When we all are under the Waves

What to do to take care of oneself when we are all under the Waves?

It feels that we are all under the waves. What are these waves, you ask me? If I told you the truth, or rather if I told you MY truth, would you even believe me?

I shall start this part of my tale from when I resigned from my last job back in August. It was stifling, it was caging me entirely and I was breaking down. I could see through the facades of people, and it was clear that the people managing us had a disconnect between their minds and their hearts - yet the words which were spoken and which were written in letters and emails and publicity materials were so flowery and far removed from the reality of the staff on the ground.

I had become so very heavy. I tried to be light and friendly, and all I felt was anger and resentment that I was supporting others in their lives, whereas my life was (and, frankly, still is) a mess.

And then one day, it became too much. The dissemblance. My soul was screaming out, "You're a healer, a shaman, you are meant to be doing something else that builds you up as well!"

It is really difficult to be introverted and I'm praying to the Creator to help me shift towards extraversion. I won't be able to fulfill my ambitions with introversion, and the mental health issues.

***

I try to be strong, I really do. I always feel the responsibility and sometimes it is burden to be a healer, a lightworker. All the true words I write show my utter vulnerability, my feebleness, my frailty to the entire world, and I no longer wish to be like this.

I want to be able to bring Thy light to the world as a signature, scrawled into the cosmos with each breath of mine, with ever expansive and flow and movement...

I want to be Your shining Star, the Fairy Godmother, the Messenger, the Mystic, the King, the Goddess, the Genius, the Priestess, the Homemaker, the Living Beauty that You showed myself to me during my last shamanic healing with my teacher in October.

***

I find that my female sisters and friends find it particularly difficult when under the Waves. I turn to them, but they come to me with advice and a to-do list, and sometimes it doesn't resonate. Or maybe it is truth, and it triggers that part of me that wishes I was over all of this wounding.


Kis koh pata...

Allah, I just really want to dance. I just really want to sing. I just really want to connect with myself on such a deep level, that I can flow in Thy praise no matter what my external state is.

I am ready to surrender the rebellion I have felt and acted out towards Thee for my entire incarnation.

All the soul plans say I am a teacher and a writer, that I will create a healing modality with Thy grace to help those who are in really deep deep darkness... yet, here I lie, on the floor, helpless, pleading Thee for grace all over again.

***

In honour of 12/12 and full moon in Gemini

I pick up the sizzling charcoal
with the metal clamp,
place it in the container required
and shower it with dammar resin.
The angelic white light bursts forth...

The entire air is shimmering
With divine light as the heavenly scent
filters through my senses,
it simmers through the pores of the apple green walls

I can now sense serpent, jaguar, hummingbird and condor sweeping in,
As the rattle rattles its rattle
I can sense the wings of my angels cover me in love and protection
This world's energy is still too dense for me

I close my eyes and remember all the words
That have sunk underneath my skin
That ended up being lies
All over again

Taking me away from myself
As I stood far away from my life,
Wanting to water the desertlands of those
Who are so separate from themselves
From God
That all I felt was compassion

There is of course a part of me that can do all of this
But right now,
Little Sukaina is crying for love and support

We can't save the world
Not just yet..

Soon, my child.

But you refused to heal and this is the result.

Sukaina Juma, 13/12/2019

Clear

Clear
by Sukaina Juma

31 October 2011

She is clear.

Untainted and searingly clear,
dangerously beautiful.

Magnetic.
Compelling.
Attirant.

She's been shown how to change cellularly
to crystal.

Ruby, emerald, sapphire.
Brilliant white light.
Fiery.

Clear.

All the fractures of her being,
dissipate.

She reclaims
her smoothness.

She pursues
clarity.

With the determination of the lionness that she is.

The past is repelled,
it can no longer cling.

The future is forgotten.
She has no future.

She may not really be the pivotal
person in her own life.
She may still be
the onlooker, the bystander.

But at least she is clear.

This may not be her best piece of poetry to date.

But at least, she is clear.
Clean.
Untainted.
Unhooked.

She's made mistakes.
Some of them for the first time.
Others she chose to revisit;
so as to remember.

Some niggling things,
she clutches onto after having
attempted to
release.

Clear them, dear one.
Become clear of them.
They do not cease to exist sans toi.
You do not cease to exist sans eux.

Thou thriveth when thou art clear.

Am I not the most Clear?
And the most Mystical?
Am I not the Truth?
And the Unfathomable?

You want to be close to Me.
This I know. This thou knowest.

I am embedded in your living soul.
Yet you are still sensing distance.

Clear thyself, little one.

Canst Thou not do that for thyself?

I can, said she.
But how?

There is no how.
Say Yes.
Say I am clear.
Be clear.
Say "be" and it is.

Thou, my little gem,
shalt get murky
and smoky
frequently.

That is the effect of living on the physical plane.
It is not undesirable, it just is.

You just need to dust and shake yourself off again.

You plead to me in the dark,
curled up on the prayer mat,
the earthen place of prostration,
muddied with your tears:

"O Lord, make me as you like!
Ali was always as you liked,
as was Muhammad.
Make me like them,
Or at least make me as you like!
I beg thee, remove from me my
flaws, my desires, my frailty.
Let me become the highest version
of myself, not the low and base
creature I am now."

Little one,
You are as I like.
Dear one,
thou art as I Love!

I told thee this before.
Hast thou forgotten so quickly?
My answer withstands
the vicissitudes
of time.

You always have been as I like,
every single moment of unskilfulness.
Every single imperfect action and thought,
situation and relationship.

And guess what, dear?
Thou shalt always be as I like.

For thy essence is clear, pure, loving, healing.
Ever searching your Truth.

You are as I like.
You are as I Love.

You are loved.
Accept it.
Truly accept it in that
closed up heart o' thine.

Clear your heart from anything
that indicates otherwise.

Open it up to receive
from thy Lord.

Thou art now ready to receive more.

Remind thyself.
I can only shine
in true form through thee;
only when thou art clear.

Clear thyself,
little one.

It is easy for thee.

Clear.

"And when My servants ask you,
concerning Me 
indeed I am near. 
I respond to the invocation of the supplicant
when she calls upon Me. 
So let them respond to Me
and believe in Me 
that they may be guided."

She is clear.