Forgiveness Is Almost Complete

No matter how many people's worlds fall apart in front of your eyes
And no matter how many people tell you they are afraid
Always know they are being helped
And take a few steps back, pause, ask if you are needed.

If you are still plugging holes in your own void, there is no way in hell your energy will help them.
Your words will fall flat and it will seem that both of you wasted a lot of time.

But even when you make those mistakes that harm your soul, if somehow your care and love relieved their burden for a few minutes. then it was God's appointment. There was no one else at the time, so you were chosen.

But always give them their burdens back. Or give the burdens to God.

Do not carry with them into your heart, so that you lose your sleep.
Most of us know this by now, there is just one person this is an instruction to...
The best instruction is that done in silence and in remembrance of the dust that is the humble vessel of the magnificent Soul....
There are lessons in speaking our truths - for each and every one of us.
There are lessons in forgetting the truths we once knew - for each of us.

For me, this avatar known as Sukaina, I have to make peace with learning and understanding in my core that I died when I was 18 and was not given a manual to activate. At 33, I still do not have that manual due to my state being similar for the last ten years.

We die every night. We must intend to die every night. For if we don't, we carry the residue of our meagre selves with us. We remember things we were better off forgetting.
We maintain attachments out of fear and lack of understanding.
There is great freedom in dying to ourselves every night, every day, every breath....
We were not created nor were we incarnated to remain imprisoned.

Not in this era.

It is so difficult and yet, when you die with every breath, you surrender that part of you that has obscured Your Light from You.

Your eyes see better, your breast doesn't have the urge to hold convictions and defend them to the death.

Other people's happy endings mean more to you than your own. When another's successes are as satisfying to you as your own, you know you have succeeded a little more in dissolving.

You look at the state of your own existence, to every single obstacle and failing and say, "Praise be to the Creator Who has ensured that I face such obstacles."
 
You die. You do die. It is just a matter of when and how.

There are parts that continue to fight.
There are parts that are still feeling the void.
Within everything, there is such a sweet lesson that it breaks my heart and tears fall upon the cheeks in silence.

So much ugliness and beauty. So much separation and connection.

One day I feel as though all odds are against me
Another day, people are being catalysed once again beyond my intentions.
There truly is only power when the divine is allowed to take over.
And when there is stuckness, that has to be accepted as another form of spiritual training.
At some point, balance will be maintained forever.


But the soul must be allowed to express itself, within the sacred boundaries. To refuse any soul their expression is to deny them their grace. Even when it is something you would rather not hear.
Walk away, bow your head - the words will miss you.

For only the souls who are still in separation are aware of it. If you feel that the sacred soul in front of you is somehow in need of poking and prodding, make sure you double check the soul contract first.

For none of us are truly free from the mistakes of correcting another. It is such an old pattern that the helpers within us carry.

Sight is granted organically, hearing is too.

We can only share our own experiences, all of which can never truly be experienced by anyone other than us. Just ask for light and for relief. It is granted. It is always granted.

Even when you asked for a challenging life.

Nothing is static and all existences are now.
Tap into the ease and the self love and empowerment.
The body, the mind, the money issues will all heal.

You may need to allow your heart to grieve again, though. That was a divine bond that was interfered with and then ruthlessly cut away.
 

Forgiveness is almost complete, but not entirely.

- Sukaina Juma
1/11/2016

During Our Difficult Times

'O Soul of mine
You have been born free
Yet you incarnated onto a planet
Enslaved
And you therefore have taken upon you
many faces and roles that you assumed
You needed in order to survive on this
Somewhat hostile planet

Every time you feel you may have found a friend
They fail you. It is just a mirror.
For you must have failed yourself or another as well.
They are your most Beloved teachers
Showing you all the ways in which you express yourself
And are still unaware of it.

Every time you feel you may have created peace
The opposite also occurs.

Every time to speak up for the truth, whether it be yours
Or someone else's
You are sometimes silenced
As much by the positivity of your fellow lightworkers
As you are by the darkness of those who fear the Light.
The more you seek to speak that truth that you hid for aeons
The more others wish to shut it down with their own truths.
This is something we must accept.

You haven't even stepped up to your true life's calling and feel slighted.
Your skin needs to be thickened even more
Your soul must be purified even more, so that all the past mishaps are no longer repeated.

