If I could find the time to find the Tarot deck I have hiding somewhere in my room, I am sure that I would have pulled out the Tower card today.
My Beloved creator, what secrets do You hide and then reveal, smashing it all up?
I thought I was in a good place. But then I realise that this ego of mine ensures that I delay every single good, healing session or action, it blocks it. I forget, or I distract myself by writing to strangers on Twin Flame forums, trying to persuade them to let go of their misconceptions, or on LinkedIn, trying to find some positive networking opportunity that would bring me my abundance.
It's all a smoke screen. Living weekend to weekend, not having souls friendships on which to lean on for love and support, not even BEING that friend myself because I can't cope, and most people I meet, I see their souls and the light and love, but that doesn't mean that there is a real connection.
My routine was changed for me in December and January. Majorly crippling flu that made me go a bit nuts. But at least it allowed me to book all the healing sessions that I have been denying myself.
And, the revelations. This is the second weekend my body feels as though a truck slammed into it. So much old crap that is stuck in my body. I can't speak for anyone else because our experiences are so varied. But my own body, my heart, my mind, my soul...
I've also finally removed enough to get things going. Finally sourced some plant medicine, need to journal every day.
I can divorce myself from the emotions and still see things from the condor's perspective. From soul perspective. This really is just ONE of my incarnations. It feels like this is the "s**t clearing" incarnation. That's all I've been doing, a lot of hard graft and little fun. Leaking energy, healing others through my life and my body and my mind. Portals, and all that stuff that I don't even have a conscious awareness of, eight years after superficially waking up.
I had a really awful panic attack at work on Friday, and that was a very humbling experience, because it was over a really silly mistake I made, and I judged myself and felt so much same. It was also in front of three colleagues of mine, which increased my shame.
I thought I was going to make a new friend, but the experience just showed me to have compassion for myself, the other person and circumstances, and to trust my radar.
These distractions are very valuable learning experiences, and luckily I don't even have to leave home and meet people whilst having them. This is such an introverted time for me, a time of massive self reflection and healing.
People are feeling the pushes and the discomfort, but most still distract and don't have an idea what's going on.
I heard about someone having just lost two young male friends to suicide over the Christmas period. The men are struggling a lot with the stuff, but so are the women.
It's no longer a gendered phenomenon, it's about who has the courage to heal and who doesn't.
I don't, I didn't, and then something awful or humiliating occurs, and I have to put my inner child back in focus. My self love in focus.
Sheru
Lion is a film. It is a divine film. It is a healing film. I began watching it on Wednesday, and cried and cried. It triggered something so raw inside of myself. Children are going through so much, as are the adults.
Now.
In 2019.
Now.
Then I had another Emotion Code session with my practitioner, and my inner child showed her a lot of things very traumatic past life that hadn't healed up until now.
Egypt, child, parents just dumped me in the street as a child and abandoned me. And I had to somehow survive. The police and adults tormented me, tortured me, harassed me, and I died of starvation. This is the second lifetime in Egypt, the first was with Imran - caused a lot of chaos, and died alone - again.
I'm crying as I write this.
It explains a lot about my fears. About being abandoned.
It explains why I used to be devastated every time someone left my life, friends, lovers.
Why I have closed my heart so much, I can't see beyond my pain.
Why I'm always scared of being poor and dying on the street.
Why I cry when I see that this stuff is being repeated daily in this insane planet.
Why I haven't felt safe anywhere on this planet, except in Najaf and Kerbala.
No child should still be going through this. No adult.
And now my life path has become much clearer.
I will work with the children, purely doing the healing work. Clear the emotions as I see them attach, so no one is living the life of a 34 year old but following traumas from birth onwards. Or past lives onwards.
There is now no need for it.
Anyway, what I must stress to the healers and the female twin flames, is please can we get over ourselves as far as the wound about being played a fool by a man or woman? Please can we?
There are bigger fish to fry. All souls are one soul. All of us are one soul. All of us are from the same Creator and we need to do what we came here to do.
