ripping her to shreds

I really wanted to write something.

But I am also extremely tired. So perhaps tomorrow.

He ripped me to shreds yesterday. Either Mercury went direct and that's why, or Mercury was still in retrograde and that's why.

He's stuck and doesn't want to grow as a soul and that's why communication between us has always been stalled, stilted, hard. Just like with the other boy.

I'm so done with this. Half the stuff he told me, he does himself and doesn't realise it. What's so agonising is the fact that we're stuck in this stupid canteen talking when there are always other people about. Privacy goes out the window.

What a shambles. I'm not inclined to write a poem about him. I finally gave him his birthday present because I was on a high with the frequencies.

I just found (when you need it) a solfeggio frequency for connection and relating so I'm listening to that one. For myself.

Yesterday felt like I had such a sucky interaction with him. You can't get past the masculine bravado and I had tried in the beginning and he was holding me hostage to that version of myself. I mean, once again, as much as I try to be 100% myself, there is an energetic restriction coming from this relationship. As much as we can have similar tastes in things, and a similar view, it's just.... bs.

And it's taken me so long to feel all the pain of this.

Back in April 2015 when i went for my first crystal healing with Sacha, she had mentioned a murky green energy around my crown as a soulmate energy. Green usually means healing, and in the end it is good, but it's also murky. And I knew it was him.

Harshness. An invisible wall.

He's the same soulmate energy, but if Immy was the first version, Nav is the 2.0 version. I can't get through. I'm not meant to get through. And I'm "too much" for him only because his behaviour and energy kicks me off. Triggers me off. I said as much on Monday, and he immediately said: so I'm a pistol then. Fuck. Always distracting from serious and intensity. I hate that. Sometimes a person can be too witty and just not grow up. Over confident. Know it all. And not let me be who I am.

To be honest, until I fell out of love with him last night, I was probably still that person. The person who wanted to merge and be with him.

You can't reverse being loving, especially when you don't want to.

There has been a montage of all my life events flashing in front of my eyes.

He will never see that. He will never have the experience of seeing me at my worst.

So to criticise me for my introverted behaviour is just wrong. To not seek to understand and to pretend you're giving constructive feedback is wrong. This is one thing I really dislike about him.

Thank you, Allah. I have been praying for the last three weeks for You to make me fall out of love with him.

Yesterday's so-called conversation killed it for me.

He did say that I am a unique person and he's never met anyone like me. That's a first. And that it was a compliment.

All my mind said was: huh, well, you haven't been meeting the right people then, have you?

Repeated scenarios of a man whom I love with my big heart and him not listening, not understanding, energy closed. I showed him my soul plan that day because I was buzzing with energy and wanted to share that part of my beliefs with him and all he said: well, to me, all this looks like voodoo mumbo jumbo.

And I finally said to God: enough with the false flags and enough with the false falling in love with people I'm not really in love with or meant to be with.

So many crap relationships: Immy, Ay, the customer guy, Nav... and the Somali colleague who keeps ignoring me, and giving me the creeps when he stares at me intently, and the Bangladeshi guy who's 18. I make him nervous. Poor thing. They try to impress me by being "cool", which ends up them being in an inexplicable dysfunctional male mode - which is such a turn off for someone like me.

On Monday, I really SAW how unbelievably harsh he can be when he's in his ego. Just like I can be, and I became so because he ignited this anger inside of me. Because he kept all of this secret for 16 months instead of telling me right at the time of my "crime" that "hey, you're asking me too many questions, please don't."

He isn't shy. He doesn't have qualms of speaking up for himself or disagreeing.

I told him, "you didn't tell me because it wasn't important enough to you to give me feedback to as a friend."

That's what has pissed me off. Why can't you just tell me? Do I come across as that unreasonable?

Just like how my father is. Split. Generous and kind on the one hand, then flips. Keeps it all inside. Why? Then vomits it all out in one go, without any compassion at all.

And then when I do it, since he seems to be able to take it, he says I don't beat around the bush. That I'm very to the point.

As if that's a bad thing. Like, how much time does he think we have to faff around, to waffle around? Scorpio and Aries are both direct.

Part of me was like: what, so you want me to be duplicitous like you, Mr Gemini? Or take ages to make a point? We all have different talents, yet for some reason this didn't seem to be understood by him. I can't fault him, like my ego would like to.

In 2010, ripped Immy to pieces and then God not only took him away from me, but God took away my sanity so many times to make sure I never repeat that mistake with any of his creatures again.

I still do, but it is repressed. My judgements are still there, and they attack my sanity.

With Nav, it's just not worth the pain and energy. He's just another guy.  Because Immy was the first, it pained me a hundred times more. We also have a very intense and stubborn karmic lock.

