God’s presence is there in front of me, a fire on the left, a lovely stream on the right. One group walks toward the fire, into the fire, another toward the sweet flowing water. No one knows which are blessed and which not. Whoever walks into the fire appears suddenly in the stream. A head goes under on the water surface, that head pokes out of the fire. Most people guard against going into the fire, and so end up in it. Those who love the water of pleasure, and make it their devotion, are cheated with this reversal. The trickery goes further. The voice of the fire tells the truth, saying, “I am not fire. I am fountainhead. Come into me and don’t mind the sparks.”
If you are a friend of God, fire is your water. You should wish to have a hundred thousand sets of mothwings, so you could burn them away, one set a night. The moth sees light and goes into fire. You should see fire and go toward light. Fire is what of God is world-consuming. Water, world-protecting. Somehow each gives the appearance of the other. To these eyes you have now what looks like water burns. What looks like fire is a great relief to be inside.
- Rumi
We all come to a point in our lives whereby the things that would break our heart, do not. You can experience things and still keep that song in your heart.
This month has been really testing for me, mainly on the days I am at work in Mitcham and having to deal with the disturbed public there. Daily, I meet unaligned people, far removed from anything divine and spiritual, misunderstandings abound. I have had at least three women entirely waste precious hours of my life with their blatant lies and ****.
Unfortunately, my intuition either doesn't kick in or I am not listening to it. Had I known, I would have behaved differently. I'm so behind on my other work, it's like trying to hold onto a thousand strings.
Since I began fasting at work, I escape to the local park during lunch, so I can breathe and regain what little dignity I can. Thankfully, it has been sunny and dry in London in order for me to do this.
Today, I accidentally bumped into my friend in the supermarket. He's changed his working hours for the holy month, and so he finishes at 7:00pm. We both were tired from thirst and fasting, and he was stressed - sigh. I wonder if there will ever be a time of freedom and laughter and good stuff.
But I was happy to see him - it has been three months since we last saw each other.
And this time I could see that all of my airs and graces had been swiftly taken from me. Part of this was a result of spending time with my "Sufi" cousin when I was in Toronto, without the airs and graces I used to hold so dearly to myself. He can see thrugh most people, most of the time, most of the way. (Lol.)
I was myself, if a bit lost for the real words and topics due to fatigue.
I ended up getting him some Oreo chocolate, as that's really the only thing I knew he would actually like and eat - he refused to tell me what to get him for his iftaar. God, please bless my friend with the real light you blessed me and my cousin with.
But the desperation and clinging is long gone. If I don't see him, I am contented. This is a major achievement of my soul, which I am acknowledging publicly. I used to cry with real pain in my heart, and wish I could have him for myself. Funnily enough, two nights ago, the same toxic unhelpful regrets about how single I am at age 34, and how no one really wanted to be with me went through my energy field and I cried so much. There was pain in my heart and brain, and I had to place selenite on those areas to extract the pain. It was a much deeper level of healing and acceptance that was needed.
I just want my own husband, and my own happiness now. Without the rubbish that I take almost weekly from certain people I work with, the unhappy ones disconnected from themselves and addicted to alcohol, lying, complaining, and the rest of it.
I truly wonder if this will ever happen?
But then, other things have taken place as well. My dear Moshi died last Thursday - he was put down after being run over by a car. Moshi was my cousin's spoiled cat, but we all loved him SO very much.
I cried a lot for two days. Now I am okay with that.
I fell so ill over the weekend, that I was unable to leave my bed for most of it - such a frustrating, repetitive pattern. It really confounds me how to move forward with this.
My Rahaani teacher told me if I am not self healing, journeying to see my guide, or healing another person, then no wonder I am not highly intuitive and my world isn't going quite as I would like.
I just feel it gets too much to bear sometimes.
I hope you understand the depth of what I mean, and not see this as more complaining and ingratitude. Not that there's anything wrong with being in that state for a while.
I'm still missing the bus, and now they are almost empty buses in the morning. But having missed those buses, I have bumped into very attractive, handsome, well dressed and seemingly kind and benign desi men - who may or may not be single, and may or may not be my spiritual/romantic matches.
Let us see. At the very least, I make more of an effort when getting ready for work in the morning :)
Today was the 6th of the month of Ramadhan. I am technically in eitikaaf, and speaking to His creatures is a part of this eitikaaf. I have and am reflecting upon my core fears and my failings, mistakes, and negativities and asking for help to move beyond all of this.
According to my psychic, I still have to go through another month of utter bull until hopefully my life will be "for real" lighter and filled with Allah's grace.
