The Face Of a Collapsed Star

THE FACE OF A COLLAPSED STAR

Do not be sad
Collapse is the pathway for some
We are dragged to the depths
We are
We are dragged

D r a g g e d

We had plans
We wanted a beautiful life

We got this

Scrambling for morsels of the world
Disconnection from God
Higher chakras blocked
Lower chakras interfered with

Ab 2020 bhi aa chuka
Aur har cheez tooti pari

But I must smile
I must, I must

To remain slumped
I will have been destroyed

Log dekhte hain
Samajhte nahin

Expectations are something
I am burying tonight

Watching a film called
Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara
Wearing a lehenga meant for a wedding

I'll go to sleep
Putting psychic protection over myself

And that's that

May I find the clarity and discernment
I need
To thrive

I don't think there is another way.

Please let this be the last breaking down

I can't take it any longer, Allah

Bilkul torna chahte ho?

Bakhsh bhi do....

Sukaina Juma
31/12/2019

Surrender to Truths

I think there's great empowerment and power
to be had for being alone
for so long.

Hopefully, when the world goes crazy,
the Universe will have blessed us
with inner strength and detachment
like the ascended masters and saints

Like in the East direction of the Shamanic wheel

Eagle eyes

And we can remain
unmoved

and remain
in full integrity
no matter what...

Because that's the aim
of this life
for us at least...
To fully merge
with the Divine
and be in service

and not allow the losses
and tribulations of this life
and incarnation
make us weak and
fall back into
weakness
and ego

For we will be honoured
To be in that state
Of strength and power
Inwardly

Knowing the Beloved Light
The Beloved
So intimately
That nothing
Can trouble us for long

Because environmental disaster
Is already upon us
And some of us have not seen
Real disaster

And we will cave
And we will splatter
And freak out

And not be able to handle
Floods
Hurricanes
Riots
Water shortages
Poison

I am unsure how people
In the middle East cope
How do they maintain their dignity

It is so difficult when
Fear still grips at you

At your weaknesses

Draws out each one
Silently
Attentively

And amplifies it

I no longer play that game

I saw enough suffering on my screen

And I realised that Palestine is
Still a living hell
And has just become
Another concept

https://pixabay.com/photos/gaza-strip-palestine-3829393/

And we don't care

And nothing is truly changing

So my worries
Are transmuting
My fears are transmuting

To an understanding
That I must be strong

I must be

Otherwise
I'd really be dead now

Or a slave

Or something worse

And I need more strength

And that comes
Again

Through
A true understanding

Of God

Of the beloved

Of Allah

Yahweh

Don't rebel again

Surrender to Truths

Letter to the ones leaving

Hi guys,

Firstly, just want to say I apologise for wasting your time.

Your time, my time, God's time.... Time

Such a precious commodity

in my ignorance, I wasted so much of it

in:

                                         delays

heaviness in my mind
                           body
                           heart
                           thighs
                           legs
arms                                               shoulders

my jaws are constantly heavy,
grindi n  g,
disfiguring my face

feet bound so tightly to old outdated religious ideas

to colonial bakwaas that they made look and feel so damned real

to patriarchy that makes me choke, that rapes me every night in my sleep

to the ignorant ideologies still being forcefully pulled over our third eyes like masks

to distraction upon distraction

yes, Syria and Lebanon are as real as anything

but I'm poor again myself

and poverty is not gracious

the inability to think "right"
same as most people

after so many years of healing
I can help others put back the pieces of their puzzles

yet, moi
I'm still going through complex
PTSD

which tells me I must pay
someone else's rent in order
to redeem my worth

which tells me to take holidays
to be like all of you

yet those holidays

are always alone

always permeated by the intense loneliness

and due to faulty thinking,

I placed trust in a desi man in Barcelona,
I almost got raped last time

back to you guys

relatives who were kind
but stabbed me in the back
and were never there to help

when I was falling
seeing a melted face
in the mirror
all g l o o p y and shit

one of you gave me clothes,
but
it was an afterthought

trying to pull wool over the eyes of a psychic
works a few times
until I wise up

you'd never have given it to your own daughters

people leaving my life

how many meals did you feed me?

how many words did you speak to me?

how many car rides?

how many presents?

how much of my bakwaas did you listen to?

most of you, I have grasped onto

clutching

begging you to not leave

pleading you to not leave

asking you to stay and see me as worthy

not realising what huge lessons you are to me

and the main act of self love is letting all of you

(and please take all of your bakwaas with you

you are the ones to heal it best, not me)

GO!

be free

Be freed from
any contract I may have
asked you to sign onto

none of you truly listen
it is difficult to connect
the time is done
I shifted to a different timeline
so have you

ages ago

why don't you guys send me the memo immediately

i have to piece the information back together
bit by bit

it is difficult for me
these relationships

you realise I'm not from here
don't you?

i came from the stars
a lot of us have
we live amongst you

you see humans

we see much more than that

you realise I didn't come
to follow a patriarchal religion
or insane society

you realise there is a reason
why I write these poems

I'd write songs
if they ever decide to
flow through me

you realise that
the frustration I feel
is very real

the only ones who currently understand
are my fellow shamans
who are going through their own complex PTSD

who are going
going
going
going
going

through
breakdown

yup, another one

even I am

and the little ones who are running around inside of my heart and my mind,
bruised,
cut,
her wrists are still bleeding
her head is still wounded
from the last pounding

they're running around unchecked

I'm such a healer
replacing Light
upon
Light

Feeling such compassion
for the wounded males

for the wounded females

giving them my words,
my energy (and I really need to stop doing that)

I used to take so much energy from others

Little did I know I was
A lighthouse
Who had been attacked
And robbed of any soul
fragrance

Anything left,
I raped myself

I give them my sexuality as well

And it is used
And more is wanted

And all of this is
Still such bakwaas

Still not real

The mirages crumbling in my hands

***

I know, yaar
Pata hai

I created you
I attracted you
There are contracts
Cords
Tareeqa
Rasmey
This is how it has always been done

Qateh rehmi nahi karte hain
Haraam hai

(We don't cut off blood ties, it's forbidden by the Almighty)

Acha, toh yeh baat hai?

When I make a mistake
Even as a pure soul
Upstairs there
Hanging with my Beloved

Did I not understand the fragility
Of human existence?

As an Arcturian
I was invincible

As a Sirian,
I had immense knowledge, love,
Power, wisdom

Even as a Lemurian, there was Grace

But as a human, in the 21st century

No.

No.

No.

