Letters to Manu - One

Note to Reader: I have decided to write letters to my first love who left me 9 years ago - in the hopes that I will be able to write authentically, and just write, pretty much. It is killing me that I can't find anything to write, there is no impetus. One of my main motivations to write is love. To people I love, or about people I love.

If I don't start and continue to write, those novels or books aren't going to get written. I'm already 35 years old and people have told me for the last nine years to write.

Dear Manu,

These letters that I now write to you are after having met you nine whole years ago. Today may have been the day you let me go by written words for the very last time, all those years ago. The good news is that I don't know the dates any longer. I spent 8 long years holding onto you, thinking you were it. That you were my piece of God.

I am writing to you because you are my best friend. Maybe in my imagination, but you are my best friend.

I mean, technically, I need to be my own best friend - but if you are my twin flame, then you are my best friend as well.... is that how it goes, Universe? Please bring clarity to my confusion.

I am doing my best to move on and progress.

This entire healing business, I know it ends at some point. I mean, the collapses and the disappointments and the illusions.

I met a really nice guy and in the space of a month, from not being ready for a romantic relationship, I now feel I am. But he already said we're not compatible and so we can be friends instead.

Now, I don't feel about him the same way I felt about you, or about the other two men I fell for, but it is difficult to deal with a heart that bruises. He's very childlike and has no idea about how it can be to have a sensitive person in your life. I wonder if I am really am just too sensitive.

My shamanic healer Gareth, he had to remove the heart I had and Spirit replaced it with a heart of crystal so that my heart would be stronger and not break each time something like this or worse happens. I feel the psychic surgery worked. I feel disappointed, sad, heart is hurting, but it's not broken.

After all, I've gained a valued and cherished friend. Most of it is my desi, Muslim programming. He knows Urdu, and he's a tad too desi for my liking but he's really nice as a soul. Another soulmate.

****

It really makes me wonder if I ever will find a few romantic partners in life. I really never imagined my life being like this after 2 years of proper healing. But it is. Alhamdulillah.

I'm still financially challenged. That hasn't changed, but I'm trying to be more generous to those who are sans abri and I messed up when I was in Naples, Italy. I got really scared and thought it was too dangerous to talk to them. I now regret it.

I'm determined to become a proper practicing shaman because that's where life is leading me, but that means giving up the regular joys of life. Going out, partying (I've never partied in my life, it's too overwhelming), having bunches of friends and travelling the world over.

As Matt Kahn said in one of his latest videos, we get what we get. We are doing the best with what we get.

I just learned a new healing modality which worked at the time of the course, but this week I'm struggling - possibly because I need to be doing things in the physical world. Such as exercise, going out and having fun, taking care of myself, and writing.

****

Do you know how long it has been? I used to write extensively. You know, you were the poor unwilling victim to tomes and tomes of poetry, written prose and love notes.

My friend told me, very wisely, that I was exposing myself and giving everything to you, warts and all, and you just stood back and observed the carnage.

She was right. I had to continue, though, because I needed to experience it first hand. There was such a pull, a compulsion. Now I just think it was a huge spell, and entities.

But beneath all of that, there is love. There is always a potent, powerful love.

***

Now, I just don't write any longer. God knows when was the last time I channelled a divine poem, a healing poem.

I had another guy from Islamabad have a crush on me recently and sending me erotic poems and some really beautiful poems. From the heart. Channelled.

But messed up emotionally and I deserve better.

I was envious of his poems, haha. Somehow I could inspire him to write such amazing stuff, and here I am - depleted and worn out and heart-bruised.

London has never been the right city for me. Never.

I just didn't have a choice at first. Maybe I came back here because we were meant to meet. We were meant to get married, according to that dream you had in 2017. But we never did. You blocked it, or whatever external influences. Or whatever, who knows?

I'm seeing a Sufi healer on Thursday to help remove the dark magic. It's all over my third eye.

 

But then, if we vibrate high enough, none of this should be able to touch us, right? Unless it is part of the path.

I can't empathise and heal someone going through something without going through it myself. That's always the case.

****

Sometimes I am a priestess, a goddess.

And sometimes I am a mess.

****

You used to write really well when you tried. I remember the sweet things you used to write. They have been coming back to me after all those years. Since September. I could see your face, hear your voice, your words would come to my mind all over again.

I'm just a tad too intense sometimes - but trust me, it's a lot more balanced than when we knew each other.

That's why I thought it would be okay to send you a message on 11/11 last month. I thought it would show me how much I have healed, by how you replied to me.

You had a flippant reply. When I read it, my entire body burned all over again, and I felt sick to my stomach all over again, It felt like pure venom. At first, I thought it was the tone of your reply - then the next day when I re-read it, your reply was fine  just as one writes to a professional colleague.

Is the venom inside of me then? Or is it true what they say about twin flame connection - it actually burns you when it's wrong and messed up?

Anyway, I was going to write more, but I feel this is enough for today.

I still miss you. I remembered that it's your cousin's death anniversary as well this month and I prayed for him because well, why not? Still remember his cat on Facebook. It was a cute cat. His kid must be a teenager now.

****

The best thing for a woman who has only been able to attract unavailable men, and emotionally wounded men is the opportunity to go back within, and heal her hurt selves, the inner child who feels hurt and abandoned.

I am still leaving myself for the other reflection of me.

There is no need for that,

Their light only blinds because you once again dimmed yours.

Please, can we sort the financial blocks please? I'm so tired of that pattern!

The Insanity of the Lives I Left Behind

Image by manfredrichter on Pixabay

Disconnection

These times of healing are shit difficult. I'm not even going to censor the swear words today.

I am finally reaching a point of balance within myself. Some days it feels like I am really inhabiting this body, that the fingers are mine, the soles of the feet are mine .

My expressions become more poetic and eloquent, and I'm not focussed or obsessed on how perfect other people are.

Some days are like this.

But most days, the insecurity and the low self esteem of lifetimes comes to the surface.

Now, the thing is, I still don't know or maybe I don't want to clear the emotions the moment they come up.

I know the basics of emotion Code and can use a magnet on my conception meridian and clear it.

I told myself ages ago, I ought to.

But, heck, do I actually heal myself that way? Heck.

Image by johnhain on Pixabay

The situation for me as a whole stifles and ekes me out; the circumstances I find myself in are increasingly suffocating.

I can't be with the birth family any longer.

Either they have failed gloriously in the task to awaken to love and truth, or they were never meant to.

Can't have any conversations with them; I sound crazy to them.

What's worse is the disrespect I still receive from them, and none of them reflect upon their own selves to question if ever I have been correct in following my own soul's voice.

All my illusions are now being shown to me.

I still don't feel like going out, or doing anything fun. It's literally been healing after healing after healing. And working to earn money. The joy that I worked hard to garner within me has gone for this job.

I'm here because I still haven't found a way forward. Making mistakes due to the fact I really just don't care any longer.

I work in an environment whereby even if they were light-workers or healers, one would never know because of the amount of bs and crap that's brought into the workplace. There have been many days of recent I leave with physical issues in stomach or mind - I still am struggling with psychic protection. It feel, to me, that I keep picking up on their negative entities. I can't afford to do this another day.

Image by StockSnap on Pixabay

It takes at least 50 deaths to wake up, and trust me, I'm just on the first level.

