those who feel like home

A sea of people,
Yet only very few feel like home.
Some we knew from when we were children,
Afraid to speak, but had a companionship of the heart.

And now, a sea separates one from those who feel like home.

For some, it is more an ocean.
For others, it is a mountain of everlasting silence, never to be broken.

Love never to be declared.

A Sufi is everlastingly grateful for everything ever denied. The secret is a deep one, filled with profundity. We can live a very surface based existence, following passions, lusts, whims, laws, fashions, the mind and intellect.

Until one day, the soul is overburdened by the denial of truth, and states firmly: enough.

We continue to deny in order to purify.

Your first love is your divine Creator. The secrets within this Love will burn your wings, and your sight will also be sacrificed.

But within you, your heart will unfurl, the cage around it will shatter. Everything you have lost, including your dignity and your sanity, can truly be restored in a wholesome way.

The whispered prayer of the one most in need will resume to be asked within the hallowed halls of the saintly tombs.

But the meaning is now entirely different.

We ask for a continuous audience with God.

Anything else is paltry and a pretty mirage.

another way of being

The full moon lunar eclipse. It was a big deal. 

In two months of no rain, clear skies and very hot, tropical weather, it was to thunder and rain precisely on the night of the eclipse - so I am unsure if anyone in the UK was able to view it when it occurred. I am sure there is a message in that for us.

It, plus the retrogrades, is bringing up so many people from my past. People I really do not feel any connection with, who actively seek me out, but then I never know what for, as the connection was broken a long time ago.

Do they reflect back to me darkness? Is it really something I need to see right in my face?

All the traits I thought I had submitted to God, they are gearing up for another round: self-centredness, aggression, victimization, using people for one's comfort, ingratitude, ignorance, ridiculing others, demeaning others, rejection, disconnection when there is sacred love to be experienced...

Being on the receiving side really feels awful. I cry big, silent tears.

Life repeats itself with major misunderstandings and projections. I am okay with all of it, because I don't feel connected emotionally to the people any longer. My auric field is more solid than it ever had been.

Cleansings are being done daily, and showers are a must. With lemon shower gel. They cord in fast and furiously.

All I have to do is realise my boundaries are much stronger, and relevant and reasonable. I isolate myself as that is the easiest coping mechanism.

Although, it makes one wonder if one is still at a lower, fragmented version of life, or is this the reflection of what was once my life?

I never know the reasons why they come back, but not really there. This online business is probably the biggest fallacy and illusion known to humans....

And, the ones I would rather spend my time and energy with...

Are nowhere to be found.

This is an energetic memo to all from my past: I am done. Ended. Not repeating this. Go find you own light and selves.

It is possible to learn the learnings in isolation.

As Rumi said in fihi ma fihi, there is the Muhammedan way of spiritual growth, whereby he was surrounded by those he needed to exercise caution and patience with, including his wives, and companions. And then there is the Jesus way to God, whereby you remain celibate, isolate and have no family. If you can't do it the first way, then by all means find Him the second way.

But the goal is always to find Him/Her and to be absorbed entirely.

That's when the personality genuinely dies, and no longer is interested in the "me" stories, no longer defensive, in separation, unheedful, all talking and no listening.

The end game is sacred Union with God. Let's remind ourselves of this.

If you're working through other challenges, please don't pull someone to you when they finally freed themselves to another way of being. And then others will therefore reflect that same respect toward you in the right time.

We are each our own powerhouses, our own energy sources - work on that

The Rupture and The Repair | Curated Post

THE RUPTURE AND THE REPAIR 

First there is the rupture. Old pain resurfaces, erupting from the depths of the unconscious. 

The status quo is shattered. You feel disoriented, groundless, not knowing where to turn. An old world has crumbled, a new world has not yet formed. 

You encounter the strange space of Now, pure presence, raw, unprotected by old dreams, nothing to cling to. 

Even your outdated concepts of God crumble. 

