It's Not Him I Lost - It's Me I Lost When He Left

I never thought it would take me this long to get over the man whom I count as my first love.

The interesting fact about human beings is that we can be highly intelligent and even intellectually superior on so many levels about our personal lives. We try to use our rational logic as much as we can in order to survive in this world. After all, this is all I've been taught in the western educational and training system. Of course, I am now waking up to the fact that we are now making way for emotional andspiritual intelligence. We are recognising that our empathy and our creativity will probably allow us to survive somehow the catastrophic events that we are witnessing daily.

Yet, when it comes to the most soul baring, identity stripping experiences, where does the logic even decide to come in? It arrives and stands besides you, as you agonise and ooze out all sorts of illogical emotions and cuss at the object of your desire when he rejects you.

Yes, I never met the guy in the flesh. So what? I never thought this would happen, falling in love with typed words and photographs on a computer screen. I don't plan on writing an entire novel about it. It's a non-event.

"You fell in love with someone you never met. Ahhhhhh, yes."

I met him online in August 2010 and it only seems that now after writing him two final emails in the last few weeks and my receiving two back (it is a huge reality check for me as to how fundamentally he has changed inside of himself in the last year to be that quick and civil in responding to me). I have real closure. Trouble is, I still never find the inner courage to open up his emails as soon as I see them in my inbox. They always shimmer with his light, his love and his energy and it makes me weep. I still need to build up courage to open them up a few days later.

Once, I remember, it took me two weeks before I somehow was in a neutral space to read his message to me.

I get images flashing through my mind about all the fun he is having with his partner. They travel the world, you see. Business class, you see. Cycling in the lavender fields of Marseilles and snorkeling in the clear turquoise seas somewhere nameless in the world. I HAD asked him where the photos were taken, but he was being his usual secretive self and never answered me that. So I'm guessing the Bahamas or Dominican Republic. The ocean was so clear that his dark, silky hair had made a soft crown all around his head.

My heart softens whenever I think of him and then the grief pours out in tears. For six entire years I have cried over my loss: over what I see as a stolen opportunity, as my never been given a chance to show my light and love in a relationship with someone I actually connected with so deeply.

The tears never seem to want to dry up. Neutrality and even indifference I have prayed for, yet this gullible, softening heart just cannot seem to understand those different opposite states of being.

What really hit my ego, identity or pride was what he wrote in his final email to me last week, "I never thought I would find someone perfect for me, until I met my Mrs."

It really pained me, and I started getting the thoughts back in my head about how ridiculous I was being and about how I was never good enough. To him, he was just stating the facts. For me, it seemed to say a lot about me and my flaws than it did about him and his life.

After a week, I am slightly more settled in my being. Only slightly. I still am weeping massive tears during adho mukha svasana (downward dog pose) in my yoga. To the point, the mat becomes slippery because it's so wet.

What I have never, ever understood is HOW on EARTH did I fall for someone so hard and deeply, when even I was fully aware we were not at all compatible? He is handsome and has very beautiful, expressive dark brown eyes, but so do a lot of men! His lifestyle is what I label as active, rushed, swanky and luxurious. He wears tuxedos to formal events and when I saw that photo of him at a wedding, something inside of me shuddered. It spoke of conformity and I have been doing my best to break free of that level of artifice in my own self.

I am more of a hippie, constantly seeking inner and thereafter outer freedom. So I eat simply and mostly vegetarian food sitting on the floor. I am constantly seeking my purpose and a way to make my own mark upon the world. I love to travel, we do have that in common. I'd be happy in a Buddhist temple meditating and learning or on a yoga retreat on a delicous beach, he would be trekking or touring somewhere. I also have had certain health issues that have limited my activities and ambitions for the last few years.

He never understood that, and wasn't prepared to take it on as part of his day to day life. I entirely agreed with that, but I never realised it would take me 6 years to recover and even then, not entirely.

Memories we keep in a box

And I asked myself today, "Really, Sukaina, you knew then as you know now that you guys would never be able to be together as partners. All the intense emotions, the complete blankness and inner excavation of your heart and gut that overtook you from 2010 to 2013 - yes, they all happened. He was oblivious to all of it, and had gotten married to his girlfriend by then.

So what is the real issue here? Why are you still crying over a phantom?"

I had even hit myself on the head with a blunt object until I bled when I found out he had gotten married and never even thought it would be kind to let me know when he had proposed to her. So that this stubborn and ignorant heart would stop loving him and praying for him to come back to me, to give me a chance to at least speak to him and meet him.

But what we must always hold clear is that this human existence is one that can be extremely trying to us and very confusing. What people do in one frame of mind is possibly their only recourse at the time.

We must let people go to the extremes of what is considered appropriate behaviour at times. Even and especially ourselves, as judgement doesn't suit the expansion and growth of the soul. So what was needed at the time for my growth as a person is no longer required.

At the time, to me he was the perfect person for me. I had never met anyone like him, with whom I could have a proper intelligent conversation. When we spoke, the air sizzled. My heart would beat very quickly, to the point it would physically hurt and cause breathlessness.


But that was then, in 2014. If we put aside the fact that I am yet to find someone with whom I had such a close connection with and if we put aside my current living circumstances that seem to close down on my desire to experience life as I'd like to, what is really going on here?

Why do I feel so lost, as though a part of me will never be replaced unless he is in my life somehow, in any limited capacity?

And softly, my heart responded.

"You miss yourself, not him. You lost yourself when you met him."

Mosaic of my psyche

I cannot argue with that. I just cannot.

I remember clearly that after he wrote me a few abrupt texts and decided I wasn't worth any more investment of time and energy, that version of me began dying a slow painful death.

Time slowed down and my mental functions slowed down as well. My body began hurting. I couldn't sleep at night. I kept weeping and scenes of my being run over by cars played in my mind constantly, especially when I was walking down the street. I stopped reading the books I had been reading and I stopped drawing mandalas. I still haven't drawn a mandala in six years, whereas before meeting him I drew them very frequently to help me calm my manic mind and the anxieties.

Courtesy Emmanuel Dagher

The person I was when I first met him and interacted with him is not the person I am now. She was naive and gullible as hell, and very sweet and childish. Extremely introverted, she lived her entire life through her imagination, books and film. She had complicated emotional issues as well and was still very disassociated from her entire body and being.

She didn't know how to interact with a man in a romantic capacity, since he was the first person to ever show serious interest and she had had a very sheltered upbringing. She was so shy, she told him to wait for a month before they spoke on the phone. And when they spoke, she had become so angry at him because he wasn't replying to her texts as frequently as she would have liked that he hung up on her after five minutes.

The words wouldn't formulate in her mouth. She felt intimidated and scared by him as a result of the intensity of the attraction. It was an effort to pretend to be a regular human being in front of him, when her entire body and mind had fallen in upon themselves.

It was around the time she met him that her dark night of the soul began, and everything fell apart. I mean, everything. No interests, no life goals, little sleep, little confidence, and the two things she prided herself on: her intelligence and her writing, they all dwindled into nothingness.

She stopped writing, the words wouldn't formulate... and she stopped making sense.

She cried a lot, and sought solace in New Age spirituality. She went to healing workshops which focussed on clearing past life contracts and relationships and learned that 80% of the energy, beliefs and thoughts in her energy field and pores were not even hers. She learned about epigenetic research, spiritual cords and how when you are obsessed by someone, it is because of the unhealthy cording in your solar plexus and that the cording is hooked into a core belief that needs healing.

She became even more of an alien to herself.

Her parents couldn't make sense of the new version of her she was becoming and attacked through their words and actions. He friends stayed as long as they could until something about her heaviness put them off so much, they left as well.

The funny thing is, she could see all of this as clear as day. And just couldn't shift it.

Black dog, Winston Churchill used to call it. I called mine Barney, so as to make him ridiculous. I couldn't laugh at it much. Still can't, to be honest.

That was then. She survived the cold, empty, loud nights by buying a battery operated Alan Titchmarsh second hand radio from a local knick knack shop and listening to the inane conversations on Absolute Radio. The crazy radio presenters really saved her life some nights. They would say something so obscure and ridiculous that she would chuckle into her tear soaked pillow and then be able to sleep.

