2020: the year we MUST end all damaging contracts

So, it has happened that three years down the line, after removing myself physically from a damaging cult that made itself look benign, and even created it's own web hyperlink called wwe, I was still very much under the curse and contracts of that person.

I can't say anything further (forbidden words and thoughts) without risking being sued for libel. All the experiences are spiritual and energetic, and cannot be proved.

But the people who have helped me, I trust their information.

And this is why we MUST end all our damaging contracts that we made to ourselves.

The contracts are made at different points:

1) at birth
2) at conception or before conception
3) in between lives
4) past lives
5) present lives, at a younger or older age
6) fall from grace
7) at the time the world was created

and many other points, since time is not linear.

What kind of life damaging vows do we make to ourselves?

I have a theory that as souls, we aren't hat intelligent about life on Earth. And if we don't learn from the foolishness of previous lives, we perpetuate the same suffering in the current and future lives.

Certain vows I still have in place:

1) I am strong enough to handle all the suffering and pain without any help (I am not)
2) I am strong to not have friends (real ones)
3) I will not have a romantic partner, and will constantly pine after people who don't care about me
4) I am codependent
5) Blocks to positive living, money, prosperity, career, aspirations
6) I will be abused by clueless people
7) I will be trapped and have to live in a place that is harmful to me (London)
8) I will delay my healing and not see

There are many others.

It is a huge, shocking revelation to really see my darkness, the complicated ways I have ensured myself a miserable experience. I allowed others to do the same, by giving away my power of discernment, to think... the codependency cords were too strong.

It began from my parents, and then friends, and then more friends, and then a false guru who pretended to be a genuine person and cared about my well being.

Even now, I find myself meeting people who are not right for me. Something in me does not notice the red flags or the inconsistencies. My empathy overrides all logic and understanding.

The younger versions in need of a safe environment and sane, awake people seem to project this onto people based on religion (I am of Muslim upbringing), ethnicity (Pakistanis - not the best thing to do - knowing Urdu doesn't make for a pure soul), mothering energy (nopes, this has proven to be very conditional - people already made their families and became mothers to give that love to their own offspring, not to me), fathering energy (same thing), brother, sister, grandmother (same thing), nationality (I have very few real friends who are living in London - something about London specifically - the western way).

Yesterday was a bad day for me. The loneliness was eating me up inside.

Why do I repel people and invite constant disappointments and betrayals?

And the answer came: subconsciously, I never have fully changed the belief that I am worthless, not deserving of the good things in life. Not deserving of love, loyalty, affection, real genuine love... not worth of receiving without the automatic reaction to give back straight away.

And this is why I have met the people I have met, and have made incorrect decisions.

This is why for 10 years, the NHS and all the GPs at the surgery I go to in Wimbledon have not cared for me and ensured I suffered and didn't get a disability care plan and the appropriate benefits. I felt like I was a scrounger.

Unfortunately, the power of David Cameron's toxic words became like a curse in my mind. Be very aware of the NLP techniques the Conservative Party representatives use to enure the population remains disempowered, starving, suffering, dying, homeless, whatever.

It hooks into our low self-esteem.

****

So I spent a good two hours (I wasn't able to concentrate) on Divine Healing Level 1, surfacing the limiting beliefs and key psychological conflicts.

I can reach my highest potential / I cannot reach my highest potential.

And this is another reason for the despair. Subconsciously, because I feel like an utter failure, I had this conflict.

And this is EXACTLY the reason why this year, in the NOW, we MUST end all damaging contracts we made to ourselves and others.

They are utter lies and they are harming us more each day we keep them under wraps, not even knowing we have them.

A lot of them are inherited in the womb, when we were being formed inside, as well.

A lot of the New Age stuff is suspect only because people found another thing to make into a commodity. Most of these people leave a sick feeling in my stomach. Now I know WHY.

Healing and connection to God and self should NEVER be a commodity.

I was paying £300 a month to this cult leader. She made each of us sign a legal contract, and persuaded us with gentle cooing words, and Tony Robbins style of making you feel like a fool for not doing so.

And she will never give it back to me.

And this is someone I loaned £1,000 for her house rent in the beginning. Only because I was too depressed to take a Divine Healing Course then which would probably have changed the entire trajectory of my life.

There was one weekend event, and I and two other participants vomited the entire day as a result of the dark energies that were being used in January 2016. I didn't call an ambulance, not a single person working for her called for ambulance, and she didn't allow me to call for one afterwards, she pretended it was "father healing". Oh, had I the aqal to know what was really going on.

Psychopathic and sociopathic behaviour comes with immense charm. Please, remember this.

But it is what it is.

For someone who was earning £800 a month, I have NO IDEA HOW I assumed that £300 a month was justified.