God, where do I go from here? Show me.

Friendships would therefore be difficult to maintain or form, because all the ones before were based on my continuing to be dysfunctional and broken.

There are two or three people I wish to still remain friends with, but they don't care for me the way I care for them.

All of them are males.

And I have to cut cords and let them go, because for some reason I bring nothing to their lives which is positive or noticeable.

Waking up is shit difficult. I seem to just keep losing people, even the good ones... And one of them IS actually awake.

Lekin kya karein? You can't resist this world and the shifting energetics that occur within us.

Souls that were so close to me become so distant. Such is life.

There is also goodness, but we don't give details of goodness because the nature of the internet has become so perverse that energies are drained and attacked, and that's no longer tolerable or tolerated.

May we all heal ourselves.

There's a lot of crap flying around, a lot of lives still living within us even though we outlived those realities.

My prayer for those who are both awake and not: slow down, reflect, heal, wake up, and help each other to rise.

I find myself wishing to engage with certain creative souls, vocal souls, but the noise and chaos feels too much, I step back.

Maybe I'll feel very different in a few months time when I've gotten my own shit together.

But as of now, cooking a decent meal for myself and getting to this 9-5 job and working as best I can with a bunch of unaware, unhappy, disconnected souls is the best I can do.



Keeping silent and clearing judgements brings much grace.

That's something I've gone into seclusion this weekend to work on.

All of a sudden, I'm actually speaking to people like Waqas Ali and Isam Bachiri (whom I sort of idolise due to them being powerful older souls who've just paved the way for abundance and healing music and saved me from much deeper sorrow)... On Instagram, but still! Waqas actually replied to me, and it felt so validating.

As though, again, I now exist on this planet.

And now, need to drag this body exhausted from past life healing up to do the mundane chores I wish I didn't have to do every damned weekend.

It's not what I came here to do.

But it is what I find myself doing.

These are not complaints, just realisations of where I am and where I wish I was in life.

Image by geralt on Pixabay

In the end, to be as humble as dust, one pays the price of humiliation and a complete stripping down of any artifice and fakeness, lies and deceit towards oneself and God.

Peace x

Sheru

If I could find the time to find the Tarot deck I have hiding somewhere in my room, I am sure that I would have pulled out the Tower card today.

My Beloved creator, what secrets do You hide and then reveal, smashing it all up?

I thought I was in a good place. But then I realise that this ego of mine ensures that I delay every single good, healing session or action, it blocks it. I forget, or I distract myself by writing to strangers on Twin Flame forums, trying to persuade them to let go of their misconceptions, or on LinkedIn, trying to find some positive networking opportunity that would bring me my abundance.

It's all a smoke screen. Living weekend to weekend, not having souls friendships on which to lean on for love and support, not even BEING that friend myself because I can't cope, and most people I meet, I see their souls and the light and love, but that doesn't mean that there is a real connection.

My routine was changed for me in December and January. Majorly crippling flu that made me go a bit nuts. But at least it allowed me to book all the healing sessions that I have been denying myself.

And, the revelations. This is the second weekend my body feels as though a truck slammed into it. So much old crap that is stuck in my body. I can't speak for anyone else because our experiences are so varied. But my own body, my heart, my mind, my soul...

I've also finally removed enough to get things going. Finally sourced some plant medicine, need to journal every day.

I can divorce myself from the emotions and still see things from the condor's perspective. From soul perspective. This really is just ONE of my incarnations. It feels like this is the "s**t clearing" incarnation. That's all I've been doing, a lot of hard graft and little fun. Leaking energy, healing others through my life and my body and my mind. Portals, and all that stuff that I don't even have a conscious awareness of, eight years after superficially waking up.

I had a really awful panic attack at work on Friday, and that was a very humbling experience, because it was over a really silly mistake I made, and I judged myself and felt so much same. It was also in front of three colleagues of mine, which increased my shame.

I thought I was going to make a new friend, but the experience just showed me to have compassion for myself, the other person and circumstances, and to trust my radar.

These distractions are very valuable learning experiences, and luckily I don't even have to leave home and meet people whilst having them. This is such an introverted time for me, a time of massive self reflection and healing.

People are feeling the pushes and the discomfort, but most still distract and don't have an idea what's going on.

I heard about someone having just lost two young male friends to suicide over the Christmas period. The men are struggling a lot with the stuff, but so are the women.

It's no longer a gendered phenomenon, it's about who has the courage to heal and who doesn't.

I don't, I didn't, and then something awful or humiliating occurs, and I have to put my inner child back in focus. My self love in focus.

Sheru

Lion is a film. It is a divine film. It is a healing film. I began watching it on Wednesday, and cried and cried. It triggered something so raw inside of myself. Children are going through so much, as are the adults.

Now.

In 2019.

Now.

Then I had another Emotion Code session with my practitioner, and my inner child showed her a lot of things very traumatic past life that hadn't healed up until now.

Egypt, child, parents just dumped me in the street as a child and abandoned me. And I had to somehow survive. The police and adults tormented me, tortured me, harassed me, and I died of starvation. This is the second lifetime in Egypt, the first was with Imran - caused a lot of chaos, and died alone - again.

I'm crying as I write this.

It explains a lot about my fears. About being abandoned.

It explains why I used to be devastated every time someone left my life, friends, lovers.

Why I have closed my heart so much, I can't see beyond my pain.

Why I'm always scared of being poor and dying on the street.

Why I cry when I see that this stuff is being repeated daily in this insane planet.

Why I haven't felt safe anywhere on this planet, except in Najaf and Kerbala.

No child should still be going through this. No adult.

And now my life path has become much clearer.

I will work with the children, purely doing the healing work. Clear the emotions as I see them attach, so no one is living the life of a 34 year old but following traumas from birth onwards. Or past lives onwards.

There is now no need for it.

Anyway, what I must stress to the healers and the female twin flames, is please can we get over ourselves as far as the wound about being played a fool by a man or woman? Please can we?

There are bigger fish to fry.

All souls are one soul.

All of us are one soul.

All of us are from the same Creator and we need to do what we came here to do.

I would personally recommend Emotion Code as a good way to clear, and also Jane Ward as the healer. She's amazing, and very affordable compared to others equally good but expensive.

I now have to end, as the processing of this healing is continuing. I must sleep and heal.

I am grateful for this burden being taken away from me, my heart feels lighter, I am able to channel information a lot better, and I was able to do some shopping even though I did freak out towards the end.

Do the healing work until the time you are free. Commit to YOURSELF like no lover ever has or will do.

And be compassionate to all those who aren't on this same path, and those who will not choose to do this.

Because, it ain't easy. And I have noticed that souls have chosen easier and more flowing lives because they wanted a break to enjoy life. And sometimes be obnoxious as a result.

Such is the intricacy of existence.

self expression

I'm finding it a bit easier to express to people verbally how I feel.

And at the same time, I am finding some really unhappy people taking out their crap on me, the last was a new mother who came to my workplace and treated me like a servant. The funny thing is that she was from what is classed as an oppressed ethnic minority. I just tolerated her, as my energy has worn thin with humans at this time.

This year has shown to me all the places whereby my ego has been grabbing onto things and people and experiences that are not for me.

Creativity has been blocked entirely, and I am working on healing some stuff inside of me, to help me progress.

