I still have no idea why I am writing or what I am writing.
I feel slightly better today, I'm supposing the geomagnetic storm has gotten over it's worst.
What I am, as a young soul, realising is that my mental intellect has been very good at preventing me from growing as a person. As well as my cultural and family circumstances.
Ii had a conversation with a friend of mine today. Someone who is probably the closest person to me right now, but because of circumstances and also my karmic blueprint, it still isn't what I would call a close friendship. We used to be closer when he and I had more time. But as you grow, you realise that the reasons that brought you together were somewhat fallacious and karma working.
I have noticed he has been extremely distant with me in the last few months, so much so I never know what's going on in his life. He has a busy life that excludes me so I have to make appointments in advance to meet him and end up seeing him now only twice or thrice a year, whereas at the start I managed to meet him a lot more frequently.
So he confided in me things he never ever mentioned to me in the 6 years I have known him. And, usually, I would feel hurt that I tell him everything and he still kept secrets from me.
But I can't afford to feel like that. It is things like this that show you that you may have a tendency to invest so much energy and emotion into relationships and not really be able to attract or bring out that same response from others.
And you accept that the relationships that were so weighty, so priceless to you - have been washed through with your rainbow like imagination, which still believes in winged unicorns and faeries instead of realising that you need new friends who better complement your personality and relating style.
You also realise how easy it is to box someone into a certain mindset you have about life. They tell you something about themselves that runs contrary to everything you knew or assumed about them and you have to shake your brain in order to re-order it into the new paradigm.
But it is better to face all of the multiple shadows of your soul and mind head on rather than deluding yourself.
One person I thought was my support decided I was not right for her and so left off all contact a few months ago. I ought to have really faced my shadow then, but all that happened is I felt so hurt and pained, I had more soul loss as a result of the trauma of losing yet another friend without being able to change how I was perceiving the information and my words and actions. and what makes this a lot worse for my ego is that she is highly spiritual and psychic and so if someone who is spiritually so powerful can't stand being around you, it gives a hint that something is desperately in need of change inside of you.
The only caveat is this internal spiritual change is so freaking messy and ugly and pulls all of your bs out and you can write something that you regret later on, but at the time it was entirely necessary as part of your soul's and human's journey.
The thing is, we all are angels, and we all came from starlight at some point, yet this murky world has bent and shaped us into something other than that. And we forget and the entire quest of existence is to remember and reclaim the lost parts and to reconnect with those ethereal parts of ourselves and those of the ascended masters like Yeshua, Rumi and Shems... and Abdul Qadir Gilani.
Well, not all of us, but I am praying that somehow one day this avenue will truly open for me. It is currently still blocked, due to my current state.
In my counselling sessions, I have realised that I still only have a limited amount of ways to respond to life, like a child. I am the least experienced person I know.
I am the one who had so many aspirations yet somehow resigned myself to the fact that would just remain in fancy, in spirit never to come to earth and be realised.
Maybe that's why I turn to writing. If you think about it, what is writing?
You take unseen ideas, untouchable ideas and sort of make them real by writing them by using a piece of lead on a piece of tree bark.
Yet, at the end of the day, all you have is leaves of paper in a book that has been bound. A lot of intellectual ideas perhaps and dreams and observations - yet you sat down and wrote it all down.
The really talented writers of course have first experienced everything first hand before putting pen to paper. Well, in the case of Ursula Le Guin or JK Rowling, that would be real in the 5th or higher dimensions.
And then they write.
Someone like me needs to retire from writing until she has had enough of real life experience.
As in, experience where things were received and truly enjoyed and experienced. A first kiss, a backpacking gap year, real friendship with real soul family, figuring a way to really shift the tides that the planet is heading into at the moment financially, socially and morally, moving countries and finally finding a place that really is "home". Meeting Ranbir Kapoor when he's in the UK instead of imagining how he is when I see movie trailers for Ae Dil Hai Mushkil.
You know, regular ****.
Things that come so easily to the vast majority of the population. Somehow, the vast majority of souls actually love themselves and desire a life of ease and progress.
A flowering of sorts.
The shaman said that my core issue was simple, I still hated myself.
And so, you are so powerful as to create the blocks and the avenues for all sorts of sabotages and delusions and illusions.
That you somehow accept the servitude and mental slavery brought upon you by being born in a place like the UK, living in places like Pakistan and Canada but not really living.
We must obey these nonsensical laws and sacrifice ourselves to some abstract ideals of society and even when I questioned them, it was with a very superficial 20 year old at a liberal arts college kind of mentality and perspective.
***
The spiritual hits keep coming. In a way, it's a huge honour that God wants to rip my entire being of any arrogance and shred of human programmes. Whereby nothing makes sense, nothing truly matters and I feel I'm in a perpetual existential crisis.
***
Having said that, God still allows us to move into the light.
I am about to embark upon a life changing trip and return somewhat different. I have been very panicked about it, and had to just remind myself that this is something I have desired for 8 years. Some things just need to be done. Even if they are the worst mistake you've made so far, sometimes the trajectory of life becomes "maktub" and you go along because your spirit wants a good experience that your conscious mind doesn't comprehend.
