“A woman's heart
should be so hidden
in God that a man has
to seek Him
just
to
find
her.”
- Maya Angelou
****
i tried again, God.
i thought this time would be different
but it just showed me
my delusions and denials.
maybe i was destined
to find a child-like friend
but someone who doesn't even
have the inclination to talk
on the phone.
yet, i love him.
it's a pure love
from one pure soul
for another
i don't even think he loves me back
not in the way i need
just as a friend
or family
i have to go through yet another
grieving process
it's in the eyes
in the heart
in the thymus
grief
disappointment
rage
i am truly appreciative
for the connection
past-life or beyond incarnation
i was trying to make friends with
someone else
but he is in a lot of pain
and my strongly held opinions
clashed with his -
he told me to leave him alone
the losses increase
and You are trying to get through to me
the material tokens
the prestige
the years
the people
i remind myself how some dervishes look on the outside
unkempt
in direct communion with Thee
have i ever experienced a single moment
in my life of that grace
that direct connection with Thee?
am i settling again for form
and not allowing it all to wash away
into molecules
into atoms?
i would like to feel
i am such a woman
who is hidden in God
they tell me to make a list
to buy two pink candles
to recite verses
to make a spell
but is that all that is required
to finally be with a Soul
who is my perfect complement
my soul-mate
a man who would actually recognise me
at first sight
rather than the other way round
the man who would see Goddess
inside of me
and his heart would open
with recognition, love and worship
of Thee
recognising my Light
understanding that I am still only a fallible human,
with many weaknesses,
immense hcallenges,
intense Scorpio energy,
but the respect, the love, the compassion
and the feeling of homecoming,
recognition
would ooze through his eyes?
he would match me in stillness
and i would match him in vigour
we would speak
without speaking
we would not feel ashamed
of gazing into each other's souls
no shame in fucking each other's brains out
whilst calling Thy Holy names
filled with gratitude for Thy plan
pure tantra
pure Union
pure love-making
matching our lust and love into
a litany, an ode
a whispered prayer
a relieved thank you
after my 15 year search
the emotional healing would
of course be in process
but there would be the emotional
connection
most of my holes would be filled
with ME
so that they were no longer hole
but just holy
and the same for him
and my irritability would be
tempered by peace
wisdom
matched by his
wisdom
humility
saying salaam
to humility
the complement
to my mission
on this planet
of self healing
healing others
learning from foolish mistakes
figuring out how to be financially
abundant
he would help me build
my spiritual centre
the healing modality
would heal his traumas
he would understand
the light language
flowing from my hands
and we would both dream of one another
without even making a bedtime intention
but, dearest little one,
you would need to be
an entirely different woman
to the one you show up as right now
frequency
vibes
good luck
just breathe
agar hona hai, hoga eventually agar iss baari kuch nahi hona toh hona nahi hai
the end-game is activating and aligning with
my own masculine energy
and truly loving myself as i would like another to love me
and unconditionally love
all the others who crossed my path
and then ran off
my discernment requires work
and this codependency needs
a BPL (bum peh laat)
hide inside of God
the real one
not the ones all these new age people
all these religious people
are shoving down your third eye
implanting you with false ideologies
tu abhi bachhi nahi rahi
grow up, yaar
mature
maturation is vital for meeting with God
and an understanding
that He causes the blindness
and that you only call Him He
because
someone told you to do so
it is of course a moot point
but it does make one question
Sukaina Juma
07/01/2020
(N.B. I'm not even venturing to ask you for a woman - the attraction hasn't ever been so strong that anything happened. Although I am most definitely bisexual, it's more a concept, more an understanding, a vehicle for compassion and tolerance, but not a real experience. Connections are soul based. For some reason, I don't gel with any of the women I have ever met in that way. Meeting the wrong women, then!)
Deeper than Love at First sight.
THE SOUL CONNECTION IS DEEPER THAN THE EYES MAY SEE AND PERCEIVE. It is
what is seen beyond the eyes that triggers our remembrance. This
remembrance comes in different forms throughout lifetimes which we’ve
experienced as soul on our soul’s journey. You see, it isn’t simply our
bodies that are on this journey, it’s most certainly our soul’s
initiation which prompted our formation and our willingness to take on
human form in order to fulfill some mission we signed up for. While we
may not remember the mission initially, our souls most certainly do.
Which is why many times as we travel though life, we may not understand
the meaning for certain occurrences, yet in retrospect we learn the
meaning of the experience. So what we feel, and what we perceive are
usually introductions for experiences which have yet to materialize and
the meaning usually involves a much broader scope because it is
heavenly. In this way there is no such thing as failure, only
transcendence, only the implementation of butterfly affects which will
most certainly have their way further than the eyes may see because they
are steadily fueled through and by soul’s intent.
THE SOUL
CONNECTION IS LOVE. What is Love? It is the very energy which ensured
our safe entry on to this earth plane. It is the energy that we
recognize through connection. It is consistent, patient and steadfast.
