Letters to Manu - One

Note to Reader: I have decided to write letters to my first love who left me 9 years ago - in the hopes that I will be able to write authentically, and just write, pretty much. It is killing me that I can't find anything to write, there is no impetus. One of my main motivations to write is love. To people I love, or about people I love.

If I don't start and continue to write, those novels or books aren't going to get written. I'm already 35 years old and people have told me for the last nine years to write.

Dear Manu,

These letters that I now write to you are after having met you nine whole years ago. Today may have been the day you let me go by written words for the very last time, all those years ago. The good news is that I don't know the dates any longer. I spent 8 long years holding onto you, thinking you were it. That you were my piece of God.

I am writing to you because you are my best friend. Maybe in my imagination, but you are my best friend.

I mean, technically, I need to be my own best friend - but if you are my twin flame, then you are my best friend as well.... is that how it goes, Universe? Please bring clarity to my confusion.

I am doing my best to move on and progress.

This entire healing business, I know it ends at some point. I mean, the collapses and the disappointments and the illusions.

I met a really nice guy and in the space of a month, from not being ready for a romantic relationship, I now feel I am. But he already said we're not compatible and so we can be friends instead.

Now, I don't feel about him the same way I felt about you, or about the other two men I fell for, but it is difficult to deal with a heart that bruises. He's very childlike and has no idea about how it can be to have a sensitive person in your life. I wonder if I am really am just too sensitive.

My shamanic healer Gareth, he had to remove the heart I had and Spirit replaced it with a heart of crystal so that my heart would be stronger and not break each time something like this or worse happens. I feel the psychic surgery worked. I feel disappointed, sad, heart is hurting, but it's not broken.

After all, I've gained a valued and cherished friend. Most of it is my desi, Muslim programming. He knows Urdu, and he's a tad too desi for my liking but he's really nice as a soul. Another soulmate.

****

It really makes me wonder if I ever will find a few romantic partners in life. I really never imagined my life being like this after 2 years of proper healing. But it is. Alhamdulillah.

I'm still financially challenged. That hasn't changed, but I'm trying to be more generous to those who are sans abri and I messed up when I was in Naples, Italy. I got really scared and thought it was too dangerous to talk to them. I now regret it.

I'm determined to become a proper practicing shaman because that's where life is leading me, but that means giving up the regular joys of life. Going out, partying (I've never partied in my life, it's too overwhelming), having bunches of friends and travelling the world over.

As Matt Kahn said in one of his latest videos, we get what we get. We are doing the best with what we get.

I just learned a new healing modality which worked at the time of the course, but this week I'm struggling - possibly because I need to be doing things in the physical world. Such as exercise, going out and having fun, taking care of myself, and writing.

****

Do you know how long it has been? I used to write extensively. You know, you were the poor unwilling victim to tomes and tomes of poetry, written prose and love notes.

My friend told me, very wisely, that I was exposing myself and giving everything to you, warts and all, and you just stood back and observed the carnage.

She was right. I had to continue, though, because I needed to experience it first hand. There was such a pull, a compulsion. Now I just think it was a huge spell, and entities.

But beneath all of that, there is love. There is always a potent, powerful love.

***

Now, I just don't write any longer. God knows when was the last time I channelled a divine poem, a healing poem.

I had another guy from Islamabad have a crush on me recently and sending me erotic poems and some really beautiful poems. From the heart. Channelled.

But messed up emotionally and I deserve better.

I was envious of his poems, haha. Somehow I could inspire him to write such amazing stuff, and here I am - depleted and worn out and heart-bruised.

London has never been the right city for me. Never.

I just didn't have a choice at first. Maybe I came back here because we were meant to meet. We were meant to get married, according to that dream you had in 2017. But we never did. You blocked it, or whatever external influences. Or whatever, who knows?

I'm seeing a Sufi healer on Thursday to help remove the dark magic. It's all over my third eye.

 

But then, if we vibrate high enough, none of this should be able to touch us, right? Unless it is part of the path.

I can't empathise and heal someone going through something without going through it myself. That's always the case.

****

Sometimes I am a priestess, a goddess.

And sometimes I am a mess.

****

You used to write really well when you tried. I remember the sweet things you used to write. They have been coming back to me after all those years. Since September. I could see your face, hear your voice, your words would come to my mind all over again.

I'm just a tad too intense sometimes - but trust me, it's a lot more balanced than when we knew each other.

That's why I thought it would be okay to send you a message on 11/11 last month. I thought it would show me how much I have healed, by how you replied to me.

You had a flippant reply. When I read it, my entire body burned all over again, and I felt sick to my stomach all over again, It felt like pure venom. At first, I thought it was the tone of your reply - then the next day when I re-read it, your reply was fine  just as one writes to a professional colleague.

Is the venom inside of me then? Or is it true what they say about twin flame connection - it actually burns you when it's wrong and messed up?

Anyway, I was going to write more, but I feel this is enough for today.

I still miss you. I remembered that it's your cousin's death anniversary as well this month and I prayed for him because well, why not? Still remember his cat on Facebook. It was a cute cat. His kid must be a teenager now.

****

The best thing for a woman who has only been able to attract unavailable men, and emotionally wounded men is the opportunity to go back within, and heal her hurt selves, the inner child who feels hurt and abandoned.

I am still leaving myself for the other reflection of me.

There is no need for that,

Their light only blinds because you once again dimmed yours.

Please, can we sort the financial blocks please? I'm so tired of that pattern!

Alvidaa, janam, alvidaa...

ALVIDAA, to all of the programming that made me what I am NOT.

This week has been a transformational week. I was asked by my Soul (or my programming) to go out and experience the Shia Islamic life I feel so much pain in having to give up.

I met a person who shone so bright and spoke of inclusion and helping the community, yet he was adamant that Islam, the Prophets and the Imams would never let someone with a different sexuality or gender preference pray salaatul jamaat (communal prayers).

So I asked him, "so you're saying that I can't pray in jama'at because I am bisexual?" I was incredulous that people still think of God like that.

That they don't see God is always inviting us.

That we don't all necessarily label and box ourselves into tags of sexuality or religion or ethnicity first and foremost.

A lot of people have politicised themselves via their sexuality. Not all of us do that. Some of us have a different karma / dharma. We have MUCH bigger fish to fry.

