I have desired to put my words onto paper for a while.
However, Life has been experiencing turbulence, and I can hardly choke out words.
Daily, I witness with my soul the incomprehensible pain and suffering each human and animal is experiencing. This, of course, includes my current human incarnation.
I witness women who have not spoken for so long, and are now unable to keep silent.
People are still without homes, and yet, somehow, they are producing more children to be brought up in extremely challenging circumstances.
I've been under very difficult circumstances for the past three to four months. There has been no fun, no creativity, just a bunch of crap, to be very honest.
Misunderstandings like no other. Extreme energy loss, confusion. Loss of time and resources.
One positive thing is the ending of all these useless soul contracrs with people, specifically blood relatives. The love was always one sided. Now it is a peaceful distance we have, and energy will restore itself.
Being stuck in role upon role, circumstance after circumstance that are not feeding me; instead it feels as though I've returned to the ghost-like state I had come to London with in 2007.
Can a soul, a life, regress so much?
I'm amping up the healing that I have delayed. This idea that healing takes time is a fallacy.
I made mistakes with a particular Pakistani origin healer from 2010-2016 and am still wracked with regret in 2019, and mistrustful of my intuition and discernment? Surely not?
Delaying our healing only ensures we are living the lies for longer.
Each of my trusted healers can only help me with a part of this mess, but because I have worked with each of them, and have felt the deep, pure love and integrity that comes from souls who went through hell only so as to heal others in that same hell, I can see.
I see that I backtracked in order to become dust upon the path.
Real dust, squeezed from the core of my soul, plucked from my essence.
The prerequisite for this is one humiliating experience, one frustration after another.
Emotion Code has become my saving grace after figuring out who was the right person to go to for healing.
My intention is to refine myself to such a heightened degree, I will actually be able to shift the energy of a fractured soul remotely, without ever meeting them, being beholden to one another, and if not realistic, without their knowledge.
For this is what I am now seeing in my reality. Beautiful, empowered, powerful healers who are NOT afraid of their abilities.
And yes, I was finally guided to them the moment I asked God to stop playing the karma cards with me.
But even when I ask, I'll get a burst of real awareness, and then it fades away.
Right now, I'm feeling very liquid, and high after receiving the 6th and 7th Nusta Karpay shamanic rites of the goddesses.
That then fades away but for now, I feel clean.
Which is why I am expressing whatever this is, on here.
Right now, there is no loneliness. Because we opened up the third eye and the crown, I am currently swimming in a golden river of connection with Allah.
May I fall in love with Thee all over again. You need to regain my trust in Thee. You promised me so much over the last 8 years, and it was all illusion.
No one wants to accuse God of that betrayal, but my human self can only see it as such.
The last so many months, I have been so disconnected from you, the humans and their issues wrecked me.
As did my own.
Let's see how it goes...
Oh, and I finally had the courage to accept that I lied to myself for 8 years.
Imran isn't my twin flame. He will not enter my life in this incarnation again.
He used to be my twin, but since I prayed for release two years ago, on my knees, writhing, the timeline changed.
I'm now okay with the fact I lied to myself, or didn't get the correct alignment with current timeline.
His email to me two years ago threw me off.
Now, in retrospect, I realise it was a "petra", a test, and although I have grown enough not to take his behaviour as an indicator of my worth, I now realise all the time he said he was getting sacred dreams of guidance, I didn't get any dreams or guidance.
In genuinely connected and blessed relationships, both partners dream of one another. They both are connected telepathically. And the boy actually loves the girl. And the girl loves the boy, which I don't any longer. Not in that pure, demented, unconditional manner.
What a waste of my life... Really.
Such a big learning.
At this rate, I think I have made it to remain unattached.
Oh well, the learning becomes less messy with the no one else's life to mess up, or time to waste.
It makes pragmatic and logical sense, but I pray my soul dissolves the loneliness that this brings up.
I tried to make a video today, but I reviewed it and it sounded very depressed and heavy. It was all true, and it had my heart and soul in it - but it makes for awful viewing.
So I uploaded one I made earlier instead. Back in January.
The sentiments are the same, but I pray that I will snap out of this soon.
I am done.
May God save me from these dark places I find myself falling back into.
We all come to a point in our lives whereby the things that would break our heart, do not. You can experience things and still keep that song in your heart.
This month has been really testing for me, mainly on the days I am at work in Mitcham and having to deal with the disturbed public there. Daily, I meet unaligned people, far removed from anything divine and spiritual, misunderstandings abound. I have had at least three women entirely waste precious hours of my life with their blatant lies and ****.
Unfortunately, my intuition either doesn't kick in or I am not listening to it. Had I known, I would have behaved differently. I'm so behind on my other work, it's like trying to hold onto a thousand strings.
Since I began fasting at work, I escape to the local park during lunch, so I can breathe and regain what little dignity I can. Thankfully, it has been sunny and dry in London in order for me to do this.
Today, I accidentally bumped into my friend in the supermarket. He's changed his working hours for the holy month, and so he finishes at 7:00pm. We both were tired from thirst and fasting, and he was stressed - sigh. I wonder if there will ever be a time of freedom and laughter and good stuff.
But I was happy to see him - it has been three months since we last saw each other.
And this time I could see that all of my airs and graces had been swiftly taken from me. Part of this was a result of spending time with my "Sufi" cousin when I was in Toronto, without the airs and graces I used to hold so dearly to myself. He can see thrugh most people, most of the time, most of the way. (Lol.)
I was myself, if a bit lost for the real words and topics due to fatigue.
I ended up getting him some Oreo chocolate, as that's really the only thing I knew he would actually like and eat - he refused to tell me what to get him for his iftaar. God, please bless my friend with the real light you blessed me and my cousin with.
But the desperation and clinging is long gone. If I don't see him, I am contented. This is a major achievement of my soul, which I am acknowledging publicly. I used to cry with real pain in my heart, and wish I could have him for myself. Funnily enough, two nights ago, the same toxic unhelpful regrets about how single I am at age 34, and how no one really wanted to be with me went through my energy field and I cried so much. There was pain in my heart and brain, and I had to place selenite on those areas to extract the pain. It was a much deeper level of healing and acceptance that was needed.
I just want my own husband, and my own happiness now. Without the rubbish that I take almost weekly from certain people I work with, the unhappy ones disconnected from themselves and addicted to alcohol, lying, complaining, and the rest of it.
I truly wonder if this will ever happen?
