Her gün biliyorum, şimdi bilmiyorum...

Usually, my ego knows everything. Over countless discussions with the few selected by my soul whom are my spiritual sailors, as well as the videos by Matt Kahn and also other healers, it seems that my ego is another term for the unfulfilled child who hasn't grown up, or fully healed.

We were conjugating the present continuous tense in my Turkish class last week. I had observed that ever since the new term began in a new college, I had found it difficult (as I usually do) to gel with my classmates. They are all quite prosperous professionals, and I felt a bit intimidated and shy due to all of the energetic and emotional and financial and familial fluctuations that permeate my life, even in 2017.

I am a very loving soul, yet my default has been to close my heart the moment it experiences pain, so that the rest of me is protected.

The downfall of this habit is, as is the case with many people I encounter daily in the streets and shops of London, is the heart is closed. I stop relating to my soul, my self, to others and the world becomes faded, and appears unfriendly and life feels hard.

So, it seems that, no matter what books I read or articles or healings, I still am learning how to do the basics.

How to love, how to relate to the world, how to respond when a dear friend and I no longer can communicate on a basic human level, when misunderstandings prevail, when i isolate myself from my nieces and nephews for 8 months and not feel anything, when I am unable to attend the important energy healings I wanted to the last few months due to being aware again of my financial situation that asks for prudence and essentials only.

When my heart closes, I can't experience the joys of smiling at strangers. For a few months, I was unable to look people in the eyes again because of the intensity of my intuition picking up on things, mostly their heavy energies or thought forms that were eager to latch onto me due to my poor boundaries.

Therefore, every day I know, now I do not know...

My Turkish teacher said, Oh Sukaina, don't say that (she is aware of my health condition for my educational purposes)! I said jokingly, but the point is I must know something, because I conjugated that sentence perfectly!

Do Not Weep For The World

My cousin is visiting our aunt. He is originally from Texas, and now is a student at the seminary in Qom, Iran. Although similar in some aspects to his eldest brother, he also is unique in his own way. We haven't seen each other since I was fifteen and he was nine, in Karachi where we both lived.

I have been observing how, when I meet people from my family, my interaction and how I think and behave fall back to how I was before I shed the programming. As though I feel that would be the only way I could fit in or relate to them.

I have said things or done things and have been so shocked at my behaviour, which I find to be less then my ideal self., things I thought I had addressed years ago, but evidently I haven't.

I would attribute it to the intense fever and viral like condition I've been having for the past week, which has wiped out my energy and slowed me down.

I did the Shamanic Medicine Wheel introduction on Sunday, a womb blessing and womb healing on Tuesday and four hours of Havening, NLP, and hypnosis on Thursday. The Thursday session was far more intense and effective than I ever expected, which is progress for me, since usually I have expected the world and received nothing from other healings.

But it is one thing to remain stressed and wiped out, and another thing to not address them.

Going back to my cousins, they are of the rare breed of souls I have recently encountered with pure souls, working to purify them further... And who are intelligent, and also grounded. And also family.

Yet. Still. There are barriers, and I will mention what I feel these barriers are. These very barriers have been accepted by me until 7 years ago, when I realised they were useful for other souls on other paths, but were never meant for me.

It has been the case that the breed of Muslim born men I have chosen on a soul level to have karmic relationships, family ties, or something important to learn from, have not been the easy going, charismatic, free yet intensely spiritual people my ego would like to be around.

For a long time, I assumed those types of men didn't exist. They do. Just listen to the music of Outlandish, or watch certain films, or look at what the people in Canada and the US are producing.

Young, talented, confident men who are also spiritual and making a difference in the world.

They exist. My not having met them is due to my frequency not matching with that high frequency as yet, and it is something that needs to be acknowledged.

Forty Rules Of Love 

I had met an intriguing Turkish man called Buğra when I had ventured on my solitary travels to Konya in 2015.

I was entirely taken by him from the moment I met him. His entire being shine with this ethereal light and he was so handsome, with a brunette beard and deep piercing green eyes, clear skin, white teeth and an unabashed, welcoming smile. And perfect English.

He taught me a few Turkish phrases, and, most importantly, he introduced me to Shems Tabrizi and his work "The Forty Rules of Love".



We actually sat down one evening in the cafe, and he served me apple tea, he drank his kahve türkmen, sat and proceeded to read aloud to me the rules, one by one. It was a very surreal experience for me.

On the one hand, these are the experiences I craved to experience, but the many obstacles in my mind refused to let me relax and be myself.

It was around midnight by the time we got to rule number eleven, because I was activating my soul through each of the rules, and so we took it slowly - then I said I needed to go to sleep.

There was something erratic about his behaviour, which I attributed later to the rakı and the weed he and his friends partook of regularly.

I wanted to trust him, but I couldn't. I realised he had wanted to make love to me that night, which might have been exciting to me, but of course, me being the very shy, depressed, intense, introverted person I am, I wouldn't have been able to have done so with someone who was a stranger and didn't have any ambitions or a job. And, later on, our mutual friend told me that Turkish men just like variety, and sleep with as many women as they can convince to sleep with them. That made me feel better about the "missed opportunity" due to reserve and shyness. I'm not the kind of soul who deserves the type of treatment of being "conquest number 77, slept with Pakistani chick, check".

So, he wasn't born a Muslim, and that was to his credit. He didn't have the hang ups that the decent Muslim guys have. He had been called towards Sufi ways, hence why he had travelled to Konya from Istanbul. But, he also was so in his own world, when I tried to keep in touch with him when I got back to London, it just didn't work.

I hope I can either find him and we can become friends for real, or else I find others with that intense spiritual energy, but it is more functional.

This reminds me, I actually owe him at least 20 TL which I somehow forgot to give to him when he dropped me to the airport. He tried to teach me how to smoke, and I just couldn't due to fear. Apparently, there is a technique of sucking or drinking in the smoke that I couldn't master in 15 minutes.

On the other hand, the decent Muslim men who seem somewhat less fragmented, refuse to maintain communication.

It started with the first man I ever loved romantically, in 2010. He married his soul mate in 2012 and refuses to keep in touch, because apparently I am the one who needs to be aware that if the positions were reversed, I wouldn't like it if my husband was friends with his ex.

Really. I see. So the entire planet has people who became friends first and remained friends after and I'm the only one who somehow would not be able to follow the protocols. I have a friend I turn to for advice, and she somehow feels the same, that it is not ideal to be friends with people you have loved romantically. I disagree, I feel I would mature so much if I was the person who would allow her lover or husband to remain connected, and that is the type of person I wish to be. The fact that I haven't had any relationship to test my willingness to be that person, is a moot point. I would also like to be seen as a PERSON and not some vixen with ulterior or subconscious motives.

I am only going to end up with an awakening man who is really aware of the fact he is a starseed. Anyone else who isn't awake, can go find someone else because it never works. That has been the case with all of the men I have loved up until this point, because they were karmics and I needed to learn a lot of learnings, such as self love and that just because they don't love me, it doesn't invalidate the truth and divinity of my love and affection for THEM.

Because, that is simply who I am. A lover.

So, even though I am suffering from lack of his wisdom, insight, friendship, love and intuition, and I am sure I would only contribute positively to his life, because that is how much love I have to give the planet now I have cured myself of the myth that twin flames exist (unless you count Turkish and Latino music), due to his limited perspective, fed by doubtful traditions and his understanding that I can only love him romantically, and not like a sister or friend, we don't speak and, therefore, neither of us is gaining a clearer understanding of God and of ourselves through that unique (potential) friendship. He's being a bit selfish, because I want to ask him how to become financially independent, since he is doing so well with it. But he just will NOT allow me a space in his life, even as a friend.

