My mentor is upset with me. It is not the first time that the people I ask for guidance feel upset with me.
It makes sense.
If you tell someone some easy steps to gain a stronger spiritual energy, and that soul remain stubborn and encompassed by ego, how can one not get annoyed?
You, as the more advanced being, see very clearly what needs to be done. You have been granted the gifts of the unseen, have seen some incredible things, may even know how the threads of the universe work, and you see potential in someone, or that person has asked for help, you give it and then they toss it to the ground in fear: you feel a bit worn and disappointed in your protege. To the point you are aware she is not ready, and so you let it be for now. After all, your time is so very precious.
"Do you meditate?"
"No, I was, and then I wasn't feeling well..."
"Just a simple yes or no is good enough. Do you meditate?"
I became all withdrawn and sullen.
"No."
He smiled: "Not at the moment"
"You complain and make excuses. I told you to write, and you insisted on going back to your old blog, complaining and repeating the behaviour of the past." He stopped to think. "Well, anyway, it's not as though you are writing anyway. Never mind, let's just get the healing done with."
"Your ego has taken over, it is very much there. You don't let go, you keep holding onto things... so if you're so full of stuff, then God can't come inside. He will still help you... but... You have to surrender"
I filled in the gaps: you won't get the experience you wish, because you didn't make space, you didn't surrender to God.
You know you have found the right teacher when they make you just the right amount of uncomfortable as they show to you ALL of your limitations just by one glance.
I couldn't speak after that. Apparently, my going for walk whilst listening to music cancels it out, because the body isn't getting the benefit when the mind is distracted. I got upset, not because he was right, but because I am sure somewhere in my last 7 years, I knew about mindfulness and now seems I have forgotten all the useful knowledge.
Instead, I am pining away for a life partner and unsure where to go in order to at least meet someone and make friends. It's never going to be about a fling, about getting it out of my system. The one thing I know about myself is I have to choose very wisely, someone who is willing to stay with me in spite of all of the discomfort and flaws and someone who truly is submitted and down to earth.
When I spoke to my mentor, the furious intense love for him suddenly appeared again in my heart. I didn't really ask for a healing. Speaking to him is usually healing in itself. I was craving his company, and I couldn't be honest about it to myself. After all of this time, loving someone so ferociously still seems like a huge crime due to religious and cultural conditioning. It is agape love, the highest form that usually gets mistaken for the more earthly defined forms.
For those few minutes, connecting with a soul mate half way across the world, makes my loneliness dissipate, makes me have hope that I will one day be able to travel once more to Canada and the US (for, in spite of all the darkness erupting there, there is ALWAYS light).
I hadn't seen him on video chat for at least a year. I didn't realise just how much I missed him until I saw his face smiling at me. I stared at him throughout, it was a similar feeling such as water in an oasis to a thirsty Soul who has travelled the desert for miles without recourse.
Sort of like a Shems - Rumi meeting, but obviously that has an entirely different level to it. Rumi as very willing.
And all I was doing was unable to open up to healing, defenses were up and the mystical, cryptic manner in which he gives his pearls of wisdom makes it so difficult for my mind to understand.
Anyway, the idea is simple... be happy, be grateful, meditate, wake up at dawn, write for ten minutes daily for 40 days and things may shift.
I am unsure how he knows this, but I know he is the real deal. A year ago, he may have had gaps in knowledge but in a year he has been in training and I haven't been. So he is more ahead of me and closer to God than a year ago, whereas I have no idea what my state is.
It is so useful to be away for a year, and focus only on study and contemplation. Qom and Iraq would never be right for me as a woman who is therefore forced to cover up in black and remain segregated throughout due to the presupposition that all we think about is sex, yet perhaps India or Turkey might bring me some relief.
I will open up to the Universe to take me away for a seclusion for a year to connect. Why not? it is another experience. Living in London, how can you do these things with ease? You have to go away somewhere. All of the teachers do in order to open up.
Choose to do fun things. I couldn't really say what fun thing I wanted to do in that moment.
It is okay.
The more we judge the sadness and negativity, the more it burgeons up sometimes. Because our ego is our unhealed inner child.
After all of this, I have realised that I will be choosing a slower union with God, a slower ascension in order to have a balanced life on this earthly plane.
I still haven't written that short story, the energy of creation has been at a low ebb for all that time.
I still haven't begun my new job due to subconscious blocking of it - the self destructive behaviours are still running, and it is hopefully going to shift.