As I said frankly to some tharki Pakistani guy in my DMs who kept wanting to speak of his sexual fantasies and pornography to a complete stranger, the obsession with sex that you are commenting on, I find that to be the lowest common denominator for connection.

I am not frigid (not any longer) but what I mean is that the Soul came into human form - we are on a mission to understand WHY and HOW to navigate. The amount of distractions in place on the planet in 2019 is astounding.

I've stopped reading, preferring to watch something on Netflix instead.

Some of us (most of us) have gone through a **** awakening, and are still doing it today, in order to activate 12 strands of DNA and clear the ****. All of it. Grandmother, grandfather, advertising, news media, ignorance, pineal calcification, the whole lot!

I said in my heart, then that kind of faith which he is proposing, is not what God really is aiming for. I refuse to accept that patriarchal, false paradigm.

What kind of God do you wish for?

I spoke of acceptance, he said tolerance.

He and my cousin were quoting Islamic scholar after another and all it did was scrub my soul like sandpaper.

My cousin is the type who will just go to books and scholars, his path is with Islamic learning and mine is definitely not, and I have now accepted it fully.

The Universe is all inclusive. We can't speak for saints we don't have the ability to connect with intuitively. I have tried, and failed (due to pineal calcification and density overload in my system de to more distractions in life).

Then I went to an Arbaeen lecture on Friday night at Mahfil e Ali in Harrow, as I thought it was the lesser strenuous option. I wanted to honour the saints and their sacrifices. No matter what, Islamic esoterics are available and have weight because of the struggle. It's always been a struggle between darkness and awakening.

Shaykh Arif Abdulhussein lectured, and his voice has a very healing quality to it. It softened the burrs that had formed inside of my heart for people. Just being around them.

He spoke of people naturally turning away from eating animals when they sense how barbaric it is. He made a few sarcastic remarks about Khoja community. I could sense his frustration that after 9 years, people still don't get it in the Khoja community, the Shia community, unless they have gone on their own mystical journey and have bene graced by Allah with the gift of TRUE realisations.

Or have read 40 Rules of Love by Elif Shafak.

I was, however, reminded of how he doesn't meet my needs, although he helped me to wake up when I was 22 years old. He is still has the intention of converting people from the lecture point of view.

I suppose, if he did the same as my cousin Amin, and spoke of the ethereal realms, he'd lose his audience.

The people there were the same, it was the same as being at Hujjat or Hyderi (which is not what I anticipated). I almost had a panic attack and had to leave ASAP.

I had gone to mourn on the one day of the year I wanted to mourn. I didn't do Ashura this year because I was rebelling against the programming that kicked inside of me. It was so heavy, and felt energetically like a crown of thorns.

People go to these gatherings like a habit, they talk and laugh, and eat. The woman sitting next to me began filing her nails halfway through the lecture. Frankly, I was shocked.

There were no Arabic or Farsi latmiyyah and no incense was burned for cleansing of the space.

Everything is exactly the same from my place of origin.

Perhaps I am at fault as well. I've been going through so much darkness that I'm nowhere NEAR establishing a new sacred space, a multi-functional sacred centre which fulfils my needs and therefore those of other starseed mystics.

Well, we learn through experience. Next year, I pray to be in Najaf and Kerbala and do my devotion and meditation there, as those are the only places I find true peace. The force is strong there.

On other evenings, I went to the IHRC in Preston Road and was blown away by spoken word poems by Suhaiymah Khan and the documentary The Uprising by Pravini Baboeram.

Yet, being in an Islamic environment, when people have not healed their internal **** and are externalising everything, makes it hard. No matter what I do crystals wise, protection wise, I know I was absorbing and healing some of the stuff.

I start talking rubbish and feel clogged up, heavy and nauseated. Couldn't breathe well either. There still are some wounds related to how I have been neglected by people in this community that I need to heal with Emotion Code.

So, I know I must say alvidaa (farewell) to this community of origin.

I am aware that when I am ready, I will begin the Sufi path with the correct teachers and companions for the journey.

But now, Life is burning away the past. I was thinking of my ex and the last time we spoke to each other in May 2017 and, again, falling back to that which is comfortable and also restrictive.

We are better served to view ourselves as multi-dimensional souls. This is NOT the only incarnation, and a lot is hidden because we haven't been able to detox ourselves of the superficial and the illusions.

Not all of us are going to succeed. It requires a loss of identity, money, people, family, comfort almost every few months now.

For example, I had to give up a regular, paying living wage job that was killing my spirit in order to finally be able to write this piece, two months later

Just as there is no finality in revelation, there is also no deadline for awakening and enlightenment.

All I know is that, for now, I just continue this path of Shamanism and connect with esoteric Sufi Islam.

My love for the Prophets and Imams will remain and hopefully grow. The phenomenon of Arbaeen fascinates me.

Billions of souls are drawn to going to Iraq for ten days to pay their respects to a saint.

Yet, I can't go during Arbaeen due to the crowds and panic attacks.

However, I deeply feel the mystery and the love. The belonging. To Imam Ali first and then Imam Hussain and Hadhrat Abbas.

The latmiyyah of Ali Fani, Bassim Al Karbalaei and others go straight through the cells. The LOVE is truly THERE. Solid. Apparent.

Maybe, as someone I once knew told me, these are the same energies in other cultures, just different names. Such as Quan Yin, Krishna, Shekinah, etc.

But this is ABSOLUMENT the last year I do this. This is the last year I pretend to be member of an old paradigm, whereby people are compartmentalized and no one has tried to clear their own stuff.

I tried that and Allah made sure I lost everything. I just don't fit in, no matter how much I try. This is the real hypocrisy. Life is too precious to continue living lies.

I don't fit, I don't belong, it feels heavy being around this for too long. I have to whip off the headscarf as soon as I can, and control the anger and frustration that gets triggered within (it's healed a lot over the last 12 years).

It always has to be inside first. There's a lot to clean up. Then the timelines shift without us forcing them.

Just accept I'm a shaman healer and starseed and move on. The younger generation have no qualms about self acceptance. I am not that old, yet inside me I feel old and outdated!

I just had to express this aloud today. It has been in my heart all week and now has a beautiful release. I am reborn. I am me. A soul. Always connected to God.

My God is bigger than that. Bigger than all the lies and illusions that we have allowed ourselves to play around in.