It gives our minds the ability to dream and our souls the urge to
travel. It brings true meaning to our lives. And so, as we walk in Love,
there are doors which continuously open for the advancement of Divine
mission. I’ve often heard that God will not put on us more than we can
bare; it’s often resonated as truth. For as soul, we are resilient, we
are open; we want to know and stay in the knowing of God through
expansion as triggered through our ascension process.
THE TWIN
FLAME CONNECTION IS DEEPER THAN THE EYES MAY SEE OR PERCEIVE. It is that
of Love. It is a mission involving dualism. Where masculine and
feminine are defined as one soul with counterbalancing present within
each and every soul in human form. The duality aspect from a Twin Flame
perspective is that I feel my masculine aspect was masterfully placed
within the psyche as a trigger for soul remembrance. As the masculine
human form makes entrance into the feminine’s sacred space, it’s merely a
subtle reminder or final snippet in a puzzle which consists of
mutuality. The same may be said for the feminine aspect. He recognizes
the divine feminine counterpart through the counterbalancing feminine
aspect within the strength of his own masculinity. And so this
phenomenon is as real and as sacred as the sun rising each day, and is
as natural as the sun set as well. You see, all of this is being
recorded, this whole journey, and I’m beginning to learn that as we
transform in this life, the opportunity to create and co-create the
journey of our choice remains the same. What we decide to create will
remain a conscious decision until the very day we leave this plane. And
so, may all we do align with the soul’s mission, in understanding that
we are more than this skin, this hair or these eyes. While I do feel
that these eyes are most certainly the windows to the soul. I can
literally hear what isn’t said through them at times…~ Shameika Pearson
Today, after such a long time, I felt my essence creep back within me, and expel itself outwards.
I have felt so tired for so long.
So very long.
It seems that the path of the mystic begins in utter forgetfulness, and repeats the same in this world of utter chaos and confusion.
I was sitting on the bus this morning, with the sunlight streaming through the dirty, unwashed windows. For the last few weeks, my senses have been heightened and I can't stand the sounds of other people talking in rough tones. Everywhere I find myself, I feel that the experience is burden to my soul. A necessary evil. The constraints are coming back to cloak me.
And in that sunlight, I saw the dust specks that float around in our environment. And there is something about not having any control over our environment that brings a soul to question their Creator: is this really what I came here for?
A long list of people's names and faces float in front of my eyes, teaching me that no matter how badly I desired connection, or the experience of romance or friendship, no amount of forcing things ever made it occur. And when I forced things, they ended up being pale and corrupted versions of what I originally wished to create.
On my way home, I took the bus I rarely take as I needed a different route "home", a different point of view, a different outcome. I need to wash myself off of the crap I have taken on during the day.
I got off the bus alongside a bunch of people who live in my neighbourhood, yet we lead entirely separate and secluded lives. I went in the direction that was not the same as theirs, into the long seeded grasses of the common.
I touched and kissed the buttercups, and breathed in the liquid green healing that was available to my really exhausted soul. My feet began to dance as they struck the dry, cracked earthened track...
And I remembered my time in Uzumlu, walking with an older gentleman who was like my grandfather, and who had recently departed from this plane.
They were walks that I took and he tired to help me in his own way, yet once we were back in London, my demons took over and I never once sent him a text or rang him.
And now he is forever gone, and all I have is an apology to his soul for not honouring the connection.
The sunlight is peeling my skin apart, and peeling apart the egoic structures.
I had opened my heart last week and allowed the initiation to take place, to trust in Love and in Sacred God Light and in God.
And now my heart is closed again... and I pray each day for it to open again.
The past is now most definitely the past, yet the sadness and the disappointment is still stuck in this foolish heart of mine, and so I eat sugar as though my life depended upon it.
Trust me to be my own worst enemy. And it is taking a lot of me to come to terms with what i have been doing with myself to ensure that I remain in a painful state.
Family have shown me that they can not be trusted to treat me with respect and true love as I somehow expected and anticipated from them.
What is a relief, and a mystery, is that the person I thought was my twin flame, my Manu, and the one I assumed I would always have strong and passionate feelings for, has gone entirely from my heart. It is disappointing from the point of view of my soul's development, as the aim to to love every single bit of Life as God, but from another point of view, having entirely neutral or no feelings at all is the biggest breakthrough. I can't even conjure up his face in my mind's eye any longer, nor his energy with mine as I lie to go to sleep.
It is as though he no longer exists at all now in my personal world.
I suppose that is the only way I can move on with my life, to thrive, to survive. Because, facing the ugly fact, he both made and broke me. A million times.
And as for the other two, there is not really much point in dragging on hopeless scenarios. Married men will remain happily married with children, and nothing I pray for or imagine or hope will manifest. They don't love me enough
... and there is a huge blessing in that.