As usual, I am alone in this, and lonely.

As usual, ghosts from the past come to haunt me in the silent, darkness at night. I speak to them, I tell them how I feel, there is no answer, not even to my "salaam".

I have been distracting myself with Indian cinema and Bollywood interviews. Makes me happy to a least be associated with Indian lineage, even if my own particular family's lineage is mightily f*cked up.

I have made some firm decisions, that I am now awaiting my dear Allah to help me finalise and materialise.

This will change the fabric of this earth, and grant me some everlasting peace.

Jab insaan itna thaktha hai dunya se, logon sey, umeedein jab sab khojatein hain, phir focus karna parta hai towards something that works better.

Haar maanne koi buri baat nahi hai.

We go back to the drawing board and take a huge rest, and then pick lighter challenges and come back down again.

In other news, I just learned that Sikhism is only 500 years old, and was merged a little between Hinduism and Islam. So interesting.

I like the energy behind Sikhism, feels very pure - especially when I listen to Ik Onkar by Harshdeep Kaur.

These are just disjointed thoughts - I've had the flu and it's kicked my butt again.Bollywood is keeping me connected and grounded.

Issi bandi ko zyaada inkesaari ki zaroorat par rahi hai... kya karein?

This song is my latest love - I just discovered it:

a little forward movement on the scale of evolution

We all come to a point in our lives whereby the things that would break our heart, do not. You can experience things and still keep that song in your heart.

This month has been really testing for me, mainly on the days I am at work in Mitcham and having to deal with the disturbed public there. Daily, I meet unaligned people, far removed from anything divine and spiritual, misunderstandings abound. I have had at least three women entirely waste precious hours of my life with their blatant lies and ****.

Unfortunately, my intuition either doesn't kick in or I am not listening to it. Had I known, I would have behaved differently. I'm so behind on my other work, it's like trying to hold onto a thousand strings.

Since I began fasting at work, I escape to the local park during lunch, so I can breathe and regain what little dignity I can. Thankfully, it has been sunny and dry in London in order for me to do this.

Today, I accidentally bumped into my friend in the supermarket. He's changed his working hours for the holy month, and so he finishes at 7:00pm. We both were tired from thirst and fasting, and he was stressed - sigh. I wonder if there will ever be a time of freedom and laughter and good stuff.

But I was happy to see him - it has been three months since we last saw each other.

And this time I could see that all of my airs and graces had been swiftly taken from me. Part of this was a result of spending time with my "Sufi" cousin when I was in Toronto, without the airs and graces I used to hold so dearly to myself. He can see thrugh most people, most of the time, most of the way. (Lol.)

I was myself, if a bit lost for the real words and topics due to fatigue.

I ended up getting him some Oreo chocolate, as that's really the only thing I knew he would actually like and eat - he refused to tell me what to get him for his iftaar. God, please bless my friend with the real light you blessed me and my cousin with.

But the desperation and clinging is long gone. If I don't see him, I am contented. This is a major achievement of my soul, which I am acknowledging publicly. I used to cry with real pain in my heart, and wish I could have him for myself. Funnily enough, two nights ago, the same toxic unhelpful regrets about how single I am at age 34, and how no one really wanted to be with me went through my energy field and I cried so much. There was pain in my heart and brain, and I had to place selenite on those areas to extract the pain. It was a much deeper level of healing and acceptance that was needed.

I just want my own husband, and my own happiness now. Without the rubbish that I take almost weekly from certain people I work with, the unhappy ones disconnected from themselves and addicted to alcohol, lying, complaining, and the rest of it.

I truly wonder if this will ever happen?

But then, other things have taken place as well. My dear Moshi died last Thursday - he was put down after being run over by a car. Moshi was my cousin's spoiled cat, but we all loved him SO very much.

I cried a lot for two days. Now I am okay with that.

I fell so ill over the weekend, that I was unable to leave my bed for most of it - such a frustrating, repetitive pattern. It really confounds me how to move forward with this.

My Rahaani teacher told me if I am not self healing, journeying to see my guide, or healing another person, then no wonder I am not highly intuitive and my world isn't going quite as I would like.

I just feel it gets too much to bear sometimes.

I hope you understand the depth of what I mean, and not see this as more complaining and ingratitude. Not that there's anything wrong with being in that state for a while.

I'm still missing the bus, and now they are almost empty buses in the morning. But having missed those buses, I have bumped into very attractive, handsome, well dressed and seemingly kind and benign desi men - who may or may not be single, and may or may not be my spiritual/romantic matches.

Let us see. At the very least, I make more of an effort when getting ready for work in the morning :)

Today was the 6th of the month of Ramadhan. I am technically in eitikaaf, and speaking to His creatures is a part of this eitikaaf. I have and am reflecting upon my core fears and my failings, mistakes, and negativities and asking for help to move beyond all of this.

According to my psychic, I still have to go through another month of utter bull until hopefully my life will be "for real" lighter and filled with Allah's grace.

But I notice I am using the pronoun "I" still.

Speaking of which, my two books arrived - The Degrees of the Soul and The Forty Rules of Love.

I'm going to inundate my energy with Light until I become it.

No other choice; the way of crap and delusion and destruction doesn't work.

The miracle of my Submission rests in Thy heart

Today, after such a long time, I felt my essence creep back within me, and expel itself outwards.

I have felt so tired for so long.

So very long.

It seems that the path of the mystic begins in utter forgetfulness, and repeats the same in this world of utter chaos and confusion.

I was sitting on the bus this morning, with the sunlight streaming through the dirty, unwashed windows. For the last few weeks, my senses have been heightened and I can't stand the sounds of other people talking in rough tones. Everywhere I find myself, I feel that the experience is burden to my soul. A necessary evil. The constraints are coming back to cloak me.

And in that sunlight, I saw the dust specks that float around in our environment. And there is something about not having any control over our environment that brings a soul to question their Creator: is this really what I came here for?

A long list of people's names and faces float in front of my eyes, teaching me that no matter how badly I desired connection, or the experience of romance or friendship, no amount of forcing things ever made it occur. And when I forced things, they ended up being pale and corrupted versions of what I originally wished to create.

On my way home, I took the bus I rarely take as I needed a different route "home", a different point of view, a different outcome. I need to wash myself off of the crap I have taken on during the day.

I got off the bus alongside a bunch of people who live in my neighbourhood, yet we lead entirely separate and secluded lives. I went in the direction that was not the same as theirs, into the long seeded grasses of the common.

I touched and kissed the buttercups, and breathed in the liquid green healing that was available to my really exhausted soul. My feet began to dance as they struck the dry, cracked earthened track...

And I remembered my time in Uzumlu, walking with an older gentleman who was like my grandfather, and who had recently departed from this plane.

They were walks that I took and he tired to help me in his own way, yet once we were back in London, my demons took over and I never once sent him a text or rang him.

And now he is forever gone, and all I have is an apology to his soul for not honouring the connection.



The sunlight is peeling my skin apart, and peeling apart the egoic structures.

I had opened my heart last week and allowed the initiation to take place, to trust in Love and in Sacred God Light and in God.

And now my heart is closed again... and I pray each day for it to open again.

The past is now most definitely the past, yet the sadness and the disappointment is still stuck in this foolish heart of mine, and so I eat sugar as though my life depended upon it.