And this is when the wandering humbled mystic, the one who is in training to be one with God, submits to this fact. And lets it go.

It was the same with the second man I fell in love with, before he told me he was married. Idiot took three months of mutual flirting before he thought to tell me that he was married with a 6 year old child.

And now, I left my job for other reasons and, where he used to respond kindly and normally to my texts and Coke Studio videos I'd send him, there is now no response from him either. I thought he was more mature and put together than my ex, but I think it is more out of respect for his wife, who lost the plot when she found out we were friends.

And so, I lost another friend with whom I would speak about God, religion, politics, life, hope, music, everything I could.

He treated me like family, like a sister. He fed me, and no other man has been so generous with me with his time, his advice, his jokes and his food - now, we know how food is a big thing for men. Pizza, tiger bread, fries, donuts, muffins.... it was a yeasty affair, but nonetheless, in this case, the carbs were a sign of love and from God that, actually, contrary to Manu's saying I was as repellent as Marmite, someone else wasn't so scared of my love and welcomed it, even if I was a distraction from his less than ideal marital affairs. We had karma too, so it got resolved.

I know now I could never last in a relationship with him, because he isn't yet awake, he fears what it would entail. And he was very cynical and flirtatious for my liking. He "forgot" to tell me that his wife was pregnant with their second child until 6 weeks before the birth. That was harsh.

Yet, for my soul, it is a heavy burden that I have lost another beloved friend. Due to my being a woman. That's basically it.

I don't behave like a typical disempowered female. Allah has blessed me with an 11-2 and 7-7 intellect, which means I am able to call myself on my own bs, as well as calling them out on theirs.

When I talk about the love I feel for them, it is the highest form of soul love for soul family. Yet, up until now, it has only ever one sided. None of them have loved me back, not in the way a man loves a woman. They might see me as a sister, or Marmite, or someone to heal (a third person).

So, going back to my cousin. He spoke to me a little about his spiritual knowledge and learnings from Qom and Mashhad.

It is not as though I am not aware of the Islamic protocols that the religious follow, having had it reiterated until I became someone I am not and even wore the Arabian abaya for three years in the prime of my youth, because, at age 16, I assumed my mother's collapsing and going into a 14-day coma was the result of my sins.

But, I just see him as a new friend who is also blood. And I felt we would learn so much from each other.

I learned such gems from him from the hour we spoke, and then he kind of shut down.

I am unsure if it because of my welcoming manner or if he assumed I was one of "those" girls who laughs too much, even though I was honest on what my life has been for the last ten years and how my main stress is that I can't seem to find the right job for me and haven't even had a proper date.

So, he stopped talking to me. It could also be the fact that he is finding it difficult to cope with being in London, after being in a relatively higher spiritual energy in Iran.

And he will go back to Qom on Tuesday and I may not see him again and, due to the false restrictions and assumption, once again we will have deprived each other of divine knowledge and light.

How selfish, and they do not even realise it!

They feel they are following divine decree. And this is why the book laws fail to apply to starseeds and light workers.

The amount of knowledge and divine healing I have missed due to me either staying away from guys when it would have been fun to go for an ice cream and see some sights, or now that I am back in my senses, they all shy away.

My other cousin hasn't spoken to me on the phone for six months now.

On the other hand, I have a friend who can't seem to get rid of the men who are after her. She told me, they are running after me!

Once again, we have proven how karma behaves the way you have. Always.

So, I just take it as, whatever it is I seek from them, it is just a reflection of what I already know and can access inside of myself through sincere prayers, du'a, meditation and EFT healing etc.

I have started to weep some of this grief out today, which is reflective of the frustrations I feel around this repeated pattern with family, men and desi Muslims.

Arab guys I don't find as repressed. The people I met at SOAS seemed to have the right ingredients and perspectives in the right proportions. But then, again, I never spoke to anyone as such. Just observed their interactions with their friends. So, I cannot say for certain.

Let's hope that just by bringing light to this, I shift to a different experience whereby I am seen as divine light and ambassador first, and woman as the form Allah thought was best for my soul to experience.

And, if nothing else, this is a reminder that everything is something the ego can lust after.

Do not beg for pieces of the world, when

You

are such an honoured guest.

At some point, they'll put on the 72D glasses and see the subtle energies, instead of insisting on functioning in the 3D.

But, it has to be me changing my own self first. The one stubborn opinion I notice I hold onto is how they need to behave and think the way I do.

Yet, my cousins from Texas/Qom, as well as the one in north London, may have chosen different life paths than I did. They may have chosen to release certain limitations, but still remain devout Muslims and see females as a temptation, or that we are "aurah" and need to be hidden, or we are "jameelah" and beauty, and they just feel strongly attracted to the beauty.

I probably need to pray for a way forward to honour their beliefs and truths, at the same time me being in my power and maintaining a connection. Or else, having new people show up who are more attuned with how I feel/am and my true essence.

It's not such a big deal! And yet, it is!

And, I probably need to focus on healing the skin condition on my face today, so I can go out in public, and on the tube without people staring at the galactic swamp thing!

They used to stare because of the divine light, but now it's the bleeding cuts around my lips and neck that catch their attention. I wonder how much more humility I need to learn with all of the detoxing and healing the body does.

And so...

Her gün biliyorum, şimdi bilmiyorum...

Peace x

Soul's Reflection - May 2017

Buddha Doodles

SOUL'S REFLECTION - MAY 2017 

A lot has been happening to trigger off things and bring out all the ghoulies from the subconscious. The feelings of disempowerment have soared for me in the last 12 months. All I could do was experience it as best I could, and then pick up the pieces afterwards.

Yesterday was a perfect example of the kind of day I no longer wish to invite into my life yet I still seem to invite it. The shaking hands, ungroundedness, getting on the wrong bus, having old friends entirely brush off my concerns and my having to realise when a dead horse is truly dead.

The fact is that boundaries need to be solidified and I will need to start eating fish in order to get protein so my hair can start feeling healthy and not fall out in shock.

The most frustrating pattern in the last 12 months has been that I stopped entirely and couldn't do anything. And when my energy clears and I can do things, then everything happens at the same time, I miss out and then I shut down all over again.

Patience and moderation will get me far.

There is no point in getting frustrated with others saying something that isn't for me. We still need to respect it and maybe not ask those questions or invite those behaviours in to our field.

I would always choose to liberate myself from all the crap of the past and all that isn't really me and lose the illusions that up until now I still hold onto out of fear and sadness of loss.

You see, the thing that frustrates me is that all of the others did it. They went through their darkness and now are doing a lot better than I could even imagine for myself.

And I still haven't when I am the same as them. We all come from the same Light, so what on earth is that limiting belief so powerful that it holds me back?

The amount of meandering and blind following I have done in the last so many years is astonishing.

There is much rage still needing release, so watch out pillows and ugly crockery!

I shall find a light-heartedness that eluded me for so long.

I shall find the way, in spite of all that I mistook for love that ended up being control. Clarity shall find me and embrace me and love me. So shall hope and alignment.

Frequent sleepless nights...

 

When there are frequent sleepless nights due to solar flare activity, and immense heat that cracks the lips with dryness... one contemplates.

One contemplates on the nature of one's experience.

It is too cold for April and yet few people see the chem trails that spread across the sky on the hotter days. There is a cause, there is an effect. I take a deep breath, look away from the clouds and focus on living my life.

I never realised it would be like this.

The holy spirit still unable to anchor inside of the body. Time and again, I am told we never fully heal.

Too much thinking hurts the brain.
Too much of yearning has resulted in chaos and confusion.

May we each of us give ourselves permission to align and heal.

More people are softening. I'm finding people willing to help me from within the system I wasn't helped by earlier. I am shining more so I am more visible.