We each have very unique journeys and incarnations. Just embrace your heart, heal it, remove the debris and then KNOW who YOU are in your WHOLENESS.

Always remember: we are LIGHT that came into darkness just to unravel and become LIGHT all over again.

It sounds very trite, but I am finding this to be my truth...

With deep respect and honour 🕉️♥️

Ek cup chai ho jaee?

Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/Perfecto_Capucine-9573466/?utm_source=link-attribution&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=image&amp;utm_content=3723751">Perfecto_Capucine</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=image&amp;utm_content=3723751">Pixabay</a>

They keep talking about the eclipses that happen as major gateways, and opportunities to really dig into the deep shadow that we have, to be honest, to be clear, to be ourselves, to remember.

Whether or not I ever got activated from the previous eclipses in life, I can't say until I have the talent of reading energies that way.

This eclipse corridor - from 4 July and now - I have felt that one. Big time.

What it has made me realise is that one really loses a lot when one awakens a little more each day or month or year.

One loses the ability to be easily entertained, and one can't relate to the people that we could a few months or years ago.

For example, I am from a culture that adores drinking tea and coffee. It becomes an extremely intimate way of bonding. You would go out to have hardcore milky tea or karak doodh patti chai to a tea stall in the town. Or go to the mosque and rave about the mosque tea, with subtle hints of cardamom swirling inside.

I remember going to a school friend's house regularly to study or just hang out, and tea was a must.

But now, I drink tea and I stay awake, wired all night. So I have tried to switch to decaf (but it still has the caffeine and tannin in it) and redbush tea, God bless me, I now find has a funny taste and no longer satisfy my cravings.

This isn't something that I will hold onto for long. I can outgrow the childish tantrums about yet another thing that normal people enjoy, but I no longer can.

Yet, this represents how most things are now. I feel it's because I have a lot more healing to do, and so that means not getting distracted by things that are on some level a superficial indicator of happiness and progress. For me, those very things that are seen as positive and a sign of functionality, are distractions from my own self healing and progress.

Whether that means spending time with friends (it is better for me to have few and ones who are fully aware of the shifts in consciousness and not allowing them to be swayed by their inner wounds quite so much), or having a lover (it's gonna not be great for my spiritual awakening at this time to be distracted by someone, unless I somehow have healed - which I know I haven't), or other stuff.

Someone a bit difficult to understand once told me that her theory was that if we are unhappy, that prods us to go out seeking, learning, healing ourselves, and then standing up for others. If we are happy and contented, who on earth would do anything for anyone else?

I can see some angles and some validity to this... but perhaps the connection with pain and productivity really needs to be broken and a new one formed between ease, peace and progress.

I suppose the question is can I allow others to have different life goals to mine and let it be - can I really step out of the small thinking box I spend my life in, and let life be as chaotic as it is, and let the humans be exactly as they are - all the while seeking their divine light?

The more I spend time alone, I can do that a little easier. Maybe.

What I need to clarify are a few things and requires some intelligent questioning:

What are my soul's goals for this lifetime - answer is humility, but also ease, grace, karma clearing, being compassionate and loving to self and others, heals some deep wounding and becoming independent and free. Contentment and gratitude.

Will that come with a happy, easy life? Answer: depends on what you mean by that ;)

It has also been important to see all the teachers I have as humans. All the relatives, adults, everyone... as humans with flaws. This also has helped me discern who I want in my life.

I came across something interesting recently regarding shamanic practices. I was aware that they make a white despacho to bring good tings into our lives - that consists in brings petals, leaves, anything that can symbolise areas of your life, wrap it in cotton or paper, put your intentions into it, nurture and carry it, then burn it in a ceremonial fire.

All good - I have done a few and who knows if it did anything or not, but just the communal aspect of it, and being around a cleansing fire was good enough for me the last few times I have done it.

Now this time around, I had the opportunity to do this, and we all have been told to bring a £5 note minimum to burn in the fire.

That, for me, doesn't make sense. There are too many rough sleepers in the city or even a few streets away for me to go bring in money in order to bring in more. The same intention can be made whilst gifting the money - and there was no suggestion of doing this as an alternative.

Anyway, it's also true that the room would be full (which I was told yesterday) so that I'm not even able to go. And one of my teacher's seems to not allow me to speak and formulate what I want to say - I have my Mercury in Taurus, so it takes a while for me to speak articulately... so I need to just remind him of that. And there was some lack of H&S risk assessments.

But you have to question all the spiritual practices. What doesn't feel right for you, doesn't.

I question all the Islamic ones, I don't really subscribe to other faiths, and now I'm having to question the shamanic practicies and figure out which are really not something I want to associate with, and which are just my resistance to changing.

It is the same with sufism - although I can't find the teacher or the tareeqa yet that is right for me (perhaps there aren't for me this lifetime - who knows).

Question the stuff that doesn't sit right with you - there is a reason why it doesn't.

I have had healers tell me what to do in the recent past, and I was not happy.

I have had to just step back and ask myself what on earth do I need to do differently to attract a better outcome - and the answer always seems to be stop leaking out your energy to everyone on the planet trying to help and heal. Just quit it!

This is the main reason I have not progressed in my lifetime. And every time I have put my needs first, I was able to do something a little bit progressive.

Yes, these eclipses I am feeling the energy and the kicks up the bum.

And no tea for me, either. Chalo ji, at least I am learning what has taken lifetimes (literally) to learn.

Love In Darkness | Curated Post

✝️✝️✝️ Love In Darkness

With each experience comes greater learning and growth, learning to love someone in their darkness is one of the greatest lessons of all, it’s a conflict not many of us know how to face.

If we are focused on their darkeness we are pulled out of our light and that’s when it can become draining, it also creates an environment where the other person uses you as their point of light and steps out of their own alignment. Without realizing we disempower them by the underlying desire to fix them, it’s who we are, naturally we will bring light and people will always gravitate to that but if we aren’t careful we will be pulled into their darkness and rather than guide them through their learning we try to absorb and live it for them.

We don’t see people as they are we see them for who we know they are underneath but what we have to remember is not everyone is ready to be seen. Accepting people in all their mess and allowing them the space to heal and resolve is the hardest thing to do, trusting yourself enough to stay in your own alignment no matter where the person goes in that darkness’s is the lesson, your light will always bring them back but should you waver then neither of you can find the commonality required to heal the space.