I am slowly becoming an automaton in the workplace and I must find a solution and a way out.
It is severely disappointing to me that once again I will not complete a course and certification due to life and my ill health.
I've just gotten bored with everything that everyone has to say. Any harm that comes to me, and trust me it comes to me daily, is looked upon with a weariness and a studied avoidance. No matter how much I avoid being around people and cars, they find a way to interfere with my journey and almost run me over and kill me. Almost daily now. Just like I miss the bus to work daily.
I read something really precious in the book I have in front of me... "The Knowing Heart" by Kabir Helminski, and it talks about surrender and submission of one's will and taking everything as a true gift.
Every smite, difficulty, everything.
I feel that in my quest to find real teachings and teachers, I have still come up with cold air and the whispers of a sweet, masculine, American (but not Texan) voice on a freezing cold night driving back to Richmond Hill from Niagara Falls.
My mind had been upset and attacked for the preceding days, I had experienced two major panic attacks in someone else's use, and I had to somehow maintain my dignity amongst clueless relatives. it was tough.
"Well, may I be blunt?"
"Sure."
"The problem is that you haven't submitted fully to God. You keep talking in terms of I."
And I have had to view that uncomfortable truth straight in the eye. Every single day.
But, it takes time to get to that state, my dear majnoon brother. (Making you my brother will be a lot easier for my soul to bear than the original desire).
And you have been blessed with that state after all of your self discipline and dedication.
I have not done that for myself as yet, and so I am learning to move forward.
It is beautiful to be in the presence of someone with such a calming, loving energy flooding through their entire system. I didn't have to be speaking to him (and trust me, he didn't feel like talking to me most of the time). I just craved to be in the same auric field as his, and so I took all opportunities to do that, including staying up late into the night whilst they talked about kryptocurrency, and athiests and agnostics, and then I felt more grounded and safer. At "home". Embraced, and comforted.
At the time, I assumed it was him I was after, and for the last two years since we met, I assumed that would give my soul the peace it was seeking.
But we always mistake the vessel, the pottery, for the true authentic Source of energy.
God then breaks the pottery, makes it so very flawed and mean and avoidant, that He returns you back to the Source. God loves us too much to let us remain in delusion for that long. Especially if we are sincere in our seeking, and our in our light.
But what sincerity is, is different to each soul. Remember Moses and the shepherd, always. We each have been that Shepherd, and Moses, and Khidhr, and all of them. We are all One. We just need to remember.
But it takes experience and a certain level of growth to see Truth with clarity and immediacy. A lot of solitude and reflection - so that one doesn't begin hating the one we love, but seeing them as unable to love back in the same manner. It is not their role to appease any insecurities, but to unpick and unravel our tapestry of self deceit as to allow all the maggots to come to the surface, and gnaw the false sense of self into dust.
How vulnerable it feels to be thrown back to the ground again, to get up and look around and find oneself in the same position one was 8 long years ago. The same words reverberating in ones ears, the same fears making us have sleepless nights.
And yet...
Even those closer to God than you will disappoint. He went off on his journeys to visit spiritual friends, and never thought to take me. And I never had expectations, but I suppose the fact he said in the very end that it had been a possibility is what was so humbling, and so disappointing.
The God I have faith in doesn't play games, but human egos play those games.
Nonetheless, that conversation, alongwith the driving and the love, healed something that had been sucking my energy dry. It was another one of those awful entities, and trust me, I am so fed up of having to deal with them and remove them, and them coming back, and removing them yet again.
Whether I pick them up in these heaving cities of murkiness and energy leeching, or if I take them on from individuals when I empathise with them, it has not served me well. They attach to my throat, and i cannot express myself, they attach to my mind, and I think ugly thoughts.
I felt more like myself after the healing, It was very strong, and I was reeling with dizziness for a long time afterwards, but still stuck as a guest in someone else's Pakistani home, and therefore having to respond "normally" like others, instead of the lost, wandering, gypsy like soul that I house.
The one who could see me most was my mirror, and even he surprised me with his repressive and limited programming that he is still to question and address.
The masculine, Pakistani, Muslim programming that feels no qualms about two women being married to the same man AND sharing the same room. The programming that personalises historical and spiritual events, and thinks that prayers to remove blessings from the entire lineage of certain dark characters in Shi'a history is justified, and in the same breath prays for Palestine, Syria, and wants to heal the world.
The programming that somehow tells me to wear a headscarf, and that somehow that will aid me in my quest for liberation and a state of utter oneness with God.
Gender is truly a concept.
We came to make this damned planet into one whereby females are no longer harmed or controlled by masculine energy.
The wedding was probably the most normal human thing I have done in a long time. it would have been lovely, had it not also been such an empty experience for me. Just the wedding reception. A bunch of people in a room, waxed and painted and seated. No real introductions made, and I felt a bit nauseated and uncomfortable with having to make conversation with people who were not comfortable with my energy. I didn't know what to do with those encounters, and they left me feeling as though I had two left feet.