Was the auspiciousness of this era on Earth
Worth all the crap?
To the point it leaves you so bereft of energy and life
You can't even think of an eloquent synonym for crap?'

For many, this year has been a relief of the years of crazy energetics pounding this earth of ours. For me, it has been a sliver of light after many years of darkness. And yet, this year has also shown me how much is predestined.

Matt Kahn says as much, that what if everything is predestined and the free will is how you respond to things? I agree with that point. It makes life feel less constrictive.

In the last month, I have set intentions and cleared my energy. I have gone to energy healings and did my best to maintain connections with people I felt understood me. I was working temporarily in an enrolments office and did my best to set intentions of service and healing.

And today, I've realised that I've made many errors at work that have very real repercussions on people's lives, as well as a monetary and reputational cost for the organisation. I have been humiliated and verbally abused on the telephone. The connections I've attempted to maintain just haven't worked out. My body was in pain from the commute and my personal life became non-existent.

You just accept that this is how it is.

During our difficult times, little can make sense. There has always been a fine line between my acceptance of life being the crapfest is sometimes is and resignation that it will always be this same crapfest.

I have noticed that my spiritual awakening is very erratic.

I constantly fall back asleep, and then I experience life from a very constrained lens, and the people in my life behave extremely bizarrely. In this year of 2016, I have had to stay in a workplace that was killing my confidence and my soul, then remain unemployed and humiliated for a long period of time. I felt intense anger and pain at the betrayal of a so-called spiritual teacher who has, as  lot of them may have done, taken bits and pieces from the font of wisdom and sold it to others for great profit.

Even now, I am writing this but I have had to let go of the identification of being this amazing writer. The only publisher I felt might be willing to publish me has also gone on another path and not even responded to my last messages. I am sure this is leading me to a more suitable life experience for  me, if I but only knew.

I have finished a one month internship position as an administrator at SOAS; it too has left my nerves in shock. I never realised that my presence is enough to make people's content come up. No matter how many intentions, shields, blue light, angels I call upon, never seems to work in the densest parts of central London.

And now I sit here, in a library that ought to be quiet save for a beautiful soul who has been throwing books, papers and plastic bags around for the last 30 minutes, and I write this.

I am having cold-like symptoms which have lowered my productivity, I have woken up from dreams about all the mistakes I unintentionally made at work, I ruminate over the videos of bloodshed and crying children in Yemen, Lebanon, Syria, etc. I look at videos of the state of water in areas where fracking is doing great business.

I also observe the comments I receive on my Facebook updates expressing my frustration about Starbucks and how people I thought were clued in still give them money. I've been told to let live.

It makes me smile inside, that wise, old part of me when I experience these things.

For years, I never was allowed to speak because I feared my wrath, the intense nature of my anger. There is a lot in the world I do not agree with and, at that time, I would just let rip and attack everyone verbally for being "wrong" and "evil".

Now I am aware of my own darkness and my own looming shadows and frequently attempt to jump timelines and reset who I am because it is not fair on me to remain in that old hologram when everyone else gives themselves freedom to change and morph.

Yet, the ones I wish to impact, the ones I wish would see me for my light and loving nature and purity, they have filters that block it from them. They are stingy in their acknowledgement. They tell me things that are new to them, yet I perhaps have already experienced. All this teaches me is to remain humble and never underestimate another person's experiences. no matter how they behave with you, I need to remain in a high state of mind instead of wishing to do the Scorpio Moon thing and lash out.

In all seriousness, if I find the response to this post is harmful to me, and I feel I have to edit this piece I have written and published, I actually will. I might pull the entire article if need be. If my energy still attracts critics and people who never contemplate or allow someone to just express themselves without the need for feedback, so be it.

I am so very tired of pretending to be less spiritual than I am, less connected that I wish to be, less aware and awake than I am. I am so tired of following what the content marketing course told me to be. Blog consistently: once a week at least, and then stick to that regime. That is the way you keep your followers and build traction online.

What about caveats for spiritual dark nights of the soul, major karmic and ego cleansing and a regression into profound depression?

Where is the inclusivity in that?

Did Keats or James Joyce or T.S. Eliot ever have a reliable writing schedule? Perhaps. But I do not!