She would look in the mirror as she forced herself to brush her teeth and just didn't know who was looking back at her.

Was it him?

Was it her?

His voice reverberated in her head, the phrases, the fonts, the laughter... there had been one good conversation. A few very fun and loving online conversations on social media.
 
His eyes blazed into hers when she closed them at night and she felt her heart sinking and leaking all over again.

She began overeating and developed a sugar addiction that only recently was diagnosed.

On the bright side, she came across dozens of very creative and healing sad Bollywood and Pakistani Coke Studio songs such as Chayi Hai Tanhai, Paimana Bideh and Neun La Leya to reflect the pain and disintegration of her being. More recently, the first Alan Walker song, Faded and Umer Farooq's haunting Keh Na were discovered and soothed her aching soul.

This was all then.

"So, my question again, Sukaina, is why are the tears leaking now, just as forcefully and passionately as they did then? 

Have the wounds not yet healed? 
Did you re-attach a negative cord back to him out of habit? 
Do you have toxic, nuclear levels of karma that just won't be cleared through your prayers and acts of service?

What is it? God, why does the pain not stop? He is just a MAN!

You know he is not a twin flame. We changed the fabric of the universe and entered a parallel universe whereby he is a soul like all the others you have no link with, to the point you will become indifferent to him. Forget him entirely.

We entered a universe whereby you are back on form with all the advocacy and changes you are to bring to people's lives, in the form that is best for everyone involved. Maybe kids, maybe refugees, and all to do with mental health and consciousness and clearing obstacles to expression. Definitely to do with art, music, writing and creativity to a level you've never experienced before.

So, what's up? Why the tears and the devastation in the heart? Why recreate the exact same feelings and regrets you had six years ago? You have all the pink, green and black crystals you possibly could to heal the heart and clear the cords! You even have the flower remedies to ensure you never repeat the same mistakes! You even became a bona fide SHAMAN to ensure you could walk your own sacred feminine path to God, and let go of the attachments to this world.

You prayed for relief at the sacred tomb of Jelaluddin Rumi in Konya, Turkey. And in the Valley of Kings in Luxor, Egypt. (Okay, well I prayed in the swanky hotel I was staying at the spiritual retreat at - we did past clearings then - well, so we said!)

Surely your ego isn't still so massive that you would even entertain the thought that he loved you at some point? Or that you guys had a chance and were somehow sabotaged? Or that him being with the woman of his dreams is somehow an insult to you, since you have had less than ideal experiences with men since him?"

The answer is always so simple.

We have the layers of karmic explanations, and the karmic debt 16/7 explanations and the Atlantis and Lemuria explanations... and then there is the practical explanation.


I lost myself when he left. Not BECAUSE he left.

I had lost perhaps 50% of myself before I had met him, then lost another 30% after meeting him and him leaving.... and my connection with my Creator became fragmented.

It still is, which is why he has such an impact upon me. When you make an intimate connection with a person or circumstance that interferes with your God connection, drama ensues.

I still don't read any fiction, which I used to devour with a passion. I don't read any of the New Age books either, unless it is really important, such as looking for an affirmation. I'm reading Matt Kahn's new book Whatever Arises, Love That: A Love Revolution That Begins With You because I have to write the review of it for this blog and another online magazine, but it's taking me an absurdly long time. I just can't focus too much.

I used to play tennis at university, and stopped since then and even though I have the opportunity to play here, I don't. I go to a few musical and healing or spiritual meditation events here and there, but nothing major. I have stopped running as well!

My flame keeps petering out.... I can't really persuade myself to become passionate about anything in my personal life. In my career and professional life, I have a clearer idea about what I wish to do. I am passionate about helping people, through writing and other means. To enhance lives. To bring about peace and joy and forward progress.

My yoga practice is my mainstay, and even that I have had to cajole myself into keeping up the classes because I know how it is benefiting me on all levels.I also know what happens when I stop going for classes: the cycle repeats itself.

That is basically it.

I do not miss him any longer, there is nothing to miss. We miss memories, we regret actions - and we are in the now. After six years, even someone as nostalgic and romantic as I am has come to terms with the real world.

Maybe I was under some sort of spell I wove expertly for myself. My soul always knew that I had to encounter many illusions and that the pain in their removal will bring about my refreshed and humbled soul.

It is just the realisation that, after reclaiming all my energy back from him, I am still somewhat adrift. I still don't feel whole, that fragments of my soul and self are somewhere other than inside of me. I still don't have any real plans, any real goals, any real interests that I used to have once, or that other people have.

And it has finally dawned on me that it had nothing to do with him, after all! It really could just have been anyone. The soul lessons are learned through any person fit for the role. It's never really personal in the end.

And so my soul cries and the tears drop onto the blue yoga mat during downward dog for the years wasted in illusions so thick and strong, they felt so very real to me.

I was expecting some sort of happy ending, in the form of friendship at the very least. Instead, he makes a lame joke about us being together next lifetime, and the headache he would experience in having two wives. When I read that, I knew that he was doing his best to be kind and friendly. Yet, there was no depth of connection and no flower of acknowledgement.

I did not appreciate his sense of humour. Two wives. Yes, quite an idea, just what I had been hinting at. Not!Almost as funny as his assumption I had intended to move to Turkey for reasons more insidious than to teach TEFL.

Connection, empathy and acknowledgement: those are the things I have to make available to myself from myself.

I am getting there.

Shamanic tools for healing

There is a theory in shamanic circles that we make ourselves go through trauma, then heal it but not entirely, as within the little scar lays the core of our supreme healing powers. I prefer that perspective to the one I have been telling myself: you're weird and emotionally naive.

I pray the empathy that I have realised through this experience will emanate to everyone who is also dealing with their trauma and wounds. As of now, it hasn't quite been the case as I am the one in need of my own understanding.

I became a character in a Jane Austen novel. The most poorly written one, with social media, emotional health issues, silence, passive aggression and ghosting taking centre stage.

What now?
Who am I without this obsession that took over six years of my life?
How do I redeem myself?

I am who I am. And I most certainly am where I am.

Judgements may flow all though my veins about where I ought to be, and yet, perhaps every single part of this roller-coaster video game is pre-planned before incarnation. My free will lays in my response.

And a response of absolute devotion and gratitude to the divine is needed.

And the response seems to always be love and forgiveness, for self and others.

My ability to be authentic about my weaknesses and flaws and mistakes is a good way to break through my self-made obstacles, in a way. One cannot be a writer if one cannot be willing to expose themselves through the words on the page.

For me, it mainly is to do with feeling all emotions as equally valid, and giving myself the love I have avoided giving to myself for years.

You see, God is waiting for me to call Him my Beloved.

In the end, God has been the Patient One (as-Sabur), waiting in the wings for me to accept and acknowledge the love between the exalted Creator and His wonderful creation.

The mystics and dervishes don't go mad for no reason, they have tasted the sublimity of Divine love and nothing else can compare after that.

Be noble, for you are made of stardust...

Come, come, again,
Whoever you are, Come!
Heathen, Fire worshipper or idolatrous,
Come! Come even
If you have broken
Your penitence a hundred times,
Ours is the portal of hope
Come as you are...
Ours is not a caravan of despair

Mevlana Jelaluddin Rumi

Let us hope for that for Sukaina. I feel she has taken powerful steps towards the esteemed honour of becoming entirely annihilated and thereafter to be solely in the world and definitely not of it.

In society, but not meant to be like anyone else. In pure service to His creation.

It has been a while since I went to a temple, synagogue or church to devote to the silence. I suppose my soul would like that sort of ritual again.

The insanely simple idea of having your needs met

THE BIG REALISATION 

I finally began private psychotherapy three months ago. This was the result of my having exhausted the creativity of the local NHS mental health services, who had sent me for three different types of therapy over the previous two years.