But I notice I am using the pronoun "I" still.
Speaking of which, my two books arrived - The Degrees of the Soul and The Forty Rules of Love.
I'm going to inundate my energy with Light until I become it.
No other choice; the way of crap and delusion and destruction doesn't work.
“I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don't know why, some people fill the gaps and others emphasize my loneliness. In reality those who satisfy me are those who simply allow me to live with my idea of them.” ~ Anaïs Nin
Whatever you lost through fate, be certain that it saved you from pain. ~ Rumi
Today, after such a long time, I felt my essence creep back within me, and expel itself outwards.
I have felt so tired for so long.
So very long.
It seems that the path of the mystic begins in utter forgetfulness, and repeats the same in this world of utter chaos and confusion.
I was sitting on the bus this morning, with the sunlight streaming through the dirty, unwashed windows. For the last few weeks, my senses have been heightened and I can't stand the sounds of other people talking in rough tones. Everywhere I find myself, I feel that the experience is burden to my soul. A necessary evil. The constraints are coming back to cloak me.
And in that sunlight, I saw the dust specks that float around in our environment. And there is something about not having any control over our environment that brings a soul to question their Creator: is this really what I came here for?
A long list of people's names and faces float in front of my eyes, teaching me that no matter how badly I desired connection, or the experience of romance or friendship, no amount of forcing things ever made it occur. And when I forced things, they ended up being pale and corrupted versions of what I originally wished to create.
On my way home, I took the bus I rarely take as I needed a different route "home", a different point of view, a different outcome. I need to wash myself off of the crap I have taken on during the day.
I got off the bus alongside a bunch of people who live in my neighbourhood, yet we lead entirely separate and secluded lives. I went in the direction that was not the same as theirs, into the long seeded grasses of the common.
I touched and kissed the buttercups, and breathed in the liquid green healing that was available to my really exhausted soul. My feet began to dance as they struck the dry, cracked earthened track...
And I remembered my time in Uzumlu, walking with an older gentleman who was like my grandfather, and who had recently departed from this plane.
They were walks that I took and he tired to help me in his own way, yet once we were back in London, my demons took over and I never once sent him a text or rang him.
And now he is forever gone, and all I have is an apology to his soul for not honouring the connection.
The sunlight is peeling my skin apart, and peeling apart the egoic structures.
I had opened my heart last week and allowed the initiation to take place, to trust in Love and in Sacred God Light and in God.
And now my heart is closed again... and I pray each day for it to open again.
The past is now most definitely the past, yet the sadness and the disappointment is still stuck in this foolish heart of mine, and so I eat sugar as though my life depended upon it.
Trust me to be my own worst enemy. And it is taking a lot of me to come to terms with what i have been doing with myself to ensure that I remain in a painful state.
Family have shown me that they can not be trusted to treat me with respect and true love as I somehow expected and anticipated from them.
What is a relief, and a mystery, is that the person I thought was my twin flame, my Manu, and the one I assumed I would always have strong and passionate feelings for, has gone entirely from my heart. It is disappointing from the point of view of my soul's development, as the aim to to love every single bit of Life as God, but from another point of view, having entirely neutral or no feelings at all is the biggest breakthrough. I can't even conjure up his face in my mind's eye any longer, nor his energy with mine as I lie to go to sleep.
It is as though he no longer exists at all now in my personal world.
I suppose that is the only way I can move on with my life, to thrive, to survive. Because, facing the ugly fact, he both made and broke me. A million times.
And as for the other two, there is not really much point in dragging on hopeless scenarios. Married men will remain happily married with children, and nothing I pray for or imagine or hope will manifest. They don't love me enough
... and there is a huge blessing in that.
I am slowly becoming an automaton in the workplace and I must find a solution and a way out.
It is severely disappointing to me that once again I will not complete a course and certification due to life and my ill health.
I've just gotten bored with everything that everyone has to say. Any harm that comes to me, and trust me it comes to me daily, is looked upon with a weariness and a studied avoidance. No matter how much I avoid being around people and cars, they find a way to interfere with my journey and almost run me over and kill me. Almost daily now. Just like I miss the bus to work daily.
I read something really precious in the book I have in front of me... "The Knowing Heart" by Kabir Helminski, and it talks about surrender and submission of one's will and taking everything as a true gift.
Every smite, difficulty, everything.
I feel that in my quest to find real teachings and teachers, I have still come up with cold air and the whispers of a sweet, masculine, American (but not Texan) voice on a freezing cold night driving back to Richmond Hill from Niagara Falls.
