in this there is inherent blessing

I developed an interesting theory today after having an interesting day: your gifts that are given to you, are then taken away from you, and in this there is inherent blessing. As you dig within to find your power and bring forth the embers from a zero point.

Yesterday, I woke up in the morning a bit more relaxed than I have been for quite some time. It is the result of doing the Lesser Banishment Ritual of The Pentagram by Aleister Crowley at night, and feeding my first and second munay-ki rite, because if I hadn't shifted some energy, I thought I would burst.

I settled into meditation and breathing, and almost immediately I felt the energy of my ex intuitively. Sometimes I hear his voice. For some reason, I keep thinking he, too, is going through some great tragedy and challenges as I am, only moreso because he is finally waking up for the first time (yes, I now see the seed of spiritual arrogance creeping in to beguile me, but it feels so real whilst we are in it. Who am I to have an opinion about anyone else's levels, when I drop so readily myself on daily basis?).

So, I asked myself, if you want to write to him, is that what your heart wants? The answer came yes. So, I did a really silly thing. I wrote to him. And I told him exactly why. It didn't feel silly at the time, because I could feel his auric field, and it was welcoming and soft. Loving, even. But in real life, this is the latest in a string of silly things I do when I read too many twin flame forecasts, which I had stopped doing, and then started again. They kept on banging on about how the portal was opening for reunion. I deluded myself into a sense of false hopes. Yet, I did what I had to do. I felt better for writing the email. I didn't check if he read it or responded.

And a few hours later, I asked myself, "why the HELL did you do that? You know how silly that was?" I gave myself a good talking to.

Yet, this story ends well. It is as though, having written to him, something very old, faded, torn, broken was released from me.

"You silly, it doesn't matter. He's not in your life. Where is the reality in all of this? Where is the power? It's not even as though you WANT to be with him, is it? SO THEN? Why do you write to him?" (Uncontrollable impulse). And all of this was done before breakfast.

A treasured friend then helped me do a healing for myself to clear some emotions. My heart was blocked, and it was grief over how many times I have been rejected by men. A past life pattern of never getting the guy. Let it all go. Feel so much better now. And today, some cord released from my spine, similar to an implant, and all that I did yesterday seems like a far away dream, something I did when I was younger. Not yesterday.

Usually I would feel shame and anger at myself, and I did feel a little bit, but now I know there are other things to focus on. My friend is a very powerful healer.

This reminded me that, whilst I've been avoiding the issues and looking to reflexology and EFT tapping to help me feel better, I realise that doing a proper body release of the emotion will benefit me more. More than even meditation perhaps.

So that's just what I am going to do now, to clear the patterns.

After my cousin did such a powerful healing for me using Reiki, I'm going to revisit the symbols and start healing myself and my environment with them.

This is the blessing.... my ego made me believe I was beyond the methods, until all my wisdom, knowledge and awareness have been muted.

So you go back to basics. Real basics. And never overstep the boundaries or the journey.

I told my counsellor that I didn't mention to him the fact I had romantic feelings for my married cousin. The reason was shame, and the ridiculousness that again I fell for a married man. For it is therefore not meant to be. So he asked me, why did you feel you could tell me now?

And that was because I had told myself in affirmation that it is okay to love someone and them not love you back. It is about you being a loving and demonstrative person, and finding a connection with that person. You validate your feelings and yourself. The other person's response is their own issue.

Especially since nothing will ever happen. And we wouldn't be compatible, my ego would constantly compete with him to be more gifted a healer. And because I wouldn't be more gifted than he is, or wiser and more knowledgeable than he is, I would feel frustrated. Best he remain a mentor. And hopefully a friend/brother.

So I realised that the moment you OWN your feelings and your darkness and the "shameful" aspects of your thoughts and behaviour, the sting goes away. There is no good or bad. It is as it is. You feel bindaas, free... the old matrix collapses in front of your eyes, you breathe easier, and you start to dance to Daddy Yankee again.

After seven years, it still feels like a brand new concept.

Sacrosanct

Sacrosanct
by Sukaina Juma
19 October 2011



 

I sit under this loyal tree o' mine,
Gazing at the azure sky that beams at me with benefaction.

