After five years of absolute Hell...

After 5 years of absolute Hell, I am able to write here again. Even if it is just ten lines, Allah swt, let them be my own words from my authentic core and light. The world needs Your revelation and light, through me as well.

***

Looks like the Soul Retrieval I did last week for when I was 22 has been successful - she's come back, alhamdulillah... writing again with a fire in my belly and rage in my jaws.

I can't type all my thoughts on Instagram or Facebook any longer. Not even here, to be frank. It's owned by Google, I think. 

The entire world has lost it's connection to Thee, Allah. Bring each of us back. I do not deserve to live in this shitty timeline.

I developed strong Covid symptoms after my 2 night plant ceremony in October 2024, and it was debilitating and wiped my memory clear for a good 3 weeks. Even having my first romantic partner didn't seem to help me to raise my frequency and have a better experience of life, mainly because he has less knowledge about nutrition and health and wellbeing than I do. Also, what can one do when you just speak to each other once a week?

So my relationship with A ended on 12/12/2024, as the mutaah contract expired on that date, and neither of wanted to renew it (I did at the end, my heart was burning with pain - but he didn't as he said hehad no time for a relationship, and no capacity) so I am in a two month period of separation (Arabic term is iddah) to help me grieve, heal and raise my frequency so there's only love for him after I process all the difficult emotions and any negative karma I created. He decided to go no contact entirely, which is such an alien concept for me. I of course have had to honour his needs, but it's not helping that burning and pain in the heart. (I mean, I contacted him when I found out about my mother's heart attack, but the responses were to the point, texts, and even cold - from a stranger. Exactly why we aren't compatible - where do these men store all their trauma and patterns, honestly! Can they just not SEE?).

My first ever romantic relationship, just because he was a bit stronger and more spiritually advanced than the others. I can't look at it as a mistake, but as a transpersonal relationship and an experience that is 14 years overdue, blocked by so much dark magic and vapid entities. Oh boy!

I thought I was clear and he was clear, capable and on the same page as I am. Healing and spiritual work is literally a daily practice, and he's currently in his timeline of implanting more religious and worldly programming into his system, because he currently wants to be part of the London Shia community and help them, which by definition means remaining spiritually asleep. 

Also, his communication was really good until it wasn't. And his ego was malleable and soft, until it wasn't. I can't be doing this at age 40, training my partner how to be a Divine masculine. It's never appreciated, and the minute I want to change something about him is the moment of realisation: he is not the one, it is time to part.

I know this pattern, having followed the same shitty pattern for 14 years so that I would belong amongst people who aren't meant to awaken. Just so I could belong to a community - one that has rejected any real light for centuries.

I also can't be sure how much of the conflict, miscommunication and pain he's causing me is due to the entities still stuck in my womb. They're still there, but finding a shaman who has the same character and etiquette I desire is the issue at the moment.

The shamans I went to have their own issues, it's crazy how little etiquette us wounded people have cultivated within us.

Palestine is being raped. Humiliated, demolished. Everyone is going nuts. Some stupid drone show in the US.

My mother had a heart attack yesterday on 16/12/2024 and I'm doing what I can from my side, but mainly ensuring I remain centred.

People worldwide are zombies, unless they aren't. The world has seen such spiritual warfare, that we all, including me, have been censored and followed by all these evil entities.

That's it, I'm tired now. 

The promise of a Shaman

The promise of a shaman

If you come to me as a victim I will not support you.
But I will have the courage to walk with you through the pain that you are suffering.
I will put you in the fire, I will undress you, and I will sit you on the earth.
I will bathe you with herbs, I will purge you, and you will vomit the rage and the darkness inside you.
I'll bang your body with good herbs, and I'll put you to lay in the grass, face up to the sky.
Then I will blow your crown to clean the old memories that make you repeat the same behavior.
I will blow your forehead to scare away the thoughts that cloud your vision.
I will blow your throat to release the knot that won't let you talk.
I will blow your heart to scare fear, so that it goes far away where it cannot find you.
I will blow your solar plexus to extinguish the fire of the hell you carry inside, and you will know peace.
I will blow with fire your belly to burn the attachments, and the love that was not.
I will blow away the lovers that left you, the children that never came.
I will blow your heart to make you warm, to rekindle your desire to feel, create and start again.
I will blow with force your vagina or your penis, to clean the sexual door to your soul.
I will blow away the garbage that you collected trying to love what did not wanted to be loved.
I will use the broom, and the sponge, and the rag, and safely clean all the bitterness inside you.
I will blow your hands to destroy the ties that prevent you from creating.
I will blow your feet to dust and erase the footprints memories, so you can never return to that bad place.
I will turn your body, so your face will kiss the earth.
I'll blow your spine from the root to the neck to increase your strength and help you walk upright.
And I will let you rest.
After this you will cry, and after crying you will sleep,
And you will dream beautiful and meaningful dreams,
and when you wake up I'll be waiting for you.
I will smile at you, and you will smile back
I will offer you food that you will eat with pleasure, tasting life, and I will thank you.
Because what I’m offering today, was offered to me before when darkness lived within me.
And after I was healed, I felt the darkness leaving, and I cried.
Then we will walk together, and I will show you my garden, and my plants, and I will take you to the fire again.
And will talk together in a single voice with the blessing of the earth.
And we will shout to the forest the desires of your heart.
And the fire will listen and whisper the echo, and we will create hope together.
And the mountains will listen and whisper the echo, and we will create hope together.
And the rivers will listen and whisper the echo, and we will create hope together.
And the wind will listen and whisper the echo, and we will create hope together.
And then we will bow before the fire, and we will call upon all the visible and invisible guardians.
And you will say thank you to all of them.
And you will say thank you to yourself.
And you will say thank you to yourself.
And you will say thank you to yourself.
~ author unknown