My mind had been upset and attacked for the preceding days, I had experienced two major panic attacks in someone else's use, and I had to somehow maintain my dignity amongst clueless relatives. it was tough.
"Well, may I be blunt?"
"Sure."
"The problem is that you haven't submitted fully to God. You keep talking in terms of I."
And I have had to view that uncomfortable truth straight in the eye. Every single day.
But, it takes time to get to that state, my dear majnoon brother. (Making you my brother will be a lot easier for my soul to bear than the original desire).
And you have been blessed with that state after all of your self discipline and dedication.
I have not done that for myself as yet, and so I am learning to move forward.
It is beautiful to be in the presence of someone with such a calming, loving energy flooding through their entire system. I didn't have to be speaking to him (and trust me, he didn't feel like talking to me most of the time). I just craved to be in the same auric field as his, and so I took all opportunities to do that, including staying up late into the night whilst they talked about kryptocurrency, and athiests and agnostics, and then I felt more grounded and safer. At "home". Embraced, and comforted.
At the time, I assumed it was him I was after, and for the last two years since we met, I assumed that would give my soul the peace it was seeking.
But we always mistake the vessel, the pottery, for the true authentic Source of energy.
God then breaks the pottery, makes it so very flawed and mean and avoidant, that He returns you back to the Source. God loves us too much to let us remain in delusion for that long. Especially if we are sincere in our seeking, and our in our light.
But what sincerity is, is different to each soul. Remember Moses and the shepherd, always. We each have been that Shepherd, and Moses, and Khidhr, and all of them. We are all One. We just need to remember.
But it takes experience and a certain level of growth to see Truth with clarity and immediacy. A lot of solitude and reflection - so that one doesn't begin hating the one we love, but seeing them as unable to love back in the same manner. It is not their role to appease any insecurities, but to unpick and unravel our tapestry of self deceit as to allow all the maggots to come to the surface, and gnaw the false sense of self into dust.
How vulnerable it feels to be thrown back to the ground again, to get up and look around and find oneself in the same position one was 8 long years ago. The same words reverberating in ones ears, the same fears making us have sleepless nights.
And yet...
Even those closer to God than you will disappoint. He went off on his journeys to visit spiritual friends, and never thought to take me. And I never had expectations, but I suppose the fact he said in the very end that it had been a possibility is what was so humbling, and so disappointing.
The God I have faith in doesn't play games, but human egos play those games.
Nonetheless, that conversation, alongwith the driving and the love, healed something that had been sucking my energy dry. It was another one of those awful entities, and trust me, I am so fed up of having to deal with them and remove them, and them coming back, and removing them yet again.
Whether I pick them up in these heaving cities of murkiness and energy leeching, or if I take them on from individuals when I empathise with them, it has not served me well. They attach to my throat, and i cannot express myself, they attach to my mind, and I think ugly thoughts.
I felt more like myself after the healing, It was very strong, and I was reeling with dizziness for a long time afterwards, but still stuck as a guest in someone else's Pakistani home, and therefore having to respond "normally" like others, instead of the lost, wandering, gypsy like soul that I house.
The one who could see me most was my mirror, and even he surprised me with his repressive and limited programming that he is still to question and address.
The masculine, Pakistani, Muslim programming that feels no qualms about two women being married to the same man AND sharing the same room. The programming that personalises historical and spiritual events, and thinks that prayers to remove blessings from the entire lineage of certain dark characters in Shi'a history is justified, and in the same breath prays for Palestine, Syria, and wants to heal the world.
The programming that somehow tells me to wear a headscarf, and that somehow that will aid me in my quest for liberation and a state of utter oneness with God.
Gender is truly a concept.
We came to make this damned planet into one whereby females are no longer harmed or controlled by masculine energy.
The wedding was probably the most normal human thing I have done in a long time. it would have been lovely, had it not also been such an empty experience for me. Just the wedding reception. A bunch of people in a room, waxed and painted and seated. No real introductions made, and I felt a bit nauseated and uncomfortable with having to make conversation with people who were not comfortable with my energy. I didn't know what to do with those encounters, and they left me feeling as though I had two left feet.
But that red velvet cake was good!
As was this kickass song I discovered at the mehendi
I know, the lyrics are demeaining, as is the really unimaginative video. I like the tune. It's good for Zumba workouts :p
And I come home from Canada with a buzz, only to find out that I was criticised behind my back by people who were sweet to my face - and about the most petty of matters. Showering for too long, and blatant lies about my not washing dishes enough - this is the extent that some people see me as. An unreliable dishwasher. Not as an invited, honoured guest in the house (alongside 13 other people), or a loved, treasured niece. If I ever felt like a second cousin, it was in that house.