Trust me to be my own worst enemy. And it is taking a lot of me to come to terms with what i have been doing with myself to ensure that I remain in a painful state.

Family have shown me that they can not be trusted to treat me with respect and true love as I somehow expected and anticipated from them.

What is a relief, and a mystery, is that the person I thought was my twin flame, my Manu, and the one I assumed I would always have strong and passionate feelings for, has gone entirely from my heart. It is disappointing from the point of view of my soul's development, as the aim to to love every single bit of Life as God, but from another point of view, having entirely neutral or no feelings at all is the biggest breakthrough. I can't even conjure up his face in my mind's eye any longer, nor his energy with mine as I lie to go to sleep.

It is as though he no longer exists at all now in my personal world.

I suppose that is the only way I can move on with my life, to thrive, to survive. Because, facing the ugly fact, he both made and broke me. A million times.

And as for the other two, there is not really much point in dragging on hopeless scenarios. Married men will remain happily married with children, and nothing I pray for or imagine or hope will manifest. They don't love me enough

... and there is a huge blessing in that.

I am slowly becoming an automaton in the workplace and I must find a solution and a way out.

It is severely disappointing to me that once again I will not complete a course and certification due to life and my ill health.

I've just gotten bored with everything that everyone has to say. Any harm that comes to me, and trust me it comes to me daily, is looked upon with a weariness and a studied avoidance. No matter how much I avoid being around people and cars, they find a way to interfere with my journey and almost run me over and kill me. Almost daily now. Just like I miss the bus to work daily.


I read something really precious in the book I have in front of me... "The Knowing Heart" by Kabir Helminski, and it talks about surrender and submission of one's will and taking everything as a true gift.

Every smite, difficulty, everything.

I feel that in my quest to find real teachings and teachers, I have still come up with cold air and the whispers of a sweet, masculine, American (but not Texan) voice on a freezing cold night driving back to Richmond Hill from Niagara Falls.

My mind had been upset and attacked for the preceding days, I had experienced two major panic attacks in someone else's use, and I had to somehow maintain my dignity amongst clueless relatives. it was tough.

"Well, may I be blunt?"

"Sure."

"The problem is that you haven't submitted fully to God. You keep talking in terms of I."

And I have had to view that uncomfortable truth straight in the eye. Every single day.

But, it takes time to get to that state, my dear majnoon brother. (Making you my brother will be a lot easier for my soul to bear than the original desire).

And you have been blessed with that state after all of your self discipline and dedication.

I have not done that for myself as yet, and so I am learning to move forward.

It is beautiful to be in the presence of someone with such a calming, loving energy flooding through their entire system. I didn't have to be speaking to him (and trust me, he didn't feel like talking to me most of the time). I just craved to be in the same auric field as his, and so I took all opportunities to do that, including staying up late into the night whilst they talked about kryptocurrency, and athiests and agnostics, and then I felt more grounded and safer. At "home". Embraced, and comforted.

At the time, I assumed it was him I was after, and for the last two years since we met, I assumed that would give my soul the peace it was seeking.

But we always mistake the vessel, the pottery, for the true authentic Source of energy.

God then breaks the pottery, makes it so very flawed and mean and avoidant, that He returns you back to the Source. God loves us too much to let us remain in delusion for that long. Especially if we are sincere in our seeking, and our in our light.

But what sincerity is, is different to each soul. Remember Moses and the shepherd, always. We each have been that Shepherd, and Moses, and Khidhr, and all of them. We are all One. We just need to remember.

But it takes experience and a certain level of growth to see Truth with clarity and immediacy. A lot of solitude and reflection - so that one doesn't begin hating the one we love, but seeing them as unable to love back in the same manner. It is not their role to appease any insecurities, but to unpick and unravel our tapestry of self deceit as to allow all the maggots to come to the surface, and gnaw the false sense of self into dust.

How vulnerable it feels to be thrown back to the ground again, to get up and look around and find oneself in the same position one was 8 long years ago. The same words reverberating in ones ears, the same fears making us have sleepless nights.

And yet...

Even those closer to God than you will disappoint. He went off on his journeys to visit spiritual friends, and never thought to take me. And I never had expectations, but I suppose the fact he said in the very end that it had been a possibility is what was so humbling, and so disappointing.

The God I have faith in doesn't play games, but human egos play those games.

Nonetheless, that conversation, alongwith the driving and the love, healed something that had been sucking my energy dry. It was another one of those awful entities, and trust me, I am so fed up of having to deal with them and remove them, and them coming back, and removing them yet again.

Whether I pick them up in these heaving cities of murkiness and energy leeching, or if I take them on from individuals when I empathise with them, it has not served me well. They attach to my throat, and i cannot express myself, they attach to my mind, and I think ugly thoughts.

I felt more like myself after the healing, It was very strong, and I was reeling with dizziness for a long time afterwards, but still stuck as a guest in someone else's Pakistani home, and therefore having to respond "normally" like others, instead of the lost, wandering, gypsy like soul that I house.

The one who could see me most was my mirror, and even he surprised me with his repressive and limited programming that he is still to question and address.

The masculine, Pakistani, Muslim programming that feels no qualms about two women being married to the same man AND sharing the same room. The programming that personalises historical and spiritual events, and thinks that prayers to remove blessings from the entire lineage of certain dark characters in Shi'a history is justified, and in the same breath prays for Palestine, Syria, and wants to heal the world.

The programming that somehow tells me to wear a headscarf, and that somehow that will aid me in my quest for liberation and a state of utter oneness with God.

Gender is truly a concept.

We came to make this damned planet into one whereby females are no longer harmed or controlled by masculine energy.

The wedding was probably the most normal human thing I have done in a long time. it would have been lovely, had it not also been such an empty experience for me. Just the wedding reception. A bunch of people in a room, waxed and painted and seated. No real introductions made, and I felt a bit nauseated and uncomfortable with having to make conversation with people who were not comfortable with my energy. I didn't know what to do with those encounters, and they left me feeling as though I had two left feet.

But that red velvet cake was good!

As was this kickass song I discovered at the mehendi




I know, the lyrics are demeaining, as is the really unimaginative video. I like the tune. It's good for Zumba workouts :p

And I come home from Canada with a buzz, only to find out that I was criticised behind my back by people who were sweet to my face - and about the most petty of matters. Showering for too long, and blatant lies about my not washing dishes enough - this is the extent that some people see me as. An unreliable dishwasher. Not as an invited, honoured guest in the house (alongside 13 other people), or a loved, treasured niece. If I ever felt like a second cousin, it was in that house.

At the end of it, once I process the hurt my ego feels, I will accept that we don't have to be likeable to the majority of people. And we will be lied to, and betrayed by people who will be the most loving people to others. Something in us triggers off that darkness.

When this happens often enough, and in my experience, it always has, it is better to be alone in this case.

Rule 6, 40 Rules of Love by Shems Tebrizi

Loneliness and solitude are two different things. When you are lonely, it is easy to delude yourself into believing that you are on the right path. Solitude is better for us, as it means being alone without feeling lonely. But eventually it is the best to find a person who will be your mirror. Remember only in another person’s heart can you truly see yourself and the presence of God within you.

And my mirrors have all gone off, becoming memories of the past.And I will no longer carry the past upon my shoulders like a huge burden.

