We join together on December 21 to celebrate the solstice.
I have been receiving so many communications from people all over the
world. We all knew the planet was going through a huge initiation. And
initiations are designed to be perilous to wear down the ego, mind, and
body so that we awaken our inner spiritual fire that already knows how
to create the necessary changes for all of life to survive. But what so
many spiritual practitioners are realizing is that no matter how much
spiritual work we are all doing we will be riding turbulent waves and
going through the initiation together.
In my January 2018 Transmutation News on www.sandraingerman.com
I wrote (not yet posted) about the issue of many of us in the
spiritual community wanting to see a “win” on moving through the current
challenges we all face everywhere in the world. The true nature of
initiations is more like preparing a slow cooked meal.
We cannot use the power of our mind or physical body to muscle through to the next evolution of consciousness.
Depending on where you live you are flowing into winter or summer. And
nature is such a great teacher about how to flow with change. For
everything in nature is in constant movement. Storms, seasons, lunar
cycles, and growth impact our life on a daily basis. And once we connect
with nature’s flow we connect with our own internal flow and walk
moving gracefully with the flow of life.
This solstice spend
time in nature, and see if you can awaken your own inner flow. Spending
time in nature is so healing to you and all of life as you feed the web
of life with your dreams, love, and light.
You can drum, rattle,
chant, and dance. But most of all be present to the gift that nature
brings to you every minute of your waking life.
Feel the sun
shining on your face. If the sun is not out and shining brightly imagine
the warmth of the sun bringing a glow to your face. Share your
gratitude with the living being we call Sun. Reach down and feel the
texture of the earth you are standing on. Stand for awhile on the earth
swaying or gently rocking back and forth as you find your inner flow
connecting with earth where you live. Give thanks for all Earth provides
for you physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Bless the wind as it
caresses you. Thank Air for bringing you life and being an ongoing
companion with each breath in and out. If you can visit a body of water
please do so. If not work with water in your home. Radiate your inner
light to any water you can be with. You can radiate light focusing on a
bowl of water and then feed it to a local body of water or to the earth.
Planet Earth is a water planet, and you are a being of water too. Water
flows within and without effortlessly always in the flow of movement of
returning to Source – the great sea. You would not be alive without
water. Please give Water your heartfelt thanks.
As you do this notice how your body connects to the change in season. The change impacts our inner and outer world.
We will all continue to experience the dissolving of so many layers of
old unhealthy patterns and ways of behaving in the world. But you will
always be able to trust your inner spirit to hold you and propel into a
new and healthy state.
The key is to keep diving deeper into
your own inherent strength. As you continue your ceremonial work and
your spiritual practices you will notice organic changes over time. The
organic next stage of our process will happen over time. We must be
willing to understand what we planted in our inner and outer garden that
have come to fruition. It is time for us to return to our destiny of
being great gardeners within and without on this great Earth. Take the
time to examine your inner garden and explore what you seeds you need
plant to nurture and love yourself. And then explore what seeds you need
to plant to nurture all of life and the Earth. Watching gardens grow
through both storms and beautiful weather is inspiring. Gardens grow
organically.
The only changes we will see in our inner and outer
world are due to the seeds that you plant and nurture. And all
gardeners know that growth happens in an organic process in the right
time for the plant to germinate and blossom into great beauty.
Whether you are in entering into winter or summer there are always ways
to nurture your inner garden. Disconnect from the toxic energies being
spewed into the collective. Listen to some soothing music and travel
within. That is where you will find peace, rich soil to plant in, and
the fire of spirit will light your way. This is such an important
practice for all of us to do right now. For spirit will guide us if you
let it lead. But most of us are trying to think our ways out of the
challenges we are facing. And for tens of thousands of years those who
have come before us have taught that by awakening your inner fire you
can walk through any challenge.
May you find inner peace by
resting in your spirit as we welcome in the solstice. And may we greet
each day with curiosity and wonder of all the beauty we can plant into
our collective while what no longer serves us dissolves away just like
waves dissolve away all the old images, feelings, debris left in the
sand. Nothing is permanent. Remember that. Trust yourself. Your spirit
knows. Go deeper and you will find all you are searching for lies
within.
"When
it’s not against the rules to be hurt, heartbroken, or irritated by the
unconsciousness of others, you’ll be surprised to notice how less often
unconsciousness triggers you. As long as your goal is to not be
triggered, you are unknowingly moving away
from your true nature of innocent vulnerability. When this occurs, you
are bound to discover more tumultuous circumstances to blame for the
reactions that no one was ever born to control. No matter how
desperately you attempt to control your experience, you are bound to
recognize the fact that a spiritual journey has nothing to do with
living a triggered-free existence. Instead, it is an inward journey home
that is fueled by how willing you are to recognize each precious
reaction, as an opportunity to love in yourself what is being
transformed throughout the hearts of all." - Matt Kahn
Dear
Ones, as you continue along your enlightenment journey and understand
that the process is about stepping into your authentic power and coming
home to your own divine mastery, the way you help people will change.
Rather than repeatedly rescuing others, or telling them what to do, you
will begin encouraging others to step into their own power and mastery
by connecting with their own truth and wisdom. You will honour their
decisions and choices as completely capable souls that
are experts on their own path. You will know when to step forward to
help if they ask for assistance and need an extra hand, but as soon as
they can find their own balance you will release them to their own
capable care. You will encourage them to make decisions based on what
feels right and empowered for them.
This will profoundly shift the way you interact with others, as well as
how you parent, teach, and inspire others. This will help create
healthier connection because you will be a safe person to connect with
due to your unconditional love, encouragement, and acceptance. This will
support healthier boundaries and growth for all. Because you are no
longer interfering or enabling, resentments will heal. What is accepted
as love will shift into much healthier expressions of caring and
support.
