self expression

I'm finding it a bit easier to express to people verbally how I feel.

And at the same time, I am finding some really unhappy people taking out their crap on me, the last was a new mother who came to my workplace and treated me like a servant. The funny thing is that she was from what is classed as an oppressed ethnic minority. I just tolerated her, as my energy has worn thin with humans at this time.

This year has shown to me all the places whereby my ego has been grabbing onto things and people and experiences that are not for me.

Creativity has been blocked entirely, and I am working on healing some stuff inside of me, to help me progress.

As usual, I am alone in this, and lonely.

As usual, ghosts from the past come to haunt me in the silent, darkness at night. I speak to them, I tell them how I feel, there is no answer, not even to my "salaam".

I have been distracting myself with Indian cinema and Bollywood interviews. Makes me happy to a least be associated with Indian lineage, even if my own particular family's lineage is mightily f*cked up.

I have made some firm decisions, that I am now awaiting my dear Allah to help me finalise and materialise.

This will change the fabric of this earth, and grant me some everlasting peace.

Jab insaan itna thaktha hai dunya se, logon sey, umeedein jab sab khojatein hain, phir focus karna parta hai towards something that works better.

Haar maanne koi buri baat nahi hai.

We go back to the drawing board and take a huge rest, and then pick lighter challenges and come back down again.

In other news, I just learned that Sikhism is only 500 years old, and was merged a little between Hinduism and Islam. So interesting.

I like the energy behind Sikhism, feels very pure - especially when I listen to Ik Onkar by Harshdeep Kaur.

These are just disjointed thoughts - I've had the flu and it's kicked my butt again.Bollywood is keeping me connected and grounded.

Issi bandi ko zyaada inkesaari ki zaroorat par rahi hai... kya karein?

This song is my latest love - I just discovered it:

Dance In Your Blood...

I wanted to make another video today. It just didn't happen, again.

I am in a low place emotionally, so all that was coming out was a lot of personal angst and complaints. Which is perfectly allowed by the Divine, just very poor entertainment value for viewers.

So I took a detox salt bath with rose essential oils and herbs, and feel like I am a bit more inside my skin.

There is a lot going on.

I am finally becoming selfish. The more selfish I become with my energy and time, the more I succeed in something else.

I amde the mistake of going to a dinner organised by work management. I wasn't going to go, as I prefer to go out by myself. But somehow, I got encouraged to go by a work colleague, who seemed very loving at the time.

On the day, we didn't even talk to each other, and as much as I tried to be a positive person, I was rundown with what feels like flu, and it became uncomfortable as I really can't do small talk with people I have nothing in common.

I have to write it up as experience and a huge lesson about following my own decisions through, and not giving up my 2.5 hours and some money because of someone who doesn't care when I am sick, and I wouldn't trust to save me if anything happened to me.

Sigh.

Basically, the spiritual master will dance when they are bleeding.

They will be honest, and tell the truth about what their limitations are.

I have lost all the friends I made over the last two years. My physical and emotional detox isn't progressing. I am forgetting things, and have consulted someone I trust as psychic and working on clearing emotions that have tormented generations of my family's lineage.

And there's a lot more going on. I fail every single day.

Can one blame me for wanting to isolate and hide?

People are showing themselves to be even more disconnected from soul and heart, they are NOT in their bodies.

Anyway....

we dance.

And make beautiful patterns with the blood on the dancefloor.


Dance, when you’re broken open. 
Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. 
Dance in the middle of the fighting. 
Dance in your blood. 
Dance when you’re perfectly free 
– Rumi


Even the gift of articulation is muted at this time. I can't write much else, although there is MUCH to say.

Deeper Than That

 

 

Twin Flame Love Journey

6 hrs ·

Deeper than Love at First sight.
THE SOUL CONNECTION IS DEEPER THAN THE EYES MAY SEE AND PERCEIVE. It is what is seen beyond the eyes that triggers our remembrance. This remembrance comes in different forms throughout lifetimes which we’ve experienced as soul on our soul’s journey. You see, it isn’t simply our bodies that are on this journey, it’s most certainly our soul’s initiation which prompted our formation and our willingness to take on human form in order to fulfill some mission we signed up for. While we may not remember the mission initially, our souls most certainly do. Which is why many times as we travel though life, we may not understand the meaning for certain occurrences, yet in retrospect we learn the meaning of the experience. So what we feel, and what we perceive are usually introductions for experiences which have yet to materialize and the meaning usually involves a much broader scope because it is heavenly. In this way there is no such thing as failure, only transcendence, only the implementation of butterfly affects which will most certainly have their way further than the eyes may see because they are steadily fueled through and by soul’s intent.
THE SOUL CONNECTION IS LOVE. What is Love? It is the very energy which ensured our safe entry on to this earth plane. It is the energy that we recognize through connection. It is consistent, patient and steadfast. It gives our minds the ability to dream and our souls the urge to travel. It brings true meaning to our lives. And so, as we walk in Love, there are doors which continuously open for the advancement of Divine mission. I’ve often heard that God will not put on us more than we can bare; it’s often resonated as truth. For as soul, we are resilient, we are open; we want to know and stay in the knowing of God through expansion as triggered through our ascension process.
THE TWIN FLAME CONNECTION IS DEEPER THAN THE EYES MAY SEE OR PERCEIVE. It is that of Love. It is a mission involving dualism. Where masculine and feminine are defined as one soul with counterbalancing present within each and every soul in human form. The duality aspect from a Twin Flame perspective is that I feel my masculine aspect was masterfully placed within the psyche as a trigger for soul remembrance. As the masculine human form makes entrance into the feminine’s sacred space, it’s merely a subtle reminder or final snippet in a puzzle which consists of mutuality. The same may be said for the feminine aspect. He recognizes the divine feminine counterpart through the counterbalancing feminine aspect within the strength of his own masculinity. And so this phenomenon is as real and as sacred as the sun rising each day, and is as natural as the sun set as well. You see, all of this is being recorded, this whole journey, and I’m beginning to learn that as we transform in this life, the opportunity to create and co-create the journey of our choice remains the same. What we decide to create will remain a conscious decision until the very day we leave this plane. And so, may all we do align with the soul’s mission, in understanding that we are more than this skin, this hair or these eyes. While I do feel that these eyes are most certainly the windows to the soul. I can literally hear what isn’t said through them at times…~ Shameika Pearson

