After five years of absolute Hell...

After 5 years of absolute Hell, I am able to write here again. Even if it is just ten lines, Allah swt, let them be my own words from my authentic core and light. The world needs Your revelation and light, through me as well.

***

Looks like the Soul Retrieval I did last week for when I was 22 has been successful - she's come back, alhamdulillah... writing again with a fire in my belly and rage in my jaws.

I can't type all my thoughts on Instagram or Facebook any longer. Not even here, to be frank. It's owned by Google, I think. 

The entire world has lost it's connection to Thee, Allah. Bring each of us back. I do not deserve to live in this shitty timeline.

I developed strong Covid symptoms after my 2 night plant ceremony in October 2024, and it was debilitating and wiped my memory clear for a good 3 weeks. Even having my first romantic partner didn't seem to help me to raise my frequency and have a better experience of life, mainly because he has less knowledge about nutrition and health and wellbeing than I do. Also, what can one do when you just speak to each other once a week?

So my relationship with A ended on 12/12/2024, as the mutaah contract expired on that date, and neither of wanted to renew it (I did at the end, my heart was burning with pain - but he didn't as he said hehad no time for a relationship, and no capacity) so I am in a two month period of separation (Arabic term is iddah) to help me grieve, heal and raise my frequency so there's only love for him after I process all the difficult emotions and any negative karma I created. He decided to go no contact entirely, which is such an alien concept for me. I of course have had to honour his needs, but it's not helping that burning and pain in the heart. (I mean, I contacted him when I found out about my mother's heart attack, but the responses were to the point, texts, and even cold - from a stranger. Exactly why we aren't compatible - where do these men store all their trauma and patterns, honestly! Can they just not SEE?).

My first ever romantic relationship, just because he was a bit stronger and more spiritually advanced than the others. I can't look at it as a mistake, but as a transpersonal relationship and an experience that is 14 years overdue, blocked by so much dark magic and vapid entities. Oh boy!

I thought I was clear and he was clear, capable and on the same page as I am. Healing and spiritual work is literally a daily practice, and he's currently in his timeline of implanting more religious and worldly programming into his system, because he currently wants to be part of the London Shia community and help them, which by definition means remaining spiritually asleep. 

Also, his communication was really good until it wasn't. And his ego was malleable and soft, until it wasn't. I can't be doing this at age 40, training my partner how to be a Divine masculine. It's never appreciated, and the minute I want to change something about him is the moment of realisation: he is not the one, it is time to part.

I know this pattern, having followed the same shitty pattern for 14 years so that I would belong amongst people who aren't meant to awaken. Just so I could belong to a community - one that has rejected any real light for centuries.

I also can't be sure how much of the conflict, miscommunication and pain he's causing me is due to the entities still stuck in my womb. They're still there, but finding a shaman who has the same character and etiquette I desire is the issue at the moment.

The shamans I went to have their own issues, it's crazy how little etiquette us wounded people have cultivated within us.

Palestine is being raped. Humiliated, demolished. Everyone is going nuts. Some stupid drone show in the US.

My mother had a heart attack yesterday on 16/12/2024 and I'm doing what I can from my side, but mainly ensuring I remain centred.

People worldwide are zombies, unless they aren't. The world has seen such spiritual warfare, that we all, including me, have been censored and followed by all these evil entities.

That's it, I'm tired now. 

2020: the year we MUST end all damaging contracts

So, it has happened that three years down the line, after removing myself physically from a damaging cult that made itself look benign, and even created it's own web hyperlink called wwe, I was still very much under the curse and contracts of that person.

I can't say anything further (forbidden words and thoughts) without risking being sued for libel. All the experiences are spiritual and energetic, and cannot be proved.

But the people who have helped me, I trust their information.

And this is why we MUST end all our damaging contracts that we made to ourselves.

The contracts are made at different points:

1) at birth
2) at conception or before conception
3) in between lives
4) past lives
5) present lives, at a younger or older age
6) fall from grace
7) at the time the world was created

and many other points, since time is not linear.

What kind of life damaging vows do we make to ourselves?

I have a theory that as souls, we aren't hat intelligent about life on Earth. And if we don't learn from the foolishness of previous lives, we perpetuate the same suffering in the current and future lives.

Certain vows I still have in place:

1) I am strong enough to handle all the suffering and pain without any help (I am not)
2) I am strong to not have friends (real ones)
3) I will not have a romantic partner, and will constantly pine after people who don't care about me
4) I am codependent
5) Blocks to positive living, money, prosperity, career, aspirations
6) I will be abused by clueless people
7) I will be trapped and have to live in a place that is harmful to me (London)
8) I will delay my healing and not see

There are many others.

It is a huge, shocking revelation to really see my darkness, the complicated ways I have ensured myself a miserable experience. I allowed others to do the same, by giving away my power of discernment, to think... the codependency cords were too strong.

It began from my parents, and then friends, and then more friends, and then a false guru who pretended to be a genuine person and cared about my well being.

Even now, I find myself meeting people who are not right for me. Something in me does not notice the red flags or the inconsistencies. My empathy overrides all logic and understanding.

The younger versions in need of a safe environment and sane, awake people seem to project this onto people based on religion (I am of Muslim upbringing), ethnicity (Pakistanis - not the best thing to do - knowing Urdu doesn't make for a pure soul), mothering energy (nopes, this has proven to be very conditional - people already made their families and became mothers to give that love to their own offspring, not to me), fathering energy (same thing), brother, sister, grandmother (same thing), nationality (I have very few real friends who are living in London - something about London specifically - the western way).

Yesterday was a bad day for me. The loneliness was eating me up inside.

Why do I repel people and invite constant disappointments and betrayals?

And the answer came: subconsciously, I never have fully changed the belief that I am worthless, not deserving of the good things in life. Not deserving of love, loyalty, affection, real genuine love... not worth of receiving without the automatic reaction to give back straight away.

And this is why I have met the people I have met, and have made incorrect decisions.

This is why for 10 years, the NHS and all the GPs at the surgery I go to in Wimbledon have not cared for me and ensured I suffered and didn't get a disability care plan and the appropriate benefits. I felt like I was a scrounger.

Unfortunately, the power of David Cameron's toxic words became like a curse in my mind. Be very aware of the NLP techniques the Conservative Party representatives use to enure the population remains disempowered, starving, suffering, dying, homeless, whatever.

It hooks into our low self-esteem.

****

So I spent a good two hours (I wasn't able to concentrate) on Divine Healing Level 1, surfacing the limiting beliefs and key psychological conflicts.

I can reach my highest potential / I cannot reach my highest potential.

And this is another reason for the despair. Subconsciously, because I feel like an utter failure, I had this conflict.

And this is EXACTLY the reason why this year, in the NOW, we MUST end all damaging contracts we made to ourselves and others.

They are utter lies and they are harming us more each day we keep them under wraps, not even knowing we have them.

A lot of them are inherited in the womb, when we were being formed inside, as well.

A lot of the New Age stuff is suspect only because people found another thing to make into a commodity. Most of these people leave a sick feeling in my stomach. Now I know WHY.

Healing and connection to God and self should NEVER be a commodity.

I was paying £300 a month to this cult leader. She made each of us sign a legal contract, and persuaded us with gentle cooing words, and Tony Robbins style of making you feel like a fool for not doing so.

And she will never give it back to me.