The difference this time is that, alhamdulillah, Nav is just another extremely stubborn guy with only half of the awareness he would need to be in a real relationship with me. Not that he wants to be with me. He has NEVER felt like that. EVER.

And, ha ha, that's kind of important in any relationship. The other soul actually has to be willing to engage.

Nav is just the second guy I actually could speak to on my level, then I found myself dragging myself down again. The environment of the supermarket is such a seductress. I dumbed myself so much and to extricate myself from this mess is taking long. Just because my ego is greedy for the annual bonus that we will get inshallah on 26th February.

Whoever said that Gemini and Aries suns would get along was a liar. And that he has a Moon in Scorpio is funny. He can't see it. And I like a fool tried to teach him. Fool again.

Not just with him, with J, Faiz, Ay... all of them.

I think now the fairytales are being ripped apart, I know that this is real life. Most of them don't care, and most of them will never activate their soul plan in the way mine was. They will do it organically, just by being human. God has given each of them a lot more energy than I currently have.

That's what happens when you're recovering from another bout of depression. You lose contact with the real world. And make an utter fool of yourself. Because of my fascination with the occult and energy and higher realms, I lose my sight of the man standing in front of me. I see his soul, not how he currently sees himself.

Shimmering souls. But then, my viewpoint changes and, all of a sudden, I no longer see them as souls. And I see their human selves and judge.

This really needs to be balanced out now. I'm a grown up soul now. Please, Allah. Please.

Give me someone who doesn't need to give a running commentary about every single happening, whose eyes stay locked into mine when we are speaking, instead of flitting about to someone else just because he is a Gemini. So annoying.

And then not having the guts to continue a conversation, to be kind and hold the space for my anger and frustration and grief... I still didn't tell him how much I've cried, because he won't allow me that freedom and that truth.

So he deflects to another colleague spends 15 minutes chatting about stupid football and then walks off without saying goodbye. That is rude and it is not cricket.

Not for me.

He was hurt that I said it feels he is always making fun of me. He wanted to clear up the miscommunication, but then lacked the courage and it was too intense for him. Fair enough. I like pain, I guess. After he left, I wrote a bit and waited until I could feel the hurt and pain beneath the anger and then I cried for 15 minutes. I'd have cried more, but the awakening processing was so strong I am still quite dehydrated.

I know I deserve a real relationship. Or no more false flags - whereby my imagination doesn't create romance when it's just an intense learning process with a masculine energy. At least I am learning not to take it personally. It's just being humans with one another. And one of us remembering finally, and the other still in amnesia. Well, more in the dark than I am.

I guess this is why I had to wait for so long before telling him I loved him. Because I would not have been strong enough to handle his shit earlier; You saw how I was with going to Turkey and going to Egypt. I was still so fragile and I needed love and affection from him.

I actually needed it.

And now, I know better than to flirt with men find I love and am attracted to. Or rather, there must be someone who won't mind, and will actually get turned on by my flirting method. And who won't make me feel very unsafe and nauseated like men make me feel.

I had written "all for the greater good of learning to keep your mouth shut."

But that's not the point. I will choose differently, make a different decision.

I know who I am. I am the me I want myself to be. Those versions of J Lo, of Christian Aguilera, the versions of women being real women. Empowered and also feminine and also masculine.

The author, the one who writes truth in a wry, witty way. The one who also speaks with authenticity and courage. The one who does Latin dance and anything she bloody wants to. The one who earns money and travels and loves fiercely and is given room to be herself. Free to be proudly bisexual and a sexual being, even if she's all theory and still no action quite as yet.

And if Nav can't handle it, I will divert my truth to myself. And to those who are conscious. He's on the brink of consciousness, he's actually more like U now I think of it. And I was ten times more a moron and shy and weird with U. God knows how he put up with me. But then that was fake, too.

And I've just realised if my Moon in Scorpio and Scorpio ascendant has such a Marmite effect on people and attracts men like bees, then Nav also has that same magnetic charisma...  his Moon is in Scorpio too. So I couldn't help it, in that sense it's not personal. I'm not the first victim. That's why he gets fed up with me. And also why I couldn't help myself.

Enough of this bs.

Energetic prisons. All my relationships with men fell like energetic prisons.

All stemming back to my relationship with nana, my dad and my mother.

He hated all the questions I had asked him in the beginning. He actually didn't like the forthright way I flirted with him. I had said, you can't help yourself. I couldn't. It was same with Immy. I couldn't help it. It was automatic. When I want something, I want something and why would I hide my love and desires? Makes no sense.

I told him, look, there was a good reason behind my asking the questions. And trust me, I won't be asking any more questions.

And I won't. We only have a month left with each other. Only see each other once or twice a week. Always start with fakeness, hello, how are you? Or Miss Juma.... he tries so hard to be suave and intelligent, the git. Can't see his own rawness, and his own rough edges... the Scorpio parts, and then when I'm encouraging him to be more real just with my own behaviour, he can't take his own shadow. Well, tough shit.