At the end of it, once I process the hurt my ego feels, I will accept that we don't have to be likeable to the majority of people. And we will be lied to, and betrayed by people who will be the most loving people to others. Something in us triggers off that darkness.
When this happens often enough, and in my experience, it always has, it is better to be alone in this case.
Rule 6, 40 Rules of Love by Shems Tebrizi Loneliness and solitude are two different things. When you are
lonely, it is easy to delude yourself into believing that you are on the
right path. Solitude is better for us, as it means being alone without
feeling lonely. But eventually it is the best to find a person who will
be your mirror. Remember only in another person’s heart can you truly
see yourself and the presence of God within you.
And my mirrors have all gone off, becoming memories of the past.And I will no longer carry the past upon my shoulders like a huge burden.
It was what it was. I did what I did, they said what they said.
My delusions are continuously blown up in my face, until I surrender to Thee.
And not have any false beliefs or delusions about my fellow humans, and their capacity for unconditional love. We all are still clearing our muck.
It looks really ugly, and I'm going through the motions due to lack of any other choices at this time.
And yet, when the joy hits, I become One with Self and with Thee
When
reclaiming back your light, allow it to happen. Fully. It has been a
difficult and challenging time. As it states in mystical texts and and
is discussed in quiet tones at gatherings, those who know, know... and
there are different levels of knowledge.
This knowledge and wisdom comes after a lot of shaving down of the falsity of our humanity, and the wounds take time to heal.
Surely there is light.
If there is a sun, and there are a billion sunbeams, is the sunbeam the sun, or is it separate from Source?
Why would those of us who shine the brightest, feel the weakest, and be
constantly under-rated? If it through humility and humbleness, then let
that be clear to us - but if it is through a deep sense of low self
worth and esteem, then let that be healed fully this year, and at this
time.
There are constant missiles and arrows that interfere
with our unity awareness, with our most profound relationships, with our
right to amazing health and alignment, and with other areas of our
existence. My multidimensional soul really wants to experience the mess,
the chaos, the lack, the obstacles, the stuckness... until all of a
sudden, it said enough is enough.
I could lament (again) about
the wasted years, opportunities, the amount of disempowerment each soul
allows itself to go through to express polarity and duality, all
manifest from the Creator.
But - if you are constantly irritated by each rub, HOW will your diamond be polished?
I am currently reading a book about mysticism, and it speaks about the
Sufi desire for edep (adab). The more that shines through divine light,
the less we to speak and make noise.
Constantly clear, and
allow goodness to bless and grace your entire being, your pores. Ask for
a better today in the now. Ask for true harmonisation of masculine and
feminine energies inside of you with a gentleness and love that only God
can give, when asked.
Ask for protection in these times, and
for true guidance to those whose company others crave whilst they are
alive, and who are truly mourned once they depart into the Light.
May we all open our hearts to pray for each other's best. And remember
that respect and compassion and love and allowance are so important,
along with generosity of Spirit and temperance.
I find it
difficult to cultivate because of where I live and the energies I need
to interact with, but there is hope I can hold my own energy and not be
affected by the tides of people and of circumstances.
All of this is written on a sleepless caffeine high.
Also, always trust and be curious with your intuition, your gut when it
tells you something - even with loved ones. Because each is a teacher
of light and dark, and each has a varying degree of stuff they are
dealing with. Including you yourself.
And these are even more crazy times. May we survive and thrive. Because, why not?
And those of us who still took our lives personally, and I am a culprit
of this perceived victimhood, forgot that we are nothing and yet
everything, individual in our collectivity.
And we CHOOSE this.
May our dormant DNA and RNA be activated, and our intelligence be
awakened to full capacity - so we can see and perceive that which has
been blocked from us for centuries.
Each of us has the potential to full awakening according to our abilities.
Same sun, different sunbeam.
Same Source and Creator, different souls in the sun.
Remember to question the unquestionable, and remember to be very
careful with whom you trust with your spiritual life and energy.
The right person is that who is humble, generous, dwn to earth,
grounded, filled with Love, intelligent, wise,and encouraging - and is
nothing inside but a vessel and messenger.
They will never be
perfect, but you can not mistake the light and their status - light
befriends light, and we are attracted like honeybees to nectar.
The thing about life is that you need support and you need to be
connected to the love frequency. The Creator is the one who loves you
the most, and you can never escape from that love and mercy, even when
the darkness overtakes you.