And this is someone I loaned £1,000 for her house rent in the beginning. Only because I was too depressed to take a Divine Healing Course then which would probably have changed the entire trajectory of my life.

There was one weekend event, and I and two other participants vomited the entire day as a result of the dark energies that were being used in January 2016. I didn't call an ambulance, not a single person working for her called for ambulance, and she didn't allow me to call for one afterwards, she pretended it was "father healing". Oh, had I the aqal to know what was really going on.

Psychopathic and sociopathic behaviour comes with immense charm. Please, remember this.

But it is what it is.

For someone who was earning £800 a month, I have NO IDEA HOW I assumed that £300 a month was justified.

I'm slowly trying to reconcile and say that I paid for the house keeper she kept, so that innocent soul could pay her rent or electric bills.

___

I know you don't know me, and I have no medical or mental health qualifications.

The only thing I have is lived experience.

And, right now,that's all I have going for me.

I'm still alive. And one day, I will be formalising all of this to help others in a VERY real way.


____

Divine Creator,

We align fully with our higher selves and our inner wisdom.

We ask for deep, profound healing for (enter your name) with Grace and Power in the perfect time of NOW (and you can also add a specific date for 5 or 10 years earlier).

Show each of us exactly the correct and aligned healing pathway to clear all the lies, subconscious beliefs, programming, and blocks that no longer serve me/us.

Remove from us the pattern of being entirely financially and legally dependent on a corrupt governments.

Bring to light this year all the people who are deceiving traumatised humans by making spirituality a business for exploiting people and their money. It no longer serves any of us to remain in denial, blind to the realities, including that of viruses, fluoride, vaccines, pharmaceuticals, GMO foods, chem trails, child trafficking, and everything else on this immensely INSANE planet.

Make us aware of the implants in our brains, and the brainwashing. What the sheeple effect is.

Move us physically to the places which will truly serve the highest forms of healing.

Grant us genuine, loving, sane friends.

Grant us Grace after so much chaos.

Uncreate all the contracts, destroy them and replace with Light.

Ameen.

The Face Of a Collapsed Star

THE FACE OF A COLLAPSED STAR

Do not be sad
Collapse is the pathway for some
We are dragged to the depths
We are
We are dragged

D r a g g e d

We had plans
We wanted a beautiful life

We got this

Scrambling for morsels of the world
Disconnection from God
Higher chakras blocked
Lower chakras interfered with

Ab 2020 bhi aa chuka
Aur har cheez tooti pari

But I must smile
I must, I must

To remain slumped
I will have been destroyed

Log dekhte hain
Samajhte nahin

Expectations are something
I am burying tonight

Watching a film called
Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara
Wearing a lehenga meant for a wedding

I'll go to sleep
Putting psychic protection over myself

And that's that

May I find the clarity and discernment
I need
To thrive

I don't think there is another way.

Please let this be the last breaking down

I can't take it any longer, Allah

Bilkul torna chahte ho?

Bakhsh bhi do....

Sukaina Juma
31/12/2019

When we all are under the Waves

What to do to take care of oneself when we are all under the Waves?

It feels that we are all under the waves. What are these waves, you ask me? If I told you the truth, or rather if I told you MY truth, would you even believe me?

I shall start this part of my tale from when I resigned from my last job back in August. It was stifling, it was caging me entirely and I was breaking down. I could see through the facades of people, and it was clear that the people managing us had a disconnect between their minds and their hearts - yet the words which were spoken and which were written in letters and emails and publicity materials were so flowery and far removed from the reality of the staff on the ground.

I had become so very heavy. I tried to be light and friendly, and all I felt was anger and resentment that I was supporting others in their lives, whereas my life was (and, frankly, still is) a mess.

And then one day, it became too much. The dissemblance. My soul was screaming out, "You're a healer, a shaman, you are meant to be doing something else that builds you up as well!"

It is really difficult to be introverted and I'm praying to the Creator to help me shift towards extraversion. I won't be able to fulfill my ambitions with introversion, and the mental health issues.

***

I try to be strong, I really do. I always feel the responsibility and sometimes it is burden to be a healer, a lightworker. All the true words I write show my utter vulnerability, my feebleness, my frailty to the entire world, and I no longer wish to be like this.

I want to be able to bring Thy light to the world as a signature, scrawled into the cosmos with each breath of mine, with ever expansive and flow and movement...

I want to be Your shining Star, the Fairy Godmother, the Messenger, the Mystic, the King, the Goddess, the Genius, the Priestess, the Homemaker, the Living Beauty that You showed myself to me during my last shamanic healing with my teacher in October.

***

I find that my female sisters and friends find it particularly difficult when under the Waves. I turn to them, but they come to me with advice and a to-do list, and sometimes it doesn't resonate. Or maybe it is truth, and it triggers that part of me that wishes I was over all of this wounding.


Kis koh pata...

Allah, I just really want to dance. I just really want to sing. I just really want to connect with myself on such a deep level, that I can flow in Thy praise no matter what my external state is.

I am ready to surrender the rebellion I have felt and acted out towards Thee for my entire incarnation.

All the soul plans say I am a teacher and a writer, that I will create a healing modality with Thy grace to help those who are in really deep deep darkness... yet, here I lie, on the floor, helpless, pleading Thee for grace all over again.

***

In honour of 12/12 and full moon in Gemini

I pick up the sizzling charcoal
with the metal clamp,
place it in the container required
and shower it with dammar resin.
The angelic white light bursts forth...

The entire air is shimmering
With divine light as the heavenly scent
filters through my senses,
it simmers through the pores of the apple green walls

I can now sense serpent, jaguar, hummingbird and condor sweeping in,
As the rattle rattles its rattle
I can sense the wings of my angels cover me in love and protection
This world's energy is still too dense for me

I close my eyes and remember all the words
That have sunk underneath my skin
That ended up being lies
All over again

Taking me away from myself
As I stood far away from my life,
Wanting to water the desertlands of those
Who are so separate from themselves
From God
That all I felt was compassion

There is of course a part of me that can do all of this
But right now,
Little Sukaina is crying for love and support

We can't save the world
Not just yet..

Soon, my child.

But you refused to heal and this is the result.

Sukaina Juma, 13/12/2019

Letters to Manu - One

Note to Reader: I have decided to write letters to my first love who left me 9 years ago - in the hopes that I will be able to write authentically, and just write, pretty much. It is killing me that I can't find anything to write, there is no impetus. One of my main motivations to write is love. To people I love, or about people I love.

If I don't start and continue to write, those novels or books aren't going to get written. I'm already 35 years old and people have told me for the last nine years to write.

Dear Manu,

These letters that I now write to you are after having met you nine whole years ago. Today may have been the day you let me go by written words for the very last time, all those years ago. The good news is that I don't know the dates any longer. I spent 8 long years holding onto you, thinking you were it. That you were my piece of God.

I am writing to you because you are my best friend. Maybe in my imagination, but you are my best friend.

I mean, technically, I need to be my own best friend - but if you are my twin flame, then you are my best friend as well.... is that how it goes, Universe? Please bring clarity to my confusion.

I am doing my best to move on and progress.

This entire healing business, I know it ends at some point. I mean, the collapses and the disappointments and the illusions.

I met a really nice guy and in the space of a month, from not being ready for a romantic relationship, I now feel I am. But he already said we're not compatible and so we can be friends instead.