We were never compatible. God just likes me to be furiously in love and attracted to men I can never be with. Never able to be with them, distant. Karma.

Whether or not the vision I had about WW2 was accurate or not, I must have just been so cruel. To feel this pain in my heart, and to continue to shed these tears and be this frustrated.

It hurt my heart. Physical burning that only stopped when I distracted myself with Zumba earlier today.

Don't fool yourself any longer, Sukaynah.

You'll be leaving in a month and have nothing to show for it.

Well, not nothing. A generic souvenir from Dubai which you'll probably keep until you get annoyed because it's such a generic crappy gift and give it away.

The thing about life is that it really is as stupid as it sounds sometimes.

I got nothing except a few memories and some suffering and hurt. Took me 16 months to tell him because I was scared and the circumstances dictated there was nothing I could do. So I just got frustrated, and I over ate and got depressed and stressed. Giving him puppy dog eyes every time I saw him and him giving me his manic smile, the smile he gives everyone.

And he really could care less as a man.

It's really saddening for my heart, especially when he called me overemotional.

It was Immy all over again.

I don't like it and I deserve someone who can allow me to see him and him to see me.

For some reason, after Zumba today, I became flirty with a much older guy working at Hammersmith on the TfL. I was relaxed and felt more safe inside of myself.

I ask for my childlike innocence back, and the confidence I had. Please. It's mine after all.

At least, one thing I will grant is that he had been ignoring me all those times because my mood was off and so he didn't want to talk to me out of fear of what I'd say.

I acknowledge that people can get scared of me. Especially since they don't understand my love for them would change my behaviour. There is so much affection for him in my heart, yet he blocks it and just can't FEEL it. It's funny. And it's how I've been most of my life.

Behaviour and moods are not static, especially for a light worker. But he won't get that. Perhaps never.

Thank you, father energy.

Fucking hate it.

Makes you doubt the femininity in you as something valid. When in that environment, my me-ness goes out. The divinity, or my truth is diluted, and I believe in his reality.

Pakistani male programming and too much intellect and not enough gut or heart.

We delude ourselves, then we ask to be woken up.

And we lose the people we love the most. Again.

I've booked a counselling session at the Wimbledon Guild because I recognise the familiar signs of going under. I'm not saying I am weak, I'm saying I fall hard and I don't want to be contemplating walking in front of a car on a road like I did three weeks ago.

S had made a joke on the last day of the soul spa when I was trying so hard to become a psychic.

A couldn't read the energy of my small book and it was partly my fault because I was being smart and gave a book I'd hardly used instead of something with more of my energy on it. Scorpio, lol. Not playing the game or making things easier for the poor person.

So took him ages to figure it was me.

And she made a joke: if you can figure out her complicated energy, you're good. You'll now be able to figure anyone else out.

It's just that my 12th house also has Scorpio in it.

Even I can't figure myself out.

So stop trying. I stopped ages ago.

I will go feed some Syrian babies now, or help some kids on ChildLine. Or actually look for a job in London. Or Bristol or Bath or Bournemouth. Or Southampton.

And take a long bubble bath with salt. Body still is smashed after the Awakening on Saturday.

Can't be bothered with this shit any longer.

I had told him "there's so much stuff I have experienced, I can't even explain it."

He asked, "is it all that you've told me that I know or something else?"

So I said, "Some is what I've told you and some is what I haven't. I can't even tell you half the stuff I know, because you wouldn't understand, you're not ready for that information."

It's like something happens, you change your world view and are like, wow, I never imagined that was possible, and it is.

You know you can't really be intimate with someone you can't share your world with. Who doesn't really care either way.

And who will never want to share his world with you.

Next!

*** Edited on Wednesday morning so its much more coherent ***

Boomeranger

I am reading at least ten books at the same time right now. They all complement each other and I can cross reference them, which is great. This way of studying expands my awareness and knowledge exponentially. Now, if only I'd remember to renew the library books on time!

I'm quoting from The Bounce Back Book by Karen Salmansohn, which I picked up from a charity shop yesterday. (It resonated with me, obviously!)
 

tip#51  Anger is a boomerang

In fact, anger is so much of a boomerang, we could rename it "boomeranger."

During challenging times, it's easy to rage against the world - and specific people in it. But you can be sure that the anger you send out will come back at you and make you feel even worse.

Anger is a powerful emotion that manifests itself in lots of sneaky ways.

When I spoke about my sexual assault, many of my friends would say, "Come on, Karen! You must be so pissed off at that guy." But as far as I could tell, I wasn't. I truly didn't feel the sensation of anger within me. I just felt very sad and very hungry. As I keep mentioning, I had this never-ending urge to eat chocolate.

