The Rupture and The Repair | Curated Post

THE RUPTURE AND THE REPAIR 

First there is the rupture. Old pain resurfaces, erupting from the depths of the unconscious. 

The status quo is shattered. You feel disoriented, groundless, not knowing where to turn. An old world has crumbled, a new world has not yet formed. 

You encounter the strange space of Now, pure presence, raw, unprotected by old dreams, nothing to cling to. 

Even your outdated concepts of God crumble. 

And then you remember to breathe, and feel your feet on the ground, and observe the spinning mind rather than losing yourself in it. 

The world is out of control but you are not. You feel what you feel. Afraid. Angry. Numb. Sad. Lonely. Unsafe. Whatever. 

You commit to feeling it fully today, to not dissociating this time. A feeling is just a feeling, not a fact, and presence can hold it. 

You wail, you weep, you scream, but you are repairing. You have broken to heal, ruptured to mend. 
Old energies have emerged only to be blessed with love, acceptance, tenderness. 

You can't go back to the way things were. You can't un-see what you have seen. But you can be present, today. And take each step consciously now, not automatically, habitually, but mindfully, with care. Finding gratitude for each extra moment you are alive. 

And staying close to yourself now, as you walk this unknown path with courage, and a new conviction. 

- Jeff Foster


~~~~

I will write another post about the intensity of the challenges most of us are going through collectively, and individually at this time. What little I know of it from my own experience - once I've channelled away my very intense emotions at this time. So it might take a while for that post to appear.

My cousin told me something that I didn't really want to hear, but it was said with humility, love and truth.

Me: I miss writing!
Cousin: You are good at it if only you stay away from emotions channel the emotions dont write with emotions

Therefore, it will take a while for me to write anything worthwhile. I'm currently being eaten up.

What Jeff Foster said above is exactly what's going on with most - not all - of us at this time of eclipses, and just basic soul's growth.

You feel like breaking, but hold on. It doesn't define you - this humanness doesn't define you, and other people's dramas are definitely their issue.

Walk away and channel the emotions. No matter WHO it is in front of you. Value your boundaries, your Self.

We're all connected, and from the same source, but that does not mean  we owe anyone any of our energy. Boundaries will always remain important, no matter how much one ascends inside of oneself.

for the duration of my seclusion

"In the quiet moments
the soul has no real urges or desires
When the universe gives you a pocket of quiet, silence, peace,
please dear Soul,
enjoy it and elaborate on it.
That fountain of gratitude that bursts forth from the heart,
allows you to expand time and enjoy more peace.

It is a reality that you create with your gifts."

I have not felt so peaceful since April, when I was in a house in Richmond Hill, sitting on a plush white carpet, leaning against a wall, snow falling softly outside, managing a panic attack and crying silently, whilst my cousin prayed his salaat to my right-hand side. And even then, even with his aura being so warm, healing and magical, I didn't have the power to truly be my own self and feel free from the shackles. I hid myself away like a non-related woman would have to. people passed by me, ignoring me. It is all acceptable, because it is what I experienced and is done.

Life is chaotic, what else can I say?

But right now, I am feeling as though more darkness has lifted.

When I am alone, and when I isolate myself from the people during the weekends, I am able to remember myself in snippets. I can breathe easily. Around others, my 11-2 pattern of taking on other people's patterns kicks up, and I behave in a way I regret later on.

But it doesn't come from the meditation.

I still have not been praying the five a day salaat, and I wonder at myself how I can set myself up for such an arduous journey.

Prayer is not about my ego, and yet my ego makes it all about the ego. And I have indulged it for long, because I justify myself. I say so-and-so is favoured by God, and yet she doesn't prostrate in the Muslim prayer. I forget that, for all of that, she also is possibly on her own journey and the standards by which she will be evolving are different from mine. (Although they do say in sufi tradition that a the more a person is actualised, they will take even more care regarding the daily prayers and even if the number of prayers remains five, the quality of the prayer would help them to even levitate and do the astral travels within it, as the saints have done and continue to do).

It is not as though she has somehow gotten less favour from God for not being Muslim and praying. Quite the contrary, from whatever accounts she makes regarding her mystical experiences.