I'm slowly trying to reconcile and say that I paid for the house keeper she kept, so that innocent soul could pay her rent or electric bills.

___

I know you don't know me, and I have no medical or mental health qualifications.

The only thing I have is lived experience.

And, right now,that's all I have going for me.

I'm still alive. And one day, I will be formalising all of this to help others in a VERY real way.


____

Divine Creator,

We align fully with our higher selves and our inner wisdom.

We ask for deep, profound healing for (enter your name) with Grace and Power in the perfect time of NOW (and you can also add a specific date for 5 or 10 years earlier).

Show each of us exactly the correct and aligned healing pathway to clear all the lies, subconscious beliefs, programming, and blocks that no longer serve me/us.

Remove from us the pattern of being entirely financially and legally dependent on a corrupt governments.

Bring to light this year all the people who are deceiving traumatised humans by making spirituality a business for exploiting people and their money. It no longer serves any of us to remain in denial, blind to the realities, including that of viruses, fluoride, vaccines, pharmaceuticals, GMO foods, chem trails, child trafficking, and everything else on this immensely INSANE planet.

Make us aware of the implants in our brains, and the brainwashing. What the sheeple effect is.

Move us physically to the places which will truly serve the highest forms of healing.

Grant us genuine, loving, sane friends.

Grant us Grace after so much chaos.

Uncreate all the contracts, destroy them and replace with Light.

Ameen.

Water says, "How will you be made clean without me?"

