Water to a thirsty Soul

My mentor is upset with me. It is not the first time that the people I ask for guidance feel upset with me.

It makes sense.

If you tell someone some easy steps to gain a stronger spiritual energy, and that soul remain stubborn and encompassed by ego, how can one not get annoyed?

You, as the more advanced being, see very clearly what needs to be done. You have been granted the gifts of the unseen, have seen some incredible things, may even know how the threads of the universe work, and you see potential in someone, or that person has asked for help, you give it and then they toss it to the ground in fear: you feel a bit worn and disappointed in your protege. To the point you are aware she is not ready, and so you let it be for now. After all, your time is so very precious.

"Do you meditate?"

"No, I was, and then I wasn't feeling well..."

"Just a simple yes or no is good enough. Do you meditate?"

I became all withdrawn and sullen.

"No."

He smiled: "Not at the moment"

"You complain and make excuses. I told you to write, and you insisted on going back to your old blog, complaining and repeating the behaviour of the past." He stopped to think. "Well, anyway, it's not as though you are writing anyway. Never mind, let's just get the healing done with."

"Your ego has taken over, it is very much there. You don't let go, you keep holding onto things... so if you're so full of stuff, then God can't come inside. He will still help you... but... You have to surrender"

 I filled in the gaps: you won't get the experience you wish, because you didn't make space, you didn't surrender to God.

You know you have found the right teacher when they make you just the right amount of uncomfortable as they show to you ALL of your limitations just by one glance.

I couldn't speak after that. Apparently, my going for walk whilst listening to music cancels it out, because the body isn't getting the benefit when the mind is distracted. I got upset, not because he was right, but because I am sure somewhere in my last 7 years, I knew about mindfulness and now seems I have forgotten all the useful knowledge.

Instead, I am pining away for a life partner and unsure where to go in order to at least meet someone and make friends. It's never going to be about a fling, about getting it out of my system. The one thing I know about myself is I have to choose very wisely, someone who is willing to stay with me in spite of all of the discomfort and flaws and someone who truly is submitted and down to earth.

When I spoke to my mentor, the furious intense love for him suddenly appeared again in my heart. I didn't really ask for a healing. Speaking to him is usually healing in itself. I was craving his company, and I couldn't be honest about it to myself. After all of this time, loving someone so ferociously still seems like a huge crime due to religious and cultural conditioning. It is agape love, the highest form that usually gets mistaken for the more earthly defined forms.

For those few minutes, connecting with a soul mate half way across the world, makes my loneliness dissipate, makes me have hope that I will one day be able to travel once more to Canada and the US (for, in spite of all the darkness erupting there, there is ALWAYS light).

I hadn't seen him on video chat for at least a year. I didn't realise just how much I missed him until I saw his face smiling at me. I stared at him throughout, it was a similar feeling such as water in an oasis to a thirsty Soul who has travelled the desert for miles without recourse.

Sort of like a Shems - Rumi meeting, but obviously that has an entirely different level to it. Rumi as very willing.

And all I was doing was unable to open up to healing, defenses were up and the mystical, cryptic manner in which he gives his pearls of wisdom makes it so difficult for my mind to understand.

Anyway, the idea is simple... be happy, be grateful, meditate, wake up at dawn, write for ten minutes daily for 40 days and things may shift.

I am unsure how he knows this, but I know he is the real deal. A year ago, he may have had gaps in knowledge but in a year he has been in training and I haven't been. So he is more ahead of me and closer to God than a year ago, whereas I have no idea what my state is.

It is so useful to be away for a year, and focus only on study and contemplation. Qom and Iraq would never be right for me as a woman who is therefore forced to cover up in black and remain segregated throughout due to the presupposition that all we think about is sex, yet perhaps India or Turkey might bring me some relief.

I will open up to the Universe to take me away for a seclusion for a year to connect. Why not? it is another experience. Living in London, how can you do these things with ease? You have to go away somewhere. All of the teachers do in order to open up.

Choose to do fun things. I couldn't really say what fun thing I wanted to do in that moment.

It is okay.

The more we judge the sadness and negativity, the more it burgeons up sometimes. Because our ego is our unhealed inner child.

