such stripping away of all that you knew

Do not feel you are a victim of all the energetic change occurring. Oh no. Remember you chose this and we say this to you with affection for we understand how difficult it can be to remember that. It can be very difficult as a human to experience such pain, such heartbreak, such stripping away of all that you knew. It can be difficult to maintain your understanding of the truth of what is going on. But choose to remember. Remembering makes everything easier, makes everything faster.

You’re all very powerful intuitively, but you are all also afraid of the level of intuitive power you have. It is not surprising for allowing that level of intuition into your lives will cause energetic shifts in your body. It will cause you to feel different. It will cause you to see the world differently, but that is wonderful. It will make you more whole.

~~Zachary through Lee Harris, from Personal Power

everyone can shift their consciousness in an instant

"Remember that anyone and everyone can shift their consciousness in an instant. Think back to how you used to perceive the world/your reality, stuck in the victim perpetrator mindset, and let yourself remember your own evolution. For some of you it was gradual, for some of you it was instantaneous. For all of you the physical actualization of your shift is an ongoing process that currently seems to be playing out along a linear format of time. It's not really linear, of course, but it seems that way." 

The Pleiadians #operatefromjoy

Nora Herold

I know that you are tired, my love

I know that you are tired, my love…..and sometimes you may become disheartened with your Earth Plane existence. Please remember that you are never alone. The Universe has an almost imperceptible way of moving that will bring about the perfect changes at the perfect time. It may be challenging for you to understand and even more so to accept, but know that you are always lovingly cradled in My Arms and that all will be well.
~ Creator / ThetaHealing by Jennifer Farley

You were the one who left Yourself

"You were the one who left Yourself
You were the one who hurt You
You were the one who held a grudge against yourself the whole time
You were the one running from You.
This is the spiritual truth of the twin flame connection.
This is the perfect imperfection of the twin flame relationship."
- Cassady Cayne

http://www.twinflames1111.com/blog/twin-flame-essentials/mastering-twin-flame-journey/ 



I like to believe this is true, because it gives a different perspective on the run of the mill drama and trauma.

Relationships can be so difficult. Relating to people can be difficult.

Today, I felt like an alien whilst commuting on the rail replacement service from Morden to Stockwell.

I'm still thinking of him with the fondness I felt at the beginning, when we were BOTH into each other. Some of the resentment has washed away since last weekend, because I burned a stick that represented all the crap in my life I wanted to burn away for good.

Let's hope the decorated, shiny stick (which was also burnt) brings in much goodness.

But, in all honesty, I still miss him. I still pray that we will one day become functional friends, even if we can't become partners. Like grown up friends. Or else, it would be so miraculous for me to ask God if I can ask to transfer my affection and deep longing and connection with him for some other soul more willing to be a more conscious, courageous and authentic man.

I read another article, one that actually explained a lot about my own situation.

https://gangstagoddesses.com/twin-flame-is-in-a-romantic-relationship-with-someone-else-is-it-over/

Most twin flames haven't even had sex with one another, because the bond is firstly on a soul fabric level, that high intensity of love isn't found in the sacral it is found in our pores, in the crown and in the heart.

It is pure, without all the facades we created in our human lives.

It takes a LOT of soul growth and HEALING for BOTH twins before they can sustain the sexual energy, and in my case, it didn't happen even though I felt so much love and sexual desire for him. I was too afraid to meet him. Now I know why.

What is interesting and something I now can admit without any ego, is that he recognised me first. He saw me first, recognised me and came to me first. I recognised him after two weeks, or a month or so. And then I remained steadfast in that recognition, whereas he swerved and found another to bring him the peace and love, the recognition (and sanity) that he desired.

And now, all I face is silence from him, and from my cousin, and from my former colleague.

Yet my mind is still loud and raucous with their voices, and with their words.

I pray we each of us heal from this really debilitating and disempowering disease of nostalgia and pining away for the past.

See, even as I write this and express the truth of my current emotional state, my left lower back is in pain in recognition of this disempowerment that needs healing.

If I am invisible and rejected when I no longer serve a purpose in these mens' lives, so be it.

I am still worthy as a creation of God. If they can't recognise my worth, it is because they are focussed on their own lives and their own wives, and that's okay.

I don't have those distractions in my own life.

There is a reason for that. It is easier to self correct, to grow and to purify when you are alone, when your needs are yet to be met.