Ascended Vibrations LLC
30 December 2018 at 13:54 ·

making me humble

We begin writing with the pronoun "we". It is a long journey to integrating and being absorbed by Him, so that I becomes We. But if we start with that intention, then at least He knows of it.

Someone wise told me God knows how long ago: We are born alone, and we die alone. We face our Creator alone. So why then do you feel the earthly life wouldn't be interspersed with great bouts of aloneness, as well as loneliness?"

I am in deep healing, after spending a huge chunk of 2018 distracted and seduced by my ego, the blindness, and this world.

It is only after I spent time during the family wedding, and I went to the fancy reception, and ate the best red velevet cake, and was surrounded by silks, jewels, and women wearing tonnes of make up, suits, ties, shiny shoes, arrogant business people, and men who didn't know the first thing about how to be respectful to a woman walking or talking - it didn't hit me then, but only when I was back "home", in my own bed, and safe and comfortable with my own thoughts, books, little things that remind me of who I am.

An uncarpeted floor. It's been uncarpeted for a year and a half now due my own dysfunction.
 

And it is with these draw-backs, that we can find the nugget of humility, the groundedness that is required in order to gain a little more proximity to our Lord.

It has been a long while since I have felt the urge to write, and even though I have the urge, and there is light within me and around me, there's still not a lot to be said at this time.

My heart opens and shuts at will.

I fumble a lot.

I have created such a difficult learning ground, a city called London is where I currently reside.

A lot of falsity has been exposed within me and without. And I let go of everything fake within and without.

Whereas before, being alone would be an immense dark cavern inside of my heart, I have had another shamanic healing exactly a month ago, after Eid prayers (which I missed), and it filled me up with more light.

Now, I feel whole from within - not entirely, but enough to know that my own solitude is comfortable and even desired.

For soon, I will be absorbed and I will KNOW the sacred divine intimately.

He only comes when we are open
                                              humble
                                         and alone

P.S. I finally came across new music that would be sacred and would heal my personality. Isam B's energy is so lovely and divinely guided. He also reminds me of my cousin, a very similar energy. I'm in love with Isam's voice. It's very powerful, feminine, yet grounding and masculine - all in one.

At least, that's the best I can describe it for now.

I was devastated when I recently discovered that Outlandish disbanded an entire year ago. I had to grieve, especially since I never allowed myself to attend any of their live concerts. And now, they are as blessed as solo artists as they were together.

There is a lot that has occurred, and will occur.

I trust that the correct words will fall upon these pages in the correct manner, in the right time.

May our Creator free each of us from suffering, and align us with His will and with our Souls.

The Rupture and The Repair | Curated Post

THE RUPTURE AND THE REPAIR 

First there is the rupture. Old pain resurfaces, erupting from the depths of the unconscious. 

The status quo is shattered. You feel disoriented, groundless, not knowing where to turn. An old world has crumbled, a new world has not yet formed. 

You encounter the strange space of Now, pure presence, raw, unprotected by old dreams, nothing to cling to. 

Even your outdated concepts of God crumble. 

And then you remember to breathe, and feel your feet on the ground, and observe the spinning mind rather than losing yourself in it. 

The world is out of control but you are not. You feel what you feel. Afraid. Angry. Numb. Sad. Lonely. Unsafe. Whatever. 

You commit to feeling it fully today, to not dissociating this time. A feeling is just a feeling, not a fact, and presence can hold it. 

You wail, you weep, you scream, but you are repairing. You have broken to heal, ruptured to mend. 
Old energies have emerged only to be blessed with love, acceptance, tenderness. 

You can't go back to the way things were. You can't un-see what you have seen. But you can be present, today. And take each step consciously now, not automatically, habitually, but mindfully, with care. Finding gratitude for each extra moment you are alive. 

And staying close to yourself now, as you walk this unknown path with courage, and a new conviction. 

