Breaking down the breakdown

VENUS RETROGRADE IN SCORPIO - update

This has been a very difficult week and month.

The good thing is that all the crap is being cut through with a silver knife and swift motion.

Whoosh! Cut.

Boundaries are being realigned, and I am seeing how many gaps there are in my life. How all of this has been something I create with the same mundane routine and thoughts and feelings of helplessness and disappointments.

I have made some empowering decisions, that are different from how I've made decisions.

No going places I'm not wanted, or where I will not enjoy myself - based on old programming.

Facing my fears, and changing the way I think, behave.

Opening my heart, and I am doing my best to be a nicer person.

My main flaws are judgement, an armoured heart, deep anger, lack of self love, a muted personality, no friends, stinginess, unadventurousness. There are more, but these are the ones that need to be unravelled in order for me to become a nicer person.

I keep falling sick, and when my energy is misaligned, then I make heaps of mistakes.

All the people I know who are on a similar spiritual path have had both great blessings and great challenges being thrown at them in exactly the same moment. We are projecting greatly upon each other, and I am doing my best to not take it on - to understand what my truth is, whtat the authentic energy is. Old souls are not infallible, in fact they are slightly more complicated and bling-sighted than I imagined them to be.

The heavy veils upon my head, and the control that people at work had over me - no longer the case. I have to consciously remove energies from my body, mind and auric fields daily - but the reward is I am me. And I don't feel I have to apologise for it.

I have had to look deep within my heart, and see all the old creepy crawlies, the intensity that is Scorpio, and ask God to fizzle it all out.

I have spoken up and said what was in my heart (or texted it) and if it's love, and the other person can't reciprocate, they are just in another world that doesn't collide with mine.

I am very close to another breakdown.

I just don't know why my connection to God, to the people I used to be able to even hear their thoughts, and see their faces in front of mine - all of it has been swept away.

It is a bunch of miscellaneous, mundane human stuff.

There is a lot of confusion. For example, when I went for a massive purging healing on 22 August, it was made very clear to me, with compassion, that I am imagining love for my cousin that isn't there. Romantic love. And yet, my love and affection for him increases. He fascinates me, and I think that's okay, as long as I don't romanticise it. We may still be spiritual twins, and have something spiritual and worthy that we can bring about together, because our values and our temperaments are quite similarly aligned, but my romantic parner is still a mystery if there ever will be one.

And I have am on my way to fully surrendering to this, because God is more important to me. My connection to God will come first. I idolise everyone if I get them before I get myself, and surrender fully to God.

All being thrashed out, so that I could hopefully begin my travels into this big, bad world and make things slightly better than when I came.

I need to go travelling this coming weekend. I am deep need of healing.

Let's see if I make it happen.

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Plus point is someone kindly gave me their Netflix details, so I have watched Dev D and now watching Bareilly Ki Barfi. I know I will finish off Raees one day - a bit slow.

It's all a mish-mash of the old mundane, superficial self, and the real self who is being purified.

 I can't say much else; I can't be more eloquent about it right now.

At least I'm still alive, and haven't done anything drastic as yet.

That hasn't been a worry for a long time, up until last week. Work stress and people at work just flipping colours on me, it gets too much of the old crap.