Darkness 5.0

I have been trying to pull any and all energy and motivation inside of me to write. It just hasn't worked. So I've turned on Darren Hayes inspired music to inspire something intelligible and profound from within my mind and soul to write on these pages.

I will be need ing to go into a second round of eitikaaf (spiritual isolation). I am still very unsettled within myself. If someone stares at me, I can't look back and smile. I look away, ignore them. Most of the time, the energy is VERY heavy, especially from females. Something about me (or it's just their habit) makes them want to steal my solar plexus energy, or my head energy.

I return all of it back - they can process their own shit, I refuse to do it any longer for good karma.

I just got back from Birmingham - not the best trip, but energetically Birmingham is a better place than London. So just being there made me feel lighter. being around relatives is always tough, especially when it's the first time you are meeting them - and they are all from Dar-es-salaam and Zanzibar - they just have something different flooding their veins. Very different.


I took my mesa there. It felt like it would absorb the energies there. I keep having to put my mesa on my stomach and my heart to help heal the pain, the raw pain that just lives there. Relentless.

The darkness has come back - the emotions have all come back, the memories still have not been destroyed. That sucks. It really does. Furthermore, I have peole from my part in karachi come back to talk to me, and although the conenction is not there, there is this karmic compuslio to communicate - maybe jsut to pick apart the wounds, to bring up all of the anger, insecurity, all of it to heal - does it ever fully heal?

I remember school like I was there yesterday. Useless information, really. And anything useful, and pertinent to my present - I seem to be apt at forgetting. Regularly.

I feel all the world is going mad. I just found out Boris Johnson resigned, which I was happy about - but that his resignation has made the pound sterling even weaker.

I am wildly fluctuating between the mundane human life, and finally getting little sparks of spiritual life. I am crying a lot, the kind of tears and wailing I used to do after my ex. The kind of crying that would hollow out an entire cavern inside of my heart, and make me feel the loneliest person on the planet.

This time around, instead of calling on my ex's higher self for love and support, I call upon my cousin's soul for company. it is always willing, and after a while I feel the familiarity of his presence, and my heart calms down and I feel safe and loved all over again - similarly to how I used to feel around my grandparents. It will have to do, in order for me to survive life.

After all, love heals.

God, I have a confession - I am absolutely exhausted and done with having to interact with superficial people I have no reason being with.

Forgive me for whatever it is that causes me to be separated from my soul family.

I am also very much tired of being single, without a loving husband. I have been patient and self sabotaging for 8 years now. Enough.

Women half as intelligent and loving as I am are happily married. Please help me with this.

I know there is a part of me that finds all of this banal and mundane, and that's the part that continuously ensures that I've been single all of my life. I am aware of interference from others, but surely they aren't more powerful than Thou?

But Thy mercy and majesty both encompass all things.

Right?

In the end, it is late at night, I am tired and therefore lose my eloquence. Plus Chiron is in retrograde; my chiron is in Gemini. Not that I'm using it as an excuse - or may be I am...

Surrender to God. Fully. I hear his voice in my head every time it get's too egoic inside of my head.