And it constantly overtakes you.
Because you are in a human body, in a human life and right now, things
are so crazy, we all are so strong to still wake up in the morning - we
didn't give up and remain in the astral at night.
The energy in
Canada is different from the energy in London. After a long time, since I
was in Turkey last year, I felt I could BREATHE - there was SPACE. I
couldn't live in Toronto because there is no sea and it's all concrete
and highways for miles everywhere you go - I did a good job surviving
the four years I was there.
But the vibe is different - and the
people are slightly more animated, if at the same time I could see the
programming and the constraints.
For God knows what reasons, I
missed out on dinner with my cousins, and ended up meeting people I
really didn't want to meet - they triggered off something still inside
of me known as low self worth and self esteem - my auric field was weak.
And so things happened as they did.
But when God destines a
respite from the madness, He destines it. Someone who surprised us ended
up being my anchor. An oasis of calm and of light and of love.
It might not always be the case, but I have experienced what life looks
like in another person's world. With family who love, who care, who are
giving, generous and don't let the small stuff bog them down.
I will need to make my own family, rather than borrow other people's families...
I need to create my own life rather than live out vicariously through others...
"You're taking longer to get ready than the bride!" "I'm out of practice, and I live my life vicariously through others. This is possibly the closest I'll get to getting married."
Who knows? That's not the end game - the end game is love, affection,
companionship - not a blank, empty, dark sceptre by my bedside every
night, egging me on to cry more helpless tears of loneliness.
Whatever has blocked us, may that all be removed.
When even the angels say enough is enough, that means divine intervention is now very welcome.
I have been unable to speak for a while, and some may see me as majnoon, but that's a precursor to wisdom.
“Don’t turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That’s where the light enters you.” - Rumi
“You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.” - Rumi0
“Your hand opens and closes, opens and closes. If it were always a fist
or always stretched open, you would be paralysed. Your deepest presence
is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully
balanced and coordinated as birds' wings.” ― Rumi0
“There is a secret medicine given only to those who hurt so hard they can't hope.
The hopers would feel slighted if they knew.” ― Rumi0
Only the Creator has full knowledge of the affairs of us lot
One
is truly fortunate to not hold any importance in the lives of others.
There is no grip, no hold - the soul is free and unhindered. Being
anonymous is the greatest glory the divine gives to those who know.
One is even more fortunate to not hold onto others, and this takes
lifetimes to master. Not to be insensitive, or unkind - but to not take
it all on and make it ours. To let it go back to where it belongs.
To
not harm, and to not be harmed.
To allow and be expansive.
And kind. Generous.
For the one trapped and enmeshed with others will personalise a life that was never meant to be personal.
We all go through exactly the same process, just the timing is
different. Yet we always feel the pain of our own lives the most, and
that of others the least because it didn't happen in our body.
Now, how does one instruct a stubborn ego to submit to this truth?
You came here in service, therefore whatever life and the world does to
you is justified, as long as it's not abuse, and you don't cling on to
things. Not even to your own opinion about your own life. And that
craving you feel to justify, to defend, to cut down - cease it.
I
came across a very interesting passage today about "hothouse
enlightenment" and how someone can be granted great powers of insight
and intuition and psychic ability, and yet you wouldn't trust that
person to babysit your children (or, as I like to say in dramatic tones,
"save me from a fiery death.").
Let us today let all of them go,
to learn their own lesson.
We created these "monsters" to tear us down -
otherwise, we might have become like them. It isn't acceptable to the
ego, but to the eternal soul, all of these experiences are necessary.
Which is why WE create them. There is some pattern of logic to it.
May I learn my lesson allowing generosity to always be constant, and to not shrivel under personal hurts.
There's no great glory in being more enlightened or "older" than
another soul. All that means is the life intensity will increase, and
more **** will happen to test and mold you.
The higher you go, the more refinement is required for the soul, so every speck of dirt is squeezed out.
I present to thee organic enlightenment.
Karachi, 2014, a poor stray kitten paralysed and starving - did my best, but it was never enough because of being under so much darkness at the time. Shitloads of fear. I hope she forgives me. I hope all the animals forgive me my mistakes, fears, and greed.
And I ask for the ability to provide the small necessities to those in need, like food, shelter, warmth, love, reality.
One
is truly fortunate to not hold any importance in the lives of others.
There is no grip, no hold - the soul is free and unhindered. Being
anonymous is the greatest glory the divine gives... to those who know.
