2020: the year we MUST end all damaging contracts

So, it has happened that three years down the line, after removing myself physically from a damaging cult that made itself look benign, and even created it's own web hyperlink called wwe, I was still very much under the curse and contracts of that person.

I can't say anything further (forbidden words and thoughts) without risking being sued for libel. All the experiences are spiritual and energetic, and cannot be proved.

But the people who have helped me, I trust their information.

And this is why we MUST end all our damaging contracts that we made to ourselves.

The contracts are made at different points:

1) at birth
2) at conception or before conception
3) in between lives
4) past lives
5) present lives, at a younger or older age
6) fall from grace
7) at the time the world was created

and many other points, since time is not linear.

What kind of life damaging vows do we make to ourselves?

I have a theory that as souls, we aren't hat intelligent about life on Earth. And if we don't learn from the foolishness of previous lives, we perpetuate the same suffering in the current and future lives.

Certain vows I still have in place:

1) I am strong enough to handle all the suffering and pain without any help (I am not)
2) I am strong to not have friends (real ones)
3) I will not have a romantic partner, and will constantly pine after people who don't care about me
4) I am codependent
5) Blocks to positive living, money, prosperity, career, aspirations
6) I will be abused by clueless people
7) I will be trapped and have to live in a place that is harmful to me (London)
8) I will delay my healing and not see

There are many others.

It is a huge, shocking revelation to really see my darkness, the complicated ways I have ensured myself a miserable experience. I allowed others to do the same, by giving away my power of discernment, to think... the codependency cords were too strong.

It began from my parents, and then friends, and then more friends, and then a false guru who pretended to be a genuine person and cared about my well being.

Even now, I find myself meeting people who are not right for me. Something in me does not notice the red flags or the inconsistencies. My empathy overrides all logic and understanding.

The younger versions in need of a safe environment and sane, awake people seem to project this onto people based on religion (I am of Muslim upbringing), ethnicity (Pakistanis - not the best thing to do - knowing Urdu doesn't make for a pure soul), mothering energy (nopes, this has proven to be very conditional - people already made their families and became mothers to give that love to their own offspring, not to me), fathering energy (same thing), brother, sister, grandmother (same thing), nationality (I have very few real friends who are living in London - something about London specifically - the western way).

Yesterday was a bad day for me. The loneliness was eating me up inside.

Why do I repel people and invite constant disappointments and betrayals?

And the answer came: subconsciously, I never have fully changed the belief that I am worthless, not deserving of the good things in life. Not deserving of love, loyalty, affection, real genuine love... not worth of receiving without the automatic reaction to give back straight away.

And this is why I have met the people I have met, and have made incorrect decisions.

This is why for 10 years, the NHS and all the GPs at the surgery I go to in Wimbledon have not cared for me and ensured I suffered and didn't get a disability care plan and the appropriate benefits. I felt like I was a scrounger.

Unfortunately, the power of David Cameron's toxic words became like a curse in my mind. Be very aware of the NLP techniques the Conservative Party representatives use to enure the population remains disempowered, starving, suffering, dying, homeless, whatever.

It hooks into our low self-esteem.

****

So I spent a good two hours (I wasn't able to concentrate) on Divine Healing Level 1, surfacing the limiting beliefs and key psychological conflicts.

I can reach my highest potential / I cannot reach my highest potential.

And this is another reason for the despair. Subconsciously, because I feel like an utter failure, I had this conflict.

And this is EXACTLY the reason why this year, in the NOW, we MUST end all damaging contracts we made to ourselves and others.

They are utter lies and they are harming us more each day we keep them under wraps, not even knowing we have them.

A lot of them are inherited in the womb, when we were being formed inside, as well.

A lot of the New Age stuff is suspect only because people found another thing to make into a commodity. Most of these people leave a sick feeling in my stomach. Now I know WHY.

Healing and connection to God and self should NEVER be a commodity.

I was paying £300 a month to this cult leader. She made each of us sign a legal contract, and persuaded us with gentle cooing words, and Tony Robbins style of making you feel like a fool for not doing so.

And she will never give it back to me.

And this is someone I loaned £1,000 for her house rent in the beginning. Only because I was too depressed to take a Divine Healing Course then which would probably have changed the entire trajectory of my life.

There was one weekend event, and I and two other participants vomited the entire day as a result of the dark energies that were being used in January 2016. I didn't call an ambulance, not a single person working for her called for ambulance, and she didn't allow me to call for one afterwards, she pretended it was "father healing". Oh, had I the aqal to know what was really going on.