- Jeff Foster


~~~~

I will write another post about the intensity of the challenges most of us are going through collectively, and individually at this time. What little I know of it from my own experience - once I've channelled away my very intense emotions at this time. So it might take a while for that post to appear.

My cousin told me something that I didn't really want to hear, but it was said with humility, love and truth.

Me: I miss writing!
Cousin: You are good at it if only you stay away from emotions channel the emotions dont write with emotions

Therefore, it will take a while for me to write anything worthwhile. I'm currently being eaten up.

What Jeff Foster said above is exactly what's going on with most - not all - of us at this time of eclipses, and just basic soul's growth.

You feel like breaking, but hold on. It doesn't define you - this humanness doesn't define you, and other people's dramas are definitely their issue.

Walk away and channel the emotions. No matter WHO it is in front of you. Value your boundaries, your Self.

We're all connected, and from the same source, but that does not mean  we owe anyone any of our energy. Boundaries will always remain important, no matter how much one ascends inside of oneself.

Spellbinding Ourselves Throughout Our Infinite Consciousnesses

*** This is a first draft. I have to write this all down. It will birth when the time is right. For others to heal and NOT make the same mistakes I have made, which have had very poor results in real life. Not for my own egoic ends***

Spellbinding Ourselves Throughout Our Infinite Consciousnesses

It is my sincere desire that not a single one of my years of nothingness and immense pain is wasted. I know I will not have any descendants, progeny, children of my own, grandkids... this is something that wasn't part of my life path this time around, mainly because all children are my children spiritually. But it is my sincere wish that someone, a sleeping Starseed, another humble Sufi-shamanic type of soul will be helped by these words on these pages, these thoughts tumbling out in a wave of overwhelming relief at finally seeing the light of day, of being birthed onto planet Earth.

Of shining a light, of healing at the core - the VERY CORE - of the harshest wounds...

As for what I have experiences in the avatar role as Sukaina, it isn't interesting in the least. With great honesty and frankness, my life will never be turned into an autobiography. It has been bland, boring, caged, and mundane enough to have sent me into regular spirals of insanity and despair.

I will not write any lies or untruths.

I will also not be writing anything too specific about my personal life, because it will NOT interest you.

I have somehow been released from the ancient need to have stories, to have many tales to tell of what happened in "reality" and in "actuality".

That which is important is that the little knowledge and wisdom that I have extracted and absorbed from the soul of each experience was not meant just for me. It can't have been just for my education.

It must have also been for someone else, for the collective of Khojas, of women, of Pakistanis, of British born people in the eighties, for someone else who is connected to me on a soul level.

It has to be. I would only go through all of this for the greater good.

Wizards and witches and Sufi masters will sometimes burn themselves in the harshest fires of tribulation (even when, as was my decision, all of it self imposed and self destruction) so that others can cool their eyes and fertilise the soil with the ashes that remain after combustion.

Then the most beautiful roses and sunflowers and daffodils will grow from those ashes, bring the most heavenly indescribable scents to everyone.

There have been myriad lies told to me, and so, so, so many more that I told myself.  No longer acceptable.

I have blinded myself, gauged my own eyes out in spite, and then complained to God for taking away every single spiritual gift I had. For taking away anyone who had once supported me.

And then, recently, I witnessed a woman crawling inside a window, and jumping off a filing cabinet for me. Just for me. To help me out of the cold, and to help me get home. That was unprecedented.

We basically cast spells upon ourselves, and follow through on those our entire lives.

And then one day, some kind healer shaman soul removes the spell, and we are left with just this.

A bat. A soul fragment from when I was 2 years old. Reviving the belief that love is real.

And...

"A notebook and a pen. 

Start writing..."

I had one simple contract with you guys, with my family: hide the light, just hide the goddamned light.

We broke the shackles again and there's no more hiding.

The light is self explanatory, and it is very real.

It is allowed to shine the goddamned light.

I am allowed to be the light.

everyone can shift their consciousness in an instant

"Remember that anyone and everyone can shift their consciousness in an instant. Think back to how you used to perceive the world/your reality, stuck in the victim perpetrator mindset, and let yourself remember your own evolution. For some of you it was gradual, for some of you it was instantaneous. For all of you the physical actualization of your shift is an ongoing process that currently seems to be playing out along a linear format of time. It's not really linear, of course, but it seems that way." 

The Pleiadians #operatefromjoy

Nora Herold

Until the next "for real" time

 

 

For every lack of human response

there is an angel whispering into your ear, 

or a flower beaming to you her light, 

or a cat meowing to you from your front garden

These days are days of INTENSE light and SHIFT. 

 

We are allowing it in.

Do not take human behaviour to heart, 

canim.

Look for the divine spark, 

and stay away from that which could harm you.

For the time for suffering is at an end, 

and the time for healing has truly commenced.

We all are experiencing our redemption, 

for years lost, and tears shed, and freedoms cut short.

The Light side always has the best cookies, 

it is just sometimes they taste like rice cakes!

For every human that does not respond to your love, pleas or wisdom, 

understand that there is a child there who wasn't cared for, 

and so he or she forgot how to grow up.

We will go through this until it stops.

It gets easier: 

have trust, 

do what needs to be done, 

experience the things you couldn't before, 

or that which you had to let go of due to constraints.

We must understand our true worth and, 

also, 

the worth of everyone else.

The craziness will end in divine order and timing

We snakes are shedding our skins for real this time. 

 

Until the next "for real" time.

 

 

29 May 2017

Twin Flame Forecast 29th May - 4th June "The Great Awakening" | Curated Post

http://www.twinflames1111.com/blog/weekly-energy-update/29th-may-4th-june/

Seems as though I'm not allowed to copy and paste the article here, sadly. So kindly click directly to the link to the article written by Cassady Cayne. It seems to resonate a lot with what's going on with a few people I have spoken to. Because it seems so amazing to see it happen in front of my eyes, I am posting the article here in case it resonates with other people.

We weren't crazy, the paradigm is shifting, the heart is opening.

Second wave, I don't think I met any of them, however I was one of them who went "online" last year, very late last year, December 2016.

Now it is time for a new wave of people to awaken.

Because you can see what state the world is in, and how many people need us to be awakening in order to be of any use. Now the poor fish in the ocean are swallowing plastic from microfibers, and being burned by the Fukushima nuclear waste.

It is a huge challenge, yet we each chose our challenges knowing we would succeed.

God is there, Love is there, eternal and unconditional.

For ourselves, first of all. For everyone, at some point. The heart has to become this generous to counteract all the separation that has been engineered for far too long, and I realise I was a bit gullible and fell for it all.

Never again!

I myself am going through a complete rewiring and deprogramming. I am dazed most of the time, and have fallen a bit unwell as a result. It has been so challenging in the last month, and also having so few people who would understand, or even empathise!

The past is being destroyed, and with that a lot of old relationships that were not good for me in any way. I leaked a lot of energy out, without realising it. It is a sign of growing up, finally.

