2020: the year we MUST end all damaging contracts

So, it has happened that three years down the line, after removing myself physically from a damaging cult that made itself look benign, and even created it's own web hyperlink called wwe, I was still very much under the curse and contracts of that person.

I can't say anything further (forbidden words and thoughts) without risking being sued for libel. All the experiences are spiritual and energetic, and cannot be proved.

But the people who have helped me, I trust their information.

And this is why we MUST end all our damaging contracts that we made to ourselves.

The contracts are made at different points:

1) at birth
2) at conception or before conception
3) in between lives
4) past lives
5) present lives, at a younger or older age
6) fall from grace
7) at the time the world was created

and many other points, since time is not linear.

What kind of life damaging vows do we make to ourselves?

I have a theory that as souls, we aren't hat intelligent about life on Earth. And if we don't learn from the foolishness of previous lives, we perpetuate the same suffering in the current and future lives.

Certain vows I still have in place:

1) I am strong enough to handle all the suffering and pain without any help (I am not)
2) I am strong to not have friends (real ones)
3) I will not have a romantic partner, and will constantly pine after people who don't care about me
4) I am codependent
5) Blocks to positive living, money, prosperity, career, aspirations
6) I will be abused by clueless people
7) I will be trapped and have to live in a place that is harmful to me (London)
8) I will delay my healing and not see

There are many others.

It is a huge, shocking revelation to really see my darkness, the complicated ways I have ensured myself a miserable experience. I allowed others to do the same, by giving away my power of discernment, to think... the codependency cords were too strong.

It began from my parents, and then friends, and then more friends, and then a false guru who pretended to be a genuine person and cared about my well being.

Even now, I find myself meeting people who are not right for me. Something in me does not notice the red flags or the inconsistencies. My empathy overrides all logic and understanding.

The younger versions in need of a safe environment and sane, awake people seem to project this onto people based on religion (I am of Muslim upbringing), ethnicity (Pakistanis - not the best thing to do - knowing Urdu doesn't make for a pure soul), mothering energy (nopes, this has proven to be very conditional - people already made their families and became mothers to give that love to their own offspring, not to me), fathering energy (same thing), brother, sister, grandmother (same thing), nationality (I have very few real friends who are living in London - something about London specifically - the western way).

Yesterday was a bad day for me. The loneliness was eating me up inside.

Why do I repel people and invite constant disappointments and betrayals?

And the answer came: subconsciously, I never have fully changed the belief that I am worthless, not deserving of the good things in life. Not deserving of love, loyalty, affection, real genuine love... not worth of receiving without the automatic reaction to give back straight away.

And this is why I have met the people I have met, and have made incorrect decisions.

This is why for 10 years, the NHS and all the GPs at the surgery I go to in Wimbledon have not cared for me and ensured I suffered and didn't get a disability care plan and the appropriate benefits. I felt like I was a scrounger.

Unfortunately, the power of David Cameron's toxic words became like a curse in my mind. Be very aware of the NLP techniques the Conservative Party representatives use to enure the population remains disempowered, starving, suffering, dying, homeless, whatever.

It hooks into our low self-esteem.

****

So I spent a good two hours (I wasn't able to concentrate) on Divine Healing Level 1, surfacing the limiting beliefs and key psychological conflicts.

I can reach my highest potential / I cannot reach my highest potential.

And this is another reason for the despair. Subconsciously, because I feel like an utter failure, I had this conflict.

And this is EXACTLY the reason why this year, in the NOW, we MUST end all damaging contracts we made to ourselves and others.

They are utter lies and they are harming us more each day we keep them under wraps, not even knowing we have them.

A lot of them are inherited in the womb, when we were being formed inside, as well.

A lot of the New Age stuff is suspect only because people found another thing to make into a commodity. Most of these people leave a sick feeling in my stomach. Now I know WHY.

Healing and connection to God and self should NEVER be a commodity.

I was paying £300 a month to this cult leader. She made each of us sign a legal contract, and persuaded us with gentle cooing words, and Tony Robbins style of making you feel like a fool for not doing so.

And she will never give it back to me.

And this is someone I loaned £1,000 for her house rent in the beginning. Only because I was too depressed to take a Divine Healing Course then which would probably have changed the entire trajectory of my life.

There was one weekend event, and I and two other participants vomited the entire day as a result of the dark energies that were being used in January 2016. I didn't call an ambulance, not a single person working for her called for ambulance, and she didn't allow me to call for one afterwards, she pretended it was "father healing". Oh, had I the aqal to know what was really going on.

Psychopathic and sociopathic behaviour comes with immense charm. Please, remember this.

But it is what it is.

For someone who was earning £800 a month, I have NO IDEA HOW I assumed that £300 a month was justified.

I'm slowly trying to reconcile and say that I paid for the house keeper she kept, so that innocent soul could pay her rent or electric bills.

___

I know you don't know me, and I have no medical or mental health qualifications.

The only thing I have is lived experience.

And, right now,that's all I have going for me.

I'm still alive. And one day, I will be formalising all of this to help others in a VERY real way.


____

Divine Creator,

We align fully with our higher selves and our inner wisdom.

We ask for deep, profound healing for (enter your name) with Grace and Power in the perfect time of NOW (and you can also add a specific date for 5 or 10 years earlier).

Show each of us exactly the correct and aligned healing pathway to clear all the lies, subconscious beliefs, programming, and blocks that no longer serve me/us.

Remove from us the pattern of being entirely financially and legally dependent on a corrupt governments.

Bring to light this year all the people who are deceiving traumatised humans by making spirituality a business for exploiting people and their money. It no longer serves any of us to remain in denial, blind to the realities, including that of viruses, fluoride, vaccines, pharmaceuticals, GMO foods, chem trails, child trafficking, and everything else on this immensely INSANE planet.

Make us aware of the implants in our brains, and the brainwashing. What the sheeple effect is.

Move us physically to the places which will truly serve the highest forms of healing.

Grant us genuine, loving, sane friends.

Grant us Grace after so much chaos.

Uncreate all the contracts, destroy them and replace with Light.

Ameen.

Water says, "How will you be made clean without me?"