One is even more fortunate to not hold onto others, and this takes
lifetimes to master. Not to be insensitive, or unkind - but to not take
it all on and make it ours. To let it go back to where it belongs. To not harm, and to not be harmed.
To allow and be expansive. And kind. Generous.
For the one trapped and enmeshed with others will personalise a life that was never meant to be personal.
We all go through exactly the same process, just the timing is
different. Yet we always feel the pain of our own lives the most, and
that of others the least because it didn't happen in our body.
Now, how does one instruct a stubborn ego to submit to this truth?
You came here in service, therefore whatever life and the world does to
you is justified, as long as it's not abuse, and you don't cling on to
things. Not even to your own opinion about your own life. And that
craving you feel to justify, to defend, to cut down - cease it.
I came across a very interesting passage today about "hothouse
enlightenment" and how someone can be granted great powers of insight
and intuition and psychic ability, and yet you wouldn't trust that
person to babysit your children (or, as I like to say in dramatic tones,
"save me from a fiery death."
Let us today let all of them go,
to learn their own lesson. We created these "monsters" to tear us down -
otherwise, we might have become like them. It isn't acceptable to the
ego, but to the eternal soul, all of these experiences are necessary.
Which is why WE create them. There is some pattern of logic to it.
May I learn my lesson allowing generosity to always be constant, and to not shrivel under personal hurts.
There's no great glory in being more enlightened or "older" than
another soul. All that means is the life intensity will increase, and
more **** will happen to test and mold you.
The higher you go, the more refinement is required for the soul, so every speck of dirt is squeezed out.
I present to thee organic enlightenment.
And I ask for the ability to provide the small necessities to those in need, like food, shelter, warmth, love, reality.
"When you have indulged a lust, your wing drops off; you become
lame, abandoned by a fantasy.… People fancy they are enjoying themselves, but they are really tearing out their wings for the sake of an
illusion." Jalaaluddin Rumi **** Ipso facto, know what your weak desires and lusts are.... own up to them, face them, know them intimately, why they are there, what you are running from through them...
.....and run the heck away from them!! Fall back into your divine state. Easier said than done, or easier done than said?
Water says to the dirty, "Come here." The dirty one says, "But I am so ashamed." Water says, "How will you be made clean without me?" Rumi, Mathnavi
~~~~~~~
You remove the thoughts that create a life form.
The energy comes back for a while, and you feel like your blood has become liquid gold for a while.
I have more energy.
Two days ago, with the precision of timing that only God has mastery over, and with my surrendering to my intuition, I met my soul mate whom I had not seen in 8 months due to his fears and blockages from his wife.
He apologised to me in very clear and detailed words. no running, no hiding behind a silent wall. I fell in love with him all over again (not that I had stopped). A perfect present... but there is nothing I can do. When someone gives away all of their power to their spouse, whereby she is checking his phone and emails, and doesn't allow you to experience the delicate nuances of human relationship. When he lacked the courage to text or call me in 8 months, and not really care how many nights I cried, or the pain that is still playing up every once in a while... well, then he isn't ready for me to be in his life.
As a friend.
I would never break up anyone's marriage or partnership (how egotistical is that thought? that someone else is the cause or source of my happiness or my peace), and this one obviously has been going very well for eleven years. They had their third child in September 2017.
I ain't that desperate for companionship (not any longer, that is).
I told him, "I know I deserve better."
This life teaches you that there are things that are more important than coupling. being okay with being alone, and being the main cause for this loneliness, for one.
The funny thing is I thought of him two days ago watching one of those YouTube videos about picking cards regarding exes. For him, the green crystals came up, as in he thought of me as a friend and was an angel in my life. All that is true.
But the love between us is so strong, I was surprised after 8 months, I still have exactly the same force of love and attraction and affection towards him. No change. As always, there was the electric charge that occurs whenever we are in the same vicinity, in the same room.
But I am thankfully not the same soul I was 8 months ago. Or rather, not the same human. I am forcing myself to surrender to whatever the reality is.
If I cast so many wicked, dark magic spells upon myself throughout the years and existences, it will take some time for them to wear off.
I had the witch-like entity removed exactly two weeks before. And, after 8 months after being so broken and in pain and hurt, and him ignoring me once when I was at the grocery store, we meet - with the precision of seconds. Had I left work earlier or had I been sidetracked with going to the second building to drop off leaflets for my colleague, I would have missed him. I left the leaflets because they were too heavy. And was angry at myself for not bringing them when it would have taken just two extra minutes to drop them off.