Psychopathic and sociopathic behaviour comes with immense charm. Please, remember this.

But it is what it is.

For someone who was earning £800 a month, I have NO IDEA HOW I assumed that £300 a month was justified.

I'm slowly trying to reconcile and say that I paid for the house keeper she kept, so that innocent soul could pay her rent or electric bills.

___

I know you don't know me, and I have no medical or mental health qualifications.

The only thing I have is lived experience.

And, right now,that's all I have going for me.

I'm still alive. And one day, I will be formalising all of this to help others in a VERY real way.


____

Divine Creator,

We align fully with our higher selves and our inner wisdom.

We ask for deep, profound healing for (enter your name) with Grace and Power in the perfect time of NOW (and you can also add a specific date for 5 or 10 years earlier).

Show each of us exactly the correct and aligned healing pathway to clear all the lies, subconscious beliefs, programming, and blocks that no longer serve me/us.

Remove from us the pattern of being entirely financially and legally dependent on a corrupt governments.

Bring to light this year all the people who are deceiving traumatised humans by making spirituality a business for exploiting people and their money. It no longer serves any of us to remain in denial, blind to the realities, including that of viruses, fluoride, vaccines, pharmaceuticals, GMO foods, chem trails, child trafficking, and everything else on this immensely INSANE planet.

Make us aware of the implants in our brains, and the brainwashing. What the sheeple effect is.

Move us physically to the places which will truly serve the highest forms of healing.

Grant us genuine, loving, sane friends.

Grant us Grace after so much chaos.

Uncreate all the contracts, destroy them and replace with Light.

Ameen.

it is okay

i can't write much at the moment.

i am fighting something that feels a lot bigger and stronger than I am and even has bypassed God's laws because it remains hidden and unknown.

but it is okay.

what can one do?

sometimes the pain and the confusion and the devastation has to be felt.

i anticipate that i will get out of this and be able to help others who are going through similar.

or at least have my life back.

the second one is preferable.

the first option smells like codependency all over again.

The miracle of my Submission rests in Thy heart

Today, after such a long time, I felt my essence creep back within me, and expel itself outwards.

I have felt so tired for so long.

So very long.

It seems that the path of the mystic begins in utter forgetfulness, and repeats the same in this world of utter chaos and confusion.

I was sitting on the bus this morning, with the sunlight streaming through the dirty, unwashed windows. For the last few weeks, my senses have been heightened and I can't stand the sounds of other people talking in rough tones. Everywhere I find myself, I feel that the experience is burden to my soul. A necessary evil. The constraints are coming back to cloak me.

And in that sunlight, I saw the dust specks that float around in our environment. And there is something about not having any control over our environment that brings a soul to question their Creator: is this really what I came here for?

A long list of people's names and faces float in front of my eyes, teaching me that no matter how badly I desired connection, or the experience of romance or friendship, no amount of forcing things ever made it occur. And when I forced things, they ended up being pale and corrupted versions of what I originally wished to create.

On my way home, I took the bus I rarely take as I needed a different route "home", a different point of view, a different outcome. I need to wash myself off of the crap I have taken on during the day.

I got off the bus alongside a bunch of people who live in my neighbourhood, yet we lead entirely separate and secluded lives. I went in the direction that was not the same as theirs, into the long seeded grasses of the common.

I touched and kissed the buttercups, and breathed in the liquid green healing that was available to my really exhausted soul. My feet began to dance as they struck the dry, cracked earthened track...

And I remembered my time in Uzumlu, walking with an older gentleman who was like my grandfather, and who had recently departed from this plane.

They were walks that I took and he tired to help me in his own way, yet once we were back in London, my demons took over and I never once sent him a text or rang him.

And now he is forever gone, and all I have is an apology to his soul for not honouring the connection.



The sunlight is peeling my skin apart, and peeling apart the egoic structures.

I had opened my heart last week and allowed the initiation to take place, to trust in Love and in Sacred God Light and in God.

And now my heart is closed again... and I pray each day for it to open again.

The past is now most definitely the past, yet the sadness and the disappointment is still stuck in this foolish heart of mine, and so I eat sugar as though my life depended upon it.

Trust me to be my own worst enemy. And it is taking a lot of me to come to terms with what i have been doing with myself to ensure that I remain in a painful state.

Family have shown me that they can not be trusted to treat me with respect and true love as I somehow expected and anticipated from them.