After all of this, I have realised that I will be choosing a slower union with God, a slower ascension in order to have a balanced life on this earthly plane.

I still haven't written that short story, the energy of creation has been at a low ebb for all that time.

I still haven't begun my new job due to subconscious blocking of it - the self destructive behaviours are still running, and it is hopefully going to shift.

"Once you take care of yourself, the other things take care of themselves..." My mentor has been strongly encouraging me to find someone and "have fun". Doesn't have to be a long term relationship, just someone decent to experience that very important part of my life that I haven't yet experienced. Relating to a man without being threatened by his masculinity. Relating to a man like he has a full range of emotions and experiences, just like I do.

But, where would I find such a man? I told my mentor I am not the type who goes on Tinder. He laughed.

The only man who came close this year was the nurse I met in hospital when I went with my aunt. And that meeting was literally three minutes, we both were smitten, he had to leave and I haven't met him since.

They say that you have to do a lot of work in preparation before you are i na place to be with the love of your life, or the lover for that time period.

But what if I arranged to remain single for this lifetime in order to become superly spiritual and amazing in that way, submissive and a powerful healer.

The thing I didn't realise is that, when I am single, I don't really feel that great and I don't feel like going out to help other people lead happy lives! I find my energy levels remain low when I am alone. People don't want to be around me, and I understand why!

Happiness is so key. It isn't found in a person, or an event. It is a frequency, just like beauty, just like clarity.

I watched an Abraham Hicks video today that spoke something similarly.

I have spent my life worrying about the state of the world, that my own life eked away into nothingness. I allowed my mother and my father's harsh and critical words chip away at my self worth, until I became so armoured I couldn't even recognise an ally when he came into my life.

I still blame my parents for not seeing me in a more positive light, but what does that do except allow them more power over me?

There are no more pedestals for teachers. We all are on equal playing fields. I am very much allowed to write how my current state is, even if it is heavy. Yet, that doesn't help the reader, does it?

So being single isn't conducive to my health, physical, mental, emotional, and definitely spiritual. Being desperate isn't conducive to anyone, either!

I have to let go. Of everything that isn't really true for me.

What is true for me is that, rather than looking to my mentor like a hungry woman in need of feeding, I have to ability to look within and find all those qualities within.

I find the truth in Rumi's sayings, but I have stopped living them in my own life.

As for this same old blog, with the same old circling material, I am unsure how to end it or progress forward with it.

It is a way for me to process my own stuff, and perhaps learn from it somehow. Maybe this one needs retiring. Divine timing means I will become the writer I wish to be when it is time.

The funny thing about my mentor is that the twin flame energy will burst forth when you need triggering. He reminds me so much of my ex, and it is good for this for my own growth.

Any desires I had to be with the twin (a lot of people keep saying the eclipses are going to bring truth to the forefront and no denying it, blah blah) has been dissipated after my interaction with the mentor. For it is interesting that I can't allow him to help me. That I became a bit sullen and withdrawn, when I don't wish to be. I wish to be as positive in mindset as he is.

And this is just a relative, a cousin, a soul mate, a teacher.

How on earth would I be able to cope with the real deal if I have not healed all I thought I had? Not really an option.

Well, I didn't meditate. But I did write.

Oh my Soul, let's change this to a lighter life. One whereby you actually remember what it feels like to have genuine fun, and you have it often! This continual spiral of ascension energies and tiring yourself out, it's no longer necessary. You don't have to prove you're more spiritual than anyone else. Because you aren't.

Practicality demands that you focus on finding a soul mate to live a good life with, so you can feel happy inside and spend quality time with a new loving male soul, unattached, without all the karmic sludge all previous relationships have had, and that means changing all the contracts and allowing the romantic karma to be healed in some other lifetime.

You are not strong enough, and this isn't working any longer.

"Learn to be Merciful to yourself..."

The minute you try to seek another person's approval, whether it be a mentor or a friend or a family member, or even a reader, you have given away all of your power once more and this will continue until you stop it.

So stop allowing it to happen.




This is probably going to be my last blog post on this blog for a while.

