What to do to take care of oneself when we are all under the Waves?
It feels that we are all under the waves. What are these waves, you ask me? If I told you the truth, or rather if I told you MY truth, would you even believe me?
I shall start this part of my tale from when I resigned from my last job back in August. It was stifling, it was caging me entirely and I was breaking down. I could see through the facades of people, and it was clear that the people managing us had a disconnect between their minds and their hearts - yet the words which were spoken and which were written in letters and emails and publicity materials were so flowery and far removed from the reality of the staff on the ground.
I had become so very heavy. I tried to be light and friendly, and all I felt was anger and resentment that I was supporting others in their lives, whereas my life was (and, frankly, still is) a mess.
And then one day, it became too much. The dissemblance. My soul was screaming out, "You're a healer, a shaman, you are meant to be doing something else that builds you up as well!"
It is really difficult to be introverted and I'm praying to the Creator to help me shift towards extraversion. I won't be able to fulfill my ambitions with introversion, and the mental health issues.
***
I try to be strong, I really do. I always feel the responsibility and sometimes it is burden to be a healer, a lightworker. All the true words I write show my utter vulnerability, my feebleness, my frailty to the entire world, and I no longer wish to be like this.
I want to be able to bring Thy light to the world as a signature, scrawled into the cosmos with each breath of mine, with ever expansive and flow and movement...
I want to be Your shining Star, the Fairy Godmother, the Messenger, the Mystic, the King, the Goddess, the Genius, the Priestess, the Homemaker, the Living Beauty that You showed myself to me during my last shamanic healing with my teacher in October.
***
I find that my female sisters and friends find it particularly difficult when under the Waves. I turn to them, but they come to me with advice and a to-do list, and sometimes it doesn't resonate. Or maybe it is truth, and it triggers that part of me that wishes I was over all of this wounding.
Kis koh pata...
Allah, I just really want to dance. I just really want to sing. I just really want to connect with myself on such a deep level, that I can flow in Thy praise no matter what my external state is.
I am ready to surrender the rebellion I have felt and acted out towards Thee for my entire incarnation.
All the soul plans say I am a teacher and a writer, that I will create a healing modality with Thy grace to help those who are in really deep deep darkness... yet, here I lie, on the floor, helpless, pleading Thee for grace all over again.
***
In honour of 12/12 and full moon in Gemini
I pick up the sizzling charcoal
with the metal clamp,
place it in the container required
and shower it with dammar resin.
The angelic white light bursts forth...
The entire air is shimmering
With divine light as the heavenly scent
filters through my senses,
it simmers through the pores of the apple green walls
I can now sense serpent, jaguar, hummingbird and condor sweeping in,
As the rattle rattles its rattle
I can sense the wings of my angels cover me in love and protection
This world's energy is still too dense for me
I close my eyes and remember all the words
That have sunk underneath my skin
That ended up being lies
All over again
Taking me away from myself
As I stood far away from my life,
Wanting to water the desertlands of those
Who are so separate from themselves
From God
That all I felt was compassion
There is of course a part of me that can do all of this
But right now,
Little Sukaina is crying for love and support
Eventually we find someone Or maybe they find us...
Who has no desire to change us For they love us exactly as we are
Who has no desire to control us For they know that love is freedom
Who has no desire to belittle us For they yearn to see us grow
Somebody who communicates Only in the vibration of love
Somebody who creates a safe space For us to knock down our walls
And somebody whose only desire for us Is that we follow our bliss
In this sanctuary of love ...
There is no drama No criticism No jealousy No manipulation No attack No neediness
Only love Acceptance And freedom
When we find this somebody... Or maybe they find us
We finally understand.... Why we had to go through all the pain
We all come to a point in our lives whereby the things that would break our heart, do not. You can experience things and still keep that song in your heart.
This month has been really testing for me, mainly on the days I am at work in Mitcham and having to deal with the disturbed public there. Daily, I meet unaligned people, far removed from anything divine and spiritual, misunderstandings abound. I have had at least three women entirely waste precious hours of my life with their blatant lies and ****.