Breaking down the breakdown

VENUS RETROGRADE IN SCORPIO - update

This has been a very difficult week and month.

The good thing is that all the crap is being cut through with a silver knife and swift motion.

Whoosh! Cut.

Boundaries are being realigned, and I am seeing how many gaps there are in my life. How all of this has been something I create with the same mundane routine and thoughts and feelings of helplessness and disappointments.

I have made some empowering decisions, that are different from how I've made decisions.

No going places I'm not wanted, or where I will not enjoy myself - based on old programming.

Facing my fears, and changing the way I think, behave.

Opening my heart, and I am doing my best to be a nicer person.

My main flaws are judgement, an armoured heart, deep anger, lack of self love, a muted personality, no friends, stinginess, unadventurousness. There are more, but these are the ones that need to be unravelled in order for me to become a nicer person.

I keep falling sick, and when my energy is misaligned, then I make heaps of mistakes.

All the people I know who are on a similar spiritual path have had both great blessings and great challenges being thrown at them in exactly the same moment. We are projecting greatly upon each other, and I am doing my best to not take it on - to understand what my truth is, whtat the authentic energy is. Old souls are not infallible, in fact they are slightly more complicated and bling-sighted than I imagined them to be.

The heavy veils upon my head, and the control that people at work had over me - no longer the case. I have to consciously remove energies from my body, mind and auric fields daily - but the reward is I am me. And I don't feel I have to apologise for it.

I have had to look deep within my heart, and see all the old creepy crawlies, the intensity that is Scorpio, and ask God to fizzle it all out.

I have spoken up and said what was in my heart (or texted it) and if it's love, and the other person can't reciprocate, they are just in another world that doesn't collide with mine.

I am very close to another breakdown.

I just don't know why my connection to God, to the people I used to be able to even hear their thoughts, and see their faces in front of mine - all of it has been swept away.

It is a bunch of miscellaneous, mundane human stuff.

There is a lot of confusion. For example, when I went for a massive purging healing on 22 August, it was made very clear to me, with compassion, that I am imagining love for my cousin that isn't there. Romantic love. And yet, my love and affection for him increases. He fascinates me, and I think that's okay, as long as I don't romanticise it. We may still be spiritual twins, and have something spiritual and worthy that we can bring about together, because our values and our temperaments are quite similarly aligned, but my romantic parner is still a mystery if there ever will be one.

And I have am on my way to fully surrendering to this, because God is more important to me. My connection to God will come first. I idolise everyone if I get them before I get myself, and surrender fully to God.

All being thrashed out, so that I could hopefully begin my travels into this big, bad world and make things slightly better than when I came.

I need to go travelling this coming weekend. I am deep need of healing.

Let's see if I make it happen.

---

Plus point is someone kindly gave me their Netflix details, so I have watched Dev D and now watching Bareilly Ki Barfi. I know I will finish off Raees one day - a bit slow.

It's all a mish-mash of the old mundane, superficial self, and the real self who is being purified.

 I can't say much else; I can't be more eloquent about it right now.

At least I'm still alive, and haven't done anything drastic as yet.

That hasn't been a worry for a long time, up until last week. Work stress and people at work just flipping colours on me, it gets too much of the old crap.

For they know that love is freedom

Eventually we find someone
Or maybe they find us...
Who has no desire to change us
For they love us exactly as we are
Who has no desire to control us
For they know that love is freedom
Who has no desire to belittle us
For they yearn to see us grow
Somebody who communicates
Only in the vibration of love
Somebody who creates a safe space
For us to knock down our walls
And somebody whose only desire for us
Is that we follow our bliss
In this sanctuary of love ...
There is no drama
No criticism
No jealousy
No manipulation
No attack
No neediness
Only love
Acceptance
And freedom
When we find this somebody...
Or maybe they find us
We finally understand....
Why we had to go through all the pain

~Written by Karen Star

Writing to the Void

Perhaps we each are the most beloved of God's creatures, and because we fail to see what the truth of our souls are, we do not understand what mevlana said when he said we are the honoured guests, why do we beg for pieces, crumbs of the al-faani world?