I know all of this, and yet, the guilt eats me up inside my heart. It is as though, since I was born as a Muslim, I have this duty to carry on with the same tradition. I know it works very well for my cousin, and for others who have also done the inner work.

But then, they eat meat so frequently, it must have an effect upon the soul. It can't not. Whatever goes in affects our soul. And comes out as well.

BEING IN EITIKAAF

Eitikaaf is something I chose for myself from the first day of Ramadhan. It is difficult when you work full time, and when you are a friendly chatty person. Or when chatting to someone means that you feel connected to something. But that is why we do the seclusion. To trigger and bring up all of the fears and insecurities we have that are numbed by the chatter and business.

I am being shown how much disconnection I still have. No visions, no dreams, no third eye open. Just fatigue, anger, people still behaving like morons outside. I just stay home on the weekends because it's safer for me to do so.

The days I fast have been good, I am slowly crushing that stubbornness and the self righteousness. I am now realising that the self righteousness originates from me. Once that goes, people are easier to get along with. We all make mistakes, and it's about finding a way through the chaos and the noise to move back to God and make life easier.


The sacred nights of Qadr are here and I already have my long list of wishes.




Number one, fill me with the zeal of sitting under a starlit sky. It's been years since I did that romantic thing.

Number two is PLEASE grant my favourite music artists with the healing and inspiration they need to make even more high frequency and sacred music. Especially Outlandish, A.R. Rahman, and Coke Studio Season 11 which will start on 14 August (so maybe that prayer is a bit too late now, lol, since they probably have finished composing and recording all of the songs by now. For Season 10, I won't be buying the entire album, just a few songs.). I am also praying that I can find the MP3s for Atif Aslam's Coke Studio songs - I can't find Dholna, Charkha Nolakha and Rabba Sacheya, and it's annoying my ego.


I really request true friends. Please forgive me for all of my flaws which have contributed to my being entirely friendless in London. And heal the issues I have with my family and relatives. Help me to forgive Life every moment (and help me to stop cursing the ignorant, because it just comes back to me threefold).


I need a new job that is respectful of my intellect, creativity and soul. And people who love and respect God, themselves and others. Intelligent and funny people.


And all the rest of it.


I am so exhausted and tired with all of the solar flare activity.

Time for bed.

The heart continues to close, and then open. Same for the mind. Hopefully, I will find respite soon.

in this there is inherent blessing

I developed an interesting theory today after having an interesting day: your gifts that are given to you, are then taken away from you, and in this there is inherent blessing. As you dig within to find your power and bring forth the embers from a zero point.

Yesterday, I woke up in the morning a bit more relaxed than I have been for quite some time. It is the result of doing the Lesser Banishment Ritual of The Pentagram by Aleister Crowley at night, and feeding my first and second munay-ki rite, because if I hadn't shifted some energy, I thought I would burst.

I settled into meditation and breathing, and almost immediately I felt the energy of my ex intuitively. Sometimes I hear his voice. For some reason, I keep thinking he, too, is going through some great tragedy and challenges as I am, only moreso because he is finally waking up for the first time (yes, I now see the seed of spiritual arrogance creeping in to beguile me, but it feels so real whilst we are in it. Who am I to have an opinion about anyone else's levels, when I drop so readily myself on daily basis?).

So, I asked myself, if you want to write to him, is that what your heart wants? The answer came yes. So, I did a really silly thing. I wrote to him. And I told him exactly why. It didn't feel silly at the time, because I could feel his auric field, and it was welcoming and soft. Loving, even. But in real life, this is the latest in a string of silly things I do when I read too many twin flame forecasts, which I had stopped doing, and then started again. They kept on banging on about how the portal was opening for reunion. I deluded myself into a sense of false hopes. Yet, I did what I had to do. I felt better for writing the email. I didn't check if he read it or responded.

And a few hours later, I asked myself, "why the HELL did you do that? You know how silly that was?" I gave myself a good talking to.

Yet, this story ends well. It is as though, having written to him, something very old, faded, torn, broken was released from me.

"You silly, it doesn't matter. He's not in your life. Where is the reality in all of this? Where is the power? It's not even as though you WANT to be with him, is it? SO THEN? Why do you write to him?" (Uncontrollable impulse). And all of this was done before breakfast.

