Humanity still unawake

 I'll reply later on.. got a migraine rn 

What you wrote here, I understand what you mean, and all I can say is violence begets violence. 

It's worthwhile seeing violent and punitive feminism as that, just like violent and punitive patriarchy and misogyny are exactly that.

Distorted thinking due to traumatised people who are in a lot of pain and suffering, and who want others to experience the same pain and suffering.

We benefit from stepping back and seeing the same human psychological patterns repeating. I'm always going to take a very spiritual and energy science/quantum physics viewpoint so I'll always say that the insane feminists and misogynists all have massive entities who attach and make their behaviours far darker than they would be otherwise.

That's why it's up to every single individual to take accountability and responsibility for themselves and break whatever harmful cycles and patterns they are experiencing.

We are always individuals first, and human beings first. And these societies have enabled people and weakened us so we can't maintain our sovereignty over ourselves, no matter what others do. It's really difficult and a huge learning curve. Can't be done alone, but some of it can be done alone. And should be done alone.

The fact is, it's not our job to care about another person's loneliness. Not really.

Maybe all the violent and abusive feminists are just tired of caretaking and going to extremes of codependency, of always having to make way for others. 

Violence begets violence, and entities like to amplify the discord in humanity. 

Because a lot of this is codependency at various levels.

No one is responsible for us if we're lonely. 

No one but ourselves.

That's why men need male mentors doing stuff that makes them see their own patterns and shadow sides and help them push through and out of their misery and pain/dysfunction.

Which reminds me, I wanted to share some good projects going on.. the main information is on Instagram but they have a website 

It's called the Spiritual Warrior Project.

It's genuinely up to men to pull men out. The women who have capacity and want to join can, of course.

But I also feel things are different due to multiple genocides and lack of food security and everything happening all at once everywhere. We're being attacked from all sides as humanity right now. 

So a lot of this *has to be* individual effort.

There's also The Great Mystery School, lead by someone called Ihsan Abbas. That guy pulled himself out of a deep funk, granted he was more privileged being born Canadian rather than English. 

He's on Instagram as well, most of the positive male coaches are. But I think his website is also live.

The world just needs enough humans to reach critical mass of spiritual awakening, growth and healing themselves enough and then the ripple effect will ensure that everything shifts.

We're not there yet as humanity as a whole, but we're definitely closer than we were 3 years ago.

The Palestinians have made an insane sacrifice to awaken humanity. We saw the real face of humanity in the Palestinian, Lebanese, Yemeni and now Iranian men. I genuinely love them.

Everyone still believes so much in separation from God, self and others and the planet, that they feel so disconnected and alienated - especially in a place like the UK, which is a prime example of a Dajjalic system, everything entirely distorted from what could be.

Having said all this, healthy and strong and empowered feminism is absolutely vital for women, and for the planet.

Violent feminism is different and once the women heal, that will eventually not be such a problem.

But it's the same for humanity as a whole as it is for individuals... Grieving goes through 5 stages and we can't skip any and we often will go back to the anger/rage stage. 

A lot of us are in our Kali ma avatar (Hindu goddess) and it's not pretty.

Each woman and man has to go through all the stages of grief for the crazy world we are trying to make sense of. The feminine and masculine collectively also have to go through all the stages of grief and awakening as well.

None of this is easy. 

The violence over the centuries begets more violence.

We all have so many lessons to learn, and they're mainly individual ones.

Also simple things like understanding that we have both feminine and masculine energies and the distortions in these need healing and balancing out.

A lot of violent feminists and misogynists will not be doing any of this work, will cause absolute chaos on the earth and die without taking any accountability.

It's not easy to live with, but these are extremely unjust times I suppose. We're all just trying to figure things out. The ones who are yet to have a spiritual awakening are suffering the most due to the inability to have the freedom that acknowledgement of being a multidimensional soul can bring.

Which is why it's important to clear all blockages to knowing and really experiencing oneself in one's wholeness. 

The spiritual work allows the ego to heal and then finally shed the identifications until we feel whole and at peace. 

But it takes lifetimes of healing to get there. Thousands of lifetimes.

And you know what the funny thing is? It's that whoever has been in the reincarnation cycle has been both male and female. So we experience how it feels and learn lessons that bring us into harmony and love and union.

We forget so easily in the veils of ignorance.

I was a Caucasian Yankee plantation and slave owner in one lifetime, very abusive and entitled one. Rapist as well to the slaves I owned.

So I'm one to talk..  😩

After five years of absolute Hell...

After 5 years of absolute Hell, I am able to write here again. Even if it is just ten lines, Allah swt, let them be my own words from my authentic core and light. The world needs Your revelation and light, through me as well.

***

Looks like the Soul Retrieval I did last week for when I was 22 has been successful - she's come back, alhamdulillah... writing again with a fire in my belly and rage in my jaws.

I can't type all my thoughts on Instagram or Facebook any longer. Not even here, to be frank. It's owned by Google, I think. 

The entire world has lost it's connection to Thee, Allah. Bring each of us back. I do not deserve to live in this shitty timeline.

I developed strong Covid symptoms after my 2 night plant ceremony in October 2024, and it was debilitating and wiped my memory clear for a good 3 weeks. Even having my first romantic partner didn't seem to help me to raise my frequency and have a better experience of life, mainly because he has less knowledge about nutrition and health and wellbeing than I do. Also, what can one do when you just speak to each other once a week?

So my relationship with A ended on 12/12/2024, as the mutaah contract expired on that date, and neither of wanted to renew it (I did at the end, my heart was burning with pain - but he didn't as he said hehad no time for a relationship, and no capacity) so I am in a two month period of separation (Arabic term is iddah) to help me grieve, heal and raise my frequency so there's only love for him after I process all the difficult emotions and any negative karma I created. He decided to go no contact entirely, which is such an alien concept for me. I of course have had to honour his needs, but it's not helping that burning and pain in the heart. (I mean, I contacted him when I found out about my mother's heart attack, but the responses were to the point, texts, and even cold - from a stranger. Exactly why we aren't compatible - where do these men store all their trauma and patterns, honestly! Can they just not SEE?).

My first ever romantic relationship, just because he was a bit stronger and more spiritually advanced than the others. I can't look at it as a mistake, but as a transpersonal relationship and an experience that is 14 years overdue, blocked by so much dark magic and vapid entities. Oh boy!

I thought I was clear and he was clear, capable and on the same page as I am. Healing and spiritual work is literally a daily practice, and he's currently in his timeline of implanting more religious and worldly programming into his system, because he currently wants to be part of the London Shia community and help them, which by definition means remaining spiritually asleep. 

Also, his communication was really good until it wasn't. And his ego was malleable and soft, until it wasn't. I can't be doing this at age 40, training my partner how to be a Divine masculine. It's never appreciated, and the minute I want to change something about him is the moment of realisation: he is not the one, it is time to part.

I know this pattern, having followed the same shitty pattern for 14 years so that I would belong amongst people who aren't meant to awaken. Just so I could belong to a community - one that has rejected any real light for centuries.