A lot of people left my life matrix and I feel the space... very deeply, some days and nights.

We incarnate alone, then find family. And then when they leave, we are alone yet again.

May we remember God in those times and understand each other.

Alone and whole and now going to sleep.

Bless those who are homeless and hungry. May we feed and home them. So that they can then shine their own light on this humble earth.

A channeled Message for Twin Flames as Venus Stations Direct | Curated Post

A channeled Message for Twin Flames as Venus Stations Direct

http://twinstrology.com/channeled-message-twin-flames-venus-stations-direct/

 

Venus Retrograde 2017 is a transit that you will likely remember for a long time. It’s been a rough few weeks of taking a serious look at our past relationships. Venus official moves forward tomorrow but today she is stopped in the sky, conjunct Chiron, trine Vesta and square Saturn, who is also at a standstill. This is making the energy intense to say the very least. As Venus/Chiron squares Saturn, you are seeing the soul wounds you have been carrying through many incarnations. They are coming to the surface and being broken down.

This energy is empowering sacred union with your twin flame and yet, the energy can feel like anything BUT that. Are you feeling a complete disconnection from your twin and your union? Perhaps a lack of emotions? Are you being pushed to focus on yourself rather than them?

This has a reason behind it. One of the gifts of sacred union is the enhancement of creative abilities. In sacred union, the masculine and feminine reach balance and this allows manifestation, or creative abilities, to become much more rapid. With this increased ability also comes increased responsibility. If you are being given the ability to create your reality, what is it you are creating? Vesta is assisting all of you with this part as she brings the energy of purification, including purification of our motives, as well as dedication to mission.

Sacred union is going to manifest from within you. If you are still giving your power away to external forces you aren’t ready for this phase of union. The disconnection will show you that you CAN move forward alone. Giving your power away to your twin is still giving your power away. That has ended.
Many twins are in the process of moving up into another aspect of themselves or embodying more of their Christ-consciousness. Very fitting considering Christians are celebrating the death and resurrection of Christ around the world at this time. Again, you need to be in this higher-consciousness to use your creative energy responsibly.

Going through the process of this embodiment is like having your foundation collapse. Things are being rearranged. It’s chaotic energy. It’s a complete letting go of everything so that the new can be formed. To me, it feels like being in a void. You may have experienced this letting go in many areas of your life over this retrograde period; emotionally, physically, mentally. You are opening yourself to the new timelines that are being birthed with Venus, Saturn and Chiron.

I am being shown that the solar plexus chakra is key right now. Twin flames are experiencing a rebalancing of this chakra, which is our power-center. Some may have experienced physical symptoms as this chakra was activated at some point during the retrograde and likely it was in conjunction with your twin’s energy, meaning your twin was feeling it, too.

When the solar plexus is blocked, we embody some of the negative traits associated with the feminine energy. We have low self-esteem. We can become over-emotional. There is difficulty setting boundaries and suffering from co-dependency. Passivity can be an issue. We play the victim or become martyrs. We feel depressed and alone.

When the solar plexus is overactive, there is a tendency to associate with negative traits of the divine masculine. There is a tendency to control or to dominate others. To be very judgmental. We become very rigid. Nothing is ever good enough. We feel like we know it all. When the solar plexus is blocked, we are too open but when it is overactive, we are not open enough.

When your solar plexus is healthy, you are self-confident, empowered and responsible. You are in control of your emotions and thoughts, which allows your inner guidance to come through. You love yourself while being able to honor others. When challenges come up, you are able to meet them. You know when to take action. The opinions of others do not control you. Goodbye co-dependency! You can remain calm in the face of adversity. People are drawn to you because you are open and understanding without being a pushover.

You can see how being balanced in the solar plexus is an important step in balancing your energy and coming into sacred union. That is why this is happening now. It’s leading you to that place of responsibility that is necessary for your manifestation.

This is allowing twin flames to feel comfortable in that place of complete letting go and opening to new opportunities. You feel safe enough to allow your new self to be born. When the time comes for action, you will be ready and able to move forward. If things begin to manifest that you don’t understand, and this is going to happen, you won’t become a slave to your emotions.

Trust in this process now, beloveds. Take this time for yourself. It will keep you balanced through your transformation. Whatever is happening, your soul is in charge. New energy is here for the taking. Your creative powers have never been stronger. The new cannot come in if there is no room for it so do not hold on to the old that wants to fall away. Like the trapeze artist, you must let go and spring towards the next bar, allowing yourself to be in that gap for a split second.

Saturn is still on the Sabian symbol, “A splendidly built bridge, a heritage of unknown ages, still spans the beautiful and wildly primitive stream.” That primitive stream represents the chaotic creative force. The bridge is joining the old and the new. You are in the center of that bridge right now.

Technically, you are in neither place. Which way will you go? Back towards the old ways? Or will you step forward into the new? That which has never been before?

And do you feel safe enough within yourself now to walk that bridge alone? You must choose for yourself and your twin must choose for themselves. The choice will be made individually yet always knowing you are one. You will not fully know the others choice until you begin to move forward in your own decision. You are balanced. You are strong. Step towards your destiny.

Channeled by Marla Kelly, Intuitive Astrologer @ Twinstrology.com
April 14, 2017
http://www.twinstrology.com

Without needing to justify the act of writing

And then there came a point in the life of my life when I asked myself, what happens when you truly have lost your craft? When it feels like that was the most previous thing you owned or made an identity around that the universe asked you to give away in order for peace to reclaim itself inside your cells? Or something as fancy as that.

I celebrated an anniversary yesterday. Seven years of the prodigal daughter returning to Anglo-Saxon ground in order to conquer and heal an entire planet. In layman's terms, I returned to the UK with full intentions of qualifying as a counsellor and something else random. What was not on the original flight plan was the entire "waking up and becoming divine" section.

No one was notified of this anniversary. I felt had I mentioned it to anyone, I would not be able to maintain their questions online (as, currently, there is no one to maintain a gaze with. Yet another sentence I write and wish I was back in the 90s with those enormous Mac computers and hideous green computer screens. As a generation, we grew up way to fast - now we all are facing the facts about chem trails, thousands of dead salmon washing up on the shores of Southern Chile and false flag media stories.).

It is truly unsafe now for anyone of my generation to indulge in nostalgia or nostalgic stories of the past. They were all mental constructs. Our DNA was a lot denser then than it is now, therefore life didn't feel as heavy - but that never means it wasn't that heavy.

I can't seen any justification for me to continue to believe something about the Soul Plan Contracts, about my solely being a writer. What can a writer do but write?

This planet needs real action. Energies removed and energies revived.

Someone was having a clear out yesterday (I was helping with the clearing out) and gifted me a sizeable pile of unused writing paper, including two legal pads.

My writing had a different tone to it when in medium yellow background. I just wrote and wrote, without the fear and the constriction I have been feeling for a very long time.

Yet writing can only do so much and I have now realised that my soul signed up for more active role in soothing this planet.

Opinion is free, but let's not make it cheap.

You learn to read and write and somehow feel that society and human civilization will evolve even further. Yet something in me refuses to go to that next stage when my young child in Syria has just been gassed with some awful unknown chemicals. How can anyone not see?

The relatively superficial talk and discussions I have overheard or taken part in over the last few years are now beginning to come back up at the back of my throat.

Every day I waste looking for another cupboard cut-out job, meant for the candidate to fit the job and smooth over the rough, unique, human, divine edges of their being when necessary, is another day a child starves, an animal is killed for meat, people are beaten up in India BECAUSE an animal is killed for meat, and the insane policies are continues and everything that was originally designed to benefit humanity, including this very computer I am typing at, has now all turned against us because we are empowering ourselves.