"Once you take care of yourself, the other things take care of themselves..." My mentor has been strongly encouraging me to find someone and "have fun". Doesn't have to be a long term relationship, just someone decent to experience that very important part of my life that I haven't yet experienced. Relating to a man without being threatened by his masculinity. Relating to a man like he has a full range of emotions and experiences, just like I do.
But, where would I find such a man? I told my mentor I am not the type who goes on Tinder. He laughed.
The only man who came close this year was the nurse I met in hospital when I went with my aunt. And that meeting was literally three minutes, we both were smitten, he had to leave and I haven't met him since.
They say that you have to do a lot of work in preparation before you are i na place to be with the love of your life, or the lover for that time period.
But what if I arranged to remain single for this lifetime in order to become superly spiritual and amazing in that way, submissive and a powerful healer.
The thing I didn't realise is that, when I am single, I don't really feel that great and I don't feel like going out to help other people lead happy lives! I find my energy levels remain low when I am alone. People don't want to be around me, and I understand why!
Happiness is so key. It isn't found in a person, or an event. It is a frequency, just like beauty, just like clarity.
I watched an Abraham Hicks video today that spoke something similarly.
I have spent my life worrying about the state of the world, that my own life eked away into nothingness. I allowed my mother and my father's harsh and critical words chip away at my self worth, until I became so armoured I couldn't even recognise an ally when he came into my life.
I still blame my parents for not seeing me in a more positive light, but what does that do except allow them more power over me?
There are no more pedestals for teachers. We all are on equal playing fields. I am very much allowed to write how my current state is, even if it is heavy. Yet, that doesn't help the reader, does it?
So being single isn't conducive to my health, physical, mental, emotional, and definitely spiritual. Being desperate isn't conducive to anyone, either!
I have to let go. Of everything that isn't really true for me.
What is true for me is that, rather than looking to my mentor like a hungry woman in need of feeding, I have to ability to look within and find all those qualities within.
I find the truth in Rumi's sayings, but I have stopped living them in my own life.
As for this same old blog, with the same old circling material, I am unsure how to end it or progress forward with it.
It is a way for me to process my own stuff, and perhaps learn from it somehow. Maybe this one needs retiring. Divine timing means I will become the writer I wish to be when it is time.
The funny thing about my mentor is that the twin flame energy will burst forth when you need triggering. He reminds me so much of my ex, and it is good for this for my own growth.
Any desires I had to be with the twin (a lot of people keep saying the eclipses are going to bring truth to the forefront and no denying it, blah blah) has been dissipated after my interaction with the mentor. For it is interesting that I can't allow him to help me. That I became a bit sullen and withdrawn, when I don't wish to be. I wish to be as positive in mindset as he is.
And this is just a relative, a cousin, a soul mate, a teacher.
How on earth would I be able to cope with the real deal if I have not healed all I thought I had? Not really an option.
Well, I didn't meditate. But I did write.
Oh my Soul, let's change this to a lighter life. One whereby you actually remember what it feels like to have genuine fun, and you have it often! This continual spiral of ascension energies and tiring yourself out, it's no longer necessary. You don't have to prove you're more spiritual than anyone else. Because you aren't.
Practicality demands that you focus on finding a soul mate to live a good life with, so you can feel happy inside and spend quality time with a new loving male soul, unattached, without all the karmic sludge all previous relationships have had, and that means changing all the contracts and allowing the romantic karma to be healed in some other lifetime.
You are not strong enough, and this isn't working any longer.
"Learn to be Merciful to yourself..."
The minute you try to seek another person's approval, whether it be a mentor or a friend or a family member, or even a reader, you have given away all of your power once more and this will continue until you stop it.
So stop allowing it to happen.
This is probably going to be my last blog post on this blog for a while.
We shed the old and useless coping strategies and seek a purer way of being. I know how to write these things, but I am not incorporating them in my essence, my being. I am a husk. All that is false has been stripped away, and all of the hidden layers are now being shown so they can also be ripped away.
I thought I was doing okay on my spiritual journey, and my earthly journey, but I am not!
It is always a learning process. For me, I need to stop. And take stock. And take care of myself.
I can't go around with the mindset of saving or healing the world. It no longer is required, for everyone is waking up.
The divine masculine is now waking up, I am seeing it in my own family: my cousins, my father, my mentor, my friends and my counsellor.
