Flood and Release

I have desired to put my words onto paper for a while.

However, Life has been experiencing turbulence, and I can hardly choke out words.

Daily, I witness with my soul the incomprehensible pain and suffering each human and animal is experiencing. This, of course, includes my current human incarnation.

I witness women who have not spoken for so long, and are now unable to keep silent.

People are still without homes, and yet, somehow, they are producing more children to be brought up in extremely challenging circumstances.

I've been under very difficult circumstances for the past three to four months. There has been no fun, no creativity, just a bunch of crap, to be very honest.

Misunderstandings like no other. Extreme energy loss, confusion. Loss of time and resources.

One positive thing is the ending of all these useless soul contracrs with people, specifically blood relatives. The love was always one sided. Now it is a peaceful distance we have, and energy will restore itself.

Being stuck in role upon role, circumstance after circumstance that are not feeding me; instead it feels as though I've returned to the ghost-like state I had come to London with in 2007.

Can a soul, a life, regress so much?

I'm amping up the healing that I have delayed. This idea that healing takes time is a fallacy.

I made mistakes with a particular Pakistani origin healer from 2010-2016 and am still wracked with regret in 2019, and mistrustful of my intuition and discernment? Surely not?

Delaying our healing only ensures we are living the lies for longer.

Each of my trusted healers can only help me with a part of this mess, but because I have worked with each of them, and have felt the deep, pure love and integrity that comes from souls who went through hell only so as to heal others in that same hell, I can see.

I see that I backtracked in order to become dust upon the path.

Real dust, squeezed from the core of my soul, plucked from my essence.

The prerequisite for this is one humiliating experience, one frustration after another.

Emotion Code has become my saving grace after figuring out who was the right person to go to for healing.

My intention is to refine myself to such a heightened degree, I will actually be able to shift the energy of a fractured soul remotely, without ever meeting them, being beholden to one another, and if not realistic, without their knowledge.

For this is what I am now seeing in my reality. Beautiful, empowered, powerful healers who are NOT afraid of their abilities.

And yes, I was finally guided to them the moment I asked God to stop playing the karma cards with me.

But even when I ask, I'll get a burst of real awareness, and then it fades away.

Right now, I'm feeling very liquid, and high after receiving the 6th and 7th Nusta Karpay shamanic rites of the goddesses.

That then fades away but for now, I feel clean.

Which is why I am expressing whatever this is, on here.

Right now, there is no loneliness. Because we opened up the third eye and the crown, I am currently swimming in a golden river of connection with Allah.

May I fall in love with Thee all over again. You need to regain my trust in Thee. You promised me so much over the last 8 years, and it was all illusion.

No one wants to accuse God of that betrayal, but my human self can only see it as such.

The last so many months, I have been so disconnected from you, the humans and their issues wrecked me.

As did my own.

Let's see how it goes...

Oh, and I finally had the courage to accept that I lied to myself for 8 years.

Imran isn't my twin flame. He will not enter my life in this incarnation again.

He used to be my twin, but since I prayed for release two years ago, on my knees, writhing, the timeline changed.

I'm now okay with the fact I lied to myself, or didn't get the correct alignment with current timeline.

His email to me two years ago threw me off.

Now, in retrospect, I realise it was a "petra", a test, and although I have grown enough not to take his behaviour as an indicator of my worth, I now realise all the time he said he was getting sacred dreams of guidance, I didn't get any dreams or guidance.

In genuinely connected and blessed relationships, both partners dream of one another. They both are connected telepathically. And the boy actually loves the girl. And the girl loves the boy, which I don't any longer. Not in that pure, demented, unconditional manner.

What a waste of my life... Really.

Such a big learning.

At this rate, I think I have made it to remain unattached.

Oh well, the learning becomes less messy with the no one else's life to mess up, or time to waste.



It makes pragmatic and logical sense, but I pray my soul dissolves the loneliness that this brings up.