I also can't be sure how much of the conflict, miscommunication and pain he's causing me is due to the entities still stuck in my womb. They're still there, but finding a shaman who has the same character and etiquette I desire is the issue at the moment.

The shamans I went to have their own issues, it's crazy how little etiquette us wounded people have cultivated within us.

Palestine is being raped. Humiliated, demolished. Everyone is going nuts. Some stupid drone show in the US.

My mother had a heart attack yesterday on 16/12/2024 and I'm doing what I can from my side, but mainly ensuring I remain centred.

People worldwide are zombies, unless they aren't. The world has seen such spiritual warfare, that we all, including me, have been censored and followed by all these evil entities.

That's it, I'm tired now. 

Adult relationships are conditional

 

Satisfaction, safety and pleasure are the conditions of adult relationships. If we don't do our part, the relationships will end. All relationships are co-created; they are based on a dynamic of mutuality and reciprocality. That doesn't mean 50/50. It means we play a central role in the negotiation and creation of the structures, conditions, and parameters that define satisfaction.

Adult relationships are fundamentally insecure, full of vulnerability and risk that will 100% always trigger old wounds, create new wounds, and ongoing challenge. The way we choose to cope, react, and manage these challenges will impact the conditions of our relationships.

This is the difference between the powerlessness of childhood and the powerfulness of adulthood.we don't have to accept and settle for the miseries many of us tolerated in our family. We actually get to be powerful and impact our adult relationships, receive more than we ever did, and choose alternative relationships if we're unhappy.

this power is why we must take responsibility for the role we play; if we want fulfilling relationships we have to interact in ways that will elicit the response we seek. That includes pursuing people that have the capacity to fulfill our needs and knowing when its time to shift gears, end, grieve, and seek new relationships.

We give up that power and hold ourselves hostage by blaming other people for our lack of satisfaction, unfulfilled need, or unhappiness. This is the parent-child power dynamic where we wait to receive. The waiting reflects the entitlement of childhood; we deserved to receive love without having to push for it. But when we reenact this entitlement in adulthood we make it impossible to obtain what we seek.

When we give up our power, we create a second childhood in adulthood. Invest in your own power and capacity to elicit positive reactions from the people you love. And, when you've tried your very best, it's just as important to know wen it's time to stop.

IG: @yourdiagnonsense - Todd Baratz, LMHC

Resurrection

Image by https://pixabay.com/users/owifanclub-15474005/

I probably won't publish this for real, as it's boring me just to write it.

However, this is the first time in two years, I have felt like writing. So it gets published here.

Thank you kambo and psycobilin. I took way too long and was too unreasonably scared to take you earlier.

***

Ghar

We waited patiently in the rain for the gaari. I wasn't expecting so many people to come to meet me, as I had been the one no one really cared about in my family.

But because things had drastically changed in all of our lives due to the unexpected things that had occurred, I had asked an old school friend to collect me. I wasn't sure if this was the right move, but sometimes we have very few moves to make. We make them and pray for the best.

She brought her husband and youngest son, and had convinced my mother to come with them in the same car.

My mother, Zubeida, was a cheerful old lady and she hugged me tightly when she saw me. I was taken aback, and had to calm my anxiety when that happened. She had shrunk considerably due to old age, although she wasn't as old as compared to her aunts.

Her eyes widened when she saw me. I was waiting to see what she would say, and she said it straight away. Her manner could be very direct, like the butter knife cutting through the makhan. I had battled with her energy for years: it was this piercing, hurtful energy and although she didn't really mean to hurt me, she was toxic as hell.

"Tooli, look, don't get upset with me, hain, but I brought you a lovely pacheri to wear on your head, cover your hair, your neck. Ya Allah," she whispered in my ear, "no sharam? Such a short top, such tight jeans? Come on, Tooli, this is Pakistan. All the drivers will be staring at you."

The heart began to race at excess speeds, and I began to flush in the cheeks.

YA HALEEM. YA HALEEM. The Most Forbearing One. Allah is forbearing, make me remember you at the time of great need. Loosen my tongue with Thy light, so I may say that which needs to be said, so that they can understand my words...

I took the coloured cotton cloth strip. It was a pretty colour, shades of blue tie and dye, but 30 year old Batul was not going to back down.

"Thank you, meri jaan. I won't be wearing it, but thank you for thinking of my safety in that way. Ufff, I can smell the mitti. Uff I left this too long, but there was no way I could come here in the halaat."

The car came, the driver took my bags in the dikki, and we all clambered into the car and slowly weaved our way out of Quaid e Azam airport. One of the nicer and well maintained places in Karachi.

It makes me feel alien. I never seem to fit in anywhere. Not here, not London, not Toronto. Turkey and Iraq, maybe, but they never were real options for me.

-----

What is the story theme?

Maturity and awakening by going back to childhood home
Interesting and broken characters
Beauty of Karachi
Spirituality and truth - healing in the stories

there is a scent

The background for this piece of work is after three weeks of being told to stay at home, and all life and seeming progress has halted for not just me, but for many others.

I had hoped and prayed that this week would be different, but not enough people have empowered themselves, of whom I am one.

The depressions that hit me again were firstly that any relationships I had tenderly, slowly, carefully rebuilt, all came crashing back to zero.

I have had to face the fact that, for some very odd reason, I just am going through a time whereby people who have a strong connection with me are non existent. I'm literally contacting my mother almost every day because - she is my mother. God has genuinely placed love for me in her heart, and for her in mine. I'm being kind to my father as much as I am able to, because of him I have a house and am not melting down due to lack of money.

But the aunts with whom I was communicating with, the cousins I had reconnected with, the friends I was making connections with... they have been struggling with the drastic changes in their own lives. It was easier for each of us to cope with our struggles because we had the ability to go somewhere else for a while.

I wonder if there are different layers of love, and if I personally have to go through this deep isolation so that I have the opportunity to ask again and again, "Allah, please enter my heart and fill up all of the loneliness that I feel, so that I don't get upset, feel victimised, ignored or devastated." This inner child work takes ages, and a huge chunk is also past life pain and trauma.

Same cycles going over again.

This time, however, I have fallen deep inside the emotions. As much as I could. I have lain down and held myself and cried and felt the anxiety, and the panic and the despair and just let it shake through, flow through, and then the tears come through.

I can't breathe very well these days, it has been the case for the last three weeks. I am concerned if this is the result of 5G microwaving my body.

There are so many fears and concerns, and the general theme is that of helplessness.

So the last two weeks have not been very productive for me, dragging heavy heavy energy around.

Today, I am writing here after clearing energy and trying to shift the heaviness.

I am half way through an article I wanted to write about my life experiences, and my confusing relationship with Islam and with Allah. I was happy to write it, and then the next day the depression kicked in again and I have not touched it in a week.

So at least, I have written this.

***

One of the Sufi healers, he has the softest and gentlest demeanour of the people I have met in my life.

