so hidden in God

“A woman's heart
should be so hidden
in God that a man has
to seek Him
just
to
find
her.”

- Maya Angelou



****

i tried again, God.

i thought this time would be different
but it just showed me
my delusions and denials.

maybe i was destined
to find a child-like friend
but someone who doesn't even
have the inclination to talk
on the phone.

yet, i love him.
it's a pure love
from one pure soul
for another

i don't even think he loves me back
not in the way i need
just as a friend
or family

i have to go through yet another
grieving process
it's in the eyes
in the heart
in the thymus
grief
disappointment
rage


i am truly appreciative
for the connection
past-life or beyond incarnation

i was trying to make friends with
someone else
but he is in a lot of pain
and my strongly held opinions
clashed with his -
he told me to leave him alone

the losses increase
and You are trying to get through to me

the material tokens
the prestige
the years
the people

i remind myself how some dervishes look on the outside

unkempt
in direct communion with Thee

have i ever experienced a single moment
in my life of that grace
that direct connection with Thee?

am i settling again for form
and not allowing it all to wash away
into molecules
into atoms?

i would like to feel
i am such a woman
who is hidden in God

https://pixabay.com/photos/woman-girl-eye-models-scarf-590490/ caption

i feel i may be one
who is hidden
from
God



i am no longer hiding

but i feel i am still hidden

they tell me to make a list
to buy two pink candles
to recite verses
to make a spell

but is that all that is required
to finally be with a Soul
who is my perfect complement
my soul-mate

a man who would actually recognise me
at first sight
rather than the other way round

the man who would see Goddess
inside of me
and his heart would open
with recognition, love and worship
of Thee

recognising my Light
understanding that I am still only a fallible human,
with many weaknesses,
immense hcallenges,
intense Scorpio energy,
but the respect, the love, the compassion
and the feeling of homecoming,
recognition
would ooze through his eyes?

he would match me in stillness
and i would match him in vigour
we would speak
without speaking

we would not feel ashamed
of gazing into each other's souls

no shame in fucking each other's brains out
whilst calling Thy Holy names
filled with gratitude for Thy plan

pure tantra
pure Union
pure love-making

matching our lust and love into
a litany, an ode
a whispered prayer
a relieved thank you
after my 15 year search

the emotional healing would
of course be in process
but there would be the emotional
connection
most of my holes would be filled
with ME
so that they were no longer hole
but just holy

and the same for him

and my irritability would be
tempered by peace
wisdom
matched by his
wisdom
humility
saying salaam
to humility

the complement
to my mission
on this planet
of self healing
healing others
learning from foolish mistakes
figuring out how to be financially
abundant

he would help me build
my spiritual centre
the healing modality
would heal his traumas

he would understand
the light language
flowing from my hands

and we would both dream of one another
without even making a bedtime intention

but, dearest little one,
you would need to be
an entirely different woman

to the one you show up as right now

frequency
vibes
good luck

just breathe

agar hona hai, hoga eventually
agar iss baari kuch nahi hona

toh hona nahi hai

the end-game is activating and aligning with
my own masculine energy
and truly loving myself as i would like another to love me

and unconditionally love
all the others who crossed my path
and then ran off


my discernment requires work
and this codependency needs
a BPL (bum peh laat)

hide inside of God
the real one
not the ones all these new age people
all these religious people

are shoving down your third eye
implanting you with false ideologies

tu abhi bachhi nahi rahi

grow up, yaar
mature

maturation is vital for meeting with God

and an understanding
that He causes the blindness

and that you only call Him He
because
someone told you to do so

it is of course a moot point
but it does make one question

Sukaina Juma
07/01/2020

(N.B. I'm not even venturing to ask you for a woman - the attraction hasn't ever been so strong that anything happened. Although I am most definitely bisexual, it's more a concept, more an understanding, a vehicle for compassion and tolerance, but not a real experience. Connections are soul based. For some reason, I don't gel with any of the women I have ever met in that way. Meeting the wrong women, then!)