A treasured friend then helped me do a healing for myself to clear some emotions. My heart was blocked, and it was grief over how many times I have been rejected by men. A past life pattern of never getting the guy. Let it all go. Feel so much better now. And today, some cord released from my spine, similar to an implant, and all that I did yesterday seems like a far away dream, something I did when I was younger. Not yesterday.

Usually I would feel shame and anger at myself, and I did feel a little bit, but now I know there are other things to focus on. My friend is a very powerful healer.

This reminded me that, whilst I've been avoiding the issues and looking to reflexology and EFT tapping to help me feel better, I realise that doing a proper body release of the emotion will benefit me more. More than even meditation perhaps.

So that's just what I am going to do now, to clear the patterns.

After my cousin did such a powerful healing for me using Reiki, I'm going to revisit the symbols and start healing myself and my environment with them.

This is the blessing.... my ego made me believe I was beyond the methods, until all my wisdom, knowledge and awareness have been muted.

So you go back to basics. Real basics. And never overstep the boundaries or the journey.

I told my counsellor that I didn't mention to him the fact I had romantic feelings for my married cousin. The reason was shame, and the ridiculousness that again I fell for a married man. For it is therefore not meant to be. So he asked me, why did you feel you could tell me now?

And that was because I had told myself in affirmation that it is okay to love someone and them not love you back. It is about you being a loving and demonstrative person, and finding a connection with that person. You validate your feelings and yourself. The other person's response is their own issue.

Especially since nothing will ever happen. And we wouldn't be compatible, my ego would constantly compete with him to be more gifted a healer. And because I wouldn't be more gifted than he is, or wiser and more knowledgeable than he is, I would feel frustrated. Best he remain a mentor. And hopefully a friend/brother.

So I realised that the moment you OWN your feelings and your darkness and the "shameful" aspects of your thoughts and behaviour, the sting goes away. There is no good or bad. It is as it is. You feel bindaas, free... the old matrix collapses in front of your eyes, you breathe easier, and you start to dance to Daddy Yankee again.

After seven years, it still feels like a brand new concept.

Without needing to justify the act of writing

And then there came a point in the life of my life when I asked myself, what happens when you truly have lost your craft? When it feels like that was the most previous thing you owned or made an identity around that the universe asked you to give away in order for peace to reclaim itself inside your cells? Or something as fancy as that.

I celebrated an anniversary yesterday. Seven years of the prodigal daughter returning to Anglo-Saxon ground in order to conquer and heal an entire planet. In layman's terms, I returned to the UK with full intentions of qualifying as a counsellor and something else random. What was not on the original flight plan was the entire "waking up and becoming divine" section.

No one was notified of this anniversary. I felt had I mentioned it to anyone, I would not be able to maintain their questions online (as, currently, there is no one to maintain a gaze with. Yet another sentence I write and wish I was back in the 90s with those enormous Mac computers and hideous green computer screens. As a generation, we grew up way to fast - now we all are facing the facts about chem trails, thousands of dead salmon washing up on the shores of Southern Chile and false flag media stories.).

It is truly unsafe now for anyone of my generation to indulge in nostalgia or nostalgic stories of the past. They were all mental constructs. Our DNA was a lot denser then than it is now, therefore life didn't feel as heavy - but that never means it wasn't that heavy.

I can't seen any justification for me to continue to believe something about the Soul Plan Contracts, about my solely being a writer. What can a writer do but write?

This planet needs real action. Energies removed and energies revived.

Someone was having a clear out yesterday (I was helping with the clearing out) and gifted me a sizeable pile of unused writing paper, including two legal pads.

My writing had a different tone to it when in medium yellow background. I just wrote and wrote, without the fear and the constriction I have been feeling for a very long time.

Yet writing can only do so much and I have now realised that my soul signed up for more active role in soothing this planet.

Opinion is free, but let's not make it cheap.

You learn to read and write and somehow feel that society and human civilization will evolve even further. Yet something in me refuses to go to that next stage when my young child in Syria has just been gassed with some awful unknown chemicals. How can anyone not see?

The relatively superficial talk and discussions I have overheard or taken part in over the last few years are now beginning to come back up at the back of my throat.

Every day I waste looking for another cupboard cut-out job, meant for the candidate to fit the job and smooth over the rough, unique, human, divine edges of their being when necessary, is another day a child starves, an animal is killed for meat, people are beaten up in India BECAUSE an animal is killed for meat, and the insane policies are continues and everything that was originally designed to benefit humanity, including this very computer I am typing at, has now all turned against us because we are empowering ourselves.

