there is a scent

The background for this piece of work is after three weeks of being told to stay at home, and all life and seeming progress has halted for not just me, but for many others.

I had hoped and prayed that this week would be different, but not enough people have empowered themselves, of whom I am one.

The depressions that hit me again were firstly that any relationships I had tenderly, slowly, carefully rebuilt, all came crashing back to zero.

I have had to face the fact that, for some very odd reason, I just am going through a time whereby people who have a strong connection with me are non existent. I'm literally contacting my mother almost every day because - she is my mother. God has genuinely placed love for me in her heart, and for her in mine. I'm being kind to my father as much as I am able to, because of him I have a house and am not melting down due to lack of money.

But the aunts with whom I was communicating with, the cousins I had reconnected with, the friends I was making connections with... they have been struggling with the drastic changes in their own lives. It was easier for each of us to cope with our struggles because we had the ability to go somewhere else for a while.

I wonder if there are different layers of love, and if I personally have to go through this deep isolation so that I have the opportunity to ask again and again, "Allah, please enter my heart and fill up all of the loneliness that I feel, so that I don't get upset, feel victimised, ignored or devastated." This inner child work takes ages, and a huge chunk is also past life pain and trauma.

Same cycles going over again.

This time, however, I have fallen deep inside the emotions. As much as I could. I have lain down and held myself and cried and felt the anxiety, and the panic and the despair and just let it shake through, flow through, and then the tears come through.

I can't breathe very well these days, it has been the case for the last three weeks. I am concerned if this is the result of 5G microwaving my body.

There are so many fears and concerns, and the general theme is that of helplessness.

So the last two weeks have not been very productive for me, dragging heavy heavy energy around.

Today, I am writing here after clearing energy and trying to shift the heaviness.

I am half way through an article I wanted to write about my life experiences, and my confusing relationship with Islam and with Allah. I was happy to write it, and then the next day the depression kicked in again and I have not touched it in a week.

So at least, I have written this.

***

One of the Sufi healers, he has the softest and gentlest demeanour of the people I have met in my life.

He told me about a specific Mohammedan scent, about how Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) has a very specific scent that is also recognisable.

And it just made me feel so much at peace to know that I have a connection to that.

So let us see if I can break through all of these challenges and obstacles.

The main thing for me is to face the fears, acknowledge them and then heal them.

The fears of being attacked and unjustly treated by authorities are still very high. And still find it difficult being around Caucasian people, I get intimidated. Don't ask me why (racism and low self esteem that is still there).

Anyway, at least I wrote something.

It was cathartic for me.