another way of being

The full moon lunar eclipse. It was a big deal. 

In two months of no rain, clear skies and very hot, tropical weather, it was to thunder and rain precisely on the night of the eclipse - so I am unsure if anyone in the UK was able to view it when it occurred. I am sure there is a message in that for us.

It, plus the retrogrades, is bringing up so many people from my past. People I really do not feel any connection with, who actively seek me out, but then I never know what for, as the connection was broken a long time ago.

Do they reflect back to me darkness? Is it really something I need to see right in my face?

All the traits I thought I had submitted to God, they are gearing up for another round: self-centredness, aggression, victimization, using people for one's comfort, ingratitude, ignorance, ridiculing others, demeaning others, rejection, disconnection when there is sacred love to be experienced...

Being on the receiving side really feels awful. I cry big, silent tears.

Life repeats itself with major misunderstandings and projections. I am okay with all of it, because I don't feel connected emotionally to the people any longer. My auric field is more solid than it ever had been.

Cleansings are being done daily, and showers are a must. With lemon shower gel. They cord in fast and furiously.

All I have to do is realise my boundaries are much stronger, and relevant and reasonable. I isolate myself as that is the easiest coping mechanism.

Although, it makes one wonder if one is still at a lower, fragmented version of life, or is this the reflection of what was once my life?

I never know the reasons why they come back, but not really there. This online business is probably the biggest fallacy and illusion known to humans....

And, the ones I would rather spend my time and energy with...

Are nowhere to be found.

This is an energetic memo to all from my past: I am done. Ended. Not repeating this. Go find you own light and selves.

It is possible to learn the learnings in isolation.

As Rumi said in fihi ma fihi, there is the Muhammedan way of spiritual growth, whereby he was surrounded by those he needed to exercise caution and patience with, including his wives, and companions. And then there is the Jesus way to God, whereby you remain celibate, isolate and have no family. If you can't do it the first way, then by all means find Him the second way.

But the goal is always to find Him/Her and to be absorbed entirely.

That's when the personality genuinely dies, and no longer is interested in the "me" stories, no longer defensive, in separation, unheedful, all talking and no listening.

The end game is sacred Union with God. Let's remind ourselves of this.

If you're working through other challenges, please don't pull someone to you when they finally freed themselves to another way of being. And then others will therefore reflect that same respect toward you in the right time.

We are each our own powerhouses, our own energy sources - work on that

lighting the candles, burning the Shadow

The shadow work is being done. It is not necessarily being done by me, but more through me.

There was something that Matt Kahn must have said in one of his recordings, and someone kind posted it on social media. It was about how I as a human am unable to forgive, unable to work through the shadow, unable to heal the emotions, unable to fix my life, unable to open up my third eye, restructure my DNA and RNA structures, unable to astral heal, etc... but You can do it through me. I surrender to this.

It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.

All this means is to pray for others to be free from suffering, rather than to curse their uncouth and unconscious behaviour.

I am finally able to read 40 Rules of Love without entity interference, or without some ****storm beating my energy to a pulp. I am halfway through, and I am fully in love with Shams of Tabriz. The energy of this soul is so overwhelmingly tender yet rational, fallible yet also beautiful. I see his essence gleaming through my cousin. It is an addictive and very attractive energy. I first came across this free, ferocious, yet quiet and gentle, conceding, malleable energy in my "friend" B in Konya all those years ago. He has been the only man to ever read to me, and light a real fire with coals, and to make me tea (it was that fake artificial apple tea, but who cares!). There is something very attractive about that energy in a man. Solidity, groundedness. We listened to Evanescence songs and his English was amazing and he was so articulate, as well. Middle Eastern men, sigh!

My deep attraction for that energy also highlights that is the energy I currently lack within myself. I will cultivate it within me, God willing. As He works through me inspite of myself.

In the book, as in Life, the beggar's face is that of God, the harlot's heart is as pure as a saint, the alcoholic is bleeding from within and seeks relief - God is within her as well. We none of us are to ever judge the appearance of another.

Rule 14
God is busy with the completion of your work, both outwardly and inwardly. He is fully occupied with you. Every human being is a work in progress that is slowly but inexorably moving toward perfection. We are each an unfinished work of art both waiting and striving to be completed. God deals with each of us separately because humanity is fine art of skilled penmanship where every single dot is equally important for the entire picture.

I have a daily Rumi quote that appears on my phone at 8:30am in the morning. Today was one that takes me a while to understand how.

So far, all I have concluded is that this corporeal world is full of crap and density. And for us idealists, who imagine it to be different. that is why we cause ourselves so much suffering. Once we accept Life for being the opposite of harmony, our resistance ceases, and we don't wish for something different. We accept the insanity and find inner coherence.

Or someone wiser than I am once said:

Life sucks and then you die.

:)

Somehow each gives the appearance of the other | Rumi

God’s presence is there in front of me,
a fire on the left, a lovely stream on the right.
One group walks toward the fire, into the fire,
another toward the sweet flowing water.
No one knows which are blessed and which not.
Whoever walks into the fire
appears suddenly in the stream.
A head goes under on the water surface,
that head pokes out of the fire.
Most people guard against going into the fire,
and so end up in it.
Those who love the water of pleasure, and make
it their devotion, are cheated with this reversal.
The trickery goes further.
The voice of the fire tells the truth,
saying, “I am not fire. I am fountainhead.
Come into me and don’t mind the sparks.”
If you are a friend of God, fire is your water.
You should wish to have
a hundred thousand sets of mothwings,
so you could burn them away, one set a night.
The moth sees light and goes into fire.
You should see fire and go toward light.
Fire is what of God is world-consuming.
Water, world-protecting.
Somehow each gives the appearance of the other.
To these eyes you have now what looks like water burns.
What looks like fire is a great relief to be inside.
- Rumi

When you have indulged a lust, your wing drops off

"When you have indulged a lust, your wing drops off; 
you become lame, abandoned by a fantasy.…
People fancy they are enjoying themselves, 
but they are really tearing out their wings 
for the sake of an illusion."