As you start to recognize each other as sovereign
beings, regardless of how you may be expressing yourselves at any given
time, you start to feel freer to express yourselves and move beyond
judgment. You become more focused on your own individual paths, and yet
are completely willing to step forward in loving service if it is
required in times of crisis. You embrace the flow and intuitively step
forward or back in whatever ways are for everyone’s highest good. This
is the embodiment of becoming guides on earth.
Some
people claim solitude is what is necessary to move fully forward into
their truth and authenticity. Others claim that connection is what the
goal is. We would say depending on what your individual needs are at any
given point on your spiritual path, both are true.
Many people,
when they first start their awakening process, feel a deep need to
withdraw. This allows them the time to connect within, align with
Source, and to create a safe space for healing and transformation
to occur. Many people well on their spiritual journey frequently need
to move into solitude to recharge their batteries, to integrate
energies, and to nurture whatever their specific needs are at that time.
A great many empaths withdraw to learn how to gain mastery with
energetics so that connection without discomfort can become possible.
For many, once a period of solitude, growth, and healing has occurred,
there is an urge to step back out into the world and into relationship
with others that is deeper and more profound than ever before. They have
come to a place of acceptance and unconditional love from their
sabbatical and wish to start to practice that with others. They are
ready to take connection to the next level. And many will find a
combination of solitude and connection that works for them to create
balance in their lives.
Dear Ones, there is no right or wrong
when it comes to your spiritual path based on some specific model that
must be followed. There is a natural ebb and flow that occurs, all
designed to meet your individual soul’s needs. You are the expert on
your own unique path. Listen to what your soul is yearning for. Don’t
make yourself wrong based on what works for others, or what others say
you should be doing. If it doesn’t feel right for you, it’s not what you
need in that right now moment.
Allow yourself to be the expert
on you and know that if you are feeling drawn to something it is because
it is exactly what you require. Acceptance and respect for yourself and
for others, regardless of what phase they may be in, and acknowledging
the fact that
everyone is a master in their own right, is an important
aspect of the new energies, and essential to the pioneering and self
expression you are all moving into. Let your heart and your inner wisdom
lead the way because it’s all love.
“No man can reveal to you aught but that which already lies half asleep in the dawning of your knowledge.
The teacher who walks in the shadow of the temple, among his followers,
gives not of his wisdom but rather of his faith and his lovingness.
If he is indeed wise he does not bid you enter the house of his wisdom,
but rather leads you to the threshold of your own mind.” ― Khalil Gibran, The Prophet
Do not feel you are a victim of all the energetic change occurring.
Oh no. Remember you chose this and we say this to you with affection for
we understand how difficult it can be to remember that. It can be very
difficult as a human to experience such pain, such heartbreak, such
stripping away of all that you knew. It can be difficult to maintain
your understanding of the truth of what is going on. But choose to
remember. Remembering makes everything easier, makes everything faster.
You’re all very powerful intuitively, but you are all also afraid of
the level of intuitive power you have. It is not surprising for allowing
that level of intuition into your lives will cause energetic shifts in
your body. It will cause you to feel different. It will cause you to see
the world differently, but that is wonderful. It will make you more
whole.
"Remember that anyone and everyone can shift their consciousness in an instant. Think back to how you used to perceive the world/your reality, stuck in the victim perpetrator mindset, and let yourself remember your own evolution. For some of you it was gradual, for some of you it was instantaneous. For all of you the physical actualization of your shift is an ongoing process that currently seems to be playing out along a linear format of time. It's not really linear, of course, but it seems that way."
I know that you are tired, my love…..and sometimes you may become
disheartened with your Earth Plane existence. Please remember that you
are never alone. The Universe has an almost imperceptible way of moving
that will bring about the perfect changes at the perfect time. It may be
challenging for you to understand and even more so to accept, but know
that you are always lovingly cradled in My Arms and that all will be
well. ~ Creator / ThetaHealing by Jennifer Farley
"You were the one who left Yourself
You were the one who hurt You
You were the one who held a grudge against yourself the whole time
You were the one running from You.
This is the spiritual truth of the twin flame connection.
This is the perfect imperfection of the twin flame relationship."
- Cassady Cayne
I like to believe this is true, because it gives a different perspective on the run of the mill drama and trauma.
Relationships can be so difficult. Relating to people can be difficult.
Today, I felt like an alien whilst commuting on the rail replacement service from Morden to Stockwell.
I'm still thinking of him with the fondness I felt at the beginning, when we were BOTH into each other. Some of the resentment has washed away since last weekend, because I burned a stick that represented all the crap in my life I wanted to burn away for good.
Let's hope the decorated, shiny stick (which was also burnt) brings in much goodness.
But, in all honesty, I still miss him. I still pray that we will one day become functional friends, even if we can't become partners. Like grown up friends. Or else, it would be so miraculous for me to ask God if I can ask to transfer my affection and deep longing and connection with him for some other soul more willing to be a more conscious, courageous and authentic man.
I read another article, one that actually explained a lot about my own situation.
Most twin flames haven't even had sex with one another, because the bond is firstly on a soul fabric level, that high intensity of love isn't found in the sacral it is found in our pores, in the crown and in the heart.
It is pure, without all the facades we created in our human lives.
It takes a LOT of soul growth and HEALING for BOTH twins before they can sustain the sexual energy, and in my case, it didn't happen even though I felt so much love and sexual desire for him. I was too afraid to meet him. Now I know why.