He told me about a specific Mohammedan scent, about how Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) has a very specific scent that is also recognisable.

And it just made me feel so much at peace to know that I have a connection to that.

So let us see if I can break through all of these challenges and obstacles.

The main thing for me is to face the fears, acknowledge them and then heal them.

The fears of being attacked and unjustly treated by authorities are still very high. And still find it difficult being around Caucasian people, I get intimidated. Don't ask me why (racism and low self esteem that is still there).

Anyway, at least I wrote something.

It was cathartic for me.

2020: the year we MUST end all damaging contracts

So, it has happened that three years down the line, after removing myself physically from a damaging cult that made itself look benign, and even created it's own web hyperlink called wwe, I was still very much under the curse and contracts of that person.

I can't say anything further (forbidden words and thoughts) without risking being sued for libel. All the experiences are spiritual and energetic, and cannot be proved.

But the people who have helped me, I trust their information.

And this is why we MUST end all our damaging contracts that we made to ourselves.

The contracts are made at different points:

1) at birth
2) at conception or before conception
3) in between lives
4) past lives
5) present lives, at a younger or older age
6) fall from grace
7) at the time the world was created

and many other points, since time is not linear.

What kind of life damaging vows do we make to ourselves?

I have a theory that as souls, we aren't hat intelligent about life on Earth. And if we don't learn from the foolishness of previous lives, we perpetuate the same suffering in the current and future lives.

Certain vows I still have in place:

1) I am strong enough to handle all the suffering and pain without any help (I am not)
2) I am strong to not have friends (real ones)
3) I will not have a romantic partner, and will constantly pine after people who don't care about me
4) I am codependent
5) Blocks to positive living, money, prosperity, career, aspirations
6) I will be abused by clueless people
7) I will be trapped and have to live in a place that is harmful to me (London)
8) I will delay my healing and not see

There are many others.

It is a huge, shocking revelation to really see my darkness, the complicated ways I have ensured myself a miserable experience. I allowed others to do the same, by giving away my power of discernment, to think... the codependency cords were too strong.

It began from my parents, and then friends, and then more friends, and then a false guru who pretended to be a genuine person and cared about my well being.

Even now, I find myself meeting people who are not right for me. Something in me does not notice the red flags or the inconsistencies. My empathy overrides all logic and understanding.

The younger versions in need of a safe environment and sane, awake people seem to project this onto people based on religion (I am of Muslim upbringing), ethnicity (Pakistanis - not the best thing to do - knowing Urdu doesn't make for a pure soul), mothering energy (nopes, this has proven to be very conditional - people already made their families and became mothers to give that love to their own offspring, not to me), fathering energy (same thing), brother, sister, grandmother (same thing), nationality (I have very few real friends who are living in London - something about London specifically - the western way).

Yesterday was a bad day for me. The loneliness was eating me up inside.

Why do I repel people and invite constant disappointments and betrayals?

And the answer came: subconsciously, I never have fully changed the belief that I am worthless, not deserving of the good things in life. Not deserving of love, loyalty, affection, real genuine love... not worth of receiving without the automatic reaction to give back straight away.

And this is why I have met the people I have met, and have made incorrect decisions.

This is why for 10 years, the NHS and all the GPs at the surgery I go to in Wimbledon have not cared for me and ensured I suffered and didn't get a disability care plan and the appropriate benefits. I felt like I was a scrounger.

Unfortunately, the power of David Cameron's toxic words became like a curse in my mind. Be very aware of the NLP techniques the Conservative Party representatives use to enure the population remains disempowered, starving, suffering, dying, homeless, whatever.

It hooks into our low self-esteem.

****

So I spent a good two hours (I wasn't able to concentrate) on Divine Healing Level 1, surfacing the limiting beliefs and key psychological conflicts.

I can reach my highest potential / I cannot reach my highest potential.

And this is another reason for the despair. Subconsciously, because I feel like an utter failure, I had this conflict.

And this is EXACTLY the reason why this year, in the NOW, we MUST end all damaging contracts we made to ourselves and others.

They are utter lies and they are harming us more each day we keep them under wraps, not even knowing we have them.

A lot of them are inherited in the womb, when we were being formed inside, as well.

A lot of the New Age stuff is suspect only because people found another thing to make into a commodity. Most of these people leave a sick feeling in my stomach. Now I know WHY.

Healing and connection to God and self should NEVER be a commodity.

I was paying £300 a month to this cult leader. She made each of us sign a legal contract, and persuaded us with gentle cooing words, and Tony Robbins style of making you feel like a fool for not doing so.

And she will never give it back to me.

And this is someone I loaned £1,000 for her house rent in the beginning. Only because I was too depressed to take a Divine Healing Course then which would probably have changed the entire trajectory of my life.

There was one weekend event, and I and two other participants vomited the entire day as a result of the dark energies that were being used in January 2016. I didn't call an ambulance, not a single person working for her called for ambulance, and she didn't allow me to call for one afterwards, she pretended it was "father healing". Oh, had I the aqal to know what was really going on.

Psychopathic and sociopathic behaviour comes with immense charm. Please, remember this.

But it is what it is.

For someone who was earning £800 a month, I have NO IDEA HOW I assumed that £300 a month was justified.

I'm slowly trying to reconcile and say that I paid for the house keeper she kept, so that innocent soul could pay her rent or electric bills.

___

I know you don't know me, and I have no medical or mental health qualifications.

The only thing I have is lived experience.

And, right now,that's all I have going for me.

I'm still alive. And one day, I will be formalising all of this to help others in a VERY real way.


____

Divine Creator,

We align fully with our higher selves and our inner wisdom.

We ask for deep, profound healing for (enter your name) with Grace and Power in the perfect time of NOW (and you can also add a specific date for 5 or 10 years earlier).

Show each of us exactly the correct and aligned healing pathway to clear all the lies, subconscious beliefs, programming, and blocks that no longer serve me/us.

Remove from us the pattern of being entirely financially and legally dependent on a corrupt governments.

Bring to light this year all the people who are deceiving traumatised humans by making spirituality a business for exploiting people and their money. It no longer serves any of us to remain in denial, blind to the realities, including that of viruses, fluoride, vaccines, pharmaceuticals, GMO foods, chem trails, child trafficking, and everything else on this immensely INSANE planet.

Make us aware of the implants in our brains, and the brainwashing. What the sheeple effect is.

Move us physically to the places which will truly serve the highest forms of healing.

Grant us genuine, loving, sane friends.

Grant us Grace after so much chaos.

Uncreate all the contracts, destroy them and replace with Light.

Ameen.

The Forbidden Experiences

I hope this is the crunch point.

I have had many crunch points over the years, each time naively assuming I was healing and I was really helping myself to move forward in life.

And on the surface, I assumed that this was all happening. You think something consciously, you really want something, and it happens.

I managed to find a job two years ago and it was such a struggle. But it never occurred to me to maybe get some therapy. Why? My counsellor told me that I should just do my own therapy. Be the inner counsellor. He did not realise I had complex PTSD. And me, believing what others tell me and wanting to save on my hard earned cash, listened to him and I didn't continue therapy.