because i did this willingly

Picture taken from Pixabay

there are just too many of these intense emotions

i have had to deal with these emotions
this deadness
this pretense
for four months

only to wake up
and find that the reality has not shifted

i mean, it has
but there is massive shadow work going on here

and i just do not understand

the constant collapsing

i keep using that word

because this is what it is

i, too, wish to live a superficial life
a happy one
one that functions

so many things on this to-do list
that remain on it

driving lessons and actually get a driving license
training for various things i may not be able to

so many things on this list

if i was to list them all
i'd be sobbing again in despair
because it feels as though they will not be accomplished in this lifetime

do you realise, dear reader, just how tiring and annoying it is to feel the same things
and go running after one healer, then another, then a third

they all helped. don't get me wrong.

but most could only help to a certain degree.

and i sway between knowing how to heal myself and not knowing anything at all

i got so excited when i met A online
and then H
i just assumed that somehow the bad luck had finished

i thought it wouldn't matter that i'm not earning an income at all
i'm not studying
i'm comatose but not really

i assumed it would all work out
because i did this willingly
because i was free from the matrix of work, taxes, 9-5 drivel
because i had plans
so many plans
because i was living alone and therefore untethered by the
dense energy of the father figure

it didn't
H ended up having his own mental health issues
and didn't want to talk after a really good phone conversation
so I've deleted his number so I won't get tempted
to send him a message when I am feeling lonely

A isn't the right partner for me
funnily enough, he's too desi and too involved with family
he couldn't appreciate my sincere love and affection for him
he doesn't call me and doesn't wish to see me badly enough
he can drive to Bolton and to Leicester for friends he has known for years
but not me
and i understand
who am i except an open healer?
who may be able to activate something
or give some paltry advice about social norms
and how to behave around people
i've become an aunty to dispense advice when requested
and i was doing it otherwise as well

W was never meant to be in my life
yet i allowed him do to his eloquence
and my desperate loneliness
and i feel all empty inside
the words are just words
just like Manu
their energies are similar
both are probably amazing souls
but are messed up when I met them
give me nothing
only take, drain, reject, overly sensitive, harmful, abusive
unawakened

this loneliness is key
it needs healing

i understand why
right now, i wish i could dump me somewhere
until i can sort myself out

but is that how we treat humans?

even the ones who are going through so much?

****

this is a very raw piece of writing
i don't wish to publish it

for it exposes how much of a human i am
a broken woman

listening to billie eilish on repeat
everything i wanted

"i had a dream
i got everything i wanted
not what you think
and if i'm being honest

it might have been a nightmare
to anyone who might care

thought i could fly
so i stepped off the golden
nobody cried
nobody even noticed

i saw them standing right there
kind of thought they might care

i had a dream
i got everything i wanted
but when i wake up, i see
you with me

and you say
as long as i'm here
no one can hurt you

don't wanna lie here
but you can learn to
if i could change the way that you see yourself

you wouldn't wonder why you hear
"they don't deserve you"

i tried to scream
but my head was under water
they called me weak
like i'm not just somebody's daughter... "

ALL RIGHTS OF LYRICS RESERVED - BILLIE EILISH

The Face Of a Collapsed Star

THE FACE OF A COLLAPSED STAR

Do not be sad
Collapse is the pathway for some
We are dragged to the depths
We are
We are dragged

D r a g g e d

We had plans
We wanted a beautiful life

We got this

Scrambling for morsels of the world
Disconnection from God
Higher chakras blocked
Lower chakras interfered with

Ab 2020 bhi aa chuka
Aur har cheez tooti pari

But I must smile
I must, I must

To remain slumped
I will have been destroyed

Log dekhte hain
Samajhte nahin

Expectations are something
I am burying tonight

Watching a film called
Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara
Wearing a lehenga meant for a wedding

I'll go to sleep
Putting psychic protection over myself

And that's that

May I find the clarity and discernment
I need
To thrive

I don't think there is another way.