It takes a lot for the infantile soul to mature, to shed the securities it created and made into tiny gods, to turn into symbols of stability and a measure of success and belovedness.

VENUS RETROGRADE IN SCORPIO

I began this blog - or rather, my first blog from which this one is the more mature, spiritual off-spring - during another Venus Retrograde, the one that was destined to pull apart my heart into so many pieces, I never thought I would ever come back together as a whole person ever again.


..... but I did.

On many days, it does not seem like I am.

I have lost so many things along this path to my Beloved, this meandering path, which I never realised was leading to God. How many times have I run away from God, I literally would rather self destruct, and destroy everything good in my life, than to face Allah as how He truly is.

EGO DISCIPLINE

To be honest, the ego annihilation process never ends. We like to think it will end, and that is why all these fake forecasts on how the light is now entering, and how people are in 5D earth, it makes the most gullible of us believe in yet another fallacy - when they talk about deception, it is this that we must be wary of as well.

Right now, I am in deep mourning over how many hours and years of my life I have wasted, but to not waste even more of my life in the mourning.

For someone like me, I chose the loss to occur in my daily life, the small things, the large things, in daily regular life, to teach me the way to God. That is the soul path, signature. Obstacles crop up, and you overcome them somehow.

Nowadays, I overcome them by detachment, and not caring. Missing something, losing something, not experiencing something: it is all just a game. How many days and nights do we lose in the craving, for yet another veil to God?

.....If it isn't meant to be, then it isn't meant to be. God is the prize, God is the constant.

Sometime in the years gone by, I was so mature and wise. I had all of this time when going through severe depression to be in my SOUL, to BE my soul, to have these chats and these wise inklings, that somehow connected to other parts of my past, the books I had read at university, the books I had read as a child, the experiences I had that were painful, poignant, and somehow meaningful then.

And now, we are in another Venus Retrograde, and rather than take the more convenient route and speak of superficialities, I know that this is another opportunity to gain a closer connection to one's self and to God or Allah. No matter how we frame it, this is still the holy sacred month of Muharram, and it is sacred and every day is a good day to attempt to self-purify.

So what if all the tickets at SOAS were sold out, and I didn't get to meet Arundhati Roy? I'll live.

What's happened to my BECOMING my own version of energy that I'd crave my own company, and not hers? Or anyone I look up to. Someone just messaged me that she is traveling back from London after doing a live show with Braco, the healer. I missed out on that as well.


She did tell me in advance he was coming, and I said I would see.


That's where the real mastery lies. Owning all of our created upheavals and failures.

But, nowadays, I am crumbling so much, I can't look myself in the eyes in the mirror.

I am unsure why this is repeating itself - is it just that I really dislike winter - or is it that there is jsut a lot going on?

There is more to write, but at this precise moment, I am choking up with unshed tears. My throat hurts in the pain of suppressed wails.

So I must desist, and cry out, sob out all the grief and disappointment I feel about myself and the life I continue to create.

At age 34, this is not where I saw myself. I had greater expectations of myself.

....but God humbles those he humbles.

I had to ask my cousin to telephone me last night, because I needed someone on the other side of the phone. So that this Void wouldn't devour me.

So the reality of my once again not having friends wouldn't devour me alive.

It is very surprising how many people I know who don't know me at all, and don't care as they used to. What surprises me more is how I don't care for them, either.

I've kept them close because they have been kind to me, or they are light workers.

But all of them have spoken out of turn, spoken a lot about themselves, or about my lack and my faults, and I've felt heavy and awful afterwards.

So each day, I cut them energetically out of my life.

Yesterday, I cut out people from my phone-book and from Facebook - and I am left with hardly anyone on those lists! That triggered the sadness and meltdown.

This world will become a better place - 

sadly, not before I leave it - 
but hopefully before I am reborn into it.

making me humble

We begin writing with the pronoun "we". It is a long journey to integrating and being absorbed by Him, so that I becomes We. But if we start with that intention, then at least He knows of it.

Someone wise told me God knows how long ago: We are born alone, and we die alone. We face our Creator alone. So why then do you feel the earthly life wouldn't be interspersed with great bouts of aloneness, as well as loneliness?"

I am in deep healing, after spending a huge chunk of 2018 distracted and seduced by my ego, the blindness, and this world.

It is only after I spent time during the family wedding, and I went to the fancy reception, and ate the best red velevet cake, and was surrounded by silks, jewels, and women wearing tonnes of make up, suits, ties, shiny shoes, arrogant business people, and men who didn't know the first thing about how to be respectful to a woman walking or talking - it didn't hit me then, but only when I was back "home", in my own bed, and safe and comfortable with my own thoughts, books, little things that remind me of who I am.