Now, I don't feel about him the same way I felt about you, or about the other two men I fell for, but it is difficult to deal with a heart that bruises. He's very childlike and has no idea about how it can be to have a sensitive person in your life. I wonder if I am really am just too sensitive.

My shamanic healer Gareth, he had to remove the heart I had and Spirit replaced it with a heart of crystal so that my heart would be stronger and not break each time something like this or worse happens. I feel the psychic surgery worked. I feel disappointed, sad, heart is hurting, but it's not broken.

After all, I've gained a valued and cherished friend. Most of it is my desi, Muslim programming. He knows Urdu, and he's a tad too desi for my liking but he's really nice as a soul. Another soulmate.

****

It really makes me wonder if I ever will find a few romantic partners in life. I really never imagined my life being like this after 2 years of proper healing. But it is. Alhamdulillah.

I'm still financially challenged. That hasn't changed, but I'm trying to be more generous to those who are sans abri and I messed up when I was in Naples, Italy. I got really scared and thought it was too dangerous to talk to them. I now regret it.

I'm determined to become a proper practicing shaman because that's where life is leading me, but that means giving up the regular joys of life. Going out, partying (I've never partied in my life, it's too overwhelming), having bunches of friends and travelling the world over.

As Matt Kahn said in one of his latest videos, we get what we get. We are doing the best with what we get.

I just learned a new healing modality which worked at the time of the course, but this week I'm struggling - possibly because I need to be doing things in the physical world. Such as exercise, going out and having fun, taking care of myself, and writing.

****

Do you know how long it has been? I used to write extensively. You know, you were the poor unwilling victim to tomes and tomes of poetry, written prose and love notes.

My friend told me, very wisely, that I was exposing myself and giving everything to you, warts and all, and you just stood back and observed the carnage.

She was right. I had to continue, though, because I needed to experience it first hand. There was such a pull, a compulsion. Now I just think it was a huge spell, and entities.

But beneath all of that, there is love. There is always a potent, powerful love.

***

Now, I just don't write any longer. God knows when was the last time I channelled a divine poem, a healing poem.

I had another guy from Islamabad have a crush on me recently and sending me erotic poems and some really beautiful poems. From the heart. Channelled.

But messed up emotionally and I deserve better.

I was envious of his poems, haha. Somehow I could inspire him to write such amazing stuff, and here I am - depleted and worn out and heart-bruised.

London has never been the right city for me. Never.

I just didn't have a choice at first. Maybe I came back here because we were meant to meet. We were meant to get married, according to that dream you had in 2017. But we never did. You blocked it, or whatever external influences. Or whatever, who knows?

I'm seeing a Sufi healer on Thursday to help remove the dark magic. It's all over my third eye.

 

But then, if we vibrate high enough, none of this should be able to touch us, right? Unless it is part of the path.

I can't empathise and heal someone going through something without going through it myself. That's always the case.

****

Sometimes I am a priestess, a goddess.

And sometimes I am a mess.

****

You used to write really well when you tried. I remember the sweet things you used to write. They have been coming back to me after all those years. Since September. I could see your face, hear your voice, your words would come to my mind all over again.

I'm just a tad too intense sometimes - but trust me, it's a lot more balanced than when we knew each other.

That's why I thought it would be okay to send you a message on 11/11 last month. I thought it would show me how much I have healed, by how you replied to me.

You had a flippant reply. When I read it, my entire body burned all over again, and I felt sick to my stomach all over again, It felt like pure venom. At first, I thought it was the tone of your reply - then the next day when I re-read it, your reply was fine  just as one writes to a professional colleague.

Is the venom inside of me then? Or is it true what they say about twin flame connection - it actually burns you when it's wrong and messed up?

Anyway, I was going to write more, but I feel this is enough for today.

I still miss you. I remembered that it's your cousin's death anniversary as well this month and I prayed for him because well, why not? Still remember his cat on Facebook. It was a cute cat. His kid must be a teenager now.

****

The best thing for a woman who has only been able to attract unavailable men, and emotionally wounded men is the opportunity to go back within, and heal her hurt selves, the inner child who feels hurt and abandoned.

I am still leaving myself for the other reflection of me.

There is no need for that,

Their light only blinds because you once again dimmed yours.

Please, can we sort the financial blocks please? I'm so tired of that pattern!

My Unpatterned Hands

I begin this in the name of my beloved Creator. I feel very disconnected from the One, who created every single breath and every single soul, yet I hope one day I will return.

It has been a very hot day in London, 27 degrees at the height, and I had some heatstroke around 5-6pm, so when I reported anti-social behaviour (three men about to get into a huge fight in Mitcham Town Centre), I called 101 and told them it was outside of Morrison's instead of outside Poundland. Then, I didn't have a pen to record the CASS number, so I couldn't have called back without embarrassing myself.

This merging the real life reality I find myself facing daily with the desire to become an amazing and healer filled with integrity, it's not happening.

At home, my father is trying his best to continue to humiliate me, today at work we had managers and colleagues doing their best to lower the vibration with passive aggressive behaviour and snide comments, and I wonder if I create all of this, or is the world filled with severely wounded people (I'm refraining from using the choicest of curse words).

It's really getting to me.

My shamanic healing cases haven't begun, I still haven't done the 5 case studies for the soul plan training that I took three years ago, and I am no where near finding a new job that is filled with good vibes, respect, the right kind of work and the income that I deserve and I can then move out.

I feel very emotional and there just seems to not be solutions or support that I need.

I'm retracking my life and trying to see how to not repeat the same mistakes I keep making that have brought me to this really challenging place.

It isn't very clear.

Khair, randomly, I've rediscovered Danish Ali and he's bringing me back to earth with the laughter and the homesickness. I really miss Pakistan. Like, really. The good bits, obviously.

I really hope I can go visit this year. I really need to make it happen. London is sucking me dry.

And I was here for the healers. But that isn't quite working out the way I need.

All I can say is... this spiritual journey that we each are on, it is not easy and it is painful.

Even when you should know how to heal all of this by now.

The title for this was related to the wedding I went to last March - April, my cousin's wedding in Canada. I had assumed it would turn out well for me because these are people who ensure their life turns out well.

It turned out amazingly for them, but not for me. I didn't even get the opportunity to have henna put on my hands for my own cousin' wedding - I had to choose to be the self sacrificing goat yet again, because her friends turned out to be a bit too self-centred and entitled.

None of this matters in the end, but the fact that all of the bs that I am attracting and have for so many years, in spite of all of the healing....

It makes you wonder where you are going wrong.

Khair.

Watch this, and cry with laughter....

Redeeming the starseed destinies

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED - Freydoon Rassouli

Sometimes I can't understand how I can have so many different strands of DNA within this one body of mine.

Indian

Pakistani

African

Some British

Starseed

My Higher self is actually on track with the ego demolition, it's just that my ego is requiring a lot of time to understand that I actually matter, that all his healing is necessary and that I matter.

When one dies, and a Sufi must die continuously upon the path, all the people who are still "alive" will cease to make much sense.

Forgiveness and detachment become slightly easier.

Silence becomes the most favoured response.

There is no need for the old ties, and as such, they must be cut and severed.

May we each find our true ways, those of purity

And, you know what, it's perfectly okay for me to be openly a starseed. No point in hiding it, it's evident even to those who cannot understand why they stare...

I am a bringer of the light, just like each of us... so why the big fuss?