But that red velvet cake was good!
As was this kickass song I discovered at the mehendi
I know, the lyrics are demeaining, as is the really unimaginative video. I like the tune. It's good for Zumba workouts :p
And I come home from Canada with a buzz, only to find out that I was criticised behind my back by people who were sweet to my face - and about the most petty of matters. Showering for too long, and blatant lies about my not washing dishes enough - this is the extent that some people see me as. An unreliable dishwasher. Not as an invited, honoured guest in the house (alongside 13 other people), or a loved, treasured niece. If I ever felt like a second cousin, it was in that house.
At the end of it, once I process the hurt my ego feels, I will accept that we don't have to be likeable to the majority of people. And we will be lied to, and betrayed by people who will be the most loving people to others. Something in us triggers off that darkness.
When this happens often enough, and in my experience, it always has, it is better to be alone in this case.
Rule 6, 40 Rules of Love by Shems Tebrizi Loneliness and solitude are two different things. When you are
lonely, it is easy to delude yourself into believing that you are on the
right path. Solitude is better for us, as it means being alone without
feeling lonely. But eventually it is the best to find a person who will
be your mirror. Remember only in another person’s heart can you truly
see yourself and the presence of God within you.
And my mirrors have all gone off, becoming memories of the past.And I will no longer carry the past upon my shoulders like a huge burden.
It was what it was. I did what I did, they said what they said.
My delusions are continuously blown up in my face, until I surrender to Thee.
And not have any false beliefs or delusions about my fellow humans, and their capacity for unconditional love. We all are still clearing our muck.
It looks really ugly, and I'm going through the motions due to lack of any other choices at this time.
And yet, when the joy hits, I become One with Self and with Thee
Water says to the dirty, "Come here." The dirty one says, "But I am so ashamed." Water says, "How will you be made clean without me?" Rumi, Mathnavi
~~~~~~~
You remove the thoughts that create a life form.
The energy comes back for a while, and you feel like your blood has become liquid gold for a while.
I have more energy.
Two days ago, with the precision of timing that only God has mastery over, and with my surrendering to my intuition, I met my soul mate whom I had not seen in 8 months due to his fears and blockages from his wife.
He apologised to me in very clear and detailed words. no running, no hiding behind a silent wall. I fell in love with him all over again (not that I had stopped). A perfect present... but there is nothing I can do. When someone gives away all of their power to their spouse, whereby she is checking his phone and emails, and doesn't allow you to experience the delicate nuances of human relationship. When he lacked the courage to text or call me in 8 months, and not really care how many nights I cried, or the pain that is still playing up every once in a while... well, then he isn't ready for me to be in his life.
As a friend.
I would never break up anyone's marriage or partnership (how egotistical is that thought? that someone else is the cause or source of my happiness or my peace), and this one obviously has been going very well for eleven years. They had their third child in September 2017.
I ain't that desperate for companionship (not any longer, that is).
I told him, "I know I deserve better."
This life teaches you that there are things that are more important than coupling. being okay with being alone, and being the main cause for this loneliness, for one.
The funny thing is I thought of him two days ago watching one of those YouTube videos about picking cards regarding exes. For him, the green crystals came up, as in he thought of me as a friend and was an angel in my life. All that is true.
But the love between us is so strong, I was surprised after 8 months, I still have exactly the same force of love and attraction and affection towards him. No change. As always, there was the electric charge that occurs whenever we are in the same vicinity, in the same room.
But I am thankfully not the same soul I was 8 months ago. Or rather, not the same human. I am forcing myself to surrender to whatever the reality is.
If I cast so many wicked, dark magic spells upon myself throughout the years and existences, it will take some time for them to wear off.
I had the witch-like entity removed exactly two weeks before. And, after 8 months after being so broken and in pain and hurt, and him ignoring me once when I was at the grocery store, we meet - with the precision of seconds. Had I left work earlier or had I been sidetracked with going to the second building to drop off leaflets for my colleague, I would have missed him. I left the leaflets because they were too heavy. And was angry at myself for not bringing them when it would have taken just two extra minutes to drop them off.
But those two minutes would have meant never meeting my Punjabi soulmate that evening.
He asked me to forgive him... he looked towards the skies in what seemed a gesture of awe and gratitude and said, "Well, it was meant to be that we met".
"I don't want you to think that I ever thought of you in less of a way. I don't want you to think that it was me who sent you that message.
"It wasn't you?"
"It was my wife."
I always am amazed how he keeps calling her his wife, instead of by name. I would always call them by their names. There must be some anger toward her on his part. He must feel the trappings, the energetic shackles and enslavement - he's really not that unintelligent or in denial (I would hope not.).
"You have no idea how many times I dialled your number and then cut off the call."
