so hidden in God

“A woman's heart
should be so hidden
in God that a man has
to seek Him
just
to
find
her.”

- Maya Angelou



****

i tried again, God.

i thought this time would be different
but it just showed me
my delusions and denials.

maybe i was destined
to find a child-like friend
but someone who doesn't even
have the inclination to talk
on the phone.

yet, i love him.
it's a pure love
from one pure soul
for another

i don't even think he loves me back
not in the way i need
just as a friend
or family

i have to go through yet another
grieving process
it's in the eyes
in the heart
in the thymus
grief
disappointment
rage


i am truly appreciative
for the connection
past-life or beyond incarnation

i was trying to make friends with
someone else
but he is in a lot of pain
and my strongly held opinions
clashed with his -
he told me to leave him alone

the losses increase
and You are trying to get through to me

the material tokens
the prestige
the years
the people

i remind myself how some dervishes look on the outside

unkempt
in direct communion with Thee

have i ever experienced a single moment
in my life of that grace
that direct connection with Thee?

am i settling again for form
and not allowing it all to wash away
into molecules
into atoms?

i would like to feel
i am such a woman
who is hidden in God

https://pixabay.com/photos/woman-girl-eye-models-scarf-590490/ caption

i feel i may be one
who is hidden
from
God



i am no longer hiding

but i feel i am still hidden

they tell me to make a list
to buy two pink candles
to recite verses
to make a spell

but is that all that is required
to finally be with a Soul
who is my perfect complement
my soul-mate

a man who would actually recognise me
at first sight
rather than the other way round

the man who would see Goddess
inside of me
and his heart would open
with recognition, love and worship
of Thee

recognising my Light
understanding that I am still only a fallible human,
with many weaknesses,
immense hcallenges,
intense Scorpio energy,
but the respect, the love, the compassion
and the feeling of homecoming,
recognition
would ooze through his eyes?

he would match me in stillness
and i would match him in vigour
we would speak
without speaking

we would not feel ashamed
of gazing into each other's souls

no shame in fucking each other's brains out
whilst calling Thy Holy names
filled with gratitude for Thy plan

pure tantra
pure Union
pure love-making

matching our lust and love into
a litany, an ode
a whispered prayer
a relieved thank you
after my 15 year search

the emotional healing would
of course be in process
but there would be the emotional
connection
most of my holes would be filled
with ME
so that they were no longer hole
but just holy

and the same for him

and my irritability would be
tempered by peace
wisdom
matched by his
wisdom
humility
saying salaam
to humility

the complement
to my mission
on this planet
of self healing
healing others
learning from foolish mistakes
figuring out how to be financially
abundant

he would help me build
my spiritual centre
the healing modality
would heal his traumas

he would understand
the light language
flowing from my hands

and we would both dream of one another
without even making a bedtime intention

but, dearest little one,
you would need to be
an entirely different woman

to the one you show up as right now

frequency
vibes
good luck

just breathe

agar hona hai, hoga eventually
agar iss baari kuch nahi hona

toh hona nahi hai

the end-game is activating and aligning with
my own masculine energy
and truly loving myself as i would like another to love me

and unconditionally love
all the others who crossed my path
and then ran off


my discernment requires work
and this codependency needs
a BPL (bum peh laat)

hide inside of God
the real one
not the ones all these new age people
all these religious people

are shoving down your third eye
implanting you with false ideologies

tu abhi bachhi nahi rahi

grow up, yaar
mature

maturation is vital for meeting with God

and an understanding
that He causes the blindness

and that you only call Him He
because
someone told you to do so

it is of course a moot point
but it does make one question

Sukaina Juma
07/01/2020

(N.B. I'm not even venturing to ask you for a woman - the attraction hasn't ever been so strong that anything happened. Although I am most definitely bisexual, it's more a concept, more an understanding, a vehicle for compassion and tolerance, but not a real experience. Connections are soul based. For some reason, I don't gel with any of the women I have ever met in that way. Meeting the wrong women, then!)

The Face Of a Collapsed Star

THE FACE OF A COLLAPSED STAR

Do not be sad
Collapse is the pathway for some
We are dragged to the depths
We are
We are dragged

D r a g g e d

We had plans
We wanted a beautiful life

We got this

Scrambling for morsels of the world
Disconnection from God
Higher chakras blocked
Lower chakras interfered with

Ab 2020 bhi aa chuka
Aur har cheez tooti pari

But I must smile
I must, I must

To remain slumped
I will have been destroyed

Log dekhte hain
Samajhte nahin

Expectations are something
I am burying tonight

Watching a film called
Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara
Wearing a lehenga meant for a wedding

I'll go to sleep
Putting psychic protection over myself

And that's that

May I find the clarity and discernment
I need
To thrive

I don't think there is another way.

Please let this be the last breaking down

I can't take it any longer, Allah

Bilkul torna chahte ho?

Bakhsh bhi do....

Sukaina Juma
31/12/2019

When we all are under the Waves

What to do to take care of oneself when we are all under the Waves?

It feels that we are all under the waves. What are these waves, you ask me? If I told you the truth, or rather if I told you MY truth, would you even believe me?

I shall start this part of my tale from when I resigned from my last job back in August. It was stifling, it was caging me entirely and I was breaking down. I could see through the facades of people, and it was clear that the people managing us had a disconnect between their minds and their hearts - yet the words which were spoken and which were written in letters and emails and publicity materials were so flowery and far removed from the reality of the staff on the ground.

I had become so very heavy. I tried to be light and friendly, and all I felt was anger and resentment that I was supporting others in their lives, whereas my life was (and, frankly, still is) a mess.

And then one day, it became too much. The dissemblance. My soul was screaming out, "You're a healer, a shaman, you are meant to be doing something else that builds you up as well!"

It is really difficult to be introverted and I'm praying to the Creator to help me shift towards extraversion. I won't be able to fulfill my ambitions with introversion, and the mental health issues.

***

I try to be strong, I really do. I always feel the responsibility and sometimes it is burden to be a healer, a lightworker. All the true words I write show my utter vulnerability, my feebleness, my frailty to the entire world, and I no longer wish to be like this.