Sometimes people write for the immense pleasure of writing. Of expression.

We aren't here to sell you gold and glamour of this earthly plane.
We aren't here to make millions through nonsensical stocks and online marketing schemes.

We came here in purity, in service. This earth isn't even our real home.

We came here to awaken ourselves first (because we thought it would be fun) ...and then you all were meant to awaken in our stead - the critical mass, the ripple effect.

Some of us aren't as successful as we had hoped we would be. I am hardly as successful. My words are still furiously misinterpreted and I either attract opinions from religiously programmed souls who wish to impress upon me I am a woman and must cover myself, whilst quoting Hafez and Rumi in the same breath.

Or I have people telling me how crappy my karma is, how my personal objections to how Starbucks and M&S promote the violence and injustice to the world are judgemental and how I really I ought to live and let live.

All I can do is laugh softly to myself. Sardonically, I will admit, but I am as much shadow as I am light.

You can't win, can you?

Maybe I've come to the point I just can't expend any more energy caring about what other people think or say.

All I care about is seeing children covered in blood and crying (or not crying) as their cities and lives and buildings are destroyed by maniacs who rule countries for power and greed. This should NEVER be allowed to continue, YET IT CONTINUES.

I don't care if this too is the balancing out of karma. I know what happened in this area during the holy sacred month of Muharram and the day of Ashura and the aftermath. It is the descendants paying the price.

Still. It needs to stop. Karma can always be balanced in a way that is full of grace and mercy.

These "leaders" have no remorse or humility in their eyes. And yet we still allow them in the positions whereby they make decisions that affect our drinking water, our air, our food, our very sovereignty?

All I care about is knowing the truth about vaccines: do they contain implants and control mechanisms or not? A simple yes or no will suffice.

All I care about is people understand fluoride IS A POISON, non-fluoride toothpaste and reverse osmosis tap machines aren't produced on a whim and that chem trails are REAL. That we actually look up into the sky and realise this about chem trails... and then DO something about it.

All I want is some very wealthy good people to buy out Monsanto and Facebook and Microsoft so their crap can STOP. How is wanting real healthy nutritious food revolutionary or a conspiracy theory?

I have been fully deprived of knowledge of the nether realms, possibly because I get so upset I would explode it or something. I have spent years sharing what little of the truth I know with others who just will not care nor listen.

And now, even when I have quieted down and learnt that I am my own counsel, I still sometimes make the oft-repeated mistake of venting my grief on Facebook. On my own Facebook wall. And even then, there is this inherent need amongst the purest and lightest of us to comment on the rants. All I asked was the opportunity to let me just express myself and my ramblings.

---

It would seem that the energies are intense and we all are going through our difficult times.

Compassion is most needed now, as is true divine love for all the parts of me and all the days I have messed up, I have lost my temper, I have lost my mind, I have expressed my deep intense truth. For all the days my efforts were cruelly unreceived, my love was rejected, and sometimes people intentionally deceived me.

---

I do not write to collect followers or fans. I do not write to inspire or heal, as someone I recently met wants to make her mark as a spiritual teacher and was asking me for advice. I was not in the position to advise this person, she is the one who has mentors and a good life full of abundance. Her life is working. When your life is working, it is best to refrain from asking counsel of someone whose life ISN'T working. The writing will come if it is meant to. I only began writing after that sweet soul broke my ego and my heart in to many pieces in December 2010.

I write solely for me, to make sense of this messy life of mine.

I have been given a gift but it is a flawed gift. The more I use it, express myself in the rawness and holiness and depravity that is All That Is, the less appealing it is for others.

Most of my insight from five years ago has also been lost somehow. Most things in this world still do not make sense to my system. I still wish to quit everything and retreat to North India and spend a year in contemplation and meditation with the Dalai Lama. Or somewhere similar with the same ethos of devotion to the Creator in reverent and sincere prayer and meditation and clearing.

I still do not know how to create money, so that I may live in ease and joy on this planet, and not secretly hope somehow a handsome, wealthy soulmate will fall in love with me and solve all my financial problems, so I could take the courses I need to take to elevate my spiritual power.