Sheru

If I could find the time to find the Tarot deck I have hiding somewhere in my room, I am sure that I would have pulled out the Tower card today.

My Beloved creator, what secrets do You hide and then reveal, smashing it all up?

I thought I was in a good place. But then I realise that this ego of mine ensures that I delay every single good, healing session or action, it blocks it. I forget, or I distract myself by writing to strangers on Twin Flame forums, trying to persuade them to let go of their misconceptions, or on LinkedIn, trying to find some positive networking opportunity that would bring me my abundance.

It's all a smoke screen. Living weekend to weekend, not having souls friendships on which to lean on for love and support, not even BEING that friend myself because I can't cope, and most people I meet, I see their souls and the light and love, but that doesn't mean that there is a real connection.

My routine was changed for me in December and January. Majorly crippling flu that made me go a bit nuts. But at least it allowed me to book all the healing sessions that I have been denying myself.

And, the revelations. This is the second weekend my body feels as though a truck slammed into it. So much old crap that is stuck in my body. I can't speak for anyone else because our experiences are so varied. But my own body, my heart, my mind, my soul...

I've also finally removed enough to get things going. Finally sourced some plant medicine, need to journal every day.

I can divorce myself from the emotions and still see things from the condor's perspective. From soul perspective. This really is just ONE of my incarnations. It feels like this is the "s**t clearing" incarnation. That's all I've been doing, a lot of hard graft and little fun. Leaking energy, healing others through my life and my body and my mind. Portals, and all that stuff that I don't even have a conscious awareness of, eight years after superficially waking up.

I had a really awful panic attack at work on Friday, and that was a very humbling experience, because it was over a really silly mistake I made, and I judged myself and felt so much same. It was also in front of three colleagues of mine, which increased my shame.

I thought I was going to make a new friend, but the experience just showed me to have compassion for myself, the other person and circumstances, and to trust my radar.

These distractions are very valuable learning experiences, and luckily I don't even have to leave home and meet people whilst having them. This is such an introverted time for me, a time of massive self reflection and healing.

People are feeling the pushes and the discomfort, but most still distract and don't have an idea what's going on.

I heard about someone having just lost two young male friends to suicide over the Christmas period. The men are struggling a lot with the stuff, but so are the women.

It's no longer a gendered phenomenon, it's about who has the courage to heal and who doesn't.

I don't, I didn't, and then something awful or humiliating occurs, and I have to put my inner child back in focus. My self love in focus.

Sheru

Lion is a film. It is a divine film. It is a healing film. I began watching it on Wednesday, and cried and cried. It triggered something so raw inside of myself. Children are going through so much, as are the adults.

Now.

In 2019.

Now.

Then I had another Emotion Code session with my practitioner, and my inner child showed her a lot of things very traumatic past life that hadn't healed up until now.

Egypt, child, parents just dumped me in the street as a child and abandoned me. And I had to somehow survive. The police and adults tormented me, tortured me, harassed me, and I died of starvation. This is the second lifetime in Egypt, the first was with Imran - caused a lot of chaos, and died alone - again.

I'm crying as I write this.

It explains a lot about my fears. About being abandoned.

It explains why I used to be devastated every time someone left my life, friends, lovers.

Why I have closed my heart so much, I can't see beyond my pain.

Why I'm always scared of being poor and dying on the street.

Why I cry when I see that this stuff is being repeated daily in this insane planet.

Why I haven't felt safe anywhere on this planet, except in Najaf and Kerbala.

No child should still be going through this. No adult.

And now my life path has become much clearer.

I will work with the children, purely doing the healing work. Clear the emotions as I see them attach, so no one is living the life of a 34 year old but following traumas from birth onwards. Or past lives onwards.

There is now no need for it.

Anyway, what I must stress to the healers and the female twin flames, is please can we get over ourselves as far as the wound about being played a fool by a man or woman? Please can we?

There are bigger fish to fry.

All souls are one soul.

All of us are one soul.

All of us are from the same Creator and we need to do what we came here to do.

I would personally recommend Emotion Code as a good way to clear, and also Jane Ward as the healer. She's amazing, and very affordable compared to others equally good but expensive.

I now have to end, as the processing of this healing is continuing. I must sleep and heal.

I am grateful for this burden being taken away from me, my heart feels lighter, I am able to channel information a lot better, and I was able to do some shopping even though I did freak out towards the end.

Do the healing work until the time you are free. Commit to YOURSELF like no lover ever has or will do.

And be compassionate to all those who aren't on this same path, and those who will not choose to do this.

Because, it ain't easy. And I have noticed that souls have chosen easier and more flowing lives because they wanted a break to enjoy life. And sometimes be obnoxious as a result.

Such is the intricacy of existence.

Writing to the Void

Perhaps we each are the most beloved of God's creatures, and because we fail to see what the truth of our souls are, we do not understand what mevlana said when he said we are the honoured guests, why do we beg for pieces, crumbs of the al-faani world?

It takes a lot for the infantile soul to mature, to shed the securities it created and made into tiny gods, to turn into symbols of stability and a measure of success and belovedness.

VENUS RETROGRADE IN SCORPIO

I began this blog - or rather, my first blog from which this one is the more mature, spiritual off-spring - during another Venus Retrograde, the one that was destined to pull apart my heart into so many pieces, I never thought I would ever come back together as a whole person ever again.


..... but I did.

On many days, it does not seem like I am.

I have lost so many things along this path to my Beloved, this meandering path, which I never realised was leading to God. How many times have I run away from God, I literally would rather self destruct, and destroy everything good in my life, than to face Allah as how He truly is.

EGO DISCIPLINE

To be honest, the ego annihilation process never ends. We like to think it will end, and that is why all these fake forecasts on how the light is now entering, and how people are in 5D earth, it makes the most gullible of us believe in yet another fallacy - when they talk about deception, it is this that we must be wary of as well.

Right now, I am in deep mourning over how many hours and years of my life I have wasted, but to not waste even more of my life in the mourning.

For someone like me, I chose the loss to occur in my daily life, the small things, the large things, in daily regular life, to teach me the way to God. That is the soul path, signature. Obstacles crop up, and you overcome them somehow.

Nowadays, I overcome them by detachment, and not caring. Missing something, losing something, not experiencing something: it is all just a game. How many days and nights do we lose in the craving, for yet another veil to God?

.....If it isn't meant to be, then it isn't meant to be. God is the prize, God is the constant.

Sometime in the years gone by, I was so mature and wise. I had all of this time when going through severe depression to be in my SOUL, to BE my soul, to have these chats and these wise inklings, that somehow connected to other parts of my past, the books I had read at university, the books I had read as a child, the experiences I had that were painful, poignant, and somehow meaningful then.

And now, we are in another Venus Retrograde, and rather than take the more convenient route and speak of superficialities, I know that this is another opportunity to gain a closer connection to one's self and to God or Allah. No matter how we frame it, this is still the holy sacred month of Muharram, and it is sacred and every day is a good day to attempt to self-purify.

So what if all the tickets at SOAS were sold out, and I didn't get to meet Arundhati Roy? I'll live.

What's happened to my BECOMING my own version of energy that I'd crave my own company, and not hers? Or anyone I look up to. Someone just messaged me that she is traveling back from London after doing a live show with Braco, the healer. I missed out on that as well.


She did tell me in advance he was coming, and I said I would see.


That's where the real mastery lies. Owning all of our created upheavals and failures.