I want to be able to bring Thy light to the world as a signature, scrawled into the cosmos with each breath of mine, with ever expansive and flow and movement...

I want to be Your shining Star, the Fairy Godmother, the Messenger, the Mystic, the King, the Goddess, the Genius, the Priestess, the Homemaker, the Living Beauty that You showed myself to me during my last shamanic healing with my teacher in October.

***

I find that my female sisters and friends find it particularly difficult when under the Waves. I turn to them, but they come to me with advice and a to-do list, and sometimes it doesn't resonate. Or maybe it is truth, and it triggers that part of me that wishes I was over all of this wounding.


Kis koh pata...

Allah, I just really want to dance. I just really want to sing. I just really want to connect with myself on such a deep level, that I can flow in Thy praise no matter what my external state is.

I am ready to surrender the rebellion I have felt and acted out towards Thee for my entire incarnation.

All the soul plans say I am a teacher and a writer, that I will create a healing modality with Thy grace to help those who are in really deep deep darkness... yet, here I lie, on the floor, helpless, pleading Thee for grace all over again.

***

In honour of 12/12 and full moon in Gemini

I pick up the sizzling charcoal
with the metal clamp,
place it in the container required
and shower it with dammar resin.
The angelic white light bursts forth...

The entire air is shimmering
With divine light as the heavenly scent
filters through my senses,
it simmers through the pores of the apple green walls

I can now sense serpent, jaguar, hummingbird and condor sweeping in,
As the rattle rattles its rattle
I can sense the wings of my angels cover me in love and protection
This world's energy is still too dense for me

I close my eyes and remember all the words
That have sunk underneath my skin
That ended up being lies
All over again

Taking me away from myself
As I stood far away from my life,
Wanting to water the desertlands of those
Who are so separate from themselves
From God
That all I felt was compassion

There is of course a part of me that can do all of this
But right now,
Little Sukaina is crying for love and support

We can't save the world
Not just yet..

Soon, my child.

But you refused to heal and this is the result.

Sukaina Juma, 13/12/2019

Ek cup chai ho jaee?

Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/Perfecto_Capucine-9573466/?utm_source=link-attribution&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=image&amp;utm_content=3723751">Perfecto_Capucine</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=image&amp;utm_content=3723751">Pixabay</a>

They keep talking about the eclipses that happen as major gateways, and opportunities to really dig into the deep shadow that we have, to be honest, to be clear, to be ourselves, to remember.

Whether or not I ever got activated from the previous eclipses in life, I can't say until I have the talent of reading energies that way.

This eclipse corridor - from 4 July and now - I have felt that one. Big time.

What it has made me realise is that one really loses a lot when one awakens a little more each day or month or year.

One loses the ability to be easily entertained, and one can't relate to the people that we could a few months or years ago.

For example, I am from a culture that adores drinking tea and coffee. It becomes an extremely intimate way of bonding. You would go out to have hardcore milky tea or karak doodh patti chai to a tea stall in the town. Or go to the mosque and rave about the mosque tea, with subtle hints of cardamom swirling inside.

I remember going to a school friend's house regularly to study or just hang out, and tea was a must.

But now, I drink tea and I stay awake, wired all night. So I have tried to switch to decaf (but it still has the caffeine and tannin in it) and redbush tea, God bless me, I now find has a funny taste and no longer satisfy my cravings.

This isn't something that I will hold onto for long. I can outgrow the childish tantrums about yet another thing that normal people enjoy, but I no longer can.

Yet, this represents how most things are now. I feel it's because I have a lot more healing to do, and so that means not getting distracted by things that are on some level a superficial indicator of happiness and progress. For me, those very things that are seen as positive and a sign of functionality, are distractions from my own self healing and progress.

Whether that means spending time with friends (it is better for me to have few and ones who are fully aware of the shifts in consciousness and not allowing them to be swayed by their inner wounds quite so much), or having a lover (it's gonna not be great for my spiritual awakening at this time to be distracted by someone, unless I somehow have healed - which I know I haven't), or other stuff.

Someone a bit difficult to understand once told me that her theory was that if we are unhappy, that prods us to go out seeking, learning, healing ourselves, and then standing up for others. If we are happy and contented, who on earth would do anything for anyone else?

I can see some angles and some validity to this... but perhaps the connection with pain and productivity really needs to be broken and a new one formed between ease, peace and progress.

I suppose the question is can I allow others to have different life goals to mine and let it be - can I really step out of the small thinking box I spend my life in, and let life be as chaotic as it is, and let the humans be exactly as they are - all the while seeking their divine light?

The more I spend time alone, I can do that a little easier. Maybe.

What I need to clarify are a few things and requires some intelligent questioning:

What are my soul's goals for this lifetime - answer is humility, but also ease, grace, karma clearing, being compassionate and loving to self and others, heals some deep wounding and becoming independent and free. Contentment and gratitude.

Will that come with a happy, easy life? Answer: depends on what you mean by that ;)

It has also been important to see all the teachers I have as humans. All the relatives, adults, everyone... as humans with flaws. This also has helped me discern who I want in my life.

I came across something interesting recently regarding shamanic practices. I was aware that they make a white despacho to bring good tings into our lives - that consists in brings petals, leaves, anything that can symbolise areas of your life, wrap it in cotton or paper, put your intentions into it, nurture and carry it, then burn it in a ceremonial fire.

All good - I have done a few and who knows if it did anything or not, but just the communal aspect of it, and being around a cleansing fire was good enough for me the last few times I have done it.

Now this time around, I had the opportunity to do this, and we all have been told to bring a £5 note minimum to burn in the fire.

That, for me, doesn't make sense. There are too many rough sleepers in the city or even a few streets away for me to go bring in money in order to bring in more. The same intention can be made whilst gifting the money - and there was no suggestion of doing this as an alternative.

Anyway, it's also true that the room would be full (which I was told yesterday) so that I'm not even able to go. And one of my teacher's seems to not allow me to speak and formulate what I want to say - I have my Mercury in Taurus, so it takes a while for me to speak articulately... so I need to just remind him of that. And there was some lack of H&S risk assessments.