Jalaaluddin Rumi


****

Ipso facto, know what your weak desires and lusts are.... own up to them, face them, know them intimately, why they are there, what you are running from through them...

.....and run the heck away from them!!

Fall back into your divine state.

Easier said than done, or easier done than said?

Water says, "How will you be made clean without me?"

Water says to the dirty, "Come here."
The dirty one says, "But I am so ashamed."
Water says, "How will you be made clean without me?"
Rumi, Mathnavi

~~~~~~~

You remove the thoughts that create a life form.

The energy comes back for a while, and you feel like your blood has become liquid gold for a while.

I have more energy.

Two days ago, with the precision of timing that only God has mastery over, and with my surrendering to my intuition, I met my soul mate whom I had not seen in 8 months due to his fears and blockages from his wife.

He apologised to me in very clear and detailed words. no running, no hiding behind a silent wall. I fell in love with him all over again (not that I had stopped). A perfect present... but there is nothing I can do. When someone gives away all of their power to their spouse, whereby she is checking his phone and emails, and doesn't allow you to experience the delicate nuances of human relationship. When he lacked the courage to text or call me in 8 months, and not really care how many nights I cried, or the pain that is still playing up every once in a while... well, then he isn't ready for me to be in his life.


As a friend.

I would never break up anyone's marriage or partnership (how egotistical is that thought? that someone else is the cause or source of my happiness or my peace), and this one obviously has been going very well for eleven years. They had their third child in September 2017.

I ain't that desperate for companionship (not any longer, that is).

I told him, "I know I deserve better."

This life teaches you that there are things that are more important than coupling. being okay with being alone, and being the main cause for this loneliness, for one.

The funny thing is I thought of him two days ago watching one of those YouTube videos about picking cards regarding exes. For him, the green crystals came up, as in he thought of me as a friend and was an angel in my life. All that is true.

But the love between us is so strong, I was surprised after 8 months, I still have exactly the same force of love and attraction and affection towards him. No change. As always, there was the electric charge that occurs whenever we are in the same vicinity, in the same room.

But I am thankfully not the same soul I was 8 months ago. Or rather, not the same human. I am forcing myself to surrender to whatever the reality is.

If I cast so many wicked, dark magic spells upon myself throughout the years and existences, it will take some time for them to wear off.

I had the witch-like entity removed exactly two weeks before. And, after 8 months after being so broken and in pain and hurt, and him ignoring me once when I was at the grocery store, we meet - with the precision of seconds. Had I left work earlier or had I been sidetracked with going to the second building to drop off leaflets for my colleague, I would have missed him. I left the leaflets because they were too heavy. And was angry at myself for not bringing them when it would have taken just two extra minutes to drop them off.

But those two minutes would have meant never meeting my Punjabi soulmate that evening.

He asked me to forgive him... he looked towards the skies in what seemed a gesture of awe and gratitude and said, "Well, it was meant to be that we met".

"I don't want you to think that I ever thought of you in less of a way. I don't want you to think that it was me who sent you that message.

"It wasn't you?"

"It was my wife."

I always am amazed how he keeps calling her his wife, instead of by name. I would always call them by their names. There must be some anger toward her on his part. He must feel the trappings, the energetic shackles and enslavement - he's really not that unintelligent or in denial (I would hope not.).

"You have no idea how many times I dialled your number and then cut off the call."

He alone has the right to break,
for he alone has the power to mend.
He that knows how to sew together
knows how to tear apart:
whatever He sells,
He buys something better in exchange.
He lays the house in ruins;
then in a moment He makes it more livable than before."

Rumi, Mathnavi, 1, 3882

"But I never received any call!"
"Yes, because I cut the call before dialling. I just had no idea what would happen if I did, and I couldn't take the risk. The guilt has been eating me up."


"Ab aisa lag raha hai ke thhora dil ka bojh kum ho gaya..."

Honestly? I couldn't write a script better than this - and he's not even for me. Well, my hair could have been prettier and breath fresher. Haha. Note for next time... except, again, had I stopped to freshen up at the office before leaving, I'd have missed him!

But maybe the script my soul is writing is the one of unconditional love. Not having anyone in your life, and forcing yourself to forgive his insecure wife, his own ego, and release the attachment. To spread your love to others, including some (there are many in London) arseholes that have crossed you.

If he had allowed me, I'd have given him a massive hug and a kiss. But Sukaina was not allowed to show her love and affection to him, as has always been the case. And so he drove off in his silver car, not even willing or able to offer me a lift to the bus stop.

The funny thing about him is I picked up on his beauty whilst walking past his car, and dared to look again - it was my soul that said, "look at this handsome guy. It is safe to look - to engage with life" - my default has been to ignore people and glaze my view. Something about those Muslim beards gets me into a hypnotic state. Thank goodness, he cut it back to regular size. There had been a phase whereby he was doing a some really weird things with that beard of his.

And then I recognised him.

He recognised me.

And I called out, "Can you talk to me?"

He said "I can, now."

And the best thing about him is there is almost no drama. None at all. Comfortable like an old pair of sneakers. Like a fleece blanket. Like my neighbour's cats.  Like a cup of cocoa with marshamllows and cream.

His is a soul I could hug forever. The kind of feeling I want to feel when I finally meet my own life partner. Just warm and fuzzy. Instant trust and faith. God energy.

The refined, perfect merging of the divine feminine and sacred masculine.

For 8 months, my belief has been he just doesn't care. And it is correct - one has to be really distracted and in fear to not clear up any misunderstandings.

A simple text or phone call would be all that it took. But he hasn't gotten to that level as yet.

And on the night of the solar eclipse, he showed me just how MUCH he loves and cares for me. I can never doubt it again. But, again, there was a heat of mutual love and care, of respect and of compassion, and none of the crap that I was feeling before: no anger, no hatred, no desire to get in the last word. I just spoke too quickly again.

It's the kind of friendship we both would grow from and find immense freedom in. And fun. But, as it stands... he closed off at the end, probably feeling guilty about his wife. Honestly, what is it with us humans and operating our beautiful, free existences based on the core trappings of guilt and fear?