What is a relief, and a mystery, is that the person I thought was my twin flame, my Manu, and the one I assumed I would always have strong and passionate feelings for, has gone entirely from my heart. It is disappointing from the point of view of my soul's development, as the aim to to love every single bit of Life as God, but from another point of view, having entirely neutral or no feelings at all is the biggest breakthrough. I can't even conjure up his face in my mind's eye any longer, nor his energy with mine as I lie to go to sleep.

It is as though he no longer exists at all now in my personal world.

I suppose that is the only way I can move on with my life, to thrive, to survive. Because, facing the ugly fact, he both made and broke me. A million times.

And as for the other two, there is not really much point in dragging on hopeless scenarios. Married men will remain happily married with children, and nothing I pray for or imagine or hope will manifest. They don't love me enough

... and there is a huge blessing in that.

I am slowly becoming an automaton in the workplace and I must find a solution and a way out.

It is severely disappointing to me that once again I will not complete a course and certification due to life and my ill health.

I've just gotten bored with everything that everyone has to say. Any harm that comes to me, and trust me it comes to me daily, is looked upon with a weariness and a studied avoidance. No matter how much I avoid being around people and cars, they find a way to interfere with my journey and almost run me over and kill me. Almost daily now. Just like I miss the bus to work daily.


I read something really precious in the book I have in front of me... "The Knowing Heart" by Kabir Helminski, and it talks about surrender and submission of one's will and taking everything as a true gift.

Every smite, difficulty, everything.

I feel that in my quest to find real teachings and teachers, I have still come up with cold air and the whispers of a sweet, masculine, American (but not Texan) voice on a freezing cold night driving back to Richmond Hill from Niagara Falls.

My mind had been upset and attacked for the preceding days, I had experienced two major panic attacks in someone else's use, and I had to somehow maintain my dignity amongst clueless relatives. it was tough.

"Well, may I be blunt?"

"Sure."

"The problem is that you haven't submitted fully to God. You keep talking in terms of I."

And I have had to view that uncomfortable truth straight in the eye. Every single day.

But, it takes time to get to that state, my dear majnoon brother. (Making you my brother will be a lot easier for my soul to bear than the original desire).

And you have been blessed with that state after all of your self discipline and dedication.

I have not done that for myself as yet, and so I am learning to move forward.

It is beautiful to be in the presence of someone with such a calming, loving energy flooding through their entire system. I didn't have to be speaking to him (and trust me, he didn't feel like talking to me most of the time). I just craved to be in the same auric field as his, and so I took all opportunities to do that, including staying up late into the night whilst they talked about kryptocurrency, and athiests and agnostics, and then I felt more grounded and safer. At "home". Embraced, and comforted.

At the time, I assumed it was him I was after, and for the last two years since we met, I assumed that would give my soul the peace it was seeking.

But we always mistake the vessel, the pottery, for the true authentic Source of energy.

God then breaks the pottery, makes it so very flawed and mean and avoidant, that He returns you back to the Source. God loves us too much to let us remain in delusion for that long. Especially if we are sincere in our seeking, and our in our light.

But what sincerity is, is different to each soul. Remember Moses and the shepherd, always. We each have been that Shepherd, and Moses, and Khidhr, and all of them. We are all One. We just need to remember.

But it takes experience and a certain level of growth to see Truth with clarity and immediacy. A lot of solitude and reflection - so that one doesn't begin hating the one we love, but seeing them as unable to love back in the same manner. It is not their role to appease any insecurities, but to unpick and unravel our tapestry of self deceit as to allow all the maggots to come to the surface, and gnaw the false sense of self into dust.

How vulnerable it feels to be thrown back to the ground again, to get up and look around and find oneself in the same position one was 8 long years ago. The same words reverberating in ones ears, the same fears making us have sleepless nights.

And yet...

Even those closer to God than you will disappoint. He went off on his journeys to visit spiritual friends, and never thought to take me. And I never had expectations, but I suppose the fact he said in the very end that it had been a possibility is what was so humbling, and so disappointing.

The God I have faith in doesn't play games, but human egos play those games.

Nonetheless, that conversation, alongwith the driving and the love, healed something that had been sucking my energy dry. It was another one of those awful entities, and trust me, I am so fed up of having to deal with them and remove them, and them coming back, and removing them yet again.

Whether I pick them up in these heaving cities of murkiness and energy leeching, or if I take them on from individuals when I empathise with them, it has not served me well. They attach to my throat, and i cannot express myself, they attach to my mind, and I think ugly thoughts.

I felt more like myself after the healing, It was very strong, and I was reeling with dizziness for a long time afterwards, but still stuck as a guest in someone else's Pakistani home, and therefore having to respond "normally" like others, instead of the lost, wandering, gypsy like soul that I house.

