because i did this willingly

Picture taken from Pixabay

there are just too many of these intense emotions

i have had to deal with these emotions
this deadness
this pretense
for four months

only to wake up
and find that the reality has not shifted

i mean, it has
but there is massive shadow work going on here

and i just do not understand

the constant collapsing

i keep using that word

because this is what it is

i, too, wish to live a superficial life
a happy one
one that functions

so many things on this to-do list
that remain on it

driving lessons and actually get a driving license
training for various things i may not be able to

so many things on this list

if i was to list them all
i'd be sobbing again in despair
because it feels as though they will not be accomplished in this lifetime

do you realise, dear reader, just how tiring and annoying it is to feel the same things
and go running after one healer, then another, then a third

they all helped. don't get me wrong.

but most could only help to a certain degree.

and i sway between knowing how to heal myself and not knowing anything at all

i got so excited when i met A online
and then H
i just assumed that somehow the bad luck had finished

i thought it wouldn't matter that i'm not earning an income at all
i'm not studying
i'm comatose but not really

i assumed it would all work out
because i did this willingly
because i was free from the matrix of work, taxes, 9-5 drivel
because i had plans
so many plans
because i was living alone and therefore untethered by the
dense energy of the father figure

it didn't
H ended up having his own mental health issues
and didn't want to talk after a really good phone conversation
so I've deleted his number so I won't get tempted
to send him a message when I am feeling lonely

A isn't the right partner for me
funnily enough, he's too desi and too involved with family
he couldn't appreciate my sincere love and affection for him
he doesn't call me and doesn't wish to see me badly enough
he can drive to Bolton and to Leicester for friends he has known for years
but not me
and i understand
who am i except an open healer?
who may be able to activate something
or give some paltry advice about social norms
and how to behave around people
i've become an aunty to dispense advice when requested
and i was doing it otherwise as well

W was never meant to be in my life
yet i allowed him do to his eloquence
and my desperate loneliness
and i feel all empty inside
the words are just words
just like Manu
their energies are similar
both are probably amazing souls
but are messed up when I met them
give me nothing
only take, drain, reject, overly sensitive, harmful, abusive
unawakened

this loneliness is key
it needs healing

i understand why
right now, i wish i could dump me somewhere
until i can sort myself out

but is that how we treat humans?

even the ones who are going through so much?

****

this is a very raw piece of writing
i don't wish to publish it

for it exposes how much of a human i am
a broken woman

listening to billie eilish on repeat
everything i wanted

"i had a dream
i got everything i wanted
not what you think
and if i'm being honest

it might have been a nightmare
to anyone who might care

thought i could fly
so i stepped off the golden
nobody cried
nobody even noticed

i saw them standing right there
kind of thought they might care

i had a dream
i got everything i wanted
but when i wake up, i see
you with me

and you say
as long as i'm here
no one can hurt you

don't wanna lie here
but you can learn to
if i could change the way that you see yourself

you wouldn't wonder why you hear
"they don't deserve you"

i tried to scream
but my head was under water
they called me weak
like i'm not just somebody's daughter... "

ALL RIGHTS OF LYRICS RESERVED - BILLIE EILISH

Surrender to Truths

I think there's great empowerment and power
to be had for being alone
for so long.

Hopefully, when the world goes crazy,
the Universe will have blessed us
with inner strength and detachment
like the ascended masters and saints

Like in the East direction of the Shamanic wheel

Eagle eyes

And we can remain
unmoved

and remain
in full integrity
no matter what...

Because that's the aim
of this life
for us at least...
To fully merge
with the Divine
and be in service

and not allow the losses
and tribulations of this life
and incarnation
make us weak and
fall back into
weakness
and ego

For we will be honoured
To be in that state
Of strength and power
Inwardly

Knowing the Beloved Light
The Beloved
So intimately
That nothing
Can trouble us for long

Because environmental disaster
Is already upon us
And some of us have not seen
Real disaster

And we will cave
And we will splatter
And freak out

And not be able to handle
Floods
Hurricanes
Riots
Water shortages
Poison

I am unsure how people
In the middle East cope
How do they maintain their dignity

It is so difficult when
Fear still grips at you

At your weaknesses

Draws out each one
Silently
Attentively

And amplifies it

I no longer play that game

I saw enough suffering on my screen

And I realised that Palestine is
Still a living hell
And has just become
Another concept

https://pixabay.com/photos/gaza-strip-palestine-3829393/

And we don't care

And nothing is truly changing

So my worries
Are transmuting
My fears are transmuting

To an understanding
That I must be strong

I must be

Otherwise
I'd really be dead now

Or a slave

Or something worse

And I need more strength

And that comes
Again

Through
A true understanding

Of God

Of the beloved

Of Allah

Yahweh

Don't rebel again

Surrender to Truths

Letter to the ones leaving

Hi guys,

Firstly, just want to say I apologise for wasting your time.