C'est trop bizarre, celui ci

why am I the one running after people?

running after

friends?
bloody buses?
lovers?
parents?
cousins?
aunts?
uncles?
cats?
healers?
shamans?
angels?
spirit guides?

my own words?

my own mind and sanity?

I even run after the sun

Nahi yaar
Bohot ho gaya

I had enough to deal with

now it seems that
the darkness that was beamed
sent, packaged
is still affecting my nadis
my neurons
my heart
my eyes
my reality

is this why my feet
are feeling heavy
all over again?

it didn't work out with Manu
and yet I still am obsessed with him?

Sidra was purely manipulating myself and others
with charisma
with love
and jinns
and I still can't get her energy out
of my reality?

this is not normal

I have random people
Londoners
behave with such hatred,
contempt,

I am so tired

So to all of you
with

narcissism
wounding
basic ill manners
ego issues
a desire to harm
and take advantage

Leave

Find your own way

Distract yourself with whatever is good for you

stop
sucking
me
dry

stop
thinking
I'm
your energy
source

stop
throwing
your
wounding
around
like
monkeys
with
coconuts

just
disappear

I am no good
for you

You are loved by the Beloved
Stand up and take note
Be the honoured guest

Once you crack the joy code
You will never wish to harm another

Each of us
will only wish
to give

and to only
take from
Source

***

I'm heading out

I have a much
much
delayed
rendezvous
with
the Divine

you're
forbidden
to divert
and
distract
me
any
longer

- Sukaina Juma
27/12/19

https://pixabay.com/users/skeeze-272447

When we all are under the Waves

What to do to take care of oneself when we are all under the Waves?

It feels that we are all under the waves. What are these waves, you ask me? If I told you the truth, or rather if I told you MY truth, would you even believe me?

I shall start this part of my tale from when I resigned from my last job back in August. It was stifling, it was caging me entirely and I was breaking down. I could see through the facades of people, and it was clear that the people managing us had a disconnect between their minds and their hearts - yet the words which were spoken and which were written in letters and emails and publicity materials were so flowery and far removed from the reality of the staff on the ground.

I had become so very heavy. I tried to be light and friendly, and all I felt was anger and resentment that I was supporting others in their lives, whereas my life was (and, frankly, still is) a mess.

And then one day, it became too much. The dissemblance. My soul was screaming out, "You're a healer, a shaman, you are meant to be doing something else that builds you up as well!"

It is really difficult to be introverted and I'm praying to the Creator to help me shift towards extraversion. I won't be able to fulfill my ambitions with introversion, and the mental health issues.

***

I try to be strong, I really do. I always feel the responsibility and sometimes it is burden to be a healer, a lightworker. All the true words I write show my utter vulnerability, my feebleness, my frailty to the entire world, and I no longer wish to be like this.

I want to be able to bring Thy light to the world as a signature, scrawled into the cosmos with each breath of mine, with ever expansive and flow and movement...

I want to be Your shining Star, the Fairy Godmother, the Messenger, the Mystic, the King, the Goddess, the Genius, the Priestess, the Homemaker, the Living Beauty that You showed myself to me during my last shamanic healing with my teacher in October.

***

I find that my female sisters and friends find it particularly difficult when under the Waves. I turn to them, but they come to me with advice and a to-do list, and sometimes it doesn't resonate. Or maybe it is truth, and it triggers that part of me that wishes I was over all of this wounding.


Kis koh pata...

Allah, I just really want to dance. I just really want to sing. I just really want to connect with myself on such a deep level, that I can flow in Thy praise no matter what my external state is.

I am ready to surrender the rebellion I have felt and acted out towards Thee for my entire incarnation.

All the soul plans say I am a teacher and a writer, that I will create a healing modality with Thy grace to help those who are in really deep deep darkness... yet, here I lie, on the floor, helpless, pleading Thee for grace all over again.

***

In honour of 12/12 and full moon in Gemini

I pick up the sizzling charcoal
with the metal clamp,
place it in the container required
and shower it with dammar resin.
The angelic white light bursts forth...

The entire air is shimmering
With divine light as the heavenly scent
filters through my senses,
it simmers through the pores of the apple green walls

I can now sense serpent, jaguar, hummingbird and condor sweeping in,
As the rattle rattles its rattle
I can sense the wings of my angels cover me in love and protection
This world's energy is still too dense for me

I close my eyes and remember all the words
That have sunk underneath my skin
That ended up being lies
All over again

Taking me away from myself
As I stood far away from my life,
Wanting to water the desertlands of those
Who are so separate from themselves
From God
That all I felt was compassion

There is of course a part of me that can do all of this
But right now,
Little Sukaina is crying for love and support

We can't save the world
Not just yet..

Soon, my child.

But you refused to heal and this is the result.

Sukaina Juma, 13/12/2019

Letters to Manu - One

Note to Reader: I have decided to write letters to my first love who left me 9 years ago - in the hopes that I will be able to write authentically, and just write, pretty much. It is killing me that I can't find anything to write, there is no impetus. One of my main motivations to write is love. To people I love, or about people I love.

If I don't start and continue to write, those novels or books aren't going to get written. I'm already 35 years old and people have told me for the last nine years to write.

Dear Manu,

These letters that I now write to you are after having met you nine whole years ago. Today may have been the day you let me go by written words for the very last time, all those years ago. The good news is that I don't know the dates any longer. I spent 8 long years holding onto you, thinking you were it. That you were my piece of God.

I am writing to you because you are my best friend. Maybe in my imagination, but you are my best friend.

I mean, technically, I need to be my own best friend - but if you are my twin flame, then you are my best friend as well.... is that how it goes, Universe? Please bring clarity to my confusion.

I am doing my best to move on and progress.

This entire healing business, I know it ends at some point. I mean, the collapses and the disappointments and the illusions.

I met a really nice guy and in the space of a month, from not being ready for a romantic relationship, I now feel I am. But he already said we're not compatible and so we can be friends instead.

Now, I don't feel about him the same way I felt about you, or about the other two men I fell for, but it is difficult to deal with a heart that bruises. He's very childlike and has no idea about how it can be to have a sensitive person in your life. I wonder if I am really am just too sensitive.

My shamanic healer Gareth, he had to remove the heart I had and Spirit replaced it with a heart of crystal so that my heart would be stronger and not break each time something like this or worse happens. I feel the psychic surgery worked. I feel disappointed, sad, heart is hurting, but it's not broken.

After all, I've gained a valued and cherished friend. Most of it is my desi, Muslim programming. He knows Urdu, and he's a tad too desi for my liking but he's really nice as a soul. Another soulmate.

****

It really makes me wonder if I ever will find a few romantic partners in life. I really never imagined my life being like this after 2 years of proper healing. But it is. Alhamdulillah.