The Rupture and The Repair | Curated Post

THE RUPTURE AND THE REPAIR 

First there is the rupture. Old pain resurfaces, erupting from the depths of the unconscious. 

The status quo is shattered. You feel disoriented, groundless, not knowing where to turn. An old world has crumbled, a new world has not yet formed. 

You encounter the strange space of Now, pure presence, raw, unprotected by old dreams, nothing to cling to. 

Even your outdated concepts of God crumble. 

And then you remember to breathe, and feel your feet on the ground, and observe the spinning mind rather than losing yourself in it. 

The world is out of control but you are not. You feel what you feel. Afraid. Angry. Numb. Sad. Lonely. Unsafe. Whatever. 

You commit to feeling it fully today, to not dissociating this time. A feeling is just a feeling, not a fact, and presence can hold it. 

You wail, you weep, you scream, but you are repairing. You have broken to heal, ruptured to mend. 
Old energies have emerged only to be blessed with love, acceptance, tenderness. 

You can't go back to the way things were. You can't un-see what you have seen. But you can be present, today. And take each step consciously now, not automatically, habitually, but mindfully, with care. Finding gratitude for each extra moment you are alive. 

And staying close to yourself now, as you walk this unknown path with courage, and a new conviction. 

- Jeff Foster


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I will write another post about the intensity of the challenges most of us are going through collectively, and individually at this time. What little I know of it from my own experience - once I've channelled away my very intense emotions at this time. So it might take a while for that post to appear.

My cousin told me something that I didn't really want to hear, but it was said with humility, love and truth.

Me: I miss writing!
Cousin: You are good at it if only you stay away from emotions channel the emotions dont write with emotions

Therefore, it will take a while for me to write anything worthwhile. I'm currently being eaten up.

What Jeff Foster said above is exactly what's going on with most - not all - of us at this time of eclipses, and just basic soul's growth.

You feel like breaking, but hold on. It doesn't define you - this humanness doesn't define you, and other people's dramas are definitely their issue.

Walk away and channel the emotions. No matter WHO it is in front of you. Value your boundaries, your Self.

We're all connected, and from the same source, but that does not mean  we owe anyone any of our energy. Boundaries will always remain important, no matter how much one ascends inside of oneself.

Boomeranger

I am reading at least ten books at the same time right now. They all complement each other and I can cross reference them, which is great. This way of studying expands my awareness and knowledge exponentially. Now, if only I'd remember to renew the library books on time!

I'm quoting from The Bounce Back Book by Karen Salmansohn, which I picked up from a charity shop yesterday. (It resonated with me, obviously!)
 

tip#51  Anger is a boomerang

In fact, anger is so much of a boomerang, we could rename it "boomeranger."

During challenging times, it's easy to rage against the world - and specific people in it. But you can be sure that the anger you send out will come back at you and make you feel even worse.

Anger is a powerful emotion that manifests itself in lots of sneaky ways.

When I spoke about my sexual assault, many of my friends would say, "Come on, Karen! You must be so pissed off at that guy." But as far as I could tell, I wasn't. I truly didn't feel the sensation of anger within me. I just felt very sad and very hungry. As I keep mentioning, I had this never-ending urge to eat chocolate.

Turns out I wasn't hungry. I was furious! According to many psychologists I've spoken with since, my urge to devour chocolate was my way of acting out my anger - raging at myself and my thighs - instead of at my assaulter and his kneecaps.

According to Dr. Sandra Thomas, psychologist and editor of Women and Anger, because so many women are uncomfortable expressing anger outwardly, they often turn it inward, transferring their rage into substance abuse.

Whether a woman is abusing drugs or chocolate, she tend to fall into an unfortunate downward spiraling of self-esteem because she's not only angry about her ordeal but upset about her addiction.

Talk about a raw deal. But it's not like men have it any easier.

For many men, powerful emotions that make them feel vulnerable, like heartbreak or failure, often manifest themselves as rage. Remember when I said that anger is sneaky? That's because it tricks you into feeling empowered. Rage feels strong. Grief, loss, and failure feel weak.