Every time I sense a hit of my own power back, either I or something external does all it can to destroy it.

You can't really talk about this things yet in large circles to people who would understand. Understanding, we all have, I stand corrected. But the depths of the concern for this planet is increasing every day. I can't sleep well, I can't relax enough 

There is a divine reason why my blog is seriously under the radar and I don't really invest enough time or energy into it.

I do have a remaining trace of seemingly real fear of the consequences of speaking up to boldly and too loudly.

And secondly, actions are what this bleeding and totally molested planet needs.

I can write many poems or angry posts, but nothing I write will stop the Fukushima nuclear really affecting us. The children, the poor, the.... at times like these, I really must learn to breathe deeply.

It's worse than the worse horror flick. It's REAL. So in relief, in harsh relief, all the superficial advertisements that encourage us to consume, or celebrate National Hat Day (seriously, have we devolved to this - a National Day for things to somehow regulate our emotions and obedience levels - to ascertain citizenship, which - how many times does this need to be repeated - is an entirely human man-made construct that means jack all. I've had British citizenship all my life and am still being regularly screwed over by our darling insane politicos. They have some emotional or mental health issues - no regular person would ever pass laws and regulations that they have to harm the entire population of humans and chop us at our knees so we have to fight so much harder to get to highest potential levels. It should never have been this challenging to get to where you wish to in 2017 - and that child pedophilia and sex trafficking is really happening and not a top priority - a flipping trident nuclear war system has priority over everything sane and humane. And this why I can't keep genuine hundred per cent respect for people who are in charge of charities yet grovel towards the establishment - something is amiss when you do that.

Dignity of the human soul and divine spark is paramount in our lives and it is TIME we woke up to that simple truth.).

When I started waking up 7 years ago, I was full of zeal because it was new and I assumed it also promised me a breakthrough that I needed and didn't get when I had gone on spiritual pilgrimage to Iran in 2007.

In 2017, the illusion that 2012 or 2016 would bring relief is gone. It won't happen in my lifetime.

I am unsure how a planet would sustain itself having being so severely raped, poisoned and disrespected.

When we look at it from the slightly pessimistic lens I have been seeing things, it seems fair to say I believe in an overarching being who is omnipotent and therefore has powers to click re-set or destroy and rebirth.

There are now perhaps too many voices and egos grappling for various resources that may actually turn out to be finite. Miracles abound but if the human race still insists on being in grunt mode (grunt mode being not waking up and living life in a two-dimensional egoic state, just as a five year old would behave perpetually), I honestly don't understand how Gaia can continue to take all the beating and still feel dignified.

Of course, that is why I am here and why a lot of us are here and went through a lot of stuff in order to wake up. being woke is not pleasant. I told my father that a day ago when I showed him the chem trails and he began mocking me with his laughter that sometimes sounds terrifyingly canned.

I promise you, none of us will ever get so bored that we invent lies and conspiracy theories to keep ourselves entertained. Most of us still wish that the planet just contained light and fluffy cotton candy. Chem trails? I'd never be able to dream of that stuff in a million years. Yet, someone did. I have had some thoughts that I probably picked from the collective unconscious and those are better dissolved. Not pleasant. Not even not acted upon in history.

Some days, I wish I was still unawake. I might relax and not have the quite constant panic episodes on the London underground. They kick up worse when unsettled people clamber onto the tube with all their content and expect me to sort it out energetically.

I have just gotten fed up of that and leave my seat and many times the train carriage and have waited for the next train.

It is also deeply disheartening to think that after seven years of promises and eloquently written articles about critical mass and first wave and second wave people, we still have so many people who are unawake.

I still don't meet people in my daily life to whom I can speak to, people who would become my allies and my vision community.

All the light workers I know are going through immense personal issues, not very pleasant and seem to enjoy being lone rangers or led like sheep by those flashy gurus who give you wrist bands to wear as yet another sign of branding.

So, for now, writing will need to be not as important as waking up and taking action.

Our waters are being polluted. Does that not make you feel sad? People at Standing Rock were entirely humiliated for wanting clean drinking water. Do we not see what's happening?