And then you remember to breathe, and feel your feet on the ground, and observe the spinning mind rather than losing yourself in it. 

The world is out of control but you are not. You feel what you feel. Afraid. Angry. Numb. Sad. Lonely. Unsafe. Whatever. 

You commit to feeling it fully today, to not dissociating this time. A feeling is just a feeling, not a fact, and presence can hold it. 

You wail, you weep, you scream, but you are repairing. You have broken to heal, ruptured to mend. 
Old energies have emerged only to be blessed with love, acceptance, tenderness. 

You can't go back to the way things were. You can't un-see what you have seen. But you can be present, today. And take each step consciously now, not automatically, habitually, but mindfully, with care. Finding gratitude for each extra moment you are alive. 

And staying close to yourself now, as you walk this unknown path with courage, and a new conviction. 

- Jeff Foster


~~~~

I will write another post about the intensity of the challenges most of us are going through collectively, and individually at this time. What little I know of it from my own experience - once I've channelled away my very intense emotions at this time. So it might take a while for that post to appear.

My cousin told me something that I didn't really want to hear, but it was said with humility, love and truth.

Me: I miss writing!
Cousin: You are good at it if only you stay away from emotions channel the emotions dont write with emotions

Therefore, it will take a while for me to write anything worthwhile. I'm currently being eaten up.

What Jeff Foster said above is exactly what's going on with most - not all - of us at this time of eclipses, and just basic soul's growth.

You feel like breaking, but hold on. It doesn't define you - this humanness doesn't define you, and other people's dramas are definitely their issue.

Walk away and channel the emotions. No matter WHO it is in front of you. Value your boundaries, your Self.

We're all connected, and from the same source, but that does not mean  we owe anyone any of our energy. Boundaries will always remain important, no matter how much one ascends inside of oneself.

I am... am I? Shamanic and Sufi thoughts on Be-Ing-Ness

Add caption

The more we surrender to God (I prefer this term), the less we are allowed to hold onto our superficial layers that have given us a sense of security since our childhood.

We die many deaths before we die.

Yet, my observation is, not all of us experience this process in great depth, and that is also with divine grace. Either there are many obstacles, or other earthbound learnings to be fulfilled, or other reasons unknown, but known to the Creator, who is constantly working on each soul's perfection - even in the really crappy times. Of which we all experience a frequency of.

Can you imagine the pilot flying your plane, or the investment banker in charge of your thousands to invest, or your hair stylist, or the guy driving the bus, all of a sudden to having a crisis of consciousness and flaking out, and hiding under the covers for days on end, like most of those whose DNA is shifting?

It would be chaos and unnecessary. (Unless my unravelling was particularly excruciating due to interference factors - which it was, and also it wasn't).

In Fihi ma fihi (Discourses of the Unseen), Rumi states that God has also put the passion for a particular life journey in that soul, because otherwise society wouldn't function. You need the farmer to want to be one, or a dancer, or an actor, or a corporate speaker to want to be one.

Not every single soul currently in incarnation at this time of Light needs to question who we are in essence. If we do, then that too is our path, and after all the unravelling is done, we may still do the occupation, but with an awareness that puts life into sharp focus and paradox, and blesses all those whom we connect with with a high light and frequency. This can truly be felt.  I have experienced this with a handful of people, and hopefully will meet more like this in my life.

Those who have that are nectar, and the bees, wasps, and even butterflies congregate around that Light. But it is a subtle process, so it is also those who are humble, who have realised the nothingness and temporary nature of existence that comes after "I am..."

If you are one who is unravelling, there comes a point when you accept that most people will not be able to cope with it, it will feel fractured, and you'll be forced to give up the old lives you lead.
If you are still meant to be behind the veils, and to continue your life so that the world functions well, thank you. Allow your fractured, unravelling friend to move on, so they can fulfil their role, which doesn't fit into the standard.