What is interesting and something I now can admit without any ego, is that he recognised me first. He saw me first, recognised me and came to me first. I recognised him after two weeks, or a month or so. And then I remained steadfast in that recognition, whereas he swerved and found another to bring him the peace and love, the recognition (and sanity) that he desired.
And now, all I face is silence from him, and from my cousin, and from my former colleague.
Yet my mind is still loud and raucous with their voices, and with their words.
I pray we each of us heal from this really debilitating and disempowering disease of nostalgia and pining away for the past.
See, even as I write this and express the truth of my current emotional state, my left lower back is in pain in recognition of this disempowerment that needs healing.
If I am invisible and rejected when I no longer serve a purpose in these mens' lives, so be it.
I am still worthy as a creation of God. If they can't recognise my worth, it is because they are focussed on their own lives and their own wives, and that's okay.
I don't have those distractions in my own life.
There is a reason for that. It is easier to self correct, to grow and to purify when you are alone, when your needs are yet to be met.
When ones needs are met, the human being becomes slightly lazy and less dedicated in their quest for divine experiences.
Plus they are uncovering the core, bare bones of my rejection and abandonment wounds, and when I am strong enough, I shall place them in shamanic stones, paint them and own these wounds to help others, in my mesa cloth.
On a funnier note, I have been tempted every single time I had contacted him (or when he slipped up in May 207 and contacted me) to send him this image below, but I knew he wouldn't take it as lightheartedly as I wanted him to. It cracks me up that Muslims can be so hilarious. I wish I could make friends with them, but that's showing another wound relating to my inability to make or maintain friendships due to alien reasons :p
When you have indulged a lust, your wing drops off;
you become lame,
abandoned by a fantasy.
People fancy they are enjoying themselves,
but
they are really tearing out their wings for the sake of an illusion.
Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love, Where there is injury, pardon; Where there is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; And where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved, as to love. For it is in giving that we receive, It is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. ― St. Francis of Assisi
These are the late night random musings that refuse to make any sense... so I allow them to occur as they do.
"So
only just over a week to go!
I wanted to, once again, remind you that this is the time that you'll really
start to feel Serpent coming in. Keep in mind that she's already been checking
you out since you committed to the wheel and knows exactly what needs to be
worked on. She will dive as deep inside as she can, causing triggers in you.
The result of the trigger is not important, it's the emotion that was triggered
you need to look at. It's not about the story, it's about what it reflects back
at you. What is it telling you about you?
Be aware that people and situations from your past will reappear in your life,
even those you believed you had dealt with. Try to see if it is a pattern you
have repeated throughout your life, and how it connects with the wounds you
allocated to your stones.
Start to make your world smaller, focus primarily on yourself from this point
onwards. Those of you in relationships should have a chat with partners just to
make them aware. Start to give yourself the advice you normally give to others
when they need help. In fact stop giving advice to people unless it is in a
professional capacity. Serpents are quite solitary and you will need to be a
bit like her. All that matters is you and what is happening right in front of
you. Start to look at the world as a serpent. Use different senses to make
sense of the world around you. Remember that snakes have poor eyesight, but can
read the landscape with their tongue. Aho!"
*****
Oh my soul, how weary do you feel? Last month, you felt great, you were in Turkey, in the sea, the sun kissed your hair and you could feel your toes connect with the earth. You spoke to the people in their own language, and were free to greet them and touch your heart in solidarity.
And now, you re-hash all the old, ancient gripes and complaints about being human, in a human life.
You know you were created for much more than you currently understand.
Just move on from the human form, shed it like the skin that needs to be shed.
******
I am currently all over the place. I am currently dissolving. It is a good thing, but very unsightly at times. Uncomfortable. It has taken so long for me to write again. All is as it needs to be.
There is a part of me that is active, an ancient crone like avatar, who is finally gaining in strength. How does that translate into my daily life and behaviours? I swear less, I don't feel an impulsive need to become all fiery and angry every time someone disappoints me. Yet, it comes forth at certain times.
Because she understands, in the end, this all is nothing. This earth, as precious as it is in so many ways, it is just another facade, another planet, one of many she has inhabited. She connects with those other realms in her dream time, or when she listens to music from that dimension. For example, Moby.
Why do I love to travel? Because it takes you out of yourself. You literally are not grounded and once you ground, you have to grapple with things not being as they were a few hours ago.
The air smells different, your footsteps fall upon the sands in a different octave.
I had to walk all over the grass to take this photo :p
The energetic cords that tied you to people and places, all the really important things that were haunting your thoughts and dreams, they all just get severed. They do not matter, because they are no longer here and now.
Here and now are the bright twinkling lights of different towns you pass on a smooth motorway that puts those of the UK into question. You wake up to cows and goats bleating, and you wake up to a curt, yet true call to prayer.
The most sonorous adhaan I have found were in Najaf and in Kerbala.
You can pick grapes straight of the grape vine, and place them in your mouth. You swallow the seeds, and don't care if someone is watching!
You finally swim in the sea, and realise that it's not called swimming if you can't really swim! Also, you learn that salt water up your nose isn't much fun, neither does it taste so great in your mouth. The fates and circumstances of people who aren't really your people - suddenly become so precious to you, you pray for them that there is a massive influx of tourists.
You see an elderly limping gentleman selling simit, and pray that someone buys it at the pazaar. You realise you are free, and don't have to live in a country you thought would be best for you. There are other reasons I love to travel. These are the ones that spring to mind.