But you have to question all the spiritual practices. What doesn't feel right for you, doesn't.

I question all the Islamic ones, I don't really subscribe to other faiths, and now I'm having to question the shamanic practicies and figure out which are really not something I want to associate with, and which are just my resistance to changing.

It is the same with sufism - although I can't find the teacher or the tareeqa yet that is right for me (perhaps there aren't for me this lifetime - who knows).

Question the stuff that doesn't sit right with you - there is a reason why it doesn't.

I have had healers tell me what to do in the recent past, and I was not happy.

I have had to just step back and ask myself what on earth do I need to do differently to attract a better outcome - and the answer always seems to be stop leaking out your energy to everyone on the planet trying to help and heal. Just quit it!

This is the main reason I have not progressed in my lifetime. And every time I have put my needs first, I was able to do something a little bit progressive.

Yes, these eclipses I am feeling the energy and the kicks up the bum.

And no tea for me, either. Chalo ji, at least I am learning what has taken lifetimes (literally) to learn.

The Insanity of the Lives I Left Behind

Image by manfredrichter on Pixabay

Disconnection

These times of healing are shit difficult. I'm not even going to censor the swear words today.

I am finally reaching a point of balance within myself. Some days it feels like I am really inhabiting this body, that the fingers are mine, the soles of the feet are mine .

My expressions become more poetic and eloquent, and I'm not focussed or obsessed on how perfect other people are.

Some days are like this.

But most days, the insecurity and the low self esteem of lifetimes comes to the surface.

Now, the thing is, I still don't know or maybe I don't want to clear the emotions the moment they come up.

I know the basics of emotion Code and can use a magnet on my conception meridian and clear it.

I told myself ages ago, I ought to.

But, heck, do I actually heal myself that way? Heck.

Image by johnhain on Pixabay

The situation for me as a whole stifles and ekes me out; the circumstances I find myself in are increasingly suffocating.

I can't be with the birth family any longer.

Either they have failed gloriously in the task to awaken to love and truth, or they were never meant to.

Can't have any conversations with them; I sound crazy to them.

What's worse is the disrespect I still receive from them, and none of them reflect upon their own selves to question if ever I have been correct in following my own soul's voice.

All my illusions are now being shown to me.

I still don't feel like going out, or doing anything fun. It's literally been healing after healing after healing. And working to earn money. The joy that I worked hard to garner within me has gone for this job.

I'm here because I still haven't found a way forward. Making mistakes due to the fact I really just don't care any longer.

I work in an environment whereby even if they were light-workers or healers, one would never know because of the amount of bs and crap that's brought into the workplace. There have been many days of recent I leave with physical issues in stomach or mind - I still am struggling with psychic protection. It feel, to me, that I keep picking up on their negative entities. I can't afford to do this another day.

Image by StockSnap on Pixabay

It takes at least 50 deaths to wake up, and trust me, I'm just on the first level.

God, where do I go from here? Show me.

Friendships would therefore be difficult to maintain or form, because all the ones before were based on my continuing to be dysfunctional and broken.

There are two or three people I wish to still remain friends with, but they don't care for me the way I care for them.

All of them are males.

And I have to cut cords and let them go, because for some reason I bring nothing to their lives which is positive or noticeable.

Waking up is shit difficult. I seem to just keep losing people, even the good ones... And one of them IS actually awake.

Lekin kya karein? You can't resist this world and the shifting energetics that occur within us.

Souls that were so close to me become so distant. Such is life.

There is also goodness, but we don't give details of goodness because the nature of the internet has become so perverse that energies are drained and attacked, and that's no longer tolerable or tolerated.

May we all heal ourselves.

There's a lot of crap flying around, a lot of lives still living within us even though we outlived those realities.

My prayer for those who are both awake and not: slow down, reflect, heal, wake up, and help each other to rise.

I find myself wishing to engage with certain creative souls, vocal souls, but the noise and chaos feels too much, I step back.

Maybe I'll feel very different in a few months time when I've gotten my own shit together.

But as of now, cooking a decent meal for myself and getting to this 9-5 job and working as best I can with a bunch of unaware, unhappy, disconnected souls is the best I can do.



Keeping silent and clearing judgements brings much grace.

That's something I've gone into seclusion this weekend to work on.

All of a sudden, I'm actually speaking to people like Waqas Ali and Isam Bachiri (whom I sort of idolise due to them being powerful older souls who've just paved the way for abundance and healing music and saved me from much deeper sorrow)... On Instagram, but still! Waqas actually replied to me, and it felt so validating.

As though, again, I now exist on this planet.

And now, need to drag this body exhausted from past life healing up to do the mundane chores I wish I didn't have to do every damned weekend.

It's not what I came here to do.

But it is what I find myself doing.

These are not complaints, just realisations of where I am and where I wish I was in life.

Image by geralt on Pixabay

In the end, to be as humble as dust, one pays the price of humiliation and a complete stripping down of any artifice and fakeness, lies and deceit towards oneself and God.

Peace x

Sheru

If I could find the time to find the Tarot deck I have hiding somewhere in my room, I am sure that I would have pulled out the Tower card today.

My Beloved creator, what secrets do You hide and then reveal, smashing it all up?

I thought I was in a good place. But then I realise that this ego of mine ensures that I delay every single good, healing session or action, it blocks it. I forget, or I distract myself by writing to strangers on Twin Flame forums, trying to persuade them to let go of their misconceptions, or on LinkedIn, trying to find some positive networking opportunity that would bring me my abundance.

It's all a smoke screen. Living weekend to weekend, not having souls friendships on which to lean on for love and support, not even BEING that friend myself because I can't cope, and most people I meet, I see their souls and the light and love, but that doesn't mean that there is a real connection.

My routine was changed for me in December and January. Majorly crippling flu that made me go a bit nuts. But at least it allowed me to book all the healing sessions that I have been denying myself.