Water says to the dirty, "Come here."
The dirty one says, "But I am so ashamed."
Water says, "How will you be made clean without me?"
Rumi, Mathnavi

~~~~~~~

You remove the thoughts that create a life form.

The energy comes back for a while, and you feel like your blood has become liquid gold for a while.

I have more energy.

Two days ago, with the precision of timing that only God has mastery over, and with my surrendering to my intuition, I met my soul mate whom I had not seen in 8 months due to his fears and blockages from his wife.

He apologised to me in very clear and detailed words. no running, no hiding behind a silent wall. I fell in love with him all over again (not that I had stopped). A perfect present... but there is nothing I can do. When someone gives away all of their power to their spouse, whereby she is checking his phone and emails, and doesn't allow you to experience the delicate nuances of human relationship. When he lacked the courage to text or call me in 8 months, and not really care how many nights I cried, or the pain that is still playing up every once in a while... well, then he isn't ready for me to be in his life.


As a friend.

I would never break up anyone's marriage or partnership (how egotistical is that thought? that someone else is the cause or source of my happiness or my peace), and this one obviously has been going very well for eleven years. They had their third child in September 2017.

I ain't that desperate for companionship (not any longer, that is).

I told him, "I know I deserve better."

This life teaches you that there are things that are more important than coupling. being okay with being alone, and being the main cause for this loneliness, for one.

The funny thing is I thought of him two days ago watching one of those YouTube videos about picking cards regarding exes. For him, the green crystals came up, as in he thought of me as a friend and was an angel in my life. All that is true.

But the love between us is so strong, I was surprised after 8 months, I still have exactly the same force of love and attraction and affection towards him. No change. As always, there was the electric charge that occurs whenever we are in the same vicinity, in the same room.

But I am thankfully not the same soul I was 8 months ago. Or rather, not the same human. I am forcing myself to surrender to whatever the reality is.

If I cast so many wicked, dark magic spells upon myself throughout the years and existences, it will take some time for them to wear off.

I had the witch-like entity removed exactly two weeks before. And, after 8 months after being so broken and in pain and hurt, and him ignoring me once when I was at the grocery store, we meet - with the precision of seconds. Had I left work earlier or had I been sidetracked with going to the second building to drop off leaflets for my colleague, I would have missed him. I left the leaflets because they were too heavy. And was angry at myself for not bringing them when it would have taken just two extra minutes to drop them off.

But those two minutes would have meant never meeting my Punjabi soulmate that evening.

He asked me to forgive him... he looked towards the skies in what seemed a gesture of awe and gratitude and said, "Well, it was meant to be that we met".

"I don't want you to think that I ever thought of you in less of a way. I don't want you to think that it was me who sent you that message.

"It wasn't you?"

"It was my wife."

I always am amazed how he keeps calling her his wife, instead of by name. I would always call them by their names. There must be some anger toward her on his part. He must feel the trappings, the energetic shackles and enslavement - he's really not that unintelligent or in denial (I would hope not.).

"You have no idea how many times I dialled your number and then cut off the call."

He alone has the right to break,
for he alone has the power to mend.
He that knows how to sew together
knows how to tear apart:
whatever He sells,
He buys something better in exchange.
He lays the house in ruins;
then in a moment He makes it more livable than before."

Rumi, Mathnavi, 1, 3882

"But I never received any call!"
"Yes, because I cut the call before dialling. I just had no idea what would happen if I did, and I couldn't take the risk. The guilt has been eating me up."


"Ab aisa lag raha hai ke thhora dil ka bojh kum ho gaya..."

Honestly? I couldn't write a script better than this - and he's not even for me. Well, my hair could have been prettier and breath fresher. Haha. Note for next time... except, again, had I stopped to freshen up at the office before leaving, I'd have missed him!

But maybe the script my soul is writing is the one of unconditional love. Not having anyone in your life, and forcing yourself to forgive his insecure wife, his own ego, and release the attachment. To spread your love to others, including some (there are many in London) arseholes that have crossed you.

If he had allowed me, I'd have given him a massive hug and a kiss. But Sukaina was not allowed to show her love and affection to him, as has always been the case. And so he drove off in his silver car, not even willing or able to offer me a lift to the bus stop.

The funny thing about him is I picked up on his beauty whilst walking past his car, and dared to look again - it was my soul that said, "look at this handsome guy. It is safe to look - to engage with life" - my default has been to ignore people and glaze my view. Something about those Muslim beards gets me into a hypnotic state. Thank goodness, he cut it back to regular size. There had been a phase whereby he was doing a some really weird things with that beard of his.

And then I recognised him.

He recognised me.

And I called out, "Can you talk to me?"

He said "I can, now."

And the best thing about him is there is almost no drama. None at all. Comfortable like an old pair of sneakers. Like a fleece blanket. Like my neighbour's cats.  Like a cup of cocoa with marshamllows and cream.

His is a soul I could hug forever. The kind of feeling I want to feel when I finally meet my own life partner. Just warm and fuzzy. Instant trust and faith. God energy.

The refined, perfect merging of the divine feminine and sacred masculine.

For 8 months, my belief has been he just doesn't care. And it is correct - one has to be really distracted and in fear to not clear up any misunderstandings.