I did tell him, "You need to have courage. Aise rishtey bohot kam milte hain. If anything changes, give me a call. Or text."

All he said was, "I'll see you around, maybe." He stiffened up, went back to reality.

I do NOT envy him, in spite of the fact he has a loving wife and three beautiful children, and an active social life, and loving family.

Since this isn't quite working in my favour, more entities are in need of removal, more curses. We both were standing out in the cold on the pavement for half an hour, rather than in a nice cosy coffee shop or restaurant. I didn't even think of asking to sit in the car to talk, and even if I had, I wouldn't have asked. He would have gotten the wrong idea of what my intentions are.

I just hope he chooses me as his spouse or girlfriend the next time we both incarnate together. What the **** is the point of incarnating with all of these beautiful soulmates, meeting them online or in the flesh, and NOT ****ing ending up with any of them? Hello?

This is so difficult for me. We were both here when we were teenagers but I never met him then, did I? I always, ALWAYS, find them AFTER they have already married the women they are meant to be with. It was the curse I put upon myself at age 13. The ridiculous Jane Austen curse.

And I accept that I made such a horrible thing happen to me. I wanted to experience this level of indescribable pain, I guess.

However, after feeling like there was something fundamentally wrong with me that no man I loved loves me back, and each of them have hurt me, Allah graced me with the clear sign that He can make things happen with such precise engineering, I still can't believe it. I've still been going to the grocery store, but never seeing him and have become so okay with it, I don't even look for him.

Allah also is reminding me that, contrary to how my family feel about me, how certain female friends feel, and contrary to every shitty thought I have had about myself and my life, he loves me. No question.

Such a sweet, kind, soft man. So soft and stable and loving, I melt into his energy and never want to leave (unless he's acting upon his ego, which is infuriating).

May I find one with all of their good qualities who had true courage and spiritual fire, such that he knows straight away that we are connected and is willing to sacrifice for the union.

Or else, give me two healthy cats to have as my children!

(Ideally both, but as they say, "laazim nahin hai ke dunya ke saari khushiyan kamaa le tu...").

And then, today, I lost all energy and vitality, I've been lying in bed all day "sick". I hope I didn't create a sadness and frustration entity that's sucking me dry.

Oh, this spiritual path!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm reading a few Sufi books I finally got after my friend got mad at me for not reading from the masters and going to hacks and charlatans for healings and knowledge.

The Knowing Heart and Living Presence, both by Kabir Helminski who has a soft, fluid way with words.

And a book by Chishti about Sufi healing...title to be added when I find the book somewhere in my room.

Starting with what is familiar and warm, what I know... my soul isn't as old as I wanted it to be, and I am now accepting of all of that.

I still mess up in social situations, and still don't have control over my own life... the small things, the larger things.

Experiencing such extreme fatigue and a buzzing that won't let me sleep or meditate or pray. Or do anything I need to do.

All is as it is.

before I lose myself almost entirely... again

Abundance is seeking the beggars and the poor,
just as beauty seeks a mirror.
Beggars, then, are the mirrors of God's abundance,
and they that are with God are
united with Absolute Abundance.
Mathnawi 1, 2745 - 2750

Someone says "I can't help feeding my family.
I have to work so hard to earn a living.
He can do without God, but not without food;
he can do without Religion,
but not without idols.
Where is one who will say,
"If I eat bread without the awareness of God,
I will choke."

Mathnawi 2, 3071-79

a subtle truth, or two

You really cannot force things, and this is what I will learn. You can't force family to be family. Friends to be friends. Lovers to be lovers. Jobs to be jobs. Opportunities to become opportunities. Understanding. Spiritual advancement.

You cannot force them. You can release them to the winds, the beautiful, gentle, wise winds... as everyone and everything is free.

None of this is needed when you truly accept the Creator as your support, the earth as your mother, the sky as your father, the stars as your siblings, the grasses as your carpet, the animals as your friends.

I have been stuck in this limbo for two months, not much use to myself nor to others. It pains my heart when I am useless to others. And yet, I keep ensuring that I am.

The rivers cleanse me and then I feel better.

This eclipse is solely to release the impurities that we accumulated, even if we really think they are good.

We can open up to our kheera, and I wish for myself at least that I understand that what is good for the soul will usually NOT be good for my ego and my ego will feel fear and panic and kick up a fuss like a trapped tiger.

When the people who used to respect you, stop respecting you in the name of their own peace of mind, it is time to ask yourself why you have stopped respecting yourself. Why you still feel as though you are worth less than what is your birthright.

Understand that people are very psychic and pick up on your limiting beliefs and energies and respond to them mostly, unless they are more powerful than you are in spiritual purity, and can sidestep it and bring in much love.

People think I don't know. I went through a divorce 7 years ago and have only now felt as though I am at peace and ready to move forward. And I only allowed myself crumbs of a romance... the dredges that could be begrudgingly bestowed upon me.

But who cares if I understand, when I make a mistake, it blows up and hurts me more than the other person, because I felt compelled to say something helpful. It wasn't helpful.

Even when your soul is so strong, you can still insist with God to make life easier. You can. We don't need to finish off all our karma in one hit. Life is a blessing, being on earth is a huge blessing, so let us enjoy it and allow ourselves to see beyond our limited viewpoint of what we WANT.

There have been things in the past I saw clearly but I doubted myself and butchered it all because the others didn't see it, or made me doubt myself. And this is why I am no longer seeking to become a teacher, or a counsellor. It is not for me.

I have always wished to sing professionally, play musical instruments and dance. And all of these things were kept away from me in the name of God, modesty and "no one will marry you".

I remember being so obedient, I threw away my recorder into a hedge when I was 9 years old, because I felt I would otherwise NOT be pure and acceptable to God.

Interesting how this occurs. When people ask me what I really want to do, I can't tell them this is what I REALLY wish to do, because of fear of being ridiculed, judged.. and also, I feel how on earth can I do this, and isn't it too late and x y z...

Well, see, we all have dreams and desires that do not occur. We set it up for ourselves to LEARN and if we don't learn, then we repeat it in a louder tone.

