Resurrection

Image by https://pixabay.com/users/owifanclub-15474005/

I probably won't publish this for real, as it's boring me just to write it.

However, this is the first time in two years, I have felt like writing. So it gets published here.

Thank you kambo and psycobilin. I took way too long and was too unreasonably scared to take you earlier.

***

Ghar

We waited patiently in the rain for the gaari. I wasn't expecting so many people to come to meet me, as I had been the one no one really cared about in my family.

But because things had drastically changed in all of our lives due to the unexpected things that had occurred, I had asked an old school friend to collect me. I wasn't sure if this was the right move, but sometimes we have very few moves to make. We make them and pray for the best.

She brought her husband and youngest son, and had convinced my mother to come with them in the same car.

My mother, Zubeida, was a cheerful old lady and she hugged me tightly when she saw me. I was taken aback, and had to calm my anxiety when that happened. She had shrunk considerably due to old age, although she wasn't as old as compared to her aunts.

Her eyes widened when she saw me. I was waiting to see what she would say, and she said it straight away. Her manner could be very direct, like the butter knife cutting through the makhan. I had battled with her energy for years: it was this piercing, hurtful energy and although she didn't really mean to hurt me, she was toxic as hell.

"Tooli, look, don't get upset with me, hain, but I brought you a lovely pacheri to wear on your head, cover your hair, your neck. Ya Allah," she whispered in my ear, "no sharam? Such a short top, such tight jeans? Come on, Tooli, this is Pakistan. All the drivers will be staring at you."

The heart began to race at excess speeds, and I began to flush in the cheeks.

YA HALEEM. YA HALEEM. The Most Forbearing One. Allah is forbearing, make me remember you at the time of great need. Loosen my tongue with Thy light, so I may say that which needs to be said, so that they can understand my words...

I took the coloured cotton cloth strip. It was a pretty colour, shades of blue tie and dye, but 30 year old Batul was not going to back down.

"Thank you, meri jaan. I won't be wearing it, but thank you for thinking of my safety in that way. Ufff, I can smell the mitti. Uff I left this too long, but there was no way I could come here in the halaat."

The car came, the driver took my bags in the dikki, and we all clambered into the car and slowly weaved our way out of Quaid e Azam airport. One of the nicer and well maintained places in Karachi.

It makes me feel alien. I never seem to fit in anywhere. Not here, not London, not Toronto. Turkey and Iraq, maybe, but they never were real options for me.

-----

What is the story theme?

Maturity and awakening by going back to childhood home
Interesting and broken characters
Beauty of Karachi
Spirituality and truth - healing in the stories

there is a scent

The background for this piece of work is after three weeks of being told to stay at home, and all life and seeming progress has halted for not just me, but for many others.

I had hoped and prayed that this week would be different, but not enough people have empowered themselves, of whom I am one.

The depressions that hit me again were firstly that any relationships I had tenderly, slowly, carefully rebuilt, all came crashing back to zero.

I have had to face the fact that, for some very odd reason, I just am going through a time whereby people who have a strong connection with me are non existent. I'm literally contacting my mother almost every day because - she is my mother. God has genuinely placed love for me in her heart, and for her in mine. I'm being kind to my father as much as I am able to, because of him I have a house and am not melting down due to lack of money.

But the aunts with whom I was communicating with, the cousins I had reconnected with, the friends I was making connections with... they have been struggling with the drastic changes in their own lives. It was easier for each of us to cope with our struggles because we had the ability to go somewhere else for a while.

I wonder if there are different layers of love, and if I personally have to go through this deep isolation so that I have the opportunity to ask again and again, "Allah, please enter my heart and fill up all of the loneliness that I feel, so that I don't get upset, feel victimised, ignored or devastated." This inner child work takes ages, and a huge chunk is also past life pain and trauma.

Same cycles going over again.

This time, however, I have fallen deep inside the emotions. As much as I could. I have lain down and held myself and cried and felt the anxiety, and the panic and the despair and just let it shake through, flow through, and then the tears come through.

I can't breathe very well these days, it has been the case for the last three weeks. I am concerned if this is the result of 5G microwaving my body.

There are so many fears and concerns, and the general theme is that of helplessness.

So the last two weeks have not been very productive for me, dragging heavy heavy energy around.

Today, I am writing here after clearing energy and trying to shift the heaviness.

I am half way through an article I wanted to write about my life experiences, and my confusing relationship with Islam and with Allah. I was happy to write it, and then the next day the depression kicked in again and I have not touched it in a week.