I would personally recommend Emotion Code as a good way to clear, and also Jane Ward as the healer. She's amazing, and very affordable compared to others equally good but expensive.
I now have to end, as the processing of this healing is continuing. I must sleep and heal.
I am grateful for this burden being taken away from me, my heart feels lighter, I am able to channel information a lot better, and I was able to do some shopping even though I did freak out towards the end.
Do the healing work until the time you are free. Commit to YOURSELF like no lover ever has or will do.
And be compassionate to all those who aren't on this same path, and those who will not choose to do this.
Because, it ain't easy. And I have noticed that souls have chosen easier and more flowing lives because they wanted a break to enjoy life. And sometimes be obnoxious as a result.
Today, after such a long time, I felt my essence creep back within me, and expel itself outwards.
I have felt so tired for so long.
So very long.
It seems that the path of the mystic begins in utter forgetfulness, and repeats the same in this world of utter chaos and confusion.
I was sitting on the bus this morning, with the sunlight streaming through the dirty, unwashed windows. For the last few weeks, my senses have been heightened and I can't stand the sounds of other people talking in rough tones. Everywhere I find myself, I feel that the experience is burden to my soul. A necessary evil. The constraints are coming back to cloak me.
And in that sunlight, I saw the dust specks that float around in our environment. And there is something about not having any control over our environment that brings a soul to question their Creator: is this really what I came here for?
A long list of people's names and faces float in front of my eyes, teaching me that no matter how badly I desired connection, or the experience of romance or friendship, no amount of forcing things ever made it occur. And when I forced things, they ended up being pale and corrupted versions of what I originally wished to create.
On my way home, I took the bus I rarely take as I needed a different route "home", a different point of view, a different outcome. I need to wash myself off of the crap I have taken on during the day.
I got off the bus alongside a bunch of people who live in my neighbourhood, yet we lead entirely separate and secluded lives. I went in the direction that was not the same as theirs, into the long seeded grasses of the common.
I touched and kissed the buttercups, and breathed in the liquid green healing that was available to my really exhausted soul. My feet began to dance as they struck the dry, cracked earthened track...
And I remembered my time in Uzumlu, walking with an older gentleman who was like my grandfather, and who had recently departed from this plane.
They were walks that I took and he tired to help me in his own way, yet once we were back in London, my demons took over and I never once sent him a text or rang him.
And now he is forever gone, and all I have is an apology to his soul for not honouring the connection.
The sunlight is peeling my skin apart, and peeling apart the egoic structures.
I had opened my heart last week and allowed the initiation to take place, to trust in Love and in Sacred God Light and in God.
And now my heart is closed again... and I pray each day for it to open again.
The past is now most definitely the past, yet the sadness and the disappointment is still stuck in this foolish heart of mine, and so I eat sugar as though my life depended upon it.
Trust me to be my own worst enemy. And it is taking a lot of me to come to terms with what i have been doing with myself to ensure that I remain in a painful state.
Family have shown me that they can not be trusted to treat me with respect and true love as I somehow expected and anticipated from them.
What is a relief, and a mystery, is that the person I thought was my twin flame, my Manu, and the one I assumed I would always have strong and passionate feelings for, has gone entirely from my heart. It is disappointing from the point of view of my soul's development, as the aim to to love every single bit of Life as God, but from another point of view, having entirely neutral or no feelings at all is the biggest breakthrough. I can't even conjure up his face in my mind's eye any longer, nor his energy with mine as I lie to go to sleep.
It is as though he no longer exists at all now in my personal world.
I suppose that is the only way I can move on with my life, to thrive, to survive. Because, facing the ugly fact, he both made and broke me. A million times.
And as for the other two, there is not really much point in dragging on hopeless scenarios. Married men will remain happily married with children, and nothing I pray for or imagine or hope will manifest. They don't love me enough
... and there is a huge blessing in that.
I am slowly becoming an automaton in the workplace and I must find a solution and a way out.
It is severely disappointing to me that once again I will not complete a course and certification due to life and my ill health.