A simple text or phone call would be all that it took. But he hasn't gotten to that level as yet.

And on the night of the solar eclipse, he showed me just how MUCH he loves and cares for me. I can never doubt it again. But, again, there was a heat of mutual love and care, of respect and of compassion, and none of the crap that I was feeling before: no anger, no hatred, no desire to get in the last word. I just spoke too quickly again.

It's the kind of friendship we both would grow from and find immense freedom in. And fun. But, as it stands... he closed off at the end, probably feeling guilty about his wife. Honestly, what is it with us humans and operating our beautiful, free existences based on the core trappings of guilt and fear?

I did tell him, "You need to have courage. Aise rishtey bohot kam milte hain. If anything changes, give me a call. Or text."

All he said was, "I'll see you around, maybe." He stiffened up, went back to reality.

I do NOT envy him, in spite of the fact he has a loving wife and three beautiful children, and an active social life, and loving family.

Since this isn't quite working in my favour, more entities are in need of removal, more curses. We both were standing out in the cold on the pavement for half an hour, rather than in a nice cosy coffee shop or restaurant. I didn't even think of asking to sit in the car to talk, and even if I had, I wouldn't have asked. He would have gotten the wrong idea of what my intentions are.

I just hope he chooses me as his spouse or girlfriend the next time we both incarnate together. What the **** is the point of incarnating with all of these beautiful soulmates, meeting them online or in the flesh, and NOT ****ing ending up with any of them? Hello?

This is so difficult for me. We were both here when we were teenagers but I never met him then, did I? I always, ALWAYS, find them AFTER they have already married the women they are meant to be with. It was the curse I put upon myself at age 13. The ridiculous Jane Austen curse.

And I accept that I made such a horrible thing happen to me. I wanted to experience this level of indescribable pain, I guess.

However, after feeling like there was something fundamentally wrong with me that no man I loved loves me back, and each of them have hurt me, Allah graced me with the clear sign that He can make things happen with such precise engineering, I still can't believe it. I've still been going to the grocery store, but never seeing him and have become so okay with it, I don't even look for him.

Allah also is reminding me that, contrary to how my family feel about me, how certain female friends feel, and contrary to every shitty thought I have had about myself and my life, he loves me. No question.

Such a sweet, kind, soft man. So soft and stable and loving, I melt into his energy and never want to leave (unless he's acting upon his ego, which is infuriating).

May I find one with all of their good qualities who had true courage and spiritual fire, such that he knows straight away that we are connected and is willing to sacrifice for the union.

Or else, give me two healthy cats to have as my children!

(Ideally both, but as they say, "laazim nahin hai ke dunya ke saari khushiyan kamaa le tu...").

And then, today, I lost all energy and vitality, I've been lying in bed all day "sick". I hope I didn't create a sadness and frustration entity that's sucking me dry.

Oh, this spiritual path!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm reading a few Sufi books I finally got after my friend got mad at me for not reading from the masters and going to hacks and charlatans for healings and knowledge.

The Knowing Heart and Living Presence, both by Kabir Helminski who has a soft, fluid way with words.

And a book by Chishti about Sufi healing...title to be added when I find the book somewhere in my room.

Starting with what is familiar and warm, what I know... my soul isn't as old as I wanted it to be, and I am now accepting of all of that.

I still mess up in social situations, and still don't have control over my own life... the small things, the larger things.

Experiencing such extreme fatigue and a buzzing that won't let me sleep or meditate or pray. Or do anything I need to do.

All is as it is.

Freedom comes in stages

The Tower

Today, the thoughts are clearer and swirling in my head.

But only after I went for a walk in nature.

And it seems I am finally being freed from the prison that has engulfed me my entire life.

I can see clearer, the colours are brighter.

I can sense that there are some shifts that are perhaps unwelcome to the un-whole parts of me that were used to a certain way of being.

I got the Tower card in my future for the Tarot reading. I will be free, but much will be destroyed and turned upside down before that. I always seem to go for the melodramatic, but there is hope it will be gentle.

My throat glands are swollen, first it was only the left, then both sides, and today it is the left side again. My left hand side is in pain. The womb is healing the pain.

I read an email I had sent in February, before the soul retrieval. It does not sound like who I am at all now.

Awesome. Always happy to hear you're keeping well. I'm leaving for Iraq very shortly. (Please don't comment like you did when I mentioned Turkey, it's not fair). Is there anything you'd like or need from either Najaf or Kerbala? Do not hesitate to say, you know that I consider you to be my friend (I obviously have a very loose and warped definition of the the term), even if you don't consider me to be so. If I am able to get it for you, then I will - but I can't promise as my health really fluctuates etc and I'm with a group this time around.

That soul was so lost, a mess as my teacher said to me last month. "You came in a mess!"

The height of disempowerment, yet I couldn't understand just how much, and how to get out of it all. I am sure I still have a lot of work to do, yet it is time that God came to me and helped me, as He does for all of His loved ones. If I lack the faith, You must come inside of me so there is no room for doubts.

Breaking away all of the chains

 


I have finally given myself permission to be free... without the arrogance of previous shifts.

I have completed the most difficult, challenging 33 years of my life and the Saturn Return has done what it wished with me.