So at least, I have written this.

***

One of the Sufi healers, he has the softest and gentlest demeanour of the people I have met in my life.

He told me about a specific Mohammedan scent, about how Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) has a very specific scent that is also recognisable.

And it just made me feel so much at peace to know that I have a connection to that.

So let us see if I can break through all of these challenges and obstacles.

The main thing for me is to face the fears, acknowledge them and then heal them.

The fears of being attacked and unjustly treated by authorities are still very high. And still find it difficult being around Caucasian people, I get intimidated. Don't ask me why (racism and low self esteem that is still there).

Anyway, at least I wrote something.

It was cathartic for me.

2020: the year we MUST end all damaging contracts

So, it has happened that three years down the line, after removing myself physically from a damaging cult that made itself look benign, and even created it's own web hyperlink called wwe, I was still very much under the curse and contracts of that person.

I can't say anything further (forbidden words and thoughts) without risking being sued for libel. All the experiences are spiritual and energetic, and cannot be proved.

But the people who have helped me, I trust their information.

And this is why we MUST end all our damaging contracts that we made to ourselves.

The contracts are made at different points:

1) at birth
2) at conception or before conception
3) in between lives
4) past lives
5) present lives, at a younger or older age
6) fall from grace
7) at the time the world was created

and many other points, since time is not linear.

What kind of life damaging vows do we make to ourselves?

I have a theory that as souls, we aren't hat intelligent about life on Earth. And if we don't learn from the foolishness of previous lives, we perpetuate the same suffering in the current and future lives.

Certain vows I still have in place:

1) I am strong enough to handle all the suffering and pain without any help (I am not)
2) I am strong to not have friends (real ones)
3) I will not have a romantic partner, and will constantly pine after people who don't care about me
4) I am codependent
5) Blocks to positive living, money, prosperity, career, aspirations
6) I will be abused by clueless people
7) I will be trapped and have to live in a place that is harmful to me (London)
8) I will delay my healing and not see

There are many others.

It is a huge, shocking revelation to really see my darkness, the complicated ways I have ensured myself a miserable experience. I allowed others to do the same, by giving away my power of discernment, to think... the codependency cords were too strong.

It began from my parents, and then friends, and then more friends, and then a false guru who pretended to be a genuine person and cared about my well being.

Even now, I find myself meeting people who are not right for me. Something in me does not notice the red flags or the inconsistencies. My empathy overrides all logic and understanding.

The younger versions in need of a safe environment and sane, awake people seem to project this onto people based on religion (I am of Muslim upbringing), ethnicity (Pakistanis - not the best thing to do - knowing Urdu doesn't make for a pure soul), mothering energy (nopes, this has proven to be very conditional - people already made their families and became mothers to give that love to their own offspring, not to me), fathering energy (same thing), brother, sister, grandmother (same thing), nationality (I have very few real friends who are living in London - something about London specifically - the western way).

Yesterday was a bad day for me. The loneliness was eating me up inside.

Why do I repel people and invite constant disappointments and betrayals?

And the answer came: subconsciously, I never have fully changed the belief that I am worthless, not deserving of the good things in life. Not deserving of love, loyalty, affection, real genuine love... not worth of receiving without the automatic reaction to give back straight away.

And this is why I have met the people I have met, and have made incorrect decisions.

This is why for 10 years, the NHS and all the GPs at the surgery I go to in Wimbledon have not cared for me and ensured I suffered and didn't get a disability care plan and the appropriate benefits. I felt like I was a scrounger.

Unfortunately, the power of David Cameron's toxic words became like a curse in my mind. Be very aware of the NLP techniques the Conservative Party representatives use to enure the population remains disempowered, starving, suffering, dying, homeless, whatever.

It hooks into our low self-esteem.

****

So I spent a good two hours (I wasn't able to concentrate) on Divine Healing Level 1, surfacing the limiting beliefs and key psychological conflicts.

I can reach my highest potential / I cannot reach my highest potential.

And this is another reason for the despair. Subconsciously, because I feel like an utter failure, I had this conflict.

And this is EXACTLY the reason why this year, in the NOW, we MUST end all damaging contracts we made to ourselves and others.

They are utter lies and they are harming us more each day we keep them under wraps, not even knowing we have them.

A lot of them are inherited in the womb, when we were being formed inside, as well.

A lot of the New Age stuff is suspect only because people found another thing to make into a commodity. Most of these people leave a sick feeling in my stomach. Now I know WHY.

Healing and connection to God and self should NEVER be a commodity.