Every time I sense a hit of my own power back, either I or something external does all it can to destroy it.

You can't really talk about this things yet in large circles to people who would understand. Understanding, we all have, I stand corrected. But the depths of the concern for this planet is increasing every day. I can't sleep well, I can't relax enough 

There is a divine reason why my blog is seriously under the radar and I don't really invest enough time or energy into it.

I do have a remaining trace of seemingly real fear of the consequences of speaking up to boldly and too loudly.

And secondly, actions are what this bleeding and totally molested planet needs.

I can write many poems or angry posts, but nothing I write will stop the Fukushima nuclear really affecting us. The children, the poor, the.... at times like these, I really must learn to breathe deeply.

It's worse than the worse horror flick. It's REAL. So in relief, in harsh relief, all the superficial advertisements that encourage us to consume, or celebrate National Hat Day (seriously, have we devolved to this - a National Day for things to somehow regulate our emotions and obedience levels - to ascertain citizenship, which - how many times does this need to be repeated - is an entirely human man-made construct that means jack all. I've had British citizenship all my life and am still being regularly screwed over by our darling insane politicos. They have some emotional or mental health issues - no regular person would ever pass laws and regulations that they have to harm the entire population of humans and chop us at our knees so we have to fight so much harder to get to highest potential levels. It should never have been this challenging to get to where you wish to in 2017 - and that child pedophilia and sex trafficking is really happening and not a top priority - a flipping trident nuclear war system has priority over everything sane and humane. And this why I can't keep genuine hundred per cent respect for people who are in charge of charities yet grovel towards the establishment - something is amiss when you do that.

Dignity of the human soul and divine spark is paramount in our lives and it is TIME we woke up to that simple truth.).

When I started waking up 7 years ago, I was full of zeal because it was new and I assumed it also promised me a breakthrough that I needed and didn't get when I had gone on spiritual pilgrimage to Iran in 2007.

In 2017, the illusion that 2012 or 2016 would bring relief is gone. It won't happen in my lifetime.

I am unsure how a planet would sustain itself having being so severely raped, poisoned and disrespected.

When we look at it from the slightly pessimistic lens I have been seeing things, it seems fair to say I believe in an overarching being who is omnipotent and therefore has powers to click re-set or destroy and rebirth.

There are now perhaps too many voices and egos grappling for various resources that may actually turn out to be finite. Miracles abound but if the human race still insists on being in grunt mode (grunt mode being not waking up and living life in a two-dimensional egoic state, just as a five year old would behave perpetually), I honestly don't understand how Gaia can continue to take all the beating and still feel dignified.

Of course, that is why I am here and why a lot of us are here and went through a lot of stuff in order to wake up. being woke is not pleasant. I told my father that a day ago when I showed him the chem trails and he began mocking me with his laughter that sometimes sounds terrifyingly canned.

I promise you, none of us will ever get so bored that we invent lies and conspiracy theories to keep ourselves entertained. Most of us still wish that the planet just contained light and fluffy cotton candy. Chem trails? I'd never be able to dream of that stuff in a million years. Yet, someone did. I have had some thoughts that I probably picked from the collective unconscious and those are better dissolved. Not pleasant. Not even not acted upon in history.

Some days, I wish I was still unawake. I might relax and not have the quite constant panic episodes on the London underground. They kick up worse when unsettled people clamber onto the tube with all their content and expect me to sort it out energetically.

I have just gotten fed up of that and leave my seat and many times the train carriage and have waited for the next train.

It is also deeply disheartening to think that after seven years of promises and eloquently written articles about critical mass and first wave and second wave people, we still have so many people who are unawake.

I still don't meet people in my daily life to whom I can speak to, people who would become my allies and my vision community.

All the light workers I know are going through immense personal issues, not very pleasant and seem to enjoy being lone rangers or led like sheep by those flashy gurus who give you wrist bands to wear as yet another sign of branding.

So, for now, writing will need to be not as important as waking up and taking action.

Our waters are being polluted. Does that not make you feel sad? People at Standing Rock were entirely humiliated for wanting clean drinking water. Do we not see what's happening?

Water.

Our food is being poisoned and manipulated beyond belief? Does that not make you question? The honey bee is going to become extinct. They are dying. How is this even happening?

Vulnerable people are being told they can't have tax money for food and medicines, yet Amazon and Costa Coffee and all the big companies DO NOT PAY TAXES in the UK and ARE STILL being REWARDED for that? Does that not even make you flinch?

HSBC. Enough said.

Animals are being maimed, tortured, killed for meat and fur, for being a boy if it is a baby chick.... since when did we forget that animals are a part of us, a part of our souls?

The UK still has a redundant monarchy that perpetuates itself by painting itself as fluffy and benign. Why do we not see what's going on? I hope Diana Spencer and Modi al Fayed didn't both get assassinated in vain.

We do not need all of the flashy stuff, not when my brother is dying in Somalia in a famine and the only one with a heart is a basketball player who is being humiliated for being true and down to earth. But you see, at the end of the day, he is the one flying 50 tonnes of food to Somalia.

A friend of mine asked me recently how is it that all the New Age articles and books seem to still focus on the fluffy stuff, not talk about what real spiritual journeys are about? They are dark beyond belief and calling it a dark night of the soul doesn't put meat onto things.

She and I came up with the theory that the authors a) haven't really gone through the darkness like we are going through b) they have gone through it but either wanted to forget about it or didn't know how to help others through it so remained silent and c) are heavily guided and edited by publishing companies, including Watkins. There's also this inherent obsession with keeping positive and not manifesting crap through thoughts and words.

She also feels that because there are many younger souls waking up, the authors and teachers don't want to scare them off by telling them all the dark stuff is real and that every soul that dies before it's biological death will have to taste the darkness of the Shadow! I agree. It's intense and makes you question your entire reasons for being.

But today, whether it was due to the yellow legal pads or my having shamanic cord removals last week, I wrote and I wrote.

Without needing to justify the act of writing.

And I yearn for the day I can just be the writer and everyone is sorted. Not having to justify my yearning for putting magical words to paper and seeing them ignite a soul in a way I had not anticipated.

But, not now.

Now, we are activists and we bloody act in the name of what is decent and honourable. We stick it out. We get the strength from wherever we possibly can.

For they underestimate the human spirit. Or rather, the divine that resides within each of us.

We all have free will and most of us will choose to continue being asleep and never waking up. There are myriad reasons for why a soul would choose that actively on a daily basis. One of the simple truths is that becoming awake ain't for sissies. And so the younger souls are buffered with delicate veils of illusions to play around in until such a time when they are strong enough to bear different planes of reality.

I know I am one of them and have 
         accepted this 

as it brings me towards humility and 

               whilst prostrating 
                                     at the dust of my Beloved's feet, 
                                                                             I find great heights

I'm Not That Kind of Lightworker | Curated Post

I’m Not That Kind of Lightworker 

 

https://www.lovehaswon.org/love-blogs/im-not-that-kind-of-lightworker

April 02, 2017

By Victoria1111, 04/02/2017

Earlier today, as I stepped outside to enjoy a very rare treat of warm sunshine, I noticed the chemtrail thugs were at it again.

“You fuckers,” I mumbled.

Then I heard the words of others throughout my life, including some in the Ascension community:  “Language, Victoria.  Watch your language.”

Then I remembered the movie “Michael” with John Travolta, 1996.  He’s at the breakfast table, shoveling large piles of sugar-coated cereal in his mouth.  The newspaper people are asking him questions about his unusual behavior.  For an angel, shouldn’t he be clean.  Shouldn’t he have a halo. Shouldn’t we be hearing beautiful harp music around him.

Michael leans in, smiles and says, “I’m not that kind of angel.”

Well, I am not that kind of Lightworker either.