Please let this be the last breaking down

I can't take it any longer, Allah

Bilkul torna chahte ho?

Bakhsh bhi do....

Sukaina Juma
31/12/2019

Surrender to Truths

I think there's great empowerment and power
to be had for being alone
for so long.

Hopefully, when the world goes crazy,
the Universe will have blessed us
with inner strength and detachment
like the ascended masters and saints

Like in the East direction of the Shamanic wheel

Eagle eyes

And we can remain
unmoved

and remain
in full integrity
no matter what...

Because that's the aim
of this life
for us at least...
To fully merge
with the Divine
and be in service

and not allow the losses
and tribulations of this life
and incarnation
make us weak and
fall back into
weakness
and ego

For we will be honoured
To be in that state
Of strength and power
Inwardly

Knowing the Beloved Light
The Beloved
So intimately
That nothing
Can trouble us for long

Because environmental disaster
Is already upon us
And some of us have not seen
Real disaster

And we will cave
And we will splatter
And freak out

And not be able to handle
Floods
Hurricanes
Riots
Water shortages
Poison

I am unsure how people
In the middle East cope
How do they maintain their dignity

It is so difficult when
Fear still grips at you

At your weaknesses

Draws out each one
Silently
Attentively

And amplifies it

I no longer play that game

I saw enough suffering on my screen

And I realised that Palestine is
Still a living hell
And has just become
Another concept

https://pixabay.com/photos/gaza-strip-palestine-3829393/

And we don't care

And nothing is truly changing

So my worries
Are transmuting
My fears are transmuting

To an understanding
That I must be strong

I must be

Otherwise
I'd really be dead now

Or a slave

Or something worse

And I need more strength

And that comes
Again

Through
A true understanding

Of God

Of the beloved

Of Allah

Yahweh

Don't rebel again

Surrender to Truths

Letter to the ones leaving

Hi guys,

Firstly, just want to say I apologise for wasting your time.

Your time, my time, God's time.... Time

Such a precious commodity

in my ignorance, I wasted so much of it

in:

                                         delays

heaviness in my mind
                           body
                           heart
                           thighs
                           legs
arms                                               shoulders

my jaws are constantly heavy,
grindi n  g,
disfiguring my face

feet bound so tightly to old outdated religious ideas

to colonial bakwaas that they made look and feel so damned real

to patriarchy that makes me choke, that rapes me every night in my sleep

to the ignorant ideologies still being forcefully pulled over our third eyes like masks

to distraction upon distraction

yes, Syria and Lebanon are as real as anything

but I'm poor again myself

and poverty is not gracious

the inability to think "right"
same as most people

after so many years of healing
I can help others put back the pieces of their puzzles

yet, moi
I'm still going through complex
PTSD

which tells me I must pay
someone else's rent in order
to redeem my worth

which tells me to take holidays
to be like all of you

yet those holidays

are always alone

always permeated by the intense loneliness

and due to faulty thinking,

I placed trust in a desi man in Barcelona,
I almost got raped last time

back to you guys

relatives who were kind
but stabbed me in the back
and were never there to help

when I was falling
seeing a melted face
in the mirror
all g l o o p y and shit

one of you gave me clothes,
but
it was an afterthought

trying to pull wool over the eyes of a psychic
works a few times
until I wise up

you'd never have given it to your own daughters

people leaving my life

how many meals did you feed me?

how many words did you speak to me?

how many car rides?

how many presents?

how much of my bakwaas did you listen to?

most of you, I have grasped onto

clutching

begging you to not leave

pleading you to not leave

asking you to stay and see me as worthy

not realising what huge lessons you are to me

and the main act of self love is letting all of you

(and please take all of your bakwaas with you

you are the ones to heal it best, not me)

GO!

be free

Be freed from
any contract I may have
asked you to sign onto

none of you truly listen
it is difficult to connect
the time is done
I shifted to a different timeline
so have you

ages ago

why don't you guys send me the memo immediately

i have to piece the information back together
bit by bit

it is difficult for me
these relationships

you realise I'm not from here
don't you?