I'm still financially challenged. That hasn't changed, but I'm trying to be more generous to those who are sans abri and I messed up when I was in Naples, Italy. I got really scared and thought it was too dangerous to talk to them. I now regret it.

I'm determined to become a proper practicing shaman because that's where life is leading me, but that means giving up the regular joys of life. Going out, partying (I've never partied in my life, it's too overwhelming), having bunches of friends and travelling the world over.

As Matt Kahn said in one of his latest videos, we get what we get. We are doing the best with what we get.

I just learned a new healing modality which worked at the time of the course, but this week I'm struggling - possibly because I need to be doing things in the physical world. Such as exercise, going out and having fun, taking care of myself, and writing.

****

Do you know how long it has been? I used to write extensively. You know, you were the poor unwilling victim to tomes and tomes of poetry, written prose and love notes.

My friend told me, very wisely, that I was exposing myself and giving everything to you, warts and all, and you just stood back and observed the carnage.

She was right. I had to continue, though, because I needed to experience it first hand. There was such a pull, a compulsion. Now I just think it was a huge spell, and entities.

But beneath all of that, there is love. There is always a potent, powerful love.

***

Now, I just don't write any longer. God knows when was the last time I channelled a divine poem, a healing poem.

I had another guy from Islamabad have a crush on me recently and sending me erotic poems and some really beautiful poems. From the heart. Channelled.

But messed up emotionally and I deserve better.

I was envious of his poems, haha. Somehow I could inspire him to write such amazing stuff, and here I am - depleted and worn out and heart-bruised.

London has never been the right city for me. Never.

I just didn't have a choice at first. Maybe I came back here because we were meant to meet. We were meant to get married, according to that dream you had in 2017. But we never did. You blocked it, or whatever external influences. Or whatever, who knows?

I'm seeing a Sufi healer on Thursday to help remove the dark magic. It's all over my third eye.

 

But then, if we vibrate high enough, none of this should be able to touch us, right? Unless it is part of the path.

I can't empathise and heal someone going through something without going through it myself. That's always the case.

****

Sometimes I am a priestess, a goddess.

And sometimes I am a mess.

****

You used to write really well when you tried. I remember the sweet things you used to write. They have been coming back to me after all those years. Since September. I could see your face, hear your voice, your words would come to my mind all over again.

I'm just a tad too intense sometimes - but trust me, it's a lot more balanced than when we knew each other.

That's why I thought it would be okay to send you a message on 11/11 last month. I thought it would show me how much I have healed, by how you replied to me.

You had a flippant reply. When I read it, my entire body burned all over again, and I felt sick to my stomach all over again, It felt like pure venom. At first, I thought it was the tone of your reply - then the next day when I re-read it, your reply was fine  just as one writes to a professional colleague.

Is the venom inside of me then? Or is it true what they say about twin flame connection - it actually burns you when it's wrong and messed up?

Anyway, I was going to write more, but I feel this is enough for today.

I still miss you. I remembered that it's your cousin's death anniversary as well this month and I prayed for him because well, why not? Still remember his cat on Facebook. It was a cute cat. His kid must be a teenager now.

****

The best thing for a woman who has only been able to attract unavailable men, and emotionally wounded men is the opportunity to go back within, and heal her hurt selves, the inner child who feels hurt and abandoned.

I am still leaving myself for the other reflection of me.

There is no need for that,

Their light only blinds because you once again dimmed yours.

Please, can we sort the financial blocks please? I'm so tired of that pattern!

Alvidaa, janam, alvidaa...

ALVIDAA, to all of the programming that made me what I am NOT.

This week has been a transformational week. I was asked by my Soul (or my programming) to go out and experience the Shia Islamic life I feel so much pain in having to give up.

I met a person who shone so bright and spoke of inclusion and helping the community, yet he was adamant that Islam, the Prophets and the Imams would never let someone with a different sexuality or gender preference pray salaatul jamaat (communal prayers).

So I asked him, "so you're saying that I can't pray in jama'at because I am bisexual?" I was incredulous that people still think of God like that.

That they don't see God is always inviting us.

That we don't all necessarily label and box ourselves into tags of sexuality or religion or ethnicity first and foremost.

A lot of people have politicised themselves via their sexuality. Not all of us do that. Some of us have a different karma / dharma. We have MUCH bigger fish to fry.

As I said frankly to some tharki Pakistani guy in my DMs who kept wanting to speak of his sexual fantasies and pornography to a complete stranger, the obsession with sex that you are commenting on, I find that to be the lowest common denominator for connection.

I am not frigid (not any longer) but what I mean is that the Soul came into human form - we are on a mission to understand WHY and HOW to navigate. The amount of distractions in place on the planet in 2019 is astounding.

I've stopped reading, preferring to watch something on Netflix instead.

Some of us (most of us) have gone through a **** awakening, and are still doing it today, in order to activate 12 strands of DNA and clear the ****. All of it. Grandmother, grandfather, advertising, news media, ignorance, pineal calcification, the whole lot!

I said in my heart, then that kind of faith which he is proposing, is not what God really is aiming for. I refuse to accept that patriarchal, false paradigm.

What kind of God do you wish for?

I spoke of acceptance, he said tolerance.

He and my cousin were quoting Islamic scholar after another and all it did was scrub my soul like sandpaper.

My cousin is the type who will just go to books and scholars, his path is with Islamic learning and mine is definitely not, and I have now accepted it fully.

The Universe is all inclusive. We can't speak for saints we don't have the ability to connect with intuitively. I have tried, and failed (due to pineal calcification and density overload in my system de to more distractions in life).

Then I went to an Arbaeen lecture on Friday night at Mahfil e Ali in Harrow, as I thought it was the lesser strenuous option. I wanted to honour the saints and their sacrifices. No matter what, Islamic esoterics are available and have weight because of the struggle. It's always been a struggle between darkness and awakening.

Shaykh Arif Abdulhussein lectured, and his voice has a very healing quality to it. It softened the burrs that had formed inside of my heart for people. Just being around them.

He spoke of people naturally turning away from eating animals when they sense how barbaric it is. He made a few sarcastic remarks about Khoja community. I could sense his frustration that after 9 years, people still don't get it in the Khoja community, the Shia community, unless they have gone on their own mystical journey and have bene graced by Allah with the gift of TRUE realisations.

Or have read 40 Rules of Love by Elif Shafak.

I was, however, reminded of how he doesn't meet my needs, although he helped me to wake up when I was 22 years old. He is still has the intention of converting people from the lecture point of view.