We shed the old and useless coping strategies and seek a purer way of being. I know how to write these things, but I am not incorporating them in my essence, my being. I am a husk. All that is false has been stripped away, and all of the hidden layers are now being shown so they can also be ripped away.

I thought I was doing okay on my spiritual journey, and my earthly journey, but I am not!

It is always a learning process. For me, I need to stop. And take stock. And take care of myself.

I can't go around with the mindset of saving or healing the world. It no longer is required, for everyone is waking up.

The divine masculine is now waking up, I am seeing it in my own family: my cousins, my father, my mentor, my friends and my counsellor.

No more feminine sacrifices needed or desired.

Twinned Souls, an unfinished story

Twinned Souls

an unfinished story (quite literally and metaphysically!)

Ruhy carefully stared at the palms of her hands. 

She turned them upside, and then the other side round, waving her fingers gracefully, as she had seen a talented kathak dancer do on stage at the British Museum many years ago. They were once again red with a rich, earthy smelling henna. 

She had patiently allowed the mehendi lady to choose a paisley rich pattern for her, and laboriously squiggle the light brown liquid over her palms up to her elbows. There was a part of her that snapped at her irritably, “Why are you giving into their demands all over again, like a bachhi? Keep your dignity and your power as far as you can.” 

Yet the truth was, she really loved the ritual of applying henna to her hands, to her feet, and had even calmly requested a tetrahedron tattoo on her left upper arm. It would all wash off in a couple of weeks, yet there was a graceful death of the patterns. She would keep the original paste overnight, sleeping with cellophane wrap around her hands and feet to keep it in place. Her mother would insist on a sugar water solution to dab on it (even though there was no evidence of it improving the quality of colour at all). In the morning, she would wash off the dried, dull brown to reveal a brazen deep orange on her hands, emitting a musky scent.

“Ahhhhh! There are some things about Indo-Pakistani-East African Khoja culture that I just love, I can’t help it!” she thought to herself as she languished diagonally upon the bed, swimming her hands like fish and flaking some of the paste onto the white bedspread. 

The room she was staying in was quiet, and therefore loud in silence. The dust fell in tiny specks onto the thick carpeted floor, and the lazy afternoon sun was gliding in a slant across the opposite wall.

There was a gentle knock on her door, and then it opened. 

Mahdi poked his head through, smiling and showing his gleaming white teeth. It was amazing how easily he would smile these days. “All done? Can I see it?”

Ruhy rolled over into a seated pose. “Yup. How are you coping? Are you okay? Have they driven you nuts yet? I have already shouted at my mother a few times, and I feel very ashamed about it, but it just…”

“… it just comes out?” he laughed. “Ruhy, you can only use that excuse another 5 times, and then it becomes obsolete! You know better than that.” 

He sat down next to her, and took her hands into his. He took a whiff of the scent and twisted his nose and quickly looked away. “Yuck! I honestly do not understand how you women love this mehendi stuff. It stinks so badly! I like the pattern, though. Very artistic.” 

“Thank you ji. I approve of your approval. You're stuck with the stink, as you call it, for the enxt two weeks, buddy. So suck it up!" She playfully teased him by sliding one palm all over his face, and he recoiled in mock horror. They both began giggling uncontrollably.

"So, tell me. How are you coping with everything?”

He was silent for a long minute, as his body language softened a little. He leaned closer to her, and placed his somewhat heavy head on her shoulder. She let out a little sigh. She really felt this sense of being at home when he let down his barriers and showed her his vulnerable side. 

“I dunno. I really don’t. I mean, I have been to Iraq, Saudi and Iran, and other places, so it’s not as though I am inflexible in that way. But being here in Karachi, it’s something I haven’t done before. It’s a learning curve, definitely. It’s just a different place. Your family is also quite different, the people are very different. It feels a bit heavy, though, do you feel like that? I find myself struggling to think straight sometimes.”

She nodded silently. Yes, she could feel the dense, heavy, sometimes manic energy of the city, with its billions of people leading very busy, cacophonic lives, unmindful perhaps of the other realities that were just as apparent to her as this one. She still didn’t understand how she had lived here her entire childhood, and had survived it to the extent, she had many happy memories. 