There are just so many experiences in life that are forbidden by our families and societies, cultures to experience and be honest about.

Currently, I have been unemployed for six months, and I can't work at the moment. I can barely concentrate on something I need to be doing for myself.

I feel very broken.

My ego wants the world to know I am educated, and I am highly intelligent. That I can cope.

But my brain is currently wired wrongly due to childhood trauma. There is a possibility of childhood sexual abuse that was too traumatic for me to remember. Or it could be some physical violence that I can't remember.

There are some gaps in my memories.

I've been trying to complete a Universal Credit Health Assessment form and it's taken me two weeks just to get to grips with the form itself. I have the same issue thousands of my fellow humans have with the GPs - not taking us seriously and saving money when lives are in the balance.

I have tried for the last 10 years to resolve this issue, and even shamanism and Sufi healing still doesn't fix the brain.

I have learned so many different modalities of healing... yet... I have not had a single client since November because my entire world crashed down upon me.

This is not something I want - like cancer, it is what I have.

Wishing it away will not will it away.

I do not know what I need to do, and I am so scared.

I wanted to get married around 9 years ago.  I fell in love with him too quickly, and he dumped me just as quickly. And since then, it's been so difficult to find the right person (even persons).

I have wasted a lot of time on people that should never have entered my life. I have experienced a lot of disrespect, dysfunctional relationships, intensity, blocks...

My aspirations were taken from me.

I still have them, but there's not yet a way towards them.

These are the forbidden experiences I can't honestly make a documentary about - it would require me to be an entirely different person to start making these documentaries I wish to make.

The first one would be my take and version of the Netflix documentary Heal.

The lady had access to all of the celebrity healers.

I have access to the healers who actually give a shit, who have all given me healings on donation or for free when I've not been able to afford and who are struggling, just as we all are. Relatable.

There are many opportunities available to me, and I release all the need to hold the blocks to my prosperity and adventure now.

I couldn't even write two days ago, now I can.

Oh my soul, this is excessive punishment and sabotage. It it not just.

Allow me to flourish.

Ameen.

This is very painful. And no other way but to address the ugliness.

None of that glitzy, sheen, the sugar coated spiritual and energy healing that most are experiencing and writing about.

But at the same time, that all is valid for them.

I, like others I know, just picked the heaviest pile of horse manure and bathed in it before incarnating.

it is okay

i can't write much at the moment.

i am fighting something that feels a lot bigger and stronger than I am and even has bypassed God's laws because it remains hidden and unknown.

but it is okay.

what can one do?

sometimes the pain and the confusion and the devastation has to be felt.

i anticipate that i will get out of this and be able to help others who are going through similar.

or at least have my life back.

the second one is preferable.

the first option smells like codependency all over again.

i need to tell the world

there are a lot of things i need to tell the world...

i hope i am able to allow myself to do so...

they say we have free will and are not victims

i am sure that's the case

just remember your worth is not in your head

it's just the fact you're still alive

otherwise

you'd be dead

and that would still affect others

more than you

there are so many things

that i have done wrong

so terribly wrong

it has cast something upon me

so people do not see

the truth

they see whatever is in their

own eyes

and there is a message

to stop

these people

really

must

go

for

there is something stopping me

from having a connection with them

they are just randoms and tandems

that i attached to

rather than forming solid relationships

why do the wounded call out to the wounded

we are awful for one another

not right

there is a pretense that has cast a spell upon me for years

because

there is the loneliness

there is the emptiness

there is the silence

it keeps coming back

and i keep staring at the empty eye sockets

asking

why?

and

how to end this pain and fuckery?

so hidden in God

“A woman's heart
should be so hidden
in God that a man has
to seek Him
just
to
find
her.”

- Maya Angelou



****

i tried again, God.

i thought this time would be different
but it just showed me
my delusions and denials.

maybe i was destined
to find a child-like friend
but someone who doesn't even
have the inclination to talk
on the phone.

yet, i love him.
it's a pure love
from one pure soul
for another

i don't even think he loves me back
not in the way i need
just as a friend
or family

i have to go through yet another
grieving process
it's in the eyes
in the heart
in the thymus
grief
disappointment
rage


i am truly appreciative
for the connection
past-life or beyond incarnation

i was trying to make friends with
someone else
but he is in a lot of pain
and my strongly held opinions
clashed with his -
he told me to leave him alone

the losses increase
and You are trying to get through to me

the material tokens
the prestige
the years
the people

i remind myself how some dervishes look on the outside

unkempt
in direct communion with Thee

have i ever experienced a single moment
in my life of that grace
that direct connection with Thee?

am i settling again for form
and not allowing it all to wash away
into molecules
into atoms?

i would like to feel
i am such a woman
who is hidden in God

https://pixabay.com/photos/woman-girl-eye-models-scarf-590490/ caption

i feel i may be one
who is hidden
from
God



i am no longer hiding

but i feel i am still hidden

they tell me to make a list
to buy two pink candles
to recite verses
to make a spell

but is that all that is required
to finally be with a Soul
who is my perfect complement
my soul-mate

a man who would actually recognise me
at first sight
rather than the other way round

the man who would see Goddess
inside of me
and his heart would open
with recognition, love and worship
of Thee

recognising my Light
understanding that I am still only a fallible human,
with many weaknesses,
immense hcallenges,
intense Scorpio energy,
but the respect, the love, the compassion
and the feeling of homecoming,
recognition
would ooze through his eyes?

he would match me in stillness
and i would match him in vigour
we would speak
without speaking

we would not feel ashamed
of gazing into each other's souls

no shame in fucking each other's brains out
whilst calling Thy Holy names
filled with gratitude for Thy plan

pure tantra
pure Union
pure love-making

matching our lust and love into
a litany, an ode
a whispered prayer
a relieved thank you
after my 15 year search

the emotional healing would
of course be in process
but there would be the emotional
connection
most of my holes would be filled
with ME
so that they were no longer hole
but just holy

and the same for him

and my irritability would be
tempered by peace
wisdom
matched by his
wisdom
humility
saying salaam
to humility

the complement
to my mission
on this planet
of self healing
healing others
learning from foolish mistakes
figuring out how to be financially
abundant

he would help me build
my spiritual centre
the healing modality
would heal his traumas

he would understand
the light language
flowing from my hands

and we would both dream of one another
without even making a bedtime intention

but, dearest little one,
you would need to be
an entirely different woman

to the one you show up as right now

frequency
vibes
good luck

just breathe

agar hona hai, hoga eventually
agar iss baari kuch nahi hona

toh hona nahi hai

the end-game is activating and aligning with
my own masculine energy
and truly loving myself as i would like another to love me

and unconditionally love
all the others who crossed my path
and then ran off


my discernment requires work
and this codependency needs
a BPL (bum peh laat)

hide inside of God
the real one
not the ones all these new age people
all these religious people

are shoving down your third eye
implanting you with false ideologies

tu abhi bachhi nahi rahi

grow up, yaar
mature

maturation is vital for meeting with God

and an understanding
that He causes the blindness

and that you only call Him He
because
someone told you to do so

it is of course a moot point
but it does make one question

Sukaina Juma
07/01/2020

(N.B. I'm not even venturing to ask you for a woman - the attraction hasn't ever been so strong that anything happened. Although I am most definitely bisexual, it's more a concept, more an understanding, a vehicle for compassion and tolerance, but not a real experience. Connections are soul based. For some reason, I don't gel with any of the women I have ever met in that way. Meeting the wrong women, then!)