An uncarpeted floor. It's been uncarpeted for a year and a half now due my own dysfunction.
 

And it is with these draw-backs, that we can find the nugget of humility, the groundedness that is required in order to gain a little more proximity to our Lord.

It has been a long while since I have felt the urge to write, and even though I have the urge, and there is light within me and around me, there's still not a lot to be said at this time.

My heart opens and shuts at will.

I fumble a lot.

I have created such a difficult learning ground, a city called London is where I currently reside.

A lot of falsity has been exposed within me and without. And I let go of everything fake within and without.

Whereas before, being alone would be an immense dark cavern inside of my heart, I have had another shamanic healing exactly a month ago, after Eid prayers (which I missed), and it filled me up with more light.

Now, I feel whole from within - not entirely, but enough to know that my own solitude is comfortable and even desired.

For soon, I will be absorbed and I will KNOW the sacred divine intimately.

He only comes when we are open
                                              humble
                                         and alone

P.S. I finally came across new music that would be sacred and would heal my personality. Isam B's energy is so lovely and divinely guided. He also reminds me of my cousin, a very similar energy. I'm in love with Isam's voice. It's very powerful, feminine, yet grounding and masculine - all in one.

At least, that's the best I can describe it for now.

I was devastated when I recently discovered that Outlandish disbanded an entire year ago. I had to grieve, especially since I never allowed myself to attend any of their live concerts. And now, they are as blessed as solo artists as they were together.

There is a lot that has occurred, and will occur.

I trust that the correct words will fall upon these pages in the correct manner, in the right time.

May our Creator free each of us from suffering, and align us with His will and with our Souls.

those who feel like home

A sea of people,
Yet only very few feel like home.
Some we knew from when we were children,
Afraid to speak, but had a companionship of the heart.

And now, a sea separates one from those who feel like home.

For some, it is more an ocean.
For others, it is a mountain of everlasting silence, never to be broken.

Love never to be declared.

A Sufi is everlastingly grateful for everything ever denied. The secret is a deep one, filled with profundity. We can live a very surface based existence, following passions, lusts, whims, laws, fashions, the mind and intellect.

Until one day, the soul is overburdened by the denial of truth, and states firmly: enough.

We continue to deny in order to purify.

Your first love is your divine Creator. The secrets within this Love will burn your wings, and your sight will also be sacrificed.

But within you, your heart will unfurl, the cage around it will shatter. Everything you have lost, including your dignity and your sanity, can truly be restored in a wholesome way.

The whispered prayer of the one most in need will resume to be asked within the hallowed halls of the saintly tombs.

But the meaning is now entirely different.

We ask for a continuous audience with God.

Anything else is paltry and a pretty mirage.

another way of being

The full moon lunar eclipse. It was a big deal. 

In two months of no rain, clear skies and very hot, tropical weather, it was to thunder and rain precisely on the night of the eclipse - so I am unsure if anyone in the UK was able to view it when it occurred. I am sure there is a message in that for us.

It, plus the retrogrades, is bringing up so many people from my past. People I really do not feel any connection with, who actively seek me out, but then I never know what for, as the connection was broken a long time ago.

Do they reflect back to me darkness? Is it really something I need to see right in my face?

All the traits I thought I had submitted to God, they are gearing up for another round: self-centredness, aggression, victimization, using people for one's comfort, ingratitude, ignorance, ridiculing others, demeaning others, rejection, disconnection when there is sacred love to be experienced...

Being on the receiving side really feels awful. I cry big, silent tears.

Life repeats itself with major misunderstandings and projections. I am okay with all of it, because I don't feel connected emotionally to the people any longer. My auric field is more solid than it ever had been.

Cleansings are being done daily, and showers are a must. With lemon shower gel. They cord in fast and furiously.

All I have to do is realise my boundaries are much stronger, and relevant and reasonable. I isolate myself as that is the easiest coping mechanism.

Although, it makes one wonder if one is still at a lower, fragmented version of life, or is this the reflection of what was once my life?

I never know the reasons why they come back, but not really there. This online business is probably the biggest fallacy and illusion known to humans....

And, the ones I would rather spend my time and energy with...

Are nowhere to be found.

This is an energetic memo to all from my past: I am done. Ended. Not repeating this. Go find you own light and selves.

It is possible to learn the learnings in isolation.

As Rumi said in fihi ma fihi, there is the Muhammedan way of spiritual growth, whereby he was surrounded by those he needed to exercise caution and patience with, including his wives, and companions. And then there is the Jesus way to God, whereby you remain celibate, isolate and have no family. If you can't do it the first way, then by all means find Him the second way.

But the goal is always to find Him/Her and to be absorbed entirely.

That's when the personality genuinely dies, and no longer is interested in the "me" stories, no longer defensive, in separation, unheedful, all talking and no listening.

The end game is sacred Union with God. Let's remind ourselves of this.

If you're working through other challenges, please don't pull someone to you when they finally freed themselves to another way of being. And then others will therefore reflect that same respect toward you in the right time.