Your time, my time, God's time.... Time

Such a precious commodity

in my ignorance, I wasted so much of it

in:

                                         delays

heaviness in my mind
                           body
                           heart
                           thighs
                           legs
arms                                               shoulders

my jaws are constantly heavy,
grindi n  g,
disfiguring my face

feet bound so tightly to old outdated religious ideas

to colonial bakwaas that they made look and feel so damned real

to patriarchy that makes me choke, that rapes me every night in my sleep

to the ignorant ideologies still being forcefully pulled over our third eyes like masks

to distraction upon distraction

yes, Syria and Lebanon are as real as anything

but I'm poor again myself

and poverty is not gracious

the inability to think "right"
same as most people

after so many years of healing
I can help others put back the pieces of their puzzles

yet, moi
I'm still going through complex
PTSD

which tells me I must pay
someone else's rent in order
to redeem my worth

which tells me to take holidays
to be like all of you

yet those holidays

are always alone

always permeated by the intense loneliness

and due to faulty thinking,

I placed trust in a desi man in Barcelona,
I almost got raped last time

back to you guys

relatives who were kind
but stabbed me in the back
and were never there to help

when I was falling
seeing a melted face
in the mirror
all g l o o p y and shit

one of you gave me clothes,
but
it was an afterthought

trying to pull wool over the eyes of a psychic
works a few times
until I wise up

you'd never have given it to your own daughters

people leaving my life

how many meals did you feed me?

how many words did you speak to me?

how many car rides?

how many presents?

how much of my bakwaas did you listen to?

most of you, I have grasped onto

clutching

begging you to not leave

pleading you to not leave

asking you to stay and see me as worthy

not realising what huge lessons you are to me

and the main act of self love is letting all of you

(and please take all of your bakwaas with you

you are the ones to heal it best, not me)

GO!

be free

Be freed from
any contract I may have
asked you to sign onto

none of you truly listen
it is difficult to connect
the time is done
I shifted to a different timeline
so have you

ages ago

why don't you guys send me the memo immediately

i have to piece the information back together
bit by bit

it is difficult for me
these relationships

you realise I'm not from here
don't you?

i came from the stars
a lot of us have
we live amongst you

you see humans

we see much more than that

you realise I didn't come
to follow a patriarchal religion
or insane society

you realise there is a reason
why I write these poems

I'd write songs
if they ever decide to
flow through me

you realise that
the frustration I feel
is very real

the only ones who currently understand
are my fellow shamans
who are going through their own complex PTSD

who are going
going
going
going
going

through
breakdown

yup, another one

even I am

and the little ones who are running around inside of my heart and my mind,
bruised,
cut,
her wrists are still bleeding
her head is still wounded
from the last pounding

they're running around unchecked

I'm such a healer
replacing Light
upon
Light

Feeling such compassion
for the wounded males

for the wounded females

giving them my words,
my energy (and I really need to stop doing that)

I used to take so much energy from others

Little did I know I was
A lighthouse
Who had been attacked
And robbed of any soul
fragrance

Anything left,
I raped myself

I give them my sexuality as well

And it is used
And more is wanted

And all of this is
Still such bakwaas

Still not real

The mirages crumbling in my hands

***

I know, yaar
Pata hai

I created you
I attracted you
There are contracts
Cords
Tareeqa
Rasmey
This is how it has always been done

Qateh rehmi nahi karte hain
Haraam hai

(We don't cut off blood ties, it's forbidden by the Almighty)

Acha, toh yeh baat hai?

When I make a mistake
Even as a pure soul
Upstairs there
Hanging with my Beloved

Did I not understand the fragility
Of human existence?

As an Arcturian
I was invincible

As a Sirian,
I had immense knowledge, love,
Power, wisdom

Even as a Lemurian, there was Grace

But as a human, in the 21st century

No.

No.

No.

C'est trop bizarre, celui ci

why am I the one running after people?

running after

friends?
bloody buses?
lovers?
parents?
cousins?
aunts?
uncles?
cats?
healers?
shamans?
angels?
spirit guides?

my own words?

my own mind and sanity?

I even run after the sun

Nahi yaar
Bohot ho gaya

I had enough to deal with

now it seems that
the darkness that was beamed
sent, packaged
is still affecting my nadis
my neurons
my heart
my eyes
my reality

is this why my feet
are feeling heavy
all over again?

it didn't work out with Manu
and yet I still am obsessed with him?

Sidra was purely manipulating myself and others
with charisma
with love
and jinns
and I still can't get her energy out
of my reality?

this is not normal

I have random people
Londoners
behave with such hatred,
contempt,

I am so tired

So to all of you
with

narcissism
wounding
basic ill manners
ego issues
a desire to harm
and take advantage

Leave

Find your own way

Distract yourself with whatever is good for you

stop
sucking
me
dry

stop
thinking
I'm
your energy
source

stop
throwing
your
wounding
around
like
monkeys
with
coconuts

just
disappear

I am no good
for you

You are loved by the Beloved
Stand up and take note
Be the honoured guest

Once you crack the joy code
You will never wish to harm another

Each of us
will only wish
to give

and to only
take from
Source

***

I'm heading out

I have a much
much
delayed
rendezvous
with
the Divine

you're
forbidden
to divert
and
distract
me
any
longer

- Sukaina Juma
27/12/19

https://pixabay.com/users/skeeze-272447

Alvidaa, janam, alvidaa...

ALVIDAA, to all of the programming that made me what I am NOT.

This week has been a transformational week. I was asked by my Soul (or my programming) to go out and experience the Shia Islamic life I feel so much pain in having to give up.

I met a person who shone so bright and spoke of inclusion and helping the community, yet he was adamant that Islam, the Prophets and the Imams would never let someone with a different sexuality or gender preference pray salaatul jamaat (communal prayers).

So I asked him, "so you're saying that I can't pray in jama'at because I am bisexual?" I was incredulous that people still think of God like that.

That they don't see God is always inviting us.

That we don't all necessarily label and box ourselves into tags of sexuality or religion or ethnicity first and foremost.

A lot of people have politicised themselves via their sexuality. Not all of us do that. Some of us have a different karma / dharma. We have MUCH bigger fish to fry.

As I said frankly to some tharki Pakistani guy in my DMs who kept wanting to speak of his sexual fantasies and pornography to a complete stranger, the obsession with sex that you are commenting on, I find that to be the lowest common denominator for connection.

I am not frigid (not any longer) but what I mean is that the Soul came into human form - we are on a mission to understand WHY and HOW to navigate. The amount of distractions in place on the planet in 2019 is astounding.