Those of us who only have experienced a benevolent universe have other things to experience when the soul is mature enough. Trust me.

Yet, there is no more heaviness, no more delay, and no more knowledge.

I am being wiped clean of all of that which didn't serve me. The world around me literally feels like a video game, one I wish I could debug and re-write certain aspects, such as my continuing to live in London, but until that somehow becomes an easy task, I just ignore the uncomfortable aspects of the life I created.

What I need is for my soul and my heart to burn for the divine and surrender towards servitude.

There are a lot of tests or choices to distract me from this, and I have had my time and nothing has worked out.

All the friends are leaving again, I am shifting and they aren't meant to be in my next stage, and that is fine. I never would have said this last year. I was just so desperate, without realising my true worth. And still have a few questions about the events of the past year, and I am sure that the answers will come to me in my dreams or reality, because there is no reason to hold onto the past any longer.

A friend of mine has said to me that she has fought such demons and survived them, she knows she has no fear now because she survived the worst.

I can understand that feeling now.

The worst is when you lose yourself, or you are told that you haven't been living in your body from birth onwards, that you made decisions based on programming and fears rather than yourself, and you go to someone for help, and they end up taking advantage of your trusting nature to do exactly what they said they were freeing you from.

And so, you crashed to zero every time.

As they say in Arabic, everything has been good up until now.

Abstinence

This is the sacred month, and this year it actually feels sacred to me, because I have less baggage forming a barrier between me and the divine.

I shall be going into spiritual retreat from today. For my soul has been craving this release and this expansion for ever so long, and everything has done it's best to belittle me and wear me down.

I created the challenges because they were needed.

Now they are not needed.

I have the challenge of having very programmed religious people telling me Islam is the only way forward, and that everything that is written in the books is real.

I have decided to let them be. I will not be Moses, telling the Shepherd how to worship God.

Whatever is right for a soul, is right for a soul.

Whatever brings you back to the purity of your soul, and the fervour that lights up your eyes and hearts, and makes you see and experience the unseen, do that.

I am unsure why I picked to be in such a religion that I do not understand, but there we are.

The more I unravel, the more is revealed.

With or without the person who was meant to be by my side for the last seven years.

I am sure that, in such extenuating circumstances, God will cut me some slack and allow me inside the next dimension regardless.

During Our Difficult Times

'O Soul of mine
You have been born free
Yet you incarnated onto a planet
Enslaved
And you therefore have taken upon you
many faces and roles that you assumed
You needed in order to survive on this
Somewhat hostile planet

Every time you feel you may have found a friend
They fail you. It is just a mirror.
For you must have failed yourself or another as well.
They are your most Beloved teachers
Showing you all the ways in which you express yourself
And are still unaware of it.

Every time you feel you may have created peace
The opposite also occurs.

Every time to speak up for the truth, whether it be yours
Or someone else's
You are sometimes silenced
As much by the positivity of your fellow lightworkers
As you are by the darkness of those who fear the Light.
The more you seek to speak that truth that you hid for aeons
The more others wish to shut it down with their own truths.
This is something we must accept.

You haven't even stepped up to your true life's calling and feel slighted.
Your skin needs to be thickened even more
Your soul must be purified even more, so that all the past mishaps are no longer repeated.

Was the auspiciousness of this era on Earth
Worth all the crap?
To the point it leaves you so bereft of energy and life
You can't even think of an eloquent synonym for crap?'

For many, this year has been a relief of the years of crazy energetics pounding this earth of ours. For me, it has been a sliver of light after many years of darkness. And yet, this year has also shown me how much is predestined.

Matt Kahn says as much, that what if everything is predestined and the free will is how you respond to things? I agree with that point. It makes life feel less constrictive.

In the last month, I have set intentions and cleared my energy. I have gone to energy healings and did my best to maintain connections with people I felt understood me. I was working temporarily in an enrolments office and did my best to set intentions of service and healing.

And today, I've realised that I've made many errors at work that have very real repercussions on people's lives, as well as a monetary and reputational cost for the organisation. I have been humiliated and verbally abused on the telephone. The connections I've attempted to maintain just haven't worked out. My body was in pain from the commute and my personal life became non-existent.

You just accept that this is how it is.

During our difficult times, little can make sense. There has always been a fine line between my acceptance of life being the crapfest is sometimes is and resignation that it will always be this same crapfest.

I have noticed that my spiritual awakening is very erratic.

I constantly fall back asleep, and then I experience life from a very constrained lens, and the people in my life behave extremely bizarrely. In this year of 2016, I have had to stay in a workplace that was killing my confidence and my soul, then remain unemployed and humiliated for a long period of time. I felt intense anger and pain at the betrayal of a so-called spiritual teacher who has, as  lot of them may have done, taken bits and pieces from the font of wisdom and sold it to others for great profit.

Even now, I am writing this but I have had to let go of the identification of being this amazing writer. The only publisher I felt might be willing to publish me has also gone on another path and not even responded to my last messages. I am sure this is leading me to a more suitable life experience for  me, if I but only knew.