When ones needs are met, the human being becomes slightly lazy and less dedicated in their quest for divine experiences.

Plus they are uncovering the core, bare bones of my rejection and abandonment wounds, and when I am strong enough, I shall place them in shamanic stones, paint them and own these wounds to help others, in my mesa cloth.

On a funnier note, I have been tempted every single time I had contacted him (or when he slipped up in May 207 and contacted me) to send him this image below, but I knew he wouldn't take it as lightheartedly as I wanted him to. It cracks me up that Muslims can be so hilarious. I wish I could make friends with them, but that's showing another wound relating to my inability to make or maintain friendships due to alien reasons :p

your wings drop off

When you have indulged a lust, your wing drops off;
you become lame, abandoned by a fantasy.
People fancy they are enjoying themselves,
but they are really tearing out their wings for the sake of an illusion.

- Jalaluddin Rumi

it is in dying that we are born

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
― St. Francis of Assisi

Stepping onto the Shamanic Medicine Wheel

These are the late night random musings that refuse to make any sense... so I allow them to occur as they do.

"So only just over a week to go! 

I wanted to, once again, remind you that this is the time that you'll really start to feel Serpent coming in. Keep in mind that she's already been checking you out since you committed to the wheel and knows exactly what needs to be worked on. She will dive as deep inside as she can, causing triggers in you. The result of the trigger is not important, it's the emotion that was triggered you need to look at. It's not about the story, it's about what it reflects back at you. What is it telling you about you?
Be aware that people and situations from your past will reappear in your life, even those you believed you had dealt with. Try to see if it is a pattern you have repeated throughout your life, and how it connects with the wounds you allocated to your stones.

Start to make your world smaller, focus primarily on yourself from this point onwards. Those of you in relationships should have a chat with partners just to make them aware. Start to give yourself the advice you normally give to others when they need help. In fact stop giving advice to people unless it is in a professional capacity. Serpents are quite solitary and you will need to be a bit like her. All that matters is you and what is happening right in front of you. Start to look at the world as a serpent. Use different senses to make sense of the world around you. Remember that snakes have poor eyesight, but can read the landscape with their tongue. Aho!" 


*****


Oh my soul, how weary do you feel? Last month, you felt great, you were in Turkey, in the sea, the sun kissed your hair and you could feel your toes connect with the earth. You spoke to the people in their own language, and were free to greet them and touch your heart in solidarity.


And now, you re-hash all the old, ancient gripes and complaints about being human, in a human life.


You know you were created for much more than you currently understand.

Just move on from the human form, shed it like the skin that needs to be shed. 

******

I am currently all over the place. I am currently dissolving. It is a good thing, but very unsightly at times. Uncomfortable. It has taken so long for me to write again. All is as it needs to be.

There is a part of me that is active, an ancient crone like avatar, who is finally gaining in strength. How does that translate into my daily life and behaviours? I swear less, I don't feel an impulsive need to become all fiery and angry every time someone disappoints me. Yet, it comes forth at certain times. 

Because she understands, in the end, this all is nothing. This earth, as precious as it is in so many ways, it is just another facade, another planet, one of many she has inhabited. She connects with those other realms in her dream time, or when she listens to music from  that dimension. For example, Moby.

https://soundcloud.com/moby/sets/long-ambients1-calm-sleep

Why do I love to travel? Because it takes you out of yourself. You literally are not grounded and once you ground, you have to grapple with things not being as they were a few hours ago.

The air smells different, your footsteps fall upon the sands in a different octave.

I had to walk all over the grass to take this photo :p

The energetic cords that tied you to people and places, all the really important things that were haunting your thoughts and dreams, they all just get severed. They do not matter, because they are no longer here and now.


Here and now are the bright twinkling lights of different towns you pass on a smooth motorway that puts those of the UK into question. You wake up to cows and goats bleating, and you wake up to a curt, yet true call to prayer.


The most sonorous adhaan I have found were in Najaf and in Kerbala.


You can pick grapes straight of the grape vine, and place them in your mouth. You swallow the seeds, and don't care if someone is watching! 

You finally swim in the sea, and realise that it's not called swimming if you can't really swim! Also, you learn that salt water up your nose isn't much fun, neither does it taste so great in your mouth.  

The fates and circumstances of people who aren't really your people - suddenly become so precious to you, you pray for them that there is a massive influx of tourists.

You see an elderly limping gentleman selling simit, and pray that someone buys it at the pazaar.