But then, other things have taken place as well. My dear Moshi died last Thursday - he was put down after being run over by a car. Moshi was my cousin's spoiled cat, but we all loved him SO very much.
I cried a lot for two days. Now I am okay with that.
I fell so ill over the weekend, that I was unable to leave my bed for most of it - such a frustrating, repetitive pattern. It really confounds me how to move forward with this.
My Rahaani teacher told me if I am not self healing, journeying to see my guide, or healing another person, then no wonder I am not highly intuitive and my world isn't going quite as I would like.
I just feel it gets too much to bear sometimes.
I hope you understand the depth of what I mean, and not see this as more complaining and ingratitude. Not that there's anything wrong with being in that state for a while.
I'm still missing the bus, and now they are almost empty buses in the morning. But having missed those buses, I have bumped into very attractive, handsome, well dressed and seemingly kind and benign desi men - who may or may not be single, and may or may not be my spiritual/romantic matches.
Let us see. At the very least, I make more of an effort when getting ready for work in the morning :)
Today was the 6th of the month of Ramadhan. I am technically in eitikaaf, and speaking to His creatures is a part of this eitikaaf. I have and am reflecting upon my core fears and my failings, mistakes, and negativities and asking for help to move beyond all of this.
According to my psychic, I still have to go through another month of utter bull until hopefully my life will be "for real" lighter and filled with Allah's grace.
But I notice I am using the pronoun "I" still.
Speaking of which, my two books arrived - The Degrees of the Soul and The Forty Rules of Love.
I'm going to inundate my energy with Light until I become it.
No other choice; the way of crap and delusion and destruction doesn't work.
Today, after such a long time, I felt my essence creep back within me, and expel itself outwards.
I have felt so tired for so long.
So very long.
It seems that the path of the mystic begins in utter forgetfulness, and repeats the same in this world of utter chaos and confusion.
I was sitting on the bus this morning, with the sunlight streaming through the dirty, unwashed windows. For the last few weeks, my senses have been heightened and I can't stand the sounds of other people talking in rough tones. Everywhere I find myself, I feel that the experience is burden to my soul. A necessary evil. The constraints are coming back to cloak me.
And in that sunlight, I saw the dust specks that float around in our environment. And there is something about not having any control over our environment that brings a soul to question their Creator: is this really what I came here for?
A long list of people's names and faces float in front of my eyes, teaching me that no matter how badly I desired connection, or the experience of romance or friendship, no amount of forcing things ever made it occur. And when I forced things, they ended up being pale and corrupted versions of what I originally wished to create.
On my way home, I took the bus I rarely take as I needed a different route "home", a different point of view, a different outcome. I need to wash myself off of the crap I have taken on during the day.
I got off the bus alongside a bunch of people who live in my neighbourhood, yet we lead entirely separate and secluded lives. I went in the direction that was not the same as theirs, into the long seeded grasses of the common.
I touched and kissed the buttercups, and breathed in the liquid green healing that was available to my really exhausted soul. My feet began to dance as they struck the dry, cracked earthened track...
And I remembered my time in Uzumlu, walking with an older gentleman who was like my grandfather, and who had recently departed from this plane.
They were walks that I took and he tired to help me in his own way, yet once we were back in London, my demons took over and I never once sent him a text or rang him.
And now he is forever gone, and all I have is an apology to his soul for not honouring the connection.
The sunlight is peeling my skin apart, and peeling apart the egoic structures.
I had opened my heart last week and allowed the initiation to take place, to trust in Love and in Sacred God Light and in God.
And now my heart is closed again... and I pray each day for it to open again.
The past is now most definitely the past, yet the sadness and the disappointment is still stuck in this foolish heart of mine, and so I eat sugar as though my life depended upon it.
Trust me to be my own worst enemy. And it is taking a lot of me to come to terms with what i have been doing with myself to ensure that I remain in a painful state.
Family have shown me that they can not be trusted to treat me with respect and true love as I somehow expected and anticipated from them.
What is a relief, and a mystery, is that the person I thought was my twin flame, my Manu, and the one I assumed I would always have strong and passionate feelings for, has gone entirely from my heart. It is disappointing from the point of view of my soul's development, as the aim to to love every single bit of Life as God, but from another point of view, having entirely neutral or no feelings at all is the biggest breakthrough. I can't even conjure up his face in my mind's eye any longer, nor his energy with mine as I lie to go to sleep.
It is as though he no longer exists at all now in my personal world.
I suppose that is the only way I can move on with my life, to thrive, to survive. Because, facing the ugly fact, he both made and broke me. A million times.
And as for the other two, there is not really much point in dragging on hopeless scenarios. Married men will remain happily married with children, and nothing I pray for or imagine or hope will manifest. They don't love me enough
... and there is a huge blessing in that.
I am slowly becoming an automaton in the workplace and I must find a solution and a way out.
It is severely disappointing to me that once again I will not complete a course and certification due to life and my ill health.
I've just gotten bored with everything that everyone has to say. Any harm that comes to me, and trust me it comes to me daily, is looked upon with a weariness and a studied avoidance. No matter how much I avoid being around people and cars, they find a way to interfere with my journey and almost run me over and kill me. Almost daily now. Just like I miss the bus to work daily.
I read something really precious in the book I have in front of me... "The Knowing Heart" by Kabir Helminski, and it talks about surrender and submission of one's will and taking everything as a true gift.
Every smite, difficulty, everything.
I feel that in my quest to find real teachings and teachers, I have still come up with cold air and the whispers of a sweet, masculine, American (but not Texan) voice on a freezing cold night driving back to Richmond Hill from Niagara Falls.
My mind had been upset and attacked for the preceding days, I had experienced two major panic attacks in someone else's use, and I had to somehow maintain my dignity amongst clueless relatives. it was tough.
"Well, may I be blunt?"
"Sure."
"The problem is that you haven't submitted fully to God. You keep talking in terms of I."
And I have had to view that uncomfortable truth straight in the eye. Every single day.
But, it takes time to get to that state, my dear majnoon brother. (Making you my brother will be a lot easier for my soul to bear than the original desire).
And you have been blessed with that state after all of your self discipline and dedication.
I have not done that for myself as yet, and so I am learning to move forward.
It is beautiful to be in the presence of someone with such a calming, loving energy flooding through their entire system. I didn't have to be speaking to him (and trust me, he didn't feel like talking to me most of the time). I just craved to be in the same auric field as his, and so I took all opportunities to do that, including staying up late into the night whilst they talked about kryptocurrency, and athiests and agnostics, and then I felt more grounded and safer. At "home". Embraced, and comforted.