i came from the stars
a lot of us have
we live amongst you

you see humans

we see much more than that

you realise I didn't come
to follow a patriarchal religion
or insane society

you realise there is a reason
why I write these poems

I'd write songs
if they ever decide to
flow through me

you realise that
the frustration I feel
is very real

the only ones who currently understand
are my fellow shamans
who are going through their own complex PTSD

who are going
going
going
going
going

through
breakdown

yup, another one

even I am

and the little ones who are running around inside of my heart and my mind,
bruised,
cut,
her wrists are still bleeding
her head is still wounded
from the last pounding

they're running around unchecked

I'm such a healer
replacing Light
upon
Light

Feeling such compassion
for the wounded males

for the wounded females

giving them my words,
my energy (and I really need to stop doing that)

I used to take so much energy from others

Little did I know I was
A lighthouse
Who had been attacked
And robbed of any soul
fragrance

Anything left,
I raped myself

I give them my sexuality as well

And it is used
And more is wanted

And all of this is
Still such bakwaas

Still not real

The mirages crumbling in my hands

***

I know, yaar
Pata hai

I created you
I attracted you
There are contracts
Cords
Tareeqa
Rasmey
This is how it has always been done

Qateh rehmi nahi karte hain
Haraam hai

(We don't cut off blood ties, it's forbidden by the Almighty)

Acha, toh yeh baat hai?

When I make a mistake
Even as a pure soul
Upstairs there
Hanging with my Beloved

Did I not understand the fragility
Of human existence?

As an Arcturian
I was invincible

As a Sirian,
I had immense knowledge, love,
Power, wisdom

Even as a Lemurian, there was Grace

But as a human, in the 21st century

No.

No.

No.

C'est trop bizarre, celui ci

why am I the one running after people?

running after

friends?
bloody buses?
lovers?
parents?
cousins?
aunts?
uncles?
cats?
healers?
shamans?
angels?
spirit guides?

my own words?

my own mind and sanity?

I even run after the sun

Nahi yaar
Bohot ho gaya

I had enough to deal with

now it seems that
the darkness that was beamed
sent, packaged
is still affecting my nadis
my neurons
my heart
my eyes
my reality

is this why my feet
are feeling heavy
all over again?

it didn't work out with Manu
and yet I still am obsessed with him?

Sidra was purely manipulating myself and others
with charisma
with love
and jinns
and I still can't get her energy out
of my reality?

this is not normal

I have random people
Londoners
behave with such hatred,
contempt,

I am so tired

So to all of you
with

narcissism
wounding
basic ill manners
ego issues
a desire to harm
and take advantage

Leave

Find your own way

Distract yourself with whatever is good for you

stop
sucking
me
dry

stop
thinking
I'm
your energy
source

stop
throwing
your
wounding
around
like
monkeys
with
coconuts

just
disappear

I am no good
for you

You are loved by the Beloved
Stand up and take note
Be the honoured guest

Once you crack the joy code
You will never wish to harm another

Each of us
will only wish
to give

and to only
take from
Source

***

I'm heading out

I have a much
much
delayed
rendezvous
with
the Divine

you're
forbidden
to divert
and
distract
me
any
longer

- Sukaina Juma
27/12/19

https://pixabay.com/users/skeeze-272447

Alvidaa, janam, alvidaa...

ALVIDAA, to all of the programming that made me what I am NOT.

This week has been a transformational week. I was asked by my Soul (or my programming) to go out and experience the Shia Islamic life I feel so much pain in having to give up.

I met a person who shone so bright and spoke of inclusion and helping the community, yet he was adamant that Islam, the Prophets and the Imams would never let someone with a different sexuality or gender preference pray salaatul jamaat (communal prayers).

So I asked him, "so you're saying that I can't pray in jama'at because I am bisexual?" I was incredulous that people still think of God like that.

That they don't see God is always inviting us.