The sessions have only recently started to positively impact my life and my making actual progress. The first few sessions were more about my venting about everything that was going on in my life that seemed chaotic and uncontrollable. In addition, I have a tendency to only have very few friends at any one time, so I needed the regularity of a weekly meeting with someone.

Slowly, with the help of reflecting back to me what I say and putting it in an overview position, I finally feel I have gotten somewhere. In the last two sessions, my therapist made me realise I was giving control away to him rather than owning my session and my time for healing. I began noticing all the thoughts that told me I needed to be the “perfect” client, a somewhat glamourised version of myself fit for one of those self deprecating, flippant films film makers make about psychotherapy.

I was playing a role. There was a part of me that had taken on the role of an intellectual discussing ideas and theories of personality in the room, that somehow I made myself not even good enough to receive proper counselling, whereby my true emotional needs (irrespective of how childish or outrageous) were explored and my deep need to be seen and heard was met fully.

Three sessions ago, I came into the session with four bags. One handbag, one fabric bag bought in Turkey last year, one carrier bag with food in it and a fourth with my laptop. I always carry at least one bag with me, and this time my therapist raised an eyebrow. For the first fifteen minutes of the session, he began to explore the meaning of carrying so many bags around with me.

It embarrassed me to have to explore all of this in minute detail. In all honesty, I had made peace with being the eccentric bag lady a long time ago. And, more importantly, I had had one of the most shocking interactions with my mother in quite a while and needed clarity and a safe space to vent.

Bags? What have bags got to do with real life? Bags carry items, they are self explanatory.

I let him continue with the analysis, until there came a point where the discussion ended. I then mentioned my mother and what had occurred. And we switched tracks and I was able to explore my deep hurt and anger. The session finished shortly after.

I mentioned this to him the following week, about how it didn’t even occur to me to interrupt and change the topic. I had really wanted to talk about what was important to me, yet I felt he had led the session elsewhere. He asked me how it made me feel. I said I just assumed he knew what he was doing and that there was some reason behind it.

My therapist became very flustered. I wouldn’t credit myself with a high sense of empathy these days, but I could see he was taken aback and even a bit remorseful. I know that feeling all too well. I briefly imagined a huge thought bubble above his head with the words, “I’ve screwed up!” written inside it. He then said, “Well, from what you’re saying, your needs weren’t met. You sensed somehow you were deficient, which allowed your needs to not be met.”

Now, me being fortunate enough to have spare time to explore various knowledge and pathways, I have come across the psychological theories about human needs. Abraham Maslow and the hierarchy of needs pyramid is most famous. Sadly, because I have relied a lot more upon my mental faculties and somehow distanced my real life from anything remotely human or social, it never occurs to me to realise I have a right to have my needs met.

This realisation hit me in such a way, it took my breath away. Literally, I couldn’t breathe for a few seconds.

In my most recent therapy session, I went prepared to explore this further.

He reiterated himself, “You didn’t have your needs met. I am sure you were able to cope afterwards by talking to a friend and by writing in your journal – yet the fact remains your needs weren’t met in the actual session.”

And then I confessed: “Yes, I have become so used to my needs not being met when I had begged and fought for them that I now just assume that’s all I deserve, in a very fatalistic sort of way. In all honesty, it hasn’t even occurred to me THAT my needs are valid or that they ought to be met. I still haven’t taken actions to ask people or organisations for the support I need. I’m expecting a rejection every time.”

Yet, that is not the case with others. My fellow colleagues, my current or former friends, certain gurus I’ve had contact with, regular people I observe in customer queues, on television or randomly on social media. They know what their needs are, feel very sure about having those needs met and endure they make it happen.

So what happens when you have to re-educate yourself about a theory that was not very well embedded in the first instant?

Exploring this simple idea about various human needs, whether they are met or not and I had the stark realisation that when these needs are not met, they can be the root cause of most of our deep rooted issues.

Here are a few cursory questions I came up with to start us off:

1) What does it mean to have our needs met?

2) What are the different arenas of need?

3) What can we do to take care of ourselves (just as a lioness would her cubs) to ensure that we’ve done everything possible as a person to take care of our own needs?

This last question is, of course, after taking into account that the world is not set up in a way to ensure any one person has all their needs met. We will be regularly disappointed and even screwed over a few times. Yet, the idea is that we need to cultivate a base-line acknowledgement that we all have various needs that ideally can be met. 

We all are sentient beings having real needs.

1) WHAT ARE YOUR NEEDS?

The first step is to put down in clear large writing all of your needs as a human and spiritual being.

I made a mind map of all my needs, so I could have a holistic view (and it was meeting my needs for creativity and order).

The categories are many:

physical, sexual, health, mental, exercise,
learning, monetary, career, volunteering,
friendship, romance, travel, living space,
nature, leisure, social networking, inner peace,
fun, family, environment, communication,
real intelligent and healing conversations,
support, spiritual, healing, interests,
creativity, me-time, writing and publishing,
recognition, kindness and friendliness,
respect, graceful living, safety, anonymity, 
lots of physical space, authentic self expression,
silliness, solitude

As you can imagine, this is hardly an exhaustive list. Your list will also have similar and also more detailed needs.

Putting all of your needs in graphic form really hits home and makes it easier to see the connections. You really acknowledge how many needs you have and how many you know aren't being met.

I then asked myself what had happened for me to make a few crippling decisions that are currently running the way my life is being played out. How could I not realise what my needs were and even when I was acutely aware of what my needs were, why did I somehow feel that I didn’t deserve to have them met?

The reasons for my way of thinking have been primarily due to the way I have been brought up and the beliefs I made about myself and life as a result of my experiences. I feel a lot of my needs as a child were neglected, either out of choice or due to emotional upheaval in the family due to deaths and mishaps.

My family have a unique take on life, not shared by most people I know from the same faith and culture. It is a fatalistic point of view, seeded in their traditional views about Islamic religion, the Quran and the associated legal laws created.

In addition to this, because they haven’t yet figured out the divine laws of manifestation, intention and grace (amongst the others), they seem to continually deal with drama in their daily lives. Things breaking down, traders behaving rudely with them and, most recently, my mother got mugged outside the house and the monies allocated for the charity school she runs were taken along with her own money.

With every event, and most days it seemed we were in a film whereby there was always drama and despair up until I left Pakistan, the underlying assumption was “we are bad, we are cursed, that’s life, give more money to charity and to widows, get rid of all of our cursed jewellery, you don’t deserve a happy life, this is what we’re good for, you don’t understand our life, how can you expect anything other than what we know, everyone has problems...” ad infinitum.

As an example, there was a point in my life when would have to put up with badly stitched clothes because the seamstress was poor and needed to earn money, even though I looked very shabby and could afford better stitching.

I attempted suicide at age 10 when I was studying at primary school in Karachi. I was only stopped by a teacher at the very last moment. Normally, once informed, any concerned parent would ensure I had some psychotherapy or  counselling to help me cope with the despair that urged me to want to jump out of a window.

However, the head teacher of the school at the time effectively told my mother that I was young and impulsive, "kids do these things" and that I didn't need counselling. What is interesting to note is, my mother agreed and this was never spoken of again. The event and the circumstances that led to it were ignored and all I felt was embarrassment and shame.

What really stands out with this memory is that there was one extended family member who taught in the same school that I studied. She couldn't ignore it as she was more interested in how my actions would impact her reputation as a teacher in the school. With the best of intentions, I am sure, she made sure she vocalised her disappointment and even her condemnation that I was so melodramatic and attention seeking, that I didn't think of how my actions would affect her and the rest of the family.

"Make sure you don't pull a stunt like this ever again."

In addition, I saw that my needs for a social life between ages 11 - 15 were curtailed because my mother was going through an intensely volatile period in her life due to a second marriage and divorce. Because she was unable to face meeting people, she also wished to "protect" or "hide" me in the house, so I had to decline birthday party invites, tea invites, hang-out invites, even weddings, and stay almost entirely away from all classmates except when at school.

