Today, after such a long time, I felt my essence creep back within me, and expel itself outwards.
I have felt so tired for so long.
So very long.
It seems that the path of the mystic begins in utter forgetfulness, and repeats the same in this world of utter chaos and confusion.
I was sitting on the bus this morning, with the sunlight streaming through the dirty, unwashed windows. For the last few weeks, my senses have been heightened and I can't stand the sounds of other people talking in rough tones. Everywhere I find myself, I feel that the experience is burden to my soul. A necessary evil. The constraints are coming back to cloak me.
And in that sunlight, I saw the dust specks that float around in our environment. And there is something about not having any control over our environment that brings a soul to question their Creator: is this really what I came here for?
A long list of people's names and faces float in front of my eyes, teaching me that no matter how badly I desired connection, or the experience of romance or friendship, no amount of forcing things ever made it occur. And when I forced things, they ended up being pale and corrupted versions of what I originally wished to create.
On my way home, I took the bus I rarely take as I needed a different route "home", a different point of view, a different outcome. I need to wash myself off of the crap I have taken on during the day.
I got off the bus alongside a bunch of people who live in my neighbourhood, yet we lead entirely separate and secluded lives. I went in the direction that was not the same as theirs, into the long seeded grasses of the common.
I touched and kissed the buttercups, and breathed in the liquid green healing that was available to my really exhausted soul. My feet began to dance as they struck the dry, cracked earthened track...
And I remembered my time in Uzumlu, walking with an older gentleman who was like my grandfather, and who had recently departed from this plane.
They were walks that I took and he tired to help me in his own way, yet once we were back in London, my demons took over and I never once sent him a text or rang him.
And now he is forever gone, and all I have is an apology to his soul for not honouring the connection.
The sunlight is peeling my skin apart, and peeling apart the egoic structures.
I had opened my heart last week and allowed the initiation to take place, to trust in Love and in Sacred God Light and in God.
And now my heart is closed again... and I pray each day for it to open again.
The past is now most definitely the past, yet the sadness and the disappointment is still stuck in this foolish heart of mine, and so I eat sugar as though my life depended upon it.
Trust me to be my own worst enemy. And it is taking a lot of me to come to terms with what i have been doing with myself to ensure that I remain in a painful state.
Family have shown me that they can not be trusted to treat me with respect and true love as I somehow expected and anticipated from them.
What is a relief, and a mystery, is that the person I thought was my twin flame, my Manu, and the one I assumed I would always have strong and passionate feelings for, has gone entirely from my heart. It is disappointing from the point of view of my soul's development, as the aim to to love every single bit of Life as God, but from another point of view, having entirely neutral or no feelings at all is the biggest breakthrough. I can't even conjure up his face in my mind's eye any longer, nor his energy with mine as I lie to go to sleep.
It is as though he no longer exists at all now in my personal world.
I suppose that is the only way I can move on with my life, to thrive, to survive. Because, facing the ugly fact, he both made and broke me. A million times.
And as for the other two, there is not really much point in dragging on hopeless scenarios. Married men will remain happily married with children, and nothing I pray for or imagine or hope will manifest. They don't love me enough
... and there is a huge blessing in that.
I am slowly becoming an automaton in the workplace and I must find a solution and a way out.
It is severely disappointing to me that once again I will not complete a course and certification due to life and my ill health.
I've just gotten bored with everything that everyone has to say. Any harm that comes to me, and trust me it comes to me daily, is looked upon with a weariness and a studied avoidance. No matter how much I avoid being around people and cars, they find a way to interfere with my journey and almost run me over and kill me. Almost daily now. Just like I miss the bus to work daily.
I read something really precious in the book I have in front of me... "The Knowing Heart" by Kabir Helminski, and it talks about surrender and submission of one's will and taking everything as a true gift.
Every smite, difficulty, everything.
I feel that in my quest to find real teachings and teachers, I have still come up with cold air and the whispers of a sweet, masculine, American (but not Texan) voice on a freezing cold night driving back to Richmond Hill from Niagara Falls.
My mind had been upset and attacked for the preceding days, I had experienced two major panic attacks in someone else's use, and I had to somehow maintain my dignity amongst clueless relatives. it was tough.
"Well, may I be blunt?"
"Sure."
"The problem is that you haven't submitted fully to God. You keep talking in terms of I."
And I have had to view that uncomfortable truth straight in the eye. Every single day.
But, it takes time to get to that state, my dear majnoon brother. (Making you my brother will be a lot easier for my soul to bear than the original desire).
And you have been blessed with that state after all of your self discipline and dedication.
I have not done that for myself as yet, and so I am learning to move forward.
It is beautiful to be in the presence of someone with such a calming, loving energy flooding through their entire system. I didn't have to be speaking to him (and trust me, he didn't feel like talking to me most of the time). I just craved to be in the same auric field as his, and so I took all opportunities to do that, including staying up late into the night whilst they talked about kryptocurrency, and athiests and agnostics, and then I felt more grounded and safer. At "home". Embraced, and comforted.