That we don't all necessarily label and box ourselves into tags of sexuality or religion or ethnicity first and foremost.

A lot of people have politicised themselves via their sexuality. Not all of us do that. Some of us have a different karma / dharma. We have MUCH bigger fish to fry.

As I said frankly to some tharki Pakistani guy in my DMs who kept wanting to speak of his sexual fantasies and pornography to a complete stranger, the obsession with sex that you are commenting on, I find that to be the lowest common denominator for connection.

I am not frigid (not any longer) but what I mean is that the Soul came into human form - we are on a mission to understand WHY and HOW to navigate. The amount of distractions in place on the planet in 2019 is astounding.

I've stopped reading, preferring to watch something on Netflix instead.

Some of us (most of us) have gone through a **** awakening, and are still doing it today, in order to activate 12 strands of DNA and clear the ****. All of it. Grandmother, grandfather, advertising, news media, ignorance, pineal calcification, the whole lot!

I said in my heart, then that kind of faith which he is proposing, is not what God really is aiming for. I refuse to accept that patriarchal, false paradigm.

What kind of God do you wish for?

I spoke of acceptance, he said tolerance.

He and my cousin were quoting Islamic scholar after another and all it did was scrub my soul like sandpaper.

My cousin is the type who will just go to books and scholars, his path is with Islamic learning and mine is definitely not, and I have now accepted it fully.

The Universe is all inclusive. We can't speak for saints we don't have the ability to connect with intuitively. I have tried, and failed (due to pineal calcification and density overload in my system de to more distractions in life).

Then I went to an Arbaeen lecture on Friday night at Mahfil e Ali in Harrow, as I thought it was the lesser strenuous option. I wanted to honour the saints and their sacrifices. No matter what, Islamic esoterics are available and have weight because of the struggle. It's always been a struggle between darkness and awakening.

Shaykh Arif Abdulhussein lectured, and his voice has a very healing quality to it. It softened the burrs that had formed inside of my heart for people. Just being around them.

He spoke of people naturally turning away from eating animals when they sense how barbaric it is. He made a few sarcastic remarks about Khoja community. I could sense his frustration that after 9 years, people still don't get it in the Khoja community, the Shia community, unless they have gone on their own mystical journey and have bene graced by Allah with the gift of TRUE realisations.

Or have read 40 Rules of Love by Elif Shafak.

I was, however, reminded of how he doesn't meet my needs, although he helped me to wake up when I was 22 years old. He is still has the intention of converting people from the lecture point of view.

I suppose, if he did the same as my cousin Amin, and spoke of the ethereal realms, he'd lose his audience.

The people there were the same, it was the same as being at Hujjat or Hyderi (which is not what I anticipated). I almost had a panic attack and had to leave ASAP.

I had gone to mourn on the one day of the year I wanted to mourn. I didn't do Ashura this year because I was rebelling against the programming that kicked inside of me. It was so heavy, and felt energetically like a crown of thorns.

People go to these gatherings like a habit, they talk and laugh, and eat. The woman sitting next to me began filing her nails halfway through the lecture. Frankly, I was shocked.

There were no Arabic or Farsi latmiyyah and no incense was burned for cleansing of the space.

Everything is exactly the same from my place of origin.

Perhaps I am at fault as well. I've been going through so much darkness that I'm nowhere NEAR establishing a new sacred space, a multi-functional sacred centre which fulfils my needs and therefore those of other starseed mystics.

Well, we learn through experience. Next year, I pray to be in Najaf and Kerbala and do my devotion and meditation there, as those are the only places I find true peace. The force is strong there.

On other evenings, I went to the IHRC in Preston Road and was blown away by spoken word poems by Suhaiymah Khan and the documentary The Uprising by Pravini Baboeram.

Yet, being in an Islamic environment, when people have not healed their internal **** and are externalising everything, makes it hard. No matter what I do crystals wise, protection wise, I know I was absorbing and healing some of the stuff.