because i did this willingly

Picture taken from Pixabay

there are just too many of these intense emotions

i have had to deal with these emotions
this deadness
this pretense
for four months

only to wake up
and find that the reality has not shifted

i mean, it has
but there is massive shadow work going on here

and i just do not understand

the constant collapsing

i keep using that word

because this is what it is

i, too, wish to live a superficial life
a happy one
one that functions

so many things on this to-do list
that remain on it

driving lessons and actually get a driving license
training for various things i may not be able to

so many things on this list

if i was to list them all
i'd be sobbing again in despair
because it feels as though they will not be accomplished in this lifetime

do you realise, dear reader, just how tiring and annoying it is to feel the same things
and go running after one healer, then another, then a third

they all helped. don't get me wrong.

but most could only help to a certain degree.

and i sway between knowing how to heal myself and not knowing anything at all

i got so excited when i met A online
and then H
i just assumed that somehow the bad luck had finished

i thought it wouldn't matter that i'm not earning an income at all
i'm not studying
i'm comatose but not really

i assumed it would all work out
because i did this willingly
because i was free from the matrix of work, taxes, 9-5 drivel
because i had plans
so many plans
because i was living alone and therefore untethered by the
dense energy of the father figure

it didn't
H ended up having his own mental health issues
and didn't want to talk after a really good phone conversation
so I've deleted his number so I won't get tempted
to send him a message when I am feeling lonely

A isn't the right partner for me
funnily enough, he's too desi and too involved with family
he couldn't appreciate my sincere love and affection for him
he doesn't call me and doesn't wish to see me badly enough
he can drive to Bolton and to Leicester for friends he has known for years
but not me
and i understand
who am i except an open healer?
who may be able to activate something
or give some paltry advice about social norms
and how to behave around people
i've become an aunty to dispense advice when requested
and i was doing it otherwise as well

W was never meant to be in my life
yet i allowed him do to his eloquence
and my desperate loneliness
and i feel all empty inside
the words are just words
just like Manu
their energies are similar
both are probably amazing souls
but are messed up when I met them
give me nothing
only take, drain, reject, overly sensitive, harmful, abusive
unawakened

this loneliness is key
it needs healing

i understand why
right now, i wish i could dump me somewhere
until i can sort myself out

but is that how we treat humans?

even the ones who are going through so much?

****

this is a very raw piece of writing
i don't wish to publish it

for it exposes how much of a human i am
a broken woman

listening to billie eilish on repeat
everything i wanted

"i had a dream
i got everything i wanted
not what you think
and if i'm being honest

it might have been a nightmare
to anyone who might care

thought i could fly
so i stepped off the golden
nobody cried
nobody even noticed

i saw them standing right there
kind of thought they might care

i had a dream
i got everything i wanted
but when i wake up, i see
you with me

and you say
as long as i'm here
no one can hurt you

don't wanna lie here
but you can learn to
if i could change the way that you see yourself

you wouldn't wonder why you hear
"they don't deserve you"

i tried to scream
but my head was under water
they called me weak
like i'm not just somebody's daughter... "

ALL RIGHTS OF LYRICS RESERVED - BILLIE EILISH

The Face Of a Collapsed Star

THE FACE OF A COLLAPSED STAR

Do not be sad
Collapse is the pathway for some
We are dragged to the depths
We are
We are dragged

D r a g g e d

We had plans
We wanted a beautiful life

We got this

Scrambling for morsels of the world
Disconnection from God
Higher chakras blocked
Lower chakras interfered with

Ab 2020 bhi aa chuka
Aur har cheez tooti pari

But I must smile
I must, I must

To remain slumped
I will have been destroyed

Log dekhte hain
Samajhte nahin

Expectations are something
I am burying tonight

Watching a film called
Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara
Wearing a lehenga meant for a wedding

I'll go to sleep
Putting psychic protection over myself

And that's that

May I find the clarity and discernment
I need
To thrive

I don't think there is another way.

Please let this be the last breaking down

I can't take it any longer, Allah

Bilkul torna chahte ho?

Bakhsh bhi do....

Sukaina Juma
31/12/2019

Surrender to Truths

I think there's great empowerment and power
to be had for being alone
for so long.

Hopefully, when the world goes crazy,
the Universe will have blessed us
with inner strength and detachment
like the ascended masters and saints

Like in the East direction of the Shamanic wheel

Eagle eyes

And we can remain
unmoved

and remain
in full integrity
no matter what...

Because that's the aim
of this life
for us at least...
To fully merge
with the Divine
and be in service

and not allow the losses
and tribulations of this life
and incarnation
make us weak and
fall back into
weakness
and ego

For we will be honoured
To be in that state
Of strength and power
Inwardly

Knowing the Beloved Light
The Beloved
So intimately
That nothing
Can trouble us for long

Because environmental disaster
Is already upon us
And some of us have not seen
Real disaster

And we will cave
And we will splatter
And freak out

And not be able to handle
Floods
Hurricanes
Riots
Water shortages
Poison

I am unsure how people
In the middle East cope
How do they maintain their dignity

It is so difficult when
Fear still grips at you

At your weaknesses

Draws out each one
Silently
Attentively

And amplifies it

I no longer play that game

I saw enough suffering on my screen

And I realised that Palestine is
Still a living hell
And has just become
Another concept

https://pixabay.com/photos/gaza-strip-palestine-3829393/

And we don't care

And nothing is truly changing

So my worries
Are transmuting
My fears are transmuting

To an understanding
That I must be strong

I must be

Otherwise
I'd really be dead now

Or a slave

Or something worse

And I need more strength

And that comes
Again

Through
A true understanding

Of God

Of the beloved

Of Allah

Yahweh

Don't rebel again

Surrender to Truths

Letter to the ones leaving

Hi guys,

Firstly, just want to say I apologise for wasting your time.

