Her gün biliyorum, şimdi bilmiyorum...

Usually, my ego knows everything. Over countless discussions with the few selected by my soul whom are my spiritual sailors, as well as the videos by Matt Kahn and also other healers, it seems that my ego is another term for the unfulfilled child who hasn't grown up, or fully healed.

We were conjugating the present continuous tense in my Turkish class last week. I had observed that ever since the new term began in a new college, I had found it difficult (as I usually do) to gel with my classmates. They are all quite prosperous professionals, and I felt a bit intimidated and shy due to all of the energetic and emotional and financial and familial fluctuations that permeate my life, even in 2017.

I am a very loving soul, yet my default has been to close my heart the moment it experiences pain, so that the rest of me is protected.

The downfall of this habit is, as is the case with many people I encounter daily in the streets and shops of London, is the heart is closed. I stop relating to my soul, my self, to others and the world becomes faded, and appears unfriendly and life feels hard.

So, it seems that, no matter what books I read or articles or healings, I still am learning how to do the basics.

How to love, how to relate to the world, how to respond when a dear friend and I no longer can communicate on a basic human level, when misunderstandings prevail, when i isolate myself from my nieces and nephews for 8 months and not feel anything, when I am unable to attend the important energy healings I wanted to the last few months due to being aware again of my financial situation that asks for prudence and essentials only.

When my heart closes, I can't experience the joys of smiling at strangers. For a few months, I was unable to look people in the eyes again because of the intensity of my intuition picking up on things, mostly their heavy energies or thought forms that were eager to latch onto me due to my poor boundaries.

Therefore, every day I know, now I do not know...

My Turkish teacher said, Oh Sukaina, don't say that (she is aware of my health condition for my educational purposes)! I said jokingly, but the point is I must know something, because I conjugated that sentence perfectly!

Do Not Weep For The World

My cousin is visiting our aunt. He is originally from Texas, and now is a student at the seminary in Qom, Iran. Although similar in some aspects to his eldest brother, he also is unique in his own way. We haven't seen each other since I was fifteen and he was nine, in Karachi where we both lived.

I have been observing how, when I meet people from my family, my interaction and how I think and behave fall back to how I was before I shed the programming. As though I feel that would be the only way I could fit in or relate to them.

I have said things or done things and have been so shocked at my behaviour, which I find to be less then my ideal self., things I thought I had addressed years ago, but evidently I haven't.

I would attribute it to the intense fever and viral like condition I've been having for the past week, which has wiped out my energy and slowed me down.

I did the Shamanic Medicine Wheel introduction on Sunday, a womb blessing and womb healing on Tuesday and four hours of Havening, NLP, and hypnosis on Thursday. The Thursday session was far more intense and effective than I ever expected, which is progress for me, since usually I have expected the world and received nothing from other healings.

But it is one thing to remain stressed and wiped out, and another thing to not address them.

Going back to my cousins, they are of the rare breed of souls I have recently encountered with pure souls, working to purify them further... And who are intelligent, and also grounded. And also family.

Yet. Still. There are barriers, and I will mention what I feel these barriers are. These very barriers have been accepted by me until 7 years ago, when I realised they were useful for other souls on other paths, but were never meant for me.

It has been the case that the breed of Muslim born men I have chosen on a soul level to have karmic relationships, family ties, or something important to learn from, have not been the easy going, charismatic, free yet intensely spiritual people my ego would like to be around.

For a long time, I assumed those types of men didn't exist. They do. Just listen to the music of Outlandish, or watch certain films, or look at what the people in Canada and the US are producing.

Young, talented, confident men who are also spiritual and making a difference in the world.

They exist. My not having met them is due to my frequency not matching with that high frequency as yet, and it is something that needs to be acknowledged.

Forty Rules Of Love 

I had met an intriguing Turkish man called Buğra when I had ventured on my solitary travels to Konya in 2015.

I was entirely taken by him from the moment I met him. His entire being shine with this ethereal light and he was so handsome, with a brunette beard and deep piercing green eyes, clear skin, white teeth and an unabashed, welcoming smile. And perfect English.

He taught me a few Turkish phrases, and, most importantly, he introduced me to Shems Tabrizi and his work "The Forty Rules of Love".



We actually sat down one evening in the cafe, and he served me apple tea, he drank his kahve türkmen, sat and proceeded to read aloud to me the rules, one by one. It was a very surreal experience for me.