At the time, I assumed it was him I was after, and for the last two years since we met, I assumed that would give my soul the peace it was seeking.
But we always mistake the vessel, the pottery, for the true authentic Source of energy.
God then breaks the pottery, makes it so very flawed and mean and avoidant, that He returns you back to the Source. God loves us too much to let us remain in delusion for that long. Especially if we are sincere in our seeking, and our in our light.
But what sincerity is, is different to each soul. Remember Moses and the shepherd, always. We each have been that Shepherd, and Moses, and Khidhr, and all of them. We are all One. We just need to remember.
But it takes experience and a certain level of growth to see Truth with clarity and immediacy. A lot of solitude and reflection - so that one doesn't begin hating the one we love, but seeing them as unable to love back in the same manner. It is not their role to appease any insecurities, but to unpick and unravel our tapestry of self deceit as to allow all the maggots to come to the surface, and gnaw the false sense of self into dust.
How vulnerable it feels to be thrown back to the ground again, to get up and look around and find oneself in the same position one was 8 long years ago. The same words reverberating in ones ears, the same fears making us have sleepless nights.
And yet...
Even those closer to God than you will disappoint. He went off on his journeys to visit spiritual friends, and never thought to take me. And I never had expectations, but I suppose the fact he said in the very end that it had been a possibility is what was so humbling, and so disappointing.
The God I have faith in doesn't play games, but human egos play those games.
Nonetheless, that conversation, alongwith the driving and the love, healed something that had been sucking my energy dry. It was another one of those awful entities, and trust me, I am so fed up of having to deal with them and remove them, and them coming back, and removing them yet again.
Whether I pick them up in these heaving cities of murkiness and energy leeching, or if I take them on from individuals when I empathise with them, it has not served me well. They attach to my throat, and i cannot express myself, they attach to my mind, and I think ugly thoughts.
I felt more like myself after the healing, It was very strong, and I was reeling with dizziness for a long time afterwards, but still stuck as a guest in someone else's Pakistani home, and therefore having to respond "normally" like others, instead of the lost, wandering, gypsy like soul that I house.
The one who could see me most was my mirror, and even he surprised me with his repressive and limited programming that he is still to question and address.
The masculine, Pakistani, Muslim programming that feels no qualms about two women being married to the same man AND sharing the same room. The programming that personalises historical and spiritual events, and thinks that prayers to remove blessings from the entire lineage of certain dark characters in Shi'a history is justified, and in the same breath prays for Palestine, Syria, and wants to heal the world.
The programming that somehow tells me to wear a headscarf, and that somehow that will aid me in my quest for liberation and a state of utter oneness with God.
Gender is truly a concept.
We came to make this damned planet into one whereby females are no longer harmed or controlled by masculine energy.
The wedding was probably the most normal human thing I have done in a long time. it would have been lovely, had it not also been such an empty experience for me. Just the wedding reception. A bunch of people in a room, waxed and painted and seated. No real introductions made, and I felt a bit nauseated and uncomfortable with having to make conversation with people who were not comfortable with my energy. I didn't know what to do with those encounters, and they left me feeling as though I had two left feet.
But that red velvet cake was good!
As was this kickass song I discovered at the mehendi
I know, the lyrics are demeaining, as is the really unimaginative video. I like the tune. It's good for Zumba workouts :p
And I come home from Canada with a buzz, only to find out that I was criticised behind my back by people who were sweet to my face - and about the most petty of matters. Showering for too long, and blatant lies about my not washing dishes enough - this is the extent that some people see me as. An unreliable dishwasher. Not as an invited, honoured guest in the house (alongside 13 other people), or a loved, treasured niece. If I ever felt like a second cousin, it was in that house.
At the end of it, once I process the hurt my ego feels, I will accept that we don't have to be likeable to the majority of people. And we will be lied to, and betrayed by people who will be the most loving people to others. Something in us triggers off that darkness.
When this happens often enough, and in my experience, it always has, it is better to be alone in this case.
Rule 6, 40 Rules of Love by Shems Tebrizi Loneliness and solitude are two different things. When you are
lonely, it is easy to delude yourself into believing that you are on the
right path. Solitude is better for us, as it means being alone without
feeling lonely. But eventually it is the best to find a person who will
be your mirror. Remember only in another person’s heart can you truly
see yourself and the presence of God within you.
And my mirrors have all gone off, becoming memories of the past.And I will no longer carry the past upon my shoulders like a huge burden.
It was what it was. I did what I did, they said what they said.
My delusions are continuously blown up in my face, until I surrender to Thee.
And not have any false beliefs or delusions about my fellow humans, and their capacity for unconditional love. We all are still clearing our muck.
It looks really ugly, and I'm going through the motions due to lack of any other choices at this time.
And yet, when the joy hits, I become One with Self and with Thee
One
is truly fortunate to not hold any importance in the lives of others.
There is no grip, no hold - the soul is free and unhindered. Being
anonymous is the greatest glory the divine gives to those who know.
One is even more fortunate to not hold onto others, and this takes
lifetimes to master. Not to be insensitive, or unkind - but to not take
it all on and make it ours. To let it go back to where it belongs.
To
not harm, and to not be harmed.
To allow and be expansive.
And kind. Generous.
For the one trapped and enmeshed with others will personalise a life that was never meant to be personal.
We all go through exactly the same process, just the timing is
different. Yet we always feel the pain of our own lives the most, and
that of others the least because it didn't happen in our body.
Now, how does one instruct a stubborn ego to submit to this truth?
You came here in service, therefore whatever life and the world does to
you is justified, as long as it's not abuse, and you don't cling on to
things. Not even to your own opinion about your own life. And that
craving you feel to justify, to defend, to cut down - cease it.
I
came across a very interesting passage today about "hothouse
enlightenment" and how someone can be granted great powers of insight
and intuition and psychic ability, and yet you wouldn't trust that
person to babysit your children (or, as I like to say in dramatic tones,
"save me from a fiery death.").
Let us today let all of them go,
to learn their own lesson.
We created these "monsters" to tear us down -
otherwise, we might have become like them. It isn't acceptable to the
ego, but to the eternal soul, all of these experiences are necessary.
Which is why WE create them. There is some pattern of logic to it.
May I learn my lesson allowing generosity to always be constant, and to not shrivel under personal hurts.