Water says to the dirty, "Come here."
The dirty one says, "But I am so ashamed."
Water says, "How will you be made clean without me?"
Rumi, Mathnavi

~~~~~~~

You remove the thoughts that create a life form.

The energy comes back for a while, and you feel like your blood has become liquid gold for a while.

I have more energy.

Two days ago, with the precision of timing that only God has mastery over, and with my surrendering to my intuition, I met my soul mate whom I had not seen in 8 months due to his fears and blockages from his wife.

He apologised to me in very clear and detailed words. no running, no hiding behind a silent wall. I fell in love with him all over again (not that I had stopped). A perfect present... but there is nothing I can do. When someone gives away all of their power to their spouse, whereby she is checking his phone and emails, and doesn't allow you to experience the delicate nuances of human relationship. When he lacked the courage to text or call me in 8 months, and not really care how many nights I cried, or the pain that is still playing up every once in a while... well, then he isn't ready for me to be in his life.


As a friend.

I would never break up anyone's marriage or partnership (how egotistical is that thought? that someone else is the cause or source of my happiness or my peace), and this one obviously has been going very well for eleven years. They had their third child in September 2017.

I ain't that desperate for companionship (not any longer, that is).

I told him, "I know I deserve better."

This life teaches you that there are things that are more important than coupling. being okay with being alone, and being the main cause for this loneliness, for one.

The funny thing is I thought of him two days ago watching one of those YouTube videos about picking cards regarding exes. For him, the green crystals came up, as in he thought of me as a friend and was an angel in my life. All that is true.

But the love between us is so strong, I was surprised after 8 months, I still have exactly the same force of love and attraction and affection towards him. No change. As always, there was the electric charge that occurs whenever we are in the same vicinity, in the same room.

But I am thankfully not the same soul I was 8 months ago. Or rather, not the same human. I am forcing myself to surrender to whatever the reality is.

If I cast so many wicked, dark magic spells upon myself throughout the years and existences, it will take some time for them to wear off.

I had the witch-like entity removed exactly two weeks before. And, after 8 months after being so broken and in pain and hurt, and him ignoring me once when I was at the grocery store, we meet - with the precision of seconds. Had I left work earlier or had I been sidetracked with going to the second building to drop off leaflets for my colleague, I would have missed him. I left the leaflets because they were too heavy. And was angry at myself for not bringing them when it would have taken just two extra minutes to drop them off.

But those two minutes would have meant never meeting my Punjabi soulmate that evening.

He asked me to forgive him... he looked towards the skies in what seemed a gesture of awe and gratitude and said, "Well, it was meant to be that we met".

"I don't want you to think that I ever thought of you in less of a way. I don't want you to think that it was me who sent you that message.

"It wasn't you?"

"It was my wife."

I always am amazed how he keeps calling her his wife, instead of by name. I would always call them by their names. There must be some anger toward her on his part. He must feel the trappings, the energetic shackles and enslavement - he's really not that unintelligent or in denial (I would hope not.).

"You have no idea how many times I dialled your number and then cut off the call."

He alone has the right to break,
for he alone has the power to mend.
He that knows how to sew together
knows how to tear apart:
whatever He sells,
He buys something better in exchange.
He lays the house in ruins;
then in a moment He makes it more livable than before."

Rumi, Mathnavi, 1, 3882

"But I never received any call!"
"Yes, because I cut the call before dialling. I just had no idea what would happen if I did, and I couldn't take the risk. The guilt has been eating me up."


"Ab aisa lag raha hai ke thhora dil ka bojh kum ho gaya..."

Honestly? I couldn't write a script better than this - and he's not even for me. Well, my hair could have been prettier and breath fresher. Haha. Note for next time... except, again, had I stopped to freshen up at the office before leaving, I'd have missed him!

But maybe the script my soul is writing is the one of unconditional love. Not having anyone in your life, and forcing yourself to forgive his insecure wife, his own ego, and release the attachment. To spread your love to others, including some (there are many in London) arseholes that have crossed you.

If he had allowed me, I'd have given him a massive hug and a kiss. But Sukaina was not allowed to show her love and affection to him, as has always been the case. And so he drove off in his silver car, not even willing or able to offer me a lift to the bus stop.

The funny thing about him is I picked up on his beauty whilst walking past his car, and dared to look again - it was my soul that said, "look at this handsome guy. It is safe to look - to engage with life" - my default has been to ignore people and glaze my view. Something about those Muslim beards gets me into a hypnotic state. Thank goodness, he cut it back to regular size. There had been a phase whereby he was doing a some really weird things with that beard of his.

And then I recognised him.

He recognised me.

And I called out, "Can you talk to me?"

He said "I can, now."

And the best thing about him is there is almost no drama. None at all. Comfortable like an old pair of sneakers. Like a fleece blanket. Like my neighbour's cats.  Like a cup of cocoa with marshamllows and cream.

His is a soul I could hug forever. The kind of feeling I want to feel when I finally meet my own life partner. Just warm and fuzzy. Instant trust and faith. God energy.

The refined, perfect merging of the divine feminine and sacred masculine.

For 8 months, my belief has been he just doesn't care. And it is correct - one has to be really distracted and in fear to not clear up any misunderstandings.

A simple text or phone call would be all that it took. But he hasn't gotten to that level as yet.

And on the night of the solar eclipse, he showed me just how MUCH he loves and cares for me. I can never doubt it again. But, again, there was a heat of mutual love and care, of respect and of compassion, and none of the crap that I was feeling before: no anger, no hatred, no desire to get in the last word. I just spoke too quickly again.

It's the kind of friendship we both would grow from and find immense freedom in. And fun. But, as it stands... he closed off at the end, probably feeling guilty about his wife. Honestly, what is it with us humans and operating our beautiful, free existences based on the core trappings of guilt and fear?

I did tell him, "You need to have courage. Aise rishtey bohot kam milte hain. If anything changes, give me a call. Or text."

All he said was, "I'll see you around, maybe." He stiffened up, went back to reality.

I do NOT envy him, in spite of the fact he has a loving wife and three beautiful children, and an active social life, and loving family.

Since this isn't quite working in my favour, more entities are in need of removal, more curses. We both were standing out in the cold on the pavement for half an hour, rather than in a nice cosy coffee shop or restaurant. I didn't even think of asking to sit in the car to talk, and even if I had, I wouldn't have asked. He would have gotten the wrong idea of what my intentions are.

I just hope he chooses me as his spouse or girlfriend the next time we both incarnate together. What the **** is the point of incarnating with all of these beautiful soulmates, meeting them online or in the flesh, and NOT ****ing ending up with any of them? Hello?

This is so difficult for me. We were both here when we were teenagers but I never met him then, did I? I always, ALWAYS, find them AFTER they have already married the women they are meant to be with. It was the curse I put upon myself at age 13. The ridiculous Jane Austen curse.

And I accept that I made such a horrible thing happen to me. I wanted to experience this level of indescribable pain, I guess.

However, after feeling like there was something fundamentally wrong with me that no man I loved loves me back, and each of them have hurt me, Allah graced me with the clear sign that He can make things happen with such precise engineering, I still can't believe it. I've still been going to the grocery store, but never seeing him and have become so okay with it, I don't even look for him.

Allah also is reminding me that, contrary to how my family feel about me, how certain female friends feel, and contrary to every shitty thought I have had about myself and my life, he loves me. No question.