For they know that love is freedom

Eventually we find someone
Or maybe they find us...
Who has no desire to change us
For they love us exactly as we are
Who has no desire to control us
For they know that love is freedom
Who has no desire to belittle us
For they yearn to see us grow
Somebody who communicates
Only in the vibration of love
Somebody who creates a safe space
For us to knock down our walls
And somebody whose only desire for us
Is that we follow our bliss
In this sanctuary of love ...
There is no drama
No criticism
No jealousy
No manipulation
No attack
No neediness
Only love
Acceptance
And freedom
When we find this somebody...
Or maybe they find us
We finally understand....
Why we had to go through all the pain

~Written by Karen Star

those who feel like home

A sea of people,
Yet only very few feel like home.
Some we knew from when we were children,
Afraid to speak, but had a companionship of the heart.

And now, a sea separates one from those who feel like home.

For some, it is more an ocean.
For others, it is a mountain of everlasting silence, never to be broken.

Love never to be declared.

A Sufi is everlastingly grateful for everything ever denied. The secret is a deep one, filled with profundity. We can live a very surface based existence, following passions, lusts, whims, laws, fashions, the mind and intellect.

Until one day, the soul is overburdened by the denial of truth, and states firmly: enough.

We continue to deny in order to purify.

Your first love is your divine Creator. The secrets within this Love will burn your wings, and your sight will also be sacrificed.

But within you, your heart will unfurl, the cage around it will shatter. Everything you have lost, including your dignity and your sanity, can truly be restored in a wholesome way.

The whispered prayer of the one most in need will resume to be asked within the hallowed halls of the saintly tombs.

But the meaning is now entirely different.

We ask for a continuous audience with God.

Anything else is paltry and a pretty mirage.

Water says, "How will you be made clean without me?"