The invitations soon trickled out, I was forgotten and didn't have any friends to go back to after my mother lifted my "social ban" at age 16. By then, I had learned so well the art of not asking or not expecting my social needs to be met, that the roles reversed. My mother would encourage me to go to a school event, or to a friends house and I was the one who felt dull inside and refused.The dysthymia had set in very deeply by then.

My schooling, although of a very excellent standard as I was able to go to private school, again had a lot of lacks and us students had to make do with appalling, cramped classroom conditions without adequate windows, three or four maths teachers in three years and regular strikes that affected our schooling progress.

Also, in my case, I have such empathy with people, that when growing up in a developing country whereby the children and grown men are begging on the streets with various body parts missing and dirty clothing, I perhaps felt an intense guilt for my good fortune. I couldn't (and still can not) accept the drastic inequality prevalent in almost every country, but very visible in a place like Karachi.

I took all this inside me to such a degree that everything beyond that has been coloured with this belief of minimising my needs and not even expecting those minimum needs to be met.

The extent of the impact of these limiting beliefs have been that up until a few months ago, I was entirely impressed by a person who claimed to be a spiritual teacher, awakening us all to the truth of who we were. Yet, under all the hyperbole and "I love yous", she had clearly begun to enjoy the glory of having devoted followers, charging and being paid a lot of money for services (that other healers would have a reasonable charge for) in order to travel business class “because we can”. She also began aggressively marketing spirituality and graceful living as a commodity and had very recently begun to behave rudely to people on-stage in public.

In essence, she had begun creating a cult and my entire system was rejecting it, to the point of falling physically ill and paranoid. Yet, due to my faulty reasoning system, I still held on because I had known her for so long as a friend. And, at the time, I was quite vulnerable and felt I had no other options on the pathway to salvation.

There were many signs that this was not the right environment for me to flourish, yet I continued and I trusted that, again, she knew something I didn’t and that if I was feeling uncomfortable, physically ill and drained, it was more my deficiency and lack of spiritual insight than it was her modus operandi.

It had to take the accounts of eleven other individuals about this person for me to finally realise that I was excusing behaviour that would never be tolerated had it been someone I didn't love so much.

I feel I had to experience this great betrayal of trust to slowly come to the point of understanding my needs.

Yet, this again, was highlighted to me in the last week.

And so, after my counsellor's guidance as to what one of my major blind spots has been, I have taken a decision to truly take . As much as I would like, I don’t get my six years back, the last thirty-two years back whereby I allowed people to walk over me, or to speak to me in a tone that I felt was disrespectful, and to make me feel that somehow not getting my needs met was a good thing.

I just can’t. I can’t delete the pain. I can't undo the mistakes, the fear and the hesitation.

But I can do something now and my hope is that as a result of this blog post, you're inspired to think about how the experience of your life can be improved by taking stock of your needs and whether they are being met.

2) HAVING YOUR NEEDS MET

Seeing if your needs are being met is a simple exercise, in theory at least.

Once you have defined and identified all of your needs as a human being, you then go through the list or diagramme and ask yourself the following:

“Are my health needs being met?"
"Are my monetary needs being met?"
"Are my basic food and water needs being met?"
"Are my self expression needs being met?" and so on.

Your answer will usually be a simple yes or no. If yes, then you go further into details such as

- somewhat
- mostly
- rarely

And if there are areas in which they aren't being met, you note down the missing pieces as to how could they be met.

Continue with this exercise until all the areas of your life have been answered.

It is key at this time to be very kind to yourself during this exercise. I will make the bold claim that because you are living on this chaotic planet, when there are seven billion individuals with their unique agendas, although you may have really done well in ensuring your life works well, there may be one or two areas that you will find that your needs are not being met. This is the gift of being human.

We can go back to the idea of neutrality and of acceptance that we will not have all of our needs met immediately. It may take some changes or some actions steps.

If we had immediate gratification for all of our needs, I doubt our personalities, characters and souls would grow into more and expand into more wisdom and patience. In fact, it is a well known Irish curse when someone says: May you get exactly what you wish!

And so, when answering these questions, go in with the curiosity and indifference a social scientist is expected to go into any research.

You are your test subject. It is a social experiment.

3) ACCEPTANCE OF THAT WHICH IS OUT OF YOUR CONTROL

The next thing to accept is that some of these needs cannot be met now. On a very real, literal and physical level, they just cannot be met. Ideally, they will be met as soon as it's possible and the Universe brings you in tune with the results, but as of now they aren't being met. By accepting this, you have the blissful opportunity of going deep into a peaceful acceptance and not come up with decisions such as

a) that you shouldn’t have these needs at all and
b) that somehow you’re being unreasonable for feeling frustrated, dejected, stressed, irritated or upset that they aren’t being met

I'll share a very personal example with you to illustrate what I mean.

One of my core needs as a woman are my sexual and romantic needs. Now for me to admit this, to accept it and to write it publicly with my real name signed underneath is something I find very surprising that I am able to do so as a result of my traditional, conservative Muslim upbringing. For me, it is a risk that I am now willing to take.


However, what has been far more damaging to my psyche than the fear of my mother or aunt reading this post is the fact that I have denied this real acceptance to myself for a long time. I accepted it a while ago when I had fallen in love with someone and had all the urges. The relationship didn't work out, and any subsequent attempts with other men have also not worked out, to the point I have always been rejected or been forbidden to express my needs due to the situation I found myself in, the role of the "other woman" as such.

And then, I used to wonder why I felt unattractive, unlovable and depressed, why I felt irritable at family weddings and couldn’t keep any previous romantic interest out of mind for too long, hanging onto them for such long periods of time that it became insulting to my soul’s innate free nature and annoyed them to the point they had to become pointedly rude in order to get rid of me!

I have signed onto online dating/marriage websites specifically for Muslims, and after six years of doing this off and on and creating a whole lot of drama as well, I’ve decided this is really and truly not the route for me. I have accepted this. I will comment more about my experiences online in a separate article.

I have also accepted that because I am a unique sort of a Muslim woman, the sort who is also a shaman, who believes in star-seeds and alternate realities and in substance over form, and who is not meant to be birthing and raising children, I may have to wait a while until the time is right and I find a compatible person to have my first relationship with.

Yet, physically, and for the healthy balance of my mental health and emotional well-being, I need regular sex, kisses, cuddles and canoodling, just like most adults human beings do. 

I will be the first to acknowledge just how grateful I am that I have been safe from forced assault, rape or abuse and that I have also resisted temptation to sleep with a random handsome Turkish/Cypriot/Greek stranger I met on holiday just because he was able to quote Shams Tabrizi and had gleaming eyes and white glinting teeth!

Meeting my sexual needs through casually finding someone off the street (I don't do pubs or clubs) or any of those 21 or 25 year old desi boys looking for casual sex on a dating app will entirely ensure that my soul and emotional needs are not met. Any casual dating would, in fact, jeopardise a lot of my other core needs (and values). I couldn't survive a rushed, loveless liaison such as that.

So, in this case, having gone through all the stages of grief and frustration, my really liberating option is to accept the circumstances just as they currently are.

There are other areas whereby your needs may not be met in the immediate future. This could include your financial security after the EU referendum result, your needs for solitude when living in a busy urban city, or your need for a holiday when the earliest available days to book off from work are three months from now.

In these cases, you train yourself to become innovative with whichever needs you can meet by yourself as best as you can. This might mean a shorter holiday, locally. You then have the option to move onto those aspects of your list whereby the needs are much easier to meet.

4) HOW TO MEET YOUR NEEDS

The next step is to discover discover how you will meet your needs.

For example, when looking at your need for fun and leisure, you can become very expansive in what you define as fun and see how those fun needs can be met.

For me, it’s fun to go to the park and say hello to the ducks. It’s also fun for me to listen to music, write rants on my blog, read, dance, speak to friends on the phone, drinking a well made cup of earl grey tea, learn about spiritual ideas, attend courses, and even go out for a hot chocolate every once in a while.

Most of these above fun needs are easily met and the how is quite accessible too.

I find that having a simple list of how to meet the needs allows for them to be met regularly, and the list can include more complex things such as a holiday or a retirement plan all sorted out. You will be able to meet those needs too, but they require more planning and serendipity.