There's no great glory in being more enlightened or "older" than
another soul. All that means is the life intensity will increase, and
more **** will happen to test and mold you.
The higher you go, the more refinement is required for the soul, so every speck of dirt is squeezed out.
I present to thee organic enlightenment.
Karachi, 2014, a poor stray kitten paralysed and starving - did my best, but it was never enough because of being under so much darkness at the time. Shitloads of fear. I hope she forgives me. I hope all the animals forgive me my mistakes, fears, and greed.
And I ask for the ability to provide the small necessities to those in need, like food, shelter, warmth, love, reality.
All
of this is making me choose differently than before.
It still hurts
like anything, but I don't let it stick for as long. I can't. Life is
way too short for all the bs to remain in our auric fields. Clear and
cleanse it out. The people who are our closest blood family, are clear
tests and are only blood family in this lifetime. We have incarnated so
many times with different souls, that to remain attached to the opinion
or behaviours of those just in this lifetime can seem a little silly
sometimes.
Koi baat nahi...
Let it go...
And maybe we will find peace and wholeness within.
It's never personal. The Universe can be as impersonal as anything,
whilst also claiming to love us more than 70 mothers. A cheeky question
would be: what is the caliber of those mothers? Were we the unwanted
children? The unwanted females or males? The one with special needs?
And there are those who have submitted themselves so much to their
purity of soul, to the divineness of God, that the healing flows through
their veins and they just tell me, you will feel better in 30 minutes.
And I didn't even ask you for help, yet you give it to me so willingly,
it makes me weep with this peculiar feeling of love, intimacy, gratitude
and awe.
Your eyes are so familiar to me, as is your soul. Yet, why do i still not mimic your generosity, your power, your strength?
I still sit here, on the trampled earth, fumbling about with broken earthen toys, discarded and abused.
The angels hold up such pure crystals of such healing and power, yet I still do not see them.
Undoubtedly, this is a confusing time. All of the times have been confusing.
Your life. Your beingness. Your friends. All are different than before.
When you are no longer liked, it doesn't mean you are no longer worthy. It just means that, things changed.
Sometimes the mirror is accurate, sometimes the mirror is not accurate
and with that is God's whisper to trust yourself and know that even when
others only see your darkness, you can focus on the light.
We go
through a lot to prove ourselves to be who we think we are. People call
us up on things and then do exactly the same thing 6 months later.
And ,
we do it too...
That purity that I crave
Is a rarity that I desire
Is a cavity I seek to fill
Is a sadness that engulfs and overtakes
Is a confusion that cripples
Is a life that is eager to end itself
And start anew
Simple and clear
Without any mistakes
That became chains upon my neck
And lead inside my heart
Blessed are those who Love because they Love and know that existence was based upon Love.
Blessed are those going through the Darkness and the fatigue and the
flu and the entire demolition of the ego constructs.
Old souls also need
it. Because they forget as well as us younger souls.
We all are love
and we all are doing the best we can each day.
Each day is different.
The knots in the stomach will go. They cannot stay. The doubts will go,
the fear will evaporate. The people you feared would go, have left
again.
You are alone.
What do you do now? Where do you create from nothing?
I listened to a song after a very long time today. It is a magical song. Kun fayakun. Be, and it is.
I have lost all the good bits about myself, along with the nasty bits. Some of the nasty bits are still there.
But the joyous girl who sticks her tongue out impishly has disappeared.
It is alright. But the sceptre that took her place is heavy.
May
the light fall upon you all the time, even when you don't notice it.
May you bring your light out of you and create more light as a result.
May your helpers find you swiftly. May you see from the lens of the
other when in communion with them. May you finish all of your tasks with
excellence. May you travel to where your soul finds healing and love
and support and joy. may you live there, as well.
May this life business become easier. Make more sense. For us all.
"You were the one who left Yourself
You were the one who hurt You
You were the one who held a grudge against yourself the whole time
You were the one running from You.
This is the spiritual truth of the twin flame connection.
This is the perfect imperfection of the twin flame relationship."
- Cassady Cayne
I like to believe this is true, because it gives a different perspective on the run of the mill drama and trauma.
Relationships can be so difficult. Relating to people can be difficult.
Today, I felt like an alien whilst commuting on the rail replacement service from Morden to Stockwell.
I'm still thinking of him with the fondness I felt at the beginning, when we were BOTH into each other. Some of the resentment has washed away since last weekend, because I burned a stick that represented all the crap in my life I wanted to burn away for good.
Let's hope the decorated, shiny stick (which was also burnt) brings in much goodness.
But, in all honesty, I still miss him. I still pray that we will one day become functional friends, even if we can't become partners. Like grown up friends. Or else, it would be so miraculous for me to ask God if I can ask to transfer my affection and deep longing and connection with him for some other soul more willing to be a more conscious, courageous and authentic man.
I read another article, one that actually explained a lot about my own situation.
Most twin flames haven't even had sex with one another, because the bond is firstly on a soul fabric level, that high intensity of love isn't found in the sacral it is found in our pores, in the crown and in the heart.
It is pure, without all the facades we created in our human lives.
It takes a LOT of soul growth and HEALING for BOTH twins before they can sustain the sexual energy, and in my case, it didn't happen even though I felt so much love and sexual desire for him. I was too afraid to meet him. Now I know why.
What is interesting and something I now can admit without any ego, is that he recognised me first. He saw me first, recognised me and came to me first. I recognised him after two weeks, or a month or so. And then I remained steadfast in that recognition, whereas he swerved and found another to bring him the peace and love, the recognition (and sanity) that he desired.
And now, all I face is silence from him, and from my cousin, and from my former colleague.
Yet my mind is still loud and raucous with their voices, and with their words.
I pray we each of us heal from this really debilitating and disempowering disease of nostalgia and pining away for the past.
See, even as I write this and express the truth of my current emotional state, my left lower back is in pain in recognition of this disempowerment that needs healing.
If I am invisible and rejected when I no longer serve a purpose in these mens' lives, so be it.
I am still worthy as a creation of God. If they can't recognise my worth, it is because they are focussed on their own lives and their own wives, and that's okay.
I don't have those distractions in my own life.
There is a reason for that. It is easier to self correct, to grow and to purify when you are alone, when your needs are yet to be met.
When ones needs are met, the human being becomes slightly lazy and less dedicated in their quest for divine experiences.