I start talking rubbish and feel clogged up, heavy and nauseated. Couldn't breathe well either. There still are some wounds related to how I have been neglected by people in this community that I need to heal with Emotion Code.

So, I know I must say alvidaa (farewell) to this community of origin.

I am aware that when I am ready, I will begin the Sufi path with the correct teachers and companions for the journey.

But now, Life is burning away the past. I was thinking of my ex and the last time we spoke to each other in May 2017 and, again, falling back to that which is comfortable and also restrictive.

We are better served to view ourselves as multi-dimensional souls. This is NOT the only incarnation, and a lot is hidden because we haven't been able to detox ourselves of the superficial and the illusions.

Not all of us are going to succeed. It requires a loss of identity, money, people, family, comfort almost every few months now.

For example, I had to give up a regular, paying living wage job that was killing my spirit in order to finally be able to write this piece, two months later

Just as there is no finality in revelation, there is also no deadline for awakening and enlightenment.

All I know is that, for now, I just continue this path of Shamanism and connect with esoteric Sufi Islam.

My love for the Prophets and Imams will remain and hopefully grow. The phenomenon of Arbaeen fascinates me.

Billions of souls are drawn to going to Iraq for ten days to pay their respects to a saint.

Yet, I can't go during Arbaeen due to the crowds and panic attacks.

However, I deeply feel the mystery and the love. The belonging. To Imam Ali first and then Imam Hussain and Hadhrat Abbas.

The latmiyyah of Ali Fani, Bassim Al Karbalaei and others go straight through the cells. The LOVE is truly THERE. Solid. Apparent.

Maybe, as someone I once knew told me, these are the same energies in other cultures, just different names. Such as Quan Yin, Krishna, Shekinah, etc.

But this is ABSOLUMENT the last year I do this. This is the last year I pretend to be member of an old paradigm, whereby people are compartmentalized and no one has tried to clear their own stuff.

I tried that and Allah made sure I lost everything. I just don't fit in, no matter how much I try. This is the real hypocrisy. Life is too precious to continue living lies.

I don't fit, I don't belong, it feels heavy being around this for too long. I have to whip off the headscarf as soon as I can, and control the anger and frustration that gets triggered within (it's healed a lot over the last 12 years).

It always has to be inside first. There's a lot to clean up. Then the timelines shift without us forcing them.

Just accept I'm a shaman healer and starseed and move on. The younger generation have no qualms about self acceptance. I am not that old, yet inside me I feel old and outdated!

I just had to express this aloud today. It has been in my heart all week and now has a beautiful release. I am reborn. I am me. A soul. Always connected to God.

My God is bigger than that. Bigger than all the lies and illusions that we have allowed ourselves to play around in.

We each have very unique journeys and incarnations. Just embrace your heart, heal it, remove the debris and then KNOW who YOU are in your WHOLENESS.

Always remember: we are LIGHT that came into darkness just to unravel and become LIGHT all over again.

It sounds very trite, but I am finding this to be my truth...

With deep respect and honour 🕉️♥️

Love In Darkness | Curated Post

✝️✝️✝️ Love In Darkness

With each experience comes greater learning and growth, learning to love someone in their darkness is one of the greatest lessons of all, it’s a conflict not many of us know how to face.

If we are focused on their darkeness we are pulled out of our light and that’s when it can become draining, it also creates an environment where the other person uses you as their point of light and steps out of their own alignment. Without realizing we disempower them by the underlying desire to fix them, it’s who we are, naturally we will bring light and people will always gravitate to that but if we aren’t careful we will be pulled into their darkness and rather than guide them through their learning we try to absorb and live it for them.

We don’t see people as they are we see them for who we know they are underneath but what we have to remember is not everyone is ready to be seen. Accepting people in all their mess and allowing them the space to heal and resolve is the hardest thing to do, trusting yourself enough to stay in your own alignment no matter where the person goes in that darkness’s is the lesson, your light will always bring them back but should you waver then neither of you can find the commonality required to heal the space.

Ascended Vibrations LLC
30 December 2018 at 13:54 ·