He alone has the right to break, for he alone has the power to mend. He that knows how to sew together knows how to tear apart: whatever He sells, He buys something better in exchange. He lays the house in ruins; then in a moment He makes it more livable than before." Rumi, Mathnavi, 1, 3882
"But I never received any call!"
"Yes, because I cut the call before dialling. I just had no idea what would happen if I did, and I couldn't take the risk. The guilt has been eating me up."
"Ab aisa lag raha hai ke thhora dil ka bojh kum ho gaya..."
Honestly? I couldn't write a script better than this - and he's not even for me. Well, my hair could have been prettier and breath fresher. Haha. Note for next time... except, again, had I stopped to freshen up at the office before leaving, I'd have missed him!
But maybe the script my soul is writing is the one of unconditional love. Not having anyone in your life, and forcing yourself to forgive his insecure wife, his own ego, and release the attachment. To spread your love to others, including some (there are many in London) arseholes that have crossed you.
If he had allowed me, I'd have given him a massive hug and a kiss. But Sukaina was not allowed to show her love and affection to him, as has always been the case. And so he drove off in his silver car, not even willing or able to offer me a lift to the bus stop.
The funny thing about him is I picked up on his beauty whilst walking past his car, and dared to look again - it was my soul that said, "look at this handsome guy. It is safe to look - to engage with life" - my default has been to ignore people and glaze my view. Something about those Muslim beards gets me into a hypnotic state. Thank goodness, he cut it back to regular size. There had been a phase whereby he was doing a some really weird things with that beard of his.
And then I recognised him.
He recognised me.
And I called out, "Can you talk to me?"
He said "I can, now."
And the best thing about him is there is almost no drama. None at all. Comfortable like an old pair of sneakers. Like a fleece blanket. Like my neighbour's cats. Like a cup of cocoa with marshamllows and cream.
His is a soul I could hug forever. The kind of feeling I want to feel when I finally meet my own life partner. Just warm and fuzzy. Instant trust and faith. God energy.
The refined, perfect merging of the divine feminine and sacred masculine.
For 8 months, my belief has been he just doesn't care. And it is correct - one has to be really distracted and in fear to not clear up any misunderstandings.
A simple text or phone call would be all that it took. But he hasn't gotten to that level as yet.
And on the night of the solar eclipse, he showed me just how MUCH he loves and cares for me. I can never doubt it again. But, again, there was a heat of mutual love and care, of respect and of compassion, and none of the crap that I was feeling before: no anger, no hatred, no desire to get in the last word. I just spoke too quickly again.
It's the kind of friendship we both would grow from and find immense freedom in. And fun. But, as it stands... he closed off at the end, probably feeling guilty about his wife. Honestly, what is it with us humans and operating our beautiful, free existences based on the core trappings of guilt and fear?
I did tell him, "You need to have courage. Aise rishtey bohot kam milte hain. If anything changes, give me a call. Or text."
All he said was, "I'll see you around, maybe." He stiffened up, went back to reality.
I do NOT envy him, in spite of the fact he has a loving wife and three beautiful children, and an active social life, and loving family.
Since this isn't quite working in my favour, more entities are in need of removal, more curses. We both were standing out in the cold on the pavement for half an hour, rather than in a nice cosy coffee shop or restaurant. I didn't even think of asking to sit in the car to talk, and even if I had, I wouldn't have asked. He would have gotten the wrong idea of what my intentions are.
I just hope he chooses me as his spouse or girlfriend the next time we both incarnate together. What the **** is the point of incarnating with all of these beautiful soulmates, meeting them online or in the flesh, and NOT ****ing ending up with any of them? Hello?
This is so difficult for me. We were both here when we were teenagers but I never met him then, did I? I always, ALWAYS, find them AFTER they have already married the women they are meant to be with. It was the curse I put upon myself at age 13. The ridiculous Jane Austen curse.
And I accept that I made such a horrible thing happen to me. I wanted to experience this level of indescribable pain, I guess.
However, after feeling like there was something fundamentally wrong with me that no man I loved loves me back, and each of them have hurt me, Allah graced me with the clear sign that He can make things happen with such precise engineering, I still can't believe it. I've still been going to the grocery store, but never seeing him and have become so okay with it, I don't even look for him.
Allah also is reminding me that, contrary to how my family feel about me, how certain female friends feel, and contrary to every shitty thought I have had about myself and my life, he loves me. No question.
Such a sweet, kind, soft man. So soft and stable and loving, I melt into his energy and never want to leave (unless he's acting upon his ego, which is infuriating).
May I find one with all of their good qualities who had true courage and spiritual fire, such that he knows straight away that we are connected and is willing to sacrifice for the union.
Or else, give me two healthy cats to have as my children!
(Ideally both, but as they say, "laazim nahin hai ke dunya ke saari khushiyan kamaa le tu...").
And then, today, I lost all energy and vitality, I've been lying in bed all day "sick". I hope I didn't create a sadness and frustration entity that's sucking me dry.