Your time, my time, God's time.... Time

Such a precious commodity

in my ignorance, I wasted so much of it

in:

                                         delays

heaviness in my mind
                           body
                           heart
                           thighs
                           legs
arms                                               shoulders

my jaws are constantly heavy,
grindi n  g,
disfiguring my face

feet bound so tightly to old outdated religious ideas

to colonial bakwaas that they made look and feel so damned real

to patriarchy that makes me choke, that rapes me every night in my sleep

to the ignorant ideologies still being forcefully pulled over our third eyes like masks

to distraction upon distraction

yes, Syria and Lebanon are as real as anything

but I'm poor again myself

and poverty is not gracious

the inability to think "right"
same as most people

after so many years of healing
I can help others put back the pieces of their puzzles

yet, moi
I'm still going through complex
PTSD

which tells me I must pay
someone else's rent in order
to redeem my worth

which tells me to take holidays
to be like all of you

yet those holidays

are always alone

always permeated by the intense loneliness

and due to faulty thinking,

I placed trust in a desi man in Barcelona,
I almost got raped last time

back to you guys

relatives who were kind
but stabbed me in the back
and were never there to help

when I was falling
seeing a melted face
in the mirror
all g l o o p y and shit

one of you gave me clothes,
but
it was an afterthought

trying to pull wool over the eyes of a psychic
works a few times
until I wise up

you'd never have given it to your own daughters

people leaving my life

how many meals did you feed me?

how many words did you speak to me?

how many car rides?

how many presents?

how much of my bakwaas did you listen to?

most of you, I have grasped onto

clutching

begging you to not leave

pleading you to not leave

asking you to stay and see me as worthy

not realising what huge lessons you are to me

and the main act of self love is letting all of you

(and please take all of your bakwaas with you

you are the ones to heal it best, not me)

GO!

be free

Be freed from
any contract I may have
asked you to sign onto

none of you truly listen
it is difficult to connect
the time is done
I shifted to a different timeline
so have you

ages ago

why don't you guys send me the memo immediately

i have to piece the information back together
bit by bit

it is difficult for me
these relationships

you realise I'm not from here
don't you?

i came from the stars
a lot of us have
we live amongst you

you see humans

we see much more than that

you realise I didn't come
to follow a patriarchal religion
or insane society

you realise there is a reason
why I write these poems

I'd write songs
if they ever decide to
flow through me

you realise that
the frustration I feel
is very real

the only ones who currently understand
are my fellow shamans
who are going through their own complex PTSD

who are going
going
going
going
going

through
breakdown

yup, another one

even I am

and the little ones who are running around inside of my heart and my mind,
bruised,
cut,
her wrists are still bleeding
her head is still wounded
from the last pounding

they're running around unchecked

I'm such a healer
replacing Light
upon
Light

Feeling such compassion
for the wounded males

for the wounded females

giving them my words,
my energy (and I really need to stop doing that)

I used to take so much energy from others

Little did I know I was
A lighthouse
Who had been attacked
And robbed of any soul
fragrance

Anything left,
I raped myself

I give them my sexuality as well

And it is used
And more is wanted

And all of this is
Still such bakwaas

Still not real

The mirages crumbling in my hands

***

I know, yaar
Pata hai

I created you
I attracted you
There are contracts
Cords
Tareeqa
Rasmey
This is how it has always been done

Qateh rehmi nahi karte hain
Haraam hai

(We don't cut off blood ties, it's forbidden by the Almighty)

Acha, toh yeh baat hai?

When I make a mistake
Even as a pure soul
Upstairs there
Hanging with my Beloved

Did I not understand the fragility
Of human existence?

As an Arcturian
I was invincible

As a Sirian,
I had immense knowledge, love,
Power, wisdom

Even as a Lemurian, there was Grace

But as a human, in the 21st century

No.

No.

No.

C'est trop bizarre, celui ci

why am I the one running after people?

running after

friends?
bloody buses?
lovers?
parents?
cousins?
aunts?
uncles?
cats?
healers?
shamans?
angels?
spirit guides?

my own words?

my own mind and sanity?

I even run after the sun

Nahi yaar
Bohot ho gaya

I had enough to deal with

now it seems that
the darkness that was beamed
sent, packaged
is still affecting my nadis
my neurons
my heart
my eyes
my reality

is this why my feet
are feeling heavy
all over again?

it didn't work out with Manu
and yet I still am obsessed with him?

Sidra was purely manipulating myself and others
with charisma
with love
and jinns
and I still can't get her energy out
of my reality?

this is not normal

I have random people
Londoners
behave with such hatred,
contempt,

I am so tired

So to all of you
with

narcissism
wounding
basic ill manners
ego issues
a desire to harm
and take advantage

Leave

Find your own way

Distract yourself with whatever is good for you

stop
sucking
me
dry

stop
thinking
I'm
your energy
source

stop
throwing
your
wounding
around
like
monkeys
with
coconuts

just
disappear

I am no good
for you

You are loved by the Beloved
Stand up and take note
Be the honoured guest

Once you crack the joy code
You will never wish to harm another

Each of us
will only wish
to give

and to only
take from
Source

***

I'm heading out

I have a much
much
delayed
rendezvous
with
the Divine

you're
forbidden
to divert
and
distract
me
any
longer

- Sukaina Juma
27/12/19

https://pixabay.com/users/skeeze-272447

When we all are under the Waves

What to do to take care of oneself when we are all under the Waves?

It feels that we are all under the waves. What are these waves, you ask me? If I told you the truth, or rather if I told you MY truth, would you even believe me?

I shall start this part of my tale from when I resigned from my last job back in August. It was stifling, it was caging me entirely and I was breaking down. I could see through the facades of people, and it was clear that the people managing us had a disconnect between their minds and their hearts - yet the words which were spoken and which were written in letters and emails and publicity materials were so flowery and far removed from the reality of the staff on the ground.

I had become so very heavy. I tried to be light and friendly, and all I felt was anger and resentment that I was supporting others in their lives, whereas my life was (and, frankly, still is) a mess.

And then one day, it became too much. The dissemblance. My soul was screaming out, "You're a healer, a shaman, you are meant to be doing something else that builds you up as well!"

It is really difficult to be introverted and I'm praying to the Creator to help me shift towards extraversion. I won't be able to fulfill my ambitions with introversion, and the mental health issues.

***

I try to be strong, I really do. I always feel the responsibility and sometimes it is burden to be a healer, a lightworker. All the true words I write show my utter vulnerability, my feebleness, my frailty to the entire world, and I no longer wish to be like this.

I want to be able to bring Thy light to the world as a signature, scrawled into the cosmos with each breath of mine, with ever expansive and flow and movement...

I want to be Your shining Star, the Fairy Godmother, the Messenger, the Mystic, the King, the Goddess, the Genius, the Priestess, the Homemaker, the Living Beauty that You showed myself to me during my last shamanic healing with my teacher in October.

***

I find that my female sisters and friends find it particularly difficult when under the Waves. I turn to them, but they come to me with advice and a to-do list, and sometimes it doesn't resonate. Or maybe it is truth, and it triggers that part of me that wishes I was over all of this wounding.


Kis koh pata...

Allah, I just really want to dance. I just really want to sing. I just really want to connect with myself on such a deep level, that I can flow in Thy praise no matter what my external state is.

I am ready to surrender the rebellion I have felt and acted out towards Thee for my entire incarnation.

All the soul plans say I am a teacher and a writer, that I will create a healing modality with Thy grace to help those who are in really deep deep darkness... yet, here I lie, on the floor, helpless, pleading Thee for grace all over again.