At the time, I assumed it was him I was after, and for the last two years since we met, I assumed that would give my soul the peace it was seeking.
But we always mistake the vessel, the pottery, for the true authentic Source of energy.
God then breaks the pottery, makes it so very flawed and mean and avoidant, that He returns you back to the Source. God loves us too much to let us remain in delusion for that long. Especially if we are sincere in our seeking, and our in our light.
But what sincerity is, is different to each soul. Remember Moses and the shepherd, always. We each have been that Shepherd, and Moses, and Khidhr, and all of them. We are all One. We just need to remember.
But it takes experience and a certain level of growth to see Truth with clarity and immediacy. A lot of solitude and reflection - so that one doesn't begin hating the one we love, but seeing them as unable to love back in the same manner. It is not their role to appease any insecurities, but to unpick and unravel our tapestry of self deceit as to allow all the maggots to come to the surface, and gnaw the false sense of self into dust.
How vulnerable it feels to be thrown back to the ground again, to get up and look around and find oneself in the same position one was 8 long years ago. The same words reverberating in ones ears, the same fears making us have sleepless nights.
And yet...
Even those closer to God than you will disappoint. He went off on his journeys to visit spiritual friends, and never thought to take me. And I never had expectations, but I suppose the fact he said in the very end that it had been a possibility is what was so humbling, and so disappointing.
The God I have faith in doesn't play games, but human egos play those games.
Nonetheless, that conversation, alongwith the driving and the love, healed something that had been sucking my energy dry. It was another one of those awful entities, and trust me, I am so fed up of having to deal with them and remove them, and them coming back, and removing them yet again.
Whether I pick them up in these heaving cities of murkiness and energy leeching, or if I take them on from individuals when I empathise with them, it has not served me well. They attach to my throat, and i cannot express myself, they attach to my mind, and I think ugly thoughts.
I felt more like myself after the healing, It was very strong, and I was reeling with dizziness for a long time afterwards, but still stuck as a guest in someone else's Pakistani home, and therefore having to respond "normally" like others, instead of the lost, wandering, gypsy like soul that I house.
The one who could see me most was my mirror, and even he surprised me with his repressive and limited programming that he is still to question and address.
The masculine, Pakistani, Muslim programming that feels no qualms about two women being married to the same man AND sharing the same room. The programming that personalises historical and spiritual events, and thinks that prayers to remove blessings from the entire lineage of certain dark characters in Shi'a history is justified, and in the same breath prays for Palestine, Syria, and wants to heal the world.
The programming that somehow tells me to wear a headscarf, and that somehow that will aid me in my quest for liberation and a state of utter oneness with God.
Gender is truly a concept.
We came to make this damned planet into one whereby females are no longer harmed or controlled by masculine energy.
The wedding was probably the most normal human thing I have done in a long time. it would have been lovely, had it not also been such an empty experience for me. Just the wedding reception. A bunch of people in a room, waxed and painted and seated. No real introductions made, and I felt a bit nauseated and uncomfortable with having to make conversation with people who were not comfortable with my energy. I didn't know what to do with those encounters, and they left me feeling as though I had two left feet.
But that red velvet cake was good!
As was this kickass song I discovered at the mehendi
I know, the lyrics are demeaining, as is the really unimaginative video. I like the tune. It's good for Zumba workouts :p
And I come home from Canada with a buzz, only to find out that I was criticised behind my back by people who were sweet to my face - and about the most petty of matters. Showering for too long, and blatant lies about my not washing dishes enough - this is the extent that some people see me as. An unreliable dishwasher. Not as an invited, honoured guest in the house (alongside 13 other people), or a loved, treasured niece. If I ever felt like a second cousin, it was in that house.
At the end of it, once I process the hurt my ego feels, I will accept that we don't have to be likeable to the majority of people. And we will be lied to, and betrayed by people who will be the most loving people to others. Something in us triggers off that darkness.
When this happens often enough, and in my experience, it always has, it is better to be alone in this case.
Rule 6, 40 Rules of Love by Shems Tebrizi
Loneliness and solitude are two different things. When you are lonely, it is easy to delude yourself into believing that you are on the right path. Solitude is better for us, as it means being alone without feeling lonely. But eventually it is the best to find a person who will be your mirror. Remember only in another person’s heart can you truly see yourself and the presence of God within you.
And my mirrors have all gone off, becoming memories of the past.And I will no longer carry the past upon my shoulders like a huge burden.
It was what it was. I did what I did, they said what they said.
My delusions are continuously blown up in my face, until I surrender to Thee.
And not have any false beliefs or delusions about my fellow humans, and their capacity for unconditional love. We all are still clearing our muck.
It looks really ugly, and I'm going through the motions due to lack of any other choices at this time.
And yet, when the joy hits, I become One with Self and with Thee
