Water says to the dirty, "Come here."
The dirty one says, "But I am so ashamed."
Water says, "How will you be made clean without me?"
Rumi, Mathnavi
~~~~~~~
You remove the thoughts that create a life form.
The energy comes back for a while, and you feel like your blood has become liquid gold for a while.
I have more energy.
Two days ago, with the precision of timing that only God has mastery over, and with my surrendering to my intuition, I met my soul mate whom I had not seen in 8 months due to his fears and blockages from his wife.
He apologised to me in very clear and detailed words. no running, no hiding behind a silent wall. I fell in love with him all over again (not that I had stopped). A perfect present... but there is nothing I can do. When someone gives away all of their power to their spouse, whereby she is checking his phone and emails, and doesn't allow you to experience the delicate nuances of human relationship. When he lacked the courage to text or call me in 8 months, and not really care how many nights I cried, or the pain that is still playing up every once in a while... well, then he isn't ready for me to be in his life.
As a friend.
I would never break up anyone's marriage or partnership (how egotistical is that thought? that someone else is the cause or source of my happiness or my peace), and this one obviously has been going very well for eleven years. They had their third child in September 2017.
I ain't that desperate for companionship (not any longer, that is).
I told him, "I know I deserve better."
This life teaches you that there are things that are more important than coupling. being okay with being alone, and being the main cause for this loneliness, for one.
The funny thing is I thought of him two days ago watching one of those YouTube videos about picking cards regarding exes. For him, the green crystals came up, as in he thought of me as a friend and was an angel in my life. All that is true.
But the love between us is so strong, I was surprised after 8 months, I still have exactly the same force of love and attraction and affection towards him. No change. As always, there was the electric charge that occurs whenever we are in the same vicinity, in the same room.
But I am thankfully not the same soul I was 8 months ago. Or rather, not the same human. I am forcing myself to surrender to whatever the reality is.
If I cast so many wicked, dark magic spells upon myself throughout the years and existences, it will take some time for them to wear off.
I had the witch-like entity removed exactly two weeks before. And, after 8 months after being so broken and in pain and hurt, and him ignoring me once when I was at the grocery store, we meet - with the precision of seconds. Had I left work earlier or had I been sidetracked with going to the second building to drop off leaflets for my colleague, I would have missed him. I left the leaflets because they were too heavy. And was angry at myself for not bringing them when it would have taken just two extra minutes to drop them off.
But those two minutes would have meant never meeting my Punjabi soulmate that evening.
He asked me to forgive him... he looked towards the skies in what seemed a gesture of awe and gratitude and said, "Well, it was meant to be that we met".
"I don't want you to think that I ever thought of you in less of a way. I don't want you to think that it was me who sent you that message.
"It wasn't you?"
"It was my wife."
I always am amazed how he keeps calling her his wife, instead of by name. I would always call them by their names. There must be some anger toward her on his part. He must feel the trappings, the energetic shackles and enslavement - he's really not that unintelligent or in denial (I would hope not.).
"You have no idea how many times I dialled your number and then cut off the call."
He alone has the right to break,
for he alone has the power to mend.
He that knows how to sew together
knows how to tear apart:
whatever He sells,
He buys something better in exchange.
He lays the house in ruins;
then in a moment He makes it more livable than before."
Rumi, Mathnavi, 1, 3882
"But I never received any call!"
"Yes, because I cut the call before dialling. I just had no idea what would happen if I did, and I couldn't take the risk. The guilt has been eating me up."
"Ab aisa lag raha hai ke thhora dil ka bojh kum ho gaya..."
Honestly? I couldn't write a script better than this - and he's not even for me. Well, my hair could have been prettier and breath fresher. Haha. Note for next time... except, again, had I stopped to freshen up at the office before leaving, I'd have missed him!
But maybe the script my soul is writing is the one of unconditional love. Not having anyone in your life, and forcing yourself to forgive his insecure wife, his own ego, and release the attachment. To spread your love to others, including some (there are many in London) arseholes that have crossed you.
If he had allowed me, I'd have given him a massive hug and a kiss. But Sukaina was not allowed to show her love and affection to him, as has always been the case. And so he drove off in his silver car, not even willing or able to offer me a lift to the bus stop.