The end is good, I am sure. Everything that has happened up until now, has also been good.

Peace out x

A channeled Message for Twin Flames as Venus Stations Direct | Curated Post

A channeled Message for Twin Flames as Venus Stations Direct

http://twinstrology.com/channeled-message-twin-flames-venus-stations-direct/

 

Venus Retrograde 2017 is a transit that you will likely remember for a long time. It’s been a rough few weeks of taking a serious look at our past relationships. Venus official moves forward tomorrow but today she is stopped in the sky, conjunct Chiron, trine Vesta and square Saturn, who is also at a standstill. This is making the energy intense to say the very least. As Venus/Chiron squares Saturn, you are seeing the soul wounds you have been carrying through many incarnations. They are coming to the surface and being broken down.

This energy is empowering sacred union with your twin flame and yet, the energy can feel like anything BUT that. Are you feeling a complete disconnection from your twin and your union? Perhaps a lack of emotions? Are you being pushed to focus on yourself rather than them?

This has a reason behind it. One of the gifts of sacred union is the enhancement of creative abilities. In sacred union, the masculine and feminine reach balance and this allows manifestation, or creative abilities, to become much more rapid. With this increased ability also comes increased responsibility. If you are being given the ability to create your reality, what is it you are creating? Vesta is assisting all of you with this part as she brings the energy of purification, including purification of our motives, as well as dedication to mission.

Sacred union is going to manifest from within you. If you are still giving your power away to external forces you aren’t ready for this phase of union. The disconnection will show you that you CAN move forward alone. Giving your power away to your twin is still giving your power away. That has ended.
Many twins are in the process of moving up into another aspect of themselves or embodying more of their Christ-consciousness. Very fitting considering Christians are celebrating the death and resurrection of Christ around the world at this time. Again, you need to be in this higher-consciousness to use your creative energy responsibly.

Going through the process of this embodiment is like having your foundation collapse. Things are being rearranged. It’s chaotic energy. It’s a complete letting go of everything so that the new can be formed. To me, it feels like being in a void. You may have experienced this letting go in many areas of your life over this retrograde period; emotionally, physically, mentally. You are opening yourself to the new timelines that are being birthed with Venus, Saturn and Chiron.

I am being shown that the solar plexus chakra is key right now. Twin flames are experiencing a rebalancing of this chakra, which is our power-center. Some may have experienced physical symptoms as this chakra was activated at some point during the retrograde and likely it was in conjunction with your twin’s energy, meaning your twin was feeling it, too.

When the solar plexus is blocked, we embody some of the negative traits associated with the feminine energy. We have low self-esteem. We can become over-emotional. There is difficulty setting boundaries and suffering from co-dependency. Passivity can be an issue. We play the victim or become martyrs. We feel depressed and alone.

When the solar plexus is overactive, there is a tendency to associate with negative traits of the divine masculine. There is a tendency to control or to dominate others. To be very judgmental. We become very rigid. Nothing is ever good enough. We feel like we know it all. When the solar plexus is blocked, we are too open but when it is overactive, we are not open enough.

When your solar plexus is healthy, you are self-confident, empowered and responsible. You are in control of your emotions and thoughts, which allows your inner guidance to come through. You love yourself while being able to honor others. When challenges come up, you are able to meet them. You know when to take action. The opinions of others do not control you. Goodbye co-dependency! You can remain calm in the face of adversity. People are drawn to you because you are open and understanding without being a pushover.

You can see how being balanced in the solar plexus is an important step in balancing your energy and coming into sacred union. That is why this is happening now. It’s leading you to that place of responsibility that is necessary for your manifestation.

This is allowing twin flames to feel comfortable in that place of complete letting go and opening to new opportunities. You feel safe enough to allow your new self to be born. When the time comes for action, you will be ready and able to move forward. If things begin to manifest that you don’t understand, and this is going to happen, you won’t become a slave to your emotions.

Trust in this process now, beloveds. Take this time for yourself. It will keep you balanced through your transformation. Whatever is happening, your soul is in charge. New energy is here for the taking. Your creative powers have never been stronger. The new cannot come in if there is no room for it so do not hold on to the old that wants to fall away. Like the trapeze artist, you must let go and spring towards the next bar, allowing yourself to be in that gap for a split second.

Saturn is still on the Sabian symbol, “A splendidly built bridge, a heritage of unknown ages, still spans the beautiful and wildly primitive stream.” That primitive stream represents the chaotic creative force. The bridge is joining the old and the new. You are in the center of that bridge right now.

Technically, you are in neither place. Which way will you go? Back towards the old ways? Or will you step forward into the new? That which has never been before?

And do you feel safe enough within yourself now to walk that bridge alone? You must choose for yourself and your twin must choose for themselves. The choice will be made individually yet always knowing you are one. You will not fully know the others choice until you begin to move forward in your own decision. You are balanced. You are strong. Step towards your destiny.

Channeled by Marla Kelly, Intuitive Astrologer @ Twinstrology.com
April 14, 2017
http://www.twinstrology.com

I'm Not That Kind of Lightworker | Curated Post

I’m Not That Kind of Lightworker 

 

https://www.lovehaswon.org/love-blogs/im-not-that-kind-of-lightworker

April 02, 2017

By Victoria1111, 04/02/2017

Earlier today, as I stepped outside to enjoy a very rare treat of warm sunshine, I noticed the chemtrail thugs were at it again.

“You fuckers,” I mumbled.

Then I heard the words of others throughout my life, including some in the Ascension community:  “Language, Victoria.  Watch your language.”

Then I remembered the movie “Michael” with John Travolta, 1996.  He’s at the breakfast table, shoveling large piles of sugar-coated cereal in his mouth.  The newspaper people are asking him questions about his unusual behavior.  For an angel, shouldn’t he be clean.  Shouldn’t he have a halo. Shouldn’t we be hearing beautiful harp music around him.

Michael leans in, smiles and says, “I’m not that kind of angel.”

Well, I am not that kind of Lightworker either.

At least not all the time.

 

I am the type to stir the pot of Truth with a beautiful chalice, pulling out all the dirt I can find, then pointing it out to people while saying “Look at that crap! Do you see it?  Let’s get to work cleaning it up!”

I have a deep abiding Sense of Purpose to Help.  To help uncover Truth. To help share that Truth.  And to help ensure none of us are ever victimized again by those who have shielded us from the Truth.

Yes, there are different types of Lightworkers.  I am one part fairy/angel of soft gentleness combined with one part kick-butt Rogue Warrior. Always coupled with a massive wall of compassion and humbleness.

Well, most always.

So when I see others who call themselves a Lightworker claim there is really only one real type, I say nonsense.

We come in a variety of packages.

All with the same purpose.

To spread Source Love.

To speak Truth.

Sometimes gentleness is called for.

Other times the Warrior needs to come in and clean house.

For you see, Love In Action looks different in all situations, especially in the world known as the Matrix.

For to break down such a system requires ALL types and beautiful varieties of Lightworkers.

Those who put sugar on their cereal.

And those who don’t.

A Cosmic Love Letter