Water says to the dirty, "Come here."
The dirty one says, "But I am so ashamed."
Water says, "How will you be made clean without me?"
Rumi, Mathnavi

~~~~~~~

You remove the thoughts that create a life form.

The energy comes back for a while, and you feel like your blood has become liquid gold for a while.

I have more energy.

Two days ago, with the precision of timing that only God has mastery over, and with my surrendering to my intuition, I met my soul mate whom I had not seen in 8 months due to his fears and blockages from his wife.

He apologised to me in very clear and detailed words. no running, no hiding behind a silent wall. I fell in love with him all over again (not that I had stopped). A perfect present... but there is nothing I can do. When someone gives away all of their power to their spouse, whereby she is checking his phone and emails, and doesn't allow you to experience the delicate nuances of human relationship. When he lacked the courage to text or call me in 8 months, and not really care how many nights I cried, or the pain that is still playing up every once in a while... well, then he isn't ready for me to be in his life.


As a friend.

I would never break up anyone's marriage or partnership (how egotistical is that thought? that someone else is the cause or source of my happiness or my peace), and this one obviously has been going very well for eleven years. They had their third child in September 2017.

I ain't that desperate for companionship (not any longer, that is).

I told him, "I know I deserve better."

This life teaches you that there are things that are more important than coupling. being okay with being alone, and being the main cause for this loneliness, for one.

The funny thing is I thought of him two days ago watching one of those YouTube videos about picking cards regarding exes. For him, the green crystals came up, as in he thought of me as a friend and was an angel in my life. All that is true.

But the love between us is so strong, I was surprised after 8 months, I still have exactly the same force of love and attraction and affection towards him. No change. As always, there was the electric charge that occurs whenever we are in the same vicinity, in the same room.

But I am thankfully not the same soul I was 8 months ago. Or rather, not the same human. I am forcing myself to surrender to whatever the reality is.

If I cast so many wicked, dark magic spells upon myself throughout the years and existences, it will take some time for them to wear off.

I had the witch-like entity removed exactly two weeks before. And, after 8 months after being so broken and in pain and hurt, and him ignoring me once when I was at the grocery store, we meet - with the precision of seconds. Had I left work earlier or had I been sidetracked with going to the second building to drop off leaflets for my colleague, I would have missed him. I left the leaflets because they were too heavy. And was angry at myself for not bringing them when it would have taken just two extra minutes to drop them off.

But those two minutes would have meant never meeting my Punjabi soulmate that evening.

He asked me to forgive him... he looked towards the skies in what seemed a gesture of awe and gratitude and said, "Well, it was meant to be that we met".

"I don't want you to think that I ever thought of you in less of a way. I don't want you to think that it was me who sent you that message.

"It wasn't you?"

"It was my wife."

I always am amazed how he keeps calling her his wife, instead of by name. I would always call them by their names. There must be some anger toward her on his part. He must feel the trappings, the energetic shackles and enslavement - he's really not that unintelligent or in denial (I would hope not.).

"You have no idea how many times I dialled your number and then cut off the call."

He alone has the right to break,
for he alone has the power to mend.
He that knows how to sew together
knows how to tear apart:
whatever He sells,
He buys something better in exchange.
He lays the house in ruins;
then in a moment He makes it more livable than before."

Rumi, Mathnavi, 1, 3882

"But I never received any call!"
"Yes, because I cut the call before dialling. I just had no idea what would happen if I did, and I couldn't take the risk. The guilt has been eating me up."


"Ab aisa lag raha hai ke thhora dil ka bojh kum ho gaya..."

Honestly? I couldn't write a script better than this - and he's not even for me. Well, my hair could have been prettier and breath fresher. Haha. Note for next time... except, again, had I stopped to freshen up at the office before leaving, I'd have missed him!

But maybe the script my soul is writing is the one of unconditional love. Not having anyone in your life, and forcing yourself to forgive his insecure wife, his own ego, and release the attachment. To spread your love to others, including some (there are many in London) arseholes that have crossed you.

If he had allowed me, I'd have given him a massive hug and a kiss. But Sukaina was not allowed to show her love and affection to him, as has always been the case. And so he drove off in his silver car, not even willing or able to offer me a lift to the bus stop.

The funny thing about him is I picked up on his beauty whilst walking past his car, and dared to look again - it was my soul that said, "look at this handsome guy. It is safe to look - to engage with life" - my default has been to ignore people and glaze my view. Something about those Muslim beards gets me into a hypnotic state. Thank goodness, he cut it back to regular size. There had been a phase whereby he was doing a some really weird things with that beard of his.

And then I recognised him.

He recognised me.

And I called out, "Can you talk to me?"

He said "I can, now."

And the best thing about him is there is almost no drama. None at all. Comfortable like an old pair of sneakers. Like a fleece blanket. Like my neighbour's cats.  Like a cup of cocoa with marshamllows and cream.

His is a soul I could hug forever. The kind of feeling I want to feel when I finally meet my own life partner. Just warm and fuzzy. Instant trust and faith. God energy.

The refined, perfect merging of the divine feminine and sacred masculine.

For 8 months, my belief has been he just doesn't care. And it is correct - one has to be really distracted and in fear to not clear up any misunderstandings.

A simple text or phone call would be all that it took. But he hasn't gotten to that level as yet.

And on the night of the solar eclipse, he showed me just how MUCH he loves and cares for me. I can never doubt it again. But, again, there was a heat of mutual love and care, of respect and of compassion, and none of the crap that I was feeling before: no anger, no hatred, no desire to get in the last word. I just spoke too quickly again.

It's the kind of friendship we both would grow from and find immense freedom in. And fun. But, as it stands... he closed off at the end, probably feeling guilty about his wife. Honestly, what is it with us humans and operating our beautiful, free existences based on the core trappings of guilt and fear?

I did tell him, "You need to have courage. Aise rishtey bohot kam milte hain. If anything changes, give me a call. Or text."

All he said was, "I'll see you around, maybe." He stiffened up, went back to reality.

I do NOT envy him, in spite of the fact he has a loving wife and three beautiful children, and an active social life, and loving family.