And so one of my closest friends who has immense inner and spiritual potential and power, is still working at the supermarket I finally left. It is as though all his ambition left his soul when he was halfway through his undergraduate at Kingston University. I have been struggling for two years to ignite his fire again so he can find his way back into his true destiny, to no avail. He is my mirror, and I mirror him.

And so we both remain as we are, until something inside of us shifts forever.
---

We learn when we learn. It is all pre-destined.

---

I write because it gives me relief, the big gaping wound in my soul needs solace and, where it once used to find solace in daydreaming, sleep, cutting my wrists with a sharp blade or starvation, my sometimes tormented soul now finds some relief in expressing the pain through the gift of expression.

---

During our difficult times, I feel it is best we remain silent when we witness another falling apart or falling back into a previous version of themselves.

Who on earth are we to guide or give counsel? It may be a past life being healed, or some other aspect that is playing out, all predestined.

Anyway, if we really cared, we'd actually pick up the phone and telephone that person. If we aren't motivated to do that, and remain in comfort behind a computer or smartphone screen, then I'd venture to suggest that it is best to remain silent.

It has become too easy for us all to administer sermons via social media and typing words onto a keyboard. Distortions are everywhere, and I am not only referring to individuals. The internet has innate power and all our communications are pubic or government property.

Such a farce of a democracy and free society we live in, it pains my mind.

---

I know that I am going through another intense period of falling apart and everything I have attempted to build is once more collapsing.

Why?  I know why.

This time, I'll observe it. It is not in my control. Whether there were spiritual contracts or karmic locks or multiple and conflicting agendas, all I know is that my soul is being burned and purified.

It is much needed and I now prefer it to my ignorance and giving other people ill-placed advice.

The advice I have given in the past was then transmuted in taking away my identity multiple times, struggling to keep food on the table and live a reasonably worthy life.

---

Some people are meant to be forerunners, to argue, advocate, be full of energy and vitality. To actively stop the violence, degradation, disharmony and bloodshed and lies. To travel all the dimensions and be in full service of their Lord.

---

I incarnated this time to fall apart until I am One with the Beloved. In the most mundane sense and within the most uplifted realities.

He doesn't care how long it takes or how many hits my 3D life and personality takes.

Who knew that a lonely and solitary journey could stop tasting so bitter and have a sweetness around the edges?

---

May the Divine love and tenderness envelope our hearts, throats, eyes and ears so that all this conflict begins to dissolve.

- Sukaina Juma
12/10/2016
Day of Ashura and Yom Kippur

dew to the mangled heart

dew to the mangled heart

We none of us have the answers
Which are wrapped up in vulnerable layers
Of pain and remembrance
In each individual soul.

Sometimes, we bless ourselves with
A chance meeting in a crystal shop
Or stable, surrounded by beauty and
Angels, dropping pearls of wisdom into
One's ever grateful heart
(that's not a euphemism for answering
The call of nature, by the way).

We get a wink and a nudge,
Maybe a block of homemade fudge
And are wrapped up warm and
Sent on our way.

I don't have a desire to see ghosts,
Spirits, entities
The lovers and friends from the past
Do enough of their entrancing dance
Inside of my head and soul
Until I whimper for God's grace
To clot my bleeding heart.

We show each other our own light
Uniquely similar
We reflect their lights to them,
Some receive, others balk and
Dishonour the contracts.

When you drop your treasured green
Shamanic pi-stone and it divides
Into four equal pieces
And your personality has matured
So you let it go...

You are most likely ready to let go of
The ghosties and ghoulies invading your space.
It's time to go, fellas.
Every single one of you.

"Come, come.
Even though you have broken
Your vow a thousand times,
Still come."

Those words of a humble poet
Bring back the dew to the mangled heart
Of a Beloved.
One whose heart, mind and soul
Still lack the tranquility she craves.



Yet it is easily bestowed upon others.

~ Sukaina Juma
25.09.2015

the Tyger's jaws

the Tyger's jaws (temporary title)

What does it take to not be a lemming in the world?
To be free to be yourself?
To feel safe to speak, to see, to hear....
What does it take to inspire yourself?
Outside of parameters, systems, rules, myths, laws of attraction, protocols,
And all the rest of it?
What does it take to remember who you are?
That young girl who went to Canada with misty eyes full of hope?
They opened an entire world to her,
Full of Romanticism, analysis, kindred spirits,
Potential, never really actualised.
North America, for all its faults, has an ever expanding energy.
You go there, you feel liberated, like the eagle.
Nothing to do with amendments, laws, spying.
Just Earth. Mountains. From sea to shining sea.
A yawning canyon that swallows up whole the entire calm sky.
A drawl that loosens the inhibitions.
Fantasies perhaps.
Yet, pioneering in a sense.