No more feminine sacrifices needed or desired.
It makes sense.
If you tell someone some easy steps to gain a stronger spiritual energy, and that soul remain stubborn and encompassed by ego, how can one not get annoyed?
You, as the more advanced being, see very clearly what needs to be done. You have been granted the gifts of the unseen, have seen some incredible things, may even know how the threads of the universe work, and you see potential in someone, or that person has asked for help, you give it and then they toss it to the ground in fear: you feel a bit worn and disappointed in your protege. To the point you are aware she is not ready, and so you let it be for now. After all, your time is so very precious.
"Do you meditate?"
"No, I was, and then I wasn't feeling well..."
"Just a simple yes or no is good enough. Do you meditate?"
I became all withdrawn and sullen.
"No."
He smiled: "Not at the moment"
"You complain and make excuses. I told you to write, and you insisted on going back to your old blog, complaining and repeating the behaviour of the past." He stopped to think. "Well, anyway, it's not as though you are writing anyway. Never mind, let's just get the healing done with."
"Your ego has taken over, it is very much there. You don't let go, you keep holding onto things... so if you're so full of stuff, then God can't come inside. He will still help you... but... You have to surrender"
I filled in the gaps: you won't get the experience you wish, because you didn't make space, you didn't surrender to God.
You know you have found the right teacher when they make you just the right amount of uncomfortable as they show to you ALL of your limitations just by one glance.
I couldn't speak after that. Apparently, my going for walk whilst listening to music cancels it out, because the body isn't getting the benefit when the mind is distracted. I got upset, not because he was right, but because I am sure somewhere in my last 7 years, I knew about mindfulness and now seems I have forgotten all the useful knowledge.
Instead, I am pining away for a life partner and unsure where to go in order to at least meet someone and make friends. It's never going to be about a fling, about getting it out of my system. The one thing I know about myself is I have to choose very wisely, someone who is willing to stay with me in spite of all of the discomfort and flaws and someone who truly is submitted and down to earth.
When I spoke to my mentor, the furious intense love for him suddenly appeared again in my heart. I didn't really ask for a healing. Speaking to him is usually healing in itself. I was craving his company, and I couldn't be honest about it to myself. After all of this time, loving someone so ferociously still seems like a huge crime due to religious and cultural conditioning. It is agape love, the highest form that usually gets mistaken for the more earthly defined forms.
For those few minutes, connecting with a soul mate half way across the world, makes my loneliness dissipate, makes me have hope that I will one day be able to travel once more to Canada and the US (for, in spite of all the darkness erupting there, there is ALWAYS light).
I hadn't seen him on video chat for at least a year. I didn't realise just how much I missed him until I saw his face smiling at me. I stared at him throughout, it was a similar feeling such as water in an oasis to a thirsty Soul who has travelled the desert for miles without recourse.
Sort of like a Shems - Rumi meeting, but obviously that has an entirely different level to it. Rumi as very willing.
And all I was doing was unable to open up to healing, defenses were up and the mystical, cryptic manner in which he gives his pearls of wisdom makes it so difficult for my mind to understand.
Anyway, the idea is simple... be happy, be grateful, meditate, wake up at dawn, write for ten minutes daily for 40 days and things may shift.
I am unsure how he knows this, but I know he is the real deal. A year ago, he may have had gaps in knowledge but in a year he has been in training and I haven't been. So he is more ahead of me and closer to God than a year ago, whereas I have no idea what my state is.
It is so useful to be away for a year, and focus only on study and contemplation. Qom and Iraq would never be right for me as a woman who is therefore forced to cover up in black and remain segregated throughout due to the presupposition that all we think about is sex, yet perhaps India or Turkey might bring me some relief.
I will open up to the Universe to take me away for a seclusion for a year to connect. Why not? it is another experience. Living in London, how can you do these things with ease? You have to go away somewhere. All of the teachers do in order to open up.
Choose to do fun things. I couldn't really say what fun thing I wanted to do in that moment.
It is okay.
The more we judge the sadness and negativity, the more it burgeons up sometimes. Because our ego is our unhealed inner child.
After all of this, I have realised that I will be choosing a slower union with God, a slower ascension in order to have a balanced life on this earthly plane.
I still haven't written that short story, the energy of creation has been at a low ebb for all that time.
I still haven't begun my new job due to subconscious blocking of it - the self destructive behaviours are still running, and it is hopefully going to shift.