At least not all the time.

 

I am the type to stir the pot of Truth with a beautiful chalice, pulling out all the dirt I can find, then pointing it out to people while saying “Look at that crap! Do you see it?  Let’s get to work cleaning it up!”

I have a deep abiding Sense of Purpose to Help.  To help uncover Truth. To help share that Truth.  And to help ensure none of us are ever victimized again by those who have shielded us from the Truth.

Yes, there are different types of Lightworkers.  I am one part fairy/angel of soft gentleness combined with one part kick-butt Rogue Warrior. Always coupled with a massive wall of compassion and humbleness.

Well, most always.

So when I see others who call themselves a Lightworker claim there is really only one real type, I say nonsense.

We come in a variety of packages.

All with the same purpose.

To spread Source Love.

To speak Truth.

Sometimes gentleness is called for.

Other times the Warrior needs to come in and clean house.

For you see, Love In Action looks different in all situations, especially in the world known as the Matrix.

For to break down such a system requires ALL types and beautiful varieties of Lightworkers.

Those who put sugar on their cereal.

And those who don’t.

The different fabrics of souls (1)

Stunning mosaic art work

I met someone new over the weekend. I already knew he was happily married with two children before we even met in the flesh, so this time I fortunately didn't get my hopes up. We didn't interact much during the full day workshop we were participating at, mainly because it was more task based and taking in information than that of interaction. At lunch, we were at different tables.

I found it easier to be in this group setting yet I still had a panic attack in the morning and had to do some deep breathing and hold onto a crystal for the morning session.

It has been a challenging week.

He was gracious enough to drop me half way home, to the nearest TfL Underground station that didn't mean him going out of his way. Very logical. Had to go back home to his kids.

Again, on my pilgrimage to Iraq earlier this month, I had asked for my genuine and real soul family to come up so I can begin making new and hopefully longer lasting connections. No karma, no drama.

So the first guy I'm sent along is a surprise, since I have been hiding and in hibernation for months now, after having been repeatedly hurt by male members of the human species. I seem to have been attracting the really sensitive ones who have been hurt so badly, they have barbed wires around their hearts and minds and have punctured me so much whilst all I tried to do was heal their hearts.

A hard lesson learned.

He is someone who again I didn't even bother to exchange contact details with or even ask what his last name was, because of the very old paradigm of me connecting so quickly and comfortably with a Muslim man who is married.

We felt like old friends from the start. I did fall into an old pattern of sounding somewhat superficial and involved with the mundane realities of life, only because I suppose I had to speak in a language he would understand. It felt so good to just be my daft self, not even knowing how connect to the Bluetooth of his BMW and not being able to help charge his phone properly.

We drove in silence for a while (he couldn't take too much quiet for reasons unknown) as the sun was setting and as we passed lush green fields and beautiful trees, I realised this is what a normal romantic relationship would feel like. It made me sad that, in 33 years, I am yet to experience such simple pleasures of life.

And yet the acceptance of my current life and all of the past heavy karmic involvements with others washed through me. "My next life-time will be better, inshallah" is my new appeasing phrase to myself.

We were driving past Hyde Park when he complained about his frustration with the Muslim community doing the defunct thing every Thursday of going to the mosque and wasting X amount of hours in a year over nothing.

"We should do something more social, why doesn't anyone do something more casual?"

I replied: Well, there are people who are doing a lot of stuff, but they are the ones who have been excommunicated from the community!" And then I continued, "Look, you have to understand that there are different soul ages and levels. From my perspective, 80% of people who are currently Muslim are like that because if they WEREN'T Muslim, and weren't under some rules and regulations, they would cause such chaos in the world. I am one such person, if I hadn't had a grounding, I'd have been even more lost than I am now."

He nodded his head in assent.

"There are many people who are infant souls. Now someone who is kindergarten and reached Year five is doing quite well for himself. You can't expect that person to become a PhD. You have to understand this. And as for those of us (such as you and I) who are going beyond that and seeking more, well, that's because... um (at that point, I was so exhausted, my words were failing me and couldn't come out as poetic and meaningful as I would have liked) .. the fabric of our souls is different."

Yes, he felt like soul family. I haven't felt this comfortable with anyone in such a long time, at least since my colleague from the job I left a year ago. The same colleague who was such a source of support to me for two years has now decided to ignore me entirely.

And this is why I no longer can rely on anyone. Because they will always fail you.

Hadhrat Abbas (a.s.) shrine at Dhuhr prayer

I had gone to Iraq to pray for myself, pray for Iraq, pray for the dire way the UK is going, pray for every animal and every soul. Pray, pray, pray for my entire life to shift and change. For me to just be free from all that is holding me back.

I may need to write a separate post on my journey there. It deserves such respect.

For now, I can say I felt such immense peace at the shrines in Najaf, Karbala and Kadhmain. The energy shimmered. I didn't feel the loss of family or lovers or friends.

It felt as though my real divine mother had taken me up and was cradling me in her arms. This was specifically at the shrine of Abu Fadhl Abbas ibn Ali. Such peace, such belonging. I cried almost every time. My heart hurt. I couldn't recite anything, I would just look at the children playing and pray for their safety and well being and look at the sparrows flitting about the shrine, making thier place there.

It felt so good being there. Two weeks in a place without any chem trails. I could breathe. Although I really dislike wearing the black chador, at least I blended in and no one stared at me as  they do in London. I had very few, if any, people sticking to my butt as well.

I came back to London and I miss it. But I could not live in Iraq. Not right now. Maybe when there is peace in that land, I may try to live in Baghdad or any place where I don't need to cover from head to toe.

The orphan children and their smiles.... I would like to experience serving the orphans in a very real and practical way.

Beautiful Iraqi children in Najaf, selling trinkets on the street instead of being in school

I feel more at home there than I do in London or any other place in the West I have visited. London has very dark energies, and most light workers I speak to agree with me on this. They all feel they would be a lot better suited to another place, the countryside or elsewhere. Perhaps we all decided to come here because we were called to cleanse the place.

But for some of us, the pain and drama is not worth awakening an entire city or planet for. It is no longer acceptable to my own soul, I deserve better than the experiences that continue to occur with me in this city. With people feeling so disconnected form themselves and the general chaos in this city, surely I know better than to continue staying here.

I never thought I would go so far as to say I feel imprisoned living in London. I know there might be a city or town somewhere else in the UK whereby my soul could rest and breathe freely. Or somewhere else in the world whereby my footsteps and presence would be loved and cherished.

It is just a matter of asking God to help reveal the next steps and finally remove the obstacles to it all.

If I was to detail the fabric of my own soul, it is of the most delicate and fine material, wispy and loving. Warm shades of pink, mauve, blue, green, splashes of bright yellow and giggles. A deep cat's purr.

(C) Kenji Kumara, all rights reserved

There is a reason why the Qu'erro shared their healing knowledge and wisdom with us "Western" people. We need healing more than ever.

Even though I think I've done the healing, today my shaman told me I have to keep doing the healing.

It is what it is.

May I finally submit to what God wishes for me, instead of going against the divine plan and ending up with nothing all over again.

That burnt out feeling of a tired soul that wants release

Curtained by multiple shadows; curtailed by my own creation

I still have no idea why I am writing or what I am writing.

I feel slightly better today, I'm supposing the geomagnetic storm has gotten over it's worst.

What I am, as a young soul, realising is that my mental intellect has been very good at preventing me from growing as a person. As well as my cultural and family circumstances.

Ii had a conversation with a friend of mine today. Someone who is probably the closest person to me right now, but because of circumstances and also my karmic blueprint, it still isn't what I would call a close friendship. We used to be closer when he and I had more time. But as you grow, you realise that the reasons that brought you together were somewhat fallacious and karma working.