Such a sweet, kind, soft man. So soft and stable and loving, I melt into his energy and never want to leave (unless he's acting upon his ego, which is infuriating).

May I find one with all of their good qualities who had true courage and spiritual fire, such that he knows straight away that we are connected and is willing to sacrifice for the union.

Or else, give me two healthy cats to have as my children!

(Ideally both, but as they say, "laazim nahin hai ke dunya ke saari khushiyan kamaa le tu...").

And then, today, I lost all energy and vitality, I've been lying in bed all day "sick". I hope I didn't create a sadness and frustration entity that's sucking me dry.

Oh, this spiritual path!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm reading a few Sufi books I finally got after my friend got mad at me for not reading from the masters and going to hacks and charlatans for healings and knowledge.

The Knowing Heart and Living Presence, both by Kabir Helminski who has a soft, fluid way with words.

And a book by Chishti about Sufi healing...title to be added when I find the book somewhere in my room.

Starting with what is familiar and warm, what I know... my soul isn't as old as I wanted it to be, and I am now accepting of all of that.

I still mess up in social situations, and still don't have control over my own life... the small things, the larger things.

Experiencing such extreme fatigue and a buzzing that won't let me sleep or meditate or pray. Or do anything I need to do.

All is as it is.

it still hurts like anything...

All of this is making me choose differently than before.

It still hurts like anything, but I don't let it stick for as long. I can't. Life is way too short for all the bs to remain in our auric fields. Clear and cleanse it out. The people who are our closest blood family, are clear tests and are only blood family in this lifetime. We have incarnated so many times with different souls, that to remain attached to the opinion or behaviours of those just in this lifetime can seem a little silly sometimes.


Koi baat nahi...
Let it go...

And maybe we will find peace and wholeness within.


It's never personal. The Universe can be as impersonal as anything, whilst also claiming to love us more than 70 mothers. A cheeky question would be: what is the caliber of those mothers? Were we the unwanted children? The unwanted females or males? The one with special needs?


And there are those who have submitted themselves so much to their purity of soul, to the divineness of God, that the healing flows through their veins and they just tell me, you will feel better in 30 minutes. And I didn't even ask you for help, yet you give it to me so willingly, it makes me weep with this peculiar feeling of love, intimacy, gratitude and awe.


Your eyes are so familiar to me, as is your soul. Yet, why do i still not mimic your generosity, your power, your strength?


I still sit here, on the trampled earth, fumbling about with broken earthen toys, discarded and abused.
The angels hold up such pure crystals of such healing and power, yet I still do not see them.
Undoubtedly, this is a confusing time. All of the times have been confusing.


Your life. Your beingness. Your friends. All are different than before.


When you are no longer liked, it doesn't mean you are no longer worthy. It just means that, things changed.


Sometimes the mirror is accurate, sometimes the mirror is not accurate and with that is God's whisper to trust yourself and know that even when others only see your darkness, you can focus on the light.
We go through a lot to prove ourselves to be who we think we are. People call us up on things and then do exactly the same thing 6 months later.

And , we do it too...


That purity that I crave
Is a rarity that I desire
Is a cavity I seek to fill
Is a sadness that engulfs and overtakes
Is a confusion that cripples
Is a life that is eager to end itself
And start anew
Simple and clear
Without any mistakes
That became chains upon my neck
And lead inside my heart


Blessed are those who Love because they Love and know that existence was based upon Love.
Blessed are those going through the Darkness and the fatigue and the flu and the entire demolition of the ego constructs.
Old souls also need it. Because they forget as well as us younger souls.
We all are love and we all are doing the best we can each day.


Each day is different.


The knots in the stomach will go. They cannot stay. The doubts will go, the fear will evaporate. The people you feared would go, have left again.

You are alone.

What do you do now? Where do you create from nothing?

I listened to a song after a very long time today. It is a magical song. Kun fayakun. Be, and it is.




I have lost all the good bits about myself, along with the nasty bits. Some of the nasty bits are still there.

But the joyous girl who sticks her tongue out impishly has disappeared. It is alright. But the sceptre that took her place is heavy.

May the light fall upon you all the time, even when you don't notice it. May you bring your light out of you and create more light as a result. May your helpers find you swiftly. May you see from the lens of the other when in communion with them. May you finish all of your tasks with excellence. May you travel to where your soul finds healing and love and support and joy. may you live there, as well.

May this life business become easier. Make more sense. For us all.

Forgiveness Is Almost Complete

No matter how many people's worlds fall apart in front of your eyes
And no matter how many people tell you they are afraid
Always know they are being helped
And take a few steps back, pause, ask if you are needed.

If you are still plugging holes in your own void, there is no way in hell your energy will help them.
Your words will fall flat and it will seem that both of you wasted a lot of time.

But even when you make those mistakes that harm your soul, if somehow your care and love relieved their burden for a few minutes. then it was God's appointment. There was no one else at the time, so you were chosen.

But always give them their burdens back. Or give the burdens to God.

Do not carry with them into your heart, so that you lose your sleep.
Most of us know this by now, there is just one person this is an instruction to...
The best instruction is that done in silence and in remembrance of the dust that is the humble vessel of the magnificent Soul....
There are lessons in speaking our truths - for each and every one of us.
There are lessons in forgetting the truths we once knew - for each of us.

For me, this avatar known as Sukaina, I have to make peace with learning and understanding in my core that I died when I was 18 and was not given a manual to activate. At 33, I still do not have that manual due to my state being similar for the last ten years.

We die every night. We must intend to die every night. For if we don't, we carry the residue of our meagre selves with us. We remember things we were better off forgetting.
We maintain attachments out of fear and lack of understanding.
There is great freedom in dying to ourselves every night, every day, every breath....
We were not created nor were we incarnated to remain imprisoned.

Not in this era.

It is so difficult and yet, when you die with every breath, you surrender that part of you that has obscured Your Light from You.

Your eyes see better, your breast doesn't have the urge to hold convictions and defend them to the death.

Other people's happy endings mean more to you than your own. When another's successes are as satisfying to you as your own, you know you have succeeded a little more in dissolving.

You look at the state of your own existence, to every single obstacle and failing and say, "Praise be to the Creator Who has ensured that I face such obstacles."
 
You die. You do die. It is just a matter of when and how.

There are parts that continue to fight.
There are parts that are still feeling the void.
Within everything, there is such a sweet lesson that it breaks my heart and tears fall upon the cheeks in silence.

So much ugliness and beauty. So much separation and connection.

One day I feel as though all odds are against me
Another day, people are being catalysed once again beyond my intentions.
There truly is only power when the divine is allowed to take over.
And when there is stuckness, that has to be accepted as another form of spiritual training.
At some point, balance will be maintained forever.


But the soul must be allowed to express itself, within the sacred boundaries. To refuse any soul their expression is to deny them their grace. Even when it is something you would rather not hear.
Walk away, bow your head - the words will miss you.

For only the souls who are still in separation are aware of it. If you feel that the sacred soul in front of you is somehow in need of poking and prodding, make sure you double check the soul contract first.

For none of us are truly free from the mistakes of correcting another. It is such an old pattern that the helpers within us carry.

Sight is granted organically, hearing is too.

We can only share our own experiences, all of which can never truly be experienced by anyone other than us. Just ask for light and for relief. It is granted. It is always granted.