Unfortunately, my intuition either doesn't kick in or I am not listening to it. Had I known, I would have behaved differently. I'm so behind on my other work, it's like trying to hold onto a thousand strings.
Since I began fasting at work, I escape to the local park during lunch, so I can breathe and regain what little dignity I can. Thankfully, it has been sunny and dry in London in order for me to do this.
Today, I accidentally bumped into my friend in the supermarket. He's changed his working hours for the holy month, and so he finishes at 7:00pm. We both were tired from thirst and fasting, and he was stressed - sigh. I wonder if there will ever be a time of freedom and laughter and good stuff.
But I was happy to see him - it has been three months since we last saw each other.
And this time I could see that all of my airs and graces had been swiftly taken from me. Part of this was a result of spending time with my "Sufi" cousin when I was in Toronto, without the airs and graces I used to hold so dearly to myself. He can see thrugh most people, most of the time, most of the way. (Lol.)
I was myself, if a bit lost for the real words and topics due to fatigue.
I ended up getting him some Oreo chocolate, as that's really the only thing I knew he would actually like and eat - he refused to tell me what to get him for his iftaar. God, please bless my friend with the real light you blessed me and my cousin with.
But the desperation and clinging is long gone. If I don't see him, I am contented. This is a major achievement of my soul, which I am acknowledging publicly. I used to cry with real pain in my heart, and wish I could have him for myself. Funnily enough, two nights ago, the same toxic unhelpful regrets about how single I am at age 34, and how no one really wanted to be with me went through my energy field and I cried so much. There was pain in my heart and brain, and I had to place selenite on those areas to extract the pain. It was a much deeper level of healing and acceptance that was needed.
I just want my own husband, and my own happiness now. Without the rubbish that I take almost weekly from certain people I work with, the unhappy ones disconnected from themselves and addicted to alcohol, lying, complaining, and the rest of it.
I truly wonder if this will ever happen?
But then, other things have taken place as well. My dear Moshi died last Thursday - he was put down after being run over by a car. Moshi was my cousin's spoiled cat, but we all loved him SO very much.
I cried a lot for two days. Now I am okay with that.
I fell so ill over the weekend, that I was unable to leave my bed for most of it - such a frustrating, repetitive pattern. It really confounds me how to move forward with this.
My Rahaani teacher told me if I am not self healing, journeying to see my guide, or healing another person, then no wonder I am not highly intuitive and my world isn't going quite as I would like.
I just feel it gets too much to bear sometimes.
I hope you understand the depth of what I mean, and not see this as more complaining and ingratitude. Not that there's anything wrong with being in that state for a while.
I'm still missing the bus, and now they are almost empty buses in the morning. But having missed those buses, I have bumped into very attractive, handsome, well dressed and seemingly kind and benign desi men - who may or may not be single, and may or may not be my spiritual/romantic matches.
Let us see. At the very least, I make more of an effort when getting ready for work in the morning :)
Today was the 6th of the month of Ramadhan. I am technically in eitikaaf, and speaking to His creatures is a part of this eitikaaf. I have and am reflecting upon my core fears and my failings, mistakes, and negativities and asking for help to move beyond all of this.
According to my psychic, I still have to go through another month of utter bull until hopefully my life will be "for real" lighter and filled with Allah's grace.
But I notice I am using the pronoun "I" still.
Speaking of which, my two books arrived - The Degrees of the Soul and The Forty Rules of Love.
I'm going to inundate my energy with Light until I become it.
No other choice; the way of crap and delusion and destruction doesn't work.
Today, after such a long time, I felt my essence creep back within me, and expel itself outwards.
I have felt so tired for so long.
So very long.
It seems that the path of the mystic begins in utter forgetfulness, and repeats the same in this world of utter chaos and confusion.