I've stopped reading, preferring to watch something on Netflix instead.

Some of us (most of us) have gone through a **** awakening, and are still doing it today, in order to activate 12 strands of DNA and clear the ****. All of it. Grandmother, grandfather, advertising, news media, ignorance, pineal calcification, the whole lot!

I said in my heart, then that kind of faith which he is proposing, is not what God really is aiming for. I refuse to accept that patriarchal, false paradigm.

What kind of God do you wish for?

I spoke of acceptance, he said tolerance.

He and my cousin were quoting Islamic scholar after another and all it did was scrub my soul like sandpaper.

My cousin is the type who will just go to books and scholars, his path is with Islamic learning and mine is definitely not, and I have now accepted it fully.

The Universe is all inclusive. We can't speak for saints we don't have the ability to connect with intuitively. I have tried, and failed (due to pineal calcification and density overload in my system de to more distractions in life).

Then I went to an Arbaeen lecture on Friday night at Mahfil e Ali in Harrow, as I thought it was the lesser strenuous option. I wanted to honour the saints and their sacrifices. No matter what, Islamic esoterics are available and have weight because of the struggle. It's always been a struggle between darkness and awakening.

Shaykh Arif Abdulhussein lectured, and his voice has a very healing quality to it. It softened the burrs that had formed inside of my heart for people. Just being around them.

He spoke of people naturally turning away from eating animals when they sense how barbaric it is. He made a few sarcastic remarks about Khoja community. I could sense his frustration that after 9 years, people still don't get it in the Khoja community, the Shia community, unless they have gone on their own mystical journey and have bene graced by Allah with the gift of TRUE realisations.

Or have read 40 Rules of Love by Elif Shafak.

I was, however, reminded of how he doesn't meet my needs, although he helped me to wake up when I was 22 years old. He is still has the intention of converting people from the lecture point of view.

I suppose, if he did the same as my cousin Amin, and spoke of the ethereal realms, he'd lose his audience.

The people there were the same, it was the same as being at Hujjat or Hyderi (which is not what I anticipated). I almost had a panic attack and had to leave ASAP.

I had gone to mourn on the one day of the year I wanted to mourn. I didn't do Ashura this year because I was rebelling against the programming that kicked inside of me. It was so heavy, and felt energetically like a crown of thorns.

People go to these gatherings like a habit, they talk and laugh, and eat. The woman sitting next to me began filing her nails halfway through the lecture. Frankly, I was shocked.

There were no Arabic or Farsi latmiyyah and no incense was burned for cleansing of the space.

Everything is exactly the same from my place of origin.

Perhaps I am at fault as well. I've been going through so much darkness that I'm nowhere NEAR establishing a new sacred space, a multi-functional sacred centre which fulfils my needs and therefore those of other starseed mystics.

Well, we learn through experience. Next year, I pray to be in Najaf and Kerbala and do my devotion and meditation there, as those are the only places I find true peace. The force is strong there.

On other evenings, I went to the IHRC in Preston Road and was blown away by spoken word poems by Suhaiymah Khan and the documentary The Uprising by Pravini Baboeram.

Yet, being in an Islamic environment, when people have not healed their internal **** and are externalising everything, makes it hard. No matter what I do crystals wise, protection wise, I know I was absorbing and healing some of the stuff.

I start talking rubbish and feel clogged up, heavy and nauseated. Couldn't breathe well either. There still are some wounds related to how I have been neglected by people in this community that I need to heal with Emotion Code.

So, I know I must say alvidaa (farewell) to this community of origin.

I am aware that when I am ready, I will begin the Sufi path with the correct teachers and companions for the journey.

But now, Life is burning away the past. I was thinking of my ex and the last time we spoke to each other in May 2017 and, again, falling back to that which is comfortable and also restrictive.

We are better served to view ourselves as multi-dimensional souls. This is NOT the only incarnation, and a lot is hidden because we haven't been able to detox ourselves of the superficial and the illusions.

Not all of us are going to succeed. It requires a loss of identity, money, people, family, comfort almost every few months now.

For example, I had to give up a regular, paying living wage job that was killing my spirit in order to finally be able to write this piece, two months later

Just as there is no finality in revelation, there is also no deadline for awakening and enlightenment.

All I know is that, for now, I just continue this path of Shamanism and connect with esoteric Sufi Islam.

My love for the Prophets and Imams will remain and hopefully grow. The phenomenon of Arbaeen fascinates me.

Billions of souls are drawn to going to Iraq for ten days to pay their respects to a saint.

Yet, I can't go during Arbaeen due to the crowds and panic attacks.

However, I deeply feel the mystery and the love. The belonging. To Imam Ali first and then Imam Hussain and Hadhrat Abbas.

The latmiyyah of Ali Fani, Bassim Al Karbalaei and others go straight through the cells. The LOVE is truly THERE. Solid. Apparent.

Maybe, as someone I once knew told me, these are the same energies in other cultures, just different names. Such as Quan Yin, Krishna, Shekinah, etc.

But this is ABSOLUMENT the last year I do this. This is the last year I pretend to be member of an old paradigm, whereby people are compartmentalized and no one has tried to clear their own stuff.

I tried that and Allah made sure I lost everything. I just don't fit in, no matter how much I try. This is the real hypocrisy. Life is too precious to continue living lies.

I don't fit, I don't belong, it feels heavy being around this for too long. I have to whip off the headscarf as soon as I can, and control the anger and frustration that gets triggered within (it's healed a lot over the last 12 years).

It always has to be inside first. There's a lot to clean up. Then the timelines shift without us forcing them.