Some of us are meant to be in society, but still on the outskirts. A bridge between the seen and unseen worlds.

The mind can't comprehend, only an open heart and submissive ego will be witness.

Darkness 5.0

I have been trying to pull any and all energy and motivation inside of me to write. It just hasn't worked. So I've turned on Darren Hayes inspired music to inspire something intelligible and profound from within my mind and soul to write on these pages.

I will be need ing to go into a second round of eitikaaf (spiritual isolation). I am still very unsettled within myself. If someone stares at me, I can't look back and smile. I look away, ignore them. Most of the time, the energy is VERY heavy, especially from females. Something about me (or it's just their habit) makes them want to steal my solar plexus energy, or my head energy.

I return all of it back - they can process their own shit, I refuse to do it any longer for good karma.

I just got back from Birmingham - not the best trip, but energetically Birmingham is a better place than London. So just being there made me feel lighter. being around relatives is always tough, especially when it's the first time you are meeting them - and they are all from Dar-es-salaam and Zanzibar - they just have something different flooding their veins. Very different.


I took my mesa there. It felt like it would absorb the energies there. I keep having to put my mesa on my stomach and my heart to help heal the pain, the raw pain that just lives there. Relentless.

The darkness has come back - the emotions have all come back, the memories still have not been destroyed. That sucks. It really does. Furthermore, I have peole from my part in karachi come back to talk to me, and although the conenction is not there, there is this karmic compuslio to communicate - maybe jsut to pick apart the wounds, to bring up all of the anger, insecurity, all of it to heal - does it ever fully heal?

I remember school like I was there yesterday. Useless information, really. And anything useful, and pertinent to my present - I seem to be apt at forgetting. Regularly.

I feel all the world is going mad. I just found out Boris Johnson resigned, which I was happy about - but that his resignation has made the pound sterling even weaker.

I am wildly fluctuating between the mundane human life, and finally getting little sparks of spiritual life. I am crying a lot, the kind of tears and wailing I used to do after my ex. The kind of crying that would hollow out an entire cavern inside of my heart, and make me feel the loneliest person on the planet.

This time around, instead of calling on my ex's higher self for love and support, I call upon my cousin's soul for company. it is always willing, and after a while I feel the familiarity of his presence, and my heart calms down and I feel safe and loved all over again - similarly to how I used to feel around my grandparents. It will have to do, in order for me to survive life.

After all, love heals.

God, I have a confession - I am absolutely exhausted and done with having to interact with superficial people I have no reason being with.

Forgive me for whatever it is that causes me to be separated from my soul family.

I am also very much tired of being single, without a loving husband. I have been patient and self sabotaging for 8 years now. Enough.

Women half as intelligent and loving as I am are happily married. Please help me with this.

I know there is a part of me that finds all of this banal and mundane, and that's the part that continuously ensures that I've been single all of my life. I am aware of interference from others, but surely they aren't more powerful than Thou?

But Thy mercy and majesty both encompass all things.

Right?

In the end, it is late at night, I am tired and therefore lose my eloquence. Plus Chiron is in retrograde; my chiron is in Gemini. Not that I'm using it as an excuse - or may be I am...

Surrender to God. Fully. I hear his voice in my head every time it get's too egoic inside of my head.

Does he/she bring you to me? (Curated Post)

Nenari Anne Diamond

15 June 2017 · 

It was asked~ How do you know if he/she is the one?
And the Master Artist whispered "Does he/she bring you to me?, Does this one remind you of me, the God incarnate you are? Does this one uplift you, inspire you into your Soul and of the wholeness, perfectness, completeness, and beautifulness you are no matter how you act, what you do or say as I see you?
Does this one love you as I love you? THEN he/she is The One"
~Lady Nenari, Princess of the Sea

Authenticity | The Heavy Stuff

I tried to make a video today, but I reviewed it and it sounded very depressed and heavy. It was all true, and it had my heart and soul in it - but it makes for awful viewing.

So I uploaded one I made earlier instead. Back in January.