Plus they are uncovering the core, bare bones of my rejection and abandonment wounds, and when I am strong enough, I shall place them in shamanic stones, paint them and own these wounds to help others, in my mesa cloth.
On a funnier note, I have been tempted every single time I had contacted him (or when he slipped up in May 207 and contacted me) to send him this image below, but I knew he wouldn't take it as lightheartedly as I wanted him to. It cracks me up that Muslims can be so hilarious. I wish I could make friends with them, but that's showing another wound relating to my inability to make or maintain friendships due to alien reasons :p
'O Soul of mine You have been born free Yet you incarnated onto a planet Enslaved And you therefore have taken upon you many faces and roles that you assumed You needed in order to survive on this Somewhat hostile planet Every time you feel you may have found a friend They fail you. It is just a mirror. For you must have failed yourself or another as well. They are your most Beloved teachers Showing you all the ways in which you express yourself And are still unaware of it. Every time you feel you may have created peace The opposite also occurs. Every time to speak up for the truth, whether it be yours Or someone else's You are sometimes silenced As much by the positivity of your fellow lightworkers As you are by the darkness of those who fear the Light. The more you seek to speak that truth that you hid for aeons The more others wish to shut it down with their own truths. This is something we must accept.
You haven't even stepped up to your true life's calling and feel slighted. Your skin needs to be thickened even more Your soul must be purified even more, so that all the past mishaps are no longer repeated. Was the auspiciousness of this era on Earth Worth all the crap? To the point it leaves you so bereft of energy and life You can't even think of an eloquent synonym for crap?'
For many, this year has been a relief of the years of crazy energetics pounding this earth of ours. For me, it has been a sliver of light after many years of darkness. And yet, this year has also shown me how much is predestined.
Matt Kahn says as much, that what if everything is predestined and the free will is how you respond to things? I agree with that point. It makes life feel less constrictive.
In the last month, I have set intentions and cleared my energy. I have gone to energy healings and did my best to maintain connections with people I felt understood me. I was working temporarily in an enrolments office and did my best to set intentions of service and healing.
And today, I've realised that I've made many errors at work that have very real repercussions on people's lives, as well as a monetary and reputational cost for the organisation. I have been humiliated and verbally abused on the telephone. The connections I've attempted to maintain just haven't worked out. My body was in pain from the commute and my personal life became non-existent.
You just accept that this is how it is.
During our difficult times, little can make sense. There has always been a fine line between my acceptance of life being the crapfest is sometimes is and resignation that it will always be this same crapfest.
I have noticed that my spiritual awakening is very erratic.
I constantly fall back asleep, and then I experience life from a very constrained lens, and the people in my life behave extremely bizarrely. In this year of 2016, I have had to stay in a workplace that was killing my confidence and my soul, then remain unemployed and humiliated for a long period of time. I felt intense anger and pain at the betrayal of a so-called spiritual teacher who has, as lot of them may have done, taken bits and pieces from the font of wisdom and sold it to others for great profit.
Even now, I am writing this but I have had to let go of the identification of being this amazing writer. The only publisher I felt might be willing to publish me has also gone on another path and not even responded to my last messages. I am sure this is leading me to a more suitable life experience for me, if I but only knew.
I have finished a one month internship position as an administrator at SOAS; it too has left my nerves in shock. I never realised that my presence is enough to make people's content come up. No matter how many intentions, shields, blue light, angels I call upon, never seems to work in the densest parts of central London.
And now I sit here, in a library that ought to be quiet save for a beautiful soul who has been throwing books, papers and plastic bags around for the last 30 minutes, and I write this.
I am having cold-like symptoms which have lowered my productivity, I have woken up from dreams about all the mistakes I unintentionally made at work, I ruminate over the videos of bloodshed and crying children in Yemen, Lebanon, Syria, etc. I look at videos of the state of water in areas where fracking is doing great business.
I also observe the comments I receive on my Facebook updates expressing my frustration about Starbucks and how people I thought were clued in still give them money. I've been told to let live.
It makes me smile inside, that wise, old part of me when I experience these things.
For years, I never was allowed to speak because I feared my wrath, the intense nature of my anger. There is a lot in the world I do not agree with and, at that time, I would just let rip and attack everyone verbally for being "wrong" and "evil".
Now I am aware of my own darkness and my own looming shadows and frequently attempt to jump timelines and reset who I am because it is not fair on me to remain in that old hologram when everyone else gives themselves freedom to change and morph.
Yet, the ones I wish to impact, the ones I wish would see me for my light and loving nature and purity, they have filters that block it from them. They are stingy in their acknowledgement. They tell me things that are new to them, yet I perhaps have already experienced. All this teaches me is to remain humble and never underestimate another person's experiences. no matter how they behave with you, I need to remain in a high state of mind instead of wishing to do the Scorpio Moon thing and lash out.
In all seriousness, if I find the response to this post is harmful to me, and I feel I have to edit this piece I have written and published, I actually will. I might pull the entire article if need be. If my energy still attracts critics and people who never contemplate or allow someone to just express themselves without the need for feedback, so be it.
I am so very tired of pretending to be less spiritual than I am, less connected that I wish to be, less aware and awake than I am. I am so tired of following what the content marketing course told me to be. Blog consistently: once a week at least, and then stick to that regime. That is the way you keep your followers and build traction online.
What about caveats for spiritual dark nights of the soul, major karmic and ego cleansing and a regression into profound depression?
Where is the inclusivity in that?
Did Keats or James Joyce or T.S. Eliot ever have a reliable writing schedule? Perhaps. But I do not!
Sometimes people write for the immense pleasure of writing. Of expression. We aren't here to sell you gold and glamour of this earthly plane. We aren't here to make millions through nonsensical stocks and online marketing schemes. We came here in purity, in service. This earth isn't even our real home. We came here to awaken ourselves first (because we thought it would be fun) ...and then you all were meant to awaken in our stead - the critical mass, the ripple effect.
Some of us aren't as successful as we had hoped we would be. I am hardly as successful. My words are still furiously misinterpreted and I either attract opinions from religiously programmed souls who wish to impress upon me I am a woman and must cover myself, whilst quoting Hafez and Rumi in the same breath.
Or I have people telling me how crappy my karma is, how my personal objections to how Starbucks and M&S promote the violence and injustice to the world are judgemental and how I really I ought to live and let live.
All I can do is laugh softly to myself. Sardonically, I will admit, but I am as much shadow as I am light.
You can't win, can you?
Maybe I've come to the point I just can't expend any more energy caring about what other people think or say.