I was on a high for four days afterwards. Then I kind of lost that high. I am sure there are ways to sustain the energy longer. So looks like I'll be re-hashing all the wounds that I didn't heal, when I thought I had healed them. What an honour to be able to do so, to even be aware what this means. And it would be a blessing if it just feels like a third party experiencing it. First person dramas are no longer needed in my life, and it is okay to be firm about that.
If I don't make it through the rigour of the medicine wheel, South this weekend (har har), please always remember me like this: filled with light, joy, trust, and love. Remember there were days whereby I had dignity, and the Turkish guys at the bus depot helped me with my suitcase. This is my true core essence, even when me and most of the people on this planet can't see it yet. It is who everyone is, even though most days I can't see it. A real photographer would call this a highly exposed photograph. There is a reason why that person is a photographer and not a poet :p One final note I'd like to make: seven years ago, I assumed my life would never be the same, and I would fly after having healed a lot of gunk. Seven years on, I am in almost exactly the same place I was. Except now my room is a becoming banana yellow colour. So I wake up every morning inside a banana. So when people say your life will change and never be the same, I am open, and at the same time I am aware that my journey has a very unique and meandering look to it. I still have to forego experiences in order to cleanse. I still have to remain inside my house in order to feel like myself. I still grieve the people and things I lost in the fire. May we all heal our wounds and find clarity and truth as to why we are truly here on this planet at this time. May we connect with our purpose, instead of wasting more years feeling unfulfilled and underappreciated. I finally gave up being a light worker and twin flame last month. It isn't worth my time any longer. But the light is the light, and that is something inherited as a creature of the universe. It's about bringing together all the scattered parts to make a whole sensible coherent form. Or, maybe not so much....
The thing I miss the most about life is having people to talk to regularly, ones whom were on the same page as me. In the silence, we learn about communication with the one who created us. Stubborn people like me are therefore forced to be in the isolated state. Because in the silence, there is healing and there is wisdom and light transmitted.
This quotation is summing up what I am experiencing now.
"I don't care how many mantras you recite and for how many hours or
how many fire pujas you purge your sins into or how many jumping jack
kriyas you do or how fast you can do Breath of Fire or how many sound
healings you've been to or how often you pray or how much plant medicine
you do or how many holy temples you've set foot in--if you are not
doing inner work, you are spiritually bypassing. I have observed this in
so many people over the years going in and out of yoga studios
and healing centers--including myself. People who aren't dealing with
their shadows and traumas thinking that the crystal wand will make it
all disappear, are not really healing. They end up projecting their
unconscious wounds on other people or blaming demons/spirits and giving
their power away by constantly relying heavily on entities or gods or
other healers."
~ Mayari Riversong
I don't feel the need to expand upon this further.
I'm dedicated to doing the work now.
So I shift from self destructive, disempowering realities to one that really helps me be myself and happy.
And that means sitting in the mess for quite a while until you've cleared it all up. And not ceased.
Fall down twice, get up thrice. Even if it's after a year, get up.
This time, I know that I will only be able to survive this life by God's grace. Everything before now has been total illusion, and frankly, a huge waste of time, effort, energy...
Well, perhaps not entirely. At least, I can sit in public without having panic attacks. This wasn't the case a few months ago.
I am neither ego nor reason, I am neither mind nor thought,
I cannot be hard nor cast into words, nor by smell nor sight ever caught:
In light and wind I am not found, nor yet in earth and sky -
Consciousness and joy incarnate, Bliss of the Blissful am I.
I have no name, I have no life, I breathe no vital air,
No elements have moulded me, no bodily sheath is my lair:
I have no speech, no hands and feet, nor means of evolution -
Consciousness and joy am I, and Bliss in dissolution.
I cast aside hatred and passion, I conquered delusion and greed;
No touch of pride caressed me, so envy never did breed:
Beyond all faiths, past reach of wealth, past freedom, past desire,
Consciousness and joy am I, and Bliss is my attire.
Virtue and vice, or pleasure and pain are not my heritage,
Nor sacred texts, nor offerings, nor prayer, nor pilgrimage:
I am neither food, nor eating, nor yet the eater am I -
Consciousness and joy incarnate, Bliss of the Blissful am I.
I have no misgiving of death, no chasms of race divide me,
No parent ever called me child, no bond of birth ever tied me:
I am neither disciple nor master, I have no kin, no friend -
Consciousness and joy am I, and merging in Bliss is my end.
Neither knowable, knowledge, nor knower am I, formless is my form,
I dwell within the senses but they are not my home:
Ever serenely balanced, I am neither free nor bound -
Consciousness and joy am I, and Bliss is where I am found.
I developed an interesting theory today after having an interesting day: your gifts that are given to you, are then taken away from you, and in this there is inherent blessing. As you dig within to find your power and bring forth the embers from a zero point.
Yesterday, I woke up in the morning a bit more relaxed than I have been for quite some time. It is the result of doing the Lesser Banishment Ritual of The Pentagram by Aleister Crowley at night, and feeding my first and second munay-ki rite, because if I hadn't shifted some energy, I thought I would burst.
I settled into meditation and breathing, and almost immediately I felt the energy of my ex intuitively. Sometimes I hear his voice. For some reason, I keep thinking he, too, is going through some great tragedy and challenges as I am, only moreso because he is finally waking up for the first time (yes, I now see the seed of spiritual arrogance creeping in to beguile me, but it feels so real whilst we are in it. Who am I to have an opinion about anyone else's levels, when I drop so readily myself on daily basis?).