Just accept I'm a shaman healer and starseed and move on. The younger generation have no qualms about self acceptance. I am not that old, yet inside me I feel old and outdated!

I just had to express this aloud today. It has been in my heart all week and now has a beautiful release. I am reborn. I am me. A soul. Always connected to God.

My God is bigger than that. Bigger than all the lies and illusions that we have allowed ourselves to play around in.

We each have very unique journeys and incarnations. Just embrace your heart, heal it, remove the debris and then KNOW who YOU are in your WHOLENESS.

Always remember: we are LIGHT that came into darkness just to unravel and become LIGHT all over again.

It sounds very trite, but I am finding this to be my truth...

With deep respect and honour 🕉️♥️

Subconscious Implosions

Making Allowances

We each are allowed to not cope on any given day. Right now, deep breathing seems to be my biggest issue for the moment.

I've collapsed, imploded upon myself - yet again.

Bringing myself to write this is only because writing in in my blood, my soul and I have been so disconnected from anything creative inside of me for such a long time, I have disconnected from myself.

I had to be signed off from work by a GP who wasn't the best at empathy on Monday, for a week, because I was finding it difficult to be at work, around all the people who frankly don't have the same subtlety that is required for my energy right now. There's such a lack of control, and people are unhappy within themselves and taking it out on me or around me. It's just no longer acceptable.

Total Collapse and Failure

I feel like such a failure as a human being, as a light worker, as a healer, as a female, as Sukaina right now.

But it is what it is. There's not much I can do if my subconscious or whatever has just collapsed and felt overwhelmed. This happens when one is very unhappy with the way life has turned out.

I've been trying to catch up on eight long years of not healing myself in the correct manner.

I finally have someone genuine doing Emotion Code for me, as well as training myself to become a shaman. I guess I broke down because I did this all very rapidly since January 2019.

I have also been to the people who aren't really trained to sort out my energy properly, training themselves. I went to them because that's going to be me at some point. But that wasn't right, and Jane had told me this! You learn the hard way sometimes.

These Cages Are Chafing My Soul

 

My soul is feeling so caged inside this small box of a life I've created for myself, because I thought this is all I could do, all I could manage, all that the world has to offer me.

It isn't as devastating as it has been in the past - maybe because I've been through all of this so many times before, you just look at yourself in the mirror, looks deep into your eyes - and give a huge shrug.

How Is It That Other Healers Are Feeling None of This Collapse?

 

Instagram can be both inspirational and not good for you at the same time. I'm happy for all the artists and activists, etc, who are going from strength to strength in every photograph - not a SINGLE one of my favourite artists or new Pakistani talent seem to be at ALL affected by ascension energies.

Always out, doing something, being amazing - none of this heal your inner trauma and inner child, subconscious trauma shit. None of that - at all.

I find that to be really amazing - how do they pull it off? They evidently are healers - so then?

I don't have much to say - I don't know who I am as the ego is being ripped apart from me daily. At least I've stopped the crying. Some of the numbness has come back.

I'm lacking sleep that has been rejuvenating, and physical energy.

All my friends are away from me during this time - I fell to the position of "begging" my cousin to please call me so I could feel that I have some family who care about me - I even said he was as close to a brother to me as anyone ever would be - he still didn't call me.

NEVER BEG ANYONE, REALLY, TRY YOUR BEST TO SELF SOOTHE.

My powers of manifesting **** masculine energies are always amazing to me.

And also, quite frankly, without any harsh and fiery, or acidic Scorpionic judgements, lightworkers and healers are as messed up as the ones who aren't awake or healers.

Seriously, man!

I still was blessed with having cafe quality cake two days in a row. Jaffa orange and dark chocolate cake, which was amazing - even though I was blubbing tears in front of my manager because it felt so crap I was so sick.

And strawberry cheesecake today.

I was able to spend time with some sweet kids today, and a sweet neighbour.

Almost getting back to normal.

Will have to protect myself from the energy of Brexit because that's half of the reason I collapsed; I couldn't take the bs. I wonder how many counsellors and psychotherapists are having clients speak about the anxiety and sadness this entire fiasco is causing them. Mine had to listen to my own experience of this yesterday.

Life in the UK just isn't ideal for someone like me any longer.

There is hopefully a way to realign my energy towards wherever I need to go, and do whatever I need to do.

Admin is not where I am meant to be.

Come on, yaar... I really need to find a place to start learning to do Bollywood and modern dance.

My brow chakra is quite blown open (sinuses).

God have mercy on me!

Sheru

If I could find the time to find the Tarot deck I have hiding somewhere in my room, I am sure that I would have pulled out the Tower card today.

My Beloved creator, what secrets do You hide and then reveal, smashing it all up?

I thought I was in a good place. But then I realise that this ego of mine ensures that I delay every single good, healing session or action, it blocks it. I forget, or I distract myself by writing to strangers on Twin Flame forums, trying to persuade them to let go of their misconceptions, or on LinkedIn, trying to find some positive networking opportunity that would bring me my abundance.

It's all a smoke screen. Living weekend to weekend, not having souls friendships on which to lean on for love and support, not even BEING that friend myself because I can't cope, and most people I meet, I see their souls and the light and love, but that doesn't mean that there is a real connection.

My routine was changed for me in December and January. Majorly crippling flu that made me go a bit nuts. But at least it allowed me to book all the healing sessions that I have been denying myself.

And, the revelations. This is the second weekend my body feels as though a truck slammed into it. So much old crap that is stuck in my body. I can't speak for anyone else because our experiences are so varied. But my own body, my heart, my mind, my soul...

I've also finally removed enough to get things going. Finally sourced some plant medicine, need to journal every day.