I had to listen to this twice to actually comprehend that someone who is teaching spiritual truths actually went so far to tell us how much we are loved and deserve to be here.

With such authority.

Of course, I'm feeling a lot better than I have for a month or so. So it sinks in much deeper.




My skin is vibrating, my heart is feeling relief. My soul feels immense relief.

I will allow you to just take this in and absorb it. My words are failing me currently.

Peeking through the veil

I have been debating within myself whether or not to publish public blog posts about the inner transformation I am going through.

There are quite a few reasons why I wouldn't want to, why I'd rationalise that it is not for "the greater good". Mostly it's to do with the wonderfully rigorous conditioning from family, culture and certain interpretations of faith. And my fears chase me round and round the garden, like an enormous teddy bear.

Some voices scream "Stay out of sight! Be unassuming, modest, in the background. You have nothing of value to say. You are no authority and you are in no way pious or one of the blessed Chosen Ones to even begin to share your insights with others".

Others whimper "If you tell other people, you'll jinx it. They have the power to take it all away and ruin your happiness. You must not share this sacred knowledge with everyone. It's akin to offering pearls to swine".

There is also the overwhelming and loud and clanky chatter which repeats: "It's all rubbish, you've entrapped yourself in an illusion, a fragile spider's web of your own creation, you're delusional. Stop before you go off the deep end and never find a way back to 'the truth'. If you don't, wait and see what happens when things fall apart."

Well, at least I can truly say I'm not alone in the world, if I've been lugging around all of the world and their opinions and disapproval in my invisible, energetic backpack!

So, then, why am I jumping off the precipice, slinking out of the shadows and into my Light?

A few reasons:

I feel compelled, the inner urge, to communicate this. I am obeying my intuition. I've been struggling to understand when I am being impulsive and when I am being intuitive. Someone told me to sleep on it, and if the urge is still strong, still makes sense, still resonates with you and you 'know' you must act upon it, then it's intuition or your guidance. But if you're in the throes of Ego and you're more attached to the mind and not the heart, sleep on it again. Or do nothing until you get an answer from somewhere.

So, I've slept on it. I feel peaceful. I'm still typing away, word after word, in a steady flow.

This, my dears, is Inspiration.

And, in the grand scheme of things, if you stumbled upon my blog somehow and are reading these words at this very moment, and what I have to say resonates with you, it shall resonate. You were meant to read this and open up to yourself and something vaster than that.

And if it does not, it does not. I hereby liberate myself from my persecution and martyr complexes ;)

Secondly, I finally came up with a title for this post during a funeral I attended yesterday. The funeral triggered a lot of insights and I could feel my stunted creativity and communication begin to flow once again. If you have been so kind as to be unaware of this, it has been a long time since my last personal post.

At the family funeral, I was once again smack bang in the middle of the East African/Indian/Pakistani Shia (or Shi'ite) Muslim culture I was brought up in. And I realised that I could no longer accept nor relate to a single thing.  The customs, the decades of conditioning that is still being promulgated as the way to salvation and inner tranquillity, the (dare I say it?) charade of a fulfilling and spiritual existence when all I could register was layers of automatic responses.

Yes, I think I can say this in a most compassionate and empathic and loving manner: what I have noticed in myself and in the cultural community that I was born into is that we are still reacting in our lives as a result of automated conditioning. We are, once again, forfeiting the dignity of free thought, exploration, insight, a true openness that recognises that all paths of inquiry eventually lead to God. We lack the certitude that even as we stumble and trip up and get confused, if we hold the strong intention and trust that He will gently and lovingly guide us back to our own truth, we will get there.

I shall, of course, greatly temper my loving observations and say there are many adherents to Islam who have leapt far beyond the place I currently am exploring, and whom I would greatly benefit by connecting with. Sheikh Arif Abdul Hussain is one. He's the head of an Islamic educational institute in the UK. As yet, I haven't been able to attract these key persons into my life in order to learn, grow, share, create and discover. Oh, well, "when the disciple is ready, the master will appear."

I suppose I had other learnings to master first, hence my teachers have come in different guises and forms, and up until now, pretty damned painful and spirit-breaking. And yet, "they" say that the most difficult people and the most painful situations and experiences are your most needed, valuable and even the most loving of teachers. They really challenge you to cleanse your soul and to reach deep within to find that little point of Light which allows you to truly forgive and love unconditionally, to break into your independence and your own truth, to truly be that wonderful, powerful, beautiful spiritual being you know that you are.

And these situations will keep recurring and these similar types of people will keep appearing until you experience what you need to and learn that which your Higher Self signed you up for. This can be changed, of course (but that's for another post!).


And this has been put into extremely harsh relief this past year.


At some deep and fundamental level, you can be subtly aware that you're missing something essential, that you only have to read or hear or see or experience something that will unlock the vault, grant you the keys to the Kingdom and truly remove the rust from the heart, the fog glasses from around the eyes, the blocks towards accessing your intuition, your unity consciousness and your knowingness (the 6th, 7th and 8th chakras) - so that you can TRULY, TRULY see, hear, feel, connect, know and BE.

This causes great unease. When you try, you search, you struggle and yet cannot seem to break free. You cannot see beyond. You're missing that which would help you completely transform your life. You may read the books by Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, books on receiving angel guidance, books entitled "You Are Psychic", books like Tomorrow's God by Neale Donald Walsch which open up to the sentence, "Ask yourself why you picked up this book out of all the books and you're reading, and continuing to read this page right now." (Yes, the books are starting to talk directly to me - giggle!)

I have been searching for a very, very long time. I had to start from a very low vibrational level. And when you are unaware of the cage, you don't seek to break free. And when you begin to sense that you are not leading the life that would express the true You, the you that comes to the fore in your most humble and pleading moments with God, or whilst playing with the wisest of children or the friendliest of kittens, the most brilliant of mandala colourings, the most magical of romantic or platonic soul mate moments, the sense of connection you feel when visiting a mosque or cathedral or place of trees and water and duckies, when writing an email, letter or a blog post from the depths of the heart.... there are many more, but you get the drift.

And then, someone or something, or a chain of events wake you up. Brutally or gently - depends on how you made your soul plan.


***


And, now, the brilliant phoenix observes the gilded cage she is within. It's comfortable, familiar and she's managed to survive so far. But her wings have been clipped, and they want to grow a lot more than the space she has allowed herself. She may be regularly fed, but it's all manufactured food, having no real taste, nutritional value or imagination in it, whatsoever. Bugs and snails and other creepy crawlies in the enchanted forest are what really whet her appetite. She's heard they exist, she dreams they exist when she sleeps and she may have even seen a sparrow or parakeet flying outside, in the real world with one in firmly grasped in its beak.