Water.

Our food is being poisoned and manipulated beyond belief? Does that not make you question? The honey bee is going to become extinct. They are dying. How is this even happening?

Vulnerable people are being told they can't have tax money for food and medicines, yet Amazon and Costa Coffee and all the big companies DO NOT PAY TAXES in the UK and ARE STILL being REWARDED for that? Does that not even make you flinch?

HSBC. Enough said.

Animals are being maimed, tortured, killed for meat and fur, for being a boy if it is a baby chick.... since when did we forget that animals are a part of us, a part of our souls?

The UK still has a redundant monarchy that perpetuates itself by painting itself as fluffy and benign. Why do we not see what's going on? I hope Diana Spencer and Modi al Fayed didn't both get assassinated in vain.

We do not need all of the flashy stuff, not when my brother is dying in Somalia in a famine and the only one with a heart is a basketball player who is being humiliated for being true and down to earth. But you see, at the end of the day, he is the one flying 50 tonnes of food to Somalia.

A friend of mine asked me recently how is it that all the New Age articles and books seem to still focus on the fluffy stuff, not talk about what real spiritual journeys are about? They are dark beyond belief and calling it a dark night of the soul doesn't put meat onto things.

She and I came up with the theory that the authors a) haven't really gone through the darkness like we are going through b) they have gone through it but either wanted to forget about it or didn't know how to help others through it so remained silent and c) are heavily guided and edited by publishing companies, including Watkins. There's also this inherent obsession with keeping positive and not manifesting crap through thoughts and words.

She also feels that because there are many younger souls waking up, the authors and teachers don't want to scare them off by telling them all the dark stuff is real and that every soul that dies before it's biological death will have to taste the darkness of the Shadow! I agree. It's intense and makes you question your entire reasons for being.

But today, whether it was due to the yellow legal pads or my having shamanic cord removals last week, I wrote and I wrote.

Without needing to justify the act of writing.

And I yearn for the day I can just be the writer and everyone is sorted. Not having to justify my yearning for putting magical words to paper and seeing them ignite a soul in a way I had not anticipated.

But, not now.

Now, we are activists and we bloody act in the name of what is decent and honourable. We stick it out. We get the strength from wherever we possibly can.

For they underestimate the human spirit. Or rather, the divine that resides within each of us.

We all have free will and most of us will choose to continue being asleep and never waking up. There are myriad reasons for why a soul would choose that actively on a daily basis. One of the simple truths is that becoming awake ain't for sissies. And so the younger souls are buffered with delicate veils of illusions to play around in until such a time when they are strong enough to bear different planes of reality.

I know I am one of them and have 
         accepted this 

as it brings me towards humility and 

               whilst prostrating 
                                     at the dust of my Beloved's feet, 
                                                                             I find great heights

Remembrance

Sukaina Juma

25 July 2014 · 

 

Surely there are people who have chosen REMEMBRANCE instead of this world, so that neither buying nor selling diverts them from it.

~ Imam Ali (a.s.)

What is really cool is that remembrance is more multifaceted than we have been led to believe. So, once you open up your heart and energy to something even more profound, expansive than you've allowed yourself to experience, you pop open an entirely different universe. Every time you remember who you truly are as a multidimensional, powerful soul, the more you awaken the inner prophet and recognise yet another facet of your Lord. 

Rejection and approval both mean nothing, because you have accepted yourself wholeheartedly. You like yourself and you love yourself infinitely. You are your own guru.

Let's keep remembering and reminding each other of who we all truly are and why we are here. Diversions are many, but the pure, shining, beautiful ones are those who keep reminding each other (Faiz Ahmed Faiz, Rabba Sacheya).

Just felt like sharing that :)
Much love xx

Peeking through the veil

I have been debating within myself whether or not to publish public blog posts about the inner transformation I am going through.

There are quite a few reasons why I wouldn't want to, why I'd rationalise that it is not for "the greater good". Mostly it's to do with the wonderfully rigorous conditioning from family, culture and certain interpretations of faith. And my fears chase me round and round the garden, like an enormous teddy bear.

Some voices scream "Stay out of sight! Be unassuming, modest, in the background. You have nothing of value to say. You are no authority and you are in no way pious or one of the blessed Chosen Ones to even begin to share your insights with others".