The one who could see me most was my mirror, and even he surprised me with his repressive and limited programming that he is still to question and address.

The masculine, Pakistani, Muslim programming that feels no qualms about two women being married to the same man AND sharing the same room. The programming that personalises historical and spiritual events, and thinks that prayers to remove blessings from the entire lineage of certain dark characters in Shi'a history is justified, and in the same breath prays for Palestine, Syria, and wants to heal the world.

The programming that somehow tells me to wear a headscarf, and that somehow that will aid me in my quest for liberation and a state of utter oneness with God.

Gender is truly a concept.

We came to make this damned planet into one whereby females are no longer harmed or controlled by masculine energy.

The wedding was probably the most normal human thing I have done in a long time. it would have been lovely, had it not also been such an empty experience for me. Just the wedding reception. A bunch of people in a room, waxed and painted and seated. No real introductions made, and I felt a bit nauseated and uncomfortable with having to make conversation with people who were not comfortable with my energy. I didn't know what to do with those encounters, and they left me feeling as though I had two left feet.

But that red velvet cake was good!

As was this kickass song I discovered at the mehendi




I know, the lyrics are demeaining, as is the really unimaginative video. I like the tune. It's good for Zumba workouts :p

And I come home from Canada with a buzz, only to find out that I was criticised behind my back by people who were sweet to my face - and about the most petty of matters. Showering for too long, and blatant lies about my not washing dishes enough - this is the extent that some people see me as. An unreliable dishwasher. Not as an invited, honoured guest in the house (alongside 13 other people), or a loved, treasured niece. If I ever felt like a second cousin, it was in that house.

At the end of it, once I process the hurt my ego feels, I will accept that we don't have to be likeable to the majority of people. And we will be lied to, and betrayed by people who will be the most loving people to others. Something in us triggers off that darkness.

When this happens often enough, and in my experience, it always has, it is better to be alone in this case.

Rule 6, 40 Rules of Love by Shems Tebrizi

Loneliness and solitude are two different things. When you are lonely, it is easy to delude yourself into believing that you are on the right path. Solitude is better for us, as it means being alone without feeling lonely. But eventually it is the best to find a person who will be your mirror. Remember only in another person’s heart can you truly see yourself and the presence of God within you.

And my mirrors have all gone off, becoming memories of the past.And I will no longer carry the past upon my shoulders like a huge burden.

It was what it was. I did what I did, they said what they said.

My delusions are continuously blown up in my face, until I surrender to Thee.

And not have any false beliefs or delusions about my fellow humans, and their capacity for unconditional love. We all are still clearing our muck.

It looks really ugly, and I'm going through the motions due to lack of any other choices at this time.

And yet, when the joy hits, I become One with Self and with Thee

Water says, "How will you be made clean without me?"