Oh, this spiritual path!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm reading a few Sufi books I finally got after my friend got mad at me for not reading from the masters and going to hacks and charlatans for healings and knowledge.
The Knowing Heart and Living Presence, both by Kabir Helminski who has a soft, fluid way with words.
And a book by Chishti about Sufi healing...title to be added when I find the book somewhere in my room.
Starting with what is familiar and warm, what I know... my soul isn't as old as I wanted it to be, and I am now accepting of all of that.
I still mess up in social situations, and still don't have control over my own life... the small things, the larger things.
Experiencing such extreme fatigue and a buzzing that won't let me sleep or meditate or pray. Or do anything I need to do.
I met someone new over the weekend. I already knew he was happily married with two children before we even met in the flesh, so this time I fortunately didn't get my hopes up. We didn't interact much during the full day workshop we were participating at, mainly because it was more task based and taking in information than that of interaction. At lunch, we were at different tables.
I found it easier to be in this group setting yet I still had a panic attack in the morning and had to do some deep breathing and hold onto a crystal for the morning session.
It has been a challenging week.
He was gracious enough to drop me half way home, to the nearest TfL Underground station that didn't mean him going out of his way. Very logical. Had to go back home to his kids.
Again, on my pilgrimage to Iraq earlier this month, I had asked for my genuine and real soul family to come up so I can begin making new and hopefully longer lasting connections. No karma, no drama.
So the first guy I'm sent along is a surprise, since I have been hiding and in hibernation for months now, after having been repeatedly hurt by male members of the human species. I seem to have been attracting the really sensitive ones who have been hurt so badly, they have barbed wires around their hearts and minds and have punctured me so much whilst all I tried to do was heal their hearts.
A hard lesson learned.
He is someone who again I didn't even bother to exchange contact details with or even ask what his last name was, because of the very old paradigm of me connecting so quickly and comfortably with a Muslim man who is married.
We felt like old friends from the start. I did fall into an old pattern of sounding somewhat superficial and involved with the mundane realities of life, only because I suppose I had to speak in a language he would understand. It felt so good to just be my daft self, not even knowing how connect to the Bluetooth of his BMW and not being able to help charge his phone properly.
We drove in silence for a while (he couldn't take too much quiet for reasons unknown) as the sun was setting and as we passed lush green fields and beautiful trees, I realised this is what a normal romantic relationship would feel like. It made me sad that, in 33 years, I am yet to experience such simple pleasures of life.
And yet the acceptance of my current life and all of the past heavy karmic involvements with others washed through me. "My next life-time will be better, inshallah" is my new appeasing phrase to myself.
We were driving past Hyde Park when he complained about his frustration with the Muslim community doing the defunct thing every Thursday of going to the mosque and wasting X amount of hours in a year over nothing.
"We should do something more social, why doesn't anyone do something more casual?"
I replied: Well, there are people who are doing a lot of stuff, but they are the ones who have been excommunicated from the community!" And then I continued, "Look, you have to understand that there are different soul ages and levels. From my perspective, 80% of people who are currently Muslim are like that because if they WEREN'T Muslim, and weren't under some rules and regulations, they would cause such chaos in the world. I am one such person, if I hadn't had a grounding, I'd have been even more lost than I am now."
He nodded his head in assent.
"There are many people who are infant souls. Now someone who is kindergarten and reached Year five is doing quite well for himself. You can't expect that person to become a PhD. You have to understand this. And as for those of us (such as you and I) who are going beyond that and seeking more, well, that's because... um (at that point, I was so exhausted, my words were failing me and couldn't come out as poetic and meaningful as I would have liked) .. the fabric of our souls is different."
Yes, he felt like soul family. I haven't felt this comfortable with anyone in such a long time, at least since my colleague from the job I left a year ago. The same colleague who was such a source of support to me for two years has now decided to ignore me entirely.
And this is why I no longer can rely on anyone. Because they will always fail you.
Hadhrat Abbas (a.s.) shrine at Dhuhr prayer
I had gone to Iraq to pray for myself, pray for Iraq, pray for the dire way the UK is going, pray for every animal and every soul. Pray, pray, pray for my entire life to shift and change. For me to just be free from all that is holding me back.
I may need to write a separate post on my journey there. It deserves such respect.
For now, I can say I felt such immense peace at the shrines in Najaf, Karbala and Kadhmain. The energy shimmered. I didn't feel the loss of family or lovers or friends.
It felt as though my real divine mother had taken me up and was cradling me in her arms. This was specifically at the shrine of Abu Fadhl Abbas ibn Ali. Such peace, such belonging. I cried almost every time. My heart hurt. I couldn't recite anything, I would just look at the children playing and pray for their safety and well being and look at the sparrows flitting about the shrine, making thier place there.
It felt so good being there. Two weeks in a place without any chem trails. I could breathe. Although I really dislike wearing the black chador, at least I blended in and no one stared at me as they do in London. I had very few, if any, people sticking to my butt as well.