Ideally, you would make a separate list on a clean page detailing how you would ideally have all of your needs met.

5) WHO GETS TO MEET YOUR NEEDS?

This one is more of a personal inventory of your life. For the most part, most of your needs are effectively met by yourself. You are the centre and the key to your own happiness.

Even when at times you may feel someone else, such as a parent, romantic partner, employer, client, government body, electricity company, plumber, masseuse, alternate practitioner, social media or other person is fulfilling your need – it is you who is ensuring that you make your needs understood and take the steps to ensure they are met.

Now, look at your lists and see the needs that can be met and ask yourself how many are you able to make happen for yourself.

For the ones that others will have to fill a need, you can ask: are they meeting my needs?

In certain areas, there will be a yes, such as in the case of your doctor, for example. If the answer is a no, you may consider taking steps to either ensure the doctor or GP surgery is made aware how to meet your needs, or you might have to change your GP practice to see if the new place can meet your needs.

In my personal experiment, when I asked about people who were my friends perhaps a year ago, six months ago, three months ago and even a month ago, and asked: are they fulfilling my needs for friendship? – most of the time, the answer from my heart was a blunt “No”.

I then did all of those souls justice and asked the opposite: am I meeting their needs? The answer was again a very, very blunt “No!”.

I asked the question with respect to ex friends, certain cousins and other relatives, people I had been in love with - including someone I have been unable to let go of for six long arduous years. “Am I filling any needs of theirs by communicating with them, attempting reconciliation and remaining in touch?”

Again, the answer from my heart was a No.

It can be a demanding exercise. It feels as though you strip yourself of a lot of defenses, excuses and justifications. You suddenly really simplify your life. It can’t happen when your emotions are still deeply intertwined with the people or situations in question. People may tell you, and your logical mind may also tell you time and again, however this is when the emotional attachments can confused and complicate matters.

That’s when no logic in the world can extricate you form the attachment you have formed, from the expectations, from the inordinate desires and hopes that somehow things will change.

If my needs aren’t being met, and neither are theirs, the relationship has entered a new phase and I can retrieve my energy and essence from them, send back their energy and soul fragments and let them go with love, praying that their needs are met by other people who are the perfect complement to them.

As you will begin to notice, even when it comes to the relationship needs, which are mostly reliant on another human or animal, you are always the centre-piece – you are always the one ensuring your needs are being met as much as possible.

6) FLEXIBILITY

Since the unfolding of this deep exploration into my needs, I feel very liberated. My life is pretty much the same, and I am aware of a lot of issues that may not be able to be resolved just by this exercise, but this shift in my perspective is guiding me to make changes that are making me feel more validated in my own life.

I am also becoming less apologetic, as in literally deleting text messages and email sentences which begin with "I’m sorry..." I walk confidently upon the street, and don't somehow fade into the background like I used to.

It feels my entire auric field is adjusting to the new shift: I have needs, and they are all valid. I am able to have these needs met, with divine and human help. I now own the needs. I no longer apologise for needing space to walk on the pavement, nor apologise for my need to move to a different city as soon as I am financially able to.

If I take today as an example, I had a list of needs that needed to be met.

Relaxation and exercise needs: yoga

Cleanliness needs: house cleaning and ironing

Income and money needs: paid job (look for one decent job to apply to)

Mental health needs: meditation, Emotional Freedom Technique, homeopathy remedies, prayer, walk in the park, cut out all news and social media today, avoid reading non essential emails

Fun needs: walk in the park, listening to music

Creativity and recognition needs: finish my blog post on “needs”

Nutritional needs: good home cooked food

I was half way through my yoga practice when my mobile phone rang. It was my nine year old niece, asking for me to meet her for a coffee as she was bored at her nanny’s house.

I changed my plans to fit her needs in, even though I really didn't want to. So I ended up observing my own habit of putting someone else's needs before mine, and justifying it.

In the end, it didn’t work out. She needed me to travel to her nanny’s house to pick her up since her uncle was unable to drop her and her mother also was delayed. As much as I wanted to become even more flexible and drop all my needs to meet hers, I firmly reminded myself that my own need was to come home as soon as possible to find a job to apply to.

What changed was that I kept asking myself, are my needs being met?

The answer was firstly yes for the first hour, as I was waiting beside the babbling river in the beautifully manicured park for her phone call to let me know when she was being dropped. As the day continued and my wait became two and a half hours, the answer then became a no.

I went back home and spoke to her on the phone, letting her know that we would have to postpone and I was sorry that she was disappointed.

So, instead of beating myself up, I met more of my needs as I came home to make up for the loss of a few hours.

And we let it go.... like a wisp of ancient air that was held in the chest for beyond the accepted times of attachment.

I believe when an opportunity is meant for you, and you’ve cleared the undeserving beliefs that stop you from experiencing them, they all come smoothly just like bees to a lilac bush.
 

***

We as human beings must allow for a great amount of flexibility inside our brains and energy fields in order to understand that whilst all our needs may not be met, most will be met and we can go around meeting them with enthusiasm, humility and hope.

For those of us beginning this new exciting way of being, we may witness ourselves fall back into fulfilling another’s needs when our own haven’t been met. In certain circles, these patterns are called martyrdom and victimhood patterns.

We also may find we are unable to fulfill another person’s needs, or somehow violate their need for privacy, to be heard, to be needed, to be served, to have emails or texts responded to appropriately, understanding, compassion, to have silence or to be entirely separated from your presence.

We must hold space in our loving hearts for that as well. Their lesson is to accept that you are still learning to be a free, liberated soul and that some of THEIR needs won’t always be met, yet they have the power to ensure they are moreso met by acknowledging what their needs are, and then taking action accordingly.

As the spiritual teachings state, being aware of who you are and what you do, as well as why you do what you do is very helpful. You can stand as a witness of the behaviours and set an intention to change them in a way that serves you and others. After that, the psychological and spiritual work has a more focus and a higher likelihood of bringing about what you truly desire.


INSANE SIMPLICITY

By accepting and being aware of the insanely simple idea of having your needs met, you set in motion a greater global movement than you would be able to imagine at first. How is this so?

You have. firstly, embraced the audacity of wanting your needs being met, and being very determined in allowing that to happen through the Universe and through your powerful intention. That conviction emanates from your field and, as you allow all your needs to be met in a divine way,  others who may also be new to this radical change in perception, may begin to appreciate the simplicity and the core essence of that way of being.

It is your way of BEING that shifts the rest of us, not your way of SAYING or INSTRUCTING. I have always been inspired and admired people who oozed confidence, success, kindness, vitality, integrity and humility rather than being lectured by a well-meaning person about how my life sucks and how I must do x, y and z in order to get what I want. usually, the people who have time to instruct or to point out how great their lives are, or how your life could be improved, have some more inner work to do to understand BEINGNESS that will happen when they are ready for it.

WHERE IS THE DIVINE IN ALL OF THIS?

On a final note, I wanted to add that currently I have a belief that we can only realistically turn to God for all our needs to be met. We are the Ones through whom God will help us, because we truly are that powerful as creatures of God (the Universe, All That IS...)

Every person is also a soul and vessel, the agent of God for their own and perhaps some of your needs to be met. I realised that quickly when I tried to heal myself of chest infections and sinus infections this year. You sometimes have to go to someone trained in holistic medicine for guidance. I ended up going to a homeopath after two years of not having much effect and antibiotics not working (which I knew they wouldn't anyway!).

But please, do not make people, experiences or events your Sources. It can be easy, from one perspective, to feel that because they seem to fulfill very deep core needs, that they are the ones with the power to give and withdraw. What will inevitably happen is that, as life goes, they will leave your orbit in some way, and then you may fall into confusion and grief.

I am witnessing many partnerships and marriages stopping after 11 years, even 16 years of partnership and usually with children and pets and mortgages involved. Everything and everyone will leave. Coutnries are literally breaking into fragments, including jolly olde United Kingdom.

Nothing remains forever, even though we wish it were so.