“Yeah, I can’t understand how you lived here for so long. You don’t fit in here at all! I know I don’t!” he almost purred like a tomcat. “I mean, your cousins, I get on with, some are intelligent to, as are your uncles. They are very amiable. And sane. But other than that…” 

“Yeah, well, as I’ve said, in Pakistan, there are so many paradoxes, it does your head in sometimes. The most generous people in their nature, especially in Ramadhan, yet sometimes they can behave as the most ignorant in words and actions. It’s crazy, chaotic, and I never found my footing here at all. I love this country with my heart, yet I don’t have the inner strength to live here. Not in Karachi, at least. My friend Redha… you met him... lived in Lahore for a year, and says that’s the best city in the world. I haven’t been to Lahore yet. It will be fun for us to go together after our nikah! A relief from all of this bakwaas, to be honest.”

Mahdi moved so that he was lying on the bed and his head was now in Ruhy’s lap. Ruhy was finding it difficult to keep her hands straight and aloft above his torso as the henna dried, but she didn’t say anything, in case it triggered one of Mahdi’s dangerous sulks and silences. 

Twin soulmate ducks

                                                             *******

so my story needs to be something else

I have come across a short story competition. It is not the first time I have, yet now is the time for me to write once more. My ego is slowly (or rapidly, depending on the perspective) allowing the light to come through and for me to be back on track.

The point of this, as always, is not the short listing, of the thousand pound prize.

it is that I am getting to become alive once more.

A ten year death is along time to be dead, not alive, aware and also unawake.

Ten years, a lot has not happened to me. A lot has happened to others, and I sat by in the wings, watching them move from strength to strength, all the while chipping away at any self respect and assurity I had. The heaviness in my brain and in my heart was just massive for years, and some days in the last three weeks, it has been the same.

I have been under a self imposed house arrest that seems very indulgent. But I honestly do not know where to go, what to do. Why run after things if you know you won't progress?

Ever since I told him to leave me be if he can't find the courage to talk to me, he is constantly around me in the ether. I can feel his soul near mine, again. Sometimes, it merges. Not because either of us want it consciously, but my soul knows she has delayed her kundalini for a long time and it is no longer acceptable.

My life and experiences are of the mundane type, not the kind that I would announce to the world. I am more old school, I preferred the days we wrote letters to each other, I crave the time when I used to type on a typewriter.

I am remembering my mother's side of the family a lot more. I miss my grandparents, they were not afraid of showing me love.Tears fall down my cheeks at night as I remember the feeling of security wrapping around me like a blanket with my nana.

So, the real world, with all of its issues and challenges hits us in the groin every day. And I may have gone back into some sort of denial or avoidance in order to keep afloat for this time.

2017. Easier year. In the sense I can breathe, and my twin finally communicated some semblance of sense to me, so I know that I wasn't insane for seen years. I am remembering who I am, and seeing old friends dying out of my life, never to return - yet, I am alright with it at some level.

For the one who created such a complicated portrait will need to make some essential edits, or they are made by the Universe. I didn't end my friendship with N, he did. And in a rude manner. As someone else had said, I ain't got no time for that no mo'.

So, this short story.

I opened up a blank new sheet and the twin story poured out. I have written the ending. It wrote itself years ago, when I was unawake yet craving to become a famous and celebrated, adored author.

Up until this morning, I thought that would be my contribution to humanity. My twin soul story.

And then I wrote on paper (as my cousin has told me to do daily for ten minutes, along with meditation) and this is what my soul said, higher self, someone.

"it is not as though he wishes to leave her .. 5 saal jo saath mein guzre hain ... so he met her in? 2003? or 2006? 9 years, f***.

"i can't compete with 9 years.

"i can't write about someone i don't know,
something i haven't experienced
 at least in this life time

"he hides from me because he hides from himself
"over the last few years, I closed off myself because it was not helpful

"even if he had dreams, why are the others ridiculing him?
I didn't ridicule him...

"so my story needs to be something else...

So, since my story will be something that I actually have experienced, and since this particular story is more fantasy and more sadness than triumph, I have asked for guidance on what to write about, from the title to the form, to the actual scene and words.