Today I focus on the ladybug who decided
my heart was soft and open enough
to be trusted.
She ventures her tiny feet upon
my calloused fingers.

One full moon ago here I lay,
nursing the hurt I felt as a result
of a letter written to me in ire
by a rejected suitor.

The hurt was more
because I had to decline his interest,
than it was to do with those harsh
words of little consequence.

Sitting here, my bare feet on the grass,
I thought of the boy
who wrote one hysterically funny note,
and then chose not to respond
to my witty repartee.

This young laddie from the Midlands
encouraged me to release
and transmute into your roots,
the layers of bitterness and resentment
for all they've ever said or done.

And many full moons afore,
I found myself here, in the cold
and the velvety darkness,
humming devoted prayers
from a holy book
for the eternal peace of the brother of my beloved,
who had drastically departed from this existence.

Leaving behind exquisite memories,
a grieving wife,
a life yet to be born,
a lazy, good-for-nothing cat,
and a vibrancy I still pine to experience.

And afore that?
What else didst thou witness, o loyal companion o' mine?

My back, bent and trembling,
my eyes continually leaking
those forbidden tears
for a myth, an unfathomable sphinx,
a Soul so beautiful,
so cold,
so harsh,
so cerebral,
so heartless.

Impervious
to the the very dregs of my soul,
to the very last pearls of myself,
for which I dove into the hidden chasms,
delved into the deepest recesses,
and offered them as bribes;
everything I had of value,

I gave to him.

Sacrosanct

He intoxicated
the untouched nymph within,
paralysed her.
Artemis stood still in fear of all that was possible
- it couldn't really be this easy, could it?
Could she allow herself
to be joyful,
to feel loved,
to belong?

Sacrosanct

He made her aware of all that she lacked,
of her naivete
that couldn't understand his intense
attention,
which then flickered out,
and sought out another
to ignite;
whilst she deliberated.

Transfixed.
 
He held her transfixed.

Just as Izrael transfixes
the soul he is charged
with destroying,
at the moment of
reckoning.

O humble Izrael,
at least thou bringest a sweet smelling flower
to those whose innocent hearts
lead them to shame
and regret.

There is still some mercy, some absolution
when thou breaketh apart
all fabricated realities,
as thou teareth apart all carefully woven illusion
into slivers and shreds,
as thou cracketh open the hardened shell
o' erected barriers,
to bring forth the
Ascension,
overdue and catalysmic,
to reveal that magnificent
Essence of Spirit,
and reveal it unto itself.

Sacrosanct

In my folly,
I declined my right to a solitary rose,
and chose to remain a solitary reaper
of that which I had sown,
in the moment and even afore
my present incarnation.

I shunned a marriage enfolded
in His compassion and mercy.

Sacrosanct

Merging, healing,
mutual and tender,
a third bloom,
imbuing the cosmos with
the delicate scent
of
ultimate Union.

T'was too mundane an occurrence for me.

Love was forbidden.
She could not allow herself to partake of it.

Her imagined strength
lay in her solitary existence.

Quelle erreur!

This ordinary romance could not compare to
the intensely possessive,
jealous,
vengeful love affair
of self-abuse and unfathomable disconnect
I had co-created with my dark paramour,
who ravaged me from the very core of my being,
chewed me up and spit me out,
who had carefully wiped blank any remnant spark o' life
behind these eyes o' mine,
flung me into a chasmic void,
filled with those oft-mentioned scorpions and beasts of horror.


Whimpering, bedraggled, supine
with bleeding wrists.

The empty, sunken eye sockets
saw nothing.

Empty hours and days,
spent underneath a sun that couldn't
warm that miserable, shrunken and unused appendage,
my nebulous heart.

Some say I luxuriated in this.

I concur,
and I also beg to differ.


Sacrosanct

She had nothing to offer him.

She saw herself from afar;
she experienced herself from within,
and she knew that he could not love this...

Thing.

A bare husk of a girl,
clutching
onto anything that would bring her
back
to living her life
instead of existing it.

Sacrosanct

He woke me up to myself.

Against my will and my reasoning,
he set my soul, my entire Being,

a b l a z e.