They will, as per the law of nature, be replaced by others at some point, but remember that your needs are always deserving of being met. The fact they haven’t been met in the past has no bearing on your deserving and inherent worth.

If you have had a similar journey as me and are just realising that you have a right to have needs and have them being met, then it is just that you were not AWARE of just how worthy you are to have the same needs as others; to have them fulfilled with the same exuberance that others who have known since childhood that this is what works and have made sure this was done ever since.

In my own life experience, I have made many mistakes. I have repeated mistakes five or six times, just to make sure. And I would therefore suggest that you become very discerning when you choose the people you receive support from, insist on transparency and integrity, as well as kindness and compassion. There are ways to ensure that there is a two-way flow of energy flowing.

It is also quite common that people serve your needs for a day, a week or few, and then no longer do.
I am becoming more aware of expiration dates, without meaning to sound too rational about things! So I have found taking things on a day to day basis, waking up with a blank slate can be very useful for the emotional body.

If this post has opened up a new way of being for you, or you wish to connect and add to even deeper exploration, please do comment below! I am really open to learning more about this revolutionary (for me, at least) way of being.

- Sukaina Juma

10/07/2016

Of a God that is fickle...

There is actually a lot to write about these days.

And yet all I wish to do is reflect, and at the same time my head is flowing with ideas that I can't actually write about. All they are doing is percolating around my head since Wednesday night.

And today I sat at home all day, and when I finally switched on the computer to observe how the world is turning, I find the things that would cause emotions to well up inside me, I look at them like a movie I am witnessing.

It was Glastonbury music festival this weekend, and I wasn't even aware. Even though I really do want to go to it. Perhaps in two years time, if 2017 isn't happening.

The entire world has a say about what has happened. Good, bad - something in between? All I am aware of is that the UK has shifted again, and I pray there is good in this. So my Spanish watermelon will cost a lot more, and I didn't agree to Boris Johnson EVER becoming Prime Minister.

Are all of these people the same, different faces and only one interest?

All the things I was running after last week, I've forgotten all of them in a daze.

I begin to ponder, how many times does one awaken from a dream?

How many times does one have another facet of themselves tell them they are asleep, or awake or something in between? That all the people they had sepcificially asked God for help, they all failer her in some manner?

That the impulsive soul causes much financial loss on seeking paradise.

Immy wrote to me in his offensive email to me in February that he too imagines what Heaven looks like. Why is he such a child in his way of seeing things? Is that really who I am still? Perhaps so.

He had come into my life to wake me up properly. I was writing poems as though a dam had burst. I was seeing things, thinking things that were most definitely the start of an awakening and the bursts of a creative soul.

It all died down, and I went back to him and I stuck to his memory for 6 years.

And now, there is nothing. Now, I am back to how I was before I met him.

Not really here, not really embodied, but at least my interest in life and politics is back. My interest in people is back. Lady Gaga gets to meet the Dalai Lama over the weekend, and I kind of feel a bit sad that I didn't go for London Pride Festival, because I was tired and didn't want to be around people.

I will probably need to really become active in the Green Party. The Women's Equality Party isn't run so much by love.

There have been many questions asked to me this week and luckily, this week hasn't been dramatic at all by my standards. It's been a good week, one in which I earned some money and had some mystical, bizarre experiences.

I wonder how it is to be around people who actually are sincere, pure and understand how things are.

One question, "Sukaina what happened? You are free but..." and it collapses me into a heap of tears.

I am free, but I live in a society whereby they are still doing their best to open their hearts and can't seem to do it. Earth Star chakra is all money minded and I can't seem to find my feet here.

I was considering moving to Bath, but in practical terms, I cannot.

One can write Hu on top of a clean, fresh page and write down all the manifesting statements, yet the fact remains that I don't know how and leaving the how to God is good for others, but hasn't worked for me.

All of these concepts, and what really saddens me is how on earth could I, someone with reasonable intelligence and wits and discernment, entirely allow someone take over my life and soul, delaying me in my opening up and onnection to God, and then lying to my face, saying that had I woken up earlier, I would have sent out the "spark of awakening" into the ethers.

That was when I really ought to have taken stock.

People have been waking up since the 60s. What I say or do in some ways has zero impact, because nothing I say or perceive hasn't been said before, and more eloquently.

My aim in life is not to be some saint. I can't do it, even my therapist told me the other day.

I want to be functionally happy, to be able to vote for the right things out of clear awareness and foresight, to be able to dismantle an unjust and nonsensical system for one that CARES about people.

I have been around people who said they wanted too do the same, had no clue at all about how to go about it, and kept changing their minds until I had that peculiar feeling of being a beached whale somewhere and not being able to get back to sea. So my skin is crisping in the sun, and my tongue is parched.

They say I am You and You are everywhere

Perhaps I enjoy being distant from Thee

They do say, not that I have any direct experience, that make up love making is the best kind, full of passion and spark. Maybe that's what m soul desires.

That after being separated from God for so long, in spite of everything bringing me closer, and the entire world falling away multiple times to leave me alone, with my thoughts, my breath, the silence...

The Union would become ever more fantastic.

All I know is that prayers are answered when God will them to be, and then nothing can stop you from being found.

All I was doing was adding professionals to my LinkedIn contacts so that I have contacts, like real world people do, and one of them was my cousin. And then, out of nowhere, a prayer I had asked God a long, long, long time ago, perhaps two years ago, suddenly transpires.

And even now, I saw myself resisting and feeling angry, and the ego kicking up. As I type this, my right hip is giving out sharp inches and pains. That usually means a deep energetic cord is releasing.

I remember how three weeks before my first proper healing course, which happened to be Energetic NLP, I was in complete agony over this same right hip pain. Masculine programming.

There are always things to be grateful for.

Even when you've lost everything and still cannot fathom or manage a balance between the earthly plane and your spiritual growth, there is an assurance that you still are okay as a person.

It just is as it is... the cycles are in seismic shifts and one day is entirely differnet from the next.

Although peace permeates being, and space invades my head, there is still a stress in the bak of my mind that niggles and remains.

And, as someone would advise, just acknowledge that you don't know how to move beyond it, and give it to God.

The God that is fickle. He is a representation of me, no more and no less.

- Sukaina Juma
27/06/2016

Guru: Part 1

I don't think this is random that whilst I am looking to start a new healing modality, this page pops up instead before I make yet another mistake.

I really ought to question EVERY single healing modality out there now. Although it seems to have helped me massively, I can't be too sure what the actual channel is, since someone else began sending healing to me on Tuesday/Wednesday (without my being consciously aware of it at all! The universe is truly mysterious and bizarre.).

I have been seeking something that seems missing in all I have done previously and people who would complement me in my journey, and somehow don't seem to be satisfied. It is for the most part, the obstacles that keep me from my own higher self, I am aware. So sometimes it feel that even the crystals aren't working, which isn't the case at all.

I pray that the confusion lifts and those who are genuinely able to guide and help and help me to start healing again, come forward.

Someone told me they were willing for me to become their disciple a few days ago. I was like, nah. Been there, done that, didn't get a chakra clearing stick or t shirt, neither :p

May we all be able to step into our spiritual power. Especially now the entire UK will change considerable, we need to be strong within to withstand everything that is to transpire. And to create a different reality from that the collective is putting focus on.

Your soul is the most important thing, it is YOU.

Do not treat it lightly and follow someone else promising salvation.

Question EVERYONE and EVERYTHING multiple times, as people shift like the sands in Ibiza. Ethical and authentic one day, and gone off the rails the next.

We've all done it in varying capacities as humans, so why would any human be any different? Power is power, very attractive.

Even I admit it.... there is a real temptation in acquiring high and profound levels of spiritual power. Maybe that is why I still have blocked my abilities. Not wishing to even know what they are, yet alone activate them. I am aware of the chaos that ensues, and we are observing it today.

Instead of peace, we find and create chaos. For kicks.

And then the disciples get distracted from their individual spiritual path and become dependent. Or wax poetic about someone and a system they ought to be critiquing and questioning.