So, I asked myself, if you want to write to him, is that what your heart wants? The answer came yes. So, I did a really silly thing. I wrote to him. And I told him exactly why. It didn't feel silly at the time, because I could feel his auric field, and it was welcoming and soft. Loving, even. But in real life, this is the latest in a string of silly things I do when I read too many twin flame forecasts, which I had stopped doing, and then started again. They kept on banging on about how the portal was opening for reunion. I deluded myself into a sense of false hopes. Yet, I did what I had to do. I felt better for writing the email. I didn't check if he read it or responded.
And a few hours later, I asked myself, "why the HELL did you do that? You know how silly that was?" I gave myself a good talking to.
Yet, this story ends well. It is as though, having written to him, something very old, faded, torn, broken was released from me.
"You silly, it doesn't matter. He's not in your life. Where is the reality in all of this? Where is the power? It's not even as though you WANT to be with him, is it? SO THEN? Why do you write to him?" (Uncontrollable impulse). And all of this was done before breakfast.
A treasured friend then helped me do a healing for myself to clear some emotions. My heart was blocked, and it was grief over how many times I have been rejected by men. A past life pattern of never getting the guy. Let it all go. Feel so much better now. And today, some cord released from my spine, similar to an implant, and all that I did yesterday seems like a far away dream, something I did when I was younger. Not yesterday.
Usually I would feel shame and anger at myself, and I did feel a little bit, but now I know there are other things to focus on. My friend is a very powerful healer.
This reminded me that, whilst I've been avoiding the issues and looking to reflexology and EFT tapping to help me feel better, I realise that doing a proper body release of the emotion will benefit me more. More than even meditation perhaps.
So that's just what I am going to do now, to clear the patterns.
After my cousin did such a powerful healing for me using Reiki, I'm going to revisit the symbols and start healing myself and my environment with them.
This is the blessing.... my ego made me believe I was beyond the methods, until all my wisdom, knowledge and awareness have been muted.
So you go back to basics. Real basics. And never overstep the boundaries or the journey.
I told my counsellor that I didn't mention to him the fact I had romantic feelings for my married cousin. The reason was shame, and the ridiculousness that again I fell for a married man. For it is therefore not meant to be. So he asked me, why did you feel you could tell me now?
And that was because I had told myself in affirmation that it is okay to love someone and them not love you back. It is about you being a loving and demonstrative person, and finding a connection with that person. You validate your feelings and yourself. The other person's response is their own issue.
Especially since nothing will ever happen. And we wouldn't be compatible, my ego would constantly compete with him to be more gifted a healer. And because I wouldn't be more gifted than he is, or wiser and more knowledgeable than he is, I would feel frustrated. Best he remain a mentor. And hopefully a friend/brother.
So I realised that the moment you OWN your feelings and your darkness and the "shameful" aspects of your thoughts and behaviour, the sting goes away. There is no good or bad. It is as it is. You feel bindaas, free... the old matrix collapses in front of your eyes, you breathe easier, and you start to dance to Daddy Yankee again.
After seven years, it still feels like a brand new concept.
I'm a huge stand up comedy fan. Huge. It is necessary, since my own personality is more phlegmatic and melancholic.
Until recently, I limited myself to a few old favourites, such as Eddie Izzard, Michael McIntyre, Trevor Noah, Omid Djalili, Dara O'Brien, Russell Peters, Imran Yusuf, Tez Ilyas, Mo Jobrani, etc.
And then, YouTube recommended Indian stand up comics called Varun Thakur, Daniel Fernandes, and Kenny Sebastian. And, now I've discovered an entire new universe of stand up comedy, which clicks even more with me because of the desi accents, and talking about lotas, bros, chapatis, rikshawalas and bhen****s.
In a way, it also distracts me from what feels like another dark night of my soul. And mind.
When the ego dissolves, it truly just dissolves.
So, what I wanted to write about was Omid Djalili. I was in the library on Saturday, pretending to be productive on my laptop and avoiding the hordes of electronic music lovers who suddenly SWARMED Morden for their annual music festival (unbeknownst to myself and most of the aging population in Morden). My auric field needs major work, I almost felt like I was suffocating as I tried to bypass them. Need to flex my auric muscles for the time I get to Glasto.
As I was leaving the library, my eyes glanced upon his autobiography. My first thought was, dude, seriously, you're not that old to be writing an autobiography. My second thought was, this will be funny, maybe I'll be able to read and actually finish this one. The words look easy and manageable. And then I saw some Farsi words, and some Rumi quotations and I was hooked.
Image from www.lifeonaPost-It.com
It's funny to me how, I call him Omid in the English accent and didn't even stop to ask myself what his name actually meant! Linguistically, it's pronounced "oh-Mid". Obviously, in Farsi and other Eastern languages, it's pronounce "uh-meed" or "oh-med", which translates as hope or hopeful.
Lord knows, I can do with some of that at the moment, hence my addiction to stand up comedy routines at this time.
The best thing about Omid Djalili is his honesty and open heart. It comes across in his comedy shows, and it came across in his autobiography.
End of Chapter 2, to be precise.
"One day I ran up the stairs and knocked as usual, but was confused to find a strange older lady instead of Sarah's mother. 'I'm sorry, little chap, Sarah doesn't live here any more. She's gone away.' I felt a sharp, sad feeling in my throat and a lurching sensation in my stomach. For a brief, deluded moment I chose to assume 'away' meant an actual place. I asked when he was coming back. 'She's not coming back. They've moved.' Some important lessons were learned that day: 1) No one tells me anything 2) Girls could not be trusted 3) Life is unpredictable and full of unbearable shocks 4) A pink corduroy bean-bag is no substitute for a best friend 5) I'm going to have abandonment issues when I'm older "
From Hopeful, the autobiography by Omid Djalili
Omid was four or five years old at the time.