I have finished a one month internship position as an administrator at SOAS; it too has left my nerves in shock. I never realised that my presence is enough to make people's content come up. No matter how many intentions, shields, blue light, angels I call upon, never seems to work in the densest parts of central London.

And now I sit here, in a library that ought to be quiet save for a beautiful soul who has been throwing books, papers and plastic bags around for the last 30 minutes, and I write this.

I am having cold-like symptoms which have lowered my productivity, I have woken up from dreams about all the mistakes I unintentionally made at work, I ruminate over the videos of bloodshed and crying children in Yemen, Lebanon, Syria, etc. I look at videos of the state of water in areas where fracking is doing great business.

I also observe the comments I receive on my Facebook updates expressing my frustration about Starbucks and how people I thought were clued in still give them money. I've been told to let live.

It makes me smile inside, that wise, old part of me when I experience these things.

For years, I never was allowed to speak because I feared my wrath, the intense nature of my anger. There is a lot in the world I do not agree with and, at that time, I would just let rip and attack everyone verbally for being "wrong" and "evil".

Now I am aware of my own darkness and my own looming shadows and frequently attempt to jump timelines and reset who I am because it is not fair on me to remain in that old hologram when everyone else gives themselves freedom to change and morph.

Yet, the ones I wish to impact, the ones I wish would see me for my light and loving nature and purity, they have filters that block it from them. They are stingy in their acknowledgement. They tell me things that are new to them, yet I perhaps have already experienced. All this teaches me is to remain humble and never underestimate another person's experiences. no matter how they behave with you, I need to remain in a high state of mind instead of wishing to do the Scorpio Moon thing and lash out.

In all seriousness, if I find the response to this post is harmful to me, and I feel I have to edit this piece I have written and published, I actually will. I might pull the entire article if need be. If my energy still attracts critics and people who never contemplate or allow someone to just express themselves without the need for feedback, so be it.

I am so very tired of pretending to be less spiritual than I am, less connected that I wish to be, less aware and awake than I am. I am so tired of following what the content marketing course told me to be. Blog consistently: once a week at least, and then stick to that regime. That is the way you keep your followers and build traction online.

What about caveats for spiritual dark nights of the soul, major karmic and ego cleansing and a regression into profound depression?

Where is the inclusivity in that?

Did Keats or James Joyce or T.S. Eliot ever have a reliable writing schedule? Perhaps. But I do not!

Sometimes people write for the immense pleasure of writing. Of expression.

We aren't here to sell you gold and glamour of this earthly plane.
We aren't here to make millions through nonsensical stocks and online marketing schemes.

We came here in purity, in service. This earth isn't even our real home.

We came here to awaken ourselves first (because we thought it would be fun) ...and then you all were meant to awaken in our stead - the critical mass, the ripple effect.

Some of us aren't as successful as we had hoped we would be. I am hardly as successful. My words are still furiously misinterpreted and I either attract opinions from religiously programmed souls who wish to impress upon me I am a woman and must cover myself, whilst quoting Hafez and Rumi in the same breath.

Or I have people telling me how crappy my karma is, how my personal objections to how Starbucks and M&S promote the violence and injustice to the world are judgemental and how I really I ought to live and let live.

All I can do is laugh softly to myself. Sardonically, I will admit, but I am as much shadow as I am light.

You can't win, can you?

Maybe I've come to the point I just can't expend any more energy caring about what other people think or say.

All I care about is seeing children covered in blood and crying (or not crying) as their cities and lives and buildings are destroyed by maniacs who rule countries for power and greed. This should NEVER be allowed to continue, YET IT CONTINUES.

I don't care if this too is the balancing out of karma. I know what happened in this area during the holy sacred month of Muharram and the day of Ashura and the aftermath. It is the descendants paying the price.

Still. It needs to stop. Karma can always be balanced in a way that is full of grace and mercy.

These "leaders" have no remorse or humility in their eyes. And yet we still allow them in the positions whereby they make decisions that affect our drinking water, our air, our food, our very sovereignty?

All I care about is knowing the truth about vaccines: do they contain implants and control mechanisms or not? A simple yes or no will suffice.

All I care about is people understand fluoride IS A POISON, non-fluoride toothpaste and reverse osmosis tap machines aren't produced on a whim and that chem trails are REAL. That we actually look up into the sky and realise this about chem trails... and then DO something about it.

All I want is some very wealthy good people to buy out Monsanto and Facebook and Microsoft so their crap can STOP. How is wanting real healthy nutritious food revolutionary or a conspiracy theory?

I have been fully deprived of knowledge of the nether realms, possibly because I get so upset I would explode it or something. I have spent years sharing what little of the truth I know with others who just will not care nor listen.

And now, even when I have quieted down and learnt that I am my own counsel, I still sometimes make the oft-repeated mistake of venting my grief on Facebook. On my own Facebook wall. And even then, there is this inherent need amongst the purest and lightest of us to comment on the rants. All I asked was the opportunity to let me just express myself and my ramblings.