It was what it was. I did what I did, they said what they said.

My delusions are continuously blown up in my face, until I surrender to Thee.

And not have any false beliefs or delusions about my fellow humans, and their capacity for unconditional love. We all are still clearing our muck.

It looks really ugly, and I'm going through the motions due to lack of any other choices at this time.

And yet, when the joy hits, I become One with Self and with Thee

Twin Flame Forecast 29th May - 4th June "The Great Awakening" | Curated Post

http://www.twinflames1111.com/blog/weekly-energy-update/29th-may-4th-june/

Seems as though I'm not allowed to copy and paste the article here, sadly. So kindly click directly to the link to the article written by Cassady Cayne. It seems to resonate a lot with what's going on with a few people I have spoken to. Because it seems so amazing to see it happen in front of my eyes, I am posting the article here in case it resonates with other people.

We weren't crazy, the paradigm is shifting, the heart is opening.

Second wave, I don't think I met any of them, however I was one of them who went "online" last year, very late last year, December 2016.

Now it is time for a new wave of people to awaken.

Because you can see what state the world is in, and how many people need us to be awakening in order to be of any use. Now the poor fish in the ocean are swallowing plastic from microfibers, and being burned by the Fukushima nuclear waste.

It is a huge challenge, yet we each chose our challenges knowing we would succeed.

God is there, Love is there, eternal and unconditional.

For ourselves, first of all. For everyone, at some point. The heart has to become this generous to counteract all the separation that has been engineered for far too long, and I realise I was a bit gullible and fell for it all.

Never again!

I myself am going through a complete rewiring and deprogramming. I am dazed most of the time, and have fallen a bit unwell as a result. It has been so challenging in the last month, and also having so few people who would understand, or even empathise!

The past is being destroyed, and with that a lot of old relationships that were not good for me in any way. I leaked a lot of energy out, without realising it. It is a sign of growing up, finally.

The end is good, I am sure. Everything that has happened up until now, has also been good.

Peace out x

Her gün biliyorum, şimdi bilmiyorum...

Usually, my ego knows everything. Over countless discussions with the few selected by my soul whom are my spiritual sailors, as well as the videos by Matt Kahn and also other healers, it seems that my ego is another term for the unfulfilled child who hasn't grown up, or fully healed.

We were conjugating the present continuous tense in my Turkish class last week. I had observed that ever since the new term began in a new college, I had found it difficult (as I usually do) to gel with my classmates. They are all quite prosperous professionals, and I felt a bit intimidated and shy due to all of the energetic and emotional and financial and familial fluctuations that permeate my life, even in 2017.

I am a very loving soul, yet my default has been to close my heart the moment it experiences pain, so that the rest of me is protected.

The downfall of this habit is, as is the case with many people I encounter daily in the streets and shops of London, is the heart is closed. I stop relating to my soul, my self, to others and the world becomes faded, and appears unfriendly and life feels hard.

So, it seems that, no matter what books I read or articles or healings, I still am learning how to do the basics.

How to love, how to relate to the world, how to respond when a dear friend and I no longer can communicate on a basic human level, when misunderstandings prevail, when i isolate myself from my nieces and nephews for 8 months and not feel anything, when I am unable to attend the important energy healings I wanted to the last few months due to being aware again of my financial situation that asks for prudence and essentials only.

When my heart closes, I can't experience the joys of smiling at strangers. For a few months, I was unable to look people in the eyes again because of the intensity of my intuition picking up on things, mostly their heavy energies or thought forms that were eager to latch onto me due to my poor boundaries.

Therefore, every day I know, now I do not know...

My Turkish teacher said, Oh Sukaina, don't say that (she is aware of my health condition for my educational purposes)! I said jokingly, but the point is I must know something, because I conjugated that sentence perfectly!

Do Not Weep For The World

My cousin is visiting our aunt. He is originally from Texas, and now is a student at the seminary in Qom, Iran. Although similar in some aspects to his eldest brother, he also is unique in his own way. We haven't seen each other since I was fifteen and he was nine, in Karachi where we both lived.

I have been observing how, when I meet people from my family, my interaction and how I think and behave fall back to how I was before I shed the programming. As though I feel that would be the only way I could fit in or relate to them.

I have said things or done things and have been so shocked at my behaviour, which I find to be less then my ideal self., things I thought I had addressed years ago, but evidently I haven't.

I would attribute it to the intense fever and viral like condition I've been having for the past week, which has wiped out my energy and slowed me down.

I did the Shamanic Medicine Wheel introduction on Sunday, a womb blessing and womb healing on Tuesday and four hours of Havening, NLP, and hypnosis on Thursday. The Thursday session was far more intense and effective than I ever expected, which is progress for me, since usually I have expected the world and received nothing from other healings.

But it is one thing to remain stressed and wiped out, and another thing to not address them.

Going back to my cousins, they are of the rare breed of souls I have recently encountered with pure souls, working to purify them further... And who are intelligent, and also grounded. And also family.

Yet. Still. There are barriers, and I will mention what I feel these barriers are. These very barriers have been accepted by me until 7 years ago, when I realised they were useful for other souls on other paths, but were never meant for me.

It has been the case that the breed of Muslim born men I have chosen on a soul level to have karmic relationships, family ties, or something important to learn from, have not been the easy going, charismatic, free yet intensely spiritual people my ego would like to be around.

For a long time, I assumed those types of men didn't exist. They do. Just listen to the music of Outlandish, or watch certain films, or look at what the people in Canada and the US are producing.

Young, talented, confident men who are also spiritual and making a difference in the world.

They exist. My not having met them is due to my frequency not matching with that high frequency as yet, and it is something that needs to be acknowledged.

Forty Rules Of Love 

I had met an intriguing Turkish man called Buğra when I had ventured on my solitary travels to Konya in 2015.

I was entirely taken by him from the moment I met him. His entire being shine with this ethereal light and he was so handsome, with a brunette beard and deep piercing green eyes, clear skin, white teeth and an unabashed, welcoming smile. And perfect English.

He taught me a few Turkish phrases, and, most importantly, he introduced me to Shems Tabrizi and his work "The Forty Rules of Love".



We actually sat down one evening in the cafe, and he served me apple tea, he drank his kahve türkmen, sat and proceeded to read aloud to me the rules, one by one. It was a very surreal experience for me.

On the one hand, these are the experiences I craved to experience, but the many obstacles in my mind refused to let me relax and be myself.

It was around midnight by the time we got to rule number eleven, because I was activating my soul through each of the rules, and so we took it slowly - then I said I needed to go to sleep.

There was something erratic about his behaviour, which I attributed later to the rakı and the weed he and his friends partook of regularly.

I wanted to trust him, but I couldn't. I realised he had wanted to make love to me that night, which might have been exciting to me, but of course, me being the very shy, depressed, intense, introverted person I am, I wouldn't have been able to have done so with someone who was a stranger and didn't have any ambitions or a job. And, later on, our mutual friend told me that Turkish men just like variety, and sleep with as many women as they can convince to sleep with them. That made me feel better about the "missed opportunity" due to reserve and shyness. I'm not the kind of soul who deserves the type of treatment of being "conquest number 77, slept with Pakistani chick, check".