Water says to the dirty, "Come here."
The dirty one says, "But I am so ashamed."
Water says, "How will you be made clean without me?"
Rumi, Mathnavi

~~~~~~~

You remove the thoughts that create a life form.

The energy comes back for a while, and you feel like your blood has become liquid gold for a while.

I have more energy.

Two days ago, with the precision of timing that only God has mastery over, and with my surrendering to my intuition, I met my soul mate whom I had not seen in 8 months due to his fears and blockages from his wife.

He apologised to me in very clear and detailed words. no running, no hiding behind a silent wall. I fell in love with him all over again (not that I had stopped). A perfect present... but there is nothing I can do. When someone gives away all of their power to their spouse, whereby she is checking his phone and emails, and doesn't allow you to experience the delicate nuances of human relationship. When he lacked the courage to text or call me in 8 months, and not really care how many nights I cried, or the pain that is still playing up every once in a while... well, then he isn't ready for me to be in his life.


As a friend.

I would never break up anyone's marriage or partnership (how egotistical is that thought? that someone else is the cause or source of my happiness or my peace), and this one obviously has been going very well for eleven years. They had their third child in September 2017.

I ain't that desperate for companionship (not any longer, that is).

I told him, "I know I deserve better."

This life teaches you that there are things that are more important than coupling. being okay with being alone, and being the main cause for this loneliness, for one.

The funny thing is I thought of him two days ago watching one of those YouTube videos about picking cards regarding exes. For him, the green crystals came up, as in he thought of me as a friend and was an angel in my life. All that is true.

But the love between us is so strong, I was surprised after 8 months, I still have exactly the same force of love and attraction and affection towards him. No change. As always, there was the electric charge that occurs whenever we are in the same vicinity, in the same room.

But I am thankfully not the same soul I was 8 months ago. Or rather, not the same human. I am forcing myself to surrender to whatever the reality is.

If I cast so many wicked, dark magic spells upon myself throughout the years and existences, it will take some time for them to wear off.

I had the witch-like entity removed exactly two weeks before. And, after 8 months after being so broken and in pain and hurt, and him ignoring me once when I was at the grocery store, we meet - with the precision of seconds. Had I left work earlier or had I been sidetracked with going to the second building to drop off leaflets for my colleague, I would have missed him. I left the leaflets because they were too heavy. And was angry at myself for not bringing them when it would have taken just two extra minutes to drop them off.

But those two minutes would have meant never meeting my Punjabi soulmate that evening.

He asked me to forgive him... he looked towards the skies in what seemed a gesture of awe and gratitude and said, "Well, it was meant to be that we met".

"I don't want you to think that I ever thought of you in less of a way. I don't want you to think that it was me who sent you that message.

"It wasn't you?"

"It was my wife."

I always am amazed how he keeps calling her his wife, instead of by name. I would always call them by their names. There must be some anger toward her on his part. He must feel the trappings, the energetic shackles and enslavement - he's really not that unintelligent or in denial (I would hope not.).

"You have no idea how many times I dialled your number and then cut off the call."

He alone has the right to break,
for he alone has the power to mend.
He that knows how to sew together
knows how to tear apart:
whatever He sells,
He buys something better in exchange.
He lays the house in ruins;
then in a moment He makes it more livable than before."

Rumi, Mathnavi, 1, 3882

"But I never received any call!"
"Yes, because I cut the call before dialling. I just had no idea what would happen if I did, and I couldn't take the risk. The guilt has been eating me up."


"Ab aisa lag raha hai ke thhora dil ka bojh kum ho gaya..."

Honestly? I couldn't write a script better than this - and he's not even for me. Well, my hair could have been prettier and breath fresher. Haha. Note for next time... except, again, had I stopped to freshen up at the office before leaving, I'd have missed him!

But maybe the script my soul is writing is the one of unconditional love. Not having anyone in your life, and forcing yourself to forgive his insecure wife, his own ego, and release the attachment. To spread your love to others, including some (there are many in London) arseholes that have crossed you.

If he had allowed me, I'd have given him a massive hug and a kiss. But Sukaina was not allowed to show her love and affection to him, as has always been the case. And so he drove off in his silver car, not even willing or able to offer me a lift to the bus stop.

The funny thing about him is I picked up on his beauty whilst walking past his car, and dared to look again - it was my soul that said, "look at this handsome guy. It is safe to look - to engage with life" - my default has been to ignore people and glaze my view. Something about those Muslim beards gets me into a hypnotic state. Thank goodness, he cut it back to regular size. There had been a phase whereby he was doing a some really weird things with that beard of his.

And then I recognised him.

He recognised me.

And I called out, "Can you talk to me?"

He said "I can, now."

And the best thing about him is there is almost no drama. None at all. Comfortable like an old pair of sneakers. Like a fleece blanket. Like my neighbour's cats.  Like a cup of cocoa with marshamllows and cream.

His is a soul I could hug forever. The kind of feeling I want to feel when I finally meet my own life partner. Just warm and fuzzy. Instant trust and faith. God energy.

The refined, perfect merging of the divine feminine and sacred masculine.