We are each our own powerhouses, our own energy sources - work on that

The Rupture and The Repair | Curated Post

THE RUPTURE AND THE REPAIR 

First there is the rupture. Old pain resurfaces, erupting from the depths of the unconscious. 

The status quo is shattered. You feel disoriented, groundless, not knowing where to turn. An old world has crumbled, a new world has not yet formed. 

You encounter the strange space of Now, pure presence, raw, unprotected by old dreams, nothing to cling to. 

Even your outdated concepts of God crumble. 

And then you remember to breathe, and feel your feet on the ground, and observe the spinning mind rather than losing yourself in it. 

The world is out of control but you are not. You feel what you feel. Afraid. Angry. Numb. Sad. Lonely. Unsafe. Whatever. 

You commit to feeling it fully today, to not dissociating this time. A feeling is just a feeling, not a fact, and presence can hold it. 

You wail, you weep, you scream, but you are repairing. You have broken to heal, ruptured to mend. 
Old energies have emerged only to be blessed with love, acceptance, tenderness. 

You can't go back to the way things were. You can't un-see what you have seen. But you can be present, today. And take each step consciously now, not automatically, habitually, but mindfully, with care. Finding gratitude for each extra moment you are alive. 

And staying close to yourself now, as you walk this unknown path with courage, and a new conviction. 

