The Forbidden Experiences

I hope this is the crunch point.

I have had many crunch points over the years, each time naively assuming I was healing and I was really helping myself to move forward in life.

And on the surface, I assumed that this was all happening. You think something consciously, you really want something, and it happens.

I managed to find a job two years ago and it was such a struggle. But it never occurred to me to maybe get some therapy. Why? My counsellor told me that I should just do my own therapy. Be the inner counsellor. He did not realise I had complex PTSD. And me, believing what others tell me and wanting to save on my hard earned cash, listened to him and I didn't continue therapy.

There are just so many experiences in life that are forbidden by our families and societies, cultures to experience and be honest about.

Currently, I have been unemployed for six months, and I can't work at the moment. I can barely concentrate on something I need to be doing for myself.

I feel very broken.

My ego wants the world to know I am educated, and I am highly intelligent. That I can cope.

But my brain is currently wired wrongly due to childhood trauma. There is a possibility of childhood sexual abuse that was too traumatic for me to remember. Or it could be some physical violence that I can't remember.

There are some gaps in my memories.

I've been trying to complete a Universal Credit Health Assessment form and it's taken me two weeks just to get to grips with the form itself. I have the same issue thousands of my fellow humans have with the GPs - not taking us seriously and saving money when lives are in the balance.

I have tried for the last 10 years to resolve this issue, and even shamanism and Sufi healing still doesn't fix the brain.

I have learned so many different modalities of healing... yet... I have not had a single client since November because my entire world crashed down upon me.

This is not something I want - like cancer, it is what I have.

Wishing it away will not will it away.

I do not know what I need to do, and I am so scared.

I wanted to get married around 9 years ago.  I fell in love with him too quickly, and he dumped me just as quickly. And since then, it's been so difficult to find the right person (even persons).

I have wasted a lot of time on people that should never have entered my life. I have experienced a lot of disrespect, dysfunctional relationships, intensity, blocks...

My aspirations were taken from me.

I still have them, but there's not yet a way towards them.

These are the forbidden experiences I can't honestly make a documentary about - it would require me to be an entirely different person to start making these documentaries I wish to make.

The first one would be my take and version of the Netflix documentary Heal.

The lady had access to all of the celebrity healers.

I have access to the healers who actually give a shit, who have all given me healings on donation or for free when I've not been able to afford and who are struggling, just as we all are. Relatable.

There are many opportunities available to me, and I release all the need to hold the blocks to my prosperity and adventure now.

I couldn't even write two days ago, now I can.

Oh my soul, this is excessive punishment and sabotage. It it not just.

Allow me to flourish.

Ameen.

This is very painful. And no other way but to address the ugliness.

None of that glitzy, sheen, the sugar coated spiritual and energy healing that most are experiencing and writing about.

But at the same time, that all is valid for them.

I, like others I know, just picked the heaviest pile of horse manure and bathed in it before incarnating.