The funny thing about him is I picked up on his beauty whilst walking past his car, and dared to look again - it was my soul that said, "look at this handsome guy. It is safe to look - to engage with life" - my default has been to ignore people and glaze my view. Something about those Muslim beards gets me into a hypnotic state. Thank goodness, he cut it back to regular size. There had been a phase whereby he was doing a some really weird things with that beard of his.
And then I recognised him.
He recognised me.
And I called out, "Can you talk to me?"
He said "I can, now."
And the best thing about him is there is almost no drama. None at all. Comfortable like an old pair of sneakers. Like a fleece blanket. Like my neighbour's cats. Like a cup of cocoa with marshamllows and cream.
His is a soul I could hug forever. The kind of feeling I want to feel when I finally meet my own life partner. Just warm and fuzzy. Instant trust and faith. God energy.
The refined, perfect merging of the divine feminine and sacred masculine.
For 8 months, my belief has been he just doesn't care. And it is correct - one has to be really distracted and in fear to not clear up any misunderstandings.
A simple text or phone call would be all that it took. But he hasn't gotten to that level as yet.
And on the night of the solar eclipse, he showed me just how MUCH he loves and cares for me. I can never doubt it again. But, again, there was a heat of mutual love and care, of respect and of compassion, and none of the crap that I was feeling before: no anger, no hatred, no desire to get in the last word. I just spoke too quickly again.
It's the kind of friendship we both would grow from and find immense freedom in. And fun. But, as it stands... he closed off at the end, probably feeling guilty about his wife. Honestly, what is it with us humans and operating our beautiful, free existences based on the core trappings of guilt and fear?
I did tell him, "You need to have courage.
Aise rishtey bohot kam milte hain. If anything changes, give me a call. Or text."
All he said was, "I'll see you around, maybe." He stiffened up, went back to reality.
I do NOT envy him, in spite of the fact he has a loving wife and three beautiful children, and an active social life, and loving family.
Since this isn't quite working in my favour, more entities are in need of removal, more curses. We both were standing out in the cold on the pavement for half an hour, rather than in a nice cosy coffee shop or restaurant. I didn't even think of asking to sit in the car to talk, and even if I had, I wouldn't have asked. He would have gotten the wrong idea of what my intentions are.
I just hope he chooses me as his spouse or girlfriend the next time we both incarnate together. What the **** is the point of incarnating with all of these beautiful soulmates, meeting them online or in the flesh, and NOT ****ing ending up with any of them? Hello?
This is so difficult for me. We were both here when we were teenagers but I never met him then, did I? I always, ALWAYS, find them AFTER they have already married the women they are meant to be with. It was the curse I put upon myself at age 13. The ridiculous Jane Austen curse.
And I accept that I made such a horrible thing happen to me. I wanted to experience this level of indescribable pain, I guess.
However, after feeling like there was something fundamentally wrong with me that no man I loved loves me back, and each of them have hurt me, Allah graced me with the clear sign that He can make things happen with such precise engineering, I still can't believe it. I've still been going to the grocery store, but never seeing him and have become so okay with it, I don't even look for him.
Allah also is reminding me that, contrary to how my family feel about me, how certain female friends feel, and contrary to every shitty thought I have had about myself and my life, he loves me. No question.
Such a sweet, kind, soft man. So soft and stable and loving, I melt into his energy and never want to leave (unless he's acting upon his ego, which is infuriating).
May I find one with all of their good qualities who had true courage and spiritual fire, such that he knows straight away that we are connected and is willing to sacrifice for the union.
Or else, give me two healthy cats to have as my children!
(Ideally both, but as they say,
"laazim nahin hai ke dunya ke saari khushiyan kamaa le tu...").
And then, today, I lost all energy and vitality, I've been lying in bed all day "sick". I hope I didn't create a sadness and frustration entity that's sucking me dry.
Oh, this spiritual path!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm reading a few Sufi books I finally got after my friend got mad at me for not reading from the masters and going to hacks and charlatans for healings and knowledge.
The Knowing Heart and Living Presence, both by Kabir Helminski who has a soft, fluid way with words.
And a book by Chishti about Sufi healing...title to be added when I find the book somewhere in my room.
Starting with what is familiar and warm, what I know... my soul isn't as old as I wanted it to be, and I am now accepting of all of that.
I still mess up in social situations, and still don't have control over my own life... the small things, the larger things.
Experiencing such extreme fatigue and a buzzing that won't let me sleep or meditate or pray. Or do anything I need to do.
All is as it is.