On the one hand, these are the experiences I craved to experience, but the many obstacles in my mind refused to let me relax and be myself.

It was around midnight by the time we got to rule number eleven, because I was activating my soul through each of the rules, and so we took it slowly - then I said I needed to go to sleep.

There was something erratic about his behaviour, which I attributed later to the rakı and the weed he and his friends partook of regularly.

I wanted to trust him, but I couldn't. I realised he had wanted to make love to me that night, which might have been exciting to me, but of course, me being the very shy, depressed, intense, introverted person I am, I wouldn't have been able to have done so with someone who was a stranger and didn't have any ambitions or a job. And, later on, our mutual friend told me that Turkish men just like variety, and sleep with as many women as they can convince to sleep with them. That made me feel better about the "missed opportunity" due to reserve and shyness. I'm not the kind of soul who deserves the type of treatment of being "conquest number 77, slept with Pakistani chick, check".

So, he wasn't born a Muslim, and that was to his credit. He didn't have the hang ups that the decent Muslim guys have. He had been called towards Sufi ways, hence why he had travelled to Konya from Istanbul. But, he also was so in his own world, when I tried to keep in touch with him when I got back to London, it just didn't work.

I hope I can either find him and we can become friends for real, or else I find others with that intense spiritual energy, but it is more functional.

This reminds me, I actually owe him at least 20 TL which I somehow forgot to give to him when he dropped me to the airport. He tried to teach me how to smoke, and I just couldn't due to fear. Apparently, there is a technique of sucking or drinking in the smoke that I couldn't master in 15 minutes.

On the other hand, the decent Muslim men who seem somewhat less fragmented, refuse to maintain communication.

It started with the first man I ever loved romantically, in 2010. He married his soul mate in 2012 and refuses to keep in touch, because apparently I am the one who needs to be aware that if the positions were reversed, I wouldn't like it if my husband was friends with his ex.

Really. I see. So the entire planet has people who became friends first and remained friends after and I'm the only one who somehow would not be able to follow the protocols. I have a friend I turn to for advice, and she somehow feels the same, that it is not ideal to be friends with people you have loved romantically. I disagree, I feel I would mature so much if I was the person who would allow her lover or husband to remain connected, and that is the type of person I wish to be. The fact that I haven't had any relationship to test my willingness to be that person, is a moot point. I would also like to be seen as a PERSON and not some vixen with ulterior or subconscious motives.

I am only going to end up with an awakening man who is really aware of the fact he is a starseed. Anyone else who isn't awake, can go find someone else because it never works. That has been the case with all of the men I have loved up until this point, because they were karmics and I needed to learn a lot of learnings, such as self love and that just because they don't love me, it doesn't invalidate the truth and divinity of my love and affection for THEM.

Because, that is simply who I am. A lover.

So, even though I am suffering from lack of his wisdom, insight, friendship, love and intuition, and I am sure I would only contribute positively to his life, because that is how much love I have to give the planet now I have cured myself of the myth that twin flames exist (unless you count Turkish and Latino music), due to his limited perspective, fed by doubtful traditions and his understanding that I can only love him romantically, and not like a sister or friend, we don't speak and, therefore, neither of us is gaining a clearer understanding of God and of ourselves through that unique (potential) friendship. He's being a bit selfish, because I want to ask him how to become financially independent, since he is doing so well with it. But he just will NOT allow me a space in his life, even as a friend.

And this is when the wandering humbled mystic, the one who is in training to be one with God, submits to this fact. And lets it go.

It was the same with the second man I fell in love with, before he told me he was married. Idiot took three months of mutual flirting before he thought to tell me that he was married with a 6 year old child.

And now, I left my job for other reasons and, where he used to respond kindly and normally to my texts and Coke Studio videos I'd send him, there is now no response from him either. I thought he was more mature and put together than my ex, but I think it is more out of respect for his wife, who lost the plot when she found out we were friends.

And so, I lost another friend with whom I would speak about God, religion, politics, life, hope, music, everything I could.

He treated me like family, like a sister. He fed me, and no other man has been so generous with me with his time, his advice, his jokes and his food - now, we know how food is a big thing for men. Pizza, tiger bread, fries, donuts, muffins.... it was a yeasty affair, but nonetheless, in this case, the carbs were a sign of love and from God that, actually, contrary to Manu's saying I was as repellent as Marmite, someone else wasn't so scared of my love and welcomed it, even if I was a distraction from his less than ideal marital affairs. We had karma too, so it got resolved.