Others whimper "If you tell other people, you'll jinx it. They have the power to take it all away and ruin your happiness. You must not share this sacred knowledge with everyone. It's akin to offering pearls to swine".

There is also the overwhelming and loud and clanky chatter which repeats: "It's all rubbish, you've entrapped yourself in an illusion, a fragile spider's web of your own creation, you're delusional. Stop before you go off the deep end and never find a way back to 'the truth'. If you don't, wait and see what happens when things fall apart."

Well, at least I can truly say I'm not alone in the world, if I've been lugging around all of the world and their opinions and disapproval in my invisible, energetic backpack!

So, then, why am I jumping off the precipice, slinking out of the shadows and into my Light?

A few reasons:

I feel compelled, the inner urge, to communicate this. I am obeying my intuition. I've been struggling to understand when I am being impulsive and when I am being intuitive. Someone told me to sleep on it, and if the urge is still strong, still makes sense, still resonates with you and you 'know' you must act upon it, then it's intuition or your guidance. But if you're in the throes of Ego and you're more attached to the mind and not the heart, sleep on it again. Or do nothing until you get an answer from somewhere.

So, I've slept on it. I feel peaceful. I'm still typing away, word after word, in a steady flow.

This, my dears, is Inspiration.

And, in the grand scheme of things, if you stumbled upon my blog somehow and are reading these words at this very moment, and what I have to say resonates with you, it shall resonate. You were meant to read this and open up to yourself and something vaster than that.

And if it does not, it does not. I hereby liberate myself from my persecution and martyr complexes ;)

Secondly, I finally came up with a title for this post during a funeral I attended yesterday. The funeral triggered a lot of insights and I could feel my stunted creativity and communication begin to flow once again. If you have been so kind as to be unaware of this, it has been a long time since my last personal post.

At the family funeral, I was once again smack bang in the middle of the East African/Indian/Pakistani Shia (or Shi'ite) Muslim culture I was brought up in. And I realised that I could no longer accept nor relate to a single thing.  The customs, the decades of conditioning that is still being promulgated as the way to salvation and inner tranquillity, the (dare I say it?) charade of a fulfilling and spiritual existence when all I could register was layers of automatic responses.

Yes, I think I can say this in a most compassionate and empathic and loving manner: what I have noticed in myself and in the cultural community that I was born into is that we are still reacting in our lives as a result of automated conditioning. We are, once again, forfeiting the dignity of free thought, exploration, insight, a true openness that recognises that all paths of inquiry eventually lead to God. We lack the certitude that even as we stumble and trip up and get confused, if we hold the strong intention and trust that He will gently and lovingly guide us back to our own truth, we will get there.

I shall, of course, greatly temper my loving observations and say there are many adherents to Islam who have leapt far beyond the place I currently am exploring, and whom I would greatly benefit by connecting with. Sheikh Arif Abdul Hussain is one. He's the head of an Islamic educational institute in the UK. As yet, I haven't been able to attract these key persons into my life in order to learn, grow, share, create and discover. Oh, well, "when the disciple is ready, the master will appear."

I suppose I had other learnings to master first, hence my teachers have come in different guises and forms, and up until now, pretty damned painful and spirit-breaking. And yet, "they" say that the most difficult people and the most painful situations and experiences are your most needed, valuable and even the most loving of teachers. They really challenge you to cleanse your soul and to reach deep within to find that little point of Light which allows you to truly forgive and love unconditionally, to break into your independence and your own truth, to truly be that wonderful, powerful, beautiful spiritual being you know that you are.

And these situations will keep recurring and these similar types of people will keep appearing until you experience what you need to and learn that which your Higher Self signed you up for. This can be changed, of course (but that's for another post!).


And this has been put into extremely harsh relief this past year.


At some deep and fundamental level, you can be subtly aware that you're missing something essential, that you only have to read or hear or see or experience something that will unlock the vault, grant you the keys to the Kingdom and truly remove the rust from the heart, the fog glasses from around the eyes, the blocks towards accessing your intuition, your unity consciousness and your knowingness (the 6th, 7th and 8th chakras) - so that you can TRULY, TRULY see, hear, feel, connect, know and BE.