We all can do all of it by ourselves. That will always be a truth. If the person has found their path and way to connect, then you definitely can as well. it will be uniquely yours, but you have to put in some effort.

And if you're in the wrong room, thank God that you are now aware of it and not blaming yourself for any inadequacies, but that perhaps it's the room that's a bit askew now.

Also, I realised that I don't need to connect with guides and angels. I've been doing it all wrong (for me). Connection was always, always DIRECTY to God. No middle persons or entities allowed.
See, I always knew that and yet I forgot it along the meandering path to nowhere.

https://thetahealingfraud.wordpress.com/npd-narcissistic-personality-disorder/

- Sukaina Juma, 26/06/2016

We begin again...

When everything leaves
when everyone leaves:

is it then you realise the energy
you invested in another
was better invested in yourself?

And you drag yourself up
to make another cup of tea
that you will forget yet again on the counter
and drink in the lukewarm contents
hours after you first brewed it

Whilst your soul brothers and sisters
Let go of all worldly pleasures for the day
To focus upon their Lord

And yet your adrenals won't allow you this.

The major solstice has passed me by yet another year.

The body was a wreck
The friends left, one by one

And I am here,
With my thoughts

It is best
To pull myself out of these thoughts
And act

Any energy invested back in me
Is energy invested back in me

When this soul learns that no one really needs her
Yet she still must help without any signature
And perfecting the fine art of balance
Of being there for herself
And being kind to another

She will have learned yet another thing

Only for someone who is wiser than her
To smash that reality

bringing her back
to her original state

of utter mess

and

c
  o

   n
     f
       u
          s
              i
                 o
                       n



Let go of the self importance
Come back to yourself

There is no delineation
Between the truth and the fiction
All this while you sought in others

And all this while the others were as confused,
and as grasping and as disingenuous as you yourself

The pain is real and needed
The missed opportunities allow you the acceptance of youself
That no other will ever give you

But do not harden your heart again, little one.
Open it up more

And then God will speak t you through it somehow.

There are too many words flying around the earth these days

We command silence for fifteen days, to reset your balance
To cleans all the old unfinished business

You are correct.

you weren't sent here to agonise about the demarcations between
a twin flame,
a twin soul,
a soul mate....

not to go through clearing after clearing of the same man
whose brown eyes sear into your soul

Do you barter your worth for all of this
fluff?

You gave yourself away,
prostituted your soul
to father, mother
sister, brother,
lover,
the animals,
the politicians,
whose words and rhetoric grate
against your ears

You also gave it all away to your
gurus

And that was the deepest of pains,
The most knowledgeable of all learnings
 Is to realise the truth of Ali
when he said that to feel both superior
and inferior is harmful for the soul.

When one feels inferior,
they cannot create.
People use them,
the ones who see their value.
And you also ended up using others
as you have in other
existences.

And all of it collapses upon itself.

We begin again.

Yes.

- Sukaina Juma
22/06//2016

ripping her to shreds

I really wanted to write something.

But I am also extremely tired. So perhaps tomorrow.

He ripped me to shreds yesterday. Either Mercury went direct and that's why, or Mercury was still in retrograde and that's why.

He's stuck and doesn't want to grow as a soul and that's why communication between us has always been stalled, stilted, hard. Just like with the other boy.

I'm so done with this. Half the stuff he told me, he does himself and doesn't realise it. What's so agonising is the fact that we're stuck in this stupid canteen talking when there are always other people about. Privacy goes out the window.

What a shambles. I'm not inclined to write a poem about him. I finally gave him his birthday present because I was on a high with the frequencies.

I just found (when you need it) a solfeggio frequency for connection and relating so I'm listening to that one. For myself.

Yesterday felt like I had such a sucky interaction with him. You can't get past the masculine bravado and I had tried in the beginning and he was holding me hostage to that version of myself. I mean, once again, as much as I try to be 100% myself, there is an energetic restriction coming from this relationship. As much as we can have similar tastes in things, and a similar view, it's just.... bs.

And it's taken me so long to feel all the pain of this.

Back in April 2015 when i went for my first crystal healing with Sacha, she had mentioned a murky green energy around my crown as a soulmate energy. Green usually means healing, and in the end it is good, but it's also murky. And I knew it was him.

Harshness. An invisible wall.

He's the same soulmate energy, but if Immy was the first version, Nav is the 2.0 version. I can't get through. I'm not meant to get through. And I'm "too much" for him only because his behaviour and energy kicks me off. Triggers me off. I said as much on Monday, and he immediately said: so I'm a pistol then. Fuck. Always distracting from serious and intensity. I hate that. Sometimes a person can be too witty and just not grow up. Over confident. Know it all. And not let me be who I am.

To be honest, until I fell out of love with him last night, I was probably still that person. The person who wanted to merge and be with him.

You can't reverse being loving, especially when you don't want to.

There has been a montage of all my life events flashing in front of my eyes.

He will never see that. He will never have the experience of seeing me at my worst.

So to criticise me for my introverted behaviour is just wrong. To not seek to understand and to pretend you're giving constructive feedback is wrong. This is one thing I really dislike about him.

Thank you, Allah. I have been praying for the last three weeks for You to make me fall out of love with him.

Yesterday's so-called conversation killed it for me.

He did say that I am a unique person and he's never met anyone like me. That's a first. And that it was a compliment.

All my mind said was: huh, well, you haven't been meeting the right people then, have you?

Repeated scenarios of a man whom I love with my big heart and him not listening, not understanding, energy closed. I showed him my soul plan that day because I was buzzing with energy and wanted to share that part of my beliefs with him and all he said: well, to me, all this looks like voodoo mumbo jumbo.

And I finally said to God: enough with the false flags and enough with the false falling in love with people I'm not really in love with or meant to be with.

So many crap relationships: Immy, Ay, the customer guy, Nav... and the Somali colleague who keeps ignoring me, and giving me the creeps when he stares at me intently, and the Bangladeshi guy who's 18. I make him nervous. Poor thing. They try to impress me by being "cool", which ends up them being in an inexplicable dysfunctional male mode - which is such a turn off for someone like me.

On Monday, I really SAW how unbelievably harsh he can be when he's in his ego. Just like I can be, and I became so because he ignited this anger inside of me. Because he kept all of this secret for 16 months instead of telling me right at the time of my "crime" that "hey, you're asking me too many questions, please don't."

He isn't shy. He doesn't have qualms of speaking up for himself or disagreeing.

I told him, "you didn't tell me because it wasn't important enough to you to give me feedback to as a friend."

That's what has pissed me off. Why can't you just tell me? Do I come across as that unreasonable?

Just like how my father is. Split. Generous and kind on the one hand, then flips. Keeps it all inside. Why? Then vomits it all out in one go, without any compassion at all.

And then when I do it, since he seems to be able to take it, he says I don't beat around the bush. That I'm very to the point.

As if that's a bad thing. Like, how much time does he think we have to faff around, to waffle around? Scorpio and Aries are both direct.

Part of me was like: what, so you want me to be duplicitous like you, Mr Gemini? Or take ages to make a point? We all have different talents, yet for some reason this didn't seem to be understood by him. I can't fault him, like my ego would like to.

In 2010, ripped Immy to pieces and then God not only took him away from me, but God took away my sanity so many times to make sure I never repeat that mistake with any of his creatures again.

I still do, but it is repressed. My judgements are still there, and they attack my sanity.

With Nav, it's just not worth the pain and energy. He's just another guy.  Because Immy was the first, it pained me a hundred times more. We also have a very intense and stubborn karmic lock.

The difference this time is that, alhamdulillah, Nav is just another extremely stubborn guy with only half of the awareness he would need to be in a real relationship with me. Not that he wants to be with me. He has NEVER felt like that. EVER.

And, ha ha, that's kind of important in any relationship. The other soul actually has to be willing to engage.

Nav is just the second guy I actually could speak to on my level, then I found myself dragging myself down again. The environment of the supermarket is such a seductress. I dumbed myself so much and to extricate myself from this mess is taking long. Just because my ego is greedy for the annual bonus that we will get inshallah on 26th February.