I just feel amazed that he was able to pinpoint his wounds (he sounds as though he's had some help from a counsellor to pinpoint the abandonment issues). Most of these issues resemble mine.
The fact I substituted "girls" with "boys", made me realise that actually, both can be equally trusted. Gender is not the issue here, our perceptions of reality are the issue. Our messed-upness, brokenness, perceived or valid, is the real issue. And once we know we can place our feet upon the earth and not feel scared, all is well.
But to get to that knowing, we each have a different path. Life happens, and unravels you sometimes back to square one. Especially in eclipse season.
Reading about someone else's innermost thoughts can be a huge relief, as it makes you understand you are not alone in feeling or thinking certain human things.
That's the same with counselling. I only have two sessions left. I still don't have the skills that it was meant to train mein , such as self reflection and asking me if things really are as bad as they seem, but it has been good in making me realise that it is okay to be a human and make mistakes. Even when I repeat them many times.
It is okay.
I have also made a realisation that I would make a rubbish counsellor or therapist, and so I let go of any expectations to become one. It is a huge relief.
Omid. Hope. Optimism.
Things can't remain this heavy for long. There's an entire universe to explore and experience.
Places like Colorado, and California and places in the UK that I still haven't been. Ireland.
Once I've somehow managed to heal myself and my heaviness, I'm doing all of it. Getting the funding and travelling.
You really cannot force things, and this is what I will learn. You
can't force family to be family. Friends to be friends. Lovers to be
lovers. Jobs to be jobs. Opportunities to become opportunities.
Understanding. Spiritual advancement.
You cannot force them. You
can release them to the winds, the beautiful, gentle, wise winds... as
everyone and everything is free.
None of this is needed when you
truly accept the Creator as your support, the earth as your mother, the
sky as your father, the stars as your siblings, the grasses as your
carpet, the animals as your friends.
I have been stuck in this
limbo for two months, not much use to myself nor to others. It pains my
heart when I am useless to others. And yet, I keep ensuring that I am.
The rivers cleanse me and then I feel better.
This eclipse is solely to release the impurities that we accumulated, even if we really think they are good.
We can open up to our kheera, and I wish for myself at least that I
understand that what is good for the soul will usually NOT be good for
my ego and my ego will feel fear and panic and kick up a fuss like a
trapped tiger.
When the people who used to respect you, stop respecting you in the name of their own peace of mind, it
is time to ask yourself why you have stopped respecting yourself. Why
you still feel as though you are worth less than what is your
birthright.
Understand that people are very psychic and pick up
on your limiting beliefs and energies and respond to them mostly, unless
they are more powerful than you are in spiritual purity, and can
sidestep it and bring in much love.
People think I don't know. I
went through a divorce 7 years ago and have only now felt as though I am
at peace and ready to move forward. And I only allowed myself crumbs of
a romance... the dredges that could be begrudgingly bestowed upon me.
But who cares if I understand, when I make a mistake, it blows up and
hurts me more than the other person, because I felt compelled to say
something helpful. It wasn't helpful.
Even when your soul is so
strong, you can still insist with God to make life easier. You can. We
don't need to finish off all our karma in one hit. Life is a blessing,
being on earth is a huge blessing, so let us enjoy it and allow
ourselves to see beyond our limited viewpoint of what we WANT.
There have been things in the past I saw clearly but I doubted myself
and butchered it all because the others didn't see it, or made me doubt
myself. And this is why I am no longer seeking to become a teacher, or a
counsellor. It is not for me.
I have always wished to sing
professionally, play musical instruments and dance. And all of these
things were kept away from me in the name of God, modesty and "no one
will marry you".
I remember being so obedient, I threw away my
recorder into a hedge when I was 9 years old, because I felt I would otherwise NOT be
pure and acceptable to God.
Interesting how this occurs. When
people ask me what I really want to do, I can't tell them this is what I
REALLY wish to do, because of fear of being ridiculed, judged.. and
also, I feel how on earth can I do this, and isn't it too late and x y
z...
Well, see, we all have dreams and desires that do not occur.
We set it up for ourselves to LEARN and if we don't learn, then we
repeat it in a louder tone.
I remember that Imam Ali (a.s.) has
said, "I do not know what to thank you more for: the blessing and
desired outcome that You bestowed upon me, or the desired thing You
insisted on keeping away from me. In both cases, You have deeply
honoured me." I have taken artistic license to paraphrase the words, and keeping the essence intact.
Just FYI.
As I told my probable twin flame, a real Sufi welcomes the thorns with as much enthusiasm as she does the rose, because they both are destined and from God. Everything that comes from God must be good, everything that has happened up until now has been good. We have the means to improve upon it, for sure, with awareness and with humility and gentle kindness.
But it takes a truly advanced and proper gangsta
soul to REALLY feel this in the gut, and the heart, and the cells, and the
eyes, and the ears, and the throat, and everywhere else.
I certainly am not that pure yet, so I must refrain from telling this to others.
Even though I can see, and I DO see.
Because this sight causes much pain to self, I chose to shut it down. It isn't pure, yet. there are many filters still there, blocking the truth of the truth.
There will be a way forward for us all. I will regain my eyesight fully
at some point, because it is very much needed for many different things!
I know, same as anyone, that you don't need to believe in or know
anything in order for it to still impact you. I didn't know about Venus
retrograde when I met my twin flame seven years ago, yet we met right
smack in the middle of a Venus retrograde and that is why things
unfolded as they did.
Utter ****.