I've just gotten bored with everything that everyone has to say. Any harm that comes to me, and trust me it comes to me daily, is looked upon with a weariness and a studied avoidance. No matter how much I avoid being around people and cars, they find a way to interfere with my journey and almost run me over and kill me. Almost daily now. Just like I miss the bus to work daily.
I read something really precious in the book I have in front of me... "The Knowing Heart" by Kabir Helminski, and it talks about surrender and submission of one's will and taking everything as a true gift.
Every smite, difficulty, everything.
I feel that in my quest to find real teachings and teachers, I have still come up with cold air and the whispers of a sweet, masculine, American (but not Texan) voice on a freezing cold night driving back to Richmond Hill from Niagara Falls.
My mind had been upset and attacked for the preceding days, I had experienced two major panic attacks in someone else's use, and I had to somehow maintain my dignity amongst clueless relatives. it was tough.
"Well, may I be blunt?"
"Sure."
"The problem is that you haven't submitted fully to God. You keep talking in terms of I."
And I have had to view that uncomfortable truth straight in the eye. Every single day.
But, it takes time to get to that state, my dear majnoon brother. (Making you my brother will be a lot easier for my soul to bear than the original desire).
And you have been blessed with that state after all of your self discipline and dedication.
I have not done that for myself as yet, and so I am learning to move forward.
It is beautiful to be in the presence of someone with such a calming, loving energy flooding through their entire system. I didn't have to be speaking to him (and trust me, he didn't feel like talking to me most of the time). I just craved to be in the same auric field as his, and so I took all opportunities to do that, including staying up late into the night whilst they talked about kryptocurrency, and athiests and agnostics, and then I felt more grounded and safer. At "home". Embraced, and comforted.
At the time, I assumed it was him I was after, and for the last two years since we met, I assumed that would give my soul the peace it was seeking.
But we always mistake the vessel, the pottery, for the true authentic Source of energy.
God then breaks the pottery, makes it so very flawed and mean and avoidant, that He returns you back to the Source. God loves us too much to let us remain in delusion for that long. Especially if we are sincere in our seeking, and our in our light.
But what sincerity is, is different to each soul. Remember Moses and the shepherd, always. We each have been that Shepherd, and Moses, and Khidhr, and all of them. We are all One. We just need to remember.
But it takes experience and a certain level of growth to see Truth with clarity and immediacy. A lot of solitude and reflection - so that one doesn't begin hating the one we love, but seeing them as unable to love back in the same manner. It is not their role to appease any insecurities, but to unpick and unravel our tapestry of self deceit as to allow all the maggots to come to the surface, and gnaw the false sense of self into dust.
How vulnerable it feels to be thrown back to the ground again, to get up and look around and find oneself in the same position one was 8 long years ago. The same words reverberating in ones ears, the same fears making us have sleepless nights.
And yet...
Even those closer to God than you will disappoint. He went off on his journeys to visit spiritual friends, and never thought to take me. And I never had expectations, but I suppose the fact he said in the very end that it had been a possibility is what was so humbling, and so disappointing.
The God I have faith in doesn't play games, but human egos play those games.
Nonetheless, that conversation, alongwith the driving and the love, healed something that had been sucking my energy dry. It was another one of those awful entities, and trust me, I am so fed up of having to deal with them and remove them, and them coming back, and removing them yet again.
Whether I pick them up in these heaving cities of murkiness and energy leeching, or if I take them on from individuals when I empathise with them, it has not served me well. They attach to my throat, and i cannot express myself, they attach to my mind, and I think ugly thoughts.
I felt more like myself after the healing, It was very strong, and I was reeling with dizziness for a long time afterwards, but still stuck as a guest in someone else's Pakistani home, and therefore having to respond "normally" like others, instead of the lost, wandering, gypsy like soul that I house.
The one who could see me most was my mirror, and even he surprised me with his repressive and limited programming that he is still to question and address.
