It feels that we are all under the waves. What are these waves, you ask me? If I told you the truth, or rather if I told you MY truth, would you even believe me?
I shall start this part of my tale from when I resigned from my last job back in August. It was stifling, it was caging me entirely and I was breaking down. I could see through the facades of people, and it was clear that the people managing us had a disconnect between their minds and their hearts - yet the words which were spoken and which were written in letters and emails and publicity materials were so flowery and far removed from the reality of the staff on the ground.
I had become so very heavy. I tried to be light and friendly, and all I felt was anger and resentment that I was supporting others in their lives, whereas my life was (and, frankly, still is) a mess.
And then one day, it became too much. The dissemblance. My soul was screaming out, "You're a healer, a shaman, you are meant to be doing something else that builds you up as well!"
It is really difficult to be introverted and I'm praying to the Creator to help me shift towards extraversion. I won't be able to fulfill my ambitions with introversion, and the mental health issues.
***
I try to be strong, I really do. I always feel the responsibility and sometimes it is burden to be a healer, a lightworker. All the true words I write show my utter vulnerability, my feebleness, my frailty to the entire world, and I no longer wish to be like this.
I want to be able to bring Thy light to the world as a signature, scrawled into the cosmos with each breath of mine, with ever expansive and flow and movement...
I want to be Your shining Star, the Fairy Godmother, the Messenger, the Mystic, the King, the Goddess, the Genius, the Priestess, the Homemaker, the Living Beauty that You showed myself to me during my last shamanic healing with my teacher in October.
***
I find that my female sisters and friends find it particularly difficult when under the Waves. I turn to them, but they come to me with advice and a to-do list, and sometimes it doesn't resonate. Or maybe it is truth, and it triggers that part of me that wishes I was over all of this wounding.
Kis koh pata...
Allah, I just really want to dance. I just really want to sing. I just really want to connect with myself on such a deep level, that I can flow in Thy praise no matter what my external state is.
I am ready to surrender the rebellion I have felt and acted out towards Thee for my entire incarnation.
All the soul plans say I am a teacher and a writer, that I will create a healing modality with Thy grace to help those who are in really deep deep darkness... yet, here I lie, on the floor, helpless, pleading Thee for grace all over again.
***
In honour of 12/12 and full moon in Gemini
I pick up the sizzling charcoal
with the metal clamp,
place it in the container required
and shower it with dammar resin.
The angelic white light bursts forth...
The entire air is shimmering
With divine light as the heavenly scent
filters through my senses,
it simmers through the pores of the apple green walls
I can now sense serpent, jaguar, hummingbird and condor sweeping in,
As the rattle rattles its rattle
I can sense the wings of my angels cover me in love and protection
This world's energy is still too dense for me
I close my eyes and remember all the words
That have sunk underneath my skin
That ended up being lies
All over again
Taking me away from myself
As I stood far away from my life,
Wanting to water the desertlands of those
Who are so separate from themselves
From God
That all I felt was compassion
There is of course a part of me that can do all of this
But right now,
Little Sukaina is crying for love and support
We can't save the world
Not just yet..
Soon, my child.
But you refused to heal and this is the result.
Sukaina Juma, 13/12/2019
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