But those two minutes would have meant never meeting my Punjabi soulmate that evening.
He asked me to forgive him... he looked towards the skies in what seemed a gesture of awe and gratitude and said, "Well, it was meant to be that we met".
"I don't want you to think that I ever thought of you in less of a way. I don't want you to think that it was me who sent you that message.
"It wasn't you?"
"It was my wife."
I always am amazed how he keeps calling her his wife, instead of by name. I would always call them by their names. There must be some anger toward her on his part. He must feel the trappings, the energetic shackles and enslavement - he's really not that unintelligent or in denial (I would hope not.).
"You have no idea how many times I dialled your number and then cut off the call."
He alone has the right to break, for he alone has the power to mend. He that knows how to sew together knows how to tear apart: whatever He sells, He buys something better in exchange. He lays the house in ruins; then in a moment He makes it more livable than before." Rumi, Mathnavi, 1, 3882
"But I never received any call!"
"Yes, because I cut the call before dialling. I just had no idea what would happen if I did, and I couldn't take the risk. The guilt has been eating me up."
"Ab aisa lag raha hai ke thhora dil ka bojh kum ho gaya..."
Honestly? I couldn't write a script better than this - and he's not even for me. Well, my hair could have been prettier and breath fresher. Haha. Note for next time... except, again, had I stopped to freshen up at the office before leaving, I'd have missed him!
But maybe the script my soul is writing is the one of unconditional love. Not having anyone in your life, and forcing yourself to forgive his insecure wife, his own ego, and release the attachment. To spread your love to others, including some (there are many in London) arseholes that have crossed you.
If he had allowed me, I'd have given him a massive hug and a kiss. But Sukaina was not allowed to show her love and affection to him, as has always been the case. And so he drove off in his silver car, not even willing or able to offer me a lift to the bus stop.
The funny thing about him is I picked up on his beauty whilst walking past his car, and dared to look again - it was my soul that said, "look at this handsome guy. It is safe to look - to engage with life" - my default has been to ignore people and glaze my view. Something about those Muslim beards gets me into a hypnotic state. Thank goodness, he cut it back to regular size. There had been a phase whereby he was doing a some really weird things with that beard of his.
And then I recognised him.
He recognised me.
And I called out, "Can you talk to me?"
He said "I can, now."
And the best thing about him is there is almost no drama. None at all. Comfortable like an old pair of sneakers. Like a fleece blanket. Like my neighbour's cats. Like a cup of cocoa with marshamllows and cream.
His is a soul I could hug forever. The kind of feeling I want to feel when I finally meet my own life partner. Just warm and fuzzy. Instant trust and faith. God energy.
The refined, perfect merging of the divine feminine and sacred masculine.
For 8 months, my belief has been he just doesn't care. And it is correct - one has to be really distracted and in fear to not clear up any misunderstandings.
A simple text or phone call would be all that it took. But he hasn't gotten to that level as yet.
And on the night of the solar eclipse, he showed me just how MUCH he loves and cares for me. I can never doubt it again. But, again, there was a heat of mutual love and care, of respect and of compassion, and none of the crap that I was feeling before: no anger, no hatred, no desire to get in the last word. I just spoke too quickly again.
It's the kind of friendship we both would grow from and find immense freedom in. And fun. But, as it stands... he closed off at the end, probably feeling guilty about his wife. Honestly, what is it with us humans and operating our beautiful, free existences based on the core trappings of guilt and fear?
I did tell him, "You need to have courage. Aise rishtey bohot kam milte hain. If anything changes, give me a call. Or text."
All he said was, "I'll see you around, maybe." He stiffened up, went back to reality.
I do NOT envy him, in spite of the fact he has a loving wife and three beautiful children, and an active social life, and loving family.
Since this isn't quite working in my favour, more entities are in need of removal, more curses. We both were standing out in the cold on the pavement for half an hour, rather than in a nice cosy coffee shop or restaurant. I didn't even think of asking to sit in the car to talk, and even if I had, I wouldn't have asked. He would have gotten the wrong idea of what my intentions are.
I just hope he chooses me as his spouse or girlfriend the next time we both incarnate together. What the **** is the point of incarnating with all of these beautiful soulmates, meeting them online or in the flesh, and NOT ****ing ending up with any of them? Hello?
This is so difficult for me. We were both here when we were teenagers but I never met him then, did I? I always, ALWAYS, find them AFTER they have already married the women they are meant to be with. It was the curse I put upon myself at age 13. The ridiculous Jane Austen curse.