You realise you are free, and don't have to live in a country you thought would be best for you. 

There are other reasons I love to travel. These are the ones that spring to mind.

I was on a high for four days afterwards. Then I kind of lost that high. I am sure there are ways to sustain the energy longer.

So looks like I'll be re-hashing all the wounds that I didn't heal, when I thought I had healed them.

What an honour to be able to do so, to even be aware what this means. And it would be a blessing if it just feels like a third party experiencing it.

First person dramas are no longer needed in my life, and it is okay to be firm about that.

If I don't make it through the rigour of the medicine wheel, South this weekend (har har), please always remember me like this: filled with light, joy, trust, and love. Remember there were days whereby I had dignity, and the Turkish guys at the bus depot helped me with my suitcase.

This is my true core essence, even when me and most of the people on this planet can't see it yet.

It is who everyone is, even though most days I can't see it. 

A real photographer would call this a highly exposed photograph. There is a reason why that person is a photographer and not a poet :p

One final note I'd like to make: seven years ago, I assumed my life would never be the same, and I would fly after having healed a lot of gunk. Seven years on, I am in almost exactly the same place I was. Except now my room is a becoming banana yellow colour. So I wake up every morning inside a banana.

So when people say your life will change and never be the same, I am open, and at the same time I am aware that my journey has a very unique and meandering look to it.

I still have to forego experiences in order to cleanse. 

I still have to remain inside my house in order to feel like myself.

I still grieve the people and things I lost in the fire.

May we all heal our wounds and find clarity and truth as to why we are truly here on this planet at this time. May we connect with our purpose, instead of wasting more years feeling unfulfilled and underappreciated.

I finally gave up being a light worker and twin flame last month. It isn't worth my time any longer.

But the light is the light, and that is something inherited as a creature of the universe.

It's about bringing together all the scattered parts to make a whole sensible coherent form.

Or, maybe not so much....

The thing I miss the most about life is having people to talk to regularly, ones whom were on the same page as me. 

In the silence, we learn about communication with the one who created us. Stubborn people like me are therefore forced to be in the isolated state. 

Because in the silence, there is healing and there is wisdom and light transmitted.

"...not really healing"

This quotation is summing up what I am experiencing now.

"I don't care how many mantras you recite and for how many hours or how many fire pujas you purge your sins into or how many jumping jack kriyas you do or how fast you can do Breath of Fire or how many sound healings you've been to or how often you pray or how much plant medicine you do or how many holy temples you've set foot in--if you are not doing inner work, you are spiritually bypassing. I have observed this in so many people over the years going in and out of yoga studios and healing centers--including myself. People who aren't dealing with their shadows and traumas thinking that the crystal wand will make it all disappear, are not really healing. They end up projecting their unconscious wounds on other people or blaming demons/spirits and giving their power away by constantly relying heavily on entities or gods or other healers."

~ Mayari Riversong

I don't feel the need to expand upon this further.

I'm dedicated to doing the work now.

So I shift from self destructive, disempowering realities to one that really helps me be myself and happy.

And that means sitting in the mess for quite a while until you've cleared it all up. And not ceased.

Fall down twice, get up thrice. Even if it's after a year, get up.

This time, I know that I will only be able to survive this life by God's grace. Everything before now has been total illusion, and frankly, a huge waste of time, effort, energy...

Well, perhaps not entirely. At least, I can sit in public without having panic attacks. This wasn't the case a few months ago.

Song of the Soul

I am neither ego nor reason, I am neither mind nor thought,
I cannot be hard nor cast into words, nor by smell nor sight ever caught:
In light and wind I am not found, nor yet in earth and sky -
Consciousness and joy incarnate, Bliss of the Blissful am I.

I have no name, I have no life, I breathe no vital air,
No elements have moulded me, no bodily sheath is my lair:
I have no speech, no hands and feet, nor means of evolution -
Consciousness and joy am I, and Bliss in dissolution.

I cast aside hatred and passion, I conquered delusion and greed;
No touch of pride caressed me, so envy never did breed:
Beyond all faiths, past reach of wealth, past freedom, past desire,
Consciousness and joy am I, and Bliss is my attire.

Virtue and vice, or pleasure and pain are not my heritage,
Nor sacred texts, nor offerings, nor prayer, nor pilgrimage:
I am neither food, nor eating, nor yet the eater am I -
Consciousness and joy incarnate, Bliss of the Blissful am I.