And, the revelations. This is the second weekend my body feels as though a truck slammed into it. So much old crap that is stuck in my body. I can't speak for anyone else because our experiences are so varied. But my own body, my heart, my mind, my soul...

I've also finally removed enough to get things going. Finally sourced some plant medicine, need to journal every day.

I can divorce myself from the emotions and still see things from the condor's perspective. From soul perspective. This really is just ONE of my incarnations. It feels like this is the "s**t clearing" incarnation. That's all I've been doing, a lot of hard graft and little fun. Leaking energy, healing others through my life and my body and my mind. Portals, and all that stuff that I don't even have a conscious awareness of, eight years after superficially waking up.

I had a really awful panic attack at work on Friday, and that was a very humbling experience, because it was over a really silly mistake I made, and I judged myself and felt so much same. It was also in front of three colleagues of mine, which increased my shame.

I thought I was going to make a new friend, but the experience just showed me to have compassion for myself, the other person and circumstances, and to trust my radar.

These distractions are very valuable learning experiences, and luckily I don't even have to leave home and meet people whilst having them. This is such an introverted time for me, a time of massive self reflection and healing.

People are feeling the pushes and the discomfort, but most still distract and don't have an idea what's going on.

I heard about someone having just lost two young male friends to suicide over the Christmas period. The men are struggling a lot with the stuff, but so are the women.

It's no longer a gendered phenomenon, it's about who has the courage to heal and who doesn't.

I don't, I didn't, and then something awful or humiliating occurs, and I have to put my inner child back in focus. My self love in focus.

Sheru

Lion is a film. It is a divine film. It is a healing film. I began watching it on Wednesday, and cried and cried. It triggered something so raw inside of myself. Children are going through so much, as are the adults.

Now.

In 2019.

Now.

Then I had another Emotion Code session with my practitioner, and my inner child showed her a lot of things very traumatic past life that hadn't healed up until now.

Egypt, child, parents just dumped me in the street as a child and abandoned me. And I had to somehow survive. The police and adults tormented me, tortured me, harassed me, and I died of starvation. This is the second lifetime in Egypt, the first was with Imran - caused a lot of chaos, and died alone - again.

I'm crying as I write this.

It explains a lot about my fears. About being abandoned.

It explains why I used to be devastated every time someone left my life, friends, lovers.

Why I have closed my heart so much, I can't see beyond my pain.

Why I'm always scared of being poor and dying on the street.

Why I cry when I see that this stuff is being repeated daily in this insane planet.

Why I haven't felt safe anywhere on this planet, except in Najaf and Kerbala.

No child should still be going through this. No adult.

And now my life path has become much clearer.

I will work with the children, purely doing the healing work. Clear the emotions as I see them attach, so no one is living the life of a 34 year old but following traumas from birth onwards. Or past lives onwards.

There is now no need for it.

Anyway, what I must stress to the healers and the female twin flames, is please can we get over ourselves as far as the wound about being played a fool by a man or woman? Please can we?

There are bigger fish to fry.

All souls are one soul.

All of us are one soul.

All of us are from the same Creator and we need to do what we came here to do.

I would personally recommend Emotion Code as a good way to clear, and also Jane Ward as the healer. She's amazing, and very affordable compared to others equally good but expensive.

I now have to end, as the processing of this healing is continuing. I must sleep and heal.

I am grateful for this burden being taken away from me, my heart feels lighter, I am able to channel information a lot better, and I was able to do some shopping even though I did freak out towards the end.

Do the healing work until the time you are free. Commit to YOURSELF like no lover ever has or will do.

And be compassionate to all those who aren't on this same path, and those who will not choose to do this.

Because, it ain't easy. And I have noticed that souls have chosen easier and more flowing lives because they wanted a break to enjoy life. And sometimes be obnoxious as a result.

Such is the intricacy of existence.

Flood and Release

I have desired to put my words onto paper for a while.

However, Life has been experiencing turbulence, and I can hardly choke out words.

Daily, I witness with my soul the incomprehensible pain and suffering each human and animal is experiencing. This, of course, includes my current human incarnation.

I witness women who have not spoken for so long, and are now unable to keep silent.

People are still without homes, and yet, somehow, they are producing more children to be brought up in extremely challenging circumstances.

I've been under very difficult circumstances for the past three to four months. There has been no fun, no creativity, just a bunch of crap, to be very honest.

Misunderstandings like no other. Extreme energy loss, confusion. Loss of time and resources.

One positive thing is the ending of all these useless soul contracrs with people, specifically blood relatives. The love was always one sided. Now it is a peaceful distance we have, and energy will restore itself.

Being stuck in role upon role, circumstance after circumstance that are not feeding me; instead it feels as though I've returned to the ghost-like state I had come to London with in 2007.

Can a soul, a life, regress so much?

I'm amping up the healing that I have delayed. This idea that healing takes time is a fallacy.

I made mistakes with a particular Pakistani origin healer from 2010-2016 and am still wracked with regret in 2019, and mistrustful of my intuition and discernment? Surely not?

Delaying our healing only ensures we are living the lies for longer.

Each of my trusted healers can only help me with a part of this mess, but because I have worked with each of them, and have felt the deep, pure love and integrity that comes from souls who went through hell only so as to heal others in that same hell, I can see.

I see that I backtracked in order to become dust upon the path.

Real dust, squeezed from the core of my soul, plucked from my essence.

The prerequisite for this is one humiliating experience, one frustration after another.

Emotion Code has become my saving grace after figuring out who was the right person to go to for healing.

My intention is to refine myself to such a heightened degree, I will actually be able to shift the energy of a fractured soul remotely, without ever meeting them, being beholden to one another, and if not realistic, without their knowledge.

For this is what I am now seeing in my reality. Beautiful, empowered, powerful healers who are NOT afraid of their abilities.

And yes, I was finally guided to them the moment I asked God to stop playing the karma cards with me.

But even when I ask, I'll get a burst of real awareness, and then it fades away.

Right now, I'm feeling very liquid, and high after receiving the 6th and 7th Nusta Karpay shamanic rites of the goddesses.

That then fades away but for now, I feel clean.

