Hi guys,
Firstly, just want to say I apologise for wasting your time.
Your time, my time, God's time.... Time
Such a precious commodity
in my ignorance, I wasted so much of it
in:
delays
heaviness in my mind
body
heart
thighs
legs
arms shoulders
my jaws are constantly heavy,
grindi n g,
disfiguring my face
feet bound so tightly to old outdated religious ideas
to colonial bakwaas that they made look and feel so damned real
to patriarchy that makes me choke, that rapes me every night in my sleep
to the ignorant ideologies still being forcefully pulled over our third eyes like masks
to distraction upon distraction
yes, Syria and Lebanon are as real as anything
but I'm poor again myself
and poverty is not gracious
the inability to think "right"
same as most people
after so many years of healing
I can help others put back the pieces of their puzzles
yet, moi
I'm still going through complex
PTSD
which tells me I must pay
someone else's rent in order
to redeem my worth
which tells me to take holidays
to be like all of you
yet those holidays
are always alone
always permeated by the intense loneliness
and due to faulty thinking,
I placed trust in a desi man in Barcelona,
I almost got raped last time
back to you guys
relatives who were kind
but stabbed me in the back
and were never there to help
when I was falling
seeing a melted face
in the mirror
all g l o o p y and shit
one of you gave me clothes,
but
it was an afterthought
trying to pull wool over the eyes of a psychic
works a few times
until I wise up
you'd never have given it to your own daughters
people leaving my life
how many meals did you feed me?
how many words did you speak to me?
how many car rides?
how many presents?
how much of my bakwaas did you listen to?
most of you, I have grasped onto
clutching
begging you to not leave
pleading you to not leave
asking you to stay and see me as worthy
not realising what huge lessons you are to me
and the main act of self love is letting all of you
(and please take all of your bakwaas with you
you are the ones to heal it best, not me)
GO!
be free
Be freed from
any contract I may have
asked you to sign onto
none of you truly listen
it is difficult to connect
the time is done
I shifted to a different timeline
so have you
ages ago
why don't you guys send me the memo immediately
i have to piece the information back together
bit by bit
it is difficult for me
these relationships
you realise I'm not from here
don't you?
i came from the stars
a lot of us have
we live amongst you
you see humans
we see much more than that
you realise I didn't come
to follow a patriarchal religion
or insane society
you realise there is a reason
why I write these poems
I'd write songs
if they ever decide to
flow through me
you realise that
the frustration I feel
is very real
the only ones who currently understand
are my fellow shamans
who are going through their own complex PTSD
who are going
going
going
going
going
through
breakdown
yup, another one
even I am
and the little ones who are running around inside of my heart and my mind,
bruised,
cut,
her wrists are still bleeding
her head is still wounded
from the last pounding
they're running around unchecked
I'm such a healer
replacing Light
upon
Light
Feeling such compassion
for the wounded males
for the wounded females
giving them my words,
my energy (and I really need to stop doing that)
I used to take so much energy from others
Little did I know I was
A lighthouse
Who had been attacked
And robbed of any soul
fragrance
Anything left,
I raped myself
I give them my sexuality as well
And it is used
And more is wanted
And all of this is
Still such bakwaas
Still not real
The mirages crumbling in my hands
***
I know, yaar
Pata hai
I created you
I attracted you
There are contracts
Cords
Tareeqa
Rasmey
This is how it has always been done
Qateh rehmi nahi karte hain
Haraam hai
(We don't cut off blood ties, it's forbidden by the Almighty)
Acha, toh yeh baat hai?
When I make a mistake
Even as a pure soul
Upstairs there
Hanging with my Beloved
Did I not understand the fragility
Of human existence?
As an Arcturian
I was invincible
As a Sirian,
I had immense knowledge, love,
Power, wisdom
Even as a Lemurian, there was Grace
But as a human, in the 21st century
No.
No.
No.
C'est trop bizarre, celui ci
why am I the one running after people?
running after
friends?
bloody buses?
lovers?
parents?
cousins?
aunts?
uncles?
cats?
healers?
shamans?
angels?
spirit guides?
my own words?
my own mind and sanity?
I even run after the sun
Nahi yaar
Bohot ho gaya
I had enough to deal with
now it seems that
the darkness that was beamed
sent, packaged
is still affecting my nadis
my neurons
my heart
my eyes
my reality
is this why my feet
are feeling heavy
all over again?
it didn't work out with Manu
and yet I still am obsessed with him?
Sidra was purely manipulating myself and others
with charisma
with love
and jinns
and I still can't get her energy out
of my reality?
this is not normal
I have random people
Londoners
behave with such hatred,
contempt,
I am so tired
So to all of you
with
narcissism
wounding
basic ill manners
ego issues
a desire to harm
and take advantage
Leave
Find your own way
Distract yourself with whatever is good for you
stop
sucking
me
dry
stop
thinking
I'm
your energy
source
stop
throwing
your
wounding
around
like
monkeys
with
coconuts
just
disappear
I am no good
for you
You are loved by the Beloved
Stand up and take note
Be the honoured guest
Once you crack the joy code
You will never wish to harm another
Each of us
will only wish
to give
and to only
take from
Source
***
I'm heading out
I have a much
much
delayed
rendezvous
with
the Divine
you're
forbidden
to divert
and
distract
me
any
longer
- Sukaina Juma
27/12/19
 |
| https://pixabay.com/users/skeeze-272447 |
No comments:
Post a Comment