I remember that Imam Ali (a.s.) has said, "I do not know what to thank you more for: the blessing and desired outcome that You bestowed upon me, or the desired thing You insisted on keeping away from me. In both cases, You have deeply honoured me." I have taken artistic license to paraphrase the words, and keeping the essence intact.

Just FYI.

As I told my probable twin flame, a real Sufi welcomes the thorns with as much enthusiasm as she does the rose, because they both are destined and from God. Everything that comes from God must be good, everything that has happened up until now has been good.

We have the means to improve upon it, for sure, with awareness and with humility and gentle kindness.


But it takes a truly advanced and proper gangsta soul to REALLY feel this in the gut, and the heart, and the cells, and the eyes, and the ears, and the throat, and everywhere else.

I certainly am not that pure yet, so I must refrain from telling this to others.

Even though I can see, and I DO see.

Because this sight causes much pain to self, I chose to shut it down. It isn't pure, yet. there are many filters still there, blocking the truth of the truth. There will be a way forward for us all. I will regain my eyesight fully at some point, because it is very much needed for many different things!

I know, same as anyone, that you don't need to believe in or know anything in order for it to still impact you. I didn't know about Venus retrograde when I met my twin flame seven years ago, yet we met right smack in the middle of a Venus retrograde and that is why things unfolded as they did.

Utter ****.

We both tried so hard to love each other and to connect, to meet, and nothing worked. All we did was fight, and I would question myself afterwards, but I love him! So why would I just get so angry and fearful around him? Why does he keep not wanting me, running off, then coming back? And then there were secrets and lies and untruths, that I was not aware of. Until I got so tired, I just told him to go away. And then I couldn't let go, and my entire self collapsed. I didn't get a qualification I had worked so hard towards getting, and friends just bore my woes because I couldn't bear them alone.

The point is, whatever happened was helped along by the stars and planets, so both he and I could wake up and open our eyes a little bit, for a little while. To see we needed to heal ourselves. To get over ourselves.

Sometimes this knowledge allows us to not judge ourselves and our lives so harshly, that something is wrong with us or God has it out for us. As the twin flame told me a year ago, God is not a little kid with a magnifying glass out to get you, you have to TRUST him!

At the time, I said to him, yes, I trusted God and my intuition, that's why I wrote to you and confided in you. Well, look what happened. You just razed any last hopes of some sort of connection to the ground.

And now, I know that I will just match my core essence energy (not my current human state, which is not coping well) with the people I wish to surround myself with. It may mean moving somewhere where those people actually ARE. I have to be ready and prepared to go out adventuring and trusting that there will be the earth and the ground there to hold me. I would have seriously considered studying in Iraq or Iran in the hawza, after seeing the positive effects cloistoring oneself in a seminary has had on my three male cousins, but it is not the place for me.

It is not the ideal place for a woman who will not wear the veil because someone said it makes her more modest and pious (even if it does, which is not the case for me. For me, I feel suffocated).

They have shifted so much in a year, I can just see the luminous light emanate from them effortlessly. They don't even wish to hide it. They are confident and comfortable and have faith and ideas and articulate them with power. I may have reservations about Islamic governments, but if you find the correct hawza/seminary to learn REAL mysticism, magic occurs.

I will find my home, I am sure.

And sometimes, people such as myself, will use this mystical and practical knowledge and make a noose out of it, happily place it around their necks, and pull the trigger as well. It happens a lot in many online communities. Because we forget that we still need to find real life schools and places of meeting where we can commune with God.

In my personal case, a 16/7 karma doesn't have to remain so. Who said so? My mind said so. Well, my mind needs a beach holiday!

Peace

Water to a thirsty Soul

My mentor is upset with me. It is not the first time that the people I ask for guidance feel upset with me.

It makes sense.

If you tell someone some easy steps to gain a stronger spiritual energy, and that soul remain stubborn and encompassed by ego, how can one not get annoyed?

You, as the more advanced being, see very clearly what needs to be done. You have been granted the gifts of the unseen, have seen some incredible things, may even know how the threads of the universe work, and you see potential in someone, or that person has asked for help, you give it and then they toss it to the ground in fear: you feel a bit worn and disappointed in your protege. To the point you are aware she is not ready, and so you let it be for now. After all, your time is so very precious.

"Do you meditate?"

"No, I was, and then I wasn't feeling well..."

"Just a simple yes or no is good enough. Do you meditate?"

I became all withdrawn and sullen.

"No."

He smiled: "Not at the moment"

"You complain and make excuses. I told you to write, and you insisted on going back to your old blog, complaining and repeating the behaviour of the past." He stopped to think. "Well, anyway, it's not as though you are writing anyway. Never mind, let's just get the healing done with."

"Your ego has taken over, it is very much there. You don't let go, you keep holding onto things... so if you're so full of stuff, then God can't come inside. He will still help you... but... You have to surrender"

 I filled in the gaps: you won't get the experience you wish, because you didn't make space, you didn't surrender to God.

You know you have found the right teacher when they make you just the right amount of uncomfortable as they show to you ALL of your limitations just by one glance.

I couldn't speak after that. Apparently, my going for walk whilst listening to music cancels it out, because the body isn't getting the benefit when the mind is distracted. I got upset, not because he was right, but because I am sure somewhere in my last 7 years, I knew about mindfulness and now seems I have forgotten all the useful knowledge.

Instead, I am pining away for a life partner and unsure where to go in order to at least meet someone and make friends. It's never going to be about a fling, about getting it out of my system. The one thing I know about myself is I have to choose very wisely, someone who is willing to stay with me in spite of all of the discomfort and flaws and someone who truly is submitted and down to earth.

When I spoke to my mentor, the furious intense love for him suddenly appeared again in my heart. I didn't really ask for a healing. Speaking to him is usually healing in itself. I was craving his company, and I couldn't be honest about it to myself. After all of this time, loving someone so ferociously still seems like a huge crime due to religious and cultural conditioning. It is agape love, the highest form that usually gets mistaken for the more earthly defined forms.