Even when you asked for a challenging life.

Nothing is static and all existences are now.
Tap into the ease and the self love and empowerment.
The body, the mind, the money issues will all heal.

You may need to allow your heart to grieve again, though. That was a divine bond that was interfered with and then ruthlessly cut away.
 

Forgiveness is almost complete, but not entirely.

- Sukaina Juma
1/11/2016

ripping her to shreds

I really wanted to write something.

But I am also extremely tired. So perhaps tomorrow.

He ripped me to shreds yesterday. Either Mercury went direct and that's why, or Mercury was still in retrograde and that's why.

He's stuck and doesn't want to grow as a soul and that's why communication between us has always been stalled, stilted, hard. Just like with the other boy.

I'm so done with this. Half the stuff he told me, he does himself and doesn't realise it. What's so agonising is the fact that we're stuck in this stupid canteen talking when there are always other people about. Privacy goes out the window.

What a shambles. I'm not inclined to write a poem about him. I finally gave him his birthday present because I was on a high with the frequencies.

I just found (when you need it) a solfeggio frequency for connection and relating so I'm listening to that one. For myself.

Yesterday felt like I had such a sucky interaction with him. You can't get past the masculine bravado and I had tried in the beginning and he was holding me hostage to that version of myself. I mean, once again, as much as I try to be 100% myself, there is an energetic restriction coming from this relationship. As much as we can have similar tastes in things, and a similar view, it's just.... bs.

And it's taken me so long to feel all the pain of this.

Back in April 2015 when i went for my first crystal healing with Sacha, she had mentioned a murky green energy around my crown as a soulmate energy. Green usually means healing, and in the end it is good, but it's also murky. And I knew it was him.

Harshness. An invisible wall.

He's the same soulmate energy, but if Immy was the first version, Nav is the 2.0 version. I can't get through. I'm not meant to get through. And I'm "too much" for him only because his behaviour and energy kicks me off. Triggers me off. I said as much on Monday, and he immediately said: so I'm a pistol then. Fuck. Always distracting from serious and intensity. I hate that. Sometimes a person can be too witty and just not grow up. Over confident. Know it all. And not let me be who I am.

To be honest, until I fell out of love with him last night, I was probably still that person. The person who wanted to merge and be with him.

You can't reverse being loving, especially when you don't want to.

There has been a montage of all my life events flashing in front of my eyes.

He will never see that. He will never have the experience of seeing me at my worst.

So to criticise me for my introverted behaviour is just wrong. To not seek to understand and to pretend you're giving constructive feedback is wrong. This is one thing I really dislike about him.

Thank you, Allah. I have been praying for the last three weeks for You to make me fall out of love with him.

Yesterday's so-called conversation killed it for me.

He did say that I am a unique person and he's never met anyone like me. That's a first. And that it was a compliment.

All my mind said was: huh, well, you haven't been meeting the right people then, have you?

Repeated scenarios of a man whom I love with my big heart and him not listening, not understanding, energy closed. I showed him my soul plan that day because I was buzzing with energy and wanted to share that part of my beliefs with him and all he said: well, to me, all this looks like voodoo mumbo jumbo.

And I finally said to God: enough with the false flags and enough with the false falling in love with people I'm not really in love with or meant to be with.

So many crap relationships: Immy, Ay, the customer guy, Nav... and the Somali colleague who keeps ignoring me, and giving me the creeps when he stares at me intently, and the Bangladeshi guy who's 18. I make him nervous. Poor thing. They try to impress me by being "cool", which ends up them being in an inexplicable dysfunctional male mode - which is such a turn off for someone like me.

On Monday, I really SAW how unbelievably harsh he can be when he's in his ego. Just like I can be, and I became so because he ignited this anger inside of me. Because he kept all of this secret for 16 months instead of telling me right at the time of my "crime" that "hey, you're asking me too many questions, please don't."

He isn't shy. He doesn't have qualms of speaking up for himself or disagreeing.

I told him, "you didn't tell me because it wasn't important enough to you to give me feedback to as a friend."

That's what has pissed me off. Why can't you just tell me? Do I come across as that unreasonable?

Just like how my father is. Split. Generous and kind on the one hand, then flips. Keeps it all inside. Why? Then vomits it all out in one go, without any compassion at all.

And then when I do it, since he seems to be able to take it, he says I don't beat around the bush. That I'm very to the point.

As if that's a bad thing. Like, how much time does he think we have to faff around, to waffle around? Scorpio and Aries are both direct.

Part of me was like: what, so you want me to be duplicitous like you, Mr Gemini? Or take ages to make a point? We all have different talents, yet for some reason this didn't seem to be understood by him. I can't fault him, like my ego would like to.

In 2010, ripped Immy to pieces and then God not only took him away from me, but God took away my sanity so many times to make sure I never repeat that mistake with any of his creatures again.

I still do, but it is repressed. My judgements are still there, and they attack my sanity.

With Nav, it's just not worth the pain and energy. He's just another guy.  Because Immy was the first, it pained me a hundred times more. We also have a very intense and stubborn karmic lock.

The difference this time is that, alhamdulillah, Nav is just another extremely stubborn guy with only half of the awareness he would need to be in a real relationship with me. Not that he wants to be with me. He has NEVER felt like that. EVER.

And, ha ha, that's kind of important in any relationship. The other soul actually has to be willing to engage.

Nav is just the second guy I actually could speak to on my level, then I found myself dragging myself down again. The environment of the supermarket is such a seductress. I dumbed myself so much and to extricate myself from this mess is taking long. Just because my ego is greedy for the annual bonus that we will get inshallah on 26th February.

Whoever said that Gemini and Aries suns would get along was a liar. And that he has a Moon in Scorpio is funny. He can't see it. And I like a fool tried to teach him. Fool again.

Not just with him, with J, Faiz, Ay... all of them.

I think now the fairytales are being ripped apart, I know that this is real life. Most of them don't care, and most of them will never activate their soul plan in the way mine was. They will do it organically, just by being human. God has given each of them a lot more energy than I currently have.

That's what happens when you're recovering from another bout of depression. You lose contact with the real world. And make an utter fool of yourself. Because of my fascination with the occult and energy and higher realms, I lose my sight of the man standing in front of me. I see his soul, not how he currently sees himself.

Shimmering souls. But then, my viewpoint changes and, all of a sudden, I no longer see them as souls. And I see their human selves and judge.

This really needs to be balanced out now. I'm a grown up soul now. Please, Allah. Please.

Give me someone who doesn't need to give a running commentary about every single happening, whose eyes stay locked into mine when we are speaking, instead of flitting about to someone else just because he is a Gemini. So annoying.

And then not having the guts to continue a conversation, to be kind and hold the space for my anger and frustration and grief... I still didn't tell him how much I've cried, because he won't allow me that freedom and that truth.

So he deflects to another colleague spends 15 minutes chatting about stupid football and then walks off without saying goodbye. That is rude and it is not cricket.

Not for me.

He was hurt that I said it feels he is always making fun of me. He wanted to clear up the miscommunication, but then lacked the courage and it was too intense for him. Fair enough. I like pain, I guess. After he left, I wrote a bit and waited until I could feel the hurt and pain beneath the anger and then I cried for 15 minutes. I'd have cried more, but the awakening processing was so strong I am still quite dehydrated.

I know I deserve a real relationship. Or no more false flags - whereby my imagination doesn't create romance when it's just an intense learning process with a masculine energy. At least I am learning not to take it personally. It's just being humans with one another. And one of us remembering finally, and the other still in amnesia. Well, more in the dark than I am.