Whoever said that Gemini and Aries suns would get along was a liar. And that he has a Moon in Scorpio is funny. He can't see it. And I like a fool tried to teach him. Fool again.

Not just with him, with J, Faiz, Ay... all of them.

I think now the fairytales are being ripped apart, I know that this is real life. Most of them don't care, and most of them will never activate their soul plan in the way mine was. They will do it organically, just by being human. God has given each of them a lot more energy than I currently have.

That's what happens when you're recovering from another bout of depression. You lose contact with the real world. And make an utter fool of yourself. Because of my fascination with the occult and energy and higher realms, I lose my sight of the man standing in front of me. I see his soul, not how he currently sees himself.

Shimmering souls. But then, my viewpoint changes and, all of a sudden, I no longer see them as souls. And I see their human selves and judge.

This really needs to be balanced out now. I'm a grown up soul now. Please, Allah. Please.

Give me someone who doesn't need to give a running commentary about every single happening, whose eyes stay locked into mine when we are speaking, instead of flitting about to someone else just because he is a Gemini. So annoying.

And then not having the guts to continue a conversation, to be kind and hold the space for my anger and frustration and grief... I still didn't tell him how much I've cried, because he won't allow me that freedom and that truth.

So he deflects to another colleague spends 15 minutes chatting about stupid football and then walks off without saying goodbye. That is rude and it is not cricket.

Not for me.

He was hurt that I said it feels he is always making fun of me. He wanted to clear up the miscommunication, but then lacked the courage and it was too intense for him. Fair enough. I like pain, I guess. After he left, I wrote a bit and waited until I could feel the hurt and pain beneath the anger and then I cried for 15 minutes. I'd have cried more, but the awakening processing was so strong I am still quite dehydrated.

I know I deserve a real relationship. Or no more false flags - whereby my imagination doesn't create romance when it's just an intense learning process with a masculine energy. At least I am learning not to take it personally. It's just being humans with one another. And one of us remembering finally, and the other still in amnesia. Well, more in the dark than I am.

I guess this is why I had to wait for so long before telling him I loved him. Because I would not have been strong enough to handle his shit earlier; You saw how I was with going to Turkey and going to Egypt. I was still so fragile and I needed love and affection from him.

I actually needed it.

And now, I know better than to flirt with men find I love and am attracted to. Or rather, there must be someone who won't mind, and will actually get turned on by my flirting method. And who won't make me feel very unsafe and nauseated like men make me feel.

I had written "all for the greater good of learning to keep your mouth shut."

But that's not the point. I will choose differently, make a different decision.

I know who I am. I am the me I want myself to be. Those versions of J Lo, of Christian Aguilera, the versions of women being real women. Empowered and also feminine and also masculine.

The author, the one who writes truth in a wry, witty way. The one who also speaks with authenticity and courage. The one who does Latin dance and anything she bloody wants to. The one who earns money and travels and loves fiercely and is given room to be herself. Free to be proudly bisexual and a sexual being, even if she's all theory and still no action quite as yet.

And if Nav can't handle it, I will divert my truth to myself. And to those who are conscious. He's on the brink of consciousness, he's actually more like U now I think of it. And I was ten times more a moron and shy and weird with U. God knows how he put up with me. But then that was fake, too.

And I've just realised if my Moon in Scorpio and Scorpio ascendant has such a Marmite effect on people and attracts men like bees, then Nav also has that same magnetic charisma...  his Moon is in Scorpio too. So I couldn't help it, in that sense it's not personal. I'm not the first victim. That's why he gets fed up with me. And also why I couldn't help myself.

Enough of this bs.

Energetic prisons. All my relationships with men fell like energetic prisons.

All stemming back to my relationship with nana, my dad and my mother.

He hated all the questions I had asked him in the beginning. He actually didn't like the forthright way I flirted with him. I had said, you can't help yourself. I couldn't. It was same with Immy. I couldn't help it. It was automatic. When I want something, I want something and why would I hide my love and desires? Makes no sense.

I told him, look, there was a good reason behind my asking the questions. And trust me, I won't be asking any more questions.

And I won't. We only have a month left with each other. Only see each other once or twice a week. Always start with fakeness, hello, how are you? Or Miss Juma.... he tries so hard to be suave and intelligent, the git. Can't see his own rawness, and his own rough edges... the Scorpio parts, and then when I'm encouraging him to be more real just with my own behaviour, he can't take his own shadow. Well, tough shit.

We were never compatible. God just likes me to be furiously in love and attracted to men I can never be with. Never able to be with them, distant. Karma.

Whether or not the vision I had about WW2 was accurate or not, I must have just been so cruel. To feel this pain in my heart, and to continue to shed these tears and be this frustrated.

It hurt my heart. Physical burning that only stopped when I distracted myself with Zumba earlier today.

Don't fool yourself any longer, Sukaynah.

You'll be leaving in a month and have nothing to show for it.

Well, not nothing. A generic souvenir from Dubai which you'll probably keep until you get annoyed because it's such a generic crappy gift and give it away.

The thing about life is that it really is as stupid as it sounds sometimes.

I got nothing except a few memories and some suffering and hurt. Took me 16 months to tell him because I was scared and the circumstances dictated there was nothing I could do. So I just got frustrated, and I over ate and got depressed and stressed. Giving him puppy dog eyes every time I saw him and him giving me his manic smile, the smile he gives everyone.

And he really could care less as a man.

It's really saddening for my heart, especially when he called me overemotional.

It was Immy all over again.

I don't like it and I deserve someone who can allow me to see him and him to see me.

For some reason, after Zumba today, I became flirty with a much older guy working at Hammersmith on the TfL. I was relaxed and felt more safe inside of myself.

I ask for my childlike innocence back, and the confidence I had. Please. It's mine after all.

At least, one thing I will grant is that he had been ignoring me all those times because my mood was off and so he didn't want to talk to me out of fear of what I'd say.

I acknowledge that people can get scared of me. Especially since they don't understand my love for them would change my behaviour. There is so much affection for him in my heart, yet he blocks it and just can't FEEL it. It's funny. And it's how I've been most of my life.

Behaviour and moods are not static, especially for a light worker. But he won't get that. Perhaps never.

Thank you, father energy.

Fucking hate it.

Makes you doubt the femininity in you as something valid. When in that environment, my me-ness goes out. The divinity, or my truth is diluted, and I believe in his reality.

Pakistani male programming and too much intellect and not enough gut or heart.

We delude ourselves, then we ask to be woken up.

And we lose the people we love the most. Again.

I've booked a counselling session at the Wimbledon Guild because I recognise the familiar signs of going under. I'm not saying I am weak, I'm saying I fall hard and I don't want to be contemplating walking in front of a car on a road like I did three weeks ago.

S had made a joke on the last day of the soul spa when I was trying so hard to become a psychic.

A couldn't read the energy of my small book and it was partly my fault because I was being smart and gave a book I'd hardly used instead of something with more of my energy on it. Scorpio, lol. Not playing the game or making things easier for the poor person.

So took him ages to figure it was me.

And she made a joke: if you can figure out her complicated energy, you're good. You'll now be able to figure anyone else out.

It's just that my 12th house also has Scorpio in it.

Even I can't figure myself out.

So stop trying. I stopped ages ago.

I will go feed some Syrian babies now, or help some kids on ChildLine. Or actually look for a job in London. Or Bristol or Bath or Bournemouth. Or Southampton.

And take a long bubble bath with salt. Body still is smashed after the Awakening on Saturday.

Can't be bothered with this shit any longer.

I had told him "there's so much stuff I have experienced, I can't even explain it."

He asked, "is it all that you've told me that I know or something else?"

So I said, "Some is what I've told you and some is what I haven't. I can't even tell you half the stuff I know, because you wouldn't understand, you're not ready for that information."

It's like something happens, you change your world view and are like, wow, I never imagined that was possible, and it is.

You know you can't really be intimate with someone you can't share your world with. Who doesn't really care either way.

And who will never want to share his world with you.

Next!

*** Edited on Wednesday morning so its much more coherent ***