Since this isn't quite working in my favour, more entities are in need of removal, more curses. We both were standing out in the cold on the pavement for half an hour, rather than in a nice cosy coffee shop or restaurant. I didn't even think of asking to sit in the car to talk, and even if I had, I wouldn't have asked. He would have gotten the wrong idea of what my intentions are.

I just hope he chooses me as his spouse or girlfriend the next time we both incarnate together. What the **** is the point of incarnating with all of these beautiful soulmates, meeting them online or in the flesh, and NOT ****ing ending up with any of them? Hello?

This is so difficult for me. We were both here when we were teenagers but I never met him then, did I? I always, ALWAYS, find them AFTER they have already married the women they are meant to be with. It was the curse I put upon myself at age 13. The ridiculous Jane Austen curse.

And I accept that I made such a horrible thing happen to me. I wanted to experience this level of indescribable pain, I guess.

However, after feeling like there was something fundamentally wrong with me that no man I loved loves me back, and each of them have hurt me, Allah graced me with the clear sign that He can make things happen with such precise engineering, I still can't believe it. I've still been going to the grocery store, but never seeing him and have become so okay with it, I don't even look for him.

Allah also is reminding me that, contrary to how my family feel about me, how certain female friends feel, and contrary to every shitty thought I have had about myself and my life, he loves me. No question.

Such a sweet, kind, soft man. So soft and stable and loving, I melt into his energy and never want to leave (unless he's acting upon his ego, which is infuriating).

May I find one with all of their good qualities who had true courage and spiritual fire, such that he knows straight away that we are connected and is willing to sacrifice for the union.

Or else, give me two healthy cats to have as my children!

(Ideally both, but as they say, "laazim nahin hai ke dunya ke saari khushiyan kamaa le tu...").

And then, today, I lost all energy and vitality, I've been lying in bed all day "sick". I hope I didn't create a sadness and frustration entity that's sucking me dry.

Oh, this spiritual path!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm reading a few Sufi books I finally got after my friend got mad at me for not reading from the masters and going to hacks and charlatans for healings and knowledge.

The Knowing Heart and Living Presence, both by Kabir Helminski who has a soft, fluid way with words.

And a book by Chishti about Sufi healing...title to be added when I find the book somewhere in my room.

Starting with what is familiar and warm, what I know... my soul isn't as old as I wanted it to be, and I am now accepting of all of that.

I still mess up in social situations, and still don't have control over my own life... the small things, the larger things.

Experiencing such extreme fatigue and a buzzing that won't let me sleep or meditate or pray. Or do anything I need to do.

All is as it is.

everyone can shift their consciousness in an instant

"Remember that anyone and everyone can shift their consciousness in an instant. Think back to how you used to perceive the world/your reality, stuck in the victim perpetrator mindset, and let yourself remember your own evolution. For some of you it was gradual, for some of you it was instantaneous. For all of you the physical actualization of your shift is an ongoing process that currently seems to be playing out along a linear format of time. It's not really linear, of course, but it seems that way." 

The Pleiadians #operatefromjoy

Nora Herold

in this there is inherent blessing

I developed an interesting theory today after having an interesting day: your gifts that are given to you, are then taken away from you, and in this there is inherent blessing. As you dig within to find your power and bring forth the embers from a zero point.

Yesterday, I woke up in the morning a bit more relaxed than I have been for quite some time. It is the result of doing the Lesser Banishment Ritual of The Pentagram by Aleister Crowley at night, and feeding my first and second munay-ki rite, because if I hadn't shifted some energy, I thought I would burst.

I settled into meditation and breathing, and almost immediately I felt the energy of my ex intuitively. Sometimes I hear his voice. For some reason, I keep thinking he, too, is going through some great tragedy and challenges as I am, only moreso because he is finally waking up for the first time (yes, I now see the seed of spiritual arrogance creeping in to beguile me, but it feels so real whilst we are in it. Who am I to have an opinion about anyone else's levels, when I drop so readily myself on daily basis?).

So, I asked myself, if you want to write to him, is that what your heart wants? The answer came yes. So, I did a really silly thing. I wrote to him. And I told him exactly why. It didn't feel silly at the time, because I could feel his auric field, and it was welcoming and soft. Loving, even. But in real life, this is the latest in a string of silly things I do when I read too many twin flame forecasts, which I had stopped doing, and then started again. They kept on banging on about how the portal was opening for reunion. I deluded myself into a sense of false hopes. Yet, I did what I had to do. I felt better for writing the email. I didn't check if he read it or responded.

And a few hours later, I asked myself, "why the HELL did you do that? You know how silly that was?" I gave myself a good talking to.

Yet, this story ends well. It is as though, having written to him, something very old, faded, torn, broken was released from me.

"You silly, it doesn't matter. He's not in your life. Where is the reality in all of this? Where is the power? It's not even as though you WANT to be with him, is it? SO THEN? Why do you write to him?" (Uncontrollable impulse). And all of this was done before breakfast.

A treasured friend then helped me do a healing for myself to clear some emotions. My heart was blocked, and it was grief over how many times I have been rejected by men. A past life pattern of never getting the guy. Let it all go. Feel so much better now. And today, some cord released from my spine, similar to an implant, and all that I did yesterday seems like a far away dream, something I did when I was younger. Not yesterday.

Usually I would feel shame and anger at myself, and I did feel a little bit, but now I know there are other things to focus on. My friend is a very powerful healer.

This reminded me that, whilst I've been avoiding the issues and looking to reflexology and EFT tapping to help me feel better, I realise that doing a proper body release of the emotion will benefit me more. More than even meditation perhaps.

So that's just what I am going to do now, to clear the patterns.

After my cousin did such a powerful healing for me using Reiki, I'm going to revisit the symbols and start healing myself and my environment with them.

This is the blessing.... my ego made me believe I was beyond the methods, until all my wisdom, knowledge and awareness have been muted.

So you go back to basics. Real basics. And never overstep the boundaries or the journey.

I told my counsellor that I didn't mention to him the fact I had romantic feelings for my married cousin. The reason was shame, and the ridiculousness that again I fell for a married man. For it is therefore not meant to be. So he asked me, why did you feel you could tell me now?