I suppose, if he did the same as my cousin Amin, and spoke of the ethereal realms, he'd lose his audience.

The people there were the same, it was the same as being at Hujjat or Hyderi (which is not what I anticipated). I almost had a panic attack and had to leave ASAP.

I had gone to mourn on the one day of the year I wanted to mourn. I didn't do Ashura this year because I was rebelling against the programming that kicked inside of me. It was so heavy, and felt energetically like a crown of thorns.

People go to these gatherings like a habit, they talk and laugh, and eat. The woman sitting next to me began filing her nails halfway through the lecture. Frankly, I was shocked.

There were no Arabic or Farsi latmiyyah and no incense was burned for cleansing of the space.

Everything is exactly the same from my place of origin.

Perhaps I am at fault as well. I've been going through so much darkness that I'm nowhere NEAR establishing a new sacred space, a multi-functional sacred centre which fulfils my needs and therefore those of other starseed mystics.

Well, we learn through experience. Next year, I pray to be in Najaf and Kerbala and do my devotion and meditation there, as those are the only places I find true peace. The force is strong there.

On other evenings, I went to the IHRC in Preston Road and was blown away by spoken word poems by Suhaiymah Khan and the documentary The Uprising by Pravini Baboeram.

Yet, being in an Islamic environment, when people have not healed their internal **** and are externalising everything, makes it hard. No matter what I do crystals wise, protection wise, I know I was absorbing and healing some of the stuff.

I start talking rubbish and feel clogged up, heavy and nauseated. Couldn't breathe well either. There still are some wounds related to how I have been neglected by people in this community that I need to heal with Emotion Code.

So, I know I must say alvidaa (farewell) to this community of origin.

I am aware that when I am ready, I will begin the Sufi path with the correct teachers and companions for the journey.

But now, Life is burning away the past. I was thinking of my ex and the last time we spoke to each other in May 2017 and, again, falling back to that which is comfortable and also restrictive.

We are better served to view ourselves as multi-dimensional souls. This is NOT the only incarnation, and a lot is hidden because we haven't been able to detox ourselves of the superficial and the illusions.

Not all of us are going to succeed. It requires a loss of identity, money, people, family, comfort almost every few months now.

For example, I had to give up a regular, paying living wage job that was killing my spirit in order to finally be able to write this piece, two months later

Just as there is no finality in revelation, there is also no deadline for awakening and enlightenment.

All I know is that, for now, I just continue this path of Shamanism and connect with esoteric Sufi Islam.

My love for the Prophets and Imams will remain and hopefully grow. The phenomenon of Arbaeen fascinates me.

Billions of souls are drawn to going to Iraq for ten days to pay their respects to a saint.

Yet, I can't go during Arbaeen due to the crowds and panic attacks.

However, I deeply feel the mystery and the love. The belonging. To Imam Ali first and then Imam Hussain and Hadhrat Abbas.

The latmiyyah of Ali Fani, Bassim Al Karbalaei and others go straight through the cells. The LOVE is truly THERE. Solid. Apparent.

Maybe, as someone I once knew told me, these are the same energies in other cultures, just different names. Such as Quan Yin, Krishna, Shekinah, etc.

But this is ABSOLUMENT the last year I do this. This is the last year I pretend to be member of an old paradigm, whereby people are compartmentalized and no one has tried to clear their own stuff.

I tried that and Allah made sure I lost everything. I just don't fit in, no matter how much I try. This is the real hypocrisy. Life is too precious to continue living lies.

I don't fit, I don't belong, it feels heavy being around this for too long. I have to whip off the headscarf as soon as I can, and control the anger and frustration that gets triggered within (it's healed a lot over the last 12 years).

It always has to be inside first. There's a lot to clean up. Then the timelines shift without us forcing them.

Just accept I'm a shaman healer and starseed and move on. The younger generation have no qualms about self acceptance. I am not that old, yet inside me I feel old and outdated!

I just had to express this aloud today. It has been in my heart all week and now has a beautiful release. I am reborn. I am me. A soul. Always connected to God.

My God is bigger than that. Bigger than all the lies and illusions that we have allowed ourselves to play around in.

We each have very unique journeys and incarnations. Just embrace your heart, heal it, remove the debris and then KNOW who YOU are in your WHOLENESS.

Always remember: we are LIGHT that came into darkness just to unravel and become LIGHT all over again.

It sounds very trite, but I am finding this to be my truth...

With deep respect and honour 🕉️♥️

Sacred Union

Reposted from @w.riting on Instagram

 

Reposted from @w.riting on Instagram.

So deeply profound.

It's sparked up all my memories of this lifetime.

How have I shown up for others? I released the cords for so many claustrophobic relationships. I burned a lot of them in the shamanic fires blessed to me as my ideas of how my life should be were crucified on the stake of purification of one's bags and one's programming.

One of the people who hurt me the most, she told me "your life path is of humility, and that means a lot of humiliation". My arrogance couldn't compute that, since I was already going through enough. The curses placed upon me for refusing to marry someone I knew was wrong for me, the entities that had been feeding off my nuur from such a young age, the traumas that kept increasing in size.

So after all of that, who is left to love? Who is left for me to feel loved by - in spite of the mistakes, some serious errors, some almost unforgivable things?

The ones who challenge me and also love me: my parents. They are literally the keys to my gaining some pleasure from my Lord. I may have to leave them for a while so I can be free to become that which my soul wants to become.

But the space will be good for us all.

There are friends who I will never win back (but were they friends or lessons?). And there are some who have come into my life as heart soothers. They have the etiquette required, the humility required, the connection desired, and the hearts that encompass even the most wretched of us.

The one who can see you as while, who can see you as the Light whilst acknowledging the shadow, the one whose soul whispers to yours "hello, my dear friend, my akhi, my family, here I am, hug me tightly before you believe the lies your distortions tell you"

I am sure that the Divine will allow each of us to experience this.

They may never come back, though.

And most people think that shows it wasn't real love. I used to think that as well.

But remember that love is an energy. Energy never dies, it transmutes or it is saved for a later day.

For a day when both souls have shed their insecurities, the obstacles and the great disconnection they feel.

In the meantime, we remember that grand love we experienced.

We pray for love to grace our lives in a more dignified, graceful way.

For a love that blazes and burns away the edifices from our eyes and any remaining heart walls from the heart. The love that is authentic, pure, unadulterated by the superficialities that we healed upon ourselves, absorbed with vigour.

The love that undresses the ego and reveals the soul, and the ego relinquishes all fight. We pray for this kind of love, that is reflected in the open-hearted creatures of God, not confined to one soul.

For to confine this illumined Love is to beg for a handful of rain from the one who Is the rain.