I was sitting on the bus this morning, with the sunlight streaming through the dirty, unwashed windows. For the last few weeks, my senses have been heightened and I can't stand the sounds of other people talking in rough tones. Everywhere I find myself, I feel that the experience is burden to my soul. A necessary evil. The constraints are coming back to cloak me.
And in that sunlight, I saw the dust specks that float around in our environment. And there is something about not having any control over our environment that brings a soul to question their Creator: is this really what I came here for?
A long list of people's names and faces float in front of my eyes, teaching me that no matter how badly I desired connection, or the experience of romance or friendship, no amount of forcing things ever made it occur. And when I forced things, they ended up being pale and corrupted versions of what I originally wished to create.
On my way home, I took the bus I rarely take as I needed a different route "home", a different point of view, a different outcome. I need to wash myself off of the crap I have taken on during the day.
I got off the bus alongside a bunch of people who live in my neighbourhood, yet we lead entirely separate and secluded lives. I went in the direction that was not the same as theirs, into the long seeded grasses of the common.
I touched and kissed the buttercups, and breathed in the liquid green healing that was available to my really exhausted soul. My feet began to dance as they struck the dry, cracked earthened track...
And I remembered my time in Uzumlu, walking with an older gentleman who was like my grandfather, and who had recently departed from this plane.
They were walks that I took and he tired to help me in his own way, yet once we were back in London, my demons took over and I never once sent him a text or rang him.
And now he is forever gone, and all I have is an apology to his soul for not honouring the connection.
The sunlight is peeling my skin apart, and peeling apart the egoic structures.
I had opened my heart last week and allowed the initiation to take place, to trust in Love and in Sacred God Light and in God.
And now my heart is closed again... and I pray each day for it to open again.
The past is now most definitely the past, yet the sadness and the disappointment is still stuck in this foolish heart of mine, and so I eat sugar as though my life depended upon it.
Trust me to be my own worst enemy. And it is taking a lot of me to come to terms with what i have been doing with myself to ensure that I remain in a painful state.
Family have shown me that they can not be trusted to treat me with respect and true love as I somehow expected and anticipated from them.
What is a relief, and a mystery, is that the person I thought was my twin flame, my Manu, and the one I assumed I would always have strong and passionate feelings for, has gone entirely from my heart. It is disappointing from the point of view of my soul's development, as the aim to to love every single bit of Life as God, but from another point of view, having entirely neutral or no feelings at all is the biggest breakthrough. I can't even conjure up his face in my mind's eye any longer, nor his energy with mine as I lie to go to sleep.
It is as though he no longer exists at all now in my personal world.
I suppose that is the only way I can move on with my life, to thrive, to survive. Because, facing the ugly fact, he both made and broke me. A million times.
And as for the other two, there is not really much point in dragging on hopeless scenarios. Married men will remain happily married with children, and nothing I pray for or imagine or hope will manifest. They don't love me enough
... and there is a huge blessing in that.
I am slowly becoming an automaton in the workplace and I must find a solution and a way out.
It is severely disappointing to me that once again I will not complete a course and certification due to life and my ill health.
I've just gotten bored with everything that everyone has to say. Any harm that comes to me, and trust me it comes to me daily, is looked upon with a weariness and a studied avoidance. No matter how much I avoid being around people and cars, they find a way to interfere with my journey and almost run me over and kill me. Almost daily now. Just like I miss the bus to work daily.
I read something really precious in the book I have in front of me... "The Knowing Heart" by Kabir Helminski, and it talks about surrender and submission of one's will and taking everything as a true gift.
Every smite, difficulty, everything.
I feel that in my quest to find real teachings and teachers, I have still come up with cold air and the whispers of a sweet, masculine, American (but not Texan) voice on a freezing cold night driving back to Richmond Hill from Niagara Falls.
My mind had been upset and attacked for the preceding days, I had experienced two major panic attacks in someone else's use, and I had to somehow maintain my dignity amongst clueless relatives. it was tough.
"Well, may I be blunt?"
"Sure."
"The problem is that you haven't submitted fully to God. You keep talking in terms of I."