I know now I could never last in a relationship with him, because he isn't yet awake, he fears what it would entail. And he was very cynical and flirtatious for my liking. He "forgot" to tell me that his wife was pregnant with their second child until 6 weeks before the birth. That was harsh.

Yet, for my soul, it is a heavy burden that I have lost another beloved friend. Due to my being a woman. That's basically it.

I don't behave like a typical disempowered female. Allah has blessed me with an 11-2 and 7-7 intellect, which means I am able to call myself on my own bs, as well as calling them out on theirs.

When I talk about the love I feel for them, it is the highest form of soul love for soul family. Yet, up until now, it has only ever one sided. None of them have loved me back, not in the way a man loves a woman. They might see me as a sister, or Marmite, or someone to heal (a third person).

So, going back to my cousin. He spoke to me a little about his spiritual knowledge and learnings from Qom and Mashhad.

It is not as though I am not aware of the Islamic protocols that the religious follow, having had it reiterated until I became someone I am not and even wore the Arabian abaya for three years in the prime of my youth, because, at age 16, I assumed my mother's collapsing and going into a 14-day coma was the result of my sins.

But, I just see him as a new friend who is also blood. And I felt we would learn so much from each other.

I learned such gems from him from the hour we spoke, and then he kind of shut down.

I am unsure if it because of my welcoming manner or if he assumed I was one of "those" girls who laughs too much, even though I was honest on what my life has been for the last ten years and how my main stress is that I can't seem to find the right job for me and haven't even had a proper date.

So, he stopped talking to me. It could also be the fact that he is finding it difficult to cope with being in London, after being in a relatively higher spiritual energy in Iran.

And he will go back to Qom on Tuesday and I may not see him again and, due to the false restrictions and assumption, once again we will have deprived each other of divine knowledge and light.

How selfish, and they do not even realise it!

They feel they are following divine decree. And this is why the book laws fail to apply to starseeds and light workers.

The amount of knowledge and divine healing I have missed due to me either staying away from guys when it would have been fun to go for an ice cream and see some sights, or now that I am back in my senses, they all shy away.

My other cousin hasn't spoken to me on the phone for six months now.

On the other hand, I have a friend who can't seem to get rid of the men who are after her. She told me, they are running after me!

Once again, we have proven how karma behaves the way you have. Always.

So, I just take it as, whatever it is I seek from them, it is just a reflection of what I already know and can access inside of myself through sincere prayers, du'a, meditation and EFT healing etc.

I have started to weep some of this grief out today, which is reflective of the frustrations I feel around this repeated pattern with family, men and desi Muslims.

Arab guys I don't find as repressed. The people I met at SOAS seemed to have the right ingredients and perspectives in the right proportions. But then, again, I never spoke to anyone as such. Just observed their interactions with their friends. So, I cannot say for certain.

Let's hope that just by bringing light to this, I shift to a different experience whereby I am seen as divine light and ambassador first, and woman as the form Allah thought was best for my soul to experience.

And, if nothing else, this is a reminder that everything is something the ego can lust after.

Do not beg for pieces of the world, when

You

are such an honoured guest.

At some point, they'll put on the 72D glasses and see the subtle energies, instead of insisting on functioning in the 3D.

But, it has to be me changing my own self first. The one stubborn opinion I notice I hold onto is how they need to behave and think the way I do.

Yet, my cousins from Texas/Qom, as well as the one in north London, may have chosen different life paths than I did. They may have chosen to release certain limitations, but still remain devout Muslims and see females as a temptation, or that we are "aurah" and need to be hidden, or we are "jameelah" and beauty, and they just feel strongly attracted to the beauty.

I probably need to pray for a way forward to honour their beliefs and truths, at the same time me being in my power and maintaining a connection. Or else, having new people show up who are more attuned with how I feel/am and my true essence.

It's not such a big deal! And yet, it is!

And, I probably need to focus on healing the skin condition on my face today, so I can go out in public, and on the tube without people staring at the galactic swamp thing!

They used to stare because of the divine light, but now it's the bleeding cuts around my lips and neck that catch their attention. I wonder how much more humility I need to learn with all of the detoxing and healing the body does.

And so...

Her gün biliyorum, şimdi bilmiyorum...

Peace x