it is okay

i can't write much at the moment.

i am fighting something that feels a lot bigger and stronger than I am and even has bypassed God's laws because it remains hidden and unknown.

but it is okay.

what can one do?

sometimes the pain and the confusion and the devastation has to be felt.

i anticipate that i will get out of this and be able to help others who are going through similar.

or at least have my life back.

the second one is preferable.

the first option smells like codependency all over again.

because i did this willingly

Picture taken from Pixabay

there are just too many of these intense emotions

i have had to deal with these emotions
this deadness
this pretense
for four months

only to wake up
and find that the reality has not shifted

i mean, it has
but there is massive shadow work going on here

and i just do not understand

the constant collapsing

i keep using that word

because this is what it is

i, too, wish to live a superficial life
a happy one
one that functions

so many things on this to-do list
that remain on it

driving lessons and actually get a driving license
training for various things i may not be able to

so many things on this list

if i was to list them all
i'd be sobbing again in despair
because it feels as though they will not be accomplished in this lifetime

do you realise, dear reader, just how tiring and annoying it is to feel the same things
and go running after one healer, then another, then a third

they all helped. don't get me wrong.

but most could only help to a certain degree.

and i sway between knowing how to heal myself and not knowing anything at all

i got so excited when i met A online
and then H
i just assumed that somehow the bad luck had finished

i thought it wouldn't matter that i'm not earning an income at all
i'm not studying
i'm comatose but not really

i assumed it would all work out
because i did this willingly
because i was free from the matrix of work, taxes, 9-5 drivel
because i had plans
so many plans
because i was living alone and therefore untethered by the
dense energy of the father figure

it didn't
H ended up having his own mental health issues
and didn't want to talk after a really good phone conversation
so I've deleted his number so I won't get tempted
to send him a message when I am feeling lonely

A isn't the right partner for me
funnily enough, he's too desi and too involved with family
he couldn't appreciate my sincere love and affection for him
he doesn't call me and doesn't wish to see me badly enough
he can drive to Bolton and to Leicester for friends he has known for years
but not me
and i understand
who am i except an open healer?
who may be able to activate something
or give some paltry advice about social norms
and how to behave around people
i've become an aunty to dispense advice when requested
and i was doing it otherwise as well

W was never meant to be in my life
yet i allowed him do to his eloquence
and my desperate loneliness
and i feel all empty inside
the words are just words
just like Manu
their energies are similar
both are probably amazing souls
but are messed up when I met them
give me nothing
only take, drain, reject, overly sensitive, harmful, abusive
unawakened

this loneliness is key
it needs healing

i understand why
right now, i wish i could dump me somewhere
until i can sort myself out

but is that how we treat humans?

even the ones who are going through so much?

****

this is a very raw piece of writing
i don't wish to publish it

for it exposes how much of a human i am
a broken woman

listening to billie eilish on repeat
everything i wanted

"i had a dream
i got everything i wanted
not what you think
and if i'm being honest

it might have been a nightmare
to anyone who might care

thought i could fly
so i stepped off the golden
nobody cried
nobody even noticed

i saw them standing right there
kind of thought they might care

i had a dream
i got everything i wanted
but when i wake up, i see
you with me

and you say
as long as i'm here
no one can hurt you

don't wanna lie here
but you can learn to
if i could change the way that you see yourself

you wouldn't wonder why you hear
"they don't deserve you"

i tried to scream
but my head was under water
they called me weak
like i'm not just somebody's daughter... "

ALL RIGHTS OF LYRICS RESERVED - BILLIE EILISH

Subconscious Implosions

Making Allowances

We each are allowed to not cope on any given day. Right now, deep breathing seems to be my biggest issue for the moment.

I've collapsed, imploded upon myself - yet again.

Bringing myself to write this is only because writing in in my blood, my soul and I have been so disconnected from anything creative inside of me for such a long time, I have disconnected from myself.

I had to be signed off from work by a GP who wasn't the best at empathy on Monday, for a week, because I was finding it difficult to be at work, around all the people who frankly don't have the same subtlety that is required for my energy right now. There's such a lack of control, and people are unhappy within themselves and taking it out on me or around me. It's just no longer acceptable.

Total Collapse and Failure

I feel like such a failure as a human being, as a light worker, as a healer, as a female, as Sukaina right now.

But it is what it is. There's not much I can do if my subconscious or whatever has just collapsed and felt overwhelmed. This happens when one is very unhappy with the way life has turned out.

I've been trying to catch up on eight long years of not healing myself in the correct manner.

I finally have someone genuine doing Emotion Code for me, as well as training myself to become a shaman. I guess I broke down because I did this all very rapidly since January 2019.

I have also been to the people who aren't really trained to sort out my energy properly, training themselves. I went to them because that's going to be me at some point. But that wasn't right, and Jane had told me this! You learn the hard way sometimes.

