My Unpatterned Hands

I begin this in the name of my beloved Creator. I feel very disconnected from the One, who created every single breath and every single soul, yet I hope one day I will return.

It has been a very hot day in London, 27 degrees at the height, and I had some heatstroke around 5-6pm, so when I reported anti-social behaviour (three men about to get into a huge fight in Mitcham Town Centre), I called 101 and told them it was outside of Morrison's instead of outside Poundland. Then, I didn't have a pen to record the CASS number, so I couldn't have called back without embarrassing myself.

This merging the real life reality I find myself facing daily with the desire to become an amazing and healer filled with integrity, it's not happening.

At home, my father is trying his best to continue to humiliate me, today at work we had managers and colleagues doing their best to lower the vibration with passive aggressive behaviour and snide comments, and I wonder if I create all of this, or is the world filled with severely wounded people (I'm refraining from using the choicest of curse words).

It's really getting to me.

My shamanic healing cases haven't begun, I still haven't done the 5 case studies for the soul plan training that I took three years ago, and I am no where near finding a new job that is filled with good vibes, respect, the right kind of work and the income that I deserve and I can then move out.

I feel very emotional and there just seems to not be solutions or support that I need.

I'm retracking my life and trying to see how to not repeat the same mistakes I keep making that have brought me to this really challenging place.

It isn't very clear.

Khair, randomly, I've rediscovered Danish Ali and he's bringing me back to earth with the laughter and the homesickness. I really miss Pakistan. Like, really. The good bits, obviously.

I really hope I can go visit this year. I really need to make it happen. London is sucking me dry.

And I was here for the healers. But that isn't quite working out the way I need.

All I can say is... this spiritual journey that we each are on, it is not easy and it is painful.

Even when you should know how to heal all of this by now.

The title for this was related to the wedding I went to last March - April, my cousin's wedding in Canada. I had assumed it would turn out well for me because these are people who ensure their life turns out well.

It turned out amazingly for them, but not for me. I didn't even get the opportunity to have henna put on my hands for my own cousin' wedding - I had to choose to be the self sacrificing goat yet again, because her friends turned out to be a bit too self-centred and entitled.

None of this matters in the end, but the fact that all of the bs that I am attracting and have for so many years, in spite of all of the healing....

It makes you wonder where you are going wrong.

Khair.

Watch this, and cry with laughter....