a little forward movement on the scale of evolution

We all come to a point in our lives whereby the things that would break our heart, do not. You can experience things and still keep that song in your heart.

This month has been really testing for me, mainly on the days I am at work in Mitcham and having to deal with the disturbed public there. Daily, I meet unaligned people, far removed from anything divine and spiritual, misunderstandings abound. I have had at least three women entirely waste precious hours of my life with their blatant lies and ****.

Unfortunately, my intuition either doesn't kick in or I am not listening to it. Had I known, I would have behaved differently. I'm so behind on my other work, it's like trying to hold onto a thousand strings.

Since I began fasting at work, I escape to the local park during lunch, so I can breathe and regain what little dignity I can. Thankfully, it has been sunny and dry in London in order for me to do this.

Today, I accidentally bumped into my friend in the supermarket. He's changed his working hours for the holy month, and so he finishes at 7:00pm. We both were tired from thirst and fasting, and he was stressed - sigh. I wonder if there will ever be a time of freedom and laughter and good stuff.

But I was happy to see him - it has been three months since we last saw each other.

And this time I could see that all of my airs and graces had been swiftly taken from me. Part of this was a result of spending time with my "Sufi" cousin when I was in Toronto, without the airs and graces I used to hold so dearly to myself. He can see thrugh most people, most of the time, most of the way. (Lol.)

I was myself, if a bit lost for the real words and topics due to fatigue.

I ended up getting him some Oreo chocolate, as that's really the only thing I knew he would actually like and eat - he refused to tell me what to get him for his iftaar. God, please bless my friend with the real light you blessed me and my cousin with.

But the desperation and clinging is long gone. If I don't see him, I am contented. This is a major achievement of my soul, which I am acknowledging publicly. I used to cry with real pain in my heart, and wish I could have him for myself. Funnily enough, two nights ago, the same toxic unhelpful regrets about how single I am at age 34, and how no one really wanted to be with me went through my energy field and I cried so much. There was pain in my heart and brain, and I had to place selenite on those areas to extract the pain. It was a much deeper level of healing and acceptance that was needed.

I just want my own husband, and my own happiness now. Without the rubbish that I take almost weekly from certain people I work with, the unhappy ones disconnected from themselves and addicted to alcohol, lying, complaining, and the rest of it.

I truly wonder if this will ever happen?

But then, other things have taken place as well. My dear Moshi died last Thursday - he was put down after being run over by a car. Moshi was my cousin's spoiled cat, but we all loved him SO very much.

I cried a lot for two days. Now I am okay with that.

I fell so ill over the weekend, that I was unable to leave my bed for most of it - such a frustrating, repetitive pattern. It really confounds me how to move forward with this.

My Rahaani teacher told me if I am not self healing, journeying to see my guide, or healing another person, then no wonder I am not highly intuitive and my world isn't going quite as I would like.

I just feel it gets too much to bear sometimes.

I hope you understand the depth of what I mean, and not see this as more complaining and ingratitude. Not that there's anything wrong with being in that state for a while.

I'm still missing the bus, and now they are almost empty buses in the morning. But having missed those buses, I have bumped into very attractive, handsome, well dressed and seemingly kind and benign desi men - who may or may not be single, and may or may not be my spiritual/romantic matches.

Let us see. At the very least, I make more of an effort when getting ready for work in the morning :)

Today was the 6th of the month of Ramadhan. I am technically in eitikaaf, and speaking to His creatures is a part of this eitikaaf. I have and am reflecting upon my core fears and my failings, mistakes, and negativities and asking for help to move beyond all of this.

According to my psychic, I still have to go through another month of utter bull until hopefully my life will be "for real" lighter and filled with Allah's grace.

But I notice I am using the pronoun "I" still.

Speaking of which, my two books arrived - The Degrees of the Soul and The Forty Rules of Love.

I'm going to inundate my energy with Light until I become it.

No other choice; the way of crap and delusion and destruction doesn't work.

a subtle truth, or two

You really cannot force things, and this is what I will learn. You can't force family to be family. Friends to be friends. Lovers to be lovers. Jobs to be jobs. Opportunities to become opportunities. Understanding. Spiritual advancement.

You cannot force them. You can release them to the winds, the beautiful, gentle, wise winds... as everyone and everything is free.

None of this is needed when you truly accept the Creator as your support, the earth as your mother, the sky as your father, the stars as your siblings, the grasses as your carpet, the animals as your friends.

I have been stuck in this limbo for two months, not much use to myself nor to others. It pains my heart when I am useless to others. And yet, I keep ensuring that I am.

The rivers cleanse me and then I feel better.

This eclipse is solely to release the impurities that we accumulated, even if we really think they are good.

We can open up to our kheera, and I wish for myself at least that I understand that what is good for the soul will usually NOT be good for my ego and my ego will feel fear and panic and kick up a fuss like a trapped tiger.

When the people who used to respect you, stop respecting you in the name of their own peace of mind, it is time to ask yourself why you have stopped respecting yourself. Why you still feel as though you are worth less than what is your birthright.

Understand that people are very psychic and pick up on your limiting beliefs and energies and respond to them mostly, unless they are more powerful than you are in spiritual purity, and can sidestep it and bring in much love.