I've lived in four different countries, have visited 5 others, I am sure somewhere inside of me there is a little treasure trove of snippets that weave a story fit for consumption for the masses.

i am aware that my introversion makes my writing very specific, and the severe depressive episodes means that my writing has been very negative. It is the result of unprocessed emotions, Scorpio energy, and just a lack of being engage inside of my own life.

You know you need to address your internal energy when you stop going out because people are beginning to annoy and aggravate you again. Pushing and shoving with such disrespect.

I have decided that, irrespective of whatever is going on with me, I shall go to the park today. Say merhaba to my arkadaslar orduklar.

The river Wandle has been so very healing for me, I sometimes can sense a faeirie presence around me and I express my gratitude that the world of the unseen is once more opening up for me. You come to a point where you just write what you need to, say what you need to, and trust that it makes sense to someone.

The world of blogging that I tried to enter into last year, I wasn't ready and I still felt I needed to remain superficial, and hide. To post every week, manage the posts and the audience.

But, tell me, would a free soul, a Sufi, one humbled towards the universe, really expect such continuity? Maybe that is why I am more a story teller than a blogger.

My posts are dark, and sometimes very furious.

I saw an article yesterday by The Independent, informing us, oh by the way, a huge iceberg has just sectioned off and broken away from the Antartic. I looked at the article and wrote, what can I say?

We just stand and watch Pacha Mama transform. There are those of us who have the energy to stand up and do something, whether it be bringing supplies out the homeless after fire breaks out.

And some of us, such as myself, wish to be there, but have difficulty getting out of bed (again).

So even the ifre against the world and it's chaos has died out. We stand and we observe.

My cousin helped me a lot in the last two weeks, healing me and supporting me as much as he could. He still hides from me as well, I think yeh koi khandani bimaari hai in my soul family, hiding from each other so we can't trust one another fully. We don't know how to be fully and truly vulnerable, and more importantly, to be okay with it.

He told me the following, and I accepted it without a fight:

I have decided to publish in a separate post what I wrote in my first draft for the short story. If this is the only place I have to unpack all the baggage before I can truly become a writer someone wishes to read, so be it .

We are always growing, always unpacking.

I can no longer pretend I will ever become perfect, but I can allow myself my own self acceptance of who I am and where I am at this precise moment.

And I dedicate this to all of humanity, so we all learn this now.

Make everything in you an ear | Jalaluddin Rumi

Make everything in you an ear,
each atom of your being
and you will hear in every moment
what the source is whispering to you
without the need for my words
or anyone else’s.

You are, we all are, the Beloved of the Beloved.
And in every moment, in every event of your life
The Beloved is whispering to you exactly
what you need to hear and know.
Who can explain this miracle?
It simply is.

Listen, and you will discover in every passing moment.
Listen, and your whole life will become a conversation
with that between you and the Beloved
directly
wordlessly
now and always.
~ Rumi

If it were easy to believe what you believe... | Curated post

“Greetings. We are the Arcturian Council. We are pleased to connect with all of you.

In the awakening process, you usually encounter some resistance from outside of you. This may come from friends or family members. It may be that you are leaving behind a faith and those who still believe in that particular faith are upset. Whoever it is that is resisting your awakening process, they are doing so because you asked them to before you incarnated.

You wanted to have a voice of dissent in your circle because you need that in order to solidify what you are moving towards. Sometimes you need someone else to resist you so that you can dig in your heels and be absolutely certain that you are moving in the right direction for you. You don’t have to take anyone with you on your journey, but many of you want to bring your friends and family members along because it can be a lonely ride.

You can find yourself wanting to connect with other individuals who know what you know, and it may be challenging for you to locate those individuals, especially if you live in a small town. Again, the process of awakening as an individual is something that you choose to do in spite of the opposition. Even though it would be easier for you just to remain as you were before your awakening, and it would be easier to fit in, you must be certain that you are on the right path for you.

If it were easy to believe what you believe because it was some sort of trend, then it would also be easy for you to abandon it. The sacrifices that you make to be different are necessary for you to be certain that you are following something that is coming from within you, something undeniable.