For those few minutes, connecting with a soul mate half way across the world, makes my loneliness dissipate, makes me have hope that I will one day be able to travel once more to Canada and the US (for, in spite of all the darkness erupting there, there is ALWAYS light).

I hadn't seen him on video chat for at least a year. I didn't realise just how much I missed him until I saw his face smiling at me. I stared at him throughout, it was a similar feeling such as water in an oasis to a thirsty Soul who has travelled the desert for miles without recourse.

Sort of like a Shems - Rumi meeting, but obviously that has an entirely different level to it. Rumi as very willing.

And all I was doing was unable to open up to healing, defenses were up and the mystical, cryptic manner in which he gives his pearls of wisdom makes it so difficult for my mind to understand.

Anyway, the idea is simple... be happy, be grateful, meditate, wake up at dawn, write for ten minutes daily for 40 days and things may shift.

I am unsure how he knows this, but I know he is the real deal. A year ago, he may have had gaps in knowledge but in a year he has been in training and I haven't been. So he is more ahead of me and closer to God than a year ago, whereas I have no idea what my state is.

It is so useful to be away for a year, and focus only on study and contemplation. Qom and Iraq would never be right for me as a woman who is therefore forced to cover up in black and remain segregated throughout due to the presupposition that all we think about is sex, yet perhaps India or Turkey might bring me some relief.

I will open up to the Universe to take me away for a seclusion for a year to connect. Why not? it is another experience. Living in London, how can you do these things with ease? You have to go away somewhere. All of the teachers do in order to open up.

Choose to do fun things. I couldn't really say what fun thing I wanted to do in that moment.

It is okay.

The more we judge the sadness and negativity, the more it burgeons up sometimes. Because our ego is our unhealed inner child.

After all of this, I have realised that I will be choosing a slower union with God, a slower ascension in order to have a balanced life on this earthly plane.

I still haven't written that short story, the energy of creation has been at a low ebb for all that time.

I still haven't begun my new job due to subconscious blocking of it - the self destructive behaviours are still running, and it is hopefully going to shift.

"Once you take care of yourself, the other things take care of themselves..." My mentor has been strongly encouraging me to find someone and "have fun". Doesn't have to be a long term relationship, just someone decent to experience that very important part of my life that I haven't yet experienced. Relating to a man without being threatened by his masculinity. Relating to a man like he has a full range of emotions and experiences, just like I do.

But, where would I find such a man? I told my mentor I am not the type who goes on Tinder. He laughed.

The only man who came close this year was the nurse I met in hospital when I went with my aunt. And that meeting was literally three minutes, we both were smitten, he had to leave and I haven't met him since.

They say that you have to do a lot of work in preparation before you are i na place to be with the love of your life, or the lover for that time period.

But what if I arranged to remain single for this lifetime in order to become superly spiritual and amazing in that way, submissive and a powerful healer.

The thing I didn't realise is that, when I am single, I don't really feel that great and I don't feel like going out to help other people lead happy lives! I find my energy levels remain low when I am alone. People don't want to be around me, and I understand why!

Happiness is so key. It isn't found in a person, or an event. It is a frequency, just like beauty, just like clarity.

I watched an Abraham Hicks video today that spoke something similarly.

I have spent my life worrying about the state of the world, that my own life eked away into nothingness. I allowed my mother and my father's harsh and critical words chip away at my self worth, until I became so armoured I couldn't even recognise an ally when he came into my life.

I still blame my parents for not seeing me in a more positive light, but what does that do except allow them more power over me?

There are no more pedestals for teachers. We all are on equal playing fields. I am very much allowed to write how my current state is, even if it is heavy. Yet, that doesn't help the reader, does it?

So being single isn't conducive to my health, physical, mental, emotional, and definitely spiritual. Being desperate isn't conducive to anyone, either!

I have to let go. Of everything that isn't really true for me.

What is true for me is that, rather than looking to my mentor like a hungry woman in need of feeding, I have to ability to look within and find all those qualities within.

I find the truth in Rumi's sayings, but I have stopped living them in my own life.

As for this same old blog, with the same old circling material, I am unsure how to end it or progress forward with it.

It is a way for me to process my own stuff, and perhaps learn from it somehow. Maybe this one needs retiring. Divine timing means I will become the writer I wish to be when it is time.

The funny thing about my mentor is that the twin flame energy will burst forth when you need triggering. He reminds me so much of my ex, and it is good for this for my own growth.

Any desires I had to be with the twin (a lot of people keep saying the eclipses are going to bring truth to the forefront and no denying it, blah blah) has been dissipated after my interaction with the mentor. For it is interesting that I can't allow him to help me. That I became a bit sullen and withdrawn, when I don't wish to be. I wish to be as positive in mindset as he is.

And this is just a relative, a cousin, a soul mate, a teacher.

How on earth would I be able to cope with the real deal if I have not healed all I thought I had? Not really an option.

Well, I didn't meditate. But I did write.

Oh my Soul, let's change this to a lighter life. One whereby you actually remember what it feels like to have genuine fun, and you have it often! This continual spiral of ascension energies and tiring yourself out, it's no longer necessary. You don't have to prove you're more spiritual than anyone else. Because you aren't.

Practicality demands that you focus on finding a soul mate to live a good life with, so you can feel happy inside and spend quality time with a new loving male soul, unattached, without all the karmic sludge all previous relationships have had, and that means changing all the contracts and allowing the romantic karma to be healed in some other lifetime.

You are not strong enough, and this isn't working any longer.

"Learn to be Merciful to yourself..."

The minute you try to seek another person's approval, whether it be a mentor or a friend or a family member, or even a reader, you have given away all of your power once more and this will continue until you stop it.

So stop allowing it to happen.




This is probably going to be my last blog post on this blog for a while.

We shed the old and useless coping strategies and seek a purer way of being. I know how to write these things, but I am not incorporating them in my essence, my being. I am a husk. All that is false has been stripped away, and all of the hidden layers are now being shown so they can also be ripped away.

I thought I was doing okay on my spiritual journey, and my earthly journey, but I am not!