For 8 months, my belief has been he just doesn't care. And it is correct - one has to be really distracted and in fear to not clear up any misunderstandings.

A simple text or phone call would be all that it took. But he hasn't gotten to that level as yet.

And on the night of the solar eclipse, he showed me just how MUCH he loves and cares for me. I can never doubt it again. But, again, there was a heat of mutual love and care, of respect and of compassion, and none of the crap that I was feeling before: no anger, no hatred, no desire to get in the last word. I just spoke too quickly again.

It's the kind of friendship we both would grow from and find immense freedom in. And fun. But, as it stands... he closed off at the end, probably feeling guilty about his wife. Honestly, what is it with us humans and operating our beautiful, free existences based on the core trappings of guilt and fear?

I did tell him, "You need to have courage. Aise rishtey bohot kam milte hain. If anything changes, give me a call. Or text."

All he said was, "I'll see you around, maybe." He stiffened up, went back to reality.

I do NOT envy him, in spite of the fact he has a loving wife and three beautiful children, and an active social life, and loving family.

Since this isn't quite working in my favour, more entities are in need of removal, more curses. We both were standing out in the cold on the pavement for half an hour, rather than in a nice cosy coffee shop or restaurant. I didn't even think of asking to sit in the car to talk, and even if I had, I wouldn't have asked. He would have gotten the wrong idea of what my intentions are.

I just hope he chooses me as his spouse or girlfriend the next time we both incarnate together. What the **** is the point of incarnating with all of these beautiful soulmates, meeting them online or in the flesh, and NOT ****ing ending up with any of them? Hello?

This is so difficult for me. We were both here when we were teenagers but I never met him then, did I? I always, ALWAYS, find them AFTER they have already married the women they are meant to be with. It was the curse I put upon myself at age 13. The ridiculous Jane Austen curse.

And I accept that I made such a horrible thing happen to me. I wanted to experience this level of indescribable pain, I guess.

However, after feeling like there was something fundamentally wrong with me that no man I loved loves me back, and each of them have hurt me, Allah graced me with the clear sign that He can make things happen with such precise engineering, I still can't believe it. I've still been going to the grocery store, but never seeing him and have become so okay with it, I don't even look for him.

Allah also is reminding me that, contrary to how my family feel about me, how certain female friends feel, and contrary to every shitty thought I have had about myself and my life, he loves me. No question.

Such a sweet, kind, soft man. So soft and stable and loving, I melt into his energy and never want to leave (unless he's acting upon his ego, which is infuriating).

May I find one with all of their good qualities who had true courage and spiritual fire, such that he knows straight away that we are connected and is willing to sacrifice for the union.

Or else, give me two healthy cats to have as my children!

(Ideally both, but as they say, "laazim nahin hai ke dunya ke saari khushiyan kamaa le tu...").

And then, today, I lost all energy and vitality, I've been lying in bed all day "sick". I hope I didn't create a sadness and frustration entity that's sucking me dry.

Oh, this spiritual path!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm reading a few Sufi books I finally got after my friend got mad at me for not reading from the masters and going to hacks and charlatans for healings and knowledge.

The Knowing Heart and Living Presence, both by Kabir Helminski who has a soft, fluid way with words.

And a book by Chishti about Sufi healing...title to be added when I find the book somewhere in my room.

Starting with what is familiar and warm, what I know... my soul isn't as old as I wanted it to be, and I am now accepting of all of that.

I still mess up in social situations, and still don't have control over my own life... the small things, the larger things.

Experiencing such extreme fatigue and a buzzing that won't let me sleep or meditate or pray. Or do anything I need to do.

All is as it is.

Spellbinding Ourselves Throughout Our Infinite Consciousnesses

*** This is a first draft. I have to write this all down. It will birth when the time is right. For others to heal and NOT make the same mistakes I have made, which have had very poor results in real life. Not for my own egoic ends***

Spellbinding Ourselves Throughout Our Infinite Consciousnesses

It is my sincere desire that not a single one of my years of nothingness and immense pain is wasted. I know I will not have any descendants, progeny, children of my own, grandkids... this is something that wasn't part of my life path this time around, mainly because all children are my children spiritually. But it is my sincere wish that someone, a sleeping Starseed, another humble Sufi-shamanic type of soul will be helped by these words on these pages, these thoughts tumbling out in a wave of overwhelming relief at finally seeing the light of day, of being birthed onto planet Earth.

Of shining a light, of healing at the core - the VERY CORE - of the harshest wounds...

As for what I have experiences in the avatar role as Sukaina, it isn't interesting in the least. With great honesty and frankness, my life will never be turned into an autobiography. It has been bland, boring, caged, and mundane enough to have sent me into regular spirals of insanity and despair.

I will not write any lies or untruths.

I will also not be writing anything too specific about my personal life, because it will NOT interest you.

I have somehow been released from the ancient need to have stories, to have many tales to tell of what happened in "reality" and in "actuality".

That which is important is that the little knowledge and wisdom that I have extracted and absorbed from the soul of each experience was not meant just for me. It can't have been just for my education.