I came back to London and I miss it. But I could not live in Iraq. Not right now. Maybe when there is peace in that land, I may try to live in Baghdad or any place where I don't need to cover from head to toe.
The orphan children and their smiles.... I would like to experience serving the orphans in a very real and practical way.
Beautiful Iraqi children in Najaf, selling trinkets on the street instead of being in school
I feel more at home there than I do in London or any other place in the West I have visited. London has very dark energies, and most light workers I speak to agree with me on this. They all feel they would be a lot better suited to another place, the countryside or elsewhere. Perhaps we all decided to come here because we were called to cleanse the place.
But for some of us, the pain and drama is not worth awakening an entire city or planet for. It is no longer acceptable to my own soul, I deserve better than the experiences that continue to occur with me in this city. With people feeling so disconnected form themselves and the general chaos in this city, surely I know better than to continue staying here.
I never thought I would go so far as to say I feel imprisoned living in London. I know there might be a city or town somewhere else in the UK whereby my soul could rest and breathe freely. Or somewhere else in the world whereby my footsteps and presence would be loved and cherished.
It is just a matter of asking God to help reveal the next steps and finally remove the obstacles to it all.
If I was to detail the fabric of my own soul, it is of the most delicate and fine material, wispy and loving. Warm shades of pink, mauve, blue, green, splashes of bright yellow and giggles. A deep cat's purr.
(C) Kenji Kumara, all rights reserved
There is a reason why the Qu'erro shared their healing knowledge and wisdom with us "Western" people. We need healing more than ever.
Even though I think I've done the healing, today my shaman told me I have to keep doing the healing.
It is what it is.
May I finally submit to what God wishes for me, instead of going against the divine plan and ending up with nothing all over again.
That burnt out feeling of a tired soul that wants release
I sit under this loyal tree o' mine,
Gazing at the azure sky that beams at me with benefaction.
Today I focus on the ladybug who decided
my heart was soft and open enough
to be trusted.
She ventures her tiny feet upon
my calloused fingers.
One full moon ago here I lay,
nursing the hurt I felt as a result
of a letter written to me in ire
by a rejected suitor.
The hurt was more
because I had to decline his interest,
than it was to do with those harsh
words of little consequence.
Sitting here, my bare feet on the grass,
I thought of the boy
who wrote one hysterically funny note,
and then chose not to respond
to my witty repartee.
This young laddie from the Midlands
encouraged me to release
and transmute into your roots,
the layers of bitterness and resentment
for all they've ever said or done.
And many full moons afore,
I found myself here, in the cold
and the velvety darkness,
humming devoted prayers
from a holy book
for the eternal peace of the brother of my beloved,
who had drastically departed from this existence.
Leaving behind exquisite memories,
a grieving wife,
a life yet to be born,
a lazy, good-for-nothing cat,
and a vibrancy I still pine to experience.
And afore that?
What else didst thou witness, o loyal companion o' mine?
My back, bent and trembling,
my eyes continually leaking
those forbidden tears
for a myth, an unfathomable sphinx,
a Soul so beautiful,
so cold,
so harsh,
so cerebral,
so heartless.
Impervious
to the the very dregs of my soul,
to the very last pearls of myself,
for which I dove into the hidden chasms,
delved into the deepest recesses,
and offered them as bribes;
everything I had of value,
I gave to him.
Sacrosanct
He intoxicated
the untouched nymph within,
paralysed her.
Artemis stood still in fear of all that was possible
- it couldn't really be this easy, could it?
Could she allow herself
to be joyful,
to feel loved,
to belong?
Sacrosanct
He made her aware of all that she lacked,
of her naivete
that couldn't understand his intense
attention,
which then flickered out,
and sought out another
to ignite;
whilst she deliberated.
Transfixed.
He held her transfixed.
Just as Izrael transfixes
the soul he is charged
with destroying,
at the moment of
reckoning.
O humble Izrael,
at least thou bringest a sweet smelling flower
to those whose innocent hearts
lead them to shame
and regret.
There is still some mercy, some absolution
when thou breaketh apart
all fabricated realities,
as thou teareth apart all carefully woven illusion
into slivers and shreds,
as thou cracketh open the hardened shell
o' erected barriers,
to bring forth the
Ascension,
overdue and catalysmic,
to reveal that magnificent
Essence of Spirit,
and reveal it unto itself.
Sacrosanct
In my folly,
I declined my right to a solitary rose,
and chose to remain a solitary reaper
of that which I had sown,
in the moment and even afore
my present incarnation.
I shunned a marriage enfolded
in His compassion and mercy.
Sacrosanct
Merging, healing,
mutual and tender,
a third bloom,
imbuing the cosmos with
the delicate scent
of
ultimate Union.
T'was too mundane an occurrence for me.
Love was forbidden.
She could not allow herself to partake of it.
Her imagined strength
lay in her solitary existence.
Quelle erreur!