All I care about is seeing children covered in blood and crying (or not crying) as their cities and lives and buildings are destroyed by maniacs who rule countries for power and greed. This should NEVER be allowed to continue, YET IT CONTINUES.
I don't care if this too is the balancing out of karma. I know what happened in this area during the holy sacred month of Muharram and the day of Ashura and the aftermath. It is the descendants paying the price.
Still. It needs to stop. Karma can always be balanced in a way that is full of grace and mercy.
These "leaders" have no remorse or humility in their eyes. And yet we still allow them in the positions whereby they make decisions that affect our drinking water, our air, our food, our very sovereignty?
All I care about is knowing the truth about vaccines: do they contain implants and control mechanisms or not? A simple yes or no will suffice.
All I care about is people understand fluoride IS A POISON, non-fluoride toothpaste and reverse osmosis tap machines aren't produced on a whim and that chem trails are REAL. That we actually look up into the sky and realise this about chem trails... and then DO something about it.
All I want is some very wealthy good people to buy out Monsanto and Facebook and Microsoft so their crap can STOP. How is wanting real healthy nutritious food revolutionary or a conspiracy theory?
I have been fully deprived of knowledge of the nether realms, possibly because I get so upset I would explode it or something. I have spent years sharing what little of the truth I know with others who just will not care nor listen.
And now, even when I have quieted down and learnt that I am my own counsel, I still sometimes make the oft-repeated mistake of venting my grief on Facebook. On my own Facebook wall. And even then, there is this inherent need amongst the purest and lightest of us to comment on the rants. All I asked was the opportunity to let me just express myself and my ramblings.
---
It would seem that the energies are intense and we all are going through our difficult times.
Compassion is most needed now, as is true divine love for all the parts of me and all the days I have messed up, I have lost my temper, I have lost my mind, I have expressed my deep intense truth. For all the days my efforts were cruelly unreceived, my love was rejected, and sometimes people intentionally deceived me.
---
I do not write to collect followers or fans. I do not write to inspire or heal, as someone I recently met wants to make her mark as a spiritual teacher and was asking me for advice. I was not in the position to advise this person, she is the one who has mentors and a good life full of abundance. Her life is working. When your life is working, it is best to refrain from asking counsel of someone whose life ISN'T working. The writing will come if it is meant to. I only began writing after that sweet soul broke my ego and my heart in to many pieces in December 2010.
I write solely for me, to make sense of this messy life of mine.
I have been given a gift but it is a flawed gift. The more I use it, express myself in the rawness and holiness and depravity that is All That Is, the less appealing it is for others.
Most of my insight from five years ago has also been lost somehow. Most things in this world still do not make sense to my system. I still wish to quit everything and retreat to North India and spend a year in contemplation and meditation with the Dalai Lama. Or somewhere similar with the same ethos of devotion to the Creator in reverent and sincere prayer and meditation and clearing.
I still do not know how to create money, so that I may live in ease and joy on this planet, and not secretly hope somehow a handsome, wealthy soulmate will fall in love with me and solve all my financial problems, so I could take the courses I need to take to elevate my spiritual power.
And so one of my closest friends who has immense inner and spiritual potential and power, is still working at the supermarket I finally left. It is as though all his ambition left his soul when he was halfway through his undergraduate at Kingston University. I have been struggling for two years to ignite his fire again so he can find his way back into his true destiny, to no avail. He is my mirror, and I mirror him.
And so we both remain as we are, until something inside of us shifts forever.
---
We learn when we learn. It is all pre-destined.
---
I write because it gives me relief, the big gaping wound in my soul needs solace and, where it once used to find solace in daydreaming, sleep, cutting my wrists with a sharp blade or starvation, my sometimes tormented soul now finds some relief in expressing the pain through the gift of expression.
---
During our difficult times, I feel it is best we remain silent when we witness another falling apart or falling back into a previous version of themselves.
Who on earth are we to guide or give counsel? It may be a past life being healed, or some other aspect that is playing out, all predestined.
Anyway, if we really cared, we'd actually pick up the phone and telephone that person. If we aren't motivated to do that, and remain in comfort behind a computer or smartphone screen, then I'd venture to suggest that it is best to remain silent.
It has become too easy for us all to administer sermons via social media and typing words onto a keyboard. Distortions are everywhere, and I am not only referring to individuals. The internet has innate power and all our communications are pubic or government property.
Such a farce of a democracy and free society we live in, it pains my mind.
---
I know that I am going through another intense period of falling apart and everything I have attempted to build is once more collapsing.
Why? I know why.
This time, I'll observe it. It is not in my control. Whether there were spiritual contracts or karmic locks or multiple and conflicting agendas, all I know is that my soul is being burned and purified.
It is much needed and I now prefer it to my ignorance and giving other people ill-placed advice.
The advice I have given in the past was then transmuted in taking away my identity multiple times, struggling to keep food on the table and live a reasonably worthy life.
---
Some people are meant to be forerunners, to argue, advocate, be full of energy and vitality. To actively stop the violence, degradation, disharmony and bloodshed and lies. To travel all the dimensions and be in full service of their Lord.
---
I incarnated this time to fall apart until I am One with the Beloved. In the most mundane sense and within the most uplifted realities.
He doesn't care how long it takes or how many hits my 3D life and personality takes.
Who knew that a lonely and solitary journey could stop tasting so bitter and have a sweetness around the edges?
---
May the Divine love and tenderness envelope our hearts, throats, eyes and ears so that all this conflict begins to dissolve.
- Sukaina Juma
12/10/2016
Day of Ashura and Yom Kippur
But I am also extremely tired. So perhaps tomorrow.
He ripped me to shreds yesterday. Either Mercury went direct and that's why, or Mercury was still in retrograde and that's why.
He's
stuck and doesn't want to grow as a soul and that's why communication
between us has always been stalled, stilted, hard. Just like with the
other boy.
I'm so done with this. Half the stuff he
told me, he does himself and doesn't realise it. What's so agonising is
the fact that we're stuck in this stupid canteen talking when there are
always other people about. Privacy goes out the window.
What
a shambles. I'm not inclined to write a poem about him. I finally gave
him his birthday present because I was on a high with the frequencies.
I just found (when you need it) a solfeggio frequency for connection and relating so I'm listening to that one. For myself.