Which is why I am expressing whatever this is, on here.

Right now, there is no loneliness. Because we opened up the third eye and the crown, I am currently swimming in a golden river of connection with Allah.

May I fall in love with Thee all over again. You need to regain my trust in Thee. You promised me so much over the last 8 years, and it was all illusion.

No one wants to accuse God of that betrayal, but my human self can only see it as such.

The last so many months, I have been so disconnected from you, the humans and their issues wrecked me.

As did my own.

Let's see how it goes...

Oh, and I finally had the courage to accept that I lied to myself for 8 years.

Imran isn't my twin flame. He will not enter my life in this incarnation again.

He used to be my twin, but since I prayed for release two years ago, on my knees, writhing, the timeline changed.

I'm now okay with the fact I lied to myself, or didn't get the correct alignment with current timeline.

His email to me two years ago threw me off.

Now, in retrospect, I realise it was a "petra", a test, and although I have grown enough not to take his behaviour as an indicator of my worth, I now realise all the time he said he was getting sacred dreams of guidance, I didn't get any dreams or guidance.

In genuinely connected and blessed relationships, both partners dream of one another. They both are connected telepathically. And the boy actually loves the girl. And the girl loves the boy, which I don't any longer. Not in that pure, demented, unconditional manner.

What a waste of my life... Really.

Such a big learning.

At this rate, I think I have made it to remain unattached.

Oh well, the learning becomes less messy with the no one else's life to mess up, or time to waste.



It makes pragmatic and logical sense, but I pray my soul dissolves the loneliness that this brings up.

Deeper Than That

 

 

Twin Flame Love Journey

6 hrs ·

Deeper than Love at First sight.
THE SOUL CONNECTION IS DEEPER THAN THE EYES MAY SEE AND PERCEIVE. It is what is seen beyond the eyes that triggers our remembrance. This remembrance comes in different forms throughout lifetimes which we’ve experienced as soul on our soul’s journey. You see, it isn’t simply our bodies that are on this journey, it’s most certainly our soul’s initiation which prompted our formation and our willingness to take on human form in order to fulfill some mission we signed up for. While we may not remember the mission initially, our souls most certainly do. Which is why many times as we travel though life, we may not understand the meaning for certain occurrences, yet in retrospect we learn the meaning of the experience. So what we feel, and what we perceive are usually introductions for experiences which have yet to materialize and the meaning usually involves a much broader scope because it is heavenly. In this way there is no such thing as failure, only transcendence, only the implementation of butterfly affects which will most certainly have their way further than the eyes may see because they are steadily fueled through and by soul’s intent.
THE SOUL CONNECTION IS LOVE. What is Love? It is the very energy which ensured our safe entry on to this earth plane. It is the energy that we recognize through connection. It is consistent, patient and steadfast. It gives our minds the ability to dream and our souls the urge to travel. It brings true meaning to our lives. And so, as we walk in Love, there are doors which continuously open for the advancement of Divine mission. I’ve often heard that God will not put on us more than we can bare; it’s often resonated as truth. For as soul, we are resilient, we are open; we want to know and stay in the knowing of God through expansion as triggered through our ascension process.
THE TWIN FLAME CONNECTION IS DEEPER THAN THE EYES MAY SEE OR PERCEIVE. It is that of Love. It is a mission involving dualism. Where masculine and feminine are defined as one soul with counterbalancing present within each and every soul in human form. The duality aspect from a Twin Flame perspective is that I feel my masculine aspect was masterfully placed within the psyche as a trigger for soul remembrance. As the masculine human form makes entrance into the feminine’s sacred space, it’s merely a subtle reminder or final snippet in a puzzle which consists of mutuality. The same may be said for the feminine aspect. He recognizes the divine feminine counterpart through the counterbalancing feminine aspect within the strength of his own masculinity. And so this phenomenon is as real and as sacred as the sun rising each day, and is as natural as the sun set as well. You see, all of this is being recorded, this whole journey, and I’m beginning to learn that as we transform in this life, the opportunity to create and co-create the journey of our choice remains the same. What we decide to create will remain a conscious decision until the very day we leave this plane. And so, may all we do align with the soul’s mission, in understanding that we are more than this skin, this hair or these eyes. While I do feel that these eyes are most certainly the windows to the soul. I can literally hear what isn’t said through them at times…~ Shameika Pearson

Breaking down the breakdown

VENUS RETROGRADE IN SCORPIO - update

This has been a very difficult week and month.

The good thing is that all the crap is being cut through with a silver knife and swift motion.

Whoosh! Cut.

Boundaries are being realigned, and I am seeing how many gaps there are in my life. How all of this has been something I create with the same mundane routine and thoughts and feelings of helplessness and disappointments.

I have made some empowering decisions, that are different from how I've made decisions.

No going places I'm not wanted, or where I will not enjoy myself - based on old programming.

Facing my fears, and changing the way I think, behave.

Opening my heart, and I am doing my best to be a nicer person.

My main flaws are judgement, an armoured heart, deep anger, lack of self love, a muted personality, no friends, stinginess, unadventurousness. There are more, but these are the ones that need to be unravelled in order for me to become a nicer person.

I keep falling sick, and when my energy is misaligned, then I make heaps of mistakes.

All the people I know who are on a similar spiritual path have had both great blessings and great challenges being thrown at them in exactly the same moment. We are projecting greatly upon each other, and I am doing my best to not take it on - to understand what my truth is, whtat the authentic energy is. Old souls are not infallible, in fact they are slightly more complicated and bling-sighted than I imagined them to be.

The heavy veils upon my head, and the control that people at work had over me - no longer the case. I have to consciously remove energies from my body, mind and auric fields daily - but the reward is I am me. And I don't feel I have to apologise for it.

I have had to look deep within my heart, and see all the old creepy crawlies, the intensity that is Scorpio, and ask God to fizzle it all out.

I have spoken up and said what was in my heart (or texted it) and if it's love, and the other person can't reciprocate, they are just in another world that doesn't collide with mine.

I am very close to another breakdown.