This causes great unease. When you try, you search, you struggle and yet cannot seem to break free. You cannot see beyond. You're missing that which would help you completely transform your life. You may read the books by Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, books on receiving angel guidance, books entitled "You Are Psychic", books like Tomorrow's God by Neale Donald Walsch which open up to the sentence, "Ask yourself why you picked up this book out of all the books and you're reading, and continuing to read this page right now." (Yes, the books are starting to talk directly to me - giggle!)

I have been searching for a very, very long time. I had to start from a very low vibrational level. And when you are unaware of the cage, you don't seek to break free. And when you begin to sense that you are not leading the life that would express the true You, the you that comes to the fore in your most humble and pleading moments with God, or whilst playing with the wisest of children or the friendliest of kittens, the most brilliant of mandala colourings, the most magical of romantic or platonic soul mate moments, the sense of connection you feel when visiting a mosque or cathedral or place of trees and water and duckies, when writing an email, letter or a blog post from the depths of the heart.... there are many more, but you get the drift.

And then, someone or something, or a chain of events wake you up. Brutally or gently - depends on how you made your soul plan.


***


And, now, the brilliant phoenix observes the gilded cage she is within. It's comfortable, familiar and she's managed to survive so far. But her wings have been clipped, and they want to grow a lot more than the space she has allowed herself. She may be regularly fed, but it's all manufactured food, having no real taste, nutritional value or imagination in it, whatsoever. Bugs and snails and other creepy crawlies in the enchanted forest are what really whet her appetite. She's heard they exist, she dreams they exist when she sleeps and she may have even seen a sparrow or parakeet flying outside, in the real world with one in firmly grasped in its beak.

And she pines and is wistful and, if I'm honest, envious: Look at this magnificent kestrel's shiny, healthy plumage, look at how large her wings are, listen to the lovely songs they sing and the wonderful acrobatics they perform in the still, blue sky. They fly like birds, as they should. I am a bird, too. I have my own destiny. So, why am I the unfortunate one still in this rotten, limiting, cage which confines me in every possible way? Boo to all the people who put me in the cage. And locked it so I can't get out.

But, wait. As her physical senses become more sensitive and receptive to all that is around her, she notices that there is a way out. Actually, there are several. The lock is ancient, ancestral and was not made of the best material. This is no impenetrable metal, it is easily malleable, shaky at best. And she spies the keys are actually, hanging on a tiny hook on the outside of the cage. She moves towards the keys outside her current sphere of influence, and what does she see?

She's been sitting on an egg the entire time. She had to move her butt in order to know it was there! And her first instinct is to peck the egg open. But she is again distracted by some birds outside the window and the keys glinting on the hook attached to her cage, just out of reach.

She sleeps on the impulse and when she wakes, she sees that, actually her sitting on her ass for so long was the right method and time duration in order to allow the egg to hatch of its own accord. Some outside help is definitely required, but she only does that after the chick inside has actually broken away most of the protective shell and has drunk the nourishment that nature provided it.

The chick flares into being, in a gorgeous red, yellow, orange, green, blue, purple and brilliant white sacred fire. It is such a sight to behold. The phoenix is speechless. She needs to remind herself to breathe. And, suddenly the memories of the inherent knowingness, wisdom, intuition and, most importantly, Love all come flooding into her heart, her blood vessels, her entire being.

She remembers.

She takes one step towards the mystical, magical and newly hatched bundle of spiritual joy and potential. It hops and jumps towards her.

She whispers tentatively: Are you who I think you are?

The chick gives her a fierce, glowing look of such love and acceptance and forgiveness that nothing else needs to be said.

The phoenix opens up her beak and the chick hops, skips and finally plops inside of her beak. No chewing, no effort is necessary. All is within.

And she is now alight. She is aflame.

She is burning, burning, burning.

And it's the most magical, wonderful and peaceful feeling in the world.

She is Abraham burning in the coolest of fires.

It is first a green flame for healing, then a pink flame for allowing herself to give and receive all that she was fearful of touching or experiencing on any meaningful level in the past.

And now it is a steady silver and violet flame. For complete transformation.

She opens her eyes, still surrounded by the Divine light in the form of an alchemical, catalytic, powerful, absolute, healing, loving and guiding flame.

And the cage is no longer made of metal. That was the illusion, a super magic trick of the analytical mind.

It is a veil. It is a veil of shadows and light and sparkly bits. It's not structured at all. It's not overwhelming at all.