So, he wasn't born a Muslim, and that was to his credit. He didn't have the hang ups that the decent Muslim guys have. He had been called towards Sufi ways, hence why he had travelled to Konya from Istanbul. But, he also was so in his own world, when I tried to keep in touch with him when I got back to London, it just didn't work.

I hope I can either find him and we can become friends for real, or else I find others with that intense spiritual energy, but it is more functional.

This reminds me, I actually owe him at least 20 TL which I somehow forgot to give to him when he dropped me to the airport. He tried to teach me how to smoke, and I just couldn't due to fear. Apparently, there is a technique of sucking or drinking in the smoke that I couldn't master in 15 minutes.

On the other hand, the decent Muslim men who seem somewhat less fragmented, refuse to maintain communication.

It started with the first man I ever loved romantically, in 2010. He married his soul mate in 2012 and refuses to keep in touch, because apparently I am the one who needs to be aware that if the positions were reversed, I wouldn't like it if my husband was friends with his ex.

Really. I see. So the entire planet has people who became friends first and remained friends after and I'm the only one who somehow would not be able to follow the protocols. I have a friend I turn to for advice, and she somehow feels the same, that it is not ideal to be friends with people you have loved romantically. I disagree, I feel I would mature so much if I was the person who would allow her lover or husband to remain connected, and that is the type of person I wish to be. The fact that I haven't had any relationship to test my willingness to be that person, is a moot point. I would also like to be seen as a PERSON and not some vixen with ulterior or subconscious motives.

I am only going to end up with an awakening man who is really aware of the fact he is a starseed. Anyone else who isn't awake, can go find someone else because it never works. That has been the case with all of the men I have loved up until this point, because they were karmics and I needed to learn a lot of learnings, such as self love and that just because they don't love me, it doesn't invalidate the truth and divinity of my love and affection for THEM.

Because, that is simply who I am. A lover.

So, even though I am suffering from lack of his wisdom, insight, friendship, love and intuition, and I am sure I would only contribute positively to his life, because that is how much love I have to give the planet now I have cured myself of the myth that twin flames exist (unless you count Turkish and Latino music), due to his limited perspective, fed by doubtful traditions and his understanding that I can only love him romantically, and not like a sister or friend, we don't speak and, therefore, neither of us is gaining a clearer understanding of God and of ourselves through that unique (potential) friendship. He's being a bit selfish, because I want to ask him how to become financially independent, since he is doing so well with it. But he just will NOT allow me a space in his life, even as a friend.

And this is when the wandering humbled mystic, the one who is in training to be one with God, submits to this fact. And lets it go.

It was the same with the second man I fell in love with, before he told me he was married. Idiot took three months of mutual flirting before he thought to tell me that he was married with a 6 year old child.

And now, I left my job for other reasons and, where he used to respond kindly and normally to my texts and Coke Studio videos I'd send him, there is now no response from him either. I thought he was more mature and put together than my ex, but I think it is more out of respect for his wife, who lost the plot when she found out we were friends.

And so, I lost another friend with whom I would speak about God, religion, politics, life, hope, music, everything I could.

He treated me like family, like a sister. He fed me, and no other man has been so generous with me with his time, his advice, his jokes and his food - now, we know how food is a big thing for men. Pizza, tiger bread, fries, donuts, muffins.... it was a yeasty affair, but nonetheless, in this case, the carbs were a sign of love and from God that, actually, contrary to Manu's saying I was as repellent as Marmite, someone else wasn't so scared of my love and welcomed it, even if I was a distraction from his less than ideal marital affairs. We had karma too, so it got resolved.

I know now I could never last in a relationship with him, because he isn't yet awake, he fears what it would entail. And he was very cynical and flirtatious for my liking. He "forgot" to tell me that his wife was pregnant with their second child until 6 weeks before the birth. That was harsh.

Yet, for my soul, it is a heavy burden that I have lost another beloved friend. Due to my being a woman. That's basically it.

I don't behave like a typical disempowered female. Allah has blessed me with an 11-2 and 7-7 intellect, which means I am able to call myself on my own bs, as well as calling them out on theirs.

When I talk about the love I feel for them, it is the highest form of soul love for soul family. Yet, up until now, it has only ever one sided. None of them have loved me back, not in the way a man loves a woman. They might see me as a sister, or Marmite, or someone to heal (a third person).

So, going back to my cousin. He spoke to me a little about his spiritual knowledge and learnings from Qom and Mashhad.

It is not as though I am not aware of the Islamic protocols that the religious follow, having had it reiterated until I became someone I am not and even wore the Arabian abaya for three years in the prime of my youth, because, at age 16, I assumed my mother's collapsing and going into a 14-day coma was the result of my sins.

But, I just see him as a new friend who is also blood. And I felt we would learn so much from each other.

I learned such gems from him from the hour we spoke, and then he kind of shut down.

I am unsure if it because of my welcoming manner or if he assumed I was one of "those" girls who laughs too much, even though I was honest on what my life has been for the last ten years and how my main stress is that I can't seem to find the right job for me and haven't even had a proper date.

So, he stopped talking to me. It could also be the fact that he is finding it difficult to cope with being in London, after being in a relatively higher spiritual energy in Iran.

And he will go back to Qom on Tuesday and I may not see him again and, due to the false restrictions and assumption, once again we will have deprived each other of divine knowledge and light.

How selfish, and they do not even realise it!

They feel they are following divine decree. And this is why the book laws fail to apply to starseeds and light workers.

The amount of knowledge and divine healing I have missed due to me either staying away from guys when it would have been fun to go for an ice cream and see some sights, or now that I am back in my senses, they all shy away.

My other cousin hasn't spoken to me on the phone for six months now.

On the other hand, I have a friend who can't seem to get rid of the men who are after her. She told me, they are running after me!

Once again, we have proven how karma behaves the way you have. Always.

So, I just take it as, whatever it is I seek from them, it is just a reflection of what I already know and can access inside of myself through sincere prayers, du'a, meditation and EFT healing etc.

I have started to weep some of this grief out today, which is reflective of the frustrations I feel around this repeated pattern with family, men and desi Muslims.

Arab guys I don't find as repressed. The people I met at SOAS seemed to have the right ingredients and perspectives in the right proportions. But then, again, I never spoke to anyone as such. Just observed their interactions with their friends. So, I cannot say for certain.

Let's hope that just by bringing light to this, I shift to a different experience whereby I am seen as divine light and ambassador first, and woman as the form Allah thought was best for my soul to experience.

And, if nothing else, this is a reminder that everything is something the ego can lust after.

Do not beg for pieces of the world, when

You

are such an honoured guest.

At some point, they'll put on the 72D glasses and see the subtle energies, instead of insisting on functioning in the 3D.

But, it has to be me changing my own self first. The one stubborn opinion I notice I hold onto is how they need to behave and think the way I do.

Yet, my cousins from Texas/Qom, as well as the one in north London, may have chosen different life paths than I did. They may have chosen to release certain limitations, but still remain devout Muslims and see females as a temptation, or that we are "aurah" and need to be hidden, or we are "jameelah" and beauty, and they just feel strongly attracted to the beauty.

I probably need to pray for a way forward to honour their beliefs and truths, at the same time me being in my power and maintaining a connection. Or else, having new people show up who are more attuned with how I feel/am and my true essence.