I just don't know why my connection to God, to the people I used to be able to even hear their thoughts, and see their faces in front of mine - all of it has been swept away.

It is a bunch of miscellaneous, mundane human stuff.

There is a lot of confusion. For example, when I went for a massive purging healing on 22 August, it was made very clear to me, with compassion, that I am imagining love for my cousin that isn't there. Romantic love. And yet, my love and affection for him increases. He fascinates me, and I think that's okay, as long as I don't romanticise it. We may still be spiritual twins, and have something spiritual and worthy that we can bring about together, because our values and our temperaments are quite similarly aligned, but my romantic parner is still a mystery if there ever will be one.

And I have am on my way to fully surrendering to this, because God is more important to me. My connection to God will come first. I idolise everyone if I get them before I get myself, and surrender fully to God.

All being thrashed out, so that I could hopefully begin my travels into this big, bad world and make things slightly better than when I came.

I need to go travelling this coming weekend. I am deep need of healing.

Let's see if I make it happen.

---

Plus point is someone kindly gave me their Netflix details, so I have watched Dev D and now watching Bareilly Ki Barfi. I know I will finish off Raees one day - a bit slow.

It's all a mish-mash of the old mundane, superficial self, and the real self who is being purified.

 I can't say much else; I can't be more eloquent about it right now.

At least I'm still alive, and haven't done anything drastic as yet.

That hasn't been a worry for a long time, up until last week. Work stress and people at work just flipping colours on me, it gets too much of the old crap.

Writing to the Void

Perhaps we each are the most beloved of God's creatures, and because we fail to see what the truth of our souls are, we do not understand what mevlana said when he said we are the honoured guests, why do we beg for pieces, crumbs of the al-faani world?

It takes a lot for the infantile soul to mature, to shed the securities it created and made into tiny gods, to turn into symbols of stability and a measure of success and belovedness.

VENUS RETROGRADE IN SCORPIO

I began this blog - or rather, my first blog from which this one is the more mature, spiritual off-spring - during another Venus Retrograde, the one that was destined to pull apart my heart into so many pieces, I never thought I would ever come back together as a whole person ever again.


..... but I did.

On many days, it does not seem like I am.

I have lost so many things along this path to my Beloved, this meandering path, which I never realised was leading to God. How many times have I run away from God, I literally would rather self destruct, and destroy everything good in my life, than to face Allah as how He truly is.

EGO DISCIPLINE

To be honest, the ego annihilation process never ends. We like to think it will end, and that is why all these fake forecasts on how the light is now entering, and how people are in 5D earth, it makes the most gullible of us believe in yet another fallacy - when they talk about deception, it is this that we must be wary of as well.

Right now, I am in deep mourning over how many hours and years of my life I have wasted, but to not waste even more of my life in the mourning.

For someone like me, I chose the loss to occur in my daily life, the small things, the large things, in daily regular life, to teach me the way to God. That is the soul path, signature. Obstacles crop up, and you overcome them somehow.

Nowadays, I overcome them by detachment, and not caring. Missing something, losing something, not experiencing something: it is all just a game. How many days and nights do we lose in the craving, for yet another veil to God?

.....If it isn't meant to be, then it isn't meant to be. God is the prize, God is the constant.

Sometime in the years gone by, I was so mature and wise. I had all of this time when going through severe depression to be in my SOUL, to BE my soul, to have these chats and these wise inklings, that somehow connected to other parts of my past, the books I had read at university, the books I had read as a child, the experiences I had that were painful, poignant, and somehow meaningful then.

And now, we are in another Venus Retrograde, and rather than take the more convenient route and speak of superficialities, I know that this is another opportunity to gain a closer connection to one's self and to God or Allah. No matter how we frame it, this is still the holy sacred month of Muharram, and it is sacred and every day is a good day to attempt to self-purify.

So what if all the tickets at SOAS were sold out, and I didn't get to meet Arundhati Roy? I'll live.

What's happened to my BECOMING my own version of energy that I'd crave my own company, and not hers? Or anyone I look up to. Someone just messaged me that she is traveling back from London after doing a live show with Braco, the healer. I missed out on that as well.


She did tell me in advance he was coming, and I said I would see.


That's where the real mastery lies. Owning all of our created upheavals and failures.

But, nowadays, I am crumbling so much, I can't look myself in the eyes in the mirror.

I am unsure why this is repeating itself - is it just that I really dislike winter - or is it that there is jsut a lot going on?

There is more to write, but at this precise moment, I am choking up with unshed tears. My throat hurts in the pain of suppressed wails.

So I must desist, and cry out, sob out all the grief and disappointment I feel about myself and the life I continue to create.

At age 34, this is not where I saw myself. I had greater expectations of myself.

....but God humbles those he humbles.

I had to ask my cousin to telephone me last night, because I needed someone on the other side of the phone. So that this Void wouldn't devour me.

So the reality of my once again not having friends wouldn't devour me alive.

It is very surprising how many people I know who don't know me at all, and don't care as they used to. What surprises me more is how I don't care for them, either.

I've kept them close because they have been kind to me, or they are light workers.

But all of them have spoken out of turn, spoken a lot about themselves, or about my lack and my faults, and I've felt heavy and awful afterwards.

So each day, I cut them energetically out of my life.

Yesterday, I cut out people from my phone-book and from Facebook - and I am left with hardly anyone on those lists! That triggered the sadness and meltdown.

This world will become a better place - 

sadly, not before I leave it - 
but hopefully before I am reborn into it.

making me humble

We begin writing with the pronoun "we". It is a long journey to integrating and being absorbed by Him, so that I becomes We. But if we start with that intention, then at least He knows of it.

Someone wise told me God knows how long ago: We are born alone, and we die alone. We face our Creator alone. So why then do you feel the earthly life wouldn't be interspersed with great bouts of aloneness, as well as loneliness?"

I am in deep healing, after spending a huge chunk of 2018 distracted and seduced by my ego, the blindness, and this world.