It must have also been for someone else, for the collective of Khojas, of women, of Pakistanis, of British born people in the eighties, for someone else who is connected to me on a soul level.

It has to be. I would only go through all of this for the greater good.

Wizards and witches and Sufi masters will sometimes burn themselves in the harshest fires of tribulation (even when, as was my decision, all of it self imposed and self destruction) so that others can cool their eyes and fertilise the soil with the ashes that remain after combustion.

Then the most beautiful roses and sunflowers and daffodils will grow from those ashes, bring the most heavenly indescribable scents to everyone.

There have been myriad lies told to me, and so, so, so many more that I told myself.  No longer acceptable.

I have blinded myself, gauged my own eyes out in spite, and then complained to God for taking away every single spiritual gift I had. For taking away anyone who had once supported me.

And then, recently, I witnessed a woman crawling inside a window, and jumping off a filing cabinet for me. Just for me. To help me out of the cold, and to help me get home. That was unprecedented.

We basically cast spells upon ourselves, and follow through on those our entire lives.

And then one day, some kind healer shaman soul removes the spell, and we are left with just this.

A bat. A soul fragment from when I was 2 years old. Reviving the belief that love is real.

And...

"A notebook and a pen. 

Start writing..."

I had one simple contract with you guys, with my family: hide the light, just hide the goddamned light.

We broke the shackles again and there's no more hiding.

The light is self explanatory, and it is very real.

It is allowed to shine the goddamned light.

I am allowed to be the light.

Delaying my healing has had major consequences

I don't trust myself to write or communicate these days. I cannot even remember when was the last moment I felt inspired to write something that would inform or heal, either myself or another.

I have been made to realise that any excitement I felt last year regarding blogging or growing was just the build up of more illusions to be cracked open.

The last two months have been a real struggle. The interesting thing I find about living this human life is that you can be submerged in a very dark place, and yet it will feel normal and bearable until one day, it isn't any longer.

You can feel so devoid of pleasure in the small things in life, or in yourself or in the work that you are doing - and that feels like the norm. Why? Because you look at the devastation being wreaked world over and therefore in your own life and see that as the only way things are meant to be for very long.

There is a lot happening on this planet right now that is something we are being forced to experience and to witness, just as though the Universe hired someone to perversely smack a wet smelly fish in your face every day.

I used to be proud of being "English", "British", "Western" because of the way they programme you to differentiate yourself from another and then somehow either feel inferior or superior as a result.

I am looking at the systemic raping of the UK by people who are insane and entirely disconnected from their true divine souls. The people on TV have no light emanating from their eyes.

I wish to ignore them in order to remain sane, and then I hear about another ridiculous piece of legislation being passed so that people effectively are murdered in Calais and Germany due to the freezing conditions, whilst those bloody Canary Wharf apartments are still empty.

But to follow every single minutae of the 3D conscious fighting like a dying pig to stay alive, is to ensure that I will undo any good work I have done in my own life.

The two eclipses have happened and apparently, these ones will allow us to heal whcih means facing the shadow.

What are my shadows? A lot of self harm. Loads. Ensuring that I don't experience joy and that I experience much delay in my life towards beauty and grace.

I cannot answer why this is the case. It is not as though I did not try.

I went for a shamanic soul retrieval with someone in 2015 and a past life regression in 2016. On hindsight, I really ought to have done a second soul retrieval instead of being bogged down with the mystique of finding out past life trauma. Because niether of those actually helped me in reality. In spite of the integrity of the women who did the ceremonies.

What I had forgotten to ask was whatever is the crux of the matter, let that come to light and be healed.

So any of the healings I went to never really addressed what the core was.

And, frankly, that has angered me to such a degree. At first, I was going to complain that I went to the wrong people. But, it turns out, it was my subconscious that ensured I was in 7 years of what I can only describe is hell.

Not wanting to be on the planet and wanting to leave, but not being able to. Living a half existene with almost zero energy.

So I was told I had major soul fragmentation. And this was all the way in December and I STILL delayed my healing until last week.

Another shaman, another one-to-one healing. This guy was the real deal and had been highly recommended as a top class entity remover.

Yes, I will be mentioning the fact that I have been plagued by entities sucking my divine light for a long time. It is not uncommon and the more it is normalised, the less people such as myself will delay their removal.

We had a good chat, I felt comfortable telling him and he said, we don't have to choose which to do first - we'll do both.

I lay down and was beaten by reeds and rattles and some beautifully scented rose water thrown upon me.

The thing about shamanic journeying is that somehow I have never gotten any visuals at all for what is going on energetically.

And now apparently, I am free. They were sucking my energy dry and it is testament to how storng I am that i was still sort of functioning in spite of all of that.

The soul loss has been substantial. From ages 4 - 24, I lost even more of myself every two years.

Due to my self hatred and fear of accepting my power.