But, nowadays, I am crumbling so much, I can't look myself in the eyes in the mirror.

I am unsure why this is repeating itself - is it just that I really dislike winter - or is it that there is jsut a lot going on?

There is more to write, but at this precise moment, I am choking up with unshed tears. My throat hurts in the pain of suppressed wails.

So I must desist, and cry out, sob out all the grief and disappointment I feel about myself and the life I continue to create.

At age 34, this is not where I saw myself. I had greater expectations of myself.

....but God humbles those he humbles.

I had to ask my cousin to telephone me last night, because I needed someone on the other side of the phone. So that this Void wouldn't devour me.

So the reality of my once again not having friends wouldn't devour me alive.

It is very surprising how many people I know who don't know me at all, and don't care as they used to. What surprises me more is how I don't care for them, either.

I've kept them close because they have been kind to me, or they are light workers.

But all of them have spoken out of turn, spoken a lot about themselves, or about my lack and my faults, and I've felt heavy and awful afterwards.

So each day, I cut them energetically out of my life.

Yesterday, I cut out people from my phone-book and from Facebook - and I am left with hardly anyone on those lists! That triggered the sadness and meltdown.

This world will become a better place - 

sadly, not before I leave it - 
but hopefully before I am reborn into it.

The Rupture and The Repair | Curated Post

THE RUPTURE AND THE REPAIR 

First there is the rupture. Old pain resurfaces, erupting from the depths of the unconscious. 

The status quo is shattered. You feel disoriented, groundless, not knowing where to turn. An old world has crumbled, a new world has not yet formed. 

You encounter the strange space of Now, pure presence, raw, unprotected by old dreams, nothing to cling to. 

Even your outdated concepts of God crumble. 

And then you remember to breathe, and feel your feet on the ground, and observe the spinning mind rather than losing yourself in it. 

The world is out of control but you are not. You feel what you feel. Afraid. Angry. Numb. Sad. Lonely. Unsafe. Whatever. 

You commit to feeling it fully today, to not dissociating this time. A feeling is just a feeling, not a fact, and presence can hold it. 

You wail, you weep, you scream, but you are repairing. You have broken to heal, ruptured to mend. 
Old energies have emerged only to be blessed with love, acceptance, tenderness. 

You can't go back to the way things were. You can't un-see what you have seen. But you can be present, today. And take each step consciously now, not automatically, habitually, but mindfully, with care. Finding gratitude for each extra moment you are alive. 

And staying close to yourself now, as you walk this unknown path with courage, and a new conviction. 