"Once you take care of yourself, the other things take care of themselves..." My mentor has been strongly encouraging me to find someone and "have fun". Doesn't have to be a long term relationship, just someone decent to experience that very important part of my life that I haven't yet experienced. Relating to a man without being threatened by his masculinity. Relating to a man like he has a full range of emotions and experiences, just like I do.
But, where would I find such a man? I told my mentor I am not the type who goes on Tinder. He laughed.
The only man who came close this year was the nurse I met in hospital when I went with my aunt. And that meeting was literally three minutes, we both were smitten, he had to leave and I haven't met him since.
They say that you have to do a lot of work in preparation before you are i na place to be with the love of your life, or the lover for that time period.
But what if I arranged to remain single for this lifetime in order to become superly spiritual and amazing in that way, submissive and a powerful healer.
The thing I didn't realise is that, when I am single, I don't really feel that great and I don't feel like going out to help other people lead happy lives! I find my energy levels remain low when I am alone. People don't want to be around me, and I understand why!
Happiness is so key. It isn't found in a person, or an event. It is a frequency, just like beauty, just like clarity.
I watched an Abraham Hicks video today that spoke something similarly.
I have spent my life worrying about the state of the world, that my own life eked away into nothingness. I allowed my mother and my father's harsh and critical words chip away at my self worth, until I became so armoured I couldn't even recognise an ally when he came into my life.
I still blame my parents for not seeing me in a more positive light, but what does that do except allow them more power over me?
There are no more pedestals for teachers. We all are on equal playing fields. I am very much allowed to write how my current state is, even if it is heavy. Yet, that doesn't help the reader, does it?
So being single isn't conducive to my health, physical, mental, emotional, and definitely spiritual. Being desperate isn't conducive to anyone, either!
I have to let go. Of everything that isn't really true for me.
What is true for me is that, rather than looking to my mentor like a hungry woman in need of feeding, I have to ability to look within and find all those qualities within.
I find the truth in Rumi's sayings, but I have stopped living them in my own life.
As for this same old blog, with the same old circling material, I am unsure how to end it or progress forward with it.
It is a way for me to process my own stuff, and perhaps learn from it somehow. Maybe this one needs retiring. Divine timing means I will become the writer I wish to be when it is time.
The funny thing about my mentor is that the twin flame energy will burst forth when you need triggering. He reminds me so much of my ex, and it is good for this for my own growth.
Any desires I had to be with the twin (a lot of people keep saying the eclipses are going to bring truth to the forefront and no denying it, blah blah) has been dissipated after my interaction with the mentor. For it is interesting that I can't allow him to help me. That I became a bit sullen and withdrawn, when I don't wish to be. I wish to be as positive in mindset as he is.
And this is just a relative, a cousin, a soul mate, a teacher.
How on earth would I be able to cope with the real deal if I have not healed all I thought I had? Not really an option.
Well, I didn't meditate. But I did write.
Oh my Soul, let's change this to a lighter life. One whereby you actually remember what it feels like to have genuine fun, and you have it often! This continual spiral of ascension energies and tiring yourself out, it's no longer necessary. You don't have to prove you're more spiritual than anyone else. Because you aren't.
Practicality demands that you focus on finding a soul mate to live a good life with, so you can feel happy inside and spend quality time with a new loving male soul, unattached, without all the karmic sludge all previous relationships have had, and that means changing all the contracts and allowing the romantic karma to be healed in some other lifetime.
You are not strong enough, and this isn't working any longer.
"Learn to be Merciful to yourself..."
The minute you try to seek another person's approval, whether it be a mentor or a friend or a family member, or even a reader, you have given away all of your power once more and this will continue until you stop it.
So stop allowing it to happen.
This is probably going to be my last blog post on this blog for a while.
We shed the old and useless coping strategies and seek a purer way of being. I know how to write these things, but I am not incorporating them in my essence, my being. I am a husk. All that is false has been stripped away, and all of the hidden layers are now being shown so they can also be ripped away.
I thought I was doing okay on my spiritual journey, and my earthly journey, but I am not!
It is always a learning process. For me, I need to stop. And take stock. And take care of myself.
I can't go around with the mindset of saving or healing the world. It no longer is required, for everyone is waking up.
The divine masculine is now waking up, I am seeing it in my own family: my cousins, my father, my mentor, my friends and my counsellor.
No more feminine sacrifices needed or desired.
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