I can divorce myself from the emotions and still see things from the condor's perspective. From soul perspective. This really is just ONE of my incarnations. It feels like this is the "s**t clearing" incarnation. That's all I've been doing, a lot of hard graft and little fun. Leaking energy, healing others through my life and my body and my mind. Portals, and all that stuff that I don't even have a conscious awareness of, eight years after superficially waking up.

I had a really awful panic attack at work on Friday, and that was a very humbling experience, because it was over a really silly mistake I made, and I judged myself and felt so much same. It was also in front of three colleagues of mine, which increased my shame.

I thought I was going to make a new friend, but the experience just showed me to have compassion for myself, the other person and circumstances, and to trust my radar.

These distractions are very valuable learning experiences, and luckily I don't even have to leave home and meet people whilst having them. This is such an introverted time for me, a time of massive self reflection and healing.

People are feeling the pushes and the discomfort, but most still distract and don't have an idea what's going on.

I heard about someone having just lost two young male friends to suicide over the Christmas period. The men are struggling a lot with the stuff, but so are the women.

It's no longer a gendered phenomenon, it's about who has the courage to heal and who doesn't.

I don't, I didn't, and then something awful or humiliating occurs, and I have to put my inner child back in focus. My self love in focus.

Sheru

Lion is a film. It is a divine film. It is a healing film. I began watching it on Wednesday, and cried and cried. It triggered something so raw inside of myself. Children are going through so much, as are the adults.

Now.

In 2019.

Now.

Then I had another Emotion Code session with my practitioner, and my inner child showed her a lot of things very traumatic past life that hadn't healed up until now.

Egypt, child, parents just dumped me in the street as a child and abandoned me. And I had to somehow survive. The police and adults tormented me, tortured me, harassed me, and I died of starvation. This is the second lifetime in Egypt, the first was with Imran - caused a lot of chaos, and died alone - again.

I'm crying as I write this.

It explains a lot about my fears. About being abandoned.

It explains why I used to be devastated every time someone left my life, friends, lovers.

Why I have closed my heart so much, I can't see beyond my pain.

Why I'm always scared of being poor and dying on the street.

Why I cry when I see that this stuff is being repeated daily in this insane planet.

Why I haven't felt safe anywhere on this planet, except in Najaf and Kerbala.

No child should still be going through this. No adult.

And now my life path has become much clearer.

I will work with the children, purely doing the healing work. Clear the emotions as I see them attach, so no one is living the life of a 34 year old but following traumas from birth onwards. Or past lives onwards.

There is now no need for it.

Anyway, what I must stress to the healers and the female twin flames, is please can we get over ourselves as far as the wound about being played a fool by a man or woman? Please can we?

There are bigger fish to fry.

All souls are one soul.

All of us are one soul.

All of us are from the same Creator and we need to do what we came here to do.

I would personally recommend Emotion Code as a good way to clear, and also Jane Ward as the healer. She's amazing, and very affordable compared to others equally good but expensive.

I now have to end, as the processing of this healing is continuing. I must sleep and heal.

I am grateful for this burden being taken away from me, my heart feels lighter, I am able to channel information a lot better, and I was able to do some shopping even though I did freak out towards the end.

Do the healing work until the time you are free. Commit to YOURSELF like no lover ever has or will do.

And be compassionate to all those who aren't on this same path, and those who will not choose to do this.

Because, it ain't easy. And I have noticed that souls have chosen easier and more flowing lives because they wanted a break to enjoy life. And sometimes be obnoxious as a result.

Such is the intricacy of existence.

Flood and Release

I have desired to put my words onto paper for a while.

However, Life has been experiencing turbulence, and I can hardly choke out words.

Daily, I witness with my soul the incomprehensible pain and suffering each human and animal is experiencing. This, of course, includes my current human incarnation.

I witness women who have not spoken for so long, and are now unable to keep silent.

People are still without homes, and yet, somehow, they are producing more children to be brought up in extremely challenging circumstances.

I've been under very difficult circumstances for the past three to four months. There has been no fun, no creativity, just a bunch of crap, to be very honest.

Misunderstandings like no other. Extreme energy loss, confusion. Loss of time and resources.

One positive thing is the ending of all these useless soul contracrs with people, specifically blood relatives. The love was always one sided. Now it is a peaceful distance we have, and energy will restore itself.

Being stuck in role upon role, circumstance after circumstance that are not feeding me; instead it feels as though I've returned to the ghost-like state I had come to London with in 2007.

Can a soul, a life, regress so much?

I'm amping up the healing that I have delayed. This idea that healing takes time is a fallacy.

I made mistakes with a particular Pakistani origin healer from 2010-2016 and am still wracked with regret in 2019, and mistrustful of my intuition and discernment? Surely not?

Delaying our healing only ensures we are living the lies for longer.

Each of my trusted healers can only help me with a part of this mess, but because I have worked with each of them, and have felt the deep, pure love and integrity that comes from souls who went through hell only so as to heal others in that same hell, I can see.

I see that I backtracked in order to become dust upon the path.

Real dust, squeezed from the core of my soul, plucked from my essence.

The prerequisite for this is one humiliating experience, one frustration after another.

Emotion Code has become my saving grace after figuring out who was the right person to go to for healing.

My intention is to refine myself to such a heightened degree, I will actually be able to shift the energy of a fractured soul remotely, without ever meeting them, being beholden to one another, and if not realistic, without their knowledge.

For this is what I am now seeing in my reality. Beautiful, empowered, powerful healers who are NOT afraid of their abilities.

And yes, I was finally guided to them the moment I asked God to stop playing the karma cards with me.

But even when I ask, I'll get a burst of real awareness, and then it fades away.