And that was because I had told myself in affirmation that it is okay to love someone and them not love you back. It is about you being a loving and demonstrative person, and finding a connection with that person. You validate your feelings and yourself. The other person's response is their own issue.

Especially since nothing will ever happen. And we wouldn't be compatible, my ego would constantly compete with him to be more gifted a healer. And because I wouldn't be more gifted than he is, or wiser and more knowledgeable than he is, I would feel frustrated. Best he remain a mentor. And hopefully a friend/brother.

So I realised that the moment you OWN your feelings and your darkness and the "shameful" aspects of your thoughts and behaviour, the sting goes away. There is no good or bad. It is as it is. You feel bindaas, free... the old matrix collapses in front of your eyes, you breathe easier, and you start to dance to Daddy Yankee again.

After seven years, it still feels like a brand new concept.

a subtle truth, or two

You really cannot force things, and this is what I will learn. You can't force family to be family. Friends to be friends. Lovers to be lovers. Jobs to be jobs. Opportunities to become opportunities. Understanding. Spiritual advancement.

You cannot force them. You can release them to the winds, the beautiful, gentle, wise winds... as everyone and everything is free.

None of this is needed when you truly accept the Creator as your support, the earth as your mother, the sky as your father, the stars as your siblings, the grasses as your carpet, the animals as your friends.

I have been stuck in this limbo for two months, not much use to myself nor to others. It pains my heart when I am useless to others. And yet, I keep ensuring that I am.

The rivers cleanse me and then I feel better.

This eclipse is solely to release the impurities that we accumulated, even if we really think they are good.

We can open up to our kheera, and I wish for myself at least that I understand that what is good for the soul will usually NOT be good for my ego and my ego will feel fear and panic and kick up a fuss like a trapped tiger.

When the people who used to respect you, stop respecting you in the name of their own peace of mind, it is time to ask yourself why you have stopped respecting yourself. Why you still feel as though you are worth less than what is your birthright.

Understand that people are very psychic and pick up on your limiting beliefs and energies and respond to them mostly, unless they are more powerful than you are in spiritual purity, and can sidestep it and bring in much love.

People think I don't know. I went through a divorce 7 years ago and have only now felt as though I am at peace and ready to move forward. And I only allowed myself crumbs of a romance... the dredges that could be begrudgingly bestowed upon me.

But who cares if I understand, when I make a mistake, it blows up and hurts me more than the other person, because I felt compelled to say something helpful. It wasn't helpful.

Even when your soul is so strong, you can still insist with God to make life easier. You can. We don't need to finish off all our karma in one hit. Life is a blessing, being on earth is a huge blessing, so let us enjoy it and allow ourselves to see beyond our limited viewpoint of what we WANT.

There have been things in the past I saw clearly but I doubted myself and butchered it all because the others didn't see it, or made me doubt myself. And this is why I am no longer seeking to become a teacher, or a counsellor. It is not for me.

I have always wished to sing professionally, play musical instruments and dance. And all of these things were kept away from me in the name of God, modesty and "no one will marry you".

I remember being so obedient, I threw away my recorder into a hedge when I was 9 years old, because I felt I would otherwise NOT be pure and acceptable to God.

Interesting how this occurs. When people ask me what I really want to do, I can't tell them this is what I REALLY wish to do, because of fear of being ridiculed, judged.. and also, I feel how on earth can I do this, and isn't it too late and x y z...

Well, see, we all have dreams and desires that do not occur. We set it up for ourselves to LEARN and if we don't learn, then we repeat it in a louder tone.

I remember that Imam Ali (a.s.) has said, "I do not know what to thank you more for: the blessing and desired outcome that You bestowed upon me, or the desired thing You insisted on keeping away from me. In both cases, You have deeply honoured me." I have taken artistic license to paraphrase the words, and keeping the essence intact.

Just FYI.

As I told my probable twin flame, a real Sufi welcomes the thorns with as much enthusiasm as she does the rose, because they both are destined and from God. Everything that comes from God must be good, everything that has happened up until now has been good.

We have the means to improve upon it, for sure, with awareness and with humility and gentle kindness.


But it takes a truly advanced and proper gangsta soul to REALLY feel this in the gut, and the heart, and the cells, and the eyes, and the ears, and the throat, and everywhere else.

I certainly am not that pure yet, so I must refrain from telling this to others.

Even though I can see, and I DO see.

Because this sight causes much pain to self, I chose to shut it down. It isn't pure, yet. there are many filters still there, blocking the truth of the truth. There will be a way forward for us all. I will regain my eyesight fully at some point, because it is very much needed for many different things!

I know, same as anyone, that you don't need to believe in or know anything in order for it to still impact you. I didn't know about Venus retrograde when I met my twin flame seven years ago, yet we met right smack in the middle of a Venus retrograde and that is why things unfolded as they did.

Utter ****.

We both tried so hard to love each other and to connect, to meet, and nothing worked. All we did was fight, and I would question myself afterwards, but I love him! So why would I just get so angry and fearful around him? Why does he keep not wanting me, running off, then coming back? And then there were secrets and lies and untruths, that I was not aware of. Until I got so tired, I just told him to go away. And then I couldn't let go, and my entire self collapsed. I didn't get a qualification I had worked so hard towards getting, and friends just bore my woes because I couldn't bear them alone.

The point is, whatever happened was helped along by the stars and planets, so both he and I could wake up and open our eyes a little bit, for a little while. To see we needed to heal ourselves. To get over ourselves.

Sometimes this knowledge allows us to not judge ourselves and our lives so harshly, that something is wrong with us or God has it out for us. As the twin flame told me a year ago, God is not a little kid with a magnifying glass out to get you, you have to TRUST him!

At the time, I said to him, yes, I trusted God and my intuition, that's why I wrote to you and confided in you. Well, look what happened. You just razed any last hopes of some sort of connection to the ground.

And now, I know that I will just match my core essence energy (not my current human state, which is not coping well) with the people I wish to surround myself with. It may mean moving somewhere where those people actually ARE. I have to be ready and prepared to go out adventuring and trusting that there will be the earth and the ground there to hold me. I would have seriously considered studying in Iraq or Iran in the hawza, after seeing the positive effects cloistoring oneself in a seminary has had on my three male cousins, but it is not the place for me.