I guess this is why I had to wait for so long before telling him I loved him. Because I would not have been strong enough to handle his shit earlier; You saw how I was with going to Turkey and going to Egypt. I was still so fragile and I needed love and affection from him.

I actually needed it.

And now, I know better than to flirt with men find I love and am attracted to. Or rather, there must be someone who won't mind, and will actually get turned on by my flirting method. And who won't make me feel very unsafe and nauseated like men make me feel.

I had written "all for the greater good of learning to keep your mouth shut."

But that's not the point. I will choose differently, make a different decision.

I know who I am. I am the me I want myself to be. Those versions of J Lo, of Christian Aguilera, the versions of women being real women. Empowered and also feminine and also masculine.

The author, the one who writes truth in a wry, witty way. The one who also speaks with authenticity and courage. The one who does Latin dance and anything she bloody wants to. The one who earns money and travels and loves fiercely and is given room to be herself. Free to be proudly bisexual and a sexual being, even if she's all theory and still no action quite as yet.

And if Nav can't handle it, I will divert my truth to myself. And to those who are conscious. He's on the brink of consciousness, he's actually more like U now I think of it. And I was ten times more a moron and shy and weird with U. God knows how he put up with me. But then that was fake, too.

And I've just realised if my Moon in Scorpio and Scorpio ascendant has such a Marmite effect on people and attracts men like bees, then Nav also has that same magnetic charisma...  his Moon is in Scorpio too. So I couldn't help it, in that sense it's not personal. I'm not the first victim. That's why he gets fed up with me. And also why I couldn't help myself.

Enough of this bs.

Energetic prisons. All my relationships with men fell like energetic prisons.

All stemming back to my relationship with nana, my dad and my mother.

He hated all the questions I had asked him in the beginning. He actually didn't like the forthright way I flirted with him. I had said, you can't help yourself. I couldn't. It was same with Immy. I couldn't help it. It was automatic. When I want something, I want something and why would I hide my love and desires? Makes no sense.

I told him, look, there was a good reason behind my asking the questions. And trust me, I won't be asking any more questions.

And I won't. We only have a month left with each other. Only see each other once or twice a week. Always start with fakeness, hello, how are you? Or Miss Juma.... he tries so hard to be suave and intelligent, the git. Can't see his own rawness, and his own rough edges... the Scorpio parts, and then when I'm encouraging him to be more real just with my own behaviour, he can't take his own shadow. Well, tough shit.

We were never compatible. God just likes me to be furiously in love and attracted to men I can never be with. Never able to be with them, distant. Karma.

Whether or not the vision I had about WW2 was accurate or not, I must have just been so cruel. To feel this pain in my heart, and to continue to shed these tears and be this frustrated.

It hurt my heart. Physical burning that only stopped when I distracted myself with Zumba earlier today.

Don't fool yourself any longer, Sukaynah.

You'll be leaving in a month and have nothing to show for it.

Well, not nothing. A generic souvenir from Dubai which you'll probably keep until you get annoyed because it's such a generic crappy gift and give it away.

The thing about life is that it really is as stupid as it sounds sometimes.

I got nothing except a few memories and some suffering and hurt. Took me 16 months to tell him because I was scared and the circumstances dictated there was nothing I could do. So I just got frustrated, and I over ate and got depressed and stressed. Giving him puppy dog eyes every time I saw him and him giving me his manic smile, the smile he gives everyone.

And he really could care less as a man.

It's really saddening for my heart, especially when he called me overemotional.

It was Immy all over again.

I don't like it and I deserve someone who can allow me to see him and him to see me.

For some reason, after Zumba today, I became flirty with a much older guy working at Hammersmith on the TfL. I was relaxed and felt more safe inside of myself.

I ask for my childlike innocence back, and the confidence I had. Please. It's mine after all.

At least, one thing I will grant is that he had been ignoring me all those times because my mood was off and so he didn't want to talk to me out of fear of what I'd say.

I acknowledge that people can get scared of me. Especially since they don't understand my love for them would change my behaviour. There is so much affection for him in my heart, yet he blocks it and just can't FEEL it. It's funny. And it's how I've been most of my life.

Behaviour and moods are not static, especially for a light worker. But he won't get that. Perhaps never.

Thank you, father energy.

Fucking hate it.

Makes you doubt the femininity in you as something valid. When in that environment, my me-ness goes out. The divinity, or my truth is diluted, and I believe in his reality.

Pakistani male programming and too much intellect and not enough gut or heart.

We delude ourselves, then we ask to be woken up.

And we lose the people we love the most. Again.

I've booked a counselling session at the Wimbledon Guild because I recognise the familiar signs of going under. I'm not saying I am weak, I'm saying I fall hard and I don't want to be contemplating walking in front of a car on a road like I did three weeks ago.

S had made a joke on the last day of the soul spa when I was trying so hard to become a psychic.

A couldn't read the energy of my small book and it was partly my fault because I was being smart and gave a book I'd hardly used instead of something with more of my energy on it. Scorpio, lol. Not playing the game or making things easier for the poor person.

So took him ages to figure it was me.

And she made a joke: if you can figure out her complicated energy, you're good. You'll now be able to figure anyone else out.

It's just that my 12th house also has Scorpio in it.

Even I can't figure myself out.

So stop trying. I stopped ages ago.

I will go feed some Syrian babies now, or help some kids on ChildLine. Or actually look for a job in London. Or Bristol or Bath or Bournemouth. Or Southampton.

And take a long bubble bath with salt. Body still is smashed after the Awakening on Saturday.

Can't be bothered with this shit any longer.

I had told him "there's so much stuff I have experienced, I can't even explain it."

He asked, "is it all that you've told me that I know or something else?"

So I said, "Some is what I've told you and some is what I haven't. I can't even tell you half the stuff I know, because you wouldn't understand, you're not ready for that information."

It's like something happens, you change your world view and are like, wow, I never imagined that was possible, and it is.

You know you can't really be intimate with someone you can't share your world with. Who doesn't really care either way.

And who will never want to share his world with you.

Next!

*** Edited on Wednesday morning so its much more coherent ***

she is the one whom he could not love

She creates such beautiful pictures in her head.
The world and all its timelines are malleable in her hands,
just like the gooey substance that clay is made of.

She enjoys playing in the mud,
making a mess of something when, if she chose,
she could stand up and walk away.

Or could she?

She had really wanted him.

She had really, really wanted him.

Of all the things that confused her, the way he made her feel safe and gave her comfort confused her the most. Just by thinking of him, just by growling his name in her throat, she called him to her. He would be there besides her, comforting her, nurturing her heart and body in a way she couldn't do for herself.

He had had good intentions. He used fancy ways to express himself just to woo her. Just to make an impression on her bloodstained soul.

"I like you just as you are, little one. I am not going anywhere. If we have a connection, why are you hiding from me? Why are you rejecting me over and over again? Why won't you let me love you?"

Her heart responded, even though her lips could not, " You don't know how to love yet, my boy. You think you do, but you only love yourself, and even that... not fully. You pick and choose whom you love, when you love, and how you love. Is that what you wish me to settle for?

You said I am one of the few people you can tolerate.

Tolerance? Is that what I ask from you? Tolerance? Is that all you can give me?

I fucking love you, boy. Can you not feel it in your veins, in your pores, in every breath you take?

Does my voice not haunt your dreams the way yours does mine?

I. Fucking. Love. You.