It's not such a big deal! And yet, it is!

And, I probably need to focus on healing the skin condition on my face today, so I can go out in public, and on the tube without people staring at the galactic swamp thing!

They used to stare because of the divine light, but now it's the bleeding cuts around my lips and neck that catch their attention. I wonder how much more humility I need to learn with all of the detoxing and healing the body does.

And so...

Her gün biliyorum, şimdi bilmiyorum...

Peace x

A channeled Message for Twin Flames as Venus Stations Direct | Curated Post

A channeled Message for Twin Flames as Venus Stations Direct

http://twinstrology.com/channeled-message-twin-flames-venus-stations-direct/

 

Venus Retrograde 2017 is a transit that you will likely remember for a long time. It’s been a rough few weeks of taking a serious look at our past relationships. Venus official moves forward tomorrow but today she is stopped in the sky, conjunct Chiron, trine Vesta and square Saturn, who is also at a standstill. This is making the energy intense to say the very least. As Venus/Chiron squares Saturn, you are seeing the soul wounds you have been carrying through many incarnations. They are coming to the surface and being broken down.

This energy is empowering sacred union with your twin flame and yet, the energy can feel like anything BUT that. Are you feeling a complete disconnection from your twin and your union? Perhaps a lack of emotions? Are you being pushed to focus on yourself rather than them?

This has a reason behind it. One of the gifts of sacred union is the enhancement of creative abilities. In sacred union, the masculine and feminine reach balance and this allows manifestation, or creative abilities, to become much more rapid. With this increased ability also comes increased responsibility. If you are being given the ability to create your reality, what is it you are creating? Vesta is assisting all of you with this part as she brings the energy of purification, including purification of our motives, as well as dedication to mission.

Sacred union is going to manifest from within you. If you are still giving your power away to external forces you aren’t ready for this phase of union. The disconnection will show you that you CAN move forward alone. Giving your power away to your twin is still giving your power away. That has ended.
Many twins are in the process of moving up into another aspect of themselves or embodying more of their Christ-consciousness. Very fitting considering Christians are celebrating the death and resurrection of Christ around the world at this time. Again, you need to be in this higher-consciousness to use your creative energy responsibly.

Going through the process of this embodiment is like having your foundation collapse. Things are being rearranged. It’s chaotic energy. It’s a complete letting go of everything so that the new can be formed. To me, it feels like being in a void. You may have experienced this letting go in many areas of your life over this retrograde period; emotionally, physically, mentally. You are opening yourself to the new timelines that are being birthed with Venus, Saturn and Chiron.

I am being shown that the solar plexus chakra is key right now. Twin flames are experiencing a rebalancing of this chakra, which is our power-center. Some may have experienced physical symptoms as this chakra was activated at some point during the retrograde and likely it was in conjunction with your twin’s energy, meaning your twin was feeling it, too.

When the solar plexus is blocked, we embody some of the negative traits associated with the feminine energy. We have low self-esteem. We can become over-emotional. There is difficulty setting boundaries and suffering from co-dependency. Passivity can be an issue. We play the victim or become martyrs. We feel depressed and alone.

When the solar plexus is overactive, there is a tendency to associate with negative traits of the divine masculine. There is a tendency to control or to dominate others. To be very judgmental. We become very rigid. Nothing is ever good enough. We feel like we know it all. When the solar plexus is blocked, we are too open but when it is overactive, we are not open enough.

When your solar plexus is healthy, you are self-confident, empowered and responsible. You are in control of your emotions and thoughts, which allows your inner guidance to come through. You love yourself while being able to honor others. When challenges come up, you are able to meet them. You know when to take action. The opinions of others do not control you. Goodbye co-dependency! You can remain calm in the face of adversity. People are drawn to you because you are open and understanding without being a pushover.

You can see how being balanced in the solar plexus is an important step in balancing your energy and coming into sacred union. That is why this is happening now. It’s leading you to that place of responsibility that is necessary for your manifestation.

This is allowing twin flames to feel comfortable in that place of complete letting go and opening to new opportunities. You feel safe enough to allow your new self to be born. When the time comes for action, you will be ready and able to move forward. If things begin to manifest that you don’t understand, and this is going to happen, you won’t become a slave to your emotions.

Trust in this process now, beloveds. Take this time for yourself. It will keep you balanced through your transformation. Whatever is happening, your soul is in charge. New energy is here for the taking. Your creative powers have never been stronger. The new cannot come in if there is no room for it so do not hold on to the old that wants to fall away. Like the trapeze artist, you must let go and spring towards the next bar, allowing yourself to be in that gap for a split second.

Saturn is still on the Sabian symbol, “A splendidly built bridge, a heritage of unknown ages, still spans the beautiful and wildly primitive stream.” That primitive stream represents the chaotic creative force. The bridge is joining the old and the new. You are in the center of that bridge right now.

Technically, you are in neither place. Which way will you go? Back towards the old ways? Or will you step forward into the new? That which has never been before?

And do you feel safe enough within yourself now to walk that bridge alone? You must choose for yourself and your twin must choose for themselves. The choice will be made individually yet always knowing you are one. You will not fully know the others choice until you begin to move forward in your own decision. You are balanced. You are strong. Step towards your destiny.

Channeled by Marla Kelly, Intuitive Astrologer @ Twinstrology.com
April 14, 2017
http://www.twinstrology.com

Without needing to justify the act of writing

And then there came a point in the life of my life when I asked myself, what happens when you truly have lost your craft? When it feels like that was the most previous thing you owned or made an identity around that the universe asked you to give away in order for peace to reclaim itself inside your cells? Or something as fancy as that.

I celebrated an anniversary yesterday. Seven years of the prodigal daughter returning to Anglo-Saxon ground in order to conquer and heal an entire planet. In layman's terms, I returned to the UK with full intentions of qualifying as a counsellor and something else random. What was not on the original flight plan was the entire "waking up and becoming divine" section.

No one was notified of this anniversary. I felt had I mentioned it to anyone, I would not be able to maintain their questions online (as, currently, there is no one to maintain a gaze with. Yet another sentence I write and wish I was back in the 90s with those enormous Mac computers and hideous green computer screens. As a generation, we grew up way to fast - now we all are facing the facts about chem trails, thousands of dead salmon washing up on the shores of Southern Chile and false flag media stories.).

It is truly unsafe now for anyone of my generation to indulge in nostalgia or nostalgic stories of the past. They were all mental constructs. Our DNA was a lot denser then than it is now, therefore life didn't feel as heavy - but that never means it wasn't that heavy.

I can't seen any justification for me to continue to believe something about the Soul Plan Contracts, about my solely being a writer. What can a writer do but write?

This planet needs real action. Energies removed and energies revived.

Someone was having a clear out yesterday (I was helping with the clearing out) and gifted me a sizeable pile of unused writing paper, including two legal pads.

My writing had a different tone to it when in medium yellow background. I just wrote and wrote, without the fear and the constriction I have been feeling for a very long time.

Yet writing can only do so much and I have now realised that my soul signed up for more active role in soothing this planet.

Opinion is free, but let's not make it cheap.

You learn to read and write and somehow feel that society and human civilization will evolve even further. Yet something in me refuses to go to that next stage when my young child in Syria has just been gassed with some awful unknown chemicals. How can anyone not see?