It is not the ideal place for a woman who will not wear the veil because someone said it makes her more modest and pious (even if it does, which is not the case for me. For me, I feel suffocated).

They have shifted so much in a year, I can just see the luminous light emanate from them effortlessly. They don't even wish to hide it. They are confident and comfortable and have faith and ideas and articulate them with power. I may have reservations about Islamic governments, but if you find the correct hawza/seminary to learn REAL mysticism, magic occurs.

I will find my home, I am sure.

And sometimes, people such as myself, will use this mystical and practical knowledge and make a noose out of it, happily place it around their necks, and pull the trigger as well. It happens a lot in many online communities. Because we forget that we still need to find real life schools and places of meeting where we can commune with God.

In my personal case, a 16/7 karma doesn't have to remain so. Who said so? My mind said so. Well, my mind needs a beach holiday!

Peace

Freedom comes in stages

The Tower

Today, the thoughts are clearer and swirling in my head.

But only after I went for a walk in nature.

And it seems I am finally being freed from the prison that has engulfed me my entire life.

I can see clearer, the colours are brighter.

I can sense that there are some shifts that are perhaps unwelcome to the un-whole parts of me that were used to a certain way of being.

I got the Tower card in my future for the Tarot reading. I will be free, but much will be destroyed and turned upside down before that. I always seem to go for the melodramatic, but there is hope it will be gentle.

My throat glands are swollen, first it was only the left, then both sides, and today it is the left side again. My left hand side is in pain. The womb is healing the pain.

I read an email I had sent in February, before the soul retrieval. It does not sound like who I am at all now.

Awesome. Always happy to hear you're keeping well. I'm leaving for Iraq very shortly. (Please don't comment like you did when I mentioned Turkey, it's not fair). Is there anything you'd like or need from either Najaf or Kerbala? Do not hesitate to say, you know that I consider you to be my friend (I obviously have a very loose and warped definition of the the term), even if you don't consider me to be so. If I am able to get it for you, then I will - but I can't promise as my health really fluctuates etc and I'm with a group this time around.

That soul was so lost, a mess as my teacher said to me last month. "You came in a mess!"

The height of disempowerment, yet I couldn't understand just how much, and how to get out of it all. I am sure I still have a lot of work to do, yet it is time that God came to me and helped me, as He does for all of His loved ones. If I lack the faith, You must come inside of me so there is no room for doubts.

Breaking away all of the chains

 


I have finally given myself permission to be free... without the arrogance of previous shifts.

I have completed the most difficult, challenging 33 years of my life and the Saturn Return has done what it wished with me.

Those of us who only have experienced a benevolent universe have other things to experience when the soul is mature enough. Trust me.

Yet, there is no more heaviness, no more delay, and no more knowledge.

I am being wiped clean of all of that which didn't serve me. The world around me literally feels like a video game, one I wish I could debug and re-write certain aspects, such as my continuing to live in London, but until that somehow becomes an easy task, I just ignore the uncomfortable aspects of the life I created.

What I need is for my soul and my heart to burn for the divine and surrender towards servitude.

There are a lot of tests or choices to distract me from this, and I have had my time and nothing has worked out.

All the friends are leaving again, I am shifting and they aren't meant to be in my next stage, and that is fine. I never would have said this last year. I was just so desperate, without realising my true worth. And still have a few questions about the events of the past year, and I am sure that the answers will come to me in my dreams or reality, because there is no reason to hold onto the past any longer.

A friend of mine has said to me that she has fought such demons and survived them, she knows she has no fear now because she survived the worst.

I can understand that feeling now.

The worst is when you lose yourself, or you are told that you haven't been living in your body from birth onwards, that you made decisions based on programming and fears rather than yourself, and you go to someone for help, and they end up taking advantage of your trusting nature to do exactly what they said they were freeing you from.

And so, you crashed to zero every time.

As they say in Arabic, everything has been good up until now.

Abstinence

This is the sacred month, and this year it actually feels sacred to me, because I have less baggage forming a barrier between me and the divine.

I shall be going into spiritual retreat from today. For my soul has been craving this release and this expansion for ever so long, and everything has done it's best to belittle me and wear me down.

I created the challenges because they were needed.

Now they are not needed.

I have the challenge of having very programmed religious people telling me Islam is the only way forward, and that everything that is written in the books is real.

I have decided to let them be. I will not be Moses, telling the Shepherd how to worship God.

Whatever is right for a soul, is right for a soul.

Whatever brings you back to the purity of your soul, and the fervour that lights up your eyes and hearts, and makes you see and experience the unseen, do that.

I am unsure why I picked to be in such a religion that I do not understand, but there we are.

The more I unravel, the more is revealed.

With or without the person who was meant to be by my side for the last seven years.

I am sure that, in such extenuating circumstances, God will cut me some slack and allow me inside the next dimension regardless.

The different fabrics of souls (1)

Stunning mosaic art work

I met someone new over the weekend. I already knew he was happily married with two children before we even met in the flesh, so this time I fortunately didn't get my hopes up. We didn't interact much during the full day workshop we were participating at, mainly because it was more task based and taking in information than that of interaction. At lunch, we were at different tables.

I found it easier to be in this group setting yet I still had a panic attack in the morning and had to do some deep breathing and hold onto a crystal for the morning session.

It has been a challenging week.

He was gracious enough to drop me half way home, to the nearest TfL Underground station that didn't mean him going out of his way. Very logical. Had to go back home to his kids.

Again, on my pilgrimage to Iraq earlier this month, I had asked for my genuine and real soul family to come up so I can begin making new and hopefully longer lasting connections. No karma, no drama.