We both tried so hard to love each other and to connect, to meet, and nothing worked. All we did was fight, and I would question myself afterwards, but I love him! So why would I just get so angry and fearful around him? Why does he keep not wanting me, running off, then coming back? And then there were secrets and lies and untruths, that I was not aware of. Until I got so tired, I just told him to go away. And then I couldn't let go, and my entire self collapsed. I didn't get a qualification I had worked so hard towards getting, and friends just bore my woes because I couldn't bear them alone.
The point is, whatever happened was helped along by the stars and planets, so both he and I could wake up and open our eyes a little bit, for a little while. To see we needed to heal ourselves. To get over ourselves.
Sometimes this knowledge allows
us to not judge ourselves and our lives so harshly, that something is
wrong with us or God has it out for us. As the twin flame told me a year ago, God is not a little kid with a magnifying glass out to get you, you have to TRUST him!
At the time, I said to him, yes, I trusted God and my intuition, that's why I wrote to you and confided in you. Well, look what happened. You just razed any last hopes of some sort of connection to the ground.
And now, I know that I will just match my core essence energy (not my current human state, which is not coping well) with the people I wish to surround myself with. It may mean moving somewhere where those people actually ARE. I have to be ready and prepared to go out adventuring and trusting that there will be the earth and the ground there to hold me. I would have seriously considered studying in Iraq or Iran in the hawza, after seeing the positive effects cloistoring oneself in a seminary has had on my three male cousins, but it is not the place for me.
It is not the ideal place for a woman who will not wear the veil because someone said it makes her more modest and pious (even if it does, which is not the case for me. For me, I feel suffocated).
They have shifted so much in a year, I can just see the luminous light emanate from them effortlessly. They don't even wish to hide it. They are confident and comfortable and have faith and ideas and articulate them with power. I may have reservations about Islamic governments, but if you find the correct hawza/seminary to learn REAL mysticism, magic occurs.
I will find my home, I am sure.
And sometimes, people such as
myself, will use this mystical and practical knowledge and make a noose out of it, happily place it around their necks, and pull the trigger as well. It happens a lot in many online communities. Because we forget that we still need to find real life schools and places of meeting where we can commune with God.
In my personal case, a 16/7 karma
doesn't have to remain so. Who said so? My mind said so. Well, my mind
needs a beach holiday!
AŞK: Yükür ağırdır, emek ister, çaba ister, sabır ister... Mesela,bir ömür sürgün ister.. Taşımak için iki yürekli insan ister
Translation:
LOVE: Its burden is heavy, it needs labour, It needs effort, it needs patience... For example, it needs an exile for a life time In order to carry it needs two great-hearted people.
My mentor is upset with me. It is not the first time that the people I ask for guidance feel upset with me.
It makes sense.
If you tell someone some easy steps to gain a stronger spiritual energy, and that soul remain stubborn and encompassed by ego, how can one not get annoyed?
You, as the more advanced being, see very clearly what needs to be done. You have been granted the gifts of the unseen, have seen some incredible things, may even know how the threads of the universe work, and you see potential in someone, or that person has asked for help, you give it and then they toss it to the ground in fear: you feel a bit worn and disappointed in your protege. To the point you are aware she is not ready, and so you let it be for now. After all, your time is so very precious.
"Do you meditate?"
"No, I was, and then I wasn't feeling well..."
"Just a simple yes or no is good enough. Do you meditate?"
I became all withdrawn and sullen.
"No."
He smiled: "Not at the moment"
"You complain and make excuses. I told you to write, and
you insisted on going back to your old blog, complaining and repeating
the behaviour of the past." He stopped to think. "Well, anyway, it's not
as though you are writing anyway. Never mind, let's just get the
healing done with."
"Your ego has taken over, it is very much there. You don't let go, you keep holding
onto things... so if you're so full of stuff, then God can't come
inside. He will still help you... but... You have to surrender"
I filled in the gaps: you won't get the experience you wish, because you didn't make space, you didn't surrender to God.
You know you have found the right teacher when they make you just the right amount of uncomfortable as they show to you ALL of your limitations just by one glance.
I couldn't speak after that. Apparently, my going for walk whilst listening to music cancels it out, because the body isn't getting the benefit when the mind is distracted. I got upset, not because he was right, but because I am sure somewhere in my last 7 years, I knew about mindfulness and now seems I have forgotten all the useful knowledge.
Instead, I am pining away for a life partner and unsure where to go in order to at least meet someone and make friends. It's never going to be about a fling, about getting it out of my system. The one thing I know about myself is I have to choose very wisely, someone who is willing to stay with me in spite of all of the discomfort and flaws and someone who truly is submitted and down to earth.
When I spoke to my mentor, the furious intense love for him suddenly appeared again in my heart. I didn't really ask for a healing. Speaking to him is usually healing in itself. I was craving his company, and I couldn't be honest about it to myself. After all of this time, loving someone so ferociously still seems like a huge crime due to religious and cultural conditioning. It is agape love, the highest form that usually gets mistaken for the more earthly defined forms.
For those few minutes, connecting with a soul mate half way across the world, makes my loneliness dissipate, makes me have hope that I will one day be able to travel once more to Canada and the US (for, in spite of all the darkness erupting there, there is ALWAYS light).
I hadn't seen him on video chat for at least a year. I didn't realise just how much I missed him until I saw his face smiling at me. I stared at him throughout, it was a similar feeling such as water in an oasis to a thirsty Soul who has travelled the desert for miles without recourse.
Sort of like a Shems - Rumi meeting, but obviously that has an entirely different level to it. Rumi as very willing.
And all I was doing was unable to open up to healing, defenses were up and the mystical, cryptic manner in which he gives his pearls of wisdom makes it so difficult for my mind to understand.