Yesterday
felt like I had such a sucky interaction with him. You can't get past
the masculine bravado and I had tried in the beginning and he was
holding me hostage to that version of myself. I mean, once again, as
much as I try to be 100% myself, there is an energetic restriction
coming from this relationship. As much as we can have similar tastes in
things, and a similar view, it's just.... bs.
And it's taken me so long to feel all the pain of this.
Back
in April 2015 when i went for my first crystal healing with Sacha, she
had mentioned a murky green energy around my crown as a soulmate energy.
Green usually means healing, and in the end it is good, but it's also
murky. And I knew it was him.
Harshness. An invisible wall.
He's
the same soulmate energy, but if Immy was the first version, Nav is
the 2.0 version. I can't get through. I'm not meant to get through. And I'm
"too much" for him only because his behaviour and energy kicks me off. Triggers me off. I said as much on Monday, and he immediately said: so
I'm a pistol then. Fuck. Always distracting from serious and intensity. I
hate that. Sometimes a person can be too witty and just not grow up. Over
confident. Know it all. And not let me be who I am.
To
be honest, until I fell out of love with him last night, I was probably
still that person. The person who wanted to merge and be with him.
You can't reverse being loving, especially when you don't want to.
There has been a montage of all my life events flashing in front of my eyes.
He will never see that. He will never have the experience of seeing me at my worst.
So
to criticise me for my introverted behaviour is just wrong. To not seek
to understand and to pretend you're giving constructive feedback is wrong.
This is one thing I really dislike about him.
Thank you, Allah. I have been praying for the last three weeks for You to make me fall out of love with him.
Yesterday's so-called conversation killed it for me.
He did say that I am a unique person and he's never met anyone like me. That's a first. And that it was a compliment.
All my mind said was: huh, well, you haven't been meeting the right people then, have you?
Repeated
scenarios of a man whom I love with my big heart and him not listening,
not understanding, energy closed. I showed him my soul plan that day
because I was buzzing with energy and wanted to share that part of my beliefs with him
and all he said: well, to me, all this looks like voodoo mumbo jumbo.
And
I finally said to God: enough with the false flags and enough with the
false falling in love with people I'm not really in love with or meant
to be with.
So many crap relationships: Immy, Ay, the
customer guy, Nav... and the Somali colleague who keeps ignoring me, and giving me the creeps when he stares at me intently, and
the Bangladeshi guy who's 18. I make him nervous. Poor thing. They try
to impress me by being "cool", which ends up them being in an inexplicable dysfunctional
male mode - which is such a turn off for someone like me.
On
Monday, I really SAW how unbelievably harsh he can be when he's in his
ego. Just like I can be, and I became so because he ignited this anger
inside of me. Because he kept all of this secret for 16 months instead
of telling me right at the time of my "crime" that "hey, you're asking me too many questions,
please don't."
He isn't shy. He doesn't have qualms of speaking up for himself or disagreeing.
I told him, "you didn't tell me because it wasn't important enough to you to give me feedback to as a friend."
That's what has pissed me off. Why can't you just tell me? Do I come across as that unreasonable?
Just
like how my father is. Split. Generous and kind on the one hand, then
flips. Keeps it all inside. Why? Then vomits it all out in one go,
without any compassion at all.
And then when I do it, since he seems to be able to take it, he says I don't beat around the bush. That I'm very to the point.
As
if that's a bad thing. Like, how much time does he think we have to
faff around, to waffle around? Scorpio and Aries are both direct.
Part
of me was like: what, so you want me to be duplicitous like you, Mr Gemini? Or
take ages to make a point? We all have different talents, yet for some
reason this didn't seem to be understood by him. I can't fault him, like
my ego would like to.
In 2010, ripped Immy to pieces and
then God not only took him away from me, but God took away my sanity so
many times to make sure I never repeat that mistake with any of his
creatures again.
I still do, but it is repressed. My judgements are still there, and they attack my sanity.
With
Nav, it's just not worth the pain and energy. He's just another guy.
Because Immy was the first, it pained me a hundred times more. We also have a very intense and stubborn karmic lock.
The difference this time is that, alhamdulillah, Nav is just another extremely stubborn guy
with only half of the awareness he would need to be in a real
relationship with me. Not that he wants to be with me. He has NEVER felt
like that. EVER.
And, ha ha, that's kind of important in any relationship. The other soul actually has to be willing to engage.
Nav
is just the second guy I actually could speak to on my level, then I
found myself dragging myself down again. The environment of the supermarket is such
a seductress. I dumbed myself so much and to extricate myself from this
mess is taking long. Just because my ego is greedy for the annual bonus
that we will get inshallah on 26th February.
Whoever
said that Gemini and Aries suns would get along was a liar. And that he
has a Moon in Scorpio is funny. He can't see it. And I like a fool tried
to teach him. Fool again.
Not just with him, with J, Faiz, Ay... all of them.
I
think now the fairytales are being ripped apart, I know that this is real
life. Most of them don't care, and most of them will never activate their
soul plan in the way mine was. They will do it organically, just by
being human. God has given each of them a lot more energy than I
currently have.
That's what happens when you're
recovering from another bout of depression. You lose contact with the
real world. And make an utter fool of yourself. Because of my
fascination with the occult and energy and higher realms, I lose my
sight of the man standing in front of me. I see his soul, not how he currently sees himself.
Shimmering souls. But then, my viewpoint changes and, all of a sudden, I no longer see them as souls. And I see their human selves and judge.
This really needs to be balanced out now. I'm a grown up soul now. Please, Allah. Please.
Give
me someone who doesn't need to give a running commentary about every
single happening, whose eyes stay locked into mine when we are speaking,
instead of flitting about to someone else just because he is a Gemini.
So annoying.
And then not having the guts to continue a
conversation, to be kind and hold the space for my anger and
frustration and grief... I still didn't tell him how much I've cried,
because he won't allow me that freedom and that truth.
So
he deflects to another colleague spends 15 minutes chatting about
stupid football and then walks off without saying goodbye. That is rude
and it is not cricket.
Not for me.
He was hurt that I
said it feels he is always making fun of me. He wanted to clear up the miscommunication, but
then lacked the courage and it was too intense for him. Fair enough. I
like pain, I guess. After he left, I wrote a bit and waited until I could
feel the hurt and pain beneath the anger and then I cried for 15 minutes.
I'd have cried more, but the awakening processing was so strong I am
still quite dehydrated.