***

In honour of 12/12 and full moon in Gemini

I pick up the sizzling charcoal
with the metal clamp,
place it in the container required
and shower it with dammar resin.
The angelic white light bursts forth...

The entire air is shimmering
With divine light as the heavenly scent
filters through my senses,
it simmers through the pores of the apple green walls

I can now sense serpent, jaguar, hummingbird and condor sweeping in,
As the rattle rattles its rattle
I can sense the wings of my angels cover me in love and protection
This world's energy is still too dense for me

I close my eyes and remember all the words
That have sunk underneath my skin
That ended up being lies
All over again

Taking me away from myself
As I stood far away from my life,
Wanting to water the desertlands of those
Who are so separate from themselves
From God
That all I felt was compassion

There is of course a part of me that can do all of this
But right now,
Little Sukaina is crying for love and support

We can't save the world
Not just yet..

Soon, my child.

But you refused to heal and this is the result.

Sukaina Juma, 13/12/2019

Letters to Manu - One

Note to Reader: I have decided to write letters to my first love who left me 9 years ago - in the hopes that I will be able to write authentically, and just write, pretty much. It is killing me that I can't find anything to write, there is no impetus. One of my main motivations to write is love. To people I love, or about people I love.

If I don't start and continue to write, those novels or books aren't going to get written. I'm already 35 years old and people have told me for the last nine years to write.

Dear Manu,

These letters that I now write to you are after having met you nine whole years ago. Today may have been the day you let me go by written words for the very last time, all those years ago. The good news is that I don't know the dates any longer. I spent 8 long years holding onto you, thinking you were it. That you were my piece of God.

I am writing to you because you are my best friend. Maybe in my imagination, but you are my best friend.

I mean, technically, I need to be my own best friend - but if you are my twin flame, then you are my best friend as well.... is that how it goes, Universe? Please bring clarity to my confusion.

I am doing my best to move on and progress.

This entire healing business, I know it ends at some point. I mean, the collapses and the disappointments and the illusions.

I met a really nice guy and in the space of a month, from not being ready for a romantic relationship, I now feel I am. But he already said we're not compatible and so we can be friends instead.

Now, I don't feel about him the same way I felt about you, or about the other two men I fell for, but it is difficult to deal with a heart that bruises. He's very childlike and has no idea about how it can be to have a sensitive person in your life. I wonder if I am really am just too sensitive.

My shamanic healer Gareth, he had to remove the heart I had and Spirit replaced it with a heart of crystal so that my heart would be stronger and not break each time something like this or worse happens. I feel the psychic surgery worked. I feel disappointed, sad, heart is hurting, but it's not broken.

After all, I've gained a valued and cherished friend. Most of it is my desi, Muslim programming. He knows Urdu, and he's a tad too desi for my liking but he's really nice as a soul. Another soulmate.

****

It really makes me wonder if I ever will find a few romantic partners in life. I really never imagined my life being like this after 2 years of proper healing. But it is. Alhamdulillah.

I'm still financially challenged. That hasn't changed, but I'm trying to be more generous to those who are sans abri and I messed up when I was in Naples, Italy. I got really scared and thought it was too dangerous to talk to them. I now regret it.

I'm determined to become a proper practicing shaman because that's where life is leading me, but that means giving up the regular joys of life. Going out, partying (I've never partied in my life, it's too overwhelming), having bunches of friends and travelling the world over.

As Matt Kahn said in one of his latest videos, we get what we get. We are doing the best with what we get.

I just learned a new healing modality which worked at the time of the course, but this week I'm struggling - possibly because I need to be doing things in the physical world. Such as exercise, going out and having fun, taking care of myself, and writing.

****

Do you know how long it has been? I used to write extensively. You know, you were the poor unwilling victim to tomes and tomes of poetry, written prose and love notes.

My friend told me, very wisely, that I was exposing myself and giving everything to you, warts and all, and you just stood back and observed the carnage.

She was right. I had to continue, though, because I needed to experience it first hand. There was such a pull, a compulsion. Now I just think it was a huge spell, and entities.

But beneath all of that, there is love. There is always a potent, powerful love.

***

Now, I just don't write any longer. God knows when was the last time I channelled a divine poem, a healing poem.

I had another guy from Islamabad have a crush on me recently and sending me erotic poems and some really beautiful poems. From the heart. Channelled.

But messed up emotionally and I deserve better.

I was envious of his poems, haha. Somehow I could inspire him to write such amazing stuff, and here I am - depleted and worn out and heart-bruised.

London has never been the right city for me. Never.

I just didn't have a choice at first. Maybe I came back here because we were meant to meet. We were meant to get married, according to that dream you had in 2017. But we never did. You blocked it, or whatever external influences. Or whatever, who knows?

I'm seeing a Sufi healer on Thursday to help remove the dark magic. It's all over my third eye.

 

But then, if we vibrate high enough, none of this should be able to touch us, right? Unless it is part of the path.

I can't empathise and heal someone going through something without going through it myself. That's always the case.

****

Sometimes I am a priestess, a goddess.

And sometimes I am a mess.

****

You used to write really well when you tried. I remember the sweet things you used to write. They have been coming back to me after all those years. Since September. I could see your face, hear your voice, your words would come to my mind all over again.

I'm just a tad too intense sometimes - but trust me, it's a lot more balanced than when we knew each other.

That's why I thought it would be okay to send you a message on 11/11 last month. I thought it would show me how much I have healed, by how you replied to me.

You had a flippant reply. When I read it, my entire body burned all over again, and I felt sick to my stomach all over again, It felt like pure venom. At first, I thought it was the tone of your reply - then the next day when I re-read it, your reply was fine  just as one writes to a professional colleague.

Is the venom inside of me then? Or is it true what they say about twin flame connection - it actually burns you when it's wrong and messed up?

Anyway, I was going to write more, but I feel this is enough for today.

I still miss you. I remembered that it's your cousin's death anniversary as well this month and I prayed for him because well, why not? Still remember his cat on Facebook. It was a cute cat. His kid must be a teenager now.

****

The best thing for a woman who has only been able to attract unavailable men, and emotionally wounded men is the opportunity to go back within, and heal her hurt selves, the inner child who feels hurt and abandoned.

I am still leaving myself for the other reflection of me.

There is no need for that,

Their light only blinds because you once again dimmed yours.

Please, can we sort the financial blocks please? I'm so tired of that pattern!

Alvidaa, janam, alvidaa...

ALVIDAA, to all of the programming that made me what I am NOT.

This week has been a transformational week. I was asked by my Soul (or my programming) to go out and experience the Shia Islamic life I feel so much pain in having to give up.

I met a person who shone so bright and spoke of inclusion and helping the community, yet he was adamant that Islam, the Prophets and the Imams would never let someone with a different sexuality or gender preference pray salaatul jamaat (communal prayers).