I have noticed he has been extremely distant with me in the last few months, so much so I never know what's going on in his life. He has a busy life that excludes me so I have to make appointments in advance to meet him and end up seeing him now only twice or thrice a year, whereas at the start I managed to meet him a lot more frequently.

So he confided in me things he never ever mentioned to me in the 6 years I have known him. And, usually, I would feel hurt that I tell him everything and he still kept secrets from me.

But I can't afford to feel like that. It is things like this that show you that you may have a tendency to invest so much energy and emotion into relationships and not really be able to attract or bring out that same response from others.

And you accept that the relationships that were so weighty, so priceless to you - have been washed through with your rainbow like imagination, which still believes in winged unicorns and faeries instead of realising that you need new friends who better complement your personality and relating style.

You also realise how easy it is to box someone into a certain mindset you have about life. They tell you something about themselves that runs contrary to everything you knew or assumed about them and you have to shake your brain in order to re-order it into the new paradigm.

But it is better to face all of the multiple shadows of your soul and mind head on rather than deluding yourself.

One person I thought was my support decided I was not right for her and so left off all contact a few months ago. I ought to have really faced my shadow then, but all that happened is I felt so hurt and pained, I had more soul loss as a result of the trauma of losing yet another friend without being able to change how I was perceiving the information and my words and actions. and what makes this a lot worse for my ego is that she is highly spiritual and psychic and so if someone who is spiritually so powerful can't stand being around you, it gives a hint that something is desperately in need of change inside of you.

The only caveat is this internal spiritual change is so freaking messy and ugly and pulls all of your bs out and you can write something that you regret later on, but at the time it was entirely necessary as part of your soul's and human's journey.

The thing is, we all are angels, and we all came from starlight at some point, yet this murky world has bent and shaped us into something other than that. And we forget and the entire quest of existence is to remember and reclaim the lost parts and to reconnect with those ethereal parts of ourselves and those of the ascended masters like Yeshua, Rumi and Shems... and Abdul Qadir Gilani.

Well, not all of us, but I am praying that somehow one day this avenue will truly open for me. It is currently still blocked, due to my current state.

In my counselling sessions, I have realised that I still only have a limited amount of ways to respond to life, like a child. I am the least experienced person I know.

I am the one who had so many aspirations yet somehow resigned myself to the fact that would just remain in fancy, in spirit never to come to earth and be realised.

Maybe that's why I turn to writing. If you think about it, what is writing?

You take unseen ideas, untouchable ideas and sort of make them real by writing them by using a piece of lead on a piece of tree bark.

Yet, at the end of the day, all you have is leaves of paper in a book that has been bound. A lot of intellectual ideas perhaps and dreams and observations - yet you sat down and wrote it all down.

The really talented writers of course have first experienced everything first hand before putting pen to paper. Well, in the case of Ursula Le Guin or JK Rowling, that would be real in the 5th or higher dimensions.

And then they write.

Someone like me needs to retire from writing until she has had enough of real life experience.

As in, experience where things were received and truly enjoyed and experienced. A first kiss, a backpacking gap year, real friendship with real soul family, figuring a way to really shift the tides that the planet is heading into at the moment financially, socially and morally,  moving countries and finally finding a place that really is "home". Meeting Ranbir Kapoor when he's in the UK instead of imagining how he is when I see movie trailers for Ae Dil Hai Mushkil.

You know, regular ****.

Things that come so easily to the vast majority of the population. Somehow, the vast majority of souls actually love themselves and desire a life of ease and progress.

A flowering of sorts.

The shaman said that my core issue was simple, I still hated myself.

And so, you are so powerful as to create the blocks and the avenues for all sorts of sabotages and delusions and illusions.

That you somehow accept the servitude and mental slavery brought upon you by being born in a place like the UK, living in places like Pakistan and Canada but not really living.

We must obey these nonsensical laws and sacrifice ourselves to some abstract ideals of society and even when I questioned them, it was with a very superficial 20 year old at a liberal arts college kind of mentality and perspective.

***

The spiritual hits keep coming. In a way, it's a huge honour that God wants to rip my entire being of any arrogance and shred of human programmes. Whereby nothing makes sense, nothing truly matters and I feel I'm in a perpetual existential crisis.

***

Having said that, God still allows us to move into the light.

I am about to embark upon a life changing trip and return somewhat different. I have been very panicked about it, and had to just remind myself that this is something I have desired for 8 years. Some things just need to be done. Even if they are the worst mistake you've made so far, sometimes the trajectory of life becomes "maktub" and you go along because your spirit wants a good experience that your conscious mind doesn't comprehend.

I remember the first night in Turkey. I got to Konya quite late, around 10:30 pm and became afraid about the taxi cab only to realise it was not at all a huge deal and I was safe. it is funny when you feel safter in an entirely new city where you really don't understand the language as compared to living in the UK, where you have been born and raised.

The old souls have the right idea: this is a free pplanet and they behave as thouh it is also a palnet of generosity and abundance and solutions.

The younger souls, such as myself, still have a long way to go before we truly feel this in out 8 original cells.

Perhaps, until then, none of my writing will ever make full sense to anyone, including myself.

Yet, the good news is that I am no longer pandering to the rules of blogging that I learned so painstakingly last year.

Life and God threw me spanners in the works in the forms of soul loss and entity attachments and really untenable working relationships and conditions until something in me told me I deserve so much more than this bs, and now my perspective is more esoteric all over again.

I am still on this earth, yet I can no longer confine and constrain myself to a superficial level of spirituality that the New Age movement has somewhat diluted. As much as we would like, the shift is not going to happen overnight.

We have centuries of crap to wipe up and transform, so 50 years seems as though it is the blink of an eye in comparison. Which it is, but living it out n this video game is an entirely different kettle of fish.

Even today, whilst speaking to my neighbours, I saw how all of my old patterns rose up and I started repeating the same words and judgements that I assumed I had dealt with.

I am sure there is a way we can invent whereby we just constantly immerse ourselves with our authentic energy and the light codes.

***

If I ever am able to push through this renewed spiritual ignorance and dark night of soul that feels both so singular and alone and lonely and also very connected, I may be guided by God to write about an entirely different level of awareness.

About how the old healing modalities are being phased out to allow for core core healing on a deep and **** stirring level. About how soul retrieval is ESSENTIAL for each of us. About how many people have lost the plot and become gurus WHILST preaching about how each of us is truly our own guru and empowered within. There is a lot of NLP and hypnosis being used with less than scrupulous intentions, and I have experienced it first hand with truly devastating consequences upon my life and experiences.

About how, once you get through the 3D stage into 4D, you may sometimes repeat a circumstance and it actually feels worse than the first time around! And that the key is to see the train wreck and forgive it and know that it too is a blessing somehow.

You can't work in a job that is not right for you, not for very long, it isn't a valid energy exchange.

You have to truly give yourself permission to entirely devastate all the conclusions you made about yourself, others and life... to truly liberate yourself.

And that shamanism is truly a deeply profound healing modality and sometimes it's best to work on yourself in a one to one and learn how to do journeying rather than going to group healings where the facilitators have better successes with people with fewer soul traumas.

***

I have also concluded for now that the person I assumed was my twin flame for seven long, long years - isn't. It is quite devastating news for me on one level, but of course, the shadows and the intricately fabricated lies MUST be destroyed in order for my precious soul to find it's truth and liberation.

A person I never met and who never wishes to meet me, how on earth can that person be the same consciousness as mine?

As I am becoming acutely aware, most humans do not have any issues with relating to one another, to meeting people, mingling and doing all sorts with each other. They feel closeness and connection.