I was paying £300 a month to this cult leader. She made each of us sign a legal contract, and persuaded us with gentle cooing words, and Tony Robbins style of making you feel like a fool for not doing so.

And she will never give it back to me.

And this is someone I loaned £1,000 for her house rent in the beginning. Only because I was too depressed to take a Divine Healing Course then which would probably have changed the entire trajectory of my life.

There was one weekend event, and I and two other participants vomited the entire day as a result of the dark energies that were being used in January 2016. I didn't call an ambulance, not a single person working for her called for ambulance, and she didn't allow me to call for one afterwards, she pretended it was "father healing". Oh, had I the aqal to know what was really going on.

Psychopathic and sociopathic behaviour comes with immense charm. Please, remember this.

But it is what it is.

For someone who was earning £800 a month, I have NO IDEA HOW I assumed that £300 a month was justified.

I'm slowly trying to reconcile and say that I paid for the house keeper she kept, so that innocent soul could pay her rent or electric bills.

___

I know you don't know me, and I have no medical or mental health qualifications.

The only thing I have is lived experience.

And, right now,that's all I have going for me.

I'm still alive. And one day, I will be formalising all of this to help others in a VERY real way.


____

Divine Creator,

We align fully with our higher selves and our inner wisdom.

We ask for deep, profound healing for (enter your name) with Grace and Power in the perfect time of NOW (and you can also add a specific date for 5 or 10 years earlier).

Show each of us exactly the correct and aligned healing pathway to clear all the lies, subconscious beliefs, programming, and blocks that no longer serve me/us.

Remove from us the pattern of being entirely financially and legally dependent on a corrupt governments.

Bring to light this year all the people who are deceiving traumatised humans by making spirituality a business for exploiting people and their money. It no longer serves any of us to remain in denial, blind to the realities, including that of viruses, fluoride, vaccines, pharmaceuticals, GMO foods, chem trails, child trafficking, and everything else on this immensely INSANE planet.

Make us aware of the implants in our brains, and the brainwashing. What the sheeple effect is.

Move us physically to the places which will truly serve the highest forms of healing.

Grant us genuine, loving, sane friends.

Grant us Grace after so much chaos.

Uncreate all the contracts, destroy them and replace with Light.

Ameen.

The Forbidden Experiences

I hope this is the crunch point.

I have had many crunch points over the years, each time naively assuming I was healing and I was really helping myself to move forward in life.

And on the surface, I assumed that this was all happening. You think something consciously, you really want something, and it happens.

I managed to find a job two years ago and it was such a struggle. But it never occurred to me to maybe get some therapy. Why? My counsellor told me that I should just do my own therapy. Be the inner counsellor. He did not realise I had complex PTSD. And me, believing what others tell me and wanting to save on my hard earned cash, listened to him and I didn't continue therapy.

There are just so many experiences in life that are forbidden by our families and societies, cultures to experience and be honest about.

Currently, I have been unemployed for six months, and I can't work at the moment. I can barely concentrate on something I need to be doing for myself.

I feel very broken.

My ego wants the world to know I am educated, and I am highly intelligent. That I can cope.

But my brain is currently wired wrongly due to childhood trauma. There is a possibility of childhood sexual abuse that was too traumatic for me to remember. Or it could be some physical violence that I can't remember.

There are some gaps in my memories.

I've been trying to complete a Universal Credit Health Assessment form and it's taken me two weeks just to get to grips with the form itself. I have the same issue thousands of my fellow humans have with the GPs - not taking us seriously and saving money when lives are in the balance.

I have tried for the last 10 years to resolve this issue, and even shamanism and Sufi healing still doesn't fix the brain.

I have learned so many different modalities of healing... yet... I have not had a single client since November because my entire world crashed down upon me.

This is not something I want - like cancer, it is what I have.

Wishing it away will not will it away.

I do not know what I need to do, and I am so scared.

I wanted to get married around 9 years ago.  I fell in love with him too quickly, and he dumped me just as quickly. And since then, it's been so difficult to find the right person (even persons).

I have wasted a lot of time on people that should never have entered my life. I have experienced a lot of disrespect, dysfunctional relationships, intensity, blocks...

My aspirations were taken from me.

I still have them, but there's not yet a way towards them.

These are the forbidden experiences I can't honestly make a documentary about - it would require me to be an entirely different person to start making these documentaries I wish to make.

The first one would be my take and version of the Netflix documentary Heal.

The lady had access to all of the celebrity healers.