- Jeff Foster


~~~~

I will write another post about the intensity of the challenges most of us are going through collectively, and individually at this time. What little I know of it from my own experience - once I've channelled away my very intense emotions at this time. So it might take a while for that post to appear.

My cousin told me something that I didn't really want to hear, but it was said with humility, love and truth.

Me: I miss writing!
Cousin: You are good at it if only you stay away from emotions channel the emotions dont write with emotions

Therefore, it will take a while for me to write anything worthwhile. I'm currently being eaten up.

What Jeff Foster said above is exactly what's going on with most - not all - of us at this time of eclipses, and just basic soul's growth.

You feel like breaking, but hold on. It doesn't define you - this humanness doesn't define you, and other people's dramas are definitely their issue.

Walk away and channel the emotions. No matter WHO it is in front of you. Value your boundaries, your Self.

We're all connected, and from the same source, but that does not mean  we owe anyone any of our energy. Boundaries will always remain important, no matter how much one ascends inside of oneself.

I am... am I? Shamanic and Sufi thoughts on Be-Ing-Ness

Add caption

The more we surrender to God (I prefer this term), the less we are allowed to hold onto our superficial layers that have given us a sense of security since our childhood.

We die many deaths before we die.

Yet, my observation is, not all of us experience this process in great depth, and that is also with divine grace. Either there are many obstacles, or other earthbound learnings to be fulfilled, or other reasons unknown, but known to the Creator, who is constantly working on each soul's perfection - even in the really crappy times. Of which we all experience a frequency of.

Can you imagine the pilot flying your plane, or the investment banker in charge of your thousands to invest, or your hair stylist, or the guy driving the bus, all of a sudden to having a crisis of consciousness and flaking out, and hiding under the covers for days on end, like most of those whose DNA is shifting?

It would be chaos and unnecessary. (Unless my unravelling was particularly excruciating due to interference factors - which it was, and also it wasn't).

In Fihi ma fihi (Discourses of the Unseen), Rumi states that God has also put the passion for a particular life journey in that soul, because otherwise society wouldn't function. You need the farmer to want to be one, or a dancer, or an actor, or a corporate speaker to want to be one.

Not every single soul currently in incarnation at this time of Light needs to question who we are in essence. If we do, then that too is our path, and after all the unravelling is done, we may still do the occupation, but with an awareness that puts life into sharp focus and paradox, and blesses all those whom we connect with with a high light and frequency. This can truly be felt.  I have experienced this with a handful of people, and hopefully will meet more like this in my life.

Those who have that are nectar, and the bees, wasps, and even butterflies congregate around that Light. But it is a subtle process, so it is also those who are humble, who have realised the nothingness and temporary nature of existence that comes after "I am..."

If you are one who is unravelling, there comes a point when you accept that most people will not be able to cope with it, it will feel fractured, and you'll be forced to give up the old lives you lead.
If you are still meant to be behind the veils, and to continue your life so that the world functions well, thank you. Allow your fractured, unravelling friend to move on, so they can fulfil their role, which doesn't fit into the standard.

Some of us are meant to be in society, but still on the outskirts. A bridge between the seen and unseen worlds.

The mind can't comprehend, only an open heart and submissive ego will be witness.

Darkness 5.0

I have been trying to pull any and all energy and motivation inside of me to write. It just hasn't worked. So I've turned on Darren Hayes inspired music to inspire something intelligible and profound from within my mind and soul to write on these pages.

I will be need ing to go into a second round of eitikaaf (spiritual isolation). I am still very unsettled within myself. If someone stares at me, I can't look back and smile. I look away, ignore them. Most of the time, the energy is VERY heavy, especially from females. Something about me (or it's just their habit) makes them want to steal my solar plexus energy, or my head energy.

I return all of it back - they can process their own shit, I refuse to do it any longer for good karma.

I just got back from Birmingham - not the best trip, but energetically Birmingham is a better place than London. So just being there made me feel lighter. being around relatives is always tough, especially when it's the first time you are meeting them - and they are all from Dar-es-salaam and Zanzibar - they just have something different flooding their veins. Very different.


I took my mesa there. It felt like it would absorb the energies there. I keep having to put my mesa on my stomach and my heart to help heal the pain, the raw pain that just lives there. Relentless.

The darkness has come back - the emotions have all come back, the memories still have not been destroyed. That sucks. It really does. Furthermore, I have peole from my part in karachi come back to talk to me, and although the conenction is not there, there is this karmic compuslio to communicate - maybe jsut to pick apart the wounds, to bring up all of the anger, insecurity, all of it to heal - does it ever fully heal?

I remember school like I was there yesterday. Useless information, really. And anything useful, and pertinent to my present - I seem to be apt at forgetting. Regularly.

I feel all the world is going mad. I just found out Boris Johnson resigned, which I was happy about - but that his resignation has made the pound sterling even weaker.

I am wildly fluctuating between the mundane human life, and finally getting little sparks of spiritual life. I am crying a lot, the kind of tears and wailing I used to do after my ex. The kind of crying that would hollow out an entire cavern inside of my heart, and make me feel the loneliest person on the planet.

This time around, instead of calling on my ex's higher self for love and support, I call upon my cousin's soul for company. it is always willing, and after a while I feel the familiarity of his presence, and my heart calms down and I feel safe and loved all over again - similarly to how I used to feel around my grandparents. It will have to do, in order for me to survive life.

After all, love heals.

God, I have a confession - I am absolutely exhausted and done with having to interact with superficial people I have no reason being with.

Forgive me for whatever it is that causes me to be separated from my soul family.

I am also very much tired of being single, without a loving husband. I have been patient and self sabotaging for 8 years now. Enough.

Women half as intelligent and loving as I am are happily married. Please help me with this.

I know there is a part of me that finds all of this banal and mundane, and that's the part that continuously ensures that I've been single all of my life. I am aware of interference from others, but surely they aren't more powerful than Thou?

But Thy mercy and majesty both encompass all things.

Right?

In the end, it is late at night, I am tired and therefore lose my eloquence. Plus Chiron is in retrograde; my chiron is in Gemini. Not that I'm using it as an excuse - or may be I am...

Surrender to God. Fully. I hear his voice in my head every time it get's too egoic inside of my head.