I remember the first night in Turkey. I got to Konya quite late, around 10:30 pm and became afraid about the taxi cab only to realise it was not at all a huge deal and I was safe. it is funny when you feel safter in an entirely new city where you really don't understand the language as compared to living in the UK, where you have been born and raised.
The old souls have the right idea: this is a free pplanet and they behave as thouh it is also a palnet of generosity and abundance and solutions.
The younger souls, such as myself, still have a long way to go before we truly feel this in out 8 original cells.
Perhaps, until then, none of my writing will ever make full sense to anyone, including myself.
Yet, the good news is that I am no longer pandering to the rules of blogging that I learned so painstakingly last year.
Life and God threw me spanners in the works in the forms of soul loss and entity attachments and really untenable working relationships and conditions until something in me told me I deserve so much more than this bs, and now my perspective is more esoteric all over again.
I am still on this earth, yet I can no longer confine and constrain myself to a superficial level of spirituality that the New Age movement has somewhat diluted. As much as we would like, the shift is not going to happen overnight.
We have centuries of crap to wipe up and transform, so 50 years seems as though it is the blink of an eye in comparison. Which it is, but living it out n this video game is an entirely different kettle of fish.
Even today, whilst speaking to my neighbours, I saw how all of my old patterns rose up and I started repeating the same words and judgements that I assumed I had dealt with.
I am sure there is a way we can invent whereby we just constantly immerse ourselves with our authentic energy and the light codes.
***
If I ever am able to push through this renewed spiritual ignorance and dark night of soul that feels both so singular and alone and lonely and also very connected, I may be guided by God to write about an entirely different level of awareness.
About how the old healing modalities are being phased out to allow for core core healing on a deep and **** stirring level. About how soul retrieval is ESSENTIAL for each of us. About how many people have lost the plot and become gurus WHILST preaching about how each of us is truly our own guru and empowered within. There is a lot of NLP and hypnosis being used with less than scrupulous intentions, and I have experienced it first hand with truly devastating consequences upon my life and experiences.
About how, once you get through the 3D stage into 4D, you may sometimes repeat a circumstance and it actually feels worse than the first time around! And that the key is to see the train wreck and forgive it and know that it too is a blessing somehow.
You can't work in a job that is not right for you, not for very long, it isn't a valid energy exchange.
You have to truly give yourself permission to entirely devastate all the conclusions you made about yourself, others and life... to truly liberate yourself.
And that shamanism is truly a deeply profound healing modality and sometimes it's best to work on yourself in a one to one and learn how to do journeying rather than going to group healings where the facilitators have better successes with people with fewer soul traumas.
***
I have also concluded for now that the person I assumed was my twin flame for seven long, long years - isn't. It is quite devastating news for me on one level, but of course, the shadows and the intricately fabricated lies MUST be destroyed in order for my precious soul to find it's truth and liberation.
A person I never met and who never wishes to meet me, how on earth can that person be the same consciousness as mine?
As I am becoming acutely aware, most humans do not have any issues with relating to one another, to meeting people, mingling and doing all sorts with each other. They feel closeness and connection.
I have stopped feeling connected to him since April last year, but it was this stubborn belief that our souls were intertwined in the fifth dimension that allowed me to hold on to all of the fabrications, again encouraged by some misguided New Age theorists.
I am not saying twin flame as a construct isn't a reality, just that I am yet to meet mine. This person was a karmic soul mate and is probably relieved that I am slowly truly releasing him from the containment of my beliefs and projections.
My soul feels relieved that finally, I am learning that there truly is a big world out there. New Zealand, Iceland, anywhere non European and that there will be many people I will meet who are truly free souls, who will dance to hip hop and Latino music with me on the beach, who will teach me more about the Pleiadies and Orion and Arcturus and Lemuria than even I know.
I also feel that I am not the only one who is now really allowing themselves to be free to discover who they truly are and what that means for their purpose on this planet.
That's why my eyes are opening to all the shadows that have curtained my entire (somewhat miserable) existence on this planet this time around.
The Dark Ages were hard enough for this planet to survive, and this is now a second wave of darkness, only subtly foiled and embellished to make us feel as though we are moving forward. Not quite yet...
As long as there are animals, children, women, cis gender or any other humans being abused, harmed and exploited, whether willingly or unwillingly, we are still replicating Atlantis when it became so rotten that we all fell into a pit.
***
Yet, I can see the signs of unity, little rainbow colour strands of energy shimmering between different objects that I couldn't sense before.
The more you melt and crumble the harsh walls of your own heart, mind, sight.... the more that will reverberate in the hearts, minds and sight of the others.
Because, truly we are the exact same consciousness.
But never imagine that it is going to be pretty. This is planet Earth, we deal with muck and dirt whilst acknowledging the equisite beauty that is also unfolding at the same time.
Exact same time.
Not all of us will learn, most will not in this lifetime. There will be other lifetimes until we are able to accomplish this. But this is the turning point.
I am not sure why or how, but if someone like myself is finally learning her soul lessons.... that means it's shifting.
A part of me sorely wants life to be as innocent as it seemed when I was 19. But we passed that threshold and can never come back.
We are all growing up finally.
We have to.
It will get better.
It is a divine promise.
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