I have no misgiving of death, no chasms of race divide me,
No parent ever called me child, no bond of birth ever tied me:
I am neither disciple nor master, I have no kin, no friend -
Consciousness and joy am I, and merging in Bliss is my end.

Neither knowable, knowledge, nor knower am I, formless is my form,
I dwell within the senses but they are not my home:
Ever serenely balanced, I am neither free nor bound -
Consciousness and joy am I, and Bliss is where I am found.

Sung by Sankaracharya in his Atma Satkam.

in this there is inherent blessing

I developed an interesting theory today after having an interesting day: your gifts that are given to you, are then taken away from you, and in this there is inherent blessing. As you dig within to find your power and bring forth the embers from a zero point.

Yesterday, I woke up in the morning a bit more relaxed than I have been for quite some time. It is the result of doing the Lesser Banishment Ritual of The Pentagram by Aleister Crowley at night, and feeding my first and second munay-ki rite, because if I hadn't shifted some energy, I thought I would burst.

I settled into meditation and breathing, and almost immediately I felt the energy of my ex intuitively. Sometimes I hear his voice. For some reason, I keep thinking he, too, is going through some great tragedy and challenges as I am, only moreso because he is finally waking up for the first time (yes, I now see the seed of spiritual arrogance creeping in to beguile me, but it feels so real whilst we are in it. Who am I to have an opinion about anyone else's levels, when I drop so readily myself on daily basis?).

So, I asked myself, if you want to write to him, is that what your heart wants? The answer came yes. So, I did a really silly thing. I wrote to him. And I told him exactly why. It didn't feel silly at the time, because I could feel his auric field, and it was welcoming and soft. Loving, even. But in real life, this is the latest in a string of silly things I do when I read too many twin flame forecasts, which I had stopped doing, and then started again. They kept on banging on about how the portal was opening for reunion. I deluded myself into a sense of false hopes. Yet, I did what I had to do. I felt better for writing the email. I didn't check if he read it or responded.

And a few hours later, I asked myself, "why the HELL did you do that? You know how silly that was?" I gave myself a good talking to.

Yet, this story ends well. It is as though, having written to him, something very old, faded, torn, broken was released from me.

"You silly, it doesn't matter. He's not in your life. Where is the reality in all of this? Where is the power? It's not even as though you WANT to be with him, is it? SO THEN? Why do you write to him?" (Uncontrollable impulse). And all of this was done before breakfast.

A treasured friend then helped me do a healing for myself to clear some emotions. My heart was blocked, and it was grief over how many times I have been rejected by men. A past life pattern of never getting the guy. Let it all go. Feel so much better now. And today, some cord released from my spine, similar to an implant, and all that I did yesterday seems like a far away dream, something I did when I was younger. Not yesterday.

Usually I would feel shame and anger at myself, and I did feel a little bit, but now I know there are other things to focus on. My friend is a very powerful healer.

This reminded me that, whilst I've been avoiding the issues and looking to reflexology and EFT tapping to help me feel better, I realise that doing a proper body release of the emotion will benefit me more. More than even meditation perhaps.

So that's just what I am going to do now, to clear the patterns.

After my cousin did such a powerful healing for me using Reiki, I'm going to revisit the symbols and start healing myself and my environment with them.

This is the blessing.... my ego made me believe I was beyond the methods, until all my wisdom, knowledge and awareness have been muted.

So you go back to basics. Real basics. And never overstep the boundaries or the journey.

I told my counsellor that I didn't mention to him the fact I had romantic feelings for my married cousin. The reason was shame, and the ridiculousness that again I fell for a married man. For it is therefore not meant to be. So he asked me, why did you feel you could tell me now?

And that was because I had told myself in affirmation that it is okay to love someone and them not love you back. It is about you being a loving and demonstrative person, and finding a connection with that person. You validate your feelings and yourself. The other person's response is their own issue.

Especially since nothing will ever happen. And we wouldn't be compatible, my ego would constantly compete with him to be more gifted a healer. And because I wouldn't be more gifted than he is, or wiser and more knowledgeable than he is, I would feel frustrated. Best he remain a mentor. And hopefully a friend/brother.

So I realised that the moment you OWN your feelings and your darkness and the "shameful" aspects of your thoughts and behaviour, the sting goes away. There is no good or bad. It is as it is. You feel bindaas, free... the old matrix collapses in front of your eyes, you breathe easier, and you start to dance to Daddy Yankee again.