It takes a thousand lifetimes for the soul to emerge with an understanding of oneness. Once it tastes this bittersweet morsel of Truth, veils play a dance of hide and seek.

We pull away 7 veils, the Lord produces 777 more veils and illusions to experience.

And yet, we come back to our breath, 
look at our fingertips with the interest of a starving human, 
and realise that 
the Love will only be fulfilling when it's from the grander Self 

and emanating to all the selves.

With love and honour,
Sukaina

Ek cup chai ho jaee?

Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/Perfecto_Capucine-9573466/?utm_source=link-attribution&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=image&amp;utm_content=3723751">Perfecto_Capucine</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=image&amp;utm_content=3723751">Pixabay</a>

They keep talking about the eclipses that happen as major gateways, and opportunities to really dig into the deep shadow that we have, to be honest, to be clear, to be ourselves, to remember.

Whether or not I ever got activated from the previous eclipses in life, I can't say until I have the talent of reading energies that way.

This eclipse corridor - from 4 July and now - I have felt that one. Big time.

What it has made me realise is that one really loses a lot when one awakens a little more each day or month or year.

One loses the ability to be easily entertained, and one can't relate to the people that we could a few months or years ago.

For example, I am from a culture that adores drinking tea and coffee. It becomes an extremely intimate way of bonding. You would go out to have hardcore milky tea or karak doodh patti chai to a tea stall in the town. Or go to the mosque and rave about the mosque tea, with subtle hints of cardamom swirling inside.

I remember going to a school friend's house regularly to study or just hang out, and tea was a must.

But now, I drink tea and I stay awake, wired all night. So I have tried to switch to decaf (but it still has the caffeine and tannin in it) and redbush tea, God bless me, I now find has a funny taste and no longer satisfy my cravings.

This isn't something that I will hold onto for long. I can outgrow the childish tantrums about yet another thing that normal people enjoy, but I no longer can.

Yet, this represents how most things are now. I feel it's because I have a lot more healing to do, and so that means not getting distracted by things that are on some level a superficial indicator of happiness and progress. For me, those very things that are seen as positive and a sign of functionality, are distractions from my own self healing and progress.

Whether that means spending time with friends (it is better for me to have few and ones who are fully aware of the shifts in consciousness and not allowing them to be swayed by their inner wounds quite so much), or having a lover (it's gonna not be great for my spiritual awakening at this time to be distracted by someone, unless I somehow have healed - which I know I haven't), or other stuff.

Someone a bit difficult to understand once told me that her theory was that if we are unhappy, that prods us to go out seeking, learning, healing ourselves, and then standing up for others. If we are happy and contented, who on earth would do anything for anyone else?

I can see some angles and some validity to this... but perhaps the connection with pain and productivity really needs to be broken and a new one formed between ease, peace and progress.

I suppose the question is can I allow others to have different life goals to mine and let it be - can I really step out of the small thinking box I spend my life in, and let life be as chaotic as it is, and let the humans be exactly as they are - all the while seeking their divine light?

The more I spend time alone, I can do that a little easier. Maybe.

What I need to clarify are a few things and requires some intelligent questioning:

What are my soul's goals for this lifetime - answer is humility, but also ease, grace, karma clearing, being compassionate and loving to self and others, heals some deep wounding and becoming independent and free. Contentment and gratitude.

Will that come with a happy, easy life? Answer: depends on what you mean by that ;)

It has also been important to see all the teachers I have as humans. All the relatives, adults, everyone... as humans with flaws. This also has helped me discern who I want in my life.

I came across something interesting recently regarding shamanic practices. I was aware that they make a white despacho to bring good tings into our lives - that consists in brings petals, leaves, anything that can symbolise areas of your life, wrap it in cotton or paper, put your intentions into it, nurture and carry it, then burn it in a ceremonial fire.

All good - I have done a few and who knows if it did anything or not, but just the communal aspect of it, and being around a cleansing fire was good enough for me the last few times I have done it.

Now this time around, I had the opportunity to do this, and we all have been told to bring a £5 note minimum to burn in the fire.

That, for me, doesn't make sense. There are too many rough sleepers in the city or even a few streets away for me to go bring in money in order to bring in more. The same intention can be made whilst gifting the money - and there was no suggestion of doing this as an alternative.

Anyway, it's also true that the room would be full (which I was told yesterday) so that I'm not even able to go. And one of my teacher's seems to not allow me to speak and formulate what I want to say - I have my Mercury in Taurus, so it takes a while for me to speak articulately... so I need to just remind him of that. And there was some lack of H&S risk assessments.

But you have to question all the spiritual practices. What doesn't feel right for you, doesn't.

I question all the Islamic ones, I don't really subscribe to other faiths, and now I'm having to question the shamanic practicies and figure out which are really not something I want to associate with, and which are just my resistance to changing.

It is the same with sufism - although I can't find the teacher or the tareeqa yet that is right for me (perhaps there aren't for me this lifetime - who knows).

Question the stuff that doesn't sit right with you - there is a reason why it doesn't.

I have had healers tell me what to do in the recent past, and I was not happy.

I have had to just step back and ask myself what on earth do I need to do differently to attract a better outcome - and the answer always seems to be stop leaking out your energy to everyone on the planet trying to help and heal. Just quit it!

This is the main reason I have not progressed in my lifetime. And every time I have put my needs first, I was able to do something a little bit progressive.

Yes, these eclipses I am feeling the energy and the kicks up the bum.

And no tea for me, either. Chalo ji, at least I am learning what has taken lifetimes (literally) to learn.

My Unpatterned Hands

I begin this in the name of my beloved Creator. I feel very disconnected from the One, who created every single breath and every single soul, yet I hope one day I will return.

It has been a very hot day in London, 27 degrees at the height, and I had some heatstroke around 5-6pm, so when I reported anti-social behaviour (three men about to get into a huge fight in Mitcham Town Centre), I called 101 and told them it was outside of Morrison's instead of outside Poundland. Then, I didn't have a pen to record the CASS number, so I couldn't have called back without embarrassing myself.

This merging the real life reality I find myself facing daily with the desire to become an amazing and healer filled with integrity, it's not happening.

At home, my father is trying his best to continue to humiliate me, today at work we had managers and colleagues doing their best to lower the vibration with passive aggressive behaviour and snide comments, and I wonder if I create all of this, or is the world filled with severely wounded people (I'm refraining from using the choicest of curse words).

It's really getting to me.

My shamanic healing cases haven't begun, I still haven't done the 5 case studies for the soul plan training that I took three years ago, and I am no where near finding a new job that is filled with good vibes, respect, the right kind of work and the income that I deserve and I can then move out.