I have stopped feeling connected to him since April last year, but it was this stubborn belief that our souls were intertwined in the fifth dimension that allowed me to hold on to all of the fabrications, again encouraged by some misguided New Age theorists.

I am not saying twin flame as a construct isn't a reality, just that I am yet to meet mine. This person was a karmic soul mate and is probably relieved that I am slowly truly releasing him from the containment of my beliefs and projections.

My soul feels relieved that finally, I am learning that there truly is a big world out there. New Zealand, Iceland, anywhere non European and that there will be many people I will meet who are truly free souls, who will dance to hip hop and Latino music with me on the beach, who will teach me more about the Pleiadies and Orion and Arcturus and Lemuria than even I know.

I also feel that I am not the only one who is now really allowing themselves to be free to discover who they truly are and what that means for their purpose on this planet.

That's why my eyes are opening to all the shadows that have curtained my entire (somewhat miserable) existence on this planet this time around.

The Dark Ages were hard enough for this planet to survive, and this is now a second wave of darkness, only subtly foiled and embellished to make us feel as though we are moving forward. Not quite yet...

As long as there are animals, children, women, cis gender or any other humans being abused, harmed and exploited, whether willingly or unwillingly, we are still replicating Atlantis when it became so rotten that we all fell into a pit.

***

Yet, I can see the signs of unity, little rainbow colour strands of energy shimmering between different objects that I couldn't sense before.

The more you melt and crumble the harsh walls of your own heart, mind, sight.... the more that will reverberate in the hearts, minds and sight of the others.

Because, truly we are the exact same consciousness.

But never imagine that it is going to be pretty. This is planet Earth, we deal with muck and dirt whilst acknowledging the equisite beauty that is also unfolding at the same time.

Exact same time.

Not all of us will learn, most will not in this lifetime. There will be other lifetimes until we are able to accomplish this. But this is the turning point.

I am not sure why or how, but if someone like myself is finally learning her soul lessons.... that means it's shifting.

A part of me sorely wants life to be as innocent as it seemed when I was 19. But we passed that threshold and can never come back.

We are all growing up finally. 
We have to. 
It will get better. 
It is a divine promise.

Delaying my healing has had major consequences

I don't trust myself to write or communicate these days. I cannot even remember when was the last moment I felt inspired to write something that would inform or heal, either myself or another.

I have been made to realise that any excitement I felt last year regarding blogging or growing was just the build up of more illusions to be cracked open.

The last two months have been a real struggle. The interesting thing I find about living this human life is that you can be submerged in a very dark place, and yet it will feel normal and bearable until one day, it isn't any longer.

You can feel so devoid of pleasure in the small things in life, or in yourself or in the work that you are doing - and that feels like the norm. Why? Because you look at the devastation being wreaked world over and therefore in your own life and see that as the only way things are meant to be for very long.

There is a lot happening on this planet right now that is something we are being forced to experience and to witness, just as though the Universe hired someone to perversely smack a wet smelly fish in your face every day.

I used to be proud of being "English", "British", "Western" because of the way they programme you to differentiate yourself from another and then somehow either feel inferior or superior as a result.

I am looking at the systemic raping of the UK by people who are insane and entirely disconnected from their true divine souls. The people on TV have no light emanating from their eyes.

I wish to ignore them in order to remain sane, and then I hear about another ridiculous piece of legislation being passed so that people effectively are murdered in Calais and Germany due to the freezing conditions, whilst those bloody Canary Wharf apartments are still empty.

But to follow every single minutae of the 3D conscious fighting like a dying pig to stay alive, is to ensure that I will undo any good work I have done in my own life.

The two eclipses have happened and apparently, these ones will allow us to heal whcih means facing the shadow.

What are my shadows? A lot of self harm. Loads. Ensuring that I don't experience joy and that I experience much delay in my life towards beauty and grace.

I cannot answer why this is the case. It is not as though I did not try.

I went for a shamanic soul retrieval with someone in 2015 and a past life regression in 2016. On hindsight, I really ought to have done a second soul retrieval instead of being bogged down with the mystique of finding out past life trauma. Because niether of those actually helped me in reality. In spite of the integrity of the women who did the ceremonies.

What I had forgotten to ask was whatever is the crux of the matter, let that come to light and be healed.

So any of the healings I went to never really addressed what the core was.

And, frankly, that has angered me to such a degree. At first, I was going to complain that I went to the wrong people. But, it turns out, it was my subconscious that ensured I was in 7 years of what I can only describe is hell.

Not wanting to be on the planet and wanting to leave, but not being able to. Living a half existene with almost zero energy.

So I was told I had major soul fragmentation. And this was all the way in December and I STILL delayed my healing until last week.

Another shaman, another one-to-one healing. This guy was the real deal and had been highly recommended as a top class entity remover.

Yes, I will be mentioning the fact that I have been plagued by entities sucking my divine light for a long time. It is not uncommon and the more it is normalised, the less people such as myself will delay their removal.

We had a good chat, I felt comfortable telling him and he said, we don't have to choose which to do first - we'll do both.

I lay down and was beaten by reeds and rattles and some beautifully scented rose water thrown upon me.

The thing about shamanic journeying is that somehow I have never gotten any visuals at all for what is going on energetically.

And now apparently, I am free. They were sucking my energy dry and it is testament to how storng I am that i was still sort of functioning in spite of all of that.

The soul loss has been substantial. From ages 4 - 24, I lost even more of myself every two years.

Due to my self hatred and fear of accepting my power.

I have been in a weird state for the last week and since somethings seem to be shifting yet for the most part nothing has, I doubt if I allowed myself to be healed.

I have noticed certain changes in myself: I am not feeling so weighted in the head or shoulders any longer. I am able to remain more stable emotionally and see things more rationally, as well as with love.


Then the eclipse began triggering the shadows like anything.

That it took me by surprise.

This is why I say I can't trust myself to write these days.

In the past, I have been eloquent but always wrote in a heavy, depressed, negative style. So I'd have people I'd consider to be Pollyannas telling me that I need to delete my old social network posts or to stop judgement and criticism.

And it used to really anger me that my work and state wasn't accepted for what it was.

And now, I just have nothing to write.

Anything I write for the short term is just me expressing that which seems so forbidden to express.

Grief, anger, rage, confusion...

I can't trust my reality any longer.

The man I was addicted to like cocaine, I don't feel any love in my heart for him any more. It is worrying to actually dislike him and feel very indifferent. I suppose this is a phase I must go through and take my love to causes that would receive it.

It took me 20 days to reply to his message, when all he is doing is being polite and replying to my initial message. It feels as though my soul has become so bored and weary of the unavoidable karma I'm living through, it can't be bothered to go through the motions.

If it is an illusion and a lie, make that clear and then I move on. We were all born to be truly liberated from all of the dirt and muck. So how long before it actually just shifts?

In another post, I hope to be able to string a post together to emphasise how important it is to begin your healing NOW.

If there's any wisdom to be taken from my experience, it is to face the crap head on and get the shamanic soul retrieval instead of doing superficial healings or self development, being led astray by healers who are confused and sought to confuse you...

Please don't delay your soul healings, your soul retrievals.

Make 2017 the year you stop suffering at a soul level.

Because, believe it or not, once you allow yourself to do the weird shamanic stuff, you set a precedent for all of us to heal, so we can empower ourselves and ensure that the craziness of the world is transmuted into peace and into something that resembles a planet that is loved and respected.

People are just being ignored and abused, and it is done by people who have soul fragmentation to people with the same.

Find a genuine shaman, Someone who ACTUALLY KNOWS what the heck they are doing. I have had my share of narcissistic healers who painted a beautiful scene and ended up having diluted intentions or motives that were not for the benefit for the client.