Anyway, the idea is simple... be happy, be grateful, meditate, wake up at dawn, write for ten minutes daily for 40 days and things may shift.
I am unsure how he knows this, but I know he is the real deal. A year ago, he may have had gaps in knowledge but in a year he has been in training and I haven't been. So he is more ahead of me and closer to God than a year ago, whereas I have no idea what my state is.
It is so useful to be away for a year, and focus only on study and contemplation. Qom and Iraq would never be right for me as a woman who is therefore forced to cover up in black and remain segregated throughout due to the presupposition that all we think about is sex, yet perhaps India or Turkey might bring me some relief.
I will open up to the Universe to take me away for a seclusion for a year to connect. Why not? it is another experience. Living in London, how can you do these things with ease? You have to go away somewhere. All of the teachers do in order to open up.
Choose to do fun things. I couldn't really say what fun thing I wanted to do in that moment.
It is okay.
The more we judge the sadness and negativity, the more it burgeons up sometimes. Because our ego is our unhealed inner child.
After all of this, I have realised that I will be choosing a slower union with God, a slower ascension in order to have a balanced life on this earthly plane.
I still haven't written that short story, the energy of creation has been at a low ebb for all that time.
I still haven't begun my new job due to subconscious blocking of it - the self destructive behaviours are still running, and it is hopefully going to shift.
"Once you take care of yourself, the other things take care of themselves..." My mentor has been strongly encouraging me to find someone and "have fun". Doesn't have to be a long term relationship, just someone decent to experience that very important part of my life that I haven't yet experienced. Relating to a man without being threatened by his masculinity. Relating to a man like he has a full range of emotions and experiences, just like I do.
But, where would I find such a man? I told my mentor I am not the type who goes on Tinder. He laughed.
The only man who came close this year was the nurse I met in hospital when I went with my aunt. And that meeting was literally three minutes, we both were smitten, he had to leave and I haven't met him since.
They say that you have to do a lot of work in preparation before you are i na place to be with the love of your life, or the lover for that time period.
But what if I arranged to remain single for this lifetime in order to become superly spiritual and amazing in that way, submissive and a powerful healer.
The thing I didn't realise is that, when I am single, I don't really feel that great and I don't feel like going out to help other people lead happy lives! I find my energy levels remain low when I am alone. People don't want to be around me, and I understand why!
Happiness is so key. It isn't found in a person, or an event. It is a frequency, just like beauty, just like clarity.
I watched an Abraham Hicks video today that spoke something similarly.
I have spent my life worrying about the state of the world, that my own life eked away into nothingness. I allowed my mother and my father's harsh and critical words chip away at my self worth, until I became so armoured I couldn't even recognise an ally when he came into my life.
I still blame my parents for not seeing me in a more positive light, but what does that do except allow them more power over me?
There are no more pedestals for teachers. We all are on equal playing fields. I am very much allowed to write how my current state is, even if it is heavy. Yet, that doesn't help the reader, does it?
So being single isn't conducive to my health, physical, mental, emotional, and definitely spiritual. Being desperate isn't conducive to anyone, either!
I have to let go. Of everything that isn't really true for me.
What is true for me is that, rather than looking to my mentor like a hungry woman in need of feeding, I have to ability to look within and find all those qualities within.
I find the truth in Rumi's sayings, but I have stopped living them in my own life.
As for this same old blog, with the same old circling material, I am unsure how to end it or progress forward with it.
It is a way for me to process my own stuff, and perhaps learn from it somehow. Maybe this one needs retiring. Divine timing means I will become the writer I wish to be when it is time.
The funny thing about my mentor is that the twin flame energy will burst forth when you need triggering. He reminds me so much of my ex, and it is good for this for my own growth.
Any desires I had to be with the twin (a lot of people keep saying the eclipses are going to bring truth to the forefront and no denying it, blah blah) has been dissipated after my interaction with the mentor. For it is interesting that I can't allow him to help me. That I became a bit sullen and withdrawn, when I don't wish to be. I wish to be as positive in mindset as he is.
And this is just a relative, a cousin, a soul mate, a teacher.
How on earth would I be able to cope with the real deal if I have not healed all I thought I had? Not really an option.
Well, I didn't meditate. But I did write.
Oh my Soul, let's change this to a lighter life. One whereby you actually remember what it feels like to have genuine fun, and you have it often! This continual spiral of ascension energies and tiring yourself out, it's no longer necessary. You don't have to prove you're more spiritual than anyone else. Because you aren't.
Practicality demands that you focus on finding a soul mate to live a good life with, so you can feel happy inside and spend quality time with a new loving male soul, unattached, without all the karmic sludge all previous relationships have had, and that means changing all the contracts and allowing the romantic karma to be healed in some other lifetime.
You are not strong enough, and this isn't working any longer.
"Learn to be Merciful to yourself..."
The minute you try to seek another person's approval, whether it be a mentor or a friend or a family member, or even a reader, you have given away all of your power once more and this will continue until you stop it.
So stop allowing it to happen.
This is probably going to be my last blog post on this blog for a while.
We shed the old and useless coping strategies and seek a purer way of being. I know how to write these things, but I am not incorporating them in my essence, my being. I am a husk. All that is false has been stripped away, and all of the hidden layers are now being shown so they can also be ripped away.
I thought I was doing okay on my spiritual journey, and my earthly journey, but I am not!
It is always a learning process. For me, I need to stop. And take stock. And take care of myself.
I can't go around with the mindset of saving or healing the world. It no longer is required, for everyone is waking up.
The divine masculine is now waking up, I am seeing it in my own family: my cousins, my father, my mentor, my friends and my counsellor.