It is only after I spent time during the family wedding, and I went to the fancy reception, and ate the best red velevet cake, and was surrounded by silks, jewels, and women wearing tonnes of make up, suits, ties, shiny shoes, arrogant business people, and men who didn't know the first thing about how to be respectful to a woman walking or talking - it didn't hit me then, but only when I was back "home", in my own bed, and safe and comfortable with my own thoughts, books, little things that remind me of who I am.

An uncarpeted floor. It's been uncarpeted for a year and a half now due my own dysfunction.
 

And it is with these draw-backs, that we can find the nugget of humility, the groundedness that is required in order to gain a little more proximity to our Lord.

It has been a long while since I have felt the urge to write, and even though I have the urge, and there is light within me and around me, there's still not a lot to be said at this time.

My heart opens and shuts at will.

I fumble a lot.

I have created such a difficult learning ground, a city called London is where I currently reside.

A lot of falsity has been exposed within me and without. And I let go of everything fake within and without.

Whereas before, being alone would be an immense dark cavern inside of my heart, I have had another shamanic healing exactly a month ago, after Eid prayers (which I missed), and it filled me up with more light.

Now, I feel whole from within - not entirely, but enough to know that my own solitude is comfortable and even desired.

For soon, I will be absorbed and I will KNOW the sacred divine intimately.

He only comes when we are open
                                              humble
                                         and alone

P.S. I finally came across new music that would be sacred and would heal my personality. Isam B's energy is so lovely and divinely guided. He also reminds me of my cousin, a very similar energy. I'm in love with Isam's voice. It's very powerful, feminine, yet grounding and masculine - all in one.

At least, that's the best I can describe it for now.

I was devastated when I recently discovered that Outlandish disbanded an entire year ago. I had to grieve, especially since I never allowed myself to attend any of their live concerts. And now, they are as blessed as solo artists as they were together.

There is a lot that has occurred, and will occur.

I trust that the correct words will fall upon these pages in the correct manner, in the right time.

May our Creator free each of us from suffering, and align us with His will and with our Souls.

those who feel like home

A sea of people,
Yet only very few feel like home.
Some we knew from when we were children,
Afraid to speak, but had a companionship of the heart.

And now, a sea separates one from those who feel like home.

For some, it is more an ocean.
For others, it is a mountain of everlasting silence, never to be broken.

Love never to be declared.

A Sufi is everlastingly grateful for everything ever denied. The secret is a deep one, filled with profundity. We can live a very surface based existence, following passions, lusts, whims, laws, fashions, the mind and intellect.

Until one day, the soul is overburdened by the denial of truth, and states firmly: enough.

We continue to deny in order to purify.

Your first love is your divine Creator. The secrets within this Love will burn your wings, and your sight will also be sacrificed.

But within you, your heart will unfurl, the cage around it will shatter. Everything you have lost, including your dignity and your sanity, can truly be restored in a wholesome way.

The whispered prayer of the one most in need will resume to be asked within the hallowed halls of the saintly tombs.

But the meaning is now entirely different.

We ask for a continuous audience with God.

Anything else is paltry and a pretty mirage.

for the duration of my seclusion

"In the quiet moments
the soul has no real urges or desires
When the universe gives you a pocket of quiet, silence, peace,
please dear Soul,
enjoy it and elaborate on it.
That fountain of gratitude that bursts forth from the heart,
allows you to expand time and enjoy more peace.

It is a reality that you create with your gifts."

I have not felt so peaceful since April, when I was in a house in Richmond Hill, sitting on a plush white carpet, leaning against a wall, snow falling softly outside, managing a panic attack and crying silently, whilst my cousin prayed his salaat to my right-hand side. And even then, even with his aura being so warm, healing and magical, I didn't have the power to truly be my own self and feel free from the shackles. I hid myself away like a non-related woman would have to. people passed by me, ignoring me. It is all acceptable, because it is what I experienced and is done.

Life is chaotic, what else can I say?

But right now, I am feeling as though more darkness has lifted.

When I am alone, and when I isolate myself from the people during the weekends, I am able to remember myself in snippets. I can breathe easily. Around others, my 11-2 pattern of taking on other people's patterns kicks up, and I behave in a way I regret later on.

But it doesn't come from the meditation.

I still have not been praying the five a day salaat, and I wonder at myself how I can set myself up for such an arduous journey.

Prayer is not about my ego, and yet my ego makes it all about the ego. And I have indulged it for long, because I justify myself. I say so-and-so is favoured by God, and yet she doesn't prostrate in the Muslim prayer. I forget that, for all of that, she also is possibly on her own journey and the standards by which she will be evolving are different from mine. (Although they do say in sufi tradition that a the more a person is actualised, they will take even more care regarding the daily prayers and even if the number of prayers remains five, the quality of the prayer would help them to even levitate and do the astral travels within it, as the saints have done and continue to do).

It is not as though she has somehow gotten less favour from God for not being Muslim and praying. Quite the contrary, from whatever accounts she makes regarding her mystical experiences.

I know all of this, and yet, the guilt eats me up inside my heart. It is as though, since I was born as a Muslim, I have this duty to carry on with the same tradition. I know it works very well for my cousin, and for others who have also done the inner work.

But then, they eat meat so frequently, it must have an effect upon the soul. It can't not. Whatever goes in affects our soul. And comes out as well.

BEING IN EITIKAAF

Eitikaaf is something I chose for myself from the first day of Ramadhan. It is difficult when you work full time, and when you are a friendly chatty person. Or when chatting to someone means that you feel connected to something. But that is why we do the seclusion. To trigger and bring up all of the fears and insecurities we have that are numbed by the chatter and business.

I am being shown how much disconnection I still have. No visions, no dreams, no third eye open. Just fatigue, anger, people still behaving like morons outside. I just stay home on the weekends because it's safer for me to do so.

The days I fast have been good, I am slowly crushing that stubbornness and the self righteousness. I am now realising that the self righteousness originates from me. Once that goes, people are easier to get along with. We all make mistakes, and it's about finding a way through the chaos and the noise to move back to God and make life easier.


The sacred nights of Qadr are here and I already have my long list of wishes.




Number one, fill me with the zeal of sitting under a starlit sky. It's been years since I did that romantic thing.