It fucking scares the hell out of me that I can love you with such a deepness, with such a desperation, with such a falling and lack of control.

I feel guilty as hell for not letting you love me, be near me, touch my cheek, the small of my back, the beating of my heart, I can't even let you hold my hand. I want you to slowly rub the insides of my thighs until I orgasm my wetness all over your hands: your silky soft, dangerously attractive hands.

Have you seen how beautiful your hands are? Have you really seen yourself? The moment I saw them, I wanted to hold them, to feel them stroke me all over, until I vibrated and meshed inside of you.

Do you know how gorgeous your eyes are?

They are molten, alluring like a gazelle's.

You are soft inside. So soft, so vulnerable. I saw you, I wanted to take you in my arms and just hold you until you stopped hurting so much. That's all.

And all you have shown me is facade, bravado... and I can't break through to you. And, in spite, I choose not to let you come near me. Because... you will HURT me and I am done with hurting you."

He left. Because she loved him. He actually left the moment she told him she loved him. It was puzzling, it was interesting. She thought the boy she fell in love with would be immune to the cliche of giving up the chase. She thought it was a spiritual union.

She thinks too much.

An interesting exercise.

The dusk falls upon the town she lives in. She is tired.

Why did she think of him today? Because she did something she did a year ago.

A year ago he married his soul mate, the right one. She tried to rise above it and understand that he did not want to be with her. It was too much for her to keep inside, though.

Because it was her fault. She drove him away. There was something inherent in her that he did not like, for which he could not open his heart and love her with the soft tenderness she felt for him.

And so she bled. She made herself bleed and experience a searing pain.

"He can love someone else, commit to her, marry her, make love to her repeatedly, penetrate her body, buy her groceries, they will soon have a boy who will look exactly like him... so why not me? Why was he not the patient man he told me he was? Why did he not wait for me to grow open?"

She remembered him today. Just in passing.

We do not control the thoughts we think. They just enter our minds, then leave if we allow them to. We are in a big cosmic soup, a melange of energies and intentions and barriers and experiences.

He liked to play football and cricket. Those facts somehow aroused her at the time.

Sleep is vital for the undead.
Their pallid souls revive with sleep.
Their aching heads heal,
as archangel Raphael weaves his green threads
through the night.

Healing the girl who still aches for him sometimes.

She is the one whom he could not love.

An unfathomable silence permeates.

The veils are many, the barriers interject.
Rather than focussing on all of them, she sticks like glue to the one thing she can think of.
She cannot see.

When they do meet, he will be safe from her and she from him.
Neither of them will speak;
it will be clear and manifest in luminous writing.

Tolerance and safety cannot be a foundation for a relationship.

Let it go. Do not listen to the mind which says you are Lady Macbeth. Barren and bloodied.

It is only as true as you wish it to be.
Mercy and grace are forces which come through your sleep.
He is kinder than you give Him credit for.

She bows her head down in submission to the Lord of the Worlds.
She may be far from Him,
but that does not mean that she is damned for eternity.

Two things can happen:
both are acceptable once she truly surrenders.
Awareness comes first, though, my dear.

~ Sukaina Juma
9th March 2013

Songs Of Innocence and Of Experience

Songs of Innocence and of Experience
by Sukaina Juma
13 April 2012


Introduction (William Blake)

Hear the voice of the Bard!
Who Present, Past, & Future sees;
Whose ears have heard
The Holy Word
That walk'd among the ancient trees,
Calling the lapsed Soul,
And weeping in the evening dew;
That might controll
The starry pole,
And fallen, fallen light renew!
"O Earth, O Earth, return!
Arise from out the dewy grass;
Night is worn,
And the morn
Rises from the slumberous mass.
"Turn away no more;
Why wilt thou turn away?
The starry floor,
The wat'ry shore,
Is giv'n thee till the break of day.''

 

***

"Writing is my passion. But..."

"... but you haven't found a way to earn money from it. Whenever you feel inspired to write, just write. Don't worry about the fact you should, logically, be doing something more practical, like looking for jobs."

***

Day and Night

The television flickers shut. I lay my weary body onto the bare floor. Stare out into the dusk. You know you're in trouble when you switch on the telly and watch Coronation Street, then switch over and start watching Eastenders.

Another day, another night.

The twenty-eighth year ends. I know within my heart that... at least I am not where I used to be. I hang onto that thought.

I have some of that clarity back, although I know it keeps leaving me for long, inexplicable periods of time.

Why would you do that, God?

***

Don't Leave Home

Tonight, this feels as though it is her home. It used to be her home. It isn't any longer. Neither is anywhere else...

The memories have been melted and chased away... the little six year old girl no longer peers at her, trembling, from underneath the sofa. She is around... not yet completely at peace.

She still lives within her, staining the wallpaper with her handprints.

She hides when he comes home. She waits until he leaves before she leaves her bedroom. Different country, same survival strategy.

Yet, this is where she chooses to stay. Year in, year out.

London used to haunt her dreams. She would walk the streets in the snow. Walk aimlessly down roads and pass many terraced houses.

Sometimes the sun would shine upon the tree-lined avenues. She was possibly walking alone. Except when she was not. Her soul did this. Granting her hope that, in spite of all, she would return, the prodigal daughter.

And she walked the same streets when physically here. Parts of St. John's Wood reminded her of having been there before, as did the tiny passages along the Embankment and Victoria.

She walked past a place from her dreams, it ended up being the road on the other side of her old primary school.

"Oh!" she exclaimed. And that was it. No epiphanies. Just a simple, "Yes, I dreamt of this" and the mystique was no more.

***

She walked the streets today. She walked twice the length of the Common. She passed the house of her second mother from when she was three, entrance now only by invitation.

Self invitation.

She could no longer stand the solitude and asked for shelter. She silently blessed them and asked for guidance as to how to live a "functional" family life the way they did.

The alien needs to be retaught, retrained into the ways of the world.

Her warrior planet, Mars, had retreated for a few months.

Artemis had lost her footing. Her arrows missed their marks, piercing and wounding those she was charged to protect.

She cannot feel her fingertips.

Lips are still parched.

The pavements are just pavements. Not hers, never hers. But at least she stands tall on them now.

They still do not make way for her. It must be her impregnable invisibility cloak.

***

London (William Blake)

I wander thro' each charter'd street,

Near where the charter'd Thames does flow,

And mark in every face I meet

Marks of weakness, marks of woe.

In every cry of every Man,

In every Infant's cry of fear,

In every voice, in every ban,

The mind-forg'd manacles I hear.

How the Chimney-sweepers cry

Every black'ning Church appalls;

And the hapless Soldier's sigh

Runs in blood down Palace walls.

But most thro' midnight streets I hear

How the youthful Harlot's curse

Blasts the new born Infant's tear,

And blights with plagues the Marriage hearse.

***

Wake Me Up Before You Go Go

They tell her she is safe, loved, protected.

They look with harsh eyes, not really human and say,

"You need to wake up! Wake up! You've lived your entire life disassociated, you can change it. It need not continue that way... you are avoiding living the truth, you continue to avoid becoming your authentic self! You're just not bothered... you will need to make a choice soon.

...WAKE UP!"

She doesn't understand. Obviously.

The sleeping have no clue what it means to be awake.

Which annoys those who are, who can see.

Of course, it also annoys the one who is asleep, who is desperately doing her best to wake up. But she's not only responsible for herself, she's fighting a crusade for the entire lineage, the entire line of souls afore and aft... at least, they tell her so.

She's clearing and healing for them all.

"When I asked my uterus why it was there, I'm apparently carrying the rage, fury, anger, resentment, vengefulness and frustration of millions of women who have been cheated, abused and clamped down upon, humiliated. Including the experiences of my mother... it started when the second husband was messing her about. Left her cold."

She wears glasses to hide the truth. She can't hear that well, either.

As for feeling anything...

***

Rogue