Does he/she bring you to me? (Curated Post)

Nenari Anne Diamond

15 June 2017 · 

It was asked~ How do you know if he/she is the one?
And the Master Artist whispered "Does he/she bring you to me?, Does this one remind you of me, the God incarnate you are? Does this one uplift you, inspire you into your Soul and of the wholeness, perfectness, completeness, and beautifulness you are no matter how you act, what you do or say as I see you?
Does this one love you as I love you? THEN he/she is The One"
~Lady Nenari, Princess of the Sea

Authenticity | The Heavy Stuff

I tried to make a video today, but I reviewed it and it sounded very depressed and heavy. It was all true, and it had my heart and soul in it - but it makes for awful viewing.

So I uploaded one I made earlier instead. Back in January.

The sentiments are the same, but I pray that I will snap out of this soon.

I am done.




May God save me from these dark places I find myself falling back into.

lighting the candles, burning the Shadow

The shadow work is being done. It is not necessarily being done by me, but more through me.

There was something that Matt Kahn must have said in one of his recordings, and someone kind posted it on social media. It was about how I as a human am unable to forgive, unable to work through the shadow, unable to heal the emotions, unable to fix my life, unable to open up my third eye, restructure my DNA and RNA structures, unable to astral heal, etc... but You can do it through me. I surrender to this.

It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.

All this means is to pray for others to be free from suffering, rather than to curse their uncouth and unconscious behaviour.

I am finally able to read 40 Rules of Love without entity interference, or without some ****storm beating my energy to a pulp. I am halfway through, and I am fully in love with Shams of Tabriz. The energy of this soul is so overwhelmingly tender yet rational, fallible yet also beautiful. I see his essence gleaming through my cousin. It is an addictive and very attractive energy. I first came across this free, ferocious, yet quiet and gentle, conceding, malleable energy in my "friend" B in Konya all those years ago. He has been the only man to ever read to me, and light a real fire with coals, and to make me tea (it was that fake artificial apple tea, but who cares!). There is something very attractive about that energy in a man. Solidity, groundedness. We listened to Evanescence songs and his English was amazing and he was so articulate, as well. Middle Eastern men, sigh!

My deep attraction for that energy also highlights that is the energy I currently lack within myself. I will cultivate it within me, God willing. As He works through me inspite of myself.

In the book, as in Life, the beggar's face is that of God, the harlot's heart is as pure as a saint, the alcoholic is bleeding from within and seeks relief - God is within her as well. We none of us are to ever judge the appearance of another.

Rule 14
God is busy with the completion of your work, both outwardly and inwardly. He is fully occupied with you. Every human being is a work in progress that is slowly but inexorably moving toward perfection. We are each an unfinished work of art both waiting and striving to be completed. God deals with each of us separately because humanity is fine art of skilled penmanship where every single dot is equally important for the entire picture.

I have a daily Rumi quote that appears on my phone at 8:30am in the morning. Today was one that takes me a while to understand how.

So far, all I have concluded is that this corporeal world is full of crap and density. And for us idealists, who imagine it to be different. that is why we cause ourselves so much suffering. Once we accept Life for being the opposite of harmony, our resistance ceases, and we don't wish for something different. We accept the insanity and find inner coherence.

Or someone wiser than I am once said:

Life sucks and then you die.

:)

for the duration of my seclusion

"In the quiet moments
the soul has no real urges or desires
When the universe gives you a pocket of quiet, silence, peace,
please dear Soul,
enjoy it and elaborate on it.
That fountain of gratitude that bursts forth from the heart,
allows you to expand time and enjoy more peace.

It is a reality that you create with your gifts."

I have not felt so peaceful since April, when I was in a house in Richmond Hill, sitting on a plush white carpet, leaning against a wall, snow falling softly outside, managing a panic attack and crying silently, whilst my cousin prayed his salaat to my right-hand side. And even then, even with his aura being so warm, healing and magical, I didn't have the power to truly be my own self and feel free from the shackles. I hid myself away like a non-related woman would have to. people passed by me, ignoring me. It is all acceptable, because it is what I experienced and is done.

Life is chaotic, what else can I say?

But right now, I am feeling as though more darkness has lifted.

When I am alone, and when I isolate myself from the people during the weekends, I am able to remember myself in snippets. I can breathe easily. Around others, my 11-2 pattern of taking on other people's patterns kicks up, and I behave in a way I regret later on.

But it doesn't come from the meditation.

I still have not been praying the five a day salaat, and I wonder at myself how I can set myself up for such an arduous journey.

Prayer is not about my ego, and yet my ego makes it all about the ego. And I have indulged it for long, because I justify myself. I say so-and-so is favoured by God, and yet she doesn't prostrate in the Muslim prayer. I forget that, for all of that, she also is possibly on her own journey and the standards by which she will be evolving are different from mine. (Although they do say in sufi tradition that a the more a person is actualised, they will take even more care regarding the daily prayers and even if the number of prayers remains five, the quality of the prayer would help them to even levitate and do the astral travels within it, as the saints have done and continue to do).

It is not as though she has somehow gotten less favour from God for not being Muslim and praying. Quite the contrary, from whatever accounts she makes regarding her mystical experiences.

I know all of this, and yet, the guilt eats me up inside my heart. It is as though, since I was born as a Muslim, I have this duty to carry on with the same tradition. I know it works very well for my cousin, and for others who have also done the inner work.

But then, they eat meat so frequently, it must have an effect upon the soul. It can't not. Whatever goes in affects our soul. And comes out as well.

BEING IN EITIKAAF

Eitikaaf is something I chose for myself from the first day of Ramadhan. It is difficult when you work full time, and when you are a friendly chatty person. Or when chatting to someone means that you feel connected to something. But that is why we do the seclusion. To trigger and bring up all of the fears and insecurities we have that are numbed by the chatter and business.

I am being shown how much disconnection I still have. No visions, no dreams, no third eye open. Just fatigue, anger, people still behaving like morons outside. I just stay home on the weekends because it's safer for me to do so.

The days I fast have been good, I am slowly crushing that stubbornness and the self righteousness. I am now realising that the self righteousness originates from me. Once that goes, people are easier to get along with. We all make mistakes, and it's about finding a way through the chaos and the noise to move back to God and make life easier.