Right now, I'm feeling very liquid, and high after receiving the 6th and 7th Nusta Karpay shamanic rites of the goddesses.

That then fades away but for now, I feel clean.

Which is why I am expressing whatever this is, on here.

Right now, there is no loneliness. Because we opened up the third eye and the crown, I am currently swimming in a golden river of connection with Allah.

May I fall in love with Thee all over again. You need to regain my trust in Thee. You promised me so much over the last 8 years, and it was all illusion.

No one wants to accuse God of that betrayal, but my human self can only see it as such.

The last so many months, I have been so disconnected from you, the humans and their issues wrecked me.

As did my own.

Let's see how it goes...

Oh, and I finally had the courage to accept that I lied to myself for 8 years.

Imran isn't my twin flame. He will not enter my life in this incarnation again.

He used to be my twin, but since I prayed for release two years ago, on my knees, writhing, the timeline changed.

I'm now okay with the fact I lied to myself, or didn't get the correct alignment with current timeline.

His email to me two years ago threw me off.

Now, in retrospect, I realise it was a "petra", a test, and although I have grown enough not to take his behaviour as an indicator of my worth, I now realise all the time he said he was getting sacred dreams of guidance, I didn't get any dreams or guidance.

In genuinely connected and blessed relationships, both partners dream of one another. They both are connected telepathically. And the boy actually loves the girl. And the girl loves the boy, which I don't any longer. Not in that pure, demented, unconditional manner.

What a waste of my life... Really.

Such a big learning.

At this rate, I think I have made it to remain unattached.

Oh well, the learning becomes less messy with the no one else's life to mess up, or time to waste.



It makes pragmatic and logical sense, but I pray my soul dissolves the loneliness that this brings up.

another way of being

The full moon lunar eclipse. It was a big deal. 

In two months of no rain, clear skies and very hot, tropical weather, it was to thunder and rain precisely on the night of the eclipse - so I am unsure if anyone in the UK was able to view it when it occurred. I am sure there is a message in that for us.

It, plus the retrogrades, is bringing up so many people from my past. People I really do not feel any connection with, who actively seek me out, but then I never know what for, as the connection was broken a long time ago.

Do they reflect back to me darkness? Is it really something I need to see right in my face?

All the traits I thought I had submitted to God, they are gearing up for another round: self-centredness, aggression, victimization, using people for one's comfort, ingratitude, ignorance, ridiculing others, demeaning others, rejection, disconnection when there is sacred love to be experienced...

Being on the receiving side really feels awful. I cry big, silent tears.

Life repeats itself with major misunderstandings and projections. I am okay with all of it, because I don't feel connected emotionally to the people any longer. My auric field is more solid than it ever had been.

Cleansings are being done daily, and showers are a must. With lemon shower gel. They cord in fast and furiously.

All I have to do is realise my boundaries are much stronger, and relevant and reasonable. I isolate myself as that is the easiest coping mechanism.

Although, it makes one wonder if one is still at a lower, fragmented version of life, or is this the reflection of what was once my life?

I never know the reasons why they come back, but not really there. This online business is probably the biggest fallacy and illusion known to humans....

And, the ones I would rather spend my time and energy with...

Are nowhere to be found.

This is an energetic memo to all from my past: I am done. Ended. Not repeating this. Go find you own light and selves.

It is possible to learn the learnings in isolation.

As Rumi said in fihi ma fihi, there is the Muhammedan way of spiritual growth, whereby he was surrounded by those he needed to exercise caution and patience with, including his wives, and companions. And then there is the Jesus way to God, whereby you remain celibate, isolate and have no family. If you can't do it the first way, then by all means find Him the second way.

But the goal is always to find Him/Her and to be absorbed entirely.

That's when the personality genuinely dies, and no longer is interested in the "me" stories, no longer defensive, in separation, unheedful, all talking and no listening.

The end game is sacred Union with God. Let's remind ourselves of this.

If you're working through other challenges, please don't pull someone to you when they finally freed themselves to another way of being. And then others will therefore reflect that same respect toward you in the right time.

We are each our own powerhouses, our own energy sources - work on that

Water says, "How will you be made clean without me?"