People think I don't know. I went through a divorce 7 years ago and have only now felt as though I am at peace and ready to move forward. And I only allowed myself crumbs of a romance... the dredges that could be begrudgingly bestowed upon me.

But who cares if I understand, when I make a mistake, it blows up and hurts me more than the other person, because I felt compelled to say something helpful. It wasn't helpful.

Even when your soul is so strong, you can still insist with God to make life easier. You can. We don't need to finish off all our karma in one hit. Life is a blessing, being on earth is a huge blessing, so let us enjoy it and allow ourselves to see beyond our limited viewpoint of what we WANT.

There have been things in the past I saw clearly but I doubted myself and butchered it all because the others didn't see it, or made me doubt myself. And this is why I am no longer seeking to become a teacher, or a counsellor. It is not for me.

I have always wished to sing professionally, play musical instruments and dance. And all of these things were kept away from me in the name of God, modesty and "no one will marry you".

I remember being so obedient, I threw away my recorder into a hedge when I was 9 years old, because I felt I would otherwise NOT be pure and acceptable to God.

Interesting how this occurs. When people ask me what I really want to do, I can't tell them this is what I REALLY wish to do, because of fear of being ridiculed, judged.. and also, I feel how on earth can I do this, and isn't it too late and x y z...

Well, see, we all have dreams and desires that do not occur. We set it up for ourselves to LEARN and if we don't learn, then we repeat it in a louder tone.

I remember that Imam Ali (a.s.) has said, "I do not know what to thank you more for: the blessing and desired outcome that You bestowed upon me, or the desired thing You insisted on keeping away from me. In both cases, You have deeply honoured me." I have taken artistic license to paraphrase the words, and keeping the essence intact.

Just FYI.

As I told my probable twin flame, a real Sufi welcomes the thorns with as much enthusiasm as she does the rose, because they both are destined and from God. Everything that comes from God must be good, everything that has happened up until now has been good.

We have the means to improve upon it, for sure, with awareness and with humility and gentle kindness.


But it takes a truly advanced and proper gangsta soul to REALLY feel this in the gut, and the heart, and the cells, and the eyes, and the ears, and the throat, and everywhere else.

I certainly am not that pure yet, so I must refrain from telling this to others.

Even though I can see, and I DO see.

Because this sight causes much pain to self, I chose to shut it down. It isn't pure, yet. there are many filters still there, blocking the truth of the truth. There will be a way forward for us all. I will regain my eyesight fully at some point, because it is very much needed for many different things!

I know, same as anyone, that you don't need to believe in or know anything in order for it to still impact you. I didn't know about Venus retrograde when I met my twin flame seven years ago, yet we met right smack in the middle of a Venus retrograde and that is why things unfolded as they did.

Utter ****.

We both tried so hard to love each other and to connect, to meet, and nothing worked. All we did was fight, and I would question myself afterwards, but I love him! So why would I just get so angry and fearful around him? Why does he keep not wanting me, running off, then coming back? And then there were secrets and lies and untruths, that I was not aware of. Until I got so tired, I just told him to go away. And then I couldn't let go, and my entire self collapsed. I didn't get a qualification I had worked so hard towards getting, and friends just bore my woes because I couldn't bear them alone.

The point is, whatever happened was helped along by the stars and planets, so both he and I could wake up and open our eyes a little bit, for a little while. To see we needed to heal ourselves. To get over ourselves.

Sometimes this knowledge allows us to not judge ourselves and our lives so harshly, that something is wrong with us or God has it out for us. As the twin flame told me a year ago, God is not a little kid with a magnifying glass out to get you, you have to TRUST him!

At the time, I said to him, yes, I trusted God and my intuition, that's why I wrote to you and confided in you. Well, look what happened. You just razed any last hopes of some sort of connection to the ground.

And now, I know that I will just match my core essence energy (not my current human state, which is not coping well) with the people I wish to surround myself with. It may mean moving somewhere where those people actually ARE. I have to be ready and prepared to go out adventuring and trusting that there will be the earth and the ground there to hold me. I would have seriously considered studying in Iraq or Iran in the hawza, after seeing the positive effects cloistoring oneself in a seminary has had on my three male cousins, but it is not the place for me.

It is not the ideal place for a woman who will not wear the veil because someone said it makes her more modest and pious (even if it does, which is not the case for me. For me, I feel suffocated).

They have shifted so much in a year, I can just see the luminous light emanate from them effortlessly. They don't even wish to hide it. They are confident and comfortable and have faith and ideas and articulate them with power. I may have reservations about Islamic governments, but if you find the correct hawza/seminary to learn REAL mysticism, magic occurs.

I will find my home, I am sure.

And sometimes, people such as myself, will use this mystical and practical knowledge and make a noose out of it, happily place it around their necks, and pull the trigger as well. It happens a lot in many online communities. Because we forget that we still need to find real life schools and places of meeting where we can commune with God.

In my personal case, a 16/7 karma doesn't have to remain so. Who said so? My mind said so. Well, my mind needs a beach holiday!

Peace

Walk, just walk...

But where is this gathering?
- I don't know, my little angel
But do the others know?
- No, they don't know either
How can you go to a gathering without
knowing where it is?
- It suffices to walk, just walk.
Those who are invited will find the way
(from a Sufi story)