It is always a learning process. For me, I need to stop. And take stock. And take care of myself.

I can't go around with the mindset of saving or healing the world. It no longer is required, for everyone is waking up.

The divine masculine is now waking up, I am seeing it in my own family: my cousins, my father, my mentor, my friends and my counsellor.

No more feminine sacrifices needed or desired.

I'm Not That Kind of Lightworker | Curated Post

I’m Not That Kind of Lightworker 

 

https://www.lovehaswon.org/love-blogs/im-not-that-kind-of-lightworker

April 02, 2017

By Victoria1111, 04/02/2017

Earlier today, as I stepped outside to enjoy a very rare treat of warm sunshine, I noticed the chemtrail thugs were at it again.

“You fuckers,” I mumbled.

Then I heard the words of others throughout my life, including some in the Ascension community:  “Language, Victoria.  Watch your language.”

Then I remembered the movie “Michael” with John Travolta, 1996.  He’s at the breakfast table, shoveling large piles of sugar-coated cereal in his mouth.  The newspaper people are asking him questions about his unusual behavior.  For an angel, shouldn’t he be clean.  Shouldn’t he have a halo. Shouldn’t we be hearing beautiful harp music around him.

Michael leans in, smiles and says, “I’m not that kind of angel.”

Well, I am not that kind of Lightworker either.

At least not all the time.

 

I am the type to stir the pot of Truth with a beautiful chalice, pulling out all the dirt I can find, then pointing it out to people while saying “Look at that crap! Do you see it?  Let’s get to work cleaning it up!”

I have a deep abiding Sense of Purpose to Help.  To help uncover Truth. To help share that Truth.  And to help ensure none of us are ever victimized again by those who have shielded us from the Truth.

Yes, there are different types of Lightworkers.  I am one part fairy/angel of soft gentleness combined with one part kick-butt Rogue Warrior. Always coupled with a massive wall of compassion and humbleness.

Well, most always.

So when I see others who call themselves a Lightworker claim there is really only one real type, I say nonsense.

We come in a variety of packages.

All with the same purpose.

To spread Source Love.

To speak Truth.

Sometimes gentleness is called for.

Other times the Warrior needs to come in and clean house.

For you see, Love In Action looks different in all situations, especially in the world known as the Matrix.

For to break down such a system requires ALL types and beautiful varieties of Lightworkers.

Those who put sugar on their cereal.

And those who don’t.

It's Not Him I Lost - It's Me I Lost When He Left

I never thought it would take me this long to get over the man whom I count as my first love.

The interesting fact about human beings is that we can be highly intelligent and even intellectually superior on so many levels about our personal lives. We try to use our rational logic as much as we can in order to survive in this world. After all, this is all I've been taught in the western educational and training system. Of course, I am now waking up to the fact that we are now making way for emotional andspiritual intelligence. We are recognising that our empathy and our creativity will probably allow us to survive somehow the catastrophic events that we are witnessing daily.

Yet, when it comes to the most soul baring, identity stripping experiences, where does the logic even decide to come in? It arrives and stands besides you, as you agonise and ooze out all sorts of illogical emotions and cuss at the object of your desire when he rejects you.

Yes, I never met the guy in the flesh. So what? I never thought this would happen, falling in love with typed words and photographs on a computer screen. I don't plan on writing an entire novel about it. It's a non-event.

"You fell in love with someone you never met. Ahhhhhh, yes."

I met him online in August 2010 and it only seems that now after writing him two final emails in the last few weeks and my receiving two back (it is a huge reality check for me as to how fundamentally he has changed inside of himself in the last year to be that quick and civil in responding to me). I have real closure. Trouble is, I still never find the inner courage to open up his emails as soon as I see them in my inbox. They always shimmer with his light, his love and his energy and it makes me weep. I still need to build up courage to open them up a few days later.

Once, I remember, it took me two weeks before I somehow was in a neutral space to read his message to me.

I get images flashing through my mind about all the fun he is having with his partner. They travel the world, you see. Business class, you see. Cycling in the lavender fields of Marseilles and snorkeling in the clear turquoise seas somewhere nameless in the world. I HAD asked him where the photos were taken, but he was being his usual secretive self and never answered me that. So I'm guessing the Bahamas or Dominican Republic. The ocean was so clear that his dark, silky hair had made a soft crown all around his head.

My heart softens whenever I think of him and then the grief pours out in tears. For six entire years I have cried over my loss: over what I see as a stolen opportunity, as my never been given a chance to show my light and love in a relationship with someone I actually connected with so deeply.

The tears never seem to want to dry up. Neutrality and even indifference I have prayed for, yet this gullible, softening heart just cannot seem to understand those different opposite states of being.

What really hit my ego, identity or pride was what he wrote in his final email to me last week, "I never thought I would find someone perfect for me, until I met my Mrs."

It really pained me, and I started getting the thoughts back in my head about how ridiculous I was being and about how I was never good enough. To him, he was just stating the facts. For me, it seemed to say a lot about me and my flaws than it did about him and his life.

After a week, I am slightly more settled in my being. Only slightly. I still am weeping massive tears during adho mukha svasana (downward dog pose) in my yoga. To the point, the mat becomes slippery because it's so wet.

What I have never, ever understood is HOW on EARTH did I fall for someone so hard and deeply, when even I was fully aware we were not at all compatible? He is handsome and has very beautiful, expressive dark brown eyes, but so do a lot of men! His lifestyle is what I label as active, rushed, swanky and luxurious. He wears tuxedos to formal events and when I saw that photo of him at a wedding, something inside of me shuddered. It spoke of conformity and I have been doing my best to break free of that level of artifice in my own self.

I am more of a hippie, constantly seeking inner and thereafter outer freedom. So I eat simply and mostly vegetarian food sitting on the floor. I am constantly seeking my purpose and a way to make my own mark upon the world. I love to travel, we do have that in common. I'd be happy in a Buddhist temple meditating and learning or on a yoga retreat on a delicous beach, he would be trekking or touring somewhere. I also have had certain health issues that have limited my activities and ambitions for the last few years.

He never understood that, and wasn't prepared to take it on as part of his day to day life. I entirely agreed with that, but I never realised it would take me 6 years to recover and even then, not entirely.