And I have had to view that uncomfortable truth straight in the eye. Every single day.
But, it takes time to get to that state, my dear majnoon brother. (Making you my brother will be a lot easier for my soul to bear than the original desire).
And you have been blessed with that state after all of your self discipline and dedication.
I have not done that for myself as yet, and so I am learning to move forward.
It is beautiful to be in the presence of someone with such a calming, loving energy flooding through their entire system. I didn't have to be speaking to him (and trust me, he didn't feel like talking to me most of the time). I just craved to be in the same auric field as his, and so I took all opportunities to do that, including staying up late into the night whilst they talked about kryptocurrency, and athiests and agnostics, and then I felt more grounded and safer. At "home". Embraced, and comforted.
At the time, I assumed it was him I was after, and for the last two years since we met, I assumed that would give my soul the peace it was seeking.
But we always mistake the vessel, the pottery, for the true authentic Source of energy.
God then breaks the pottery, makes it so very flawed and mean and avoidant, that He returns you back to the Source. God loves us too much to let us remain in delusion for that long. Especially if we are sincere in our seeking, and our in our light.
But what sincerity is, is different to each soul. Remember Moses and the shepherd, always. We each have been that Shepherd, and Moses, and Khidhr, and all of them. We are all One. We just need to remember.
But it takes experience and a certain level of growth to see Truth with clarity and immediacy. A lot of solitude and reflection - so that one doesn't begin hating the one we love, but seeing them as unable to love back in the same manner. It is not their role to appease any insecurities, but to unpick and unravel our tapestry of self deceit as to allow all the maggots to come to the surface, and gnaw the false sense of self into dust.
How vulnerable it feels to be thrown back to the ground again, to get up and look around and find oneself in the same position one was 8 long years ago. The same words reverberating in ones ears, the same fears making us have sleepless nights.
And yet...
Even those closer to God than you will disappoint. He went off on his journeys to visit spiritual friends, and never thought to take me. And I never had expectations, but I suppose the fact he said in the very end that it had been a possibility is what was so humbling, and so disappointing.
The God I have faith in doesn't play games, but human egos play those games.
Nonetheless, that conversation, alongwith the driving and the love, healed something that had been sucking my energy dry. It was another one of those awful entities, and trust me, I am so fed up of having to deal with them and remove them, and them coming back, and removing them yet again.
Whether I pick them up in these heaving cities of murkiness and energy leeching, or if I take them on from individuals when I empathise with them, it has not served me well. They attach to my throat, and i cannot express myself, they attach to my mind, and I think ugly thoughts.
I felt more like myself after the healing, It was very strong, and I was reeling with dizziness for a long time afterwards, but still stuck as a guest in someone else's Pakistani home, and therefore having to respond "normally" like others, instead of the lost, wandering, gypsy like soul that I house.
The one who could see me most was my mirror, and even he surprised me with his repressive and limited programming that he is still to question and address.
The masculine, Pakistani, Muslim programming that feels no qualms about two women being married to the same man AND sharing the same room. The programming that personalises historical and spiritual events, and thinks that prayers to remove blessings from the entire lineage of certain dark characters in Shi'a history is justified, and in the same breath prays for Palestine, Syria, and wants to heal the world.
The programming that somehow tells me to wear a headscarf, and that somehow that will aid me in my quest for liberation and a state of utter oneness with God.
Gender is truly a concept.
We came to make this damned planet into one whereby females are no longer harmed or controlled by masculine energy.
The wedding was probably the most normal human thing I have done in a long time. it would have been lovely, had it not also been such an empty experience for me. Just the wedding reception. A bunch of people in a room, waxed and painted and seated. No real introductions made, and I felt a bit nauseated and uncomfortable with having to make conversation with people who were not comfortable with my energy. I didn't know what to do with those encounters, and they left me feeling as though I had two left feet.
But that red velvet cake was good!