I have been in a weird state for the last week and since somethings seem to be shifting yet for the most part nothing has, I doubt if I allowed myself to be healed.

I have noticed certain changes in myself: I am not feeling so weighted in the head or shoulders any longer. I am able to remain more stable emotionally and see things more rationally, as well as with love.


Then the eclipse began triggering the shadows like anything.

That it took me by surprise.

This is why I say I can't trust myself to write these days.

In the past, I have been eloquent but always wrote in a heavy, depressed, negative style. So I'd have people I'd consider to be Pollyannas telling me that I need to delete my old social network posts or to stop judgement and criticism.

And it used to really anger me that my work and state wasn't accepted for what it was.

And now, I just have nothing to write.

Anything I write for the short term is just me expressing that which seems so forbidden to express.

Grief, anger, rage, confusion...

I can't trust my reality any longer.

The man I was addicted to like cocaine, I don't feel any love in my heart for him any more. It is worrying to actually dislike him and feel very indifferent. I suppose this is a phase I must go through and take my love to causes that would receive it.

It took me 20 days to reply to his message, when all he is doing is being polite and replying to my initial message. It feels as though my soul has become so bored and weary of the unavoidable karma I'm living through, it can't be bothered to go through the motions.

If it is an illusion and a lie, make that clear and then I move on. We were all born to be truly liberated from all of the dirt and muck. So how long before it actually just shifts?

In another post, I hope to be able to string a post together to emphasise how important it is to begin your healing NOW.

If there's any wisdom to be taken from my experience, it is to face the crap head on and get the shamanic soul retrieval instead of doing superficial healings or self development, being led astray by healers who are confused and sought to confuse you...

Please don't delay your soul healings, your soul retrievals.

Make 2017 the year you stop suffering at a soul level.

Because, believe it or not, once you allow yourself to do the weird shamanic stuff, you set a precedent for all of us to heal, so we can empower ourselves and ensure that the craziness of the world is transmuted into peace and into something that resembles a planet that is loved and respected.

People are just being ignored and abused, and it is done by people who have soul fragmentation to people with the same.

Find a genuine shaman, Someone who ACTUALLY KNOWS what the heck they are doing. I have had my share of narcissistic healers who painted a beautiful scene and ended up having diluted intentions or motives that were not for the benefit for the client.

Of curse, we can safely say that I only attracted those people into my life in accordance with what I was magnetising. And it was pretty awful and painful and entirely unnecessary, but some of us just don't figure these things out until you go through many near death experiences.

What I am currently experiencing as a result of clearing blocks is dreams which have people from the past either crying or re-enacting the horrible karmic incidents as a way to hopefully exorcise myself from the past for good.

It's not a pretty place being where i have been and where I am in now.

Because I also attract the not so nice faces of others as a result of the negativity still releasing from me.

There have been many misunderstandings and secrets being kept. Betrayals that are so lame that I just shake my head at the people I have to complete karma with.

So it seems that I have to begin from the beginning.

But this time, there is no drama required with the regrets, shame, fear, guilt and all the rest of it.

The heartening thing is that I will hopefully choose a better life plan for my next incarnation. This one seems to be written by a horror story enthusiast.

I am aware that this is writing of many strands and we will just accept this as is, a reflection of reality - of what the awakening or ascension process really is like.

It SUCKS, sometimes.

Unnecessary drama and delusion.

I've lost everyone and everything. I lost myself, repeatedly. Now I see the world mirroring the chaos I have been inside for 15 years. Everything that has the potential for good is being used for nefarious reasons, even as far as internet use is being spied on and Facebook and Google recording everything we say via or smartphones and laptops. Cows and goats being raped and tortured in order to feed our inexhaustable craving for milk and dairy. It's as though we never knew that a cow can only give milk when pregnant, therefore she has to be repeatedly raped in roder to give birth and lactate.

It's as though this simple connection slipped our awareness or we conveniently forgot.

And I feel helpless.

Because until I learn how exactly to bring my power back, I am of no use to the world.

What is really concerning me is that a week after having the soul retrievals and everything, I still feel as physically unwell as before. And my mind doesn't seem to compute very well.

I pray other people journeying towards freedom, empowerment and truth are having a better time of this. I'd be happy to follow that path as well.

Finally, my friend took out a card for me to help me face more of my shadow. I had a furiously inappropriate reaction to seeing a man and woman in love interacting with each other in Senate Hall, at SOAS last week. I thought I had made peace with my aloneness and the loneliness. But they were the gift to show how much it hasn't healed.

Logically, how can anyone even expect to fall in love when the world is in need of some real action? And the fact that I can't even maintain a steady job that I actually love?

But that's what's still unhealed. My frequency is still fluctuating and I feel a lot of pain. There is suffering too, which is always not ideal.

I am sure that once I heal this, it will be easier to heal the other stuff.

There's an unbelievable amount of stuff. And nowhere to run at all.


Blessings x