This ordinary romance could not compare to
the intensely possessive,
jealous,
vengeful love affair
of self-abuse and unfathomable disconnect
I had co-created with my dark paramour,
who ravaged me from the very core of my being,
chewed me up and spit me out,
who had carefully wiped blank any remnant spark o' life
behind these eyes o' mine,
flung me into a chasmic void,
filled with those oft-mentioned scorpions and beasts of horror.
Whimpering, bedraggled, supine
with bleeding wrists.
The empty, sunken eye sockets
saw nothing.
Empty hours and days,
spent underneath a sun that couldn't
warm that miserable, shrunken and unused appendage,
my nebulous heart.
Some say I luxuriated in this.
I concur,
and I also beg to differ.
Sacrosanct
She had nothing to offer him.
She saw herself from afar;
she experienced herself from within,
and she knew that he could not love this...
Thing.
A bare husk of a girl,
clutching
onto anything that would bring her
back
to living her life
instead of existing it.
Sacrosanct
He woke me up to myself.
Against my will and my reasoning,
he set my soul, my entire Being,
a b l a z e.
My lips remembered how to smile
and they gently whispered his name
into the receptive night sky,
sharing my unexpected fortune with
the myriad points
through which Thy Light shines through.
My eyes beamed ether and rose quartz
unto anyone who came under my catalytic and doe-eyed gaze.
I embodied Love.
His love? Thy love?
'Tis all but one, n'est-ce pas?
I discovered a heart, my heart.
Pulsating.
The fluttering wings of
an essential, core missing piece of my Being
that finally answered my call and made its way
As for he, I cannot say...
What part I played in this cosmic game,
Thou keepeth it hidden still.
T'was solely me who chose this
Awakening,
the unfurling of
my hedgehog heart.
T'was solely me who
needed to grow,
to devote,
to love in a manner that
begets description.
To love indiscriminately,
Infinitely.
I chose to experience the abandonment,
the rejection by a first love,
a mere mortal,
a humble creature
lovingly fashioned and chosen for me
by Thee,
so as to
Understand.
It is Thou who matters, not him.
Never him.
Never any of them.
But it is him I worshipped, not Thou.
He has no control over his faith in Thee,
nor over his next breath.
He could not force himself to feel
that which he did not,
just as I could not force myself to not feel
that which I did.
Thou nurtured me before any of this
existed.
How does one forget this simple truth?
Surely Thou hast forgiven me for this idolatry by now?
Sacrosanct
O carefully guarded heart o' mine,
It now wants to be seen.
It wants to shine His love
unselfishly, unguardedly,
expansively.
O Lover, love Thyself,
O Healer, heal Thyself.
Sacrosanct
Nothing is sacred anymore.
All that was
is now done and dusted,
irrelevant,
forever archived in the Mythology, Fantasy and
Harsh Learnings sections
of my personal Akashic records.
All evidence is deleted,
all fondness, attraction,
trust, hope and
connection...
Retracted.
Voided.
Dissolved.
Wisps.
Wisps of...
Wisps of...
Only wisps.
Did it even happen? I ask myself.
Why should it happen?
To someone like me?
A Nothing.
Untouchable.
Undesirable.
Unlovable.
"You chose to remain unknown.
You accused the world of making you unlovable,
Without removing the
barriers to love you had
erected within yourself.
He, a microcosm of the world,
reflected that which
you thought you were worth.
Your pain is perfect.
The words inscribed upon this page are perfect.
The lump in your throat,
perfect.
Your remorse, your forgiveness,
your Love,
Divine."
I shall curl underneath your e'er-reaching branches, o tree o' mine,
On some future day.
And perhaps dream of yet another beau,
ponder upon a life of little purpose,
envision pilgrimages to the cloistered tombs,
or gaze one again at the azure,
seeking Him without,
when He is only to be found within.
Dreaming,
pining, wistful,
obsessed,
killing off
bits of my Essence
for anything that is
out of reach.
For it is all without,
and not within.
For everything else that has the essence
of prosperity and lushness,
of Life.
Of normality,
of the comforting sense of the mundane.
To bring me back to myself to this earthly existence,
And leave alone those
Astral explorations
Of which I am only barely aware.
They say my loneliness is
a construct, or
the result of karmic leaking.
I concur,
and I also beg to differ.
I complain to Thee about my loneliness.
Allow me to merge with Thee,
so I can forget myself,
forget them.
I need to forget him.
Show me how to forget him!
Sanctify my tears.
I weep now,
only for Thee.
I tremble now,
for Thee alone.
My relationship with Thee
is sacrosanct.
Ah, Madame Ladybug flies away.
My heart feels the void
once more.
Once more, I am alone
with Thee
under this tree.
And then, gently, my loneliness dissipates.
Yet another illusion,
up in smoke.
For the one who has gained Thee,
what has she lost?
And for the one who has lost Thee,
what has she gained?