The relatively superficial talk and discussions I have overheard or taken part in over the last few years are now beginning to come back up at the back of my throat.

Every day I waste looking for another cupboard cut-out job, meant for the candidate to fit the job and smooth over the rough, unique, human, divine edges of their being when necessary, is another day a child starves, an animal is killed for meat, people are beaten up in India BECAUSE an animal is killed for meat, and the insane policies are continues and everything that was originally designed to benefit humanity, including this very computer I am typing at, has now all turned against us because we are empowering ourselves.

Every time I sense a hit of my own power back, either I or something external does all it can to destroy it.

You can't really talk about this things yet in large circles to people who would understand. Understanding, we all have, I stand corrected. But the depths of the concern for this planet is increasing every day. I can't sleep well, I can't relax enough 

There is a divine reason why my blog is seriously under the radar and I don't really invest enough time or energy into it.

I do have a remaining trace of seemingly real fear of the consequences of speaking up to boldly and too loudly.

And secondly, actions are what this bleeding and totally molested planet needs.

I can write many poems or angry posts, but nothing I write will stop the Fukushima nuclear really affecting us. The children, the poor, the.... at times like these, I really must learn to breathe deeply.

It's worse than the worse horror flick. It's REAL. So in relief, in harsh relief, all the superficial advertisements that encourage us to consume, or celebrate National Hat Day (seriously, have we devolved to this - a National Day for things to somehow regulate our emotions and obedience levels - to ascertain citizenship, which - how many times does this need to be repeated - is an entirely human man-made construct that means jack all. I've had British citizenship all my life and am still being regularly screwed over by our darling insane politicos. They have some emotional or mental health issues - no regular person would ever pass laws and regulations that they have to harm the entire population of humans and chop us at our knees so we have to fight so much harder to get to highest potential levels. It should never have been this challenging to get to where you wish to in 2017 - and that child pedophilia and sex trafficking is really happening and not a top priority - a flipping trident nuclear war system has priority over everything sane and humane. And this why I can't keep genuine hundred per cent respect for people who are in charge of charities yet grovel towards the establishment - something is amiss when you do that.

Dignity of the human soul and divine spark is paramount in our lives and it is TIME we woke up to that simple truth.).

When I started waking up 7 years ago, I was full of zeal because it was new and I assumed it also promised me a breakthrough that I needed and didn't get when I had gone on spiritual pilgrimage to Iran in 2007.

In 2017, the illusion that 2012 or 2016 would bring relief is gone. It won't happen in my lifetime.

I am unsure how a planet would sustain itself having being so severely raped, poisoned and disrespected.

When we look at it from the slightly pessimistic lens I have been seeing things, it seems fair to say I believe in an overarching being who is omnipotent and therefore has powers to click re-set or destroy and rebirth.

There are now perhaps too many voices and egos grappling for various resources that may actually turn out to be finite. Miracles abound but if the human race still insists on being in grunt mode (grunt mode being not waking up and living life in a two-dimensional egoic state, just as a five year old would behave perpetually), I honestly don't understand how Gaia can continue to take all the beating and still feel dignified.

Of course, that is why I am here and why a lot of us are here and went through a lot of stuff in order to wake up. being woke is not pleasant. I told my father that a day ago when I showed him the chem trails and he began mocking me with his laughter that sometimes sounds terrifyingly canned.

I promise you, none of us will ever get so bored that we invent lies and conspiracy theories to keep ourselves entertained. Most of us still wish that the planet just contained light and fluffy cotton candy. Chem trails? I'd never be able to dream of that stuff in a million years. Yet, someone did. I have had some thoughts that I probably picked from the collective unconscious and those are better dissolved. Not pleasant. Not even not acted upon in history.

Some days, I wish I was still unawake. I might relax and not have the quite constant panic episodes on the London underground. They kick up worse when unsettled people clamber onto the tube with all their content and expect me to sort it out energetically.

I have just gotten fed up of that and leave my seat and many times the train carriage and have waited for the next train.

It is also deeply disheartening to think that after seven years of promises and eloquently written articles about critical mass and first wave and second wave people, we still have so many people who are unawake.

I still don't meet people in my daily life to whom I can speak to, people who would become my allies and my vision community.

All the light workers I know are going through immense personal issues, not very pleasant and seem to enjoy being lone rangers or led like sheep by those flashy gurus who give you wrist bands to wear as yet another sign of branding.

So, for now, writing will need to be not as important as waking up and taking action.

Our waters are being polluted. Does that not make you feel sad? People at Standing Rock were entirely humiliated for wanting clean drinking water. Do we not see what's happening?

Water.

Our food is being poisoned and manipulated beyond belief? Does that not make you question? The honey bee is going to become extinct. They are dying. How is this even happening?

Vulnerable people are being told they can't have tax money for food and medicines, yet Amazon and Costa Coffee and all the big companies DO NOT PAY TAXES in the UK and ARE STILL being REWARDED for that? Does that not even make you flinch?

HSBC. Enough said.

Animals are being maimed, tortured, killed for meat and fur, for being a boy if it is a baby chick.... since when did we forget that animals are a part of us, a part of our souls?

The UK still has a redundant monarchy that perpetuates itself by painting itself as fluffy and benign. Why do we not see what's going on? I hope Diana Spencer and Modi al Fayed didn't both get assassinated in vain.

We do not need all of the flashy stuff, not when my brother is dying in Somalia in a famine and the only one with a heart is a basketball player who is being humiliated for being true and down to earth. But you see, at the end of the day, he is the one flying 50 tonnes of food to Somalia.

A friend of mine asked me recently how is it that all the New Age articles and books seem to still focus on the fluffy stuff, not talk about what real spiritual journeys are about? They are dark beyond belief and calling it a dark night of the soul doesn't put meat onto things.

She and I came up with the theory that the authors a) haven't really gone through the darkness like we are going through b) they have gone through it but either wanted to forget about it or didn't know how to help others through it so remained silent and c) are heavily guided and edited by publishing companies, including Watkins. There's also this inherent obsession with keeping positive and not manifesting crap through thoughts and words.

She also feels that because there are many younger souls waking up, the authors and teachers don't want to scare them off by telling them all the dark stuff is real and that every soul that dies before it's biological death will have to taste the darkness of the Shadow! I agree. It's intense and makes you question your entire reasons for being.

But today, whether it was due to the yellow legal pads or my having shamanic cord removals last week, I wrote and I wrote.

Without needing to justify the act of writing.

And I yearn for the day I can just be the writer and everyone is sorted. Not having to justify my yearning for putting magical words to paper and seeing them ignite a soul in a way I had not anticipated.

But, not now.

Now, we are activists and we bloody act in the name of what is decent and honourable. We stick it out. We get the strength from wherever we possibly can.

For they underestimate the human spirit. Or rather, the divine that resides within each of us.

We all have free will and most of us will choose to continue being asleep and never waking up. There are myriad reasons for why a soul would choose that actively on a daily basis. One of the simple truths is that becoming awake ain't for sissies. And so the younger souls are buffered with delicate veils of illusions to play around in until such a time when they are strong enough to bear different planes of reality.

I know I am one of them and have 
         accepted this 

as it brings me towards humility and 

               whilst prostrating 
                                     at the dust of my Beloved's feet, 
                                                                             I find great heights