The masculine, Pakistani, Muslim programming that feels no qualms about two women being married to the same man AND sharing the same room. The programming that personalises historical and spiritual events, and thinks that prayers to remove blessings from the entire lineage of certain dark characters in Shi'a history is justified, and in the same breath prays for Palestine, Syria, and wants to heal the world.
The programming that somehow tells me to wear a headscarf, and that somehow that will aid me in my quest for liberation and a state of utter oneness with God.
Gender is truly a concept.
We came to make this damned planet into one whereby females are no longer harmed or controlled by masculine energy.
The wedding was probably the most normal human thing I have done in a long time. it would have been lovely, had it not also been such an empty experience for me. Just the wedding reception. A bunch of people in a room, waxed and painted and seated. No real introductions made, and I felt a bit nauseated and uncomfortable with having to make conversation with people who were not comfortable with my energy. I didn't know what to do with those encounters, and they left me feeling as though I had two left feet.
But that red velvet cake was good!
As was this kickass song I discovered at the mehendi
I know, the lyrics are demeaining, as is the really unimaginative video. I like the tune. It's good for Zumba workouts :p
And I come home from Canada with a buzz, only to find out that I was criticised behind my back by people who were sweet to my face - and about the most petty of matters. Showering for too long, and blatant lies about my not washing dishes enough - this is the extent that some people see me as. An unreliable dishwasher. Not as an invited, honoured guest in the house (alongside 13 other people), or a loved, treasured niece. If I ever felt like a second cousin, it was in that house.
At the end of it, once I process the hurt my ego feels, I will accept that we don't have to be likeable to the majority of people. And we will be lied to, and betrayed by people who will be the most loving people to others. Something in us triggers off that darkness.
When this happens often enough, and in my experience, it always has, it is better to be alone in this case.
Rule 6, 40 Rules of Love by Shems Tebrizi Loneliness and solitude are two different things. When you are
lonely, it is easy to delude yourself into believing that you are on the
right path. Solitude is better for us, as it means being alone without
feeling lonely. But eventually it is the best to find a person who will
be your mirror. Remember only in another person’s heart can you truly
see yourself and the presence of God within you.
And my mirrors have all gone off, becoming memories of the past.And I will no longer carry the past upon my shoulders like a huge burden.
It was what it was. I did what I did, they said what they said.
My delusions are continuously blown up in my face, until I surrender to Thee.
And not have any false beliefs or delusions about my fellow humans, and their capacity for unconditional love. We all are still clearing our muck.
It looks really ugly, and I'm going through the motions due to lack of any other choices at this time.
And yet, when the joy hits, I become One with Self and with Thee
One
is truly fortunate to not hold any importance in the lives of others.
There is no grip, no hold - the soul is free and unhindered. Being
anonymous is the greatest glory the divine gives to those who know.
One is even more fortunate to not hold onto others, and this takes
lifetimes to master. Not to be insensitive, or unkind - but to not take
it all on and make it ours. To let it go back to where it belongs.
To
not harm, and to not be harmed.
To allow and be expansive.
And kind. Generous.
For the one trapped and enmeshed with others will personalise a life that was never meant to be personal.
We all go through exactly the same process, just the timing is
different. Yet we always feel the pain of our own lives the most, and
that of others the least because it didn't happen in our body.
Now, how does one instruct a stubborn ego to submit to this truth?
You came here in service, therefore whatever life and the world does to
you is justified, as long as it's not abuse, and you don't cling on to
things. Not even to your own opinion about your own life. And that
craving you feel to justify, to defend, to cut down - cease it.
I
came across a very interesting passage today about "hothouse
enlightenment" and how someone can be granted great powers of insight
and intuition and psychic ability, and yet you wouldn't trust that
person to babysit your children (or, as I like to say in dramatic tones,
"save me from a fiery death.").
Let us today let all of them go,
to learn their own lesson.
We created these "monsters" to tear us down -
otherwise, we might have become like them. It isn't acceptable to the
ego, but to the eternal soul, all of these experiences are necessary.