So the first guy I'm sent along is a surprise, since I have been hiding and in hibernation for months now, after having been repeatedly hurt by male members of the human species. I seem to have been attracting the really sensitive ones who have been hurt so badly, they have barbed wires around their hearts and minds and have punctured me so much whilst all I tried to do was heal their hearts.

A hard lesson learned.

He is someone who again I didn't even bother to exchange contact details with or even ask what his last name was, because of the very old paradigm of me connecting so quickly and comfortably with a Muslim man who is married.

We felt like old friends from the start. I did fall into an old pattern of sounding somewhat superficial and involved with the mundane realities of life, only because I suppose I had to speak in a language he would understand. It felt so good to just be my daft self, not even knowing how connect to the Bluetooth of his BMW and not being able to help charge his phone properly.

We drove in silence for a while (he couldn't take too much quiet for reasons unknown) as the sun was setting and as we passed lush green fields and beautiful trees, I realised this is what a normal romantic relationship would feel like. It made me sad that, in 33 years, I am yet to experience such simple pleasures of life.

And yet the acceptance of my current life and all of the past heavy karmic involvements with others washed through me. "My next life-time will be better, inshallah" is my new appeasing phrase to myself.

We were driving past Hyde Park when he complained about his frustration with the Muslim community doing the defunct thing every Thursday of going to the mosque and wasting X amount of hours in a year over nothing.

"We should do something more social, why doesn't anyone do something more casual?"

I replied: Well, there are people who are doing a lot of stuff, but they are the ones who have been excommunicated from the community!" And then I continued, "Look, you have to understand that there are different soul ages and levels. From my perspective, 80% of people who are currently Muslim are like that because if they WEREN'T Muslim, and weren't under some rules and regulations, they would cause such chaos in the world. I am one such person, if I hadn't had a grounding, I'd have been even more lost than I am now."

He nodded his head in assent.

"There are many people who are infant souls. Now someone who is kindergarten and reached Year five is doing quite well for himself. You can't expect that person to become a PhD. You have to understand this. And as for those of us (such as you and I) who are going beyond that and seeking more, well, that's because... um (at that point, I was so exhausted, my words were failing me and couldn't come out as poetic and meaningful as I would have liked) .. the fabric of our souls is different."

Yes, he felt like soul family. I haven't felt this comfortable with anyone in such a long time, at least since my colleague from the job I left a year ago. The same colleague who was such a source of support to me for two years has now decided to ignore me entirely.

And this is why I no longer can rely on anyone. Because they will always fail you.

Hadhrat Abbas (a.s.) shrine at Dhuhr prayer

I had gone to Iraq to pray for myself, pray for Iraq, pray for the dire way the UK is going, pray for every animal and every soul. Pray, pray, pray for my entire life to shift and change. For me to just be free from all that is holding me back.

I may need to write a separate post on my journey there. It deserves such respect.

For now, I can say I felt such immense peace at the shrines in Najaf, Karbala and Kadhmain. The energy shimmered. I didn't feel the loss of family or lovers or friends.

It felt as though my real divine mother had taken me up and was cradling me in her arms. This was specifically at the shrine of Abu Fadhl Abbas ibn Ali. Such peace, such belonging. I cried almost every time. My heart hurt. I couldn't recite anything, I would just look at the children playing and pray for their safety and well being and look at the sparrows flitting about the shrine, making thier place there.

It felt so good being there. Two weeks in a place without any chem trails. I could breathe. Although I really dislike wearing the black chador, at least I blended in and no one stared at me as  they do in London. I had very few, if any, people sticking to my butt as well.

I came back to London and I miss it. But I could not live in Iraq. Not right now. Maybe when there is peace in that land, I may try to live in Baghdad or any place where I don't need to cover from head to toe.

The orphan children and their smiles.... I would like to experience serving the orphans in a very real and practical way.

Beautiful Iraqi children in Najaf, selling trinkets on the street instead of being in school

I feel more at home there than I do in London or any other place in the West I have visited. London has very dark energies, and most light workers I speak to agree with me on this. They all feel they would be a lot better suited to another place, the countryside or elsewhere. Perhaps we all decided to come here because we were called to cleanse the place.

But for some of us, the pain and drama is not worth awakening an entire city or planet for. It is no longer acceptable to my own soul, I deserve better than the experiences that continue to occur with me in this city. With people feeling so disconnected form themselves and the general chaos in this city, surely I know better than to continue staying here.

I never thought I would go so far as to say I feel imprisoned living in London. I know there might be a city or town somewhere else in the UK whereby my soul could rest and breathe freely. Or somewhere else in the world whereby my footsteps and presence would be loved and cherished.

It is just a matter of asking God to help reveal the next steps and finally remove the obstacles to it all.

If I was to detail the fabric of my own soul, it is of the most delicate and fine material, wispy and loving. Warm shades of pink, mauve, blue, green, splashes of bright yellow and giggles. A deep cat's purr.

(C) Kenji Kumara, all rights reserved

There is a reason why the Qu'erro shared their healing knowledge and wisdom with us "Western" people. We need healing more than ever.

Even though I think I've done the healing, today my shaman told me I have to keep doing the healing.

It is what it is.

May I finally submit to what God wishes for me, instead of going against the divine plan and ending up with nothing all over again.

That burnt out feeling of a tired soul that wants release

Sacrosanct

Sacrosanct
by Sukaina Juma
19 October 2011



 

I sit under this loyal tree o' mine,
Gazing at the azure sky that beams at me with benefaction.

Today I focus on the ladybug who decided
my heart was soft and open enough
to be trusted.
She ventures her tiny feet upon
my calloused fingers.

One full moon ago here I lay,
nursing the hurt I felt as a result
of a letter written to me in ire
by a rejected suitor.

The hurt was more
because I had to decline his interest,
than it was to do with those harsh
words of little consequence.

Sitting here, my bare feet on the grass,
I thought of the boy
who wrote one hysterically funny note,
and then chose not to respond
to my witty repartee.

This young laddie from the Midlands
encouraged me to release
and transmute into your roots,
the layers of bitterness and resentment
for all they've ever said or done.

And many full moons afore,
I found myself here, in the cold
and the velvety darkness,
humming devoted prayers
from a holy book
for the eternal peace of the brother of my beloved,