The sentiments are the same, but I pray that I will snap out of this soon.

I am done.




May God save me from these dark places I find myself falling back into.

lighting the candles, burning the Shadow

The shadow work is being done. It is not necessarily being done by me, but more through me.

There was something that Matt Kahn must have said in one of his recordings, and someone kind posted it on social media. It was about how I as a human am unable to forgive, unable to work through the shadow, unable to heal the emotions, unable to fix my life, unable to open up my third eye, restructure my DNA and RNA structures, unable to astral heal, etc... but You can do it through me. I surrender to this.

It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.

All this means is to pray for others to be free from suffering, rather than to curse their uncouth and unconscious behaviour.

I am finally able to read 40 Rules of Love without entity interference, or without some ****storm beating my energy to a pulp. I am halfway through, and I am fully in love with Shams of Tabriz. The energy of this soul is so overwhelmingly tender yet rational, fallible yet also beautiful. I see his essence gleaming through my cousin. It is an addictive and very attractive energy. I first came across this free, ferocious, yet quiet and gentle, conceding, malleable energy in my "friend" B in Konya all those years ago. He has been the only man to ever read to me, and light a real fire with coals, and to make me tea (it was that fake artificial apple tea, but who cares!). There is something very attractive about that energy in a man. Solidity, groundedness. We listened to Evanescence songs and his English was amazing and he was so articulate, as well. Middle Eastern men, sigh!

My deep attraction for that energy also highlights that is the energy I currently lack within myself. I will cultivate it within me, God willing. As He works through me inspite of myself.

In the book, as in Life, the beggar's face is that of God, the harlot's heart is as pure as a saint, the alcoholic is bleeding from within and seeks relief - God is within her as well. We none of us are to ever judge the appearance of another.

Rule 14
God is busy with the completion of your work, both outwardly and inwardly. He is fully occupied with you. Every human being is a work in progress that is slowly but inexorably moving toward perfection. We are each an unfinished work of art both waiting and striving to be completed. God deals with each of us separately because humanity is fine art of skilled penmanship where every single dot is equally important for the entire picture.

I have a daily Rumi quote that appears on my phone at 8:30am in the morning. Today was one that takes me a while to understand how.

So far, all I have concluded is that this corporeal world is full of crap and density. And for us idealists, who imagine it to be different. that is why we cause ourselves so much suffering. Once we accept Life for being the opposite of harmony, our resistance ceases, and we don't wish for something different. We accept the insanity and find inner coherence.

Or someone wiser than I am once said:

Life sucks and then you die.

:)

for the duration of my seclusion

"In the quiet moments
the soul has no real urges or desires
When the universe gives you a pocket of quiet, silence, peace,
please dear Soul,
enjoy it and elaborate on it.
That fountain of gratitude that bursts forth from the heart,
allows you to expand time and enjoy more peace.

It is a reality that you create with your gifts."

I have not felt so peaceful since April, when I was in a house in Richmond Hill, sitting on a plush white carpet, leaning against a wall, snow falling softly outside, managing a panic attack and crying silently, whilst my cousin prayed his salaat to my right-hand side. And even then, even with his aura being so warm, healing and magical, I didn't have the power to truly be my own self and feel free from the shackles. I hid myself away like a non-related woman would have to. people passed by me, ignoring me. It is all acceptable, because it is what I experienced and is done.

Life is chaotic, what else can I say?

But right now, I am feeling as though more darkness has lifted.

When I am alone, and when I isolate myself from the people during the weekends, I am able to remember myself in snippets. I can breathe easily. Around others, my 11-2 pattern of taking on other people's patterns kicks up, and I behave in a way I regret later on.

But it doesn't come from the meditation.

I still have not been praying the five a day salaat, and I wonder at myself how I can set myself up for such an arduous journey.