I have access to the healers who actually give a shit, who have all given me healings on donation or for free when I've not been able to afford and who are struggling, just as we all are. Relatable.

There are many opportunities available to me, and I release all the need to hold the blocks to my prosperity and adventure now.

I couldn't even write two days ago, now I can.

Oh my soul, this is excessive punishment and sabotage. It it not just.

Allow me to flourish.

Ameen.

This is very painful. And no other way but to address the ugliness.

None of that glitzy, sheen, the sugar coated spiritual and energy healing that most are experiencing and writing about.

But at the same time, that all is valid for them.

I, like others I know, just picked the heaviest pile of horse manure and bathed in it before incarnating.

it is okay

i can't write much at the moment.

i am fighting something that feels a lot bigger and stronger than I am and even has bypassed God's laws because it remains hidden and unknown.

but it is okay.

what can one do?

sometimes the pain and the confusion and the devastation has to be felt.

i anticipate that i will get out of this and be able to help others who are going through similar.

or at least have my life back.

the second one is preferable.

the first option smells like codependency all over again.

i need to tell the world

there are a lot of things i need to tell the world...

i hope i am able to allow myself to do so...

they say we have free will and are not victims

i am sure that's the case

just remember your worth is not in your head

it's just the fact you're still alive

otherwise

you'd be dead

and that would still affect others

more than you

there are so many things

that i have done wrong

so terribly wrong

it has cast something upon me

so people do not see

the truth

they see whatever is in their

own eyes

and there is a message

to stop

these people

really

must

go

for

there is something stopping me

from having a connection with them

they are just randoms and tandems

that i attached to

rather than forming solid relationships

why do the wounded call out to the wounded

we are awful for one another

not right

there is a pretense that has cast a spell upon me for years

because

there is the loneliness

there is the emptiness

there is the silence

it keeps coming back

and i keep staring at the empty eye sockets

asking

why?

and

how to end this pain and fuckery?

so hidden in God

“A woman's heart
should be so hidden
in God that a man has
to seek Him
just
to
find
her.”

- Maya Angelou



****

i tried again, God.

i thought this time would be different
but it just showed me
my delusions and denials.

maybe i was destined
to find a child-like friend
but someone who doesn't even
have the inclination to talk
on the phone.

yet, i love him.
it's a pure love
from one pure soul
for another

i don't even think he loves me back
not in the way i need
just as a friend
or family

i have to go through yet another
grieving process
it's in the eyes
in the heart
in the thymus
grief
disappointment
rage


i am truly appreciative
for the connection
past-life or beyond incarnation

i was trying to make friends with
someone else
but he is in a lot of pain
and my strongly held opinions
clashed with his -
he told me to leave him alone

the losses increase
and You are trying to get through to me

the material tokens
the prestige
the years
the people

i remind myself how some dervishes look on the outside

unkempt
in direct communion with Thee

have i ever experienced a single moment
in my life of that grace
that direct connection with Thee?

am i settling again for form
and not allowing it all to wash away
into molecules
into atoms?

i would like to feel
i am such a woman
who is hidden in God

https://pixabay.com/photos/woman-girl-eye-models-scarf-590490/ caption

i feel i may be one
who is hidden
from
God



i am no longer hiding

but i feel i am still hidden

they tell me to make a list
to buy two pink candles
to recite verses
to make a spell

but is that all that is required
to finally be with a Soul
who is my perfect complement
my soul-mate

a man who would actually recognise me
at first sight
rather than the other way round

the man who would see Goddess
inside of me
and his heart would open
with recognition, love and worship
of Thee

recognising my Light
understanding that I am still only a fallible human,
with many weaknesses,
immense hcallenges,
intense Scorpio energy,
but the respect, the love, the compassion
and the feeling of homecoming,
recognition
would ooze through his eyes?

he would match me in stillness
and i would match him in vigour
we would speak
without speaking

we would not feel ashamed
of gazing into each other's souls

no shame in fucking each other's brains out
whilst calling Thy Holy names
filled with gratitude for Thy plan

pure tantra
pure Union
pure love-making

matching our lust and love into
a litany, an ode
a whispered prayer
a relieved thank you
after my 15 year search

the emotional healing would
of course be in process
but there would be the emotional
connection
most of my holes would be filled
with ME
so that they were no longer hole
but just holy

and the same for him

and my irritability would be
tempered by peace
wisdom
matched by his
wisdom
humility
saying salaam
to humility

the complement
to my mission
on this planet
of self healing
healing others
learning from foolish mistakes
figuring out how to be financially
abundant