She is Rogue. The one who poisons, harms, destroys and annihilates upon being touched or touching. The one who has been invisible for so long, people just bump into her in the street - still.

The only one who finds herself in the places where they gather and can clearly understand that she's only there because of Divine plan, not because she is needed or wanted there.

And so they do exactly what she fears: they do not care. They are not present. They do not touch her.

Untouchable.

How she aches to be touched, caressed, loved poured into the heart from the Source. She knows she carries none of it within.

No one can be who she has been or continues to revert to being if they could truly love, accept and give of themselves freely and without a second thought.

She holds the gathers of her cloak close, shield upon sheath...

She still chooses to manifest that which she manifests.

Vacancies. No contenders. Regurgitated conversations, places, faces, situations.

Screaming unto the crowd.... which only sees itself and gives off theories, philosophies, personal anecdotes that she has surpassed long ago. And she cannot tell them this.

How can the sleeping know that they are asleep?

How can the stirring know how to be awake, when they've only known slumber until a year afore?

She feels.... quicksand... trick mirrors. Apparent progress, falling back, stagnancy... what is this path?

***



Treading water, so as not to drown - she remains where she is.

The others swim, glide, across the seas of fortune...

And all of it is okay.

"You don't have to wake up... no.... you can remain as you are."

They pretend. It makes her skin crawl.

She needs an upgrade in her entourage and her support system. The old system no longer works, Lord.

***

Notorious

Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious.

~ Rumi

She cannot sell these writings. She is no Virginia Woolf, no Sylvia Plath. Well, even if she did what they did, she's still not white enough.

The world no longer works the way it used to.

No amount of stones in her pockets can save her reputation.

The image of tortured genius no longer appeals to the masses. They all want high vibrating literature. Ushering in the New Era. Anything vibrating at a frequency lower than Love need not apply.

The amount they spit in her face fascinates her.

Random strangers are regaled with tales of her doings when she was the tortured, wretched, dead one.

She buried those echoes of herself today - 23, 24, 25, 26, 27...

***

Zombie

They appeared to her as pallid, crippled, bleeding, malformed foetuses.

Each of them wailed and screamed: Why did you do this to us? Why did you kill us? Why did you choose this?

Why are you STILL killing us, torturing us, making us suffer?

She was sobbing loudly: I don't KNOW! I'm sorry, I don't know why I did it! I don't know why I'm still doing it!

Ho'ponopono is muttered.

The heart releases new waves of grief.

Come into present time... be who I am now. I am not that any longer. I can think. I feel the earth under the soles of my feet. I giggle, I literally laugh out loud and can shift the sadness. It dissipates.

Please heal me, Raphael. Make. Me. Whole.

This no longer resonates. What still keeps me chained?

I gave them all up... every single one I couldn't be my true self with... without a fuss, they left, I left. I asked them to treat me in a manner that was full of dignity and respect. They couldn't, so they left.

How could they but leave?

The shards of all my mirrors of horror splice my face into ribbons.

 ***

Scars in their eyes

"Can they not see?"

Canst you not see? It is safe to see the Truth.

No, she wears fog glasses around the eyes... she'd rather not see the truth. What is it, anyway? She's forgotten.

All of it... fallen from Grace, she is.

***

Losing My Religion

It started out so simply.

What did we start out as?

"I bear witness that there is nothing but that is Allah,
that Muhammad is the messenger of Allah and...
that Ali is the friend of Allah..."

***

"Call upon Ali,
he is the manifestor of miracles,
All the hurt, pain and grief,
he helps to remove them.
By the greatness of Allah,
by the apostleship of Muhammad
and by the authority of Ali...
help me, help me, help me!"

***

You are just as I want, so make me just as You want me to be...

***

Naive

This was her first mention of him in written words. The first time she had created poetry for a man. This was one of the many she actually did not send him later on.

Small mercies.

Not quite so naive, after all.

12 September 2010

Hello, you!

I want you to know my entire Soul, my entire being. 

I want my smile to be imprinted in your memoire for eternity.

And yet.

I seek the best from God.

And it seems that there's a flaw in the system.

I knew it was too easy to be true. The first time, with you ticking almost all the boxes?

Cosmic playthings, we are. And He's laughing at our ignorance. Yet not ready to show His cards.

Eh, ben. Quoi faire?

Je lache tous les attachements à la mémoire et l'idéal de toi.

Que sera, sera.

***

 
In Transition


" ...it is hard for me to see your beautiful soul as anything other than that....beautiful and in transition. You will work it out. You are strong and know fully what you are up to on a being level. Love you honey x"


Pure Shores

Sand. She is covered in sand. She lies in complete stillness, cocooned into the warm, pulsating womb of Gaia. Her limbs are supine, she does not break free.

Incubation must follow its due course.

She is one with the Earth.

She is being reborn. Again. Archangels Gabriel, Michael, Raphael, Haniel, Chamuel, Uriel and Zadkiel are the midwives.

The ocean whispers her name, calling her to baptise herself in its sparkling, redemptive waves - to wash herself of herself.

To free herself from herself.

The sound of the ocean haunts her in her dreams, in her quiet moments.

Come home, dearest mer-maiden, come...

Moisten and replenish yourself from the dryness of life, heal the cracked lines in your wizened visage... 

Release your bondage, exchange your weary human legs and grow back your glorious tail.

Discard all your clothing, become truly vulnerable and succumb your entire being to the temptress that is I, the Ocean.

Surrender to my ravishing you in entirety: mind, heart, body and soul.

Allow my salt to be the balm to your wounds. Heal thyself in my arms.

Penetrate... 

...and allow yourself to be penetrated... to your absolute core.



***

She never really had had an affinity with the ocean before. Interesting how things shift.

Like the sands.

But now, as she walks the London pavement, she feels the white grains of Mauritanian sand trickle through her toes. Grounding her in a most delightful way. Exfoliating the calloused soles to reveal the soft, tender flesh that is her true skin.

The left foot finally tingles with the life force. She is slowly agreeing to come out of the shadows.

***

They tell her to lighten up. To smile and laugh more often.

To live her life.

"I had to re-do my intentions. In a nutshell, my intention is to live my life. As so-and so has told me to do."

Laughter.

It is ironic, when you only choose to live your life after someone else tells you that's what you need to do.

***

Flint
 
"Can you kill a mammoth, make a tent out of horse bones and light a fire from flint?"

"Yes i can kill a mammoth, build a tent from horse bones, light a fire from flint??? Huh... woman, all i need is a tarpan slither, a stick and dry grass... Hahahaha... We’ll go camping one day and I’ll show you..."
 
***

The most powerful force on earth is the human soul on fire! Without passion man (or woman) is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock to ignite.
~ Unknown

The power of our unconscious thoughts and words: she had no idea that, in actuality, she was the flint, and he was the shock that her Soul had patiently awaited to ignite her... into an all-engulfing, all-encompassing, devouring and self-annihilating fire.

Thank you, O beautiful Soul.

May you find it within you to allow Spirit to ignite your own soul and activate the artistic creativity within you that yearns to express itself. Nobody can write so beautifully, to glow so brightly even when they desperately try to hide it and then continue to delude themselves into believing that they have no creative talents to express.


Your Soul is urging you to become totally creative, focused and to share your vision in the world.  Allow this creativity to flow through you and share your ideas and visions to help and inspire others.

I love you... for the wonderful being of light you are. Up until now, I've only had that spark with you.

And if I am not the one to catalyse you into you being your authentic self, I give you to the Universe so that you can do it your way... under the protection of Allah. I love you that much. You matter this much to me.

You are doing a disservice to yourself, to me, to your loved ones, to the entire world by refusing to wake up, by refusing to unveil yourself, by breaking the contracts.

And that is okay.

Not really a disservice. Just making choices. Exercising your free will.

So much more she wanted to tell him, to tell them about him... and she chooses wisely this time around. Her ego was tired of playing about with his ego.