Prayer is not about my ego, and yet my ego makes it all about the ego. And I have indulged it for long, because I justify myself. I say so-and-so is favoured by God, and yet she doesn't prostrate in the Muslim prayer. I forget that, for all of that, she also is possibly on her own journey and the standards by which she will be evolving are different from mine. (Although they do say in sufi tradition that a the more a person is actualised, they will take even more care regarding the daily prayers and even if the number of prayers remains five, the quality of the prayer would help them to even levitate and do the astral travels within it, as the saints have done and continue to do).

It is not as though she has somehow gotten less favour from God for not being Muslim and praying. Quite the contrary, from whatever accounts she makes regarding her mystical experiences.

I know all of this, and yet, the guilt eats me up inside my heart. It is as though, since I was born as a Muslim, I have this duty to carry on with the same tradition. I know it works very well for my cousin, and for others who have also done the inner work.

But then, they eat meat so frequently, it must have an effect upon the soul. It can't not. Whatever goes in affects our soul. And comes out as well.

BEING IN EITIKAAF

Eitikaaf is something I chose for myself from the first day of Ramadhan. It is difficult when you work full time, and when you are a friendly chatty person. Or when chatting to someone means that you feel connected to something. But that is why we do the seclusion. To trigger and bring up all of the fears and insecurities we have that are numbed by the chatter and business.

I am being shown how much disconnection I still have. No visions, no dreams, no third eye open. Just fatigue, anger, people still behaving like morons outside. I just stay home on the weekends because it's safer for me to do so.

The days I fast have been good, I am slowly crushing that stubbornness and the self righteousness. I am now realising that the self righteousness originates from me. Once that goes, people are easier to get along with. We all make mistakes, and it's about finding a way through the chaos and the noise to move back to God and make life easier.


The sacred nights of Qadr are here and I already have my long list of wishes.




Number one, fill me with the zeal of sitting under a starlit sky. It's been years since I did that romantic thing.

Number two is PLEASE grant my favourite music artists with the healing and inspiration they need to make even more high frequency and sacred music. Especially Outlandish, A.R. Rahman, and Coke Studio Season 11 which will start on 14 August (so maybe that prayer is a bit too late now, lol, since they probably have finished composing and recording all of the songs by now. For Season 10, I won't be buying the entire album, just a few songs.). I am also praying that I can find the MP3s for Atif Aslam's Coke Studio songs - I can't find Dholna, Charkha Nolakha and Rabba Sacheya, and it's annoying my ego.


I really request true friends. Please forgive me for all of my flaws which have contributed to my being entirely friendless in London. And heal the issues I have with my family and relatives. Help me to forgive Life every moment (and help me to stop cursing the ignorant, because it just comes back to me threefold).


I need a new job that is respectful of my intellect, creativity and soul. And people who love and respect God, themselves and others. Intelligent and funny people.


And all the rest of it.


I am so exhausted and tired with all of the solar flare activity.

Time for bed.

The heart continues to close, and then open. Same for the mind. Hopefully, I will find respite soon.

Somehow each gives the appearance of the other | Rumi

God’s presence is there in front of me,
a fire on the left, a lovely stream on the right.
One group walks toward the fire, into the fire,
another toward the sweet flowing water.
No one knows which are blessed and which not.
Whoever walks into the fire
appears suddenly in the stream.
A head goes under on the water surface,
that head pokes out of the fire.
Most people guard against going into the fire,
and so end up in it.
Those who love the water of pleasure, and make
it their devotion, are cheated with this reversal.
The trickery goes further.
The voice of the fire tells the truth,
saying, “I am not fire. I am fountainhead.
Come into me and don’t mind the sparks.”
If you are a friend of God, fire is your water.
You should wish to have
a hundred thousand sets of mothwings,
so you could burn them away, one set a night.
The moth sees light and goes into fire.
You should see fire and go toward light.
Fire is what of God is world-consuming.
Water, world-protecting.
Somehow each gives the appearance of the other.
To these eyes you have now what looks like water burns.
What looks like fire is a great relief to be inside.
- Rumi