These Cages Are Chafing My Soul

 

My soul is feeling so caged inside this small box of a life I've created for myself, because I thought this is all I could do, all I could manage, all that the world has to offer me.

It isn't as devastating as it has been in the past - maybe because I've been through all of this so many times before, you just look at yourself in the mirror, looks deep into your eyes - and give a huge shrug.

How Is It That Other Healers Are Feeling None of This Collapse?

 

Instagram can be both inspirational and not good for you at the same time. I'm happy for all the artists and activists, etc, who are going from strength to strength in every photograph - not a SINGLE one of my favourite artists or new Pakistani talent seem to be at ALL affected by ascension energies.

Always out, doing something, being amazing - none of this heal your inner trauma and inner child, subconscious trauma shit. None of that - at all.

I find that to be really amazing - how do they pull it off? They evidently are healers - so then?

I don't have much to say - I don't know who I am as the ego is being ripped apart from me daily. At least I've stopped the crying. Some of the numbness has come back.

I'm lacking sleep that has been rejuvenating, and physical energy.

All my friends are away from me during this time - I fell to the position of "begging" my cousin to please call me so I could feel that I have some family who care about me - I even said he was as close to a brother to me as anyone ever would be - he still didn't call me.

NEVER BEG ANYONE, REALLY, TRY YOUR BEST TO SELF SOOTHE.

My powers of manifesting **** masculine energies are always amazing to me.

And also, quite frankly, without any harsh and fiery, or acidic Scorpionic judgements, lightworkers and healers are as messed up as the ones who aren't awake or healers.

Seriously, man!

I still was blessed with having cafe quality cake two days in a row. Jaffa orange and dark chocolate cake, which was amazing - even though I was blubbing tears in front of my manager because it felt so crap I was so sick.

And strawberry cheesecake today.

I was able to spend time with some sweet kids today, and a sweet neighbour.

Almost getting back to normal.

Will have to protect myself from the energy of Brexit because that's half of the reason I collapsed; I couldn't take the bs. I wonder how many counsellors and psychotherapists are having clients speak about the anxiety and sadness this entire fiasco is causing them. Mine had to listen to my own experience of this yesterday.

Life in the UK just isn't ideal for someone like me any longer.

There is hopefully a way to realign my energy towards wherever I need to go, and do whatever I need to do.

Admin is not where I am meant to be.

Come on, yaar... I really need to find a place to start learning to do Bollywood and modern dance.

My brow chakra is quite blown open (sinuses).

God have mercy on me!

Deity

And as my Soul dug into the grass, hiding away from the joys of the world
and burrowing itself deeply into the grains of mud;
I could see the sky as the light faded.
The blueness of sky, the whiteness of cloud, the pink of sun
No tears trickled down these cheeks of mine
I wasn't moved by the sight.

But I was grateful that I did not have control over the entire universe.

For He is able to create each day anew, while us hypocrites are left to
play around with His original idea,
and present it to the world with a different slant or angle
in order to make it ours.

I was grateful that I had no control over this black Labrador of mine,
whom I've decided to call Barney,
so as to make him seem ridiculous.

For if I were to control the vitality and the demise
of life and love and contentment,
I would never fall down so very, very deep
that my nails would peel off and bloody my fingers
as I tried without success to scrape myself back into the world of the Surviving.

My chin would never be attracted to that little dent in my neck;
I would not be so meek, that I could longer look anyone in the eye.

I would never know the satisfaction and freedom I get
from completely losing touch with reality,

Which allows me to chop off chunks of my straw-like hair whenever I wish;

Which allows me to talk to myself as I walk along the street,
even when I know someone is behind me
and is tripping on the marbles that fall through my skull,
which make a plonking sound as they fall onto the pavement;

Which allows me to scream and hurler and to wail and to be hollow;

Which allows me to sob loudly and weep silently for hours on end,
changing nothing in the process.

And so I see the sky, now plunged into darkness,
and just like magic the little silver dots appear
in ones and threes.

And I love to see them so far away, silent and durable
and oscillating in my mind. I do not control the stars.

But He does. And I am grateful for that.

Pusique si j'avais le pouvoir de contrôler les étoiles et mon déstin entièrement,
I would be the Deity and would have no one to pray to.

And then, surely, I would be bereft of hope, to the point of nervous prostration.
And just how can one prostrate to oneself?
Just how can one prostrate?



Sukaina Juma
27th April 2008

***

That time period feels light years away, and yet, by reading my work from that time, it is once again afresh. I may now be ready to gain insight from those vague and blurred years.

One incident that will remain with me for quite a while: it took me quite some time before I could sense the warmth of the sun. I was in the garden one day and felt a warmth on my back that seemed alien. And then I realised that for at least a month, I had gone so deep within that I had been unable to feel the sun's rays on my back.

How good it was to feel once again. And it made me wonder why I couldn't before then.

From the darkness cometh the bright pearls of my creativity and expression.

And yet, there must be a more conducive way to do this, mustn't there?

Qui sait?