She's deflated that story, popped it for good. Burnt it into the ashes - yet again.

Unnecessary happenings. Another layer to shed.

Her heart contains the secrets...  

but melt away the memories that no longer serve you, little one. He is lifetimes, time frames and dimensions away.

He healed himself, became whole, grew up enough to give of himself, open up his heart and commit to his Eve.
 
You still need to learn. You still need to wake up. 


And that is okay.


Wake up. Wake up. Lève-toi, chère, lève-toi.


***
 
Nothing is truly hidden, or separate. He already knows it all. It is written on this page. The message has reached.

Everything is a choice.

Let go, child. Let go. Trust in the perfection of all things.

Have you truly woken yourself up, yet? Truly?

Wake yourself up from your illusive sleep. Become your authentic self. That is all that the world needs. You to be yourself. How can you be anything but who you truly are?

Find your passion, dissolve the fear, discover your Divine work in the world, and be amazed as I guide you to the unfolding of your heart's desires.

***

What is my own Soul Purpose?
 

To experience creative endeavour, divine inspiration and a greater understanding of the deeper truths of life through experiencing the challenges of everyday existence in society. The experience gained and use of your gifts and talents can help inspire others to connect with the intuitive wisdom of their souls. 

Occasionally the 'Soul Purpose' or more accurately 'Soul Destiny' can be indicative of a Soul who is ripe to become one with the divine on the inside and out. That is they will receive the realisation at the experiential level that all is one and the same.

How do I achieve it, Lord?

***

And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.


If someone isn't what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.

Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity.

 People are capable, at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of.

~ Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Be like melting snow - wash yourself of yourself.


Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious.

~ Rumi

***


In The Arms of The Angel

She is the rogue.

The one who loved her the most... the part of her soul... has set herself free. To be her authentic self. She soars.

She could see through the lies and deceit. The omission of truths.

The hatred and contempt.

And none of it matters. She let her go, to make her own journey.

A soul mate is an ongoing connection with another individual that the soul picks up again in various times and places over lifetimes. We are attracted to another person at a soul level not because that person is our unique complement, but because by being with that individual, we are somehow provided with an impetus to become whole ourselves.
~ Edgar Cayce

Perhaps they finally grew whole... and apart... after all those years.

She is the rogue who could not transcend into Love.

Perhaps in the next incarnation, my angel. I shall be in the arms of my angel, then. Perhaps I shall also be the sheltering arms for my angel, too. Of true love and assistance, not just fluff and words and lies.

I love you. In spite of myself.

You said as much about your love for me, my soul sister. What else is there, save for this thing called Love?


***

Dante's Prayer (Loreena McKennitt)

When the dark wood fell before me
And all the paths were overgrown
When the priests of pride say there is no other way
I tilled the sorrows of stone

I did not believe because I could not see
Though you came to me in the night
When the dawn seemed forever lost
You showed me your love in the light of the stars

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me

Then the mountain rose before me
By the deep well of desire
From the fountain of forgiveness
Beyond the ice and fire

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me

Though we share this humble path, alone
How fragile is the heart
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly
To touch the face of the stars

Breathe life into this feeble heart
Lift this mortal veil of fear
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears
We'll rise above these earthly cares

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me
Please remember me


 ***

Written in the stars

This one she sent him. To explain the inexplicable, and make him understand. It didn't really explain much, in the end. Or people choose not to understand.

Sometimes, people choose to not read long letters written to the Beloved... 


15 September 2010

I leaked so much yesterday

The Emotional Alchemy book said it was good, the body releases that which needs to be released. I felt empty and unlovable for a bit, then the waterworks transformed into a soothing balm for the heart.

I couldn't sleep, for the most obvious of reasons, even after listening to an hour of Darren Hayes, Keane and Atif Aslam. That's also partly because I shot down 60g of plain dark chocolate in one go yesterday while going through the emotional release.

So, I went to the kitchen to make some chamomile and then I noticed how clear the sky was after the rain. So, I opened the back door and went into the garden and....

If any of you have a chance, meditate at 2:30 in the black night on the little grid of stars that He has put there for us. Add the cooling wind for a calming sound effect. And I looked, and I gazed, and I regarded.

And I contemplated.

And, slowly, calm and trust and acceptance came into the heart. Once again, the stars and the winds and the velvet sky whispered:

"He has a plan. You are small and insignificant and don't understand. 

He, who made this, who continues to add to the Creation, who is so loving to you and to the object of your interest and to the people flooded out in Pakistan and to everybody - He knows what you don't. 

Now, put your trust in Him. If it is meant to be, it will happen in its own time, perhaps the timing is off.

If it's not meant to be, there is no ownership. You all are One in the Realm.

He has taught you so much. Take those lessons and reflect on them. But, more importantly, trust in Allah's guidance and end it. Something better shall come from this. Let go of attachments to this world. 

Touch your dreams and let them go."

And I managed to feel so much gratitude towards myself and towards God that, five months on from being a complete whack-job and bed-ridden due to severe depression, I have been able to find my voice again and open up my heart so much that I allowed someone into my life and loved him and could imagine a life with him and not focus on his flaws, but on his absolute beauty and perfection for being who he is.

So, I'm going to cease being a twat to myself and to him, and do the cerebral, rational thing and just stop thinking that this is going to happen. It is not. If I'm lucky, we'll still manage to remain friends. If it doesn't happen that way, I smiled and sang and danced for 22 solid days.

I will always remember and always be grateful for that, you dear man-boy. You've made me grow exponentially and I've just had so much love and affection and compassion for you.

I have just become a joyous little bundle of light.

It's so unusual and novel.

Me, attractive.

Me, desirable.

If someone was to check out my mind and Soul and have compassion and unconditional positive regard for those parts of me, he'd have me through and through.

I thought I had found him. But, God says otherwise.

So I was wrong and have to seriously start working on the third-eye and crown chakras now. Because my intuition and inner voice and the ability to listen to Divine guidance (without resorting to flipping random pages of the Quran) is seriously shot.

Always has been.

Now, that's all I will say today on this.

It will take time to grieve and I accept that.


***

October 2011

"... there is always hope."

"It'll get better tomorrow. It always does... Yes, this is a random email. How are you?"

***

29 November 2010

"Sounds like you have a decent selection, but you cannot blame them as they dont understand what to say to a woman like you.

You are special, so i hope that you will find that person who will appreciate you for who you are.... (wow i sound different when i listen to my heart!!!)"

***


I tasted everything.
I found nothing better than you.
When I dove into the sea,
I found no pearl like you.
I opened all the casks,
I tasted from a thousand jars,
Yet none but that rebellious wine of yours
Touched my lips and inspired my heart.
~ Rumi


***


Eighteen months is quite enough time to grieve, little soul. 

Touch your dreams... and then TRULY let them go...

***

The Tyger (William Blake)

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?


In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare sieze the fire?


And what shoulder, & what art.
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand? & what dread feet?


What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?


When the stars threw down their spears,
And watered heaven with their tears,
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?


Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?