he would help me build
my spiritual centre
the healing modality
would heal his traumas

he would understand
the light language
flowing from my hands

and we would both dream of one another
without even making a bedtime intention

but, dearest little one,
you would need to be
an entirely different woman

to the one you show up as right now

frequency
vibes
good luck

just breathe

agar hona hai, hoga eventually
agar iss baari kuch nahi hona

toh hona nahi hai

the end-game is activating and aligning with
my own masculine energy
and truly loving myself as i would like another to love me

and unconditionally love
all the others who crossed my path
and then ran off


my discernment requires work
and this codependency needs
a BPL (bum peh laat)

hide inside of God
the real one
not the ones all these new age people
all these religious people

are shoving down your third eye
implanting you with false ideologies

tu abhi bachhi nahi rahi

grow up, yaar
mature

maturation is vital for meeting with God

and an understanding
that He causes the blindness

and that you only call Him He
because
someone told you to do so

it is of course a moot point
but it does make one question

Sukaina Juma
07/01/2020

(N.B. I'm not even venturing to ask you for a woman - the attraction hasn't ever been so strong that anything happened. Although I am most definitely bisexual, it's more a concept, more an understanding, a vehicle for compassion and tolerance, but not a real experience. Connections are soul based. For some reason, I don't gel with any of the women I have ever met in that way. Meeting the wrong women, then!)

because i did this willingly

Picture taken from Pixabay

there are just too many of these intense emotions

i have had to deal with these emotions
this deadness
this pretense
for four months

only to wake up
and find that the reality has not shifted

i mean, it has
but there is massive shadow work going on here

and i just do not understand

the constant collapsing

i keep using that word

because this is what it is

i, too, wish to live a superficial life
a happy one
one that functions

so many things on this to-do list
that remain on it

driving lessons and actually get a driving license
training for various things i may not be able to

so many things on this list

if i was to list them all
i'd be sobbing again in despair
because it feels as though they will not be accomplished in this lifetime

do you realise, dear reader, just how tiring and annoying it is to feel the same things
and go running after one healer, then another, then a third

they all helped. don't get me wrong.

but most could only help to a certain degree.

and i sway between knowing how to heal myself and not knowing anything at all

i got so excited when i met A online
and then H
i just assumed that somehow the bad luck had finished

i thought it wouldn't matter that i'm not earning an income at all
i'm not studying
i'm comatose but not really

i assumed it would all work out
because i did this willingly
because i was free from the matrix of work, taxes, 9-5 drivel
because i had plans
so many plans
because i was living alone and therefore untethered by the
dense energy of the father figure

it didn't
H ended up having his own mental health issues
and didn't want to talk after a really good phone conversation
so I've deleted his number so I won't get tempted
to send him a message when I am feeling lonely

A isn't the right partner for me
funnily enough, he's too desi and too involved with family
he couldn't appreciate my sincere love and affection for him
he doesn't call me and doesn't wish to see me badly enough
he can drive to Bolton and to Leicester for friends he has known for years
but not me
and i understand
who am i except an open healer?
who may be able to activate something
or give some paltry advice about social norms
and how to behave around people
i've become an aunty to dispense advice when requested
and i was doing it otherwise as well

W was never meant to be in my life
yet i allowed him do to his eloquence
and my desperate loneliness
and i feel all empty inside
the words are just words
just like Manu
their energies are similar
both are probably amazing souls
but are messed up when I met them
give me nothing
only take, drain, reject, overly sensitive, harmful, abusive
unawakened

this loneliness is key
it needs healing

i understand why
right now, i wish i could dump me somewhere
until i can sort myself out

but is that how we treat humans?

even the ones who are going through so much?

****

this is a very raw piece of writing
i don't wish to publish it

for it exposes how much of a human i am
a broken woman

listening to billie eilish on repeat
everything i wanted

"i had a dream
i got everything i wanted
not what you think
and if i'm being honest

it might have been a nightmare
to anyone who might care

thought i could fly
so i stepped off the golden
nobody cried
nobody even noticed

i saw them standing right there
kind of thought they might care

i had a dream
i got everything i wanted
but when i wake up, i see
you with me

and you say
as long as i'm here
no one can hurt you

don't wanna lie here
but you can learn to
if i could change the way that you see yourself

you wouldn't wonder why you hear
"they don't deserve you"

i tried to scream
but my head was under water
they called me weak
like i'm not just somebody's daughter... "

ALL RIGHTS OF LYRICS RESERVED - BILLIE EILISH