I feel very emotional and there just seems to not be solutions or support that I need.

I'm retracking my life and trying to see how to not repeat the same mistakes I keep making that have brought me to this really challenging place.

It isn't very clear.

Khair, randomly, I've rediscovered Danish Ali and he's bringing me back to earth with the laughter and the homesickness. I really miss Pakistan. Like, really. The good bits, obviously.

I really hope I can go visit this year. I really need to make it happen. London is sucking me dry.

And I was here for the healers. But that isn't quite working out the way I need.

All I can say is... this spiritual journey that we each are on, it is not easy and it is painful.

Even when you should know how to heal all of this by now.

The title for this was related to the wedding I went to last March - April, my cousin's wedding in Canada. I had assumed it would turn out well for me because these are people who ensure their life turns out well.

It turned out amazingly for them, but not for me. I didn't even get the opportunity to have henna put on my hands for my own cousin' wedding - I had to choose to be the self sacrificing goat yet again, because her friends turned out to be a bit too self-centred and entitled.

None of this matters in the end, but the fact that all of the bs that I am attracting and have for so many years, in spite of all of the healing....

It makes you wonder where you are going wrong.

Khair.

Watch this, and cry with laughter....

Please accept an apology | Curated Post

Divine Union

Yesterday at 02:36 ·

Dear Men/Male Twins

On behalf of the collective feminine, please accept an apology for using the feminine pain body
For devaluing you
For blaming you
For shaming you
For criticizing you
For saying you’re not awake
For being more superior than you
For possessing you
For using sex as bait to try to keep you
For controlling you
For resenting you
For flinging our pain at you
For constantly emasculating you
For being desperate for your attention
For being desperate for you
For being in grief over you
For suffering over you
For finding fault with you
For constantly labeling you as a runner
For demanding your love
For trying to consume you with emotions
For using you as a scapegoat
For keeping you a prisoner in our hearts

We release you into your holiness and set you free

-Nicole Gayle

https://nicolegayle.com/about/

The promise of a Shaman

The promise of a shaman

If you come to me as a victim I will not support you.
But I will have the courage to walk with you through the pain that you are suffering.
I will put you in the fire, I will undress you, and I will sit you on the earth.
I will bathe you with herbs, I will purge you, and you will vomit the rage and the darkness inside you.
I'll bang your body with good herbs, and I'll put you to lay in the grass, face up to the sky.
Then I will blow your crown to clean the old memories that make you repeat the same behavior.
I will blow your forehead to scare away the thoughts that cloud your vision.
I will blow your throat to release the knot that won't let you talk.
I will blow your heart to scare fear, so that it goes far away where it cannot find you.
I will blow your solar plexus to extinguish the fire of the hell you carry inside, and you will know peace.
I will blow with fire your belly to burn the attachments, and the love that was not.
I will blow away the lovers that left you, the children that never came.
I will blow your heart to make you warm, to rekindle your desire to feel, create and start again.
I will blow with force your vagina or your penis, to clean the sexual door to your soul.
I will blow away the garbage that you collected trying to love what did not wanted to be loved.
I will use the broom, and the sponge, and the rag, and safely clean all the bitterness inside you.
I will blow your hands to destroy the ties that prevent you from creating.
I will blow your feet to dust and erase the footprints memories, so you can never return to that bad place.
I will turn your body, so your face will kiss the earth.
I'll blow your spine from the root to the neck to increase your strength and help you walk upright.
And I will let you rest.
After this you will cry, and after crying you will sleep,
And you will dream beautiful and meaningful dreams,
and when you wake up I'll be waiting for you.
I will smile at you, and you will smile back
I will offer you food that you will eat with pleasure, tasting life, and I will thank you.
Because what I’m offering today, was offered to me before when darkness lived within me.
And after I was healed, I felt the darkness leaving, and I cried.
Then we will walk together, and I will show you my garden, and my plants, and I will take you to the fire again.
And will talk together in a single voice with the blessing of the earth.
And we will shout to the forest the desires of your heart.
And the fire will listen and whisper the echo, and we will create hope together.
And the mountains will listen and whisper the echo, and we will create hope together.
And the rivers will listen and whisper the echo, and we will create hope together.
And the wind will listen and whisper the echo, and we will create hope together.
And then we will bow before the fire, and we will call upon all the visible and invisible guardians.
And you will say thank you to all of them.
And you will say thank you to yourself.
And you will say thank you to yourself.
And you will say thank you to yourself.
~ author unknown

Redeeming the starseed destinies

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED - Freydoon Rassouli

Sometimes I can't understand how I can have so many different strands of DNA within this one body of mine.

Indian

Pakistani

African

Some British

Starseed

My Higher self is actually on track with the ego demolition, it's just that my ego is requiring a lot of time to understand that I actually matter, that all his healing is necessary and that I matter.

When one dies, and a Sufi must die continuously upon the path, all the people who are still "alive" will cease to make much sense.

Forgiveness and detachment become slightly easier.

Silence becomes the most favoured response.

There is no need for the old ties, and as such, they must be cut and severed.

May we each find our true ways, those of purity

And, you know what, it's perfectly okay for me to be openly a starseed. No point in hiding it, it's evident even to those who cannot understand why they stare...

I am a bringer of the light, just like each of us... so why the big fuss?

Subconscious Implosions

Making Allowances

We each are allowed to not cope on any given day. Right now, deep breathing seems to be my biggest issue for the moment.

I've collapsed, imploded upon myself - yet again.

Bringing myself to write this is only because writing in in my blood, my soul and I have been so disconnected from anything creative inside of me for such a long time, I have disconnected from myself.

I had to be signed off from work by a GP who wasn't the best at empathy on Monday, for a week, because I was finding it difficult to be at work, around all the people who frankly don't have the same subtlety that is required for my energy right now. There's such a lack of control, and people are unhappy within themselves and taking it out on me or around me. It's just no longer acceptable.

Total Collapse and Failure

I feel like such a failure as a human being, as a light worker, as a healer, as a female, as Sukaina right now.

But it is what it is. There's not much I can do if my subconscious or whatever has just collapsed and felt overwhelmed. This happens when one is very unhappy with the way life has turned out.

I've been trying to catch up on eight long years of not healing myself in the correct manner.

I finally have someone genuine doing Emotion Code for me, as well as training myself to become a shaman. I guess I broke down because I did this all very rapidly since January 2019.

I have also been to the people who aren't really trained to sort out my energy properly, training themselves. I went to them because that's going to be me at some point. But that wasn't right, and Jane had told me this! You learn the hard way sometimes.