- Jeff Foster


~~~~

I will write another post about the intensity of the challenges most of us are going through collectively, and individually at this time. What little I know of it from my own experience - once I've channelled away my very intense emotions at this time. So it might take a while for that post to appear.

My cousin told me something that I didn't really want to hear, but it was said with humility, love and truth.

Me: I miss writing!
Cousin: You are good at it if only you stay away from emotions channel the emotions dont write with emotions

Therefore, it will take a while for me to write anything worthwhile. I'm currently being eaten up.

What Jeff Foster said above is exactly what's going on with most - not all - of us at this time of eclipses, and just basic soul's growth.

You feel like breaking, but hold on. It doesn't define you - this humanness doesn't define you, and other people's dramas are definitely their issue.

Walk away and channel the emotions. No matter WHO it is in front of you. Value your boundaries, your Self.

We're all connected, and from the same source, but that does not mean  we owe anyone any of our energy. Boundaries will always remain important, no matter how much one ascends inside of oneself.

Authenticity | The Heavy Stuff

I tried to make a video today, but I reviewed it and it sounded very depressed and heavy. It was all true, and it had my heart and soul in it - but it makes for awful viewing.

So I uploaded one I made earlier instead. Back in January.

The sentiments are the same, but I pray that I will snap out of this soon.

I am done.




May God save me from these dark places I find myself falling back into.

Without needing to justify the act of writing

And then there came a point in the life of my life when I asked myself, what happens when you truly have lost your craft? When it feels like that was the most previous thing you owned or made an identity around that the universe asked you to give away in order for peace to reclaim itself inside your cells? Or something as fancy as that.

I celebrated an anniversary yesterday. Seven years of the prodigal daughter returning to Anglo-Saxon ground in order to conquer and heal an entire planet. In layman's terms, I returned to the UK with full intentions of qualifying as a counsellor and something else random. What was not on the original flight plan was the entire "waking up and becoming divine" section.

No one was notified of this anniversary. I felt had I mentioned it to anyone, I would not be able to maintain their questions online (as, currently, there is no one to maintain a gaze with. Yet another sentence I write and wish I was back in the 90s with those enormous Mac computers and hideous green computer screens. As a generation, we grew up way to fast - now we all are facing the facts about chem trails, thousands of dead salmon washing up on the shores of Southern Chile and false flag media stories.).

It is truly unsafe now for anyone of my generation to indulge in nostalgia or nostalgic stories of the past. They were all mental constructs. Our DNA was a lot denser then than it is now, therefore life didn't feel as heavy - but that never means it wasn't that heavy.

I can't seen any justification for me to continue to believe something about the Soul Plan Contracts, about my solely being a writer. What can a writer do but write?

This planet needs real action. Energies removed and energies revived.

Someone was having a clear out yesterday (I was helping with the clearing out) and gifted me a sizeable pile of unused writing paper, including two legal pads.

My writing had a different tone to it when in medium yellow background. I just wrote and wrote, without the fear and the constriction I have been feeling for a very long time.

Yet writing can only do so much and I have now realised that my soul signed up for more active role in soothing this planet.

Opinion is free, but let's not make it cheap.

You learn to read and write and somehow feel that society and human civilization will evolve even further. Yet something in me refuses to go to that next stage when my young child in Syria has just been gassed with some awful unknown chemicals. How can anyone not see?

The relatively superficial talk and discussions I have overheard or taken part in over the last few years are now beginning to come back up at the back of my throat.

Every day I waste looking for another cupboard cut-out job, meant for the candidate to fit the job and smooth over the rough, unique, human, divine edges of their being when necessary, is another day a child starves, an animal is killed for meat, people are beaten up in India BECAUSE an animal is killed for meat, and the insane policies are continues and everything that was originally designed to benefit humanity, including this very computer I am typing at, has now all turned against us because we are empowering ourselves.

Every time I sense a hit of my own power back, either I or something external does all it can to destroy it.

You can't really talk about this things yet in large circles to people who would understand. Understanding, we all have, I stand corrected. But the depths of the concern for this planet is increasing every day. I can't sleep well, I can't relax enough 

There is a divine reason why my blog is seriously under the radar and I don't really invest enough time or energy into it.

I do have a remaining trace of seemingly real fear of the consequences of speaking up to boldly and too loudly.

And secondly, actions are what this bleeding and totally molested planet needs.

I can write many poems or angry posts, but nothing I write will stop the Fukushima nuclear really affecting us. The children, the poor, the.... at times like these, I really must learn to breathe deeply.

It's worse than the worse horror flick. It's REAL. So in relief, in harsh relief, all the superficial advertisements that encourage us to consume, or celebrate National Hat Day (seriously, have we devolved to this - a National Day for things to somehow regulate our emotions and obedience levels - to ascertain citizenship, which - how many times does this need to be repeated - is an entirely human man-made construct that means jack all. I've had British citizenship all my life and am still being regularly screwed over by our darling insane politicos. They have some emotional or mental health issues - no regular person would ever pass laws and regulations that they have to harm the entire population of humans and chop us at our knees so we have to fight so much harder to get to highest potential levels. It should never have been this challenging to get to where you wish to in 2017 - and that child pedophilia and sex trafficking is really happening and not a top priority - a flipping trident nuclear war system has priority over everything sane and humane. And this why I can't keep genuine hundred per cent respect for people who are in charge of charities yet grovel towards the establishment - something is amiss when you do that.

Dignity of the human soul and divine spark is paramount in our lives and it is TIME we woke up to that simple truth.).

When I started waking up 7 years ago, I was full of zeal because it was new and I assumed it also promised me a breakthrough that I needed and didn't get when I had gone on spiritual pilgrimage to Iran in 2007.

In 2017, the illusion that 2012 or 2016 would bring relief is gone. It won't happen in my lifetime.

I am unsure how a planet would sustain itself having being so severely raped, poisoned and disrespected.

When we look at it from the slightly pessimistic lens I have been seeing things, it seems fair to say I believe in an overarching being who is omnipotent and therefore has powers to click re-set or destroy and rebirth.

There are now perhaps too many voices and egos grappling for various resources that may actually turn out to be finite. Miracles abound but if the human race still insists on being in grunt mode (grunt mode being not waking up and living life in a two-dimensional egoic state, just as a five year old would behave perpetually), I honestly don't understand how Gaia can continue to take all the beating and still feel dignified.

Of course, that is why I am here and why a lot of us are here and went through a lot of stuff in order to wake up. being woke is not pleasant. I told my father that a day ago when I showed him the chem trails and he began mocking me with his laughter that sometimes sounds terrifyingly canned.

I promise you, none of us will ever get so bored that we invent lies and conspiracy theories to keep ourselves entertained. Most of us still wish that the planet just contained light and fluffy cotton candy. Chem trails? I'd never be able to dream of that stuff in a million years. Yet, someone did. I have had some thoughts that I probably picked from the collective unconscious and those are better dissolved. Not pleasant. Not even not acted upon in history.

Some days, I wish I was still unawake. I might relax and not have the quite constant panic episodes on the London underground. They kick up worse when unsettled people clamber onto the tube with all their content and expect me to sort it out energetically.

I have just gotten fed up of that and leave my seat and many times the train carriage and have waited for the next train.

It is also deeply disheartening to think that after seven years of promises and eloquently written articles about critical mass and first wave and second wave people, we still have so many people who are unawake.

I still don't meet people in my daily life to whom I can speak to, people who would become my allies and my vision community.

All the light workers I know are going through immense personal issues, not very pleasant and seem to enjoy being lone rangers or led like sheep by those flashy gurus who give you wrist bands to wear as yet another sign of branding.

So, for now, writing will need to be not as important as waking up and taking action.

Our waters are being polluted. Does that not make you feel sad? People at Standing Rock were entirely humiliated for wanting clean drinking water. Do we not see what's happening?

Water.

Our food is being poisoned and manipulated beyond belief? Does that not make you question? The honey bee is going to become extinct. They are dying. How is this even happening?

Vulnerable people are being told they can't have tax money for food and medicines, yet Amazon and Costa Coffee and all the big companies DO NOT PAY TAXES in the UK and ARE STILL being REWARDED for that? Does that not even make you flinch?

HSBC. Enough said.

Animals are being maimed, tortured, killed for meat and fur, for being a boy if it is a baby chick.... since when did we forget that animals are a part of us, a part of our souls?

The UK still has a redundant monarchy that perpetuates itself by painting itself as fluffy and benign. Why do we not see what's going on? I hope Diana Spencer and Modi al Fayed didn't both get assassinated in vain.

We do not need all of the flashy stuff, not when my brother is dying in Somalia in a famine and the only one with a heart is a basketball player who is being humiliated for being true and down to earth. But you see, at the end of the day, he is the one flying 50 tonnes of food to Somalia.

A friend of mine asked me recently how is it that all the New Age articles and books seem to still focus on the fluffy stuff, not talk about what real spiritual journeys are about? They are dark beyond belief and calling it a dark night of the soul doesn't put meat onto things.