After seven years, it still feels like a brand new concept.

Hopeful

I'm a huge stand up comedy fan. Huge. It is necessary, since my own personality is more phlegmatic and melancholic.

Until recently, I limited myself to a few old favourites, such as Eddie Izzard, Michael McIntyre, Trevor Noah, Omid Djalili, Dara O'Brien, Russell Peters, Imran Yusuf, Tez Ilyas, Mo Jobrani, etc.

And then, YouTube recommended Indian stand up comics called Varun Thakur, Daniel Fernandes, and Kenny Sebastian. And, now I've discovered an entire new universe of stand up comedy, which clicks even more with me because of the desi accents, and talking about lotas, bros, chapatis, rikshawalas and bhen****s.

In a way, it also distracts me from what feels like another dark night of my soul. And mind.

When the ego dissolves, it truly just dissolves.

So, what I wanted to write about was Omid Djalili. I was in the library on Saturday, pretending to be productive on my laptop and avoiding the hordes of electronic music lovers who suddenly SWARMED Morden for their annual music festival (unbeknownst to myself and most of the aging population in Morden). My auric field needs major work, I almost felt like I was suffocating as I tried to bypass them. Need to flex my auric muscles for the time I get to Glasto.
 
As I was leaving the library, my eyes glanced upon his autobiography. My first thought was, dude, seriously, you're not that old to be writing an autobiography. My second thought was, this will be funny, maybe I'll be able to read and actually finish this one. The words look easy and manageable. And then I saw some Farsi words, and some Rumi quotations and I was hooked.

Image from www.lifeonaPost-It.com

It's funny to me how, I call him Omid in the English accent and didn't even stop to ask myself what his name actually meant! Linguistically, it's pronounced "oh-Mid". Obviously, in Farsi and other Eastern languages, it's pronounce "uh-meed" or "oh-med", which translates as hope or hopeful.

Lord knows, I can do with some of that at the moment, hence my addiction to stand up comedy routines at this time. 

The best thing about Omid Djalili is his honesty and open heart. It comes across in his comedy shows, and it came across in his autobiography.

End of Chapter 2, to be precise.

"One day I ran up the stairs and knocked as usual, but was confused to find a strange older lady instead of Sarah's mother.
'I'm sorry, little chap, Sarah doesn't live here any more. She's gone away.'
I felt a sharp, sad feeling in my throat and a lurching sensation in my stomach. For a brief, deluded moment I chose to assume 'away' meant an actual place. I asked when he was coming back.
'She's not coming back. They've moved.'
Some important lessons were learned that day:

1) No one tells me anything
2) Girls could not be trusted
3) Life is unpredictable and full of unbearable shocks
4) A pink corduroy bean-bag is no substitute for a best friend
5) I'm going to have abandonment issues when I'm older "

From Hopeful, the autobiography by Omid Djalili

Omid was four or five years old at the time.

I just feel amazed that he was able to pinpoint his wounds (he sounds as though he's had some help from a counsellor to pinpoint the abandonment issues). Most of these issues resemble mine.

The fact I substituted "girls" with "boys", made me realise that actually, both can be equally trusted. Gender is not the issue here, our perceptions of reality are the issue. Our messed-upness, brokenness, perceived or valid, is the real issue. And once we know we can place our feet upon the earth and not feel scared, all is well.

But to get to that knowing, we each have a different path. Life happens, and unravels you sometimes back to square one. Especially in eclipse season.

Reading about someone else's innermost thoughts can be a huge relief, as it makes you understand you are not alone in feeling or thinking certain human things.

That's the same with counselling. I only have two sessions left. I still don't have the skills that it was meant to train mein , such as self reflection and asking me if things really are as bad as they seem, but it has been good in making me realise that it is okay to be a human and make mistakes. Even when I repeat them many times.

It is okay.

I have also made a realisation that I would make a rubbish counsellor or therapist, and so I let go of any expectations to become one. It is a huge relief.

Omid. Hope. Optimism.

Things can't remain this heavy for long. There's an entire universe to explore and experience.

Places like Colorado, and California and places in the UK that I still haven't been. Ireland.

Once I've somehow managed to heal myself and my heaviness, I'm doing all of it. Getting the funding and travelling.

Hope.

Let's just end this blog post in hope.