I was surprised by how many of my male friends actually offered to perform violent acts against my assaulter. I'm still not sure how serious they were, but it was clear these guys were offering up their "projected anger" as a way to express empathy.

The bottom line is that, male and female, we all struggle with ways to deal with our anger. As Dr. Thomas reminds us, "Anger is like a squeezed balloon. If it does not come out in one way, it will in another."

Psychologists at the University of Wisconsin have come to believe that anger is the number-one trigger for substance abuse. They've developed a method called "forgiveness therapy" that helps patients find ways to release the rage that is at the root of their substance abuse. And it seems to be working.

In one study, 14 patients with drug and alcohol dependence were randomly assigned either a twice-weekly forgiveness therapy session or routine drug/alcohol therapy treatment. Guess what? The participants in forgiveness therapy showed significantly more improvement than those who only did routine drug/alcohol therapy.

Bottom line: When you are feeling angry after a trauma or loss, it is essential that you get in touch with your anger and express it appropriately. Only then will you find forgiveness and closure.

Bounce Back Assignment: 

Release your rage in healthy ways: Punch a sofa cushion; scream into a pillow; rip a newspaper to shreds; run in place; throw a safe breakable object; stomp your feet. Do whatever it takes to get the anger out of your system (at least for a bit).

Now, take a deep breath and try this forgiveness therapy exercise developed by anger expert and psychologist Everett Worthington. With a little work (and a lot of courage), you may find a more permanent release for your anger:

A. Recall the hurt.


B. Empathize and try to understand the act from the perpetrator's perspective.


C. Be altruistic by recalling a time you were forgiven.


D. Put your forgiveness into words - in a letter to be sent or never sent.


E. Don't dwell.

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It's a very concisely written, yet it encapsulates the best parts of acknowledging your anger and working through the emotion in a mature way.

I am a carb-loader and chocoholic in times of unmanageable stress. I'm only glad that I have developed such a high level of caffeine sensitivity that I no longer drink six strong mugs of tea as I used to during my university years.

Caffeine addiction appears to be a safer alternative to nicotine, cannabis or beer, but the bottom line is that it's just a substitute drug. The underlying reasons for why you are addicted still need to be addressed. Note this please, coffee, kahva and chai addicts everywhere!

My way of dealing with rage... ahem, I think I'd better tell you what my Ideal Self's way of dealing with rage is, instead!

• Running, yoga, dance and household chores - any physical exertion releases the tension and distracts the mind from the broken record playing in the mind
• Deep breathing, mindfulness and meditation
• Sending metta to the person I am angry with
• Communing with nature ~ the chi of the trees and animals soothes me greatly, balances out the heavy energies
• Laughing my butt off

Okay, I'll admit it: I do smash dishes and glasses from time to time. I must recommend you only do it with the ugliest crockery, smash something that is easily replaceable, in a secure place and preferably when you're alone (and the neighbours are out!)

It is HIGHLY cathartic...and possibly more more productive than yelling like a crazy person at the object of your ire or repressing and denying it until you develop a sore throat, high blood pressure, searing pains in your neck and TMJ syndrome (it's recurrent and quite devastating, trust me!)

It's boomer-anger, remember? The negativity multiplies and you find yourself in a cesspool that is quite difficult to get yourself out of.

The good news is that one you start empathising with the person you are angry with, compassion for yourself and for him/her begins to ripple to your awareness. With practice, the compassion becomes stronger and the rage slowly subsides to acceptance.

Note, I said slowly. And it's not an easy curve, it's up and down and all around :) They call it growth, apparently.

It also helps to recognise that the person is teaching you a lesson in patience, unconditional love or positive regard and compassion.

I shall end with an affirmation.

~~~

There is no blame. 

I release the need to blame anyone, including myself. 

We are all doing the best we can with the understanding, knowledge, and awareness we have.