As was this kickass song I discovered at the mehendi
I know, the lyrics are demeaining, as is the really unimaginative video. I like the tune. It's good for Zumba workouts :p
And I come home from Canada with a buzz, only to find out that I was criticised behind my back by people who were sweet to my face - and about the most petty of matters. Showering for too long, and blatant lies about my not washing dishes enough - this is the extent that some people see me as. An unreliable dishwasher. Not as an invited, honoured guest in the house (alongside 13 other people), or a loved, treasured niece. If I ever felt like a second cousin, it was in that house.
At the end of it, once I process the hurt my ego feels, I will accept that we don't have to be likeable to the majority of people. And we will be lied to, and betrayed by people who will be the most loving people to others. Something in us triggers off that darkness.
When this happens often enough, and in my experience, it always has, it is better to be alone in this case.
Rule 6, 40 Rules of Love by Shems Tebrizi Loneliness and solitude are two different things. When you are
lonely, it is easy to delude yourself into believing that you are on the
right path. Solitude is better for us, as it means being alone without
feeling lonely. But eventually it is the best to find a person who will
be your mirror. Remember only in another person’s heart can you truly
see yourself and the presence of God within you.
And my mirrors have all gone off, becoming memories of the past.And I will no longer carry the past upon my shoulders like a huge burden.
It was what it was. I did what I did, they said what they said.
My delusions are continuously blown up in my face, until I surrender to Thee.
And not have any false beliefs or delusions about my fellow humans, and their capacity for unconditional love. We all are still clearing our muck.
It looks really ugly, and I'm going through the motions due to lack of any other choices at this time.
And yet, when the joy hits, I become One with Self and with Thee
Seems as though I'm not allowed to copy and paste the article here, sadly. So kindly click directly to the link to the article written by Cassady Cayne. It seems to resonate a lot with what's going on with a few people I have spoken to. Because it seems so amazing to see it happen in front of my eyes, I am posting the article here in case it resonates with other people.
We weren't crazy, the paradigm is shifting, the heart is opening.
Second wave, I don't think I met any of them, however I was one of them who went "online" last year, very late last year, December 2016.
Now it is time for a new wave of people to awaken.
Because you can see what state the world is in, and how many people need us to be awakening in order to be of any use. Now the poor fish in the ocean are swallowing plastic from microfibers, and being burned by the Fukushima nuclear waste.
It is a huge challenge, yet we each chose our challenges knowing we would succeed.
God is there, Love is there, eternal and unconditional.
For ourselves, first of all. For everyone, at some point. The heart has to become this generous to counteract all the separation that has been engineered for far too long, and I realise I was a bit gullible and fell for it all.
Never again!
I myself am going through a complete rewiring and deprogramming. I am dazed most of the time, and have fallen a bit unwell as a result. It has been so challenging in the last month, and also having so few people who would understand, or even empathise!
The past is being destroyed, and with that a lot of old relationships that were not good for me in any way. I leaked a lot of energy out, without realising it. It is a sign of growing up, finally.
The end is good, I am sure. Everything that has happened up until now, has also been good.
Venus Retrograde 2017 is a transit that you will likely remember
for a long time. It’s been a rough few weeks of taking a serious look
at our past relationships. Venus official moves forward tomorrow but
today she is stopped in the sky, conjunct Chiron, trine Vesta and square
Saturn, who is also at a standstill. This is making the energy intense
to say the very least. As Venus/Chiron squares Saturn, you are seeing
the soul wounds you have been carrying through many incarnations. They
are coming to the surface and being broken down.
This energy is empowering sacred union with your twin flame and yet,
the energy can feel like anything BUT that. Are you feeling a complete
disconnection from your twin and your union? Perhaps a lack of
emotions? Are you being pushed to focus on yourself rather than them?
This has a reason behind it. One of the gifts of sacred union is the
enhancement of creative abilities. In sacred union, the masculine and
feminine reach balance and this allows manifestation, or creative
abilities, to become much more rapid. With this increased ability also
comes increased responsibility. If you are being given the ability to
create your reality, what is it you are creating? Vesta is assisting
all of you with this part as she brings the energy of purification,
including purification of our motives, as well as dedication to mission.