These Cages Are Chafing My Soul

 

My soul is feeling so caged inside this small box of a life I've created for myself, because I thought this is all I could do, all I could manage, all that the world has to offer me.

It isn't as devastating as it has been in the past - maybe because I've been through all of this so many times before, you just look at yourself in the mirror, looks deep into your eyes - and give a huge shrug.

How Is It That Other Healers Are Feeling None of This Collapse?

 

Instagram can be both inspirational and not good for you at the same time. I'm happy for all the artists and activists, etc, who are going from strength to strength in every photograph - not a SINGLE one of my favourite artists or new Pakistani talent seem to be at ALL affected by ascension energies.

Always out, doing something, being amazing - none of this heal your inner trauma and inner child, subconscious trauma shit. None of that - at all.

I find that to be really amazing - how do they pull it off? They evidently are healers - so then?

I don't have much to say - I don't know who I am as the ego is being ripped apart from me daily. At least I've stopped the crying. Some of the numbness has come back.

I'm lacking sleep that has been rejuvenating, and physical energy.

All my friends are away from me during this time - I fell to the position of "begging" my cousin to please call me so I could feel that I have some family who care about me - I even said he was as close to a brother to me as anyone ever would be - he still didn't call me.

NEVER BEG ANYONE, REALLY, TRY YOUR BEST TO SELF SOOTHE.

My powers of manifesting **** masculine energies are always amazing to me.

And also, quite frankly, without any harsh and fiery, or acidic Scorpionic judgements, lightworkers and healers are as messed up as the ones who aren't awake or healers.

Seriously, man!

I still was blessed with having cafe quality cake two days in a row. Jaffa orange and dark chocolate cake, which was amazing - even though I was blubbing tears in front of my manager because it felt so crap I was so sick.

And strawberry cheesecake today.

I was able to spend time with some sweet kids today, and a sweet neighbour.

Almost getting back to normal.

Will have to protect myself from the energy of Brexit because that's half of the reason I collapsed; I couldn't take the bs. I wonder how many counsellors and psychotherapists are having clients speak about the anxiety and sadness this entire fiasco is causing them. Mine had to listen to my own experience of this yesterday.

Life in the UK just isn't ideal for someone like me any longer.

There is hopefully a way to realign my energy towards wherever I need to go, and do whatever I need to do.

Admin is not where I am meant to be.

Come on, yaar... I really need to find a place to start learning to do Bollywood and modern dance.

My brow chakra is quite blown open (sinuses).

God have mercy on me!

The Insanity of the Lives I Left Behind

Image by manfredrichter on Pixabay

Disconnection

These times of healing are shit difficult. I'm not even going to censor the swear words today.

I am finally reaching a point of balance within myself. Some days it feels like I am really inhabiting this body, that the fingers are mine, the soles of the feet are mine .

My expressions become more poetic and eloquent, and I'm not focussed or obsessed on how perfect other people are.

Some days are like this.

But most days, the insecurity and the low self esteem of lifetimes comes to the surface.

Now, the thing is, I still don't know or maybe I don't want to clear the emotions the moment they come up.

I know the basics of emotion Code and can use a magnet on my conception meridian and clear it.

I told myself ages ago, I ought to.

But, heck, do I actually heal myself that way? Heck.

Image by johnhain on Pixabay

The situation for me as a whole stifles and ekes me out; the circumstances I find myself in are increasingly suffocating.

I can't be with the birth family any longer.

Either they have failed gloriously in the task to awaken to love and truth, or they were never meant to.

Can't have any conversations with them; I sound crazy to them.

What's worse is the disrespect I still receive from them, and none of them reflect upon their own selves to question if ever I have been correct in following my own soul's voice.

All my illusions are now being shown to me.

I still don't feel like going out, or doing anything fun. It's literally been healing after healing after healing. And working to earn money. The joy that I worked hard to garner within me has gone for this job.

I'm here because I still haven't found a way forward. Making mistakes due to the fact I really just don't care any longer.

I work in an environment whereby even if they were light-workers or healers, one would never know because of the amount of bs and crap that's brought into the workplace. There have been many days of recent I leave with physical issues in stomach or mind - I still am struggling with psychic protection. It feel, to me, that I keep picking up on their negative entities. I can't afford to do this another day.

Image by StockSnap on Pixabay

It takes at least 50 deaths to wake up, and trust me, I'm just on the first level.

God, where do I go from here? Show me.

Friendships would therefore be difficult to maintain or form, because all the ones before were based on my continuing to be dysfunctional and broken.

There are two or three people I wish to still remain friends with, but they don't care for me the way I care for them.

All of them are males.

And I have to cut cords and let them go, because for some reason I bring nothing to their lives which is positive or noticeable.

Waking up is shit difficult. I seem to just keep losing people, even the good ones... And one of them IS actually awake.

Lekin kya karein? You can't resist this world and the shifting energetics that occur within us.

Souls that were so close to me become so distant. Such is life.

There is also goodness, but we don't give details of goodness because the nature of the internet has become so perverse that energies are drained and attacked, and that's no longer tolerable or tolerated.

May we all heal ourselves.

There's a lot of crap flying around, a lot of lives still living within us even though we outlived those realities.

My prayer for those who are both awake and not: slow down, reflect, heal, wake up, and help each other to rise.

I find myself wishing to engage with certain creative souls, vocal souls, but the noise and chaos feels too much, I step back.

Maybe I'll feel very different in a few months time when I've gotten my own shit together.

But as of now, cooking a decent meal for myself and getting to this 9-5 job and working as best I can with a bunch of unaware, unhappy, disconnected souls is the best I can do.



Keeping silent and clearing judgements brings much grace.

That's something I've gone into seclusion this weekend to work on.

All of a sudden, I'm actually speaking to people like Waqas Ali and Isam Bachiri (whom I sort of idolise due to them being powerful older souls who've just paved the way for abundance and healing music and saved me from much deeper sorrow)... On Instagram, but still! Waqas actually replied to me, and it felt so validating.

As though, again, I now exist on this planet.

And now, need to drag this body exhausted from past life healing up to do the mundane chores I wish I didn't have to do every damned weekend.

It's not what I came here to do.

But it is what I find myself doing.

These are not complaints, just realisations of where I am and where I wish I was in life.

Image by geralt on Pixabay

In the end, to be as humble as dust, one pays the price of humiliation and a complete stripping down of any artifice and fakeness, lies and deceit towards oneself and God.

Peace x

One Soul, Many Lifetimes...