My lips remembered how to smile
and they gently whispered his name
into the receptive night sky,
sharing my unexpected fortune with
the myriad points
through which Thy Light shines through.

My eyes beamed ether and rose quartz
unto anyone who came under my
catalytic and doe-eyed gaze.

I embodied Love.


His love? Thy love?
'Tis all but one, n'est-ce pas?

I discovered a heart, my heart.
Pulsating.
The fluttering wings of
an essential, core missing piece of my Being
that finally answered my call and made its way

H o m e.


Click.

The pieces fit.
An almost-perfect fit.

Wholeness,
peace,
fullness,
merging,
melding,
fusion,
expansion,
containment.

Home.

I came home,
to him.

As for he, I cannot say...
What part I played in this cosmic game,
Thou keepeth it hidden still.

T'was solely me who chose this
Awakening,
the unfurling of
my hedgehog heart.

T'was solely me who
needed to grow,
to devote,
to love in a manner that
begets description.

To love indiscriminately,
Infinitely.

I chose to experience the abandonment,
the rejection by a first love,
a mere mortal,
a humble creature
lovingly fashioned and chosen for me
by Thee,

so as to
Understand.

It is Thou who matters, not him.

Never him.
Never any of them.

But it is him I worshipped, not Thou.

He has no control over his faith in Thee,
nor over his next breath.

He could not force himself to feel
that which he did not,
just as I could not force myself to not feel
that which I did.

Thou nurtured me before any of this
existed.

How does one forget this simple truth?

Surely Thou hast forgiven me for this idolatry by now?

Sacrosanct

O carefully guarded heart o' mine,
It now wants to be seen.
It wants to shine His love
unselfishly, unguardedly,
expansively.

O Lover, love Thyself,
O Healer, heal Thyself.

Sacrosanct

Nothing is sacred anymore.

All that was
is now done and dusted,
irrelevant,
forever archived in the Mythology, Fantasy and
Harsh Learnings sections
of my personal Akashic records.

All evidence is deleted,
all fondness, attraction,
trust, hope and
connection...
Retracted.
Voided.
Dissolved.

Wisps.

Wisps of...
Wisps of...

Only wisps.

Did it even happen? I ask myself.
Why should it happen?
To someone like me?
A Nothing.
Untouchable.
Undesirable.
Unlovable.

"You chose to remain unknown.
You accused the world of making you unlovable,
Without removing the
barriers to love you had
erected within yourself.

He, a microcosm of the world,
reflected that which
you thought you were worth.

Detachment,
rejection,
disrespect,
harshness,
cruelty,
disconnect.

And there is no blame,
all is perfect.

Your pain is perfect.
The words inscribed upon this page are perfect.
The lump in your throat,
perfect.

Your remorse, your forgiveness,
your Love,
Divine."

I shall curl underneath your e'er-reaching branches, o tree o' mine,
On some future day.

And perhaps dream of yet another beau,
ponder upon a life of little purpose,
envision pilgrimages to the cloistered tombs,
or gaze one again at the azure,
seeking Him without,
when He is only to be found
within.

Dreaming,
pining, wistful,
obsessed,
killing off
bits of my Essence
for anything that is
out of reach.

For it is all without,
and not within.

For everything else that has the essence
of prosperity and lushness,
of Life.
Of normality,
of the comforting sense of the mundane.
To bring me back to myself to this earthly existence,
And leave alone those
Astral explorations
Of which I am only barely aware.

They say my loneliness is
a construct, or
the result of karmic leaking.

I concur,
and I also beg to differ.

I complain to Thee about my loneliness.

Allow me to merge with Thee,
so I can forget myself,
forget them.

I need to forget him.
Show me how to forget him!

Sanctify my tears.

I weep now,
only for Thee.
I tremble now,
for Thee alone.

My relationship with Thee
is sacrosanct.

Ah, Madame Ladybug flies away.

My heart feels the void
once more.

Once more, I am alone
with Thee
under this tree.

And then, gently, my loneliness dissipates.

Yet another illusion,
up in smoke.

For the one who has gained Thee,
what has she lost?
And for the one who has lost Thee,
what has she gained?

Sacrosanct
Sacrosanct
Sacrosanct

'Tis done.