Water says to the dirty, "Come here."
The dirty one says, "But I am so ashamed."
Water says, "How will you be made clean without me?"
Rumi, Mathnavi

~~~~~~~

You remove the thoughts that create a life form.

The energy comes back for a while, and you feel like your blood has become liquid gold for a while.

I have more energy.

Two days ago, with the precision of timing that only God has mastery over, and with my surrendering to my intuition, I met my soul mate whom I had not seen in 8 months due to his fears and blockages from his wife.

He apologised to me in very clear and detailed words. no running, no hiding behind a silent wall. I fell in love with him all over again (not that I had stopped). A perfect present... but there is nothing I can do. When someone gives away all of their power to their spouse, whereby she is checking his phone and emails, and doesn't allow you to experience the delicate nuances of human relationship. When he lacked the courage to text or call me in 8 months, and not really care how many nights I cried, or the pain that is still playing up every once in a while... well, then he isn't ready for me to be in his life.


As a friend.

I would never break up anyone's marriage or partnership (how egotistical is that thought? that someone else is the cause or source of my happiness or my peace), and this one obviously has been going very well for eleven years. They had their third child in September 2017.

I ain't that desperate for companionship (not any longer, that is).

I told him, "I know I deserve better."

This life teaches you that there are things that are more important than coupling. being okay with being alone, and being the main cause for this loneliness, for one.

The funny thing is I thought of him two days ago watching one of those YouTube videos about picking cards regarding exes. For him, the green crystals came up, as in he thought of me as a friend and was an angel in my life. All that is true.

But the love between us is so strong, I was surprised after 8 months, I still have exactly the same force of love and attraction and affection towards him. No change. As always, there was the electric charge that occurs whenever we are in the same vicinity, in the same room.

But I am thankfully not the same soul I was 8 months ago. Or rather, not the same human. I am forcing myself to surrender to whatever the reality is.

If I cast so many wicked, dark magic spells upon myself throughout the years and existences, it will take some time for them to wear off.

I had the witch-like entity removed exactly two weeks before. And, after 8 months after being so broken and in pain and hurt, and him ignoring me once when I was at the grocery store, we meet - with the precision of seconds. Had I left work earlier or had I been sidetracked with going to the second building to drop off leaflets for my colleague, I would have missed him. I left the leaflets because they were too heavy. And was angry at myself for not bringing them when it would have taken just two extra minutes to drop them off.

But those two minutes would have meant never meeting my Punjabi soulmate that evening.

He asked me to forgive him... he looked towards the skies in what seemed a gesture of awe and gratitude and said, "Well, it was meant to be that we met".

"I don't want you to think that I ever thought of you in less of a way. I don't want you to think that it was me who sent you that message.

"It wasn't you?"

"It was my wife."

I always am amazed how he keeps calling her his wife, instead of by name. I would always call them by their names. There must be some anger toward her on his part. He must feel the trappings, the energetic shackles and enslavement - he's really not that unintelligent or in denial (I would hope not.).

"You have no idea how many times I dialled your number and then cut off the call."

He alone has the right to break,
for he alone has the power to mend.
He that knows how to sew together
knows how to tear apart:
whatever He sells,
He buys something better in exchange.
He lays the house in ruins;
then in a moment He makes it more livable than before."

Rumi, Mathnavi, 1, 3882

"But I never received any call!"
"Yes, because I cut the call before dialling. I just had no idea what would happen if I did, and I couldn't take the risk. The guilt has been eating me up."


"Ab aisa lag raha hai ke thhora dil ka bojh kum ho gaya..."

Honestly? I couldn't write a script better than this - and he's not even for me. Well, my hair could have been prettier and breath fresher. Haha. Note for next time... except, again, had I stopped to freshen up at the office before leaving, I'd have missed him!

But maybe the script my soul is writing is the one of unconditional love. Not having anyone in your life, and forcing yourself to forgive his insecure wife, his own ego, and release the attachment. To spread your love to others, including some (there are many in London) arseholes that have crossed you.

If he had allowed me, I'd have given him a massive hug and a kiss. But Sukaina was not allowed to show her love and affection to him, as has always been the case. And so he drove off in his silver car, not even willing or able to offer me a lift to the bus stop.

The funny thing about him is I picked up on his beauty whilst walking past his car, and dared to look again - it was my soul that said, "look at this handsome guy. It is safe to look - to engage with life" - my default has been to ignore people and glaze my view. Something about those Muslim beards gets me into a hypnotic state. Thank goodness, he cut it back to regular size. There had been a phase whereby he was doing a some really weird things with that beard of his.

And then I recognised him.

He recognised me.

And I called out, "Can you talk to me?"

He said "I can, now."

And the best thing about him is there is almost no drama. None at all. Comfortable like an old pair of sneakers. Like a fleece blanket. Like my neighbour's cats.  Like a cup of cocoa with marshamllows and cream.

His is a soul I could hug forever. The kind of feeling I want to feel when I finally meet my own life partner. Just warm and fuzzy. Instant trust and faith. God energy.

The refined, perfect merging of the divine feminine and sacred masculine.

For 8 months, my belief has been he just doesn't care. And it is correct - one has to be really distracted and in fear to not clear up any misunderstandings.

A simple text or phone call would be all that it took. But he hasn't gotten to that level as yet.

And on the night of the solar eclipse, he showed me just how MUCH he loves and cares for me. I can never doubt it again. But, again, there was a heat of mutual love and care, of respect and of compassion, and none of the crap that I was feeling before: no anger, no hatred, no desire to get in the last word. I just spoke too quickly again.

It's the kind of friendship we both would grow from and find immense freedom in. And fun. But, as it stands... he closed off at the end, probably feeling guilty about his wife. Honestly, what is it with us humans and operating our beautiful, free existences based on the core trappings of guilt and fear?

I did tell him, "You need to have courage. Aise rishtey bohot kam milte hain. If anything changes, give me a call. Or text."

All he said was, "I'll see you around, maybe." He stiffened up, went back to reality.

I do NOT envy him, in spite of the fact he has a loving wife and three beautiful children, and an active social life, and loving family.

Since this isn't quite working in my favour, more entities are in need of removal, more curses. We both were standing out in the cold on the pavement for half an hour, rather than in a nice cosy coffee shop or restaurant. I didn't even think of asking to sit in the car to talk, and even if I had, I wouldn't have asked. He would have gotten the wrong idea of what my intentions are.

I just hope he chooses me as his spouse or girlfriend the next time we both incarnate together. What the **** is the point of incarnating with all of these beautiful soulmates, meeting them online or in the flesh, and NOT ****ing ending up with any of them? Hello?

