Subconscious Implosions

Making Allowances

We each are allowed to not cope on any given day. Right now, deep breathing seems to be my biggest issue for the moment.

I've collapsed, imploded upon myself - yet again.

Bringing myself to write this is only because writing in in my blood, my soul and I have been so disconnected from anything creative inside of me for such a long time, I have disconnected from myself.

I had to be signed off from work by a GP who wasn't the best at empathy on Monday, for a week, because I was finding it difficult to be at work, around all the people who frankly don't have the same subtlety that is required for my energy right now. There's such a lack of control, and people are unhappy within themselves and taking it out on me or around me. It's just no longer acceptable.

Total Collapse and Failure

I feel like such a failure as a human being, as a light worker, as a healer, as a female, as Sukaina right now.

But it is what it is. There's not much I can do if my subconscious or whatever has just collapsed and felt overwhelmed. This happens when one is very unhappy with the way life has turned out.

I've been trying to catch up on eight long years of not healing myself in the correct manner.

I finally have someone genuine doing Emotion Code for me, as well as training myself to become a shaman. I guess I broke down because I did this all very rapidly since January 2019.

I have also been to the people who aren't really trained to sort out my energy properly, training themselves. I went to them because that's going to be me at some point. But that wasn't right, and Jane had told me this! You learn the hard way sometimes.

These Cages Are Chafing My Soul

 

My soul is feeling so caged inside this small box of a life I've created for myself, because I thought this is all I could do, all I could manage, all that the world has to offer me.

It isn't as devastating as it has been in the past - maybe because I've been through all of this so many times before, you just look at yourself in the mirror, looks deep into your eyes - and give a huge shrug.

How Is It That Other Healers Are Feeling None of This Collapse?

 

Instagram can be both inspirational and not good for you at the same time. I'm happy for all the artists and activists, etc, who are going from strength to strength in every photograph - not a SINGLE one of my favourite artists or new Pakistani talent seem to be at ALL affected by ascension energies.

Always out, doing something, being amazing - none of this heal your inner trauma and inner child, subconscious trauma shit. None of that - at all.

I find that to be really amazing - how do they pull it off? They evidently are healers - so then?

I don't have much to say - I don't know who I am as the ego is being ripped apart from me daily. At least I've stopped the crying. Some of the numbness has come back.

I'm lacking sleep that has been rejuvenating, and physical energy.

All my friends are away from me during this time - I fell to the position of "begging" my cousin to please call me so I could feel that I have some family who care about me - I even said he was as close to a brother to me as anyone ever would be - he still didn't call me.

NEVER BEG ANYONE, REALLY, TRY YOUR BEST TO SELF SOOTHE.

My powers of manifesting **** masculine energies are always amazing to me.

And also, quite frankly, without any harsh and fiery, or acidic Scorpionic judgements, lightworkers and healers are as messed up as the ones who aren't awake or healers.

Seriously, man!

I still was blessed with having cafe quality cake two days in a row. Jaffa orange and dark chocolate cake, which was amazing - even though I was blubbing tears in front of my manager because it felt so crap I was so sick.

And strawberry cheesecake today.

I was able to spend time with some sweet kids today, and a sweet neighbour.

Almost getting back to normal.

Will have to protect myself from the energy of Brexit because that's half of the reason I collapsed; I couldn't take the bs. I wonder how many counsellors and psychotherapists are having clients speak about the anxiety and sadness this entire fiasco is causing them. Mine had to listen to my own experience of this yesterday.

Life in the UK just isn't ideal for someone like me any longer.

There is hopefully a way to realign my energy towards wherever I need to go, and do whatever I need to do.

Admin is not where I am meant to be.

Come on, yaar... I really need to find a place to start learning to do Bollywood and modern dance.

My brow chakra is quite blown open (sinuses).

God have mercy on me!