a little forward movement on the scale of evolution

We all come to a point in our lives whereby the things that would break our heart, do not. You can experience things and still keep that song in your heart.

This month has been really testing for me, mainly on the days I am at work in Mitcham and having to deal with the disturbed public there. Daily, I meet unaligned people, far removed from anything divine and spiritual, misunderstandings abound. I have had at least three women entirely waste precious hours of my life with their blatant lies and ****.

Unfortunately, my intuition either doesn't kick in or I am not listening to it. Had I known, I would have behaved differently. I'm so behind on my other work, it's like trying to hold onto a thousand strings.

Since I began fasting at work, I escape to the local park during lunch, so I can breathe and regain what little dignity I can. Thankfully, it has been sunny and dry in London in order for me to do this.

Today, I accidentally bumped into my friend in the supermarket. He's changed his working hours for the holy month, and so he finishes at 7:00pm. We both were tired from thirst and fasting, and he was stressed - sigh. I wonder if there will ever be a time of freedom and laughter and good stuff.

But I was happy to see him - it has been three months since we last saw each other.

And this time I could see that all of my airs and graces had been swiftly taken from me. Part of this was a result of spending time with my "Sufi" cousin when I was in Toronto, without the airs and graces I used to hold so dearly to myself. He can see thrugh most people, most of the time, most of the way. (Lol.)

I was myself, if a bit lost for the real words and topics due to fatigue.

I ended up getting him some Oreo chocolate, as that's really the only thing I knew he would actually like and eat - he refused to tell me what to get him for his iftaar. God, please bless my friend with the real light you blessed me and my cousin with.

But the desperation and clinging is long gone. If I don't see him, I am contented. This is a major achievement of my soul, which I am acknowledging publicly. I used to cry with real pain in my heart, and wish I could have him for myself. Funnily enough, two nights ago, the same toxic unhelpful regrets about how single I am at age 34, and how no one really wanted to be with me went through my energy field and I cried so much. There was pain in my heart and brain, and I had to place selenite on those areas to extract the pain. It was a much deeper level of healing and acceptance that was needed.

I just want my own husband, and my own happiness now. Without the rubbish that I take almost weekly from certain people I work with, the unhappy ones disconnected from themselves and addicted to alcohol, lying, complaining, and the rest of it.

I truly wonder if this will ever happen?

But then, other things have taken place as well. My dear Moshi died last Thursday - he was put down after being run over by a car. Moshi was my cousin's spoiled cat, but we all loved him SO very much.

I cried a lot for two days. Now I am okay with that.

I fell so ill over the weekend, that I was unable to leave my bed for most of it - such a frustrating, repetitive pattern. It really confounds me how to move forward with this.

My Rahaani teacher told me if I am not self healing, journeying to see my guide, or healing another person, then no wonder I am not highly intuitive and my world isn't going quite as I would like.

I just feel it gets too much to bear sometimes.

I hope you understand the depth of what I mean, and not see this as more complaining and ingratitude. Not that there's anything wrong with being in that state for a while.

I'm still missing the bus, and now they are almost empty buses in the morning. But having missed those buses, I have bumped into very attractive, handsome, well dressed and seemingly kind and benign desi men - who may or may not be single, and may or may not be my spiritual/romantic matches.

Let us see. At the very least, I make more of an effort when getting ready for work in the morning :)

Today was the 6th of the month of Ramadhan. I am technically in eitikaaf, and speaking to His creatures is a part of this eitikaaf. I have and am reflecting upon my core fears and my failings, mistakes, and negativities and asking for help to move beyond all of this.

According to my psychic, I still have to go through another month of utter bull until hopefully my life will be "for real" lighter and filled with Allah's grace.

But I notice I am using the pronoun "I" still.

Speaking of which, my two books arrived - The Degrees of the Soul and The Forty Rules of Love.

I'm going to inundate my energy with Light until I become it.

No other choice; the way of crap and delusion and destruction doesn't work.