And she pines and is wistful and, if I'm honest, envious: Look at this magnificent kestrel's shiny, healthy plumage, look at how large her wings are, listen to the lovely songs they sing and the wonderful acrobatics they perform in the still, blue sky. They fly like birds, as they should. I am a bird, too. I have my own destiny. So, why am I the unfortunate one still in this rotten, limiting, cage which confines me in every possible way? Boo to all the people who put me in the cage. And locked it so I can't get out.

But, wait. As her physical senses become more sensitive and receptive to all that is around her, she notices that there is a way out. Actually, there are several. The lock is ancient, ancestral and was not made of the best material. This is no impenetrable metal, it is easily malleable, shaky at best. And she spies the keys are actually, hanging on a tiny hook on the outside of the cage. She moves towards the keys outside her current sphere of influence, and what does she see?

She's been sitting on an egg the entire time. She had to move her butt in order to know it was there! And her first instinct is to peck the egg open. But she is again distracted by some birds outside the window and the keys glinting on the hook attached to her cage, just out of reach.

She sleeps on the impulse and when she wakes, she sees that, actually her sitting on her ass for so long was the right method and time duration in order to allow the egg to hatch of its own accord. Some outside help is definitely required, but she only does that after the chick inside has actually broken away most of the protective shell and has drunk the nourishment that nature provided it.

The chick flares into being, in a gorgeous red, yellow, orange, green, blue, purple and brilliant white sacred fire. It is such a sight to behold. The phoenix is speechless. She needs to remind herself to breathe. And, suddenly the memories of the inherent knowingness, wisdom, intuition and, most importantly, Love all come flooding into her heart, her blood vessels, her entire being.

She remembers.

She takes one step towards the mystical, magical and newly hatched bundle of spiritual joy and potential. It hops and jumps towards her.

She whispers tentatively: Are you who I think you are?

The chick gives her a fierce, glowing look of such love and acceptance and forgiveness that nothing else needs to be said.

The phoenix opens up her beak and the chick hops, skips and finally plops inside of her beak. No chewing, no effort is necessary. All is within.

And she is now alight. She is aflame.

She is burning, burning, burning.

And it's the most magical, wonderful and peaceful feeling in the world.

She is Abraham burning in the coolest of fires.

It is first a green flame for healing, then a pink flame for allowing herself to give and receive all that she was fearful of touching or experiencing on any meaningful level in the past.

And now it is a steady silver and violet flame. For complete transformation.

She opens her eyes, still surrounded by the Divine light in the form of an alchemical, catalytic, powerful, absolute, healing, loving and guiding flame.

And the cage is no longer made of metal. That was the illusion, a super magic trick of the analytical mind.

It is a veil. It is a veil of shadows and light and sparkly bits. It's not structured at all. It's not overwhelming at all.

Most of it was made of distorted love, confused ideas of security, protection, guidance and uprightness.

The ideology has congealed into idolatry.

In a certain sense, it never existed.

And, so, she slowly opens up her wings. She sees green and gold and pink feathers are swiftly growing in all the places where she had once plucked them out herself, or where someone had clipped them with an opinion, a disapproval, an outdated and monolithic belief system or a non-acceptance of the evolutionary, ever-changing, ever-growing and ever-accepting Divine within.

The more she spreads her plumage, the larger the cage of shadows and lights and nothingness grows.

And the moment her feathers touch the walls of the cage, it is no longer.

She sees that the room is also an illusion.

Ethereal azure sky is everywhere. That is all it is. That it is all it ever was.

The phoenix dares to lift up those brilliant wings....

She flies.

Fearlessly trusting in herself and in God. That is all that is needed for the flight to the Heavens.

***

At the mosque, as we performed all the death rituals for my father's uncle, I once again didn't belong in that paradigm.

This, of course, is not the first time I have felt the sense of separateness. I've felt it for aeons, since I was 8 years old, perhaps. But in the past, it was hugely unsettling and disconcerting, because I and the people around me kept assuming there was something "wrong" with me.

I suppose society at large can, on a subconscious level, accept rebellion to a certain degree, because the underlying presupposition is that, on a subconscious level, you are attached to and you validate the majority culture and its belief system. You only rebel and formulate a subculture of your own when you feel threatened, betrayed or unappreciated.

But yesterday, as a result of all the self-work and the shifting and the releasing I've been doing in the last two months - it was perfectly OKAY.  I didn't feel attacked, or self-conscious, or left with the urge to be judgemental and condescending about that which my fellow sisters in faith did or said or believed. It was all as it was. And I allowed it to be so without an inner, automatic reaction.

This is quite liberating, once you find that place of beingness.

I didn't censure myself, nor did I censure anyone else for being or acting the way we did. I was in my space of being, and they were in theirs. I could completely connect with them, show them love and compassion and yet maintain my uniqueness, and I made sure they did the same.

I was really glad to be able to contribute by creating an energy space where true healing and releasing and cleansing could take place. This is thanks to all the learning and wisdom I am gaining from learning about Energetic NLP, my first step on the journey in this new phase of life of mine.

Another reason for my sudden outpouring of all that is within:

Yesterday, I recalled this part of Marianne Williamson's oft-repeated passage:

Your playing small does not serve the world
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won’t feel insecure around you
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone
And as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give
other people the right to do the same
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others

This stuff is not unique to me: I am not the creator of it, nor am I the sole recipient of it. We all have this inner wisdom, we all have this wonderful Light within. When one person finally awakens and begins to navigate themselves and their lives from their inner wisdom and spirit, it's the sole catalyst that is required for others to recognise their own true essence. And they will probe, and seek and perhaps one day, they will awaken in their own unique manner.

In my personal relationships or when reading the books of certain authors, I am acutely aware of those who are ahead of me on their personal journeys and how they inspire me. It is unusual for me to agree or follow every single thing that they say, do or become, but just the fact that they are courageous and brilliant enough to be the very unique expression of who THEY are.... makes me think,

"Hmmm, maybe I, too, can harness that confidence, that courage, that complete TRUST in self and can at least try this new way. I can try trusting myself. I can try expressing the person I may be at this time and see where it takes me."

I also came across the following angel cards yesterday:

Be grateful for those who have opened the door before you, for they have shown you new possibilities.

Healing, when properly understood, merely means casting a firm decision in the direction of your higher self's priorities.

And, so, here is the result.

I am peeking through the first of many veils that envelop me and can see that it is time for me to lift it and move ahead.

My life coach has set for me a 21 day writing challenge in order to facilitate my cellular reprogramming. I have to write certain phrases 21 times daily for 21  continuous days.

And, so... 

♥♥♥

I lovingly forgive myself for failing to love, heal, honour, respect, cherish, trust, value, validate, support, care for, empower, liberate and awaken myself in the past.

http://www.pocketonline.net/g2engine/d/17445-1/Baby+Phoenix_001.jpg

I AM DOING THAT NOW, NOW, NOW!

♥♥♥