Most of it was made of distorted love, confused ideas of security, protection, guidance and uprightness.

The ideology has congealed into idolatry.

In a certain sense, it never existed.

And, so, she slowly opens up her wings. She sees green and gold and pink feathers are swiftly growing in all the places where she had once plucked them out herself, or where someone had clipped them with an opinion, a disapproval, an outdated and monolithic belief system or a non-acceptance of the evolutionary, ever-changing, ever-growing and ever-accepting Divine within.

The more she spreads her plumage, the larger the cage of shadows and lights and nothingness grows.

And the moment her feathers touch the walls of the cage, it is no longer.

She sees that the room is also an illusion.

Ethereal azure sky is everywhere. That is all it is. That it is all it ever was.

The phoenix dares to lift up those brilliant wings....

She flies.

Fearlessly trusting in herself and in God. That is all that is needed for the flight to the Heavens.

***

At the mosque, as we performed all the death rituals for my father's uncle, I once again didn't belong in that paradigm.

This, of course, is not the first time I have felt the sense of separateness. I've felt it for aeons, since I was 8 years old, perhaps. But in the past, it was hugely unsettling and disconcerting, because I and the people around me kept assuming there was something "wrong" with me.

I suppose society at large can, on a subconscious level, accept rebellion to a certain degree, because the underlying presupposition is that, on a subconscious level, you are attached to and you validate the majority culture and its belief system. You only rebel and formulate a subculture of your own when you feel threatened, betrayed or unappreciated.

But yesterday, as a result of all the self-work and the shifting and the releasing I've been doing in the last two months - it was perfectly OKAY.  I didn't feel attacked, or self-conscious, or left with the urge to be judgemental and condescending about that which my fellow sisters in faith did or said or believed. It was all as it was. And I allowed it to be so without an inner, automatic reaction.

This is quite liberating, once you find that place of beingness.

I didn't censure myself, nor did I censure anyone else for being or acting the way we did. I was in my space of being, and they were in theirs. I could completely connect with them, show them love and compassion and yet maintain my uniqueness, and I made sure they did the same.

I was really glad to be able to contribute by creating an energy space where true healing and releasing and cleansing could take place. This is thanks to all the learning and wisdom I am gaining from learning about Energetic NLP, my first step on the journey in this new phase of life of mine.

Another reason for my sudden outpouring of all that is within:

Yesterday, I recalled this part of Marianne Williamson's oft-repeated passage:

Your playing small does not serve the world
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won’t feel insecure around you
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone
And as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give
other people the right to do the same
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others

This stuff is not unique to me: I am not the creator of it, nor am I the sole recipient of it. We all have this inner wisdom, we all have this wonderful Light within. When one person finally awakens and begins to navigate themselves and their lives from their inner wisdom and spirit, it's the sole catalyst that is required for others to recognise their own true essence. And they will probe, and seek and perhaps one day, they will awaken in their own unique manner.

In my personal relationships or when reading the books of certain authors, I am acutely aware of those who are ahead of me on their personal journeys and how they inspire me. It is unusual for me to agree or follow every single thing that they say, do or become, but just the fact that they are courageous and brilliant enough to be the very unique expression of who THEY are.... makes me think,

"Hmmm, maybe I, too, can harness that confidence, that courage, that complete TRUST in self and can at least try this new way. I can try trusting myself. I can try expressing the person I may be at this time and see where it takes me."

I also came across the following angel cards yesterday:

Be grateful for those who have opened the door before you, for they have shown you new possibilities.

Healing, when properly understood, merely means casting a firm decision in the direction of your higher self's priorities.

And, so, here is the result.

I am peeking through the first of many veils that envelop me and can see that it is time for me to lift it and move ahead.

My life coach has set for me a 21 day writing challenge in order to facilitate my cellular reprogramming. I have to write certain phrases 21 times daily for 21  continuous days.

And, so... 

♥♥♥

I lovingly forgive myself for failing to love, heal, honour, respect, cherish, trust, value, validate, support, care for, empower, liberate and awaken myself in the past.

http://www.pocketonline.net/g2engine/d/17445-1/Baby+Phoenix_001.jpg

I AM DOING THAT NOW, NOW, NOW!

♥♥♥