She and I came up with the theory that the authors a) haven't really gone through the darkness like we are going through b) they have gone through it but either wanted to forget about it or didn't know how to help others through it so remained silent and c) are heavily guided and edited by publishing companies, including Watkins. There's also this inherent obsession with keeping positive and not manifesting crap through thoughts and words.

She also feels that because there are many younger souls waking up, the authors and teachers don't want to scare them off by telling them all the dark stuff is real and that every soul that dies before it's biological death will have to taste the darkness of the Shadow! I agree. It's intense and makes you question your entire reasons for being.

But today, whether it was due to the yellow legal pads or my having shamanic cord removals last week, I wrote and I wrote.

Without needing to justify the act of writing.

And I yearn for the day I can just be the writer and everyone is sorted. Not having to justify my yearning for putting magical words to paper and seeing them ignite a soul in a way I had not anticipated.

But, not now.

Now, we are activists and we bloody act in the name of what is decent and honourable. We stick it out. We get the strength from wherever we possibly can.

For they underestimate the human spirit. Or rather, the divine that resides within each of us.

We all have free will and most of us will choose to continue being asleep and never waking up. There are myriad reasons for why a soul would choose that actively on a daily basis. One of the simple truths is that becoming awake ain't for sissies. And so the younger souls are buffered with delicate veils of illusions to play around in until such a time when they are strong enough to bear different planes of reality.

I know I am one of them and have 
         accepted this 

as it brings me towards humility and 

               whilst prostrating 
                                     at the dust of my Beloved's feet, 
                                                                             I find great heights

The different fabrics of souls (1)

Stunning mosaic art work

I met someone new over the weekend. I already knew he was happily married with two children before we even met in the flesh, so this time I fortunately didn't get my hopes up. We didn't interact much during the full day workshop we were participating at, mainly because it was more task based and taking in information than that of interaction. At lunch, we were at different tables.

I found it easier to be in this group setting yet I still had a panic attack in the morning and had to do some deep breathing and hold onto a crystal for the morning session.

It has been a challenging week.

He was gracious enough to drop me half way home, to the nearest TfL Underground station that didn't mean him going out of his way. Very logical. Had to go back home to his kids.

Again, on my pilgrimage to Iraq earlier this month, I had asked for my genuine and real soul family to come up so I can begin making new and hopefully longer lasting connections. No karma, no drama.

So the first guy I'm sent along is a surprise, since I have been hiding and in hibernation for months now, after having been repeatedly hurt by male members of the human species. I seem to have been attracting the really sensitive ones who have been hurt so badly, they have barbed wires around their hearts and minds and have punctured me so much whilst all I tried to do was heal their hearts.

A hard lesson learned.

He is someone who again I didn't even bother to exchange contact details with or even ask what his last name was, because of the very old paradigm of me connecting so quickly and comfortably with a Muslim man who is married.

We felt like old friends from the start. I did fall into an old pattern of sounding somewhat superficial and involved with the mundane realities of life, only because I suppose I had to speak in a language he would understand. It felt so good to just be my daft self, not even knowing how connect to the Bluetooth of his BMW and not being able to help charge his phone properly.

We drove in silence for a while (he couldn't take too much quiet for reasons unknown) as the sun was setting and as we passed lush green fields and beautiful trees, I realised this is what a normal romantic relationship would feel like. It made me sad that, in 33 years, I am yet to experience such simple pleasures of life.

And yet the acceptance of my current life and all of the past heavy karmic involvements with others washed through me. "My next life-time will be better, inshallah" is my new appeasing phrase to myself.

We were driving past Hyde Park when he complained about his frustration with the Muslim community doing the defunct thing every Thursday of going to the mosque and wasting X amount of hours in a year over nothing.

"We should do something more social, why doesn't anyone do something more casual?"

I replied: Well, there are people who are doing a lot of stuff, but they are the ones who have been excommunicated from the community!" And then I continued, "Look, you have to understand that there are different soul ages and levels. From my perspective, 80% of people who are currently Muslim are like that because if they WEREN'T Muslim, and weren't under some rules and regulations, they would cause such chaos in the world. I am one such person, if I hadn't had a grounding, I'd have been even more lost than I am now."

He nodded his head in assent.

"There are many people who are infant souls. Now someone who is kindergarten and reached Year five is doing quite well for himself. You can't expect that person to become a PhD. You have to understand this. And as for those of us (such as you and I) who are going beyond that and seeking more, well, that's because... um (at that point, I was so exhausted, my words were failing me and couldn't come out as poetic and meaningful as I would have liked) .. the fabric of our souls is different."

Yes, he felt like soul family. I haven't felt this comfortable with anyone in such a long time, at least since my colleague from the job I left a year ago. The same colleague who was such a source of support to me for two years has now decided to ignore me entirely.

And this is why I no longer can rely on anyone. Because they will always fail you.

Hadhrat Abbas (a.s.) shrine at Dhuhr prayer

I had gone to Iraq to pray for myself, pray for Iraq, pray for the dire way the UK is going, pray for every animal and every soul. Pray, pray, pray for my entire life to shift and change. For me to just be free from all that is holding me back.

I may need to write a separate post on my journey there. It deserves such respect.

For now, I can say I felt such immense peace at the shrines in Najaf, Karbala and Kadhmain. The energy shimmered. I didn't feel the loss of family or lovers or friends.

It felt as though my real divine mother had taken me up and was cradling me in her arms. This was specifically at the shrine of Abu Fadhl Abbas ibn Ali. Such peace, such belonging. I cried almost every time. My heart hurt. I couldn't recite anything, I would just look at the children playing and pray for their safety and well being and look at the sparrows flitting about the shrine, making thier place there.

It felt so good being there. Two weeks in a place without any chem trails. I could breathe. Although I really dislike wearing the black chador, at least I blended in and no one stared at me as  they do in London. I had very few, if any, people sticking to my butt as well.

I came back to London and I miss it. But I could not live in Iraq. Not right now. Maybe when there is peace in that land, I may try to live in Baghdad or any place where I don't need to cover from head to toe.

The orphan children and their smiles.... I would like to experience serving the orphans in a very real and practical way.

Beautiful Iraqi children in Najaf, selling trinkets on the street instead of being in school

I feel more at home there than I do in London or any other place in the West I have visited. London has very dark energies, and most light workers I speak to agree with me on this. They all feel they would be a lot better suited to another place, the countryside or elsewhere. Perhaps we all decided to come here because we were called to cleanse the place.

But for some of us, the pain and drama is not worth awakening an entire city or planet for. It is no longer acceptable to my own soul, I deserve better than the experiences that continue to occur with me in this city. With people feeling so disconnected form themselves and the general chaos in this city, surely I know better than to continue staying here.

I never thought I would go so far as to say I feel imprisoned living in London. I know there might be a city or town somewhere else in the UK whereby my soul could rest and breathe freely. Or somewhere else in the world whereby my footsteps and presence would be loved and cherished.

It is just a matter of asking God to help reveal the next steps and finally remove the obstacles to it all.

If I was to detail the fabric of my own soul, it is of the most delicate and fine material, wispy and loving. Warm shades of pink, mauve, blue, green, splashes of bright yellow and giggles. A deep cat's purr.

(C) Kenji Kumara, all rights reserved

There is a reason why the Qu'erro shared their healing knowledge and wisdom with us "Western" people. We need healing more than ever.

Even though I think I've done the healing, today my shaman told me I have to keep doing the healing.

It is what it is.

May I finally submit to what God wishes for me, instead of going against the divine plan and ending up with nothing all over again.

That burnt out feeling of a tired soul that wants release

Curtained by multiple shadows; curtailed by my own creation

I still have no idea why I am writing or what I am writing.

I feel slightly better today, I'm supposing the geomagnetic storm has gotten over it's worst.

What I am, as a young soul, realising is that my mental intellect has been very good at preventing me from growing as a person. As well as my cultural and family circumstances.

Ii had a conversation with a friend of mine today. Someone who is probably the closest person to me right now, but because of circumstances and also my karmic blueprint, it still isn't what I would call a close friendship. We used to be closer when he and I had more time. But as you grow, you realise that the reasons that brought you together were somewhat fallacious and karma working.

I have noticed he has been extremely distant with me in the last few months, so much so I never know what's going on in his life. He has a busy life that excludes me so I have to make appointments in advance to meet him and end up seeing him now only twice or thrice a year, whereas at the start I managed to meet him a lot more frequently.

So he confided in me things he never ever mentioned to me in the 6 years I have known him. And, usually, I would feel hurt that I tell him everything and he still kept secrets from me.

But I can't afford to feel like that. It is things like this that show you that you may have a tendency to invest so much energy and emotion into relationships and not really be able to attract or bring out that same response from others.

And you accept that the relationships that were so weighty, so priceless to you - have been washed through with your rainbow like imagination, which still believes in winged unicorns and faeries instead of realising that you need new friends who better complement your personality and relating style.