Turns out I wasn't hungry. I was furious! According to many psychologists I've spoken with since, my urge to devour chocolate was my way of acting out my anger - raging at myself and my thighs - instead of at my assaulter and his kneecaps.

According to Dr. Sandra Thomas, psychologist and editor of Women and Anger, because so many women are uncomfortable expressing anger outwardly, they often turn it inward, transferring their rage into substance abuse.

Whether a woman is abusing drugs or chocolate, she tend to fall into an unfortunate downward spiraling of self-esteem because she's not only angry about her ordeal but upset about her addiction.

Talk about a raw deal. But it's not like men have it any easier.

For many men, powerful emotions that make them feel vulnerable, like heartbreak or failure, often manifest themselves as rage. Remember when I said that anger is sneaky? That's because it tricks you into feeling empowered. Rage feels strong. Grief, loss, and failure feel weak.

I was surprised by how many of my male friends actually offered to perform violent acts against my assaulter. I'm still not sure how serious they were, but it was clear these guys were offering up their "projected anger" as a way to express empathy.

The bottom line is that, male and female, we all struggle with ways to deal with our anger. As Dr. Thomas reminds us, "Anger is like a squeezed balloon. If it does not come out in one way, it will in another."

Psychologists at the University of Wisconsin have come to believe that anger is the number-one trigger for substance abuse. They've developed a method called "forgiveness therapy" that helps patients find ways to release the rage that is at the root of their substance abuse. And it seems to be working.

In one study, 14 patients with drug and alcohol dependence were randomly assigned either a twice-weekly forgiveness therapy session or routine drug/alcohol therapy treatment. Guess what? The participants in forgiveness therapy showed significantly more improvement than those who only did routine drug/alcohol therapy.

Bottom line: When you are feeling angry after a trauma or loss, it is essential that you get in touch with your anger and express it appropriately. Only then will you find forgiveness and closure.

Bounce Back Assignment: 

Release your rage in healthy ways: Punch a sofa cushion; scream into a pillow; rip a newspaper to shreds; run in place; throw a safe breakable object; stomp your feet. Do whatever it takes to get the anger out of your system (at least for a bit).

Now, take a deep breath and try this forgiveness therapy exercise developed by anger expert and psychologist Everett Worthington. With a little work (and a lot of courage), you may find a more permanent release for your anger:

A. Recall the hurt.


B. Empathize and try to understand the act from the perpetrator's perspective.


C. Be altruistic by recalling a time you were forgiven.


D. Put your forgiveness into words - in a letter to be sent or never sent.


E. Don't dwell.

~~~
~~~


It's a very concisely written, yet it encapsulates the best parts of acknowledging your anger and working through the emotion in a mature way.

I am a carb-loader and chocoholic in times of unmanageable stress. I'm only glad that I have developed such a high level of caffeine sensitivity that I no longer drink six strong mugs of tea as I used to during my university years.

Caffeine addiction appears to be a safer alternative to nicotine, cannabis or beer, but the bottom line is that it's just a substitute drug. The underlying reasons for why you are addicted still need to be addressed. Note this please, coffee, kahva and chai addicts everywhere!

My way of dealing with rage... ahem, I think I'd better tell you what my Ideal Self's way of dealing with rage is, instead!

• Running, yoga, dance and household chores - any physical exertion releases the tension and distracts the mind from the broken record playing in the mind
• Deep breathing, mindfulness and meditation
• Sending metta to the person I am angry with
• Communing with nature ~ the chi of the trees and animals soothes me greatly, balances out the heavy energies
• Laughing my butt off

Okay, I'll admit it: I do smash dishes and glasses from time to time. I must recommend you only do it with the ugliest crockery, smash something that is easily replaceable, in a secure place and preferably when you're alone (and the neighbours are out!)

It is HIGHLY cathartic...and possibly more more productive than yelling like a crazy person at the object of your ire or repressing and denying it until you develop a sore throat, high blood pressure, searing pains in your neck and TMJ syndrome (it's recurrent and quite devastating, trust me!)

It's boomer-anger, remember? The negativity multiplies and you find yourself in a cesspool that is quite difficult to get yourself out of.

The good news is that one you start empathising with the person you are angry with, compassion for yourself and for him/her begins to ripple to your awareness. With practice, the compassion becomes stronger and the rage slowly subsides to acceptance.

Note, I said slowly. And it's not an easy curve, it's up and down and all around :) They call it growth, apparently.

It also helps to recognise that the person is teaching you a lesson in patience, unconditional love or positive regard and compassion.

I shall end with an affirmation.

~~~

There is no blame. 

I release the need to blame anyone, including myself. 

We are all doing the best we can with the understanding, knowledge, and awareness we have.