Memories we keep in a box

And I asked myself today, "Really, Sukaina, you knew then as you know now that you guys would never be able to be together as partners. All the intense emotions, the complete blankness and inner excavation of your heart and gut that overtook you from 2010 to 2013 - yes, they all happened. He was oblivious to all of it, and had gotten married to his girlfriend by then.

So what is the real issue here? Why are you still crying over a phantom?"

I had even hit myself on the head with a blunt object until I bled when I found out he had gotten married and never even thought it would be kind to let me know when he had proposed to her. So that this stubborn and ignorant heart would stop loving him and praying for him to come back to me, to give me a chance to at least speak to him and meet him.

But what we must always hold clear is that this human existence is one that can be extremely trying to us and very confusing. What people do in one frame of mind is possibly their only recourse at the time.

We must let people go to the extremes of what is considered appropriate behaviour at times. Even and especially ourselves, as judgement doesn't suit the expansion and growth of the soul. So what was needed at the time for my growth as a person is no longer required.

At the time, to me he was the perfect person for me. I had never met anyone like him, with whom I could have a proper intelligent conversation. When we spoke, the air sizzled. My heart would beat very quickly, to the point it would physically hurt and cause breathlessness.


But that was then, in 2014. If we put aside the fact that I am yet to find someone with whom I had such a close connection with and if we put aside my current living circumstances that seem to close down on my desire to experience life as I'd like to, what is really going on here?

Why do I feel so lost, as though a part of me will never be replaced unless he is in my life somehow, in any limited capacity?

And softly, my heart responded.

"You miss yourself, not him. You lost yourself when you met him."

Mosaic of my psyche

I cannot argue with that. I just cannot.

I remember clearly that after he wrote me a few abrupt texts and decided I wasn't worth any more investment of time and energy, that version of me began dying a slow painful death.

Time slowed down and my mental functions slowed down as well. My body began hurting. I couldn't sleep at night. I kept weeping and scenes of my being run over by cars played in my mind constantly, especially when I was walking down the street. I stopped reading the books I had been reading and I stopped drawing mandalas. I still haven't drawn a mandala in six years, whereas before meeting him I drew them very frequently to help me calm my manic mind and the anxieties.

Courtesy Emmanuel Dagher

The person I was when I first met him and interacted with him is not the person I am now. She was naive and gullible as hell, and very sweet and childish. Extremely introverted, she lived her entire life through her imagination, books and film. She had complicated emotional issues as well and was still very disassociated from her entire body and being.

She didn't know how to interact with a man in a romantic capacity, since he was the first person to ever show serious interest and she had had a very sheltered upbringing. She was so shy, she told him to wait for a month before they spoke on the phone. And when they spoke, she had become so angry at him because he wasn't replying to her texts as frequently as she would have liked that he hung up on her after five minutes.

The words wouldn't formulate in her mouth. She felt intimidated and scared by him as a result of the intensity of the attraction. It was an effort to pretend to be a regular human being in front of him, when her entire body and mind had fallen in upon themselves.

It was around the time she met him that her dark night of the soul began, and everything fell apart. I mean, everything. No interests, no life goals, little sleep, little confidence, and the two things she prided herself on: her intelligence and her writing, they all dwindled into nothingness.

She stopped writing, the words wouldn't formulate... and she stopped making sense.

She cried a lot, and sought solace in New Age spirituality. She went to healing workshops which focussed on clearing past life contracts and relationships and learned that 80% of the energy, beliefs and thoughts in her energy field and pores were not even hers. She learned about epigenetic research, spiritual cords and how when you are obsessed by someone, it is because of the unhealthy cording in your solar plexus and that the cording is hooked into a core belief that needs healing.

She became even more of an alien to herself.

Her parents couldn't make sense of the new version of her she was becoming and attacked through their words and actions. He friends stayed as long as they could until something about her heaviness put them off so much, they left as well.

The funny thing is, she could see all of this as clear as day. And just couldn't shift it.

Black dog, Winston Churchill used to call it. I called mine Barney, so as to make him ridiculous. I couldn't laugh at it much. Still can't, to be honest.

That was then. She survived the cold, empty, loud nights by buying a battery operated Alan Titchmarsh second hand radio from a local knick knack shop and listening to the inane conversations on Absolute Radio. The crazy radio presenters really saved her life some nights. They would say something so obscure and ridiculous that she would chuckle into her tear soaked pillow and then be able to sleep.

She would look in the mirror as she forced herself to brush her teeth and just didn't know who was looking back at her.

Was it him?

Was it her?

His voice reverberated in her head, the phrases, the fonts, the laughter... there had been one good conversation. A few very fun and loving online conversations on social media.
 
His eyes blazed into hers when she closed them at night and she felt her heart sinking and leaking all over again.

She began overeating and developed a sugar addiction that only recently was diagnosed.

On the bright side, she came across dozens of very creative and healing sad Bollywood and Pakistani Coke Studio songs such as Chayi Hai Tanhai, Paimana Bideh and Neun La Leya to reflect the pain and disintegration of her being. More recently, the first Alan Walker song, Faded and Umer Farooq's haunting Keh Na were discovered and soothed her aching soul.

This was all then.

"So, my question again, Sukaina, is why are the tears leaking now, just as forcefully and passionately as they did then? 

Have the wounds not yet healed? 
Did you re-attach a negative cord back to him out of habit? 
Do you have toxic, nuclear levels of karma that just won't be cleared through your prayers and acts of service?

What is it? God, why does the pain not stop? He is just a MAN!

You know he is not a twin flame. We changed the fabric of the universe and entered a parallel universe whereby he is a soul like all the others you have no link with, to the point you will become indifferent to him. Forget him entirely.

We entered a universe whereby you are back on form with all the advocacy and changes you are to bring to people's lives, in the form that is best for everyone involved. Maybe kids, maybe refugees, and all to do with mental health and consciousness and clearing obstacles to expression. Definitely to do with art, music, writing and creativity to a level you've never experienced before.