And I accept that I made such a horrible thing happen to me. I wanted to experience this level of indescribable pain, I guess.
However, after feeling like there was something fundamentally wrong with me that no man I loved loves me back, and each of them have hurt me, Allah graced me with the clear sign that He can make things happen with such precise engineering, I still can't believe it. I've still been going to the grocery store, but never seeing him and have become so okay with it, I don't even look for him.
Allah also is reminding me that, contrary to how my family feel about me, how certain female friends feel, and contrary to every shitty thought I have had about myself and my life, he loves me. No question.
Such a sweet, kind, soft man. So soft and stable and loving, I melt into his energy and never want to leave (unless he's acting upon his ego, which is infuriating).
May I find one with all of their good qualities who had true courage and spiritual fire, such that he knows straight away that we are connected and is willing to sacrifice for the union.
Or else, give me two healthy cats to have as my children!
(Ideally both, but as they say, "laazim nahin hai ke dunya ke saari khushiyan kamaa le tu...").
And then, today, I lost all energy and vitality, I've been lying in bed all day "sick". I hope I didn't create a sadness and frustration entity that's sucking me dry.
Oh, this spiritual path!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm reading a few Sufi books I finally got after my friend got mad at me for not reading from the masters and going to hacks and charlatans for healings and knowledge.
The Knowing Heart and Living Presence, both by Kabir Helminski who has a soft, fluid way with words.
And a book by Chishti about Sufi healing...title to be added when I find the book somewhere in my room.
Starting with what is familiar and warm, what I know... my soul isn't as old as I wanted it to be, and I am now accepting of all of that.
I still mess up in social situations, and still don't have control over my own life... the small things, the larger things.
Experiencing such extreme fatigue and a buzzing that won't let me sleep or meditate or pray. Or do anything I need to do.
*** This is a first draft. I have to write this all down. It will birth when the time is right. For others to heal and NOT make the same mistakes I have made, which have had very poor results in real life. Not for my own egoic ends***
Spellbinding Ourselves Throughout Our Infinite Consciousnesses
It is my sincere desire that not a single one of my years of nothingness and immense pain is wasted. I know I will not have any descendants, progeny, children of my own, grandkids... this is something that wasn't part of my life path this time around, mainly because all children are my children spiritually. But it is my sincere wish that someone, a sleeping Starseed, another humble Sufi-shamanic type of soul will be helped by these words on these pages, these thoughts tumbling out in a wave of overwhelming relief at finally seeing the light of day, of being birthed onto planet Earth.
Of shining a light, of healing at the core - the VERY CORE - of the harshest wounds...
As for what I have experiences in the avatar role as Sukaina, it isn't interesting in the least. With great honesty and frankness, my life will never be turned into an autobiography. It has been bland, boring, caged, and mundane enough to have sent me into regular spirals of insanity and despair.
I will not write any lies or untruths.
I will also not be writing anything too specific about my personal life, because it will NOT interest you.
I have somehow been released from the ancient need to have stories, to have many tales to tell of what happened in "reality" and in "actuality".
That which is important is that the little knowledge and wisdom that I have extracted and absorbed from the soul of each experience was not meant just for me. It can't have been just for my education.
It must have also been for someone else, for the collective of Khojas, of women, of Pakistanis, of British born people in the eighties, for someone else who is connected to me on a soul level.
It has to be. I would only go through all of this for the greater good.
Wizards and witches and Sufi masters will sometimes burn themselves in the harshest fires of tribulation (even when, as was my decision, all of it self imposed and self destruction) so that others can cool their eyes and fertilise the soil with the ashes that remain after combustion.
Then the most beautiful roses and sunflowers and daffodils will grow from those ashes, bring the most heavenly indescribable scents to everyone.
There have been myriad lies told to me, and so, so, so many more that I told myself. No longer acceptable.
I have blinded myself, gauged my own eyes out in spite, and then complained to God for taking away every single spiritual gift I had. For taking away anyone who had once supported me.
And then, recently, I witnessed a woman crawling inside a window, and jumping off a filing cabinet for me. Just for me. To help me out of the cold, and to help me get home. That was unprecedented.
We basically cast spells upon ourselves, and follow through on those our entire lives.
And then one day, some kind healer shaman soul removes the spell, and we are left with just this.
A bat. A soul fragment from when I was 2 years old. Reviving the belief that love is real.
And...
"A notebook and a pen. Start writing..."
I had one simple contract with you guys, with my family: hide the light, just hide the goddamned light.
We broke the shackles again and there's no more hiding.
The light is self explanatory, and it is very real.