Sacred union is going to manifest from within you. If you are still
giving your power away to external forces you aren’t ready for this
phase of union. The disconnection will show you that you CAN move
forward alone. Giving your power away to your twin is still giving your
power away. That has ended.
Many twins are in the process of moving up into another aspect of
themselves or embodying more of their Christ-consciousness. Very
fitting considering Christians are celebrating the death and
resurrection of Christ around the world at this time. Again, you need
to be in this higher-consciousness to use your creative energy
responsibly.
Going through the process of this embodiment is like having your
foundation collapse. Things are being rearranged. It’s chaotic energy.
It’s a complete letting go of everything so that the new can be
formed. To me, it feels like being in a void. You may have experienced
this letting go in many areas of your life over this retrograde period;
emotionally, physically, mentally. You are opening yourself to the new
timelines that are being birthed with Venus, Saturn and Chiron.
I am being shown that the solar plexus chakra is key right now. Twin
flames are experiencing a rebalancing of this chakra, which is our
power-center. Some may have experienced physical symptoms as this
chakra was activated at some point during the retrograde and likely it
was in conjunction with your twin’s energy, meaning your twin was
feeling it, too.
When the solar plexus is blocked, we embody some of the negative
traits associated with the feminine energy. We have low self-esteem.
We can become over-emotional. There is difficulty setting boundaries
and suffering from co-dependency. Passivity can be an issue. We play
the victim or become martyrs. We feel depressed and alone.
When the solar plexus is overactive, there is a tendency to associate
with negative traits of the divine masculine. There is a tendency to
control or to dominate others. To be very judgmental. We become very
rigid. Nothing is ever good enough. We feel like we know it all. When
the solar plexus is blocked, we are too open but when it is overactive,
we are not open enough.
When your solar plexus is healthy, you are self-confident, empowered
and responsible. You are in control of your emotions and thoughts,
which allows your inner guidance to come through. You love yourself
while being able to honor others. When challenges come up, you are able
to meet them. You know when to take action. The opinions of others do
not control you. Goodbye co-dependency! You can remain calm in the
face of adversity. People are drawn to you because you are open and
understanding without being a pushover.
You can see how being balanced in the solar plexus is an important
step in balancing your energy and coming into sacred union. That is why
this is happening now. It’s leading you to that place of
responsibility that is necessary for your manifestation.
This is allowing twin flames to feel comfortable in that place of
complete letting go and opening to new opportunities. You feel safe
enough to allow your new self to be born. When the time comes for
action, you will be ready and able to move forward. If things begin to
manifest that you don’t understand, and this is going to happen, you
won’t become a slave to your emotions.
Trust in this process now, beloveds. Take this time for yourself. It
will keep you balanced through your transformation. Whatever is
happening, your soul is in charge. New energy is here for the taking.
Your creative powers have never been stronger. The new cannot come in
if there is no room for it so do not hold on to the old that wants to
fall away. Like the trapeze artist, you must let go and spring towards
the next bar, allowing yourself to be in that gap for a split second.
Saturn is still on the Sabian symbol, “A splendidly built bridge, a
heritage of unknown ages, still spans the beautiful and wildly primitive
stream.” That primitive stream represents the chaotic creative force.
The bridge is joining the old and the new. You are in the center of
that bridge right now.
Technically, you are in neither place. Which
way will you go? Back towards the old ways? Or will you step forward
into the new? That which has never been before?
And do you feel safe enough within yourself now to walk that bridge
alone? You must choose for yourself and your twin must choose for
themselves. The choice will be made individually yet always knowing you
are one. You will not fully know the others choice until you begin to
move forward in your own decision. You are balanced. You are strong.
Step towards your destiny.
Channeled by Marla Kelly, Intuitive Astrologer @ Twinstrology.com
April 14, 2017 http://www.twinstrology.com