The sacred nights of Qadr are here and I already have my long list of wishes.




Number one, fill me with the zeal of sitting under a starlit sky. It's been years since I did that romantic thing.

Number two is PLEASE grant my favourite music artists with the healing and inspiration they need to make even more high frequency and sacred music. Especially Outlandish, A.R. Rahman, and Coke Studio Season 11 which will start on 14 August (so maybe that prayer is a bit too late now, lol, since they probably have finished composing and recording all of the songs by now. For Season 10, I won't be buying the entire album, just a few songs.). I am also praying that I can find the MP3s for Atif Aslam's Coke Studio songs - I can't find Dholna, Charkha Nolakha and Rabba Sacheya, and it's annoying my ego.


I really request true friends. Please forgive me for all of my flaws which have contributed to my being entirely friendless in London. And heal the issues I have with my family and relatives. Help me to forgive Life every moment (and help me to stop cursing the ignorant, because it just comes back to me threefold).


I need a new job that is respectful of my intellect, creativity and soul. And people who love and respect God, themselves and others. Intelligent and funny people.


And all the rest of it.


I am so exhausted and tired with all of the solar flare activity.

Time for bed.

The heart continues to close, and then open. Same for the mind. Hopefully, I will find respite soon.

Somehow each gives the appearance of the other | Rumi

God’s presence is there in front of me,
a fire on the left, a lovely stream on the right.
One group walks toward the fire, into the fire,
another toward the sweet flowing water.
No one knows which are blessed and which not.
Whoever walks into the fire
appears suddenly in the stream.
A head goes under on the water surface,
that head pokes out of the fire.
Most people guard against going into the fire,
and so end up in it.
Those who love the water of pleasure, and make
it their devotion, are cheated with this reversal.
The trickery goes further.
The voice of the fire tells the truth,
saying, “I am not fire. I am fountainhead.
Come into me and don’t mind the sparks.”
If you are a friend of God, fire is your water.
You should wish to have
a hundred thousand sets of mothwings,
so you could burn them away, one set a night.
The moth sees light and goes into fire.
You should see fire and go toward light.
Fire is what of God is world-consuming.
Water, world-protecting.
Somehow each gives the appearance of the other.
To these eyes you have now what looks like water burns.
What looks like fire is a great relief to be inside.
- Rumi

a little forward movement on the scale of evolution

We all come to a point in our lives whereby the things that would break our heart, do not. You can experience things and still keep that song in your heart.

This month has been really testing for me, mainly on the days I am at work in Mitcham and having to deal with the disturbed public there. Daily, I meet unaligned people, far removed from anything divine and spiritual, misunderstandings abound. I have had at least three women entirely waste precious hours of my life with their blatant lies and ****.

Unfortunately, my intuition either doesn't kick in or I am not listening to it. Had I known, I would have behaved differently. I'm so behind on my other work, it's like trying to hold onto a thousand strings.

Since I began fasting at work, I escape to the local park during lunch, so I can breathe and regain what little dignity I can. Thankfully, it has been sunny and dry in London in order for me to do this.

Today, I accidentally bumped into my friend in the supermarket. He's changed his working hours for the holy month, and so he finishes at 7:00pm. We both were tired from thirst and fasting, and he was stressed - sigh. I wonder if there will ever be a time of freedom and laughter and good stuff.

But I was happy to see him - it has been three months since we last saw each other.

And this time I could see that all of my airs and graces had been swiftly taken from me. Part of this was a result of spending time with my "Sufi" cousin when I was in Toronto, without the airs and graces I used to hold so dearly to myself. He can see thrugh most people, most of the time, most of the way. (Lol.)

I was myself, if a bit lost for the real words and topics due to fatigue.

I ended up getting him some Oreo chocolate, as that's really the only thing I knew he would actually like and eat - he refused to tell me what to get him for his iftaar. God, please bless my friend with the real light you blessed me and my cousin with.

But the desperation and clinging is long gone. If I don't see him, I am contented. This is a major achievement of my soul, which I am acknowledging publicly. I used to cry with real pain in my heart, and wish I could have him for myself. Funnily enough, two nights ago, the same toxic unhelpful regrets about how single I am at age 34, and how no one really wanted to be with me went through my energy field and I cried so much. There was pain in my heart and brain, and I had to place selenite on those areas to extract the pain. It was a much deeper level of healing and acceptance that was needed.

I just want my own husband, and my own happiness now. Without the rubbish that I take almost weekly from certain people I work with, the unhappy ones disconnected from themselves and addicted to alcohol, lying, complaining, and the rest of it.

I truly wonder if this will ever happen?

But then, other things have taken place as well. My dear Moshi died last Thursday - he was put down after being run over by a car. Moshi was my cousin's spoiled cat, but we all loved him SO very much.

I cried a lot for two days. Now I am okay with that.

I fell so ill over the weekend, that I was unable to leave my bed for most of it - such a frustrating, repetitive pattern. It really confounds me how to move forward with this.

My Rahaani teacher told me if I am not self healing, journeying to see my guide, or healing another person, then no wonder I am not highly intuitive and my world isn't going quite as I would like.

I just feel it gets too much to bear sometimes.

I hope you understand the depth of what I mean, and not see this as more complaining and ingratitude. Not that there's anything wrong with being in that state for a while.

I'm still missing the bus, and now they are almost empty buses in the morning. But having missed those buses, I have bumped into very attractive, handsome, well dressed and seemingly kind and benign desi men - who may or may not be single, and may or may not be my spiritual/romantic matches.

Let us see. At the very least, I make more of an effort when getting ready for work in the morning :)

Today was the 6th of the month of Ramadhan. I am technically in eitikaaf, and speaking to His creatures is a part of this eitikaaf. I have and am reflecting upon my core fears and my failings, mistakes, and negativities and asking for help to move beyond all of this.

According to my psychic, I still have to go through another month of utter bull until hopefully my life will be "for real" lighter and filled with Allah's grace.

But I notice I am using the pronoun "I" still.

Speaking of which, my two books arrived - The Degrees of the Soul and The Forty Rules of Love.

I'm going to inundate my energy with Light until I become it.

No other choice; the way of crap and delusion and destruction doesn't work.

be certain that it saved you from pain

“I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. 
I don't know why, 
some people fill the gaps 
and others emphasize my loneliness. 
In reality those who satisfy me 
are those who simply allow me to live with my idea of them.” 
~ Anaïs Nin

Whatever you lost through fate,
be certain that it saved you from pain.
~ Rumi