Which is why WE create them. There is some pattern of logic to it.
May I learn my lesson allowing generosity to always be constant, and to not shrivel under personal hurts.
There's no great glory in being more enlightened or "older" than
another soul. All that means is the life intensity will increase, and
more **** will happen to test and mold you.
The higher you go, the more refinement is required for the soul, so every speck of dirt is squeezed out.
I present to thee organic enlightenment.
Karachi, 2014, a poor stray kitten paralysed and starving - did my best, but it was never enough because of being under so much darkness at the time. Shitloads of fear. I hope she forgives me. I hope all the animals forgive me my mistakes, fears, and greed.
And I ask for the ability to provide the small necessities to those in need, like food, shelter, warmth, love, reality.
“Greetings. We are the Arcturian Council. We are pleased to connect with all of you.
In the awakening process, you usually encounter some resistance from outside of you. This may come from friends or family members. It may be that you are leaving behind a faith and those who still believe in that particular faith are upset. Whoever it is that is resisting your awakening process, they are doing so because you asked them to before you incarnated.
You wanted to have a voice of dissent in your circle because you need that in order to solidify what you are moving towards. Sometimes you need someone else to resist you so that you can dig in your heels and be absolutely certain that you are moving in the right direction for you. You don’t have to take anyone with you on your journey, but many of you want to bring your friends and family members along because it can be a lonely ride.
You can find yourself wanting to connect with other individuals who know what you know, and it may be challenging for you to locate those individuals, especially if you live in a small town. Again, the process of awakening as an individual is something that you choose to do in spite of the opposition. Even though it would be easier for you just to remain as you were before your awakening, and it would be easier to fit in, you must be certain that you are on the right path for you.
If it were easy to believe what you believe because it was some sort of trend, then it would also be easy for you to abandon it. The sacrifices that you make to be different are necessary for you to be certain that you are following something that is coming from within you, something undeniable.
Your awakening can be messy and challenging, and can leave you feeling alone, rejected, and abandoned. But what you gain in the process is so worth it. You gain more of yourself. You gain a deeper connection to Source, to the universe, and to all of the other beings who are awakened within it. You create a network that spans the globe, creating a grid of energy so that others may join you when they are ready.
We are the Arcturian Council, and we have enjoyed connecting with you.”
No matter how many people's worlds fall apart in front of your eyes
And no matter how many people tell you they are afraid
Always know they are being helped
And take a few steps back, pause, ask if you are needed.
If you are still plugging holes in your own void, there is no way in hell your energy will help them.
Your words will fall flat and it will seem that both of you wasted a lot of time.
But even when you make those mistakes that harm your soul, if somehow
your care and love relieved their burden for a few minutes. then it was
God's appointment. There was no one else at the time, so you were
chosen.
But always give them their burdens back. Or give the burdens to God.
Do not carry with them into your heart, so that you lose your sleep. Most of us know this by now, there is just one person this is an instruction to...
The best instruction is that done in silence and in remembrance of the
dust that is the humble vessel of the magnificent Soul.... There are lessons in speaking our truths - for each and every one of us. There are lessons in forgetting the truths we once knew - for each of us.
For me, this avatar known as Sukaina, I have to make peace with
learning and understanding in my core that I died when I was 18 and was
not given a manual to activate. At 33, I still do not have that manual
due to my state being similar for the last ten years.
We die
every night. We must intend to die every night. For if we don't, we
carry the residue of our meagre selves with us. We remember things we
were better off forgetting.
We maintain attachments out of fear and lack of understanding.
There is great freedom in dying to ourselves every night, every day, every breath....
We were not created nor were we incarnated to remain imprisoned.
Not in this era.
It is so difficult and yet, when you die with every breath, you
surrender that part of you that has obscured Your Light from You.
Your eyes see better, your breast doesn't have the urge to hold convictions and defend them to the death.
Other people's happy endings mean more to you than your own. When another's successes are as satisfying to you as your own, you know you have succeeded a little more in dissolving.