Number two is PLEASE grant my favourite music artists with the healing and inspiration they need to make even more high frequency and sacred music. Especially Outlandish, A.R. Rahman, and Coke Studio Season 11 which will start on 14 August (so maybe that prayer is a bit too late now, lol, since they probably have finished composing and recording all of the songs by now. For Season 10, I won't be buying the entire album, just a few songs.). I am also praying that I can find the MP3s for Atif Aslam's Coke Studio songs - I can't find Dholna, Charkha Nolakha and Rabba Sacheya, and it's annoying my ego.


I really request true friends. Please forgive me for all of my flaws which have contributed to my being entirely friendless in London. And heal the issues I have with my family and relatives. Help me to forgive Life every moment (and help me to stop cursing the ignorant, because it just comes back to me threefold).


I need a new job that is respectful of my intellect, creativity and soul. And people who love and respect God, themselves and others. Intelligent and funny people.


And all the rest of it.


I am so exhausted and tired with all of the solar flare activity.

Time for bed.

The heart continues to close, and then open. Same for the mind. Hopefully, I will find respite soon.

Somehow each gives the appearance of the other | Rumi

God’s presence is there in front of me,
a fire on the left, a lovely stream on the right.
One group walks toward the fire, into the fire,
another toward the sweet flowing water.
No one knows which are blessed and which not.
Whoever walks into the fire
appears suddenly in the stream.
A head goes under on the water surface,
that head pokes out of the fire.
Most people guard against going into the fire,
and so end up in it.
Those who love the water of pleasure, and make
it their devotion, are cheated with this reversal.
The trickery goes further.
The voice of the fire tells the truth,
saying, “I am not fire. I am fountainhead.
Come into me and don’t mind the sparks.”
If you are a friend of God, fire is your water.
You should wish to have
a hundred thousand sets of mothwings,
so you could burn them away, one set a night.
The moth sees light and goes into fire.
You should see fire and go toward light.
Fire is what of God is world-consuming.
Water, world-protecting.
Somehow each gives the appearance of the other.
To these eyes you have now what looks like water burns.
What looks like fire is a great relief to be inside.
- Rumi

a little forward movement on the scale of evolution

We all come to a point in our lives whereby the things that would break our heart, do not. You can experience things and still keep that song in your heart.

This month has been really testing for me, mainly on the days I am at work in Mitcham and having to deal with the disturbed public there. Daily, I meet unaligned people, far removed from anything divine and spiritual, misunderstandings abound. I have had at least three women entirely waste precious hours of my life with their blatant lies and ****.

Unfortunately, my intuition either doesn't kick in or I am not listening to it. Had I known, I would have behaved differently. I'm so behind on my other work, it's like trying to hold onto a thousand strings.

Since I began fasting at work, I escape to the local park during lunch, so I can breathe and regain what little dignity I can. Thankfully, it has been sunny and dry in London in order for me to do this.

Today, I accidentally bumped into my friend in the supermarket. He's changed his working hours for the holy month, and so he finishes at 7:00pm. We both were tired from thirst and fasting, and he was stressed - sigh. I wonder if there will ever be a time of freedom and laughter and good stuff.

But I was happy to see him - it has been three months since we last saw each other.

And this time I could see that all of my airs and graces had been swiftly taken from me. Part of this was a result of spending time with my "Sufi" cousin when I was in Toronto, without the airs and graces I used to hold so dearly to myself. He can see thrugh most people, most of the time, most of the way. (Lol.)

I was myself, if a bit lost for the real words and topics due to fatigue.

I ended up getting him some Oreo chocolate, as that's really the only thing I knew he would actually like and eat - he refused to tell me what to get him for his iftaar. God, please bless my friend with the real light you blessed me and my cousin with.

But the desperation and clinging is long gone. If I don't see him, I am contented. This is a major achievement of my soul, which I am acknowledging publicly. I used to cry with real pain in my heart, and wish I could have him for myself. Funnily enough, two nights ago, the same toxic unhelpful regrets about how single I am at age 34, and how no one really wanted to be with me went through my energy field and I cried so much. There was pain in my heart and brain, and I had to place selenite on those areas to extract the pain. It was a much deeper level of healing and acceptance that was needed.

I just want my own husband, and my own happiness now. Without the rubbish that I take almost weekly from certain people I work with, the unhappy ones disconnected from themselves and addicted to alcohol, lying, complaining, and the rest of it.

I truly wonder if this will ever happen?

But then, other things have taken place as well. My dear Moshi died last Thursday - he was put down after being run over by a car. Moshi was my cousin's spoiled cat, but we all loved him SO very much.

I cried a lot for two days. Now I am okay with that.

I fell so ill over the weekend, that I was unable to leave my bed for most of it - such a frustrating, repetitive pattern. It really confounds me how to move forward with this.

My Rahaani teacher told me if I am not self healing, journeying to see my guide, or healing another person, then no wonder I am not highly intuitive and my world isn't going quite as I would like.

I just feel it gets too much to bear sometimes.

I hope you understand the depth of what I mean, and not see this as more complaining and ingratitude. Not that there's anything wrong with being in that state for a while.

I'm still missing the bus, and now they are almost empty buses in the morning. But having missed those buses, I have bumped into very attractive, handsome, well dressed and seemingly kind and benign desi men - who may or may not be single, and may or may not be my spiritual/romantic matches.

Let us see. At the very least, I make more of an effort when getting ready for work in the morning :)

Today was the 6th of the month of Ramadhan. I am technically in eitikaaf, and speaking to His creatures is a part of this eitikaaf. I have and am reflecting upon my core fears and my failings, mistakes, and negativities and asking for help to move beyond all of this.

According to my psychic, I still have to go through another month of utter bull until hopefully my life will be "for real" lighter and filled with Allah's grace.

But I notice I am using the pronoun "I" still.

Speaking of which, my two books arrived - The Degrees of the Soul and The Forty Rules of Love.

I'm going to inundate my energy with Light until I become it.

No other choice; the way of crap and delusion and destruction doesn't work.