Of curse, we can safely say that I only attracted those people into my life in accordance with what I was magnetising. And it was pretty awful and painful and entirely unnecessary, but some of us just don't figure these things out until you go through many near death experiences.

What I am currently experiencing as a result of clearing blocks is dreams which have people from the past either crying or re-enacting the horrible karmic incidents as a way to hopefully exorcise myself from the past for good.

It's not a pretty place being where i have been and where I am in now.

Because I also attract the not so nice faces of others as a result of the negativity still releasing from me.

There have been many misunderstandings and secrets being kept. Betrayals that are so lame that I just shake my head at the people I have to complete karma with.

So it seems that I have to begin from the beginning.

But this time, there is no drama required with the regrets, shame, fear, guilt and all the rest of it.

The heartening thing is that I will hopefully choose a better life plan for my next incarnation. This one seems to be written by a horror story enthusiast.

I am aware that this is writing of many strands and we will just accept this as is, a reflection of reality - of what the awakening or ascension process really is like.

It SUCKS, sometimes.

Unnecessary drama and delusion.

I've lost everyone and everything. I lost myself, repeatedly. Now I see the world mirroring the chaos I have been inside for 15 years. Everything that has the potential for good is being used for nefarious reasons, even as far as internet use is being spied on and Facebook and Google recording everything we say via or smartphones and laptops. Cows and goats being raped and tortured in order to feed our inexhaustable craving for milk and dairy. It's as though we never knew that a cow can only give milk when pregnant, therefore she has to be repeatedly raped in roder to give birth and lactate.

It's as though this simple connection slipped our awareness or we conveniently forgot.

And I feel helpless.

Because until I learn how exactly to bring my power back, I am of no use to the world.

What is really concerning me is that a week after having the soul retrievals and everything, I still feel as physically unwell as before. And my mind doesn't seem to compute very well.

I pray other people journeying towards freedom, empowerment and truth are having a better time of this. I'd be happy to follow that path as well.

Finally, my friend took out a card for me to help me face more of my shadow. I had a furiously inappropriate reaction to seeing a man and woman in love interacting with each other in Senate Hall, at SOAS last week. I thought I had made peace with my aloneness and the loneliness. But they were the gift to show how much it hasn't healed.

Logically, how can anyone even expect to fall in love when the world is in need of some real action? And the fact that I can't even maintain a steady job that I actually love?

But that's what's still unhealed. My frequency is still fluctuating and I feel a lot of pain. There is suffering too, which is always not ideal.

I am sure that once I heal this, it will be easier to heal the other stuff.

There's an unbelievable amount of stuff. And nowhere to run at all.


Blessings x

Miracles happen when you gain perspective

The miracles happen when you gain perspective.

When you're on the precipice of actually finally growing up. Or growing. Or morphing.

The miracle is that your intuition kicks in again for the small stuff. You wonder at God's mercy upon you. You wonder at the bizarre nature of the universe.

You wonder at how peaceful your solitude has become and how helpful some healers are. So kind, so humble, so effective in helping you.

The jaw pain is gone. It wasn't mine, it was a cumulative projection of a very nasty nature that tried to kill me for a very long time. I have been weakened to such a degree, everybody whom I thought loved me has written me off.

I wrote myself off. So much so I don't write any longer, because all avenues were shut.

But the blessing of God putting His light inside of you is your ego, which is the inner child, stops craving things. Craving the fame, the celebrity, the fortune, the people.

I thought it would be difficult being fired. It is a release from a hellish situation that compromised my dignity and my energy fields.

In the past, I always assumed my doors were shut when something like this happened.

But no, my heart has been freed from the chains and the burdens of the life I once was forced to lead.

Comparison, competition, banality.

The light pours forth in every pore and I don't allow people to partake of it any longer. They have their own source, they will connect directly.

That has been my missing link. I assumed I had to give and deprive myself.

No. It was fallacy.

A miracle happened to me a few days ago. I crossed the road and saw a dead pigeon on the road, cars driving over it. I walked away at first, but my heart was so soft, so so soft, it has not felt this soft since I used to care for all of my cats in Pakistan.

My heart didn't fear the London public who sometimes really feel like automatic video game characters. Usually I fear the shame of being different, of caring. Of slowing down, stopping and being a feeling human in the grid, breaking up the matrix a little more.

No, my heart couldn't but be kind to the pigeon. It had already died, but of course the body deserves as much respect as we can give. In the middle of a busy street in Euston.

So I waited until the cars drove away, and stepped onto the road and quickly collected the pigeon in my arms. And walked with it, asking myself where would I keep it? I decided to lay it in a flower bed in one of the gardens encircling the School of Oriental and African Sciences and prayed for it's soul. I stroked its feathers could feel the softness, the care with which the Creator had created this precious bird.

We were one, the body was soft and limp, she or he had recently passed.

I wouldn't have done that before the healings. There's always been this thing stopping me from being kind and courageous in that kindness, just being normally who I am.

I have had a rusted heart, dead and conflicted.

So that is my miracle. A soft heart that allowed me, rather compelled me, to pick up a dead animal and show some respect to Life.

"There is no need for communication at this time as you are finally being freed from the shackles that bind you. The reason your friends give you the incorrect answers is to show you what your truth is, where your values lie. They all are in their own headspin. You have gone through that already. They may not see it, but you always knew. You were first in some things, at least. Maybe. Depends which timeline you're in.

We are here in service. We serve the people we serve. If there was stuff done to you, you created it. But God's names are the cure.

When your heart is filled with this bliss, you stop craving people. You care, but Sukaina has stopped clawing and craving and seeking and having energy transfer.

You can appreciate beauty without wishing to own it or even be it.

The glasses will come off more and your sense of being in a video game will stabilise into what it truly is becoming: neutrality. The only reason they intentionally or (being generous) were not shown your real issues is perhaps you had to experience what it feels like to be screwed over so many times by the people. Maybe you did it to others, which you did.

But also, how on earth do we love ourselves as a pure and successful failure? By being one. By failing in every possible way, yet also succeeding. By being surrounded by people who somehow seem more closed in than they were a few years ago. You are more closed in."

What has happened for us in the last ten years?

Did we achieve the soul's growth at a blessed reasonable pace? Because if we didn't, then I want my normal human life back please.

A Sufi healer performed a healing for me, whispered the holy names of the saints and I broke down into tears because of the realisations and power of the words.

Don't make these things mean anything.

We are an ocean. This life is the jagged rocks in the sea, mixed up with beautiful sand.

Perhaps at some point we all will stabilise. Perhaps we will reignite the human values and dignity for which we were sent here to establish. But right now, humans are dying in the freezing cold because we still can't offer our homes or a system whereby everyone has shelter.

Humans are considered dispensible, because apparently there are too many of us here. That is my question: why are so many.... Oh. That's why.

So many are incarnating in this lifetime because it is the age of Aquarius. It will possibly be that once its done, population will shrink and not as many will incarnate.

There will be less need for this many starseeds on earth.

Wow. Makes sense. I hope I'm given permission to stay away for a while




There is no need for communication verbally because you need the time for peace, for love and truth and communion only with Source, who is also known by the beautiful name of Ar- Rabbi.

There will come a time sweetheart when the karma will balance out. You will find the soul friends who will cuddle your heart in the way you wish you could cuddle theirs.

We all are the ocean.

It is a game and if you are able to comprehend, it takes away the pain of others misunderstanding you. Or themselves or life. Or your own misunderstanding of life.

Because we all go through the cycles. And some days things are clear and other days are not.

The miracle is in how easy it is for me now to let go and forget at the end of the day.

Oh no, repeated a mistake. Oh well, didn't learn.

The gashes are more superficial and shallow.

I am becoming more human.

- Sukaina Juma
14/01/2017