You look at the state of your own existence, to every single obstacle
and failing and say, "Praise be to the Creator Who has ensured that I
face such obstacles."
You die. You do die. It is just a matter of when and how.
There are parts that continue to fight.
There are parts that are still feeling the void.
Within everything, there is such a sweet lesson that it breaks my heart and tears fall upon the cheeks in silence.
So much ugliness and beauty. So much separation and connection.
One day I feel as though all odds are against me
Another day, people are being catalysed once again beyond my intentions.
There truly is only power when the divine is allowed to take over.
And when there is stuckness, that has to be accepted as another form of spiritual training.
At some point, balance will be maintained forever.
But the soul must be allowed to express itself, within the sacred
boundaries. To refuse any soul their expression is to deny them their
grace. Even when it is something you would rather not hear.
Walk away, bow your head - the words will miss you.
For only the souls who are still in separation are aware of it. If you
feel that the sacred soul in front of you is somehow in need of poking and prodding, make sure you
double check the soul contract first.
For none of us are truly free from the mistakes of correcting another. It is such an old pattern that the helpers within us carry.
Sight is granted organically, hearing is too.
We can only share our own experiences, all of which can never truly be experienced by anyone other than us. Just ask for light and for relief. It is granted. It is always granted.
Even when you asked for a challenging life.
Nothing is static and all existences are now.
Tap into the ease and the self love and empowerment.
The body, the mind, the money issues will all heal.
You may need to allow your heart to grieve again, though. That was a divine bond that was interfered with and then ruthlessly cut away.
I had to listen to this twice to actually comprehend that someone who
is teaching spiritual truths actually went so far to tell us how much
we are loved and deserve to be here.
With such authority.
Of course, I'm feeling a lot better than I have for a month or so. So it sinks in much deeper.
My skin is vibrating, my heart is feeling relief. My soul feels immense relief.
I will allow you to just take this in and absorb it. My words are failing me currently.
is it then you realise the energy
you invested in another
was better invested in yourself?
And you drag yourself up
to make another cup of tea
that you will forget yet again on the counter
and drink in the lukewarm contents
hours after you first brewed it
Whilst your soul brothers and sisters
Let go of all worldly pleasures for the day
To focus upon their Lord
And yet your adrenals won't allow you this.
The major solstice has passed me by yet another year.
The body was a wreck
The friends left, one by one
And I am here,
With my thoughts
It is best
To pull myself out of these thoughts
And act
Any energy invested back in me
Is energy invested back in me
When this soul learns that no one really needs her
Yet she still must help without any signature
And perfecting the fine art of balance
Of being there for herself
And being kind to another
She will have learned yet another thing
Only for someone who is wiser than her
To smash that reality
bringing her back
to her original state
of utter mess
and
c
o
n
f
u
s
i
o
n
Let go of the self importance
Come back to yourself
There is no delineation
Between the truth and the fiction
All this while you sought in others
And all this while the others were as confused,
and as grasping and as disingenuous as you yourself
The pain is real and needed
The missed opportunities allow you the acceptance of youself
That no other will ever give you
But do not harden your heart again, little one.
Open it up more
And then God will speak t you through it somehow.
There are too many words flying around the earth these days
We command silence for fifteen days, to reset your balance
To cleans all the old unfinished business
You are correct.
you weren't sent here to agonise about the demarcations between
a twin flame,
a twin soul,
a soul mate....
not to go through clearing after clearing of the same man
whose brown eyes sear into your soul
Do you barter your worth for all of this
fluff?
You gave yourself away,
prostituted your soul
to father, mother
sister, brother,
lover,
the animals,
the politicians,
whose words and rhetoric grate
against your ears
You also gave it all away to your
gurus
And that was the deepest of pains,
The most knowledgeable of all learnings
Is to realise the truth of Ali
when he said that to feel both superior
and inferior is harmful for the soul.
When one feels inferior,
they cannot create.
People use them,
the ones who see their value.
And you also ended up using others
as you have in other
existences.