I know I deserve a real
relationship. Or no more false flags - whereby my imagination doesn't
create romance when it's just an intense learning process with a
masculine energy. At least I am learning not to take it personally. It's
just being humans with one another. And one of us remembering finally,
and the other still in amnesia. Well, more in the dark than I am.
I
guess this is why I had to wait for so long before telling him I loved
him. Because I would not have been strong enough to handle his shit
earlier; You saw how I was with going to Turkey and going to Egypt. I
was still so fragile and I needed love and affection from him.
I
actually needed it.
And now, I know better than to
flirt with men find I love and am attracted to. Or rather, there must be
someone who won't mind, and will actually get turned on by my flirting
method. And who won't make me feel very unsafe and nauseated like men
make me feel.
I had written "all for the greater good of learning to keep your mouth shut."
But that's not the point. I will choose differently, make a different decision.
I
know who I am. I am the me I want myself to be. Those versions of J Lo,
of Christian Aguilera, the versions of women being real women.
Empowered and also feminine and also masculine.
The
author, the one who writes truth in a wry, witty way. The one who also
speaks with authenticity and courage. The one who does Latin dance and
anything she bloody wants to. The one who earns money and travels and
loves fiercely and is given room to be herself. Free to be proudly
bisexual and a sexual being, even if she's all theory and still no
action quite as yet.
And if Nav can't handle it, I will
divert my truth to myself. And to those who are conscious. He's on the
brink of consciousness, he's actually more like U now I think of it.
And I was ten times more a moron and shy and weird with U. God knows
how he put up with me. But then that was fake, too.
And
I've just realised if my Moon in Scorpio and Scorpio ascendant has such
a Marmite effect on people and attracts men like bees, then Nav also
has that same magnetic charisma... his Moon is in Scorpio too. So I
couldn't help it, in that sense it's not personal. I'm not the first
victim. That's why he gets fed up with me. And also why I couldn't help
myself.
Enough of this bs.
Energetic prisons. All my relationships with men fell like energetic prisons.
All stemming back to my relationship with nana, my dad and my mother.
He
hated all the questions I had asked him in the beginning. He actually
didn't like the forthright way I flirted with him. I had said, you can't
help yourself. I couldn't. It was same with Immy. I couldn't help it.
It was automatic. When I want something, I want something and why would I
hide my love and desires? Makes no sense.
I told him, look, there was a good reason behind my asking the questions. And trust me, I won't be asking any more questions.
And
I won't. We only have a month left with each other. Only see each other
once or twice a week. Always start with fakeness, hello, how are you?
Or Miss Juma.... he tries so hard to be suave and intelligent, the git.
Can't see his own rawness, and his own rough edges... the Scorpio parts,
and then when I'm encouraging him to be more real just with my own
behaviour, he can't take his own shadow. Well, tough shit.
We
were never compatible. God just likes me to be furiously in love and
attracted to men I can never be with. Never able to be with them,
distant. Karma.
Whether or not the vision I had about
WW2 was accurate or not, I must have just been so cruel. To feel this
pain in my heart, and to continue to shed these tears and be this frustrated.
It hurt my heart. Physical burning that only stopped when I distracted myself with Zumba earlier today.
Don't fool yourself any longer, Sukaynah.
You'll be leaving in a month and have nothing to show for it.
Well,
not nothing. A generic souvenir from Dubai which you'll probably keep
until you get annoyed because it's such a generic crappy gift and give
it away.
The thing about life is that it really is as stupid as it sounds sometimes.
I
got nothing except a few memories and some suffering and hurt. Took me
16 months to tell him because I was scared and the circumstances dictated there was nothing I could do. So I
just got frustrated, and I over ate and got depressed and stressed. Giving
him puppy dog eyes every time I saw him and him giving me his manic
smile, the smile he gives everyone.
And he really could care less as a man.
It's really saddening for my heart, especially when he called me overemotional.
It was Immy all over again.
I don't like it and I deserve someone who can allow me to see him and him to see me.
For
some reason, after Zumba today, I became flirty with a much older guy
working at Hammersmith on the TfL. I was relaxed and felt more safe inside of myself.
I ask for my childlike innocence back, and the confidence I had. Please. It's mine after all.
At
least, one thing I will grant is that he had been ignoring me all those
times because my mood was off and so he didn't want to talk to me out
of fear of what I'd say.
I acknowledge that people can
get scared of me. Especially since they don't understand my love for them
would change my behaviour. There is so much affection for him in my
heart, yet he blocks it and just can't FEEL it. It's funny. And it's how
I've been most of my life.
Behaviour and moods are not static, especially for a light worker. But he won't get that. Perhaps never.
Thank you, father energy.
Fucking hate it.
Makes
you doubt the femininity in you as something valid. When in that
environment, my me-ness goes out. The divinity, or my truth is diluted,
and I believe in his reality.
Pakistani male programming and too much intellect and not enough gut or heart.
We delude ourselves, then we ask to be woken up.
And we lose the people we love the most. Again.
I've
booked a counselling session at the Wimbledon Guild because I recognise
the familiar signs of going under. I'm not saying I am weak, I'm saying
I fall hard and I don't want to be contemplating walking in front of a
car on a road like I did three weeks ago.
S had made a joke on the last day of the soul spa when I was trying so hard to become a psychic.
A
couldn't read the energy of my small book and it was partly my fault
because I was being smart and gave a book I'd hardly used instead of
something with more of my energy on it. Scorpio, lol. Not playing the
game or making things easier for the poor person.
So took him ages to figure it was me.
And she made a joke: if you can figure out her complicated energy, you're good. You'll now be able to figure anyone else out.
It's just that my 12th house also has Scorpio in it.
Even I can't figure myself out.
So stop trying. I stopped ages ago.
I
will go feed some Syrian babies now, or help some kids on ChildLine. Or
actually look for a job in London. Or Bristol or Bath or Bournemouth.
Or Southampton.
And take a long bubble bath with salt. Body still is smashed after the Awakening on Saturday.
Can't be bothered with this shit any longer.
I had told him "there's so much stuff I have experienced, I can't even explain it."
He asked, "is it all that you've told me that I know or something else?"
So I said, "Some is what I've told you and some is what I haven't. I can't
even tell you half the stuff I know, because you wouldn't understand,
you're not ready for that information."
It's like something happens, you change your world view and are like, wow, I never imagined that was possible, and it is.
You
know you can't really be intimate with someone you can't share your
world with. Who doesn't really care either way.
And who will never want
to share his world with you.
Next!
*** Edited on Wednesday morning so its much more coherent ***
