Hopeful

I'm a huge stand up comedy fan. Huge. It is necessary, since my own personality is more phlegmatic and melancholic.

Until recently, I limited myself to a few old favourites, such as Eddie Izzard, Michael McIntyre, Trevor Noah, Omid Djalili, Dara O'Brien, Russell Peters, Imran Yusuf, Tez Ilyas, Mo Jobrani, etc.

And then, YouTube recommended Indian stand up comics called Varun Thakur, Daniel Fernandes, and Kenny Sebastian. And, now I've discovered an entire new universe of stand up comedy, which clicks even more with me because of the desi accents, and talking about lotas, bros, chapatis, rikshawalas and bhen****s.

In a way, it also distracts me from what feels like another dark night of my soul. And mind.

When the ego dissolves, it truly just dissolves.

So, what I wanted to write about was Omid Djalili. I was in the library on Saturday, pretending to be productive on my laptop and avoiding the hordes of electronic music lovers who suddenly SWARMED Morden for their annual music festival (unbeknownst to myself and most of the aging population in Morden). My auric field needs major work, I almost felt like I was suffocating as I tried to bypass them. Need to flex my auric muscles for the time I get to Glasto.
 
As I was leaving the library, my eyes glanced upon his autobiography. My first thought was, dude, seriously, you're not that old to be writing an autobiography. My second thought was, this will be funny, maybe I'll be able to read and actually finish this one. The words look easy and manageable. And then I saw some Farsi words, and some Rumi quotations and I was hooked.

Image from www.lifeonaPost-It.com

It's funny to me how, I call him Omid in the English accent and didn't even stop to ask myself what his name actually meant! Linguistically, it's pronounced "oh-Mid". Obviously, in Farsi and other Eastern languages, it's pronounce "uh-meed" or "oh-med", which translates as hope or hopeful.

Lord knows, I can do with some of that at the moment, hence my addiction to stand up comedy routines at this time. 

The best thing about Omid Djalili is his honesty and open heart. It comes across in his comedy shows, and it came across in his autobiography.

End of Chapter 2, to be precise.

"One day I ran up the stairs and knocked as usual, but was confused to find a strange older lady instead of Sarah's mother.
'I'm sorry, little chap, Sarah doesn't live here any more. She's gone away.'
I felt a sharp, sad feeling in my throat and a lurching sensation in my stomach. For a brief, deluded moment I chose to assume 'away' meant an actual place. I asked when he was coming back.
'She's not coming back. They've moved.'
Some important lessons were learned that day:

1) No one tells me anything
2) Girls could not be trusted
3) Life is unpredictable and full of unbearable shocks
4) A pink corduroy bean-bag is no substitute for a best friend
5) I'm going to have abandonment issues when I'm older "

From Hopeful, the autobiography by Omid Djalili

Omid was four or five years old at the time.

I just feel amazed that he was able to pinpoint his wounds (he sounds as though he's had some help from a counsellor to pinpoint the abandonment issues). Most of these issues resemble mine.

The fact I substituted "girls" with "boys", made me realise that actually, both can be equally trusted. Gender is not the issue here, our perceptions of reality are the issue. Our messed-upness, brokenness, perceived or valid, is the real issue. And once we know we can place our feet upon the earth and not feel scared, all is well.

But to get to that knowing, we each have a different path. Life happens, and unravels you sometimes back to square one. Especially in eclipse season.

Reading about someone else's innermost thoughts can be a huge relief, as it makes you understand you are not alone in feeling or thinking certain human things.

That's the same with counselling. I only have two sessions left. I still don't have the skills that it was meant to train mein , such as self reflection and asking me if things really are as bad as they seem, but it has been good in making me realise that it is okay to be a human and make mistakes. Even when I repeat them many times.

It is okay.

I have also made a realisation that I would make a rubbish counsellor or therapist, and so I let go of any expectations to become one. It is a huge relief.

Omid. Hope. Optimism.

Things can't remain this heavy for long. There's an entire universe to explore and experience.

Places like Colorado, and California and places in the UK that I still haven't been. Ireland.

Once I've somehow managed to heal myself and my heaviness, I'm doing all of it. Getting the funding and travelling.

Hope.

Let's just end this blog post in hope.