You also realise how easy it is to box someone into a certain mindset you have about life. They tell you something about themselves that runs contrary to everything you knew or assumed about them and you have to shake your brain in order to re-order it into the new paradigm.

But it is better to face all of the multiple shadows of your soul and mind head on rather than deluding yourself.

One person I thought was my support decided I was not right for her and so left off all contact a few months ago. I ought to have really faced my shadow then, but all that happened is I felt so hurt and pained, I had more soul loss as a result of the trauma of losing yet another friend without being able to change how I was perceiving the information and my words and actions. and what makes this a lot worse for my ego is that she is highly spiritual and psychic and so if someone who is spiritually so powerful can't stand being around you, it gives a hint that something is desperately in need of change inside of you.

The only caveat is this internal spiritual change is so freaking messy and ugly and pulls all of your bs out and you can write something that you regret later on, but at the time it was entirely necessary as part of your soul's and human's journey.

The thing is, we all are angels, and we all came from starlight at some point, yet this murky world has bent and shaped us into something other than that. And we forget and the entire quest of existence is to remember and reclaim the lost parts and to reconnect with those ethereal parts of ourselves and those of the ascended masters like Yeshua, Rumi and Shems... and Abdul Qadir Gilani.

Well, not all of us, but I am praying that somehow one day this avenue will truly open for me. It is currently still blocked, due to my current state.

In my counselling sessions, I have realised that I still only have a limited amount of ways to respond to life, like a child. I am the least experienced person I know.

I am the one who had so many aspirations yet somehow resigned myself to the fact that would just remain in fancy, in spirit never to come to earth and be realised.

Maybe that's why I turn to writing. If you think about it, what is writing?

You take unseen ideas, untouchable ideas and sort of make them real by writing them by using a piece of lead on a piece of tree bark.

Yet, at the end of the day, all you have is leaves of paper in a book that has been bound. A lot of intellectual ideas perhaps and dreams and observations - yet you sat down and wrote it all down.

The really talented writers of course have first experienced everything first hand before putting pen to paper. Well, in the case of Ursula Le Guin or JK Rowling, that would be real in the 5th or higher dimensions.

And then they write.

Someone like me needs to retire from writing until she has had enough of real life experience.

As in, experience where things were received and truly enjoyed and experienced. A first kiss, a backpacking gap year, real friendship with real soul family, figuring a way to really shift the tides that the planet is heading into at the moment financially, socially and morally,  moving countries and finally finding a place that really is "home". Meeting Ranbir Kapoor when he's in the UK instead of imagining how he is when I see movie trailers for Ae Dil Hai Mushkil.

You know, regular ****.

Things that come so easily to the vast majority of the population. Somehow, the vast majority of souls actually love themselves and desire a life of ease and progress.

A flowering of sorts.

The shaman said that my core issue was simple, I still hated myself.

And so, you are so powerful as to create the blocks and the avenues for all sorts of sabotages and delusions and illusions.

That you somehow accept the servitude and mental slavery brought upon you by being born in a place like the UK, living in places like Pakistan and Canada but not really living.

We must obey these nonsensical laws and sacrifice ourselves to some abstract ideals of society and even when I questioned them, it was with a very superficial 20 year old at a liberal arts college kind of mentality and perspective.

***

The spiritual hits keep coming. In a way, it's a huge honour that God wants to rip my entire being of any arrogance and shred of human programmes. Whereby nothing makes sense, nothing truly matters and I feel I'm in a perpetual existential crisis.

***

Having said that, God still allows us to move into the light.

I am about to embark upon a life changing trip and return somewhat different. I have been very panicked about it, and had to just remind myself that this is something I have desired for 8 years. Some things just need to be done. Even if they are the worst mistake you've made so far, sometimes the trajectory of life becomes "maktub" and you go along because your spirit wants a good experience that your conscious mind doesn't comprehend.

I remember the first night in Turkey. I got to Konya quite late, around 10:30 pm and became afraid about the taxi cab only to realise it was not at all a huge deal and I was safe. it is funny when you feel safter in an entirely new city where you really don't understand the language as compared to living in the UK, where you have been born and raised.

The old souls have the right idea: this is a free pplanet and they behave as thouh it is also a palnet of generosity and abundance and solutions.

The younger souls, such as myself, still have a long way to go before we truly feel this in out 8 original cells.

Perhaps, until then, none of my writing will ever make full sense to anyone, including myself.

Yet, the good news is that I am no longer pandering to the rules of blogging that I learned so painstakingly last year.

Life and God threw me spanners in the works in the forms of soul loss and entity attachments and really untenable working relationships and conditions until something in me told me I deserve so much more than this bs, and now my perspective is more esoteric all over again.

I am still on this earth, yet I can no longer confine and constrain myself to a superficial level of spirituality that the New Age movement has somewhat diluted. As much as we would like, the shift is not going to happen overnight.

We have centuries of crap to wipe up and transform, so 50 years seems as though it is the blink of an eye in comparison. Which it is, but living it out n this video game is an entirely different kettle of fish.

Even today, whilst speaking to my neighbours, I saw how all of my old patterns rose up and I started repeating the same words and judgements that I assumed I had dealt with.

I am sure there is a way we can invent whereby we just constantly immerse ourselves with our authentic energy and the light codes.

***

If I ever am able to push through this renewed spiritual ignorance and dark night of soul that feels both so singular and alone and lonely and also very connected, I may be guided by God to write about an entirely different level of awareness.

About how the old healing modalities are being phased out to allow for core core healing on a deep and **** stirring level. About how soul retrieval is ESSENTIAL for each of us. About how many people have lost the plot and become gurus WHILST preaching about how each of us is truly our own guru and empowered within. There is a lot of NLP and hypnosis being used with less than scrupulous intentions, and I have experienced it first hand with truly devastating consequences upon my life and experiences.

About how, once you get through the 3D stage into 4D, you may sometimes repeat a circumstance and it actually feels worse than the first time around! And that the key is to see the train wreck and forgive it and know that it too is a blessing somehow.

You can't work in a job that is not right for you, not for very long, it isn't a valid energy exchange.

You have to truly give yourself permission to entirely devastate all the conclusions you made about yourself, others and life... to truly liberate yourself.

And that shamanism is truly a deeply profound healing modality and sometimes it's best to work on yourself in a one to one and learn how to do journeying rather than going to group healings where the facilitators have better successes with people with fewer soul traumas.

***

I have also concluded for now that the person I assumed was my twin flame for seven long, long years - isn't. It is quite devastating news for me on one level, but of course, the shadows and the intricately fabricated lies MUST be destroyed in order for my precious soul to find it's truth and liberation.

A person I never met and who never wishes to meet me, how on earth can that person be the same consciousness as mine?

As I am becoming acutely aware, most humans do not have any issues with relating to one another, to meeting people, mingling and doing all sorts with each other. They feel closeness and connection.

I have stopped feeling connected to him since April last year, but it was this stubborn belief that our souls were intertwined in the fifth dimension that allowed me to hold on to all of the fabrications, again encouraged by some misguided New Age theorists.

I am not saying twin flame as a construct isn't a reality, just that I am yet to meet mine. This person was a karmic soul mate and is probably relieved that I am slowly truly releasing him from the containment of my beliefs and projections.

My soul feels relieved that finally, I am learning that there truly is a big world out there. New Zealand, Iceland, anywhere non European and that there will be many people I will meet who are truly free souls, who will dance to hip hop and Latino music with me on the beach, who will teach me more about the Pleiadies and Orion and Arcturus and Lemuria than even I know.

I also feel that I am not the only one who is now really allowing themselves to be free to discover who they truly are and what that means for their purpose on this planet.

That's why my eyes are opening to all the shadows that have curtained my entire (somewhat miserable) existence on this planet this time around.

The Dark Ages were hard enough for this planet to survive, and this is now a second wave of darkness, only subtly foiled and embellished to make us feel as though we are moving forward. Not quite yet...

As long as there are animals, children, women, cis gender or any other humans being abused, harmed and exploited, whether willingly or unwillingly, we are still replicating Atlantis when it became so rotten that we all fell into a pit.

***

Yet, I can see the signs of unity, little rainbow colour strands of energy shimmering between different objects that I couldn't sense before.

The more you melt and crumble the harsh walls of your own heart, mind, sight.... the more that will reverberate in the hearts, minds and sight of the others.

Because, truly we are the exact same consciousness.

But never imagine that it is going to be pretty. This is planet Earth, we deal with muck and dirt whilst acknowledging the equisite beauty that is also unfolding at the same time.

Exact same time.

Not all of us will learn, most will not in this lifetime. There will be other lifetimes until we are able to accomplish this. But this is the turning point.

I am not sure why or how, but if someone like myself is finally learning her soul lessons.... that means it's shifting.

A part of me sorely wants life to be as innocent as it seemed when I was 19. But we passed that threshold and can never come back.

We are all growing up finally. 
We have to. 
It will get better. 
It is a divine promise.