Conformity

I begin, as always, with the name of the Divine, great Spirit, the one who has a thousand names. Each soul whispers to the divine in secret, yet in full view of others, we place so many masks and block the connection.

Conformity is ruining my current incarnation. I didn't confirm in other incarnations, and suffered such wounds, I don't wish to repeat it all over again.

Unawakened and insecure people fear Light. They have been given the power to destroy. They don't listen, they ignore medicine women.

It is 2018. Things ata greatly different.

Yet, I still conform.

I still run after people, who are good, but don't want to be in my sphere. The energies shifted since last August. I have to really open up and let go of all of the relationships.

I just scrape by, and these are not complaints; these are simple observations about my experience.

Heart-cording

I somehow met someone, online, we got on well. I sensed he was a soulmate, but it ended very quickly - because he wasn't willing to open to the reality that all connections are divine. All he wanted to do was sexxualise me. I told him to sexualise a woman to the exclusion of love and honour, this degrades her, and the soul connection. It has no foundation, and is a fear-based act. Which is understandable.

He blocked me, with very little respect.

Who wants to love and to be loved, with intense vulnerability, paradox, and no labels - real stuff - when we can live in fantasy of fucking and pounding or having our way? Blocking the very real emotions and regrets on mucking up our lives and having to rebuild from scratch?

Who wants to be reminded that one needs courage to let go of that which has become harmful BEFORE we go for something that is in our best? Our destiny?

His words and ideas, just like the others before him, were stained with Imran's scent, except they were even more eloquent than mine (such a turn on).

This makes me understand that it's not them doing it on purpose, it is still that malignant masculine trauma seeping through all the males I come across.

We are so very connected. I may not feel connected, and I forget to connect on a soul level first, but we are.

words by nayyirah waheed

He blocked me on social media before I had a chance to apologise. Do I have anything to apologise for? Yes. I wanted to give him a safe space to express his shadow, but he wasn't able to reciprocate. So my ego kicked in, and I told him unfiltered truths. I blocked the sex chat because he was cheating on his wife, and I was enabling him. This staining my own soul, and blocking my own path of integrity.

A friend of mine told me that I had made a mistake talking about spiritual things. That men can't handle it, and they reject and run away. Which hurts more because they reject your core.

I am certain this is now an outdated thought-form. Very much so. Just because we are naive and unaware healers, and just because we attract those who are in masculine darkness, does not reflect the fact that the rest of the world is moving forward. Male musicians, artists, filmmakers, thinkers, writers... The "right sort". The connected lot. They all exist - they may all be hooked up and married, committed, but they do exist.

I just randomly saw a Hassan Minhaj fan and the artwork he does. I was blown away. Especially since he not only lives in London, but he also lives in my very own neighborhood, has a cat and is a practicing Muslim.

His art is stunning. Find him on Instagram under the handle "mastahgram". This is an aligned soul; fully aligned with purpose and faith, etc.

We traumatised souls, who have had it extra difficult to let go and expand, whether male or female...

But they also reject their own truth.

I can't be with people who are too wounded, who haven't even questioned their beliefs, who don't respect women for whatever reasons, who haven't given themselves the freedom to "be".

I will continue to love him (I had corded into him, from my heart, but only into his hand; I was an option, apparently) because my soul's lesson is to transmute into love. Plus, loving people heals them and it feels so good. I still have a heart wall, and so need to demolish it piece by piece.

I refuse to carry any more crap into future incarnations, which I will then be paying a healer weekly to remove.

Do we even realise how much of another's life we are living?

These lives we lead, unless we are experts at energy removal in the moment, are not even ours.

And this, this, this, is the reason I must become a kickass healer. Not for any fame or game. There's no prestige in being an energy cleaner. Clearing crap that should never have continued from the point of inception.

I mean, it causes so much mess.

Reconnection to Self and to Allah

This is key. Everything else has fallen away. I swear, it feels like every year I go through multiple deaths. This is because I forget who I am and where I am going.

Last year, I allowed my ego to take over when I was planning to go to my cousin's wedding. From the moment I left home, my ego was in charge. The arrogance of having money, travelling, the delusional aspects of my going to a Pakistani wedding, the illusions I had around families and my links with them... And the ignorance I had around exactly how many attachments and entities I had...

I was overly obsessed with form. Delusional regarding expectations and what I was doing. Lipstick, eyeshadow, chuuriyan, clothing, mehendi, etc. I didn't realise what a humbling experience my soul had chosen, whereas on that same playing ground, everyone else had fun, grew and thrived.

But we need to go through these trials, and they propel us towards ourselves.

It has taken me so long to do Emotion Code consistently, to book a session with a bona fide, humble light language healer, to do more shamanic soul retrieval.

And, had I done it before the wedding, or before Spain, I wouldn't have been in such situations that disrespected me, that showed me up as someone with an empty cup, and having nothing to offer.

Even my cousin has left my sphere, the one who came to me in 2016 when I was so lost, rudderless (once again, the online guy had a vocabulary even better than mine), and bereft of hope.

Disconnection. From a deep, soul level. From first point of incarnation and I just added to it.

What I Truly Desire

I desire to sing in that free voice that is emerging, I wish to dance unfettered, with others who are truly in sync with life.

I desire to create a centre that is so much blessed with God's love, and architecturally a miracle. Loads of windows and trees..

We could teach healing arts, and people can do yoga and meditation, and pray, and shift.

I want to somehow be able to shift things on a fundamental core level. War, famine, homelessness, ignorance, the manner we treat starseed children needs to change.

The truth is, none of us, none of us needs to go through karmic cycles any longer.

I don't need to be so disconnected.

I am so disconnected, I forget to drink enough water, take supplements, go outside for walks, I forget everything that's good for me, but I will fight for others.

I am slowly feeling energy in the cells. My hearing is sharper, my fingers and toes feel more electricity.

And I'm still playing small.

Shamanic Journeying

I finally was willing to journey this evening. Went into the Chamber of Wounds, and saw my core wound, with all the other wounds trailing off of it.

Clear the core, the others will crumble like in dominoes.

Went into the Chamber of Contracts and vows.

All my contracts are outdated now. Cancelled all of them. All of this has tired me out, and can't move now.

Oh well.

Thank you for reading. Hopefully, there will be a time I will write once more, without the desperate desire for fame and reknown.

My current concern is that with all contracts expired, I won't have any family and friends.

Again.

But, I do have Coke Studio and Nescafé Basement.

And it's not always about having people around. It's about being the best version of oneself, of being there in the darkness of others (protected from now on) and doing the healing work.

It's scary.

I don't have skills.

But that's the current trajectory...

May I find it through. Kind of like Hassan Minhaj (what an inspiration).