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It would seem that the energies are intense and we all are going through our difficult times.

Compassion is most needed now, as is true divine love for all the parts of me and all the days I have messed up, I have lost my temper, I have lost my mind, I have expressed my deep intense truth. For all the days my efforts were cruelly unreceived, my love was rejected, and sometimes people intentionally deceived me.

---

I do not write to collect followers or fans. I do not write to inspire or heal, as someone I recently met wants to make her mark as a spiritual teacher and was asking me for advice. I was not in the position to advise this person, she is the one who has mentors and a good life full of abundance. Her life is working. When your life is working, it is best to refrain from asking counsel of someone whose life ISN'T working. The writing will come if it is meant to. I only began writing after that sweet soul broke my ego and my heart in to many pieces in December 2010.

I write solely for me, to make sense of this messy life of mine.

I have been given a gift but it is a flawed gift. The more I use it, express myself in the rawness and holiness and depravity that is All That Is, the less appealing it is for others.

Most of my insight from five years ago has also been lost somehow. Most things in this world still do not make sense to my system. I still wish to quit everything and retreat to North India and spend a year in contemplation and meditation with the Dalai Lama. Or somewhere similar with the same ethos of devotion to the Creator in reverent and sincere prayer and meditation and clearing.

I still do not know how to create money, so that I may live in ease and joy on this planet, and not secretly hope somehow a handsome, wealthy soulmate will fall in love with me and solve all my financial problems, so I could take the courses I need to take to elevate my spiritual power.

And so one of my closest friends who has immense inner and spiritual potential and power, is still working at the supermarket I finally left. It is as though all his ambition left his soul when he was halfway through his undergraduate at Kingston University. I have been struggling for two years to ignite his fire again so he can find his way back into his true destiny, to no avail. He is my mirror, and I mirror him.

And so we both remain as we are, until something inside of us shifts forever.
---

We learn when we learn. It is all pre-destined.

---

I write because it gives me relief, the big gaping wound in my soul needs solace and, where it once used to find solace in daydreaming, sleep, cutting my wrists with a sharp blade or starvation, my sometimes tormented soul now finds some relief in expressing the pain through the gift of expression.

---

During our difficult times, I feel it is best we remain silent when we witness another falling apart or falling back into a previous version of themselves.

Who on earth are we to guide or give counsel? It may be a past life being healed, or some other aspect that is playing out, all predestined.

Anyway, if we really cared, we'd actually pick up the phone and telephone that person. If we aren't motivated to do that, and remain in comfort behind a computer or smartphone screen, then I'd venture to suggest that it is best to remain silent.

It has become too easy for us all to administer sermons via social media and typing words onto a keyboard. Distortions are everywhere, and I am not only referring to individuals. The internet has innate power and all our communications are pubic or government property.

Such a farce of a democracy and free society we live in, it pains my mind.

---

I know that I am going through another intense period of falling apart and everything I have attempted to build is once more collapsing.

Why?  I know why.

This time, I'll observe it. It is not in my control. Whether there were spiritual contracts or karmic locks or multiple and conflicting agendas, all I know is that my soul is being burned and purified.

It is much needed and I now prefer it to my ignorance and giving other people ill-placed advice.

The advice I have given in the past was then transmuted in taking away my identity multiple times, struggling to keep food on the table and live a reasonably worthy life.

---

Some people are meant to be forerunners, to argue, advocate, be full of energy and vitality. To actively stop the violence, degradation, disharmony and bloodshed and lies. To travel all the dimensions and be in full service of their Lord.

---

I incarnated this time to fall apart until I am One with the Beloved. In the most mundane sense and within the most uplifted realities.

He doesn't care how long it takes or how many hits my 3D life and personality takes.

Who knew that a lonely and solitary journey could stop tasting so bitter and have a sweetness around the edges?

---

May the Divine love and tenderness envelope our hearts, throats, eyes and ears so that all this conflict begins to dissolve.

- Sukaina Juma
12/10/2016
Day of Ashura and Yom Kippur

A Cosmic Love Letter

I had to listen to this twice to actually comprehend that someone who is teaching spiritual truths actually went so far to tell us how much we are loved and deserve to be here.

With such authority.

Of course, I'm feeling a lot better than I have for a month or so. So it sinks in much deeper.




My skin is vibrating, my heart is feeling relief. My soul feels immense relief.

I will allow you to just take this in and absorb it. My words are failing me currently.

Remembrance

Sukaina Juma

25 July 2014 · 

 

Surely there are people who have chosen REMEMBRANCE instead of this world, so that neither buying nor selling diverts them from it.

~ Imam Ali (a.s.)

What is really cool is that remembrance is more multifaceted than we have been led to believe. So, once you open up your heart and energy to something even more profound, expansive than you've allowed yourself to experience, you pop open an entirely different universe. Every time you remember who you truly are as a multidimensional, powerful soul, the more you awaken the inner prophet and recognise yet another facet of your Lord. 

Rejection and approval both mean nothing, because you have accepted yourself wholeheartedly. You like yourself and you love yourself infinitely. You are your own guru.