So, what's up? Why the tears and the devastation in the heart? Why recreate the exact same feelings and regrets you had six years ago? You have all the pink, green and black crystals you possibly could to heal the heart and clear the cords! You even have the flower remedies to ensure you never repeat the same mistakes! You even became a bona fide SHAMAN to ensure you could walk your own sacred feminine path to God, and let go of the attachments to this world.

You prayed for relief at the sacred tomb of Jelaluddin Rumi in Konya, Turkey. And in the Valley of Kings in Luxor, Egypt. (Okay, well I prayed in the swanky hotel I was staying at the spiritual retreat at - we did past clearings then - well, so we said!)

Surely your ego isn't still so massive that you would even entertain the thought that he loved you at some point? Or that you guys had a chance and were somehow sabotaged? Or that him being with the woman of his dreams is somehow an insult to you, since you have had less than ideal experiences with men since him?"

The answer is always so simple.

We have the layers of karmic explanations, and the karmic debt 16/7 explanations and the Atlantis and Lemuria explanations... and then there is the practical explanation.


I lost myself when he left. Not BECAUSE he left.

I had lost perhaps 50% of myself before I had met him, then lost another 30% after meeting him and him leaving.... and my connection with my Creator became fragmented.

It still is, which is why he has such an impact upon me. When you make an intimate connection with a person or circumstance that interferes with your God connection, drama ensues.

I still don't read any fiction, which I used to devour with a passion. I don't read any of the New Age books either, unless it is really important, such as looking for an affirmation. I'm reading Matt Kahn's new book Whatever Arises, Love That: A Love Revolution That Begins With You because I have to write the review of it for this blog and another online magazine, but it's taking me an absurdly long time. I just can't focus too much.

I used to play tennis at university, and stopped since then and even though I have the opportunity to play here, I don't. I go to a few musical and healing or spiritual meditation events here and there, but nothing major. I have stopped running as well!

My flame keeps petering out.... I can't really persuade myself to become passionate about anything in my personal life. In my career and professional life, I have a clearer idea about what I wish to do. I am passionate about helping people, through writing and other means. To enhance lives. To bring about peace and joy and forward progress.

My yoga practice is my mainstay, and even that I have had to cajole myself into keeping up the classes because I know how it is benefiting me on all levels.I also know what happens when I stop going for classes: the cycle repeats itself.

That is basically it.

I do not miss him any longer, there is nothing to miss. We miss memories, we regret actions - and we are in the now. After six years, even someone as nostalgic and romantic as I am has come to terms with the real world.

Maybe I was under some sort of spell I wove expertly for myself. My soul always knew that I had to encounter many illusions and that the pain in their removal will bring about my refreshed and humbled soul.

It is just the realisation that, after reclaiming all my energy back from him, I am still somewhat adrift. I still don't feel whole, that fragments of my soul and self are somewhere other than inside of me. I still don't have any real plans, any real goals, any real interests that I used to have once, or that other people have.

And it has finally dawned on me that it had nothing to do with him, after all! It really could just have been anyone. The soul lessons are learned through any person fit for the role. It's never really personal in the end.

And so my soul cries and the tears drop onto the blue yoga mat during downward dog for the years wasted in illusions so thick and strong, they felt so very real to me.

I was expecting some sort of happy ending, in the form of friendship at the very least. Instead, he makes a lame joke about us being together next lifetime, and the headache he would experience in having two wives. When I read that, I knew that he was doing his best to be kind and friendly. Yet, there was no depth of connection and no flower of acknowledgement.

I did not appreciate his sense of humour. Two wives. Yes, quite an idea, just what I had been hinting at. Not!Almost as funny as his assumption I had intended to move to Turkey for reasons more insidious than to teach TEFL.

Connection, empathy and acknowledgement: those are the things I have to make available to myself from myself.

I am getting there.

Shamanic tools for healing

There is a theory in shamanic circles that we make ourselves go through trauma, then heal it but not entirely, as within the little scar lays the core of our supreme healing powers. I prefer that perspective to the one I have been telling myself: you're weird and emotionally naive.

I pray the empathy that I have realised through this experience will emanate to everyone who is also dealing with their trauma and wounds. As of now, it hasn't quite been the case as I am the one in need of my own understanding.

I became a character in a Jane Austen novel. The most poorly written one, with social media, emotional health issues, silence, passive aggression and ghosting taking centre stage.

What now?
Who am I without this obsession that took over six years of my life?
How do I redeem myself?

I am who I am. And I most certainly am where I am.

Judgements may flow all though my veins about where I ought to be, and yet, perhaps every single part of this roller-coaster video game is pre-planned before incarnation. My free will lays in my response.

And a response of absolute devotion and gratitude to the divine is needed.

And the response seems to always be love and forgiveness, for self and others.

My ability to be authentic about my weaknesses and flaws and mistakes is a good way to break through my self-made obstacles, in a way. One cannot be a writer if one cannot be willing to expose themselves through the words on the page.

For me, it mainly is to do with feeling all emotions as equally valid, and giving myself the love I have avoided giving to myself for years.

You see, God is waiting for me to call Him my Beloved.

In the end, God has been the Patient One (as-Sabur), waiting in the wings for me to accept and acknowledge the love between the exalted Creator and His wonderful creation.

The mystics and dervishes don't go mad for no reason, they have tasted the sublimity of Divine love and nothing else can compare after that.

Be noble, for you are made of stardust...

Come, come, again,
Whoever you are, Come!
Heathen, Fire worshipper or idolatrous,
Come! Come even
If you have broken
Your penitence a hundred times,
Ours is the portal of hope
Come as you are...
Ours is not a caravan of despair

Mevlana Jelaluddin Rumi

Let us hope for that for Sukaina. I feel she has taken powerful steps towards the esteemed honour of becoming entirely annihilated and thereafter to be solely in the world and definitely not of it.

In society, but not meant to be like anyone else. In pure service to His creation.

It has been a while since I went to a temple, synagogue or church to devote to the silence. I suppose my soul would like that sort of ritual again.