I always think I've understood,
I've caught on to the elusive fabric of reality.
An eighth energy centre, sparkling clean.
They say I live outside my body too much.

I can't seem to paint upon this canvas,
nothing meaningful,
Droplets, squiggles, a half hearted pear.

I do not remember agreeing to this,
nor do I understand how I could be so blind and closed up, walled in.

Yet, here I am, this husk of a woman,
Breathing before you
Disoriented.

I have forgotten all.

"Where are my soul friends?
Where is the flint to ignite my fire?"
She asks forlornly.

Who are those who truly understand? Hopes, dreams, passion... ou-etes vous?

Sometimes, we agree to things,
To delay things.
To abstain.

To attain vertical height and levitation,
To do acrobatics in the higher realms,
at the risk of any horizontal progress at all.

We forget that both are possible,
And that self punishment and self denial,
and this unbearable sense of pining for that which has been lost,
Or for that which will is not to be.

Is futile.

Futility in existence...
And yet,
Lilacs bloom every spring.

And she remembers how Chicken Soup for The Teenage Soul
saved her life. 
Continuously revived her,
After countless mini deaths.

The ones who artfully sliced her heart,
then mended it with cookies, milk and
a book for teenagers going through angst.

Poetically messy and artful in decimation.

When do we stop regenerating as lemmings,
and start Being fearless individuals,
unswayed by energies and stardust pelting down upon the earth,
unceasingly, cutting up into ribbons,
then carefully piecing us all back,
raw, bloodless,
Real?

Time and space do not exist.
The cycle is endless.

First, there was the Word.
And then,
Chaos reigned.

Such is the pattern.
There is measured kindness melted into
the Tyger's jaws.

~ Sukaina Juma, 6th February 2014

She Walks To Thee Barefoot

She walks to Thee barefoot.

Her destiny is changed:
she now seeks Thee on this plane of humanity, 
of duality.

Thou asked her for so much.

To love unconditionally in the places where there was none of Thy light.

Thou asketh her to love herself first. 
How does one love oneself with the passion and the purity 
as Thou dost?

How does she keep her soul intact, 
her dreams alive, 
her love a never-ending source of comfort and softness
to those who seek her out?

She walks to Thee barefoot...
on the sands of Kerbala...
on the sands of Turkey, Egypt... 
all over the world she seeks Thy face.

She walks to Thee in trepidation,
for she is nothing as You envisaged.

She is broken, she is mangled,
bits of her being are still embedded in the hearts of others.

She needs release... she cannot find it.

Please bring her back to the place she calls Home.

Take her back into Thy arms... she finds great comfort there.

Thou art the only recourse when all else falls away....

Why is there such separation, such emptiness?

I ask Thee, of my free will, to bring me back to thy pathway, 
to prostrate to Thee on the muddied turbah that brings my heart such peace.

Ala bi dhikrillahi tatma'3inal quloob...

Your child seeks Thee, surely you cannot deny her her home again? 
Surely Thou art the Merciful, 
the One who brings her to Thou holiest of places and anoints her 
with the powder of Holiness, of sanctity

Of Purity....

She seeks to become 
Taherah... 
Zahidah... 
Saajedah....

Deny her not.

You did not deny those who love Thee, nor those whom Thou loves....

How can you deny the sinner,
the wretched, the unoriginal,
the blind, the slave to man,
the one attached to this world and all the illusions?

The ignorant are in more need of Thy love than those who know.

I walk to Thee barefoot...
may I soon fly to Thee with glistening wings of light...

This is not what I had thought my pathway would be.

Allah... ou-es Toi?
And Who Am I?

Sukaina Juma
24 March 2013

Walk, just walk...

But where is this gathering?
- I don't know, my little angel
But do the others know?
- No, they don't know either
How can you go to a gathering without
knowing where it is?
- It suffices to walk, just walk.
Those who are invited will find the way
(from a Sufi story)