who had drastically departed from this existence.

Leaving behind exquisite memories,
a grieving wife,
a life yet to be born,
a lazy, good-for-nothing cat,
and a vibrancy I still pine to experience.

And afore that?
What else didst thou witness, o loyal companion o' mine?

My back, bent and trembling,
my eyes continually leaking
those forbidden tears
for a myth, an unfathomable sphinx,
a Soul so beautiful,
so cold,
so harsh,
so cerebral,
so heartless.

Impervious
to the the very dregs of my soul,
to the very last pearls of myself,
for which I dove into the hidden chasms,
delved into the deepest recesses,
and offered them as bribes;
everything I had of value,

I gave to him.

Sacrosanct

He intoxicated
the untouched nymph within,
paralysed her.
Artemis stood still in fear of all that was possible
- it couldn't really be this easy, could it?
Could she allow herself
to be joyful,
to feel loved,
to belong?

Sacrosanct

He made her aware of all that she lacked,
of her naivete
that couldn't understand his intense
attention,
which then flickered out,
and sought out another
to ignite;
whilst she deliberated.

Transfixed.
 
He held her transfixed.

Just as Izrael transfixes
the soul he is charged
with destroying,
at the moment of
reckoning.

O humble Izrael,
at least thou bringest a sweet smelling flower
to those whose innocent hearts
lead them to shame
and regret.

There is still some mercy, some absolution
when thou breaketh apart
all fabricated realities,
as thou teareth apart all carefully woven illusion
into slivers and shreds,
as thou cracketh open the hardened shell
o' erected barriers,
to bring forth the
Ascension,
overdue and catalysmic,
to reveal that magnificent
Essence of Spirit,
and reveal it unto itself.

Sacrosanct

In my folly,
I declined my right to a solitary rose,
and chose to remain a solitary reaper
of that which I had sown,
in the moment and even afore
my present incarnation.

I shunned a marriage enfolded
in His compassion and mercy.

Sacrosanct

Merging, healing,
mutual and tender,
a third bloom,
imbuing the cosmos with
the delicate scent
of
ultimate Union.

T'was too mundane an occurrence for me.

Love was forbidden.
She could not allow herself to partake of it.

Her imagined strength
lay in her solitary existence.

Quelle erreur!

This ordinary romance could not compare to
the intensely possessive,
jealous,
vengeful love affair
of self-abuse and unfathomable disconnect
I had co-created with my dark paramour,
who ravaged me from the very core of my being,
chewed me up and spit me out,
who had carefully wiped blank any remnant spark o' life
behind these eyes o' mine,
flung me into a chasmic void,
filled with those oft-mentioned scorpions and beasts of horror.


Whimpering, bedraggled, supine
with bleeding wrists.

The empty, sunken eye sockets
saw nothing.

Empty hours and days,
spent underneath a sun that couldn't
warm that miserable, shrunken and unused appendage,
my nebulous heart.

Some say I luxuriated in this.

I concur,
and I also beg to differ.


Sacrosanct

She had nothing to offer him.

She saw herself from afar;
she experienced herself from within,
and she knew that he could not love this...

Thing.

A bare husk of a girl,
clutching
onto anything that would bring her
back
to living her life
instead of existing it.

Sacrosanct

He woke me up to myself.

Against my will and my reasoning,
he set my soul, my entire Being,

a b l a z e.

My lips remembered how to smile
and they gently whispered his name
into the receptive night sky,
sharing my unexpected fortune with
the myriad points
through which Thy Light shines through.

My eyes beamed ether and rose quartz
unto anyone who came under my
catalytic and doe-eyed gaze.

I embodied Love.


His love? Thy love?
'Tis all but one, n'est-ce pas?

I discovered a heart, my heart.
Pulsating.
The fluttering wings of
an essential, core missing piece of my Being
that finally answered my call and made its way

H o m e.


Click.

The pieces fit.
An almost-perfect fit.

Wholeness,
peace,
fullness,
merging,
melding,
fusion,
expansion,
containment.

Home.

I came home,
to him.

As for he, I cannot say...
What part I played in this cosmic game,
Thou keepeth it hidden still.

T'was solely me who chose this
Awakening,
the unfurling of
my hedgehog heart.

T'was solely me who
needed to grow,
to devote,
to love in a manner that
begets description.

To love indiscriminately,
Infinitely.

I chose to experience the abandonment,
the rejection by a first love,
a mere mortal,
a humble creature
lovingly fashioned and chosen for me
by Thee,

so as to
Understand.

It is Thou who matters, not him.

Never him.
Never any of them.

But it is him I worshipped, not Thou.

He has no control over his faith in Thee,
nor over his next breath.

He could not force himself to feel
that which he did not,
just as I could not force myself to not feel
that which I did.

Thou nurtured me before any of this
existed.

How does one forget this simple truth?

Surely Thou hast forgiven me for this idolatry by now?

Sacrosanct

O carefully guarded heart o' mine,
It now wants to be seen.
It wants to shine His love
unselfishly, unguardedly,
expansively.

O Lover, love Thyself,
O Healer, heal Thyself.

Sacrosanct

Nothing is sacred anymore.

All that was
is now done and dusted,
irrelevant,
forever archived in the Mythology, Fantasy and
Harsh Learnings sections
of my personal Akashic records.

All evidence is deleted,
all fondness, attraction,
trust, hope and
connection...
Retracted.
Voided.
Dissolved.

Wisps.

Wisps of...
Wisps of...

Only wisps.

Did it even happen? I ask myself.
Why should it happen?
To someone like me?
A Nothing.
Untouchable.
Undesirable.
Unlovable.

"You chose to remain unknown.
You accused the world of making you unlovable,
Without removing the
barriers to love you had
erected within yourself.

He, a microcosm of the world,
reflected that which
you thought you were worth.

Detachment,
rejection,
disrespect,
harshness,
cruelty,
disconnect.

And there is no blame,
all is perfect.

Your pain is perfect.
The words inscribed upon this page are perfect.
The lump in your throat,
perfect.

Your remorse, your forgiveness,
your Love,
Divine."

I shall curl underneath your e'er-reaching branches, o tree o' mine,
On some future day.

And perhaps dream of yet another beau,
ponder upon a life of little purpose,
envision pilgrimages to the cloistered tombs,
or gaze one again at the azure,
seeking Him without,
when He is only to be found
within.

Dreaming,
pining, wistful,
obsessed,
killing off
bits of my Essence
for anything that is
out of reach.

For it is all without,
and not within.

For everything else that has the essence
of prosperity and lushness,
of Life.
Of normality,
of the comforting sense of the mundane.
To bring me back to myself to this earthly existence,
And leave alone those
Astral explorations
Of which I am only barely aware.

They say my loneliness is
a construct, or
the result of karmic leaking.

I concur,
and I also beg to differ.

I complain to Thee about my loneliness.

Allow me to merge with Thee,
so I can forget myself,
forget them.

I need to forget him.
Show me how to forget him!

Sanctify my tears.

I weep now,
only for Thee.
I tremble now,
for Thee alone.

My relationship with Thee
is sacrosanct.

Ah, Madame Ladybug flies away.

My heart feels the void
once more.

Once more, I am alone
with Thee
under this tree.

And then, gently, my loneliness dissipates.

Yet another illusion,
up in smoke.

For the one who has gained Thee,
what has she lost?
And for the one who has lost Thee,
what has she gained?

Sacrosanct
Sacrosanct
Sacrosanct

'Tis done.