So I asked him, "so you're saying that I can't pray in jama'at because I am bisexual?" I was incredulous that people still think of God like that.

That they don't see God is always inviting us.

That we don't all necessarily label and box ourselves into tags of sexuality or religion or ethnicity first and foremost.

A lot of people have politicised themselves via their sexuality. Not all of us do that. Some of us have a different karma / dharma. We have MUCH bigger fish to fry.

As I said frankly to some tharki Pakistani guy in my DMs who kept wanting to speak of his sexual fantasies and pornography to a complete stranger, the obsession with sex that you are commenting on, I find that to be the lowest common denominator for connection.

I am not frigid (not any longer) but what I mean is that the Soul came into human form - we are on a mission to understand WHY and HOW to navigate. The amount of distractions in place on the planet in 2019 is astounding.

I've stopped reading, preferring to watch something on Netflix instead.

Some of us (most of us) have gone through a **** awakening, and are still doing it today, in order to activate 12 strands of DNA and clear the ****. All of it. Grandmother, grandfather, advertising, news media, ignorance, pineal calcification, the whole lot!

I said in my heart, then that kind of faith which he is proposing, is not what God really is aiming for. I refuse to accept that patriarchal, false paradigm.

What kind of God do you wish for?

I spoke of acceptance, he said tolerance.

He and my cousin were quoting Islamic scholar after another and all it did was scrub my soul like sandpaper.

My cousin is the type who will just go to books and scholars, his path is with Islamic learning and mine is definitely not, and I have now accepted it fully.

The Universe is all inclusive. We can't speak for saints we don't have the ability to connect with intuitively. I have tried, and failed (due to pineal calcification and density overload in my system de to more distractions in life).

Then I went to an Arbaeen lecture on Friday night at Mahfil e Ali in Harrow, as I thought it was the lesser strenuous option. I wanted to honour the saints and their sacrifices. No matter what, Islamic esoterics are available and have weight because of the struggle. It's always been a struggle between darkness and awakening.

Shaykh Arif Abdulhussein lectured, and his voice has a very healing quality to it. It softened the burrs that had formed inside of my heart for people. Just being around them.

He spoke of people naturally turning away from eating animals when they sense how barbaric it is. He made a few sarcastic remarks about Khoja community. I could sense his frustration that after 9 years, people still don't get it in the Khoja community, the Shia community, unless they have gone on their own mystical journey and have bene graced by Allah with the gift of TRUE realisations.

Or have read 40 Rules of Love by Elif Shafak.

I was, however, reminded of how he doesn't meet my needs, although he helped me to wake up when I was 22 years old. He is still has the intention of converting people from the lecture point of view.

I suppose, if he did the same as my cousin Amin, and spoke of the ethereal realms, he'd lose his audience.

The people there were the same, it was the same as being at Hujjat or Hyderi (which is not what I anticipated). I almost had a panic attack and had to leave ASAP.

I had gone to mourn on the one day of the year I wanted to mourn. I didn't do Ashura this year because I was rebelling against the programming that kicked inside of me. It was so heavy, and felt energetically like a crown of thorns.

People go to these gatherings like a habit, they talk and laugh, and eat. The woman sitting next to me began filing her nails halfway through the lecture. Frankly, I was shocked.

There were no Arabic or Farsi latmiyyah and no incense was burned for cleansing of the space.

Everything is exactly the same from my place of origin.

Perhaps I am at fault as well. I've been going through so much darkness that I'm nowhere NEAR establishing a new sacred space, a multi-functional sacred centre which fulfils my needs and therefore those of other starseed mystics.

Well, we learn through experience. Next year, I pray to be in Najaf and Kerbala and do my devotion and meditation there, as those are the only places I find true peace. The force is strong there.

On other evenings, I went to the IHRC in Preston Road and was blown away by spoken word poems by Suhaiymah Khan and the documentary The Uprising by Pravini Baboeram.

Yet, being in an Islamic environment, when people have not healed their internal **** and are externalising everything, makes it hard. No matter what I do crystals wise, protection wise, I know I was absorbing and healing some of the stuff.

I start talking rubbish and feel clogged up, heavy and nauseated. Couldn't breathe well either. There still are some wounds related to how I have been neglected by people in this community that I need to heal with Emotion Code.

So, I know I must say alvidaa (farewell) to this community of origin.

I am aware that when I am ready, I will begin the Sufi path with the correct teachers and companions for the journey.

But now, Life is burning away the past. I was thinking of my ex and the last time we spoke to each other in May 2017 and, again, falling back to that which is comfortable and also restrictive.

We are better served to view ourselves as multi-dimensional souls. This is NOT the only incarnation, and a lot is hidden because we haven't been able to detox ourselves of the superficial and the illusions.

Not all of us are going to succeed. It requires a loss of identity, money, people, family, comfort almost every few months now.

For example, I had to give up a regular, paying living wage job that was killing my spirit in order to finally be able to write this piece, two months later

Just as there is no finality in revelation, there is also no deadline for awakening and enlightenment.

All I know is that, for now, I just continue this path of Shamanism and connect with esoteric Sufi Islam.

My love for the Prophets and Imams will remain and hopefully grow. The phenomenon of Arbaeen fascinates me.

Billions of souls are drawn to going to Iraq for ten days to pay their respects to a saint.

Yet, I can't go during Arbaeen due to the crowds and panic attacks.

However, I deeply feel the mystery and the love. The belonging. To Imam Ali first and then Imam Hussain and Hadhrat Abbas.

The latmiyyah of Ali Fani, Bassim Al Karbalaei and others go straight through the cells. The LOVE is truly THERE. Solid. Apparent.

Maybe, as someone I once knew told me, these are the same energies in other cultures, just different names. Such as Quan Yin, Krishna, Shekinah, etc.

But this is ABSOLUMENT the last year I do this. This is the last year I pretend to be member of an old paradigm, whereby people are compartmentalized and no one has tried to clear their own stuff.

I tried that and Allah made sure I lost everything. I just don't fit in, no matter how much I try. This is the real hypocrisy. Life is too precious to continue living lies.

I don't fit, I don't belong, it feels heavy being around this for too long. I have to whip off the headscarf as soon as I can, and control the anger and frustration that gets triggered within (it's healed a lot over the last 12 years).

It always has to be inside first. There's a lot to clean up. Then the timelines shift without us forcing them.

Just accept I'm a shaman healer and starseed and move on. The younger generation have no qualms about self acceptance. I am not that old, yet inside me I feel old and outdated!

I just had to express this aloud today. It has been in my heart all week and now has a beautiful release. I am reborn. I am me. A soul. Always connected to God.

My God is bigger than that. Bigger than all the lies and illusions that we have allowed ourselves to play around in.

We each have very unique journeys and incarnations. Just embrace your heart, heal it, remove the debris and then KNOW who YOU are in your WHOLENESS.

Always remember: we are LIGHT that came into darkness just to unravel and become LIGHT all over again.

It sounds very trite, but I am finding this to be my truth...

With deep respect and honour 🕉️♥️