This is so difficult for me. We were both here when we were teenagers but I never met him then, did I? I always, ALWAYS, find them AFTER they have already married the women they are meant to be with. It was the curse I put upon myself at age 13. The ridiculous Jane Austen curse.

And I accept that I made such a horrible thing happen to me. I wanted to experience this level of indescribable pain, I guess.

However, after feeling like there was something fundamentally wrong with me that no man I loved loves me back, and each of them have hurt me, Allah graced me with the clear sign that He can make things happen with such precise engineering, I still can't believe it. I've still been going to the grocery store, but never seeing him and have become so okay with it, I don't even look for him.

Allah also is reminding me that, contrary to how my family feel about me, how certain female friends feel, and contrary to every shitty thought I have had about myself and my life, he loves me. No question.

Such a sweet, kind, soft man. So soft and stable and loving, I melt into his energy and never want to leave (unless he's acting upon his ego, which is infuriating).

May I find one with all of their good qualities who had true courage and spiritual fire, such that he knows straight away that we are connected and is willing to sacrifice for the union.

Or else, give me two healthy cats to have as my children!

(Ideally both, but as they say, "laazim nahin hai ke dunya ke saari khushiyan kamaa le tu...").

And then, today, I lost all energy and vitality, I've been lying in bed all day "sick". I hope I didn't create a sadness and frustration entity that's sucking me dry.

Oh, this spiritual path!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm reading a few Sufi books I finally got after my friend got mad at me for not reading from the masters and going to hacks and charlatans for healings and knowledge.

The Knowing Heart and Living Presence, both by Kabir Helminski who has a soft, fluid way with words.

And a book by Chishti about Sufi healing...title to be added when I find the book somewhere in my room.

Starting with what is familiar and warm, what I know... my soul isn't as old as I wanted it to be, and I am now accepting of all of that.

I still mess up in social situations, and still don't have control over my own life... the small things, the larger things.

Experiencing such extreme fatigue and a buzzing that won't let me sleep or meditate or pray. Or do anything I need to do.

All is as it is.

Spellbinding Ourselves Throughout Our Infinite Consciousnesses

*** This is a first draft. I have to write this all down. It will birth when the time is right. For others to heal and NOT make the same mistakes I have made, which have had very poor results in real life. Not for my own egoic ends***

Spellbinding Ourselves Throughout Our Infinite Consciousnesses

It is my sincere desire that not a single one of my years of nothingness and immense pain is wasted. I know I will not have any descendants, progeny, children of my own, grandkids... this is something that wasn't part of my life path this time around, mainly because all children are my children spiritually. But it is my sincere wish that someone, a sleeping Starseed, another humble Sufi-shamanic type of soul will be helped by these words on these pages, these thoughts tumbling out in a wave of overwhelming relief at finally seeing the light of day, of being birthed onto planet Earth.

Of shining a light, of healing at the core - the VERY CORE - of the harshest wounds...

As for what I have experiences in the avatar role as Sukaina, it isn't interesting in the least. With great honesty and frankness, my life will never be turned into an autobiography. It has been bland, boring, caged, and mundane enough to have sent me into regular spirals of insanity and despair.

I will not write any lies or untruths.

I will also not be writing anything too specific about my personal life, because it will NOT interest you.

I have somehow been released from the ancient need to have stories, to have many tales to tell of what happened in "reality" and in "actuality".

That which is important is that the little knowledge and wisdom that I have extracted and absorbed from the soul of each experience was not meant just for me. It can't have been just for my education.

It must have also been for someone else, for the collective of Khojas, of women, of Pakistanis, of British born people in the eighties, for someone else who is connected to me on a soul level.

It has to be. I would only go through all of this for the greater good.

Wizards and witches and Sufi masters will sometimes burn themselves in the harshest fires of tribulation (even when, as was my decision, all of it self imposed and self destruction) so that others can cool their eyes and fertilise the soil with the ashes that remain after combustion.

Then the most beautiful roses and sunflowers and daffodils will grow from those ashes, bring the most heavenly indescribable scents to everyone.

There have been myriad lies told to me, and so, so, so many more that I told myself.  No longer acceptable.

I have blinded myself, gauged my own eyes out in spite, and then complained to God for taking away every single spiritual gift I had. For taking away anyone who had once supported me.

And then, recently, I witnessed a woman crawling inside a window, and jumping off a filing cabinet for me. Just for me. To help me out of the cold, and to help me get home. That was unprecedented.

We basically cast spells upon ourselves, and follow through on those our entire lives.

And then one day, some kind healer shaman soul removes the spell, and we are left with just this.

A bat. A soul fragment from when I was 2 years old. Reviving the belief that love is real.

And...

"A notebook and a pen. 

Start writing..."

I had one simple contract with you guys, with my family: hide the light, just hide the goddamned light.

We broke the shackles again and there's no more hiding.

The light is self explanatory, and it is very real.

It is allowed to shine the goddamned light.

I am allowed to be the light.

You become more focused on your own individual paths | curated post

 

 

Dear Ones, as you continue along your enlightenment journey and understand that the process is about stepping into your authentic power and coming home to your own divine mastery, the way you help people will change.

Rather than repeatedly rescuing others, or telling them what to do, you will begin encouraging others to step into their own power and mastery by connecting with their own truth and wisdom. You will honour their decisions and choices as completely capable souls that are experts on their own path. You will know when to step forward to help if they ask for assistance and need an extra hand, but as soon as they can find their own balance you will release them to their own capable care. You will encourage them to make decisions based on what feels right and empowered for them.

This will profoundly shift the way you interact with others, as well as how you parent, teach, and inspire others. This will help create healthier connection because you will be a safe person to connect with due to your unconditional love, encouragement, and acceptance. This will support healthier boundaries and growth for all. Because you are no longer interfering or enabling, resentments will heal. What is accepted as love will shift into much healthier expressions of caring and support.

As you start to recognize each other as sovereign beings, regardless of how you may be expressing yourselves at any given time, you start to feel freer to express yourselves and move beyond judgment. You become more focused on your own individual paths, and yet are completely willing to step forward in loving service if it is required in times of crisis. You embrace the flow and intuitively step forward or back in whatever ways are for everyone’s highest good. This is the embodiment of becoming guides on earth.

~Archangel Gabriel through Shelley Young

Trinity Esoterics

11 hrs ·