Let's keep remembering and reminding each other of who we all truly are and why we are here. Diversions are many, but the pure, shining, beautiful ones are those who keep reminding each other (Faiz Ahmed Faiz, Rabba Sacheya).

Just felt like sharing that :)
Much love xx

The Spiritual Guide

The Spiritual Guide

Rumi

The Prophet said to Ali: "O Ali, thou art the Lion of God,

thou art a valiant knight,

But do not rely upon thy courage: come into the shadow

of the Palm-tree of hope.

Come into the shadow (protection) of the Sage whom

none can waylay.

His shadow on the earth is like Mt. Qaf, his spirit is life

the Simurgh that soars aloft.

Though I should sing his praises until the Resurrection,

do not look for any end to them.

The Divine Sun has veiled Himself in Man:

apprehend this mystery, and God knows best

what is the truth.

O Ali, above all works of devotion in the Way is the

shadow of God's servant.

When others seek to save themselves by religious works,

Go thou, take refuge in the shadow of the Sage

against the enemy within thee."

Having been accepted by the Pir, give thyself up to him:

submit, like Moses, to the Authroity of Khizr.

Whatever thy Khizr may do, bear it patiently, lest he say,

"Begone, here we part" [Quran 18:78].

Though he scuttle the boat, be dumb!

Though he kill achild, do not tear thy hair!

God hath describe his hand as His own, for He saith,

"The Hand of God is over their hands" [48:10].

This hand of God slays his disciple, then brings him to everlasting life.

Mathnawi II 2959ff

She Falters, thy Phoenix

I falter,
I fail to trust this as my new truth.

Dost Thou loveth me so much?
Dost Thou Giveth to me such honour,

that which Thou hast bestowed upon
the brilliant sun and
the mystical moon?

The whispering wind,
the gentle mist,
the cleansing rain,
the transmuting fire?

Thou hast honoured me
by picking apart the threads of
my intricate plans.

I fell
I had to fall
I had to feel Your lack
so as to discover You anew
and to recognise You as

Real,
Infinite,
Love.

Not as the facade I had created.

I
  am
       still
             fall
                  ing
and
       I
          know
                   that
the
      earth
               has
                     been

absolved
               from
                       breaking
                                     my

fall.

If I do not acknowledge and

display

the beautiful plumage Thou hast bestowed
upon me,

If I do not shake these wings o' mine to ascend
or spread them around
Your loved ones
to shelter,
nurture,
protect,

Love,

Thou shalt not mind, Thou shalt leave me be

And replace me with another
who shall love Thee and
She shall rise and soar to Thy bidding

whilst I fretfully pluck
at my wasting plumage,
ne'er to be seen,
in shame and regret.

~ Sukaina Juma
15 October 2011

Deity

And as my Soul dug into the grass, hiding away from the joys of the world
and burrowing itself deeply into the grains of mud;
I could see the sky as the light faded.
The blueness of sky, the whiteness of cloud, the pink of sun
No tears trickled down these cheeks of mine
I wasn't moved by the sight.

But I was grateful that I did not have control over the entire universe.

For He is able to create each day anew, while us hypocrites are left to
play around with His original idea,
and present it to the world with a different slant or angle
in order to make it ours.

I was grateful that I had no control over this black Labrador of mine,
whom I've decided to call Barney,
so as to make him seem ridiculous.

For if I were to control the vitality and the demise
of life and love and contentment,
I would never fall down so very, very deep
that my nails would peel off and bloody my fingers
as I tried without success to scrape myself back into the world of the Surviving.

My chin would never be attracted to that little dent in my neck;
I would not be so meek, that I could longer look anyone in the eye.

I would never know the satisfaction and freedom I get
from completely losing touch with reality,

Which allows me to chop off chunks of my straw-like hair whenever I wish;

Which allows me to talk to myself as I walk along the street,
even when I know someone is behind me
and is tripping on the marbles that fall through my skull,
which make a plonking sound as they fall onto the pavement;

Which allows me to scream and hurler and to wail and to be hollow;

Which allows me to sob loudly and weep silently for hours on end,
changing nothing in the process.

And so I see the sky, now plunged into darkness,
and just like magic the little silver dots appear
in ones and threes.

And I love to see them so far away, silent and durable
and oscillating in my mind. I do not control the stars.

But He does. And I am grateful for that.

Pusique si j'avais le pouvoir de contrôler les étoiles et mon déstin entièrement,
I would be the Deity and would have no one to pray to.

And then, surely, I would be bereft of hope, to the point of nervous prostration.
And just how can one prostrate to oneself?
Just how can one prostrate?



Sukaina Juma
27th April 2008

***

That time period feels light years away, and yet, by reading my work from that time, it is once again afresh. I may now be ready to gain insight from those vague and blurred years.

One incident that will remain with me for quite a while: it took me quite some time before I could sense the warmth of the sun. I was in the garden one day and felt a warmth on my back that seemed alien. And then I realised that for at least a month, I had gone so deep within that I had been unable to feel the sun's rays on my back.

How good it was to feel once again. And it made me wonder why I couldn't before then.

From the darkness cometh the bright pearls of my creativity and expression.

And yet, there must be a more conducive way to do this, mustn't there?

Qui sait?

Hello, you!

 

 

 

 

I want you to know my entire Soul, my entire being. 

I want my smile to be imprinted in your memoire for eternity.

And yet.

I seek the best from God.

And it seems that there's a flaw in the system.

I knew it was too easy to be true. The first time, with you ticking almost all the boxes?

Cosmic playthings, we are. And He's laughing at our ignorance. Yet not ready to show His cards.

Eh, ben. Quoi faire?

Je lache tous les attachements à la mémoire et l'idéal de toi.

Que sera, sera.