Your awakening can be messy and challenging, and can leave you feeling alone, rejected, and abandoned. But what you gain in the process is so worth it. You gain more of yourself. You gain a deeper connection to Source, to the universe, and to all of the other beings who are awakened within it. You create a network that spans the globe, creating a grid of energy so that others may join you when they are ready.

We are the Arcturian Council, and we have enjoyed connecting with you.”

- Daniel Scranton

http://danielscranton.com/

Re-Engagement Of Self

Solstice energies. I never really understood in my soul what these energies meant. I mean, I went to Avebury a few years ago for solstice, then went somewhere else to honour it. All that happened was heatstroke and, more importantly, the fact my ego was forcing me into doing these rituals that others seemed to master so well, yet my core issues had not been healed.

The day before solstice, was one of the hottest days in London. My mind felt it had melted, and funnily enough, as it melted, the heart was expanding. I have times when my heart is very open and the energy flows. And I also have times whereby my heart is closed, because the pain is there from various instances. People behave in such bizarre ways, it is just easier to block it all out.

What I needed to do is re-engage with myself. I have spoken to many people to figure out various instances in my life. What I have noticed is that everyone has their individual perspective.

And they are all, of course, spiritual people. Yet, we all are students of life, and our intuition doesn't give us that personal perspective that only a soul can truly know for itself.

So, I had to speak my truth to the twin flame. He had looked at my LinkedIn profile again on the 19th, and it hurt my heart. I am aware of what is going on, and he is oblivious. And it is, once again, the relationship you would never brag about. Never. It is something I never imagined to experience and pray that this phase ends on this last holy night of Ramadhan.

The Lord who created everything is truly very merciful. We cannot stress that enough.

Humans are humans, and even the older souls have certain complexes they are working through.

I had two healings on Friday, and on days when I find really lovely, genuine shamans and healers, I feel so blessed. I feel as though the universe allows me a peek into family and flow.

I said I needed to re-engage back into my life, as I feel disconnected very much so from almost every area of life.

It is not easy balancing becoming a sufi and remaining true to the authentic essence of the faith I chose to be born into - which is NOT a mistake - and balancing the healer, shamanic side of my light.

It is becoming clear I will be merging them both to bring light and healing and harmony and joy.

How this will come to pass is not my concern. My concern is self purification.

I broke my fast today at 3pm because I didn't want to be the only one not eating at a shamanic meet up and picnic. I feel that my empowerment needs work, as I have been very used to stating that ancestry has slowed me down.

But my tarot reading today told me that there is no mistake. Re-engaging with my ancestry seems to be the only way for my healing. Not denying what these roots are, these bones are. Owning it and allowing myself to be respected and loved and cherished.

One step at a time...

I just need to feel the energy in my hands and fingers all over again. I can feel the earth beneath my feet again, and was able to communicate truly with people today.

I may even go for Eid prayers tomorrow, and that makes me feel very happy.

The Sufi healer had told me I have three ruhaani inside of me, two were active and love listening to dhikr, yet one was very weak and needed to energise.

I let that be sorted out by the Creator of all things...

The night of Eid is very special for karma deleting and soul purification, so I will leave you, dear reader, to pray and spend time in reflection and solitude.

Re-Engagement of the Self is what will bring me towards fulfillment and peace.

It seems that I will need to spend time alone for this to happen, and then engage with the right people at the right time.

It is a great blessing that I now no longer feel that gnawing loneliness I used to feel only a few months ago whilst alone, or missing out on events, or healing evenings due to financial budgeting. It is because I am allowing myself to become whole, and more of my soul to come inside.

This is how it ought to be for everyone, yet we each take such meandering pathways...

More reflections will come forward.

Creating Impeccable Etheric Boundaries

---- BOUNDARY BEGINS HERE ----

I have a very profound confession to make.

Firstly, this confession is to myself, to all the fragments and parts of me who were relying on me as an adult to take care of myself. I haven't been taking care of you as you deserve, and for that I am truly sorry.

I have had very weak boundaries, or very strong barriers. There was no median.

When it came to people I love, my boundaries have become so weak, they have had many opportunities to emotionally blackmail me, diverting me from my path and, changing the course of my entire destiny.

I was meant to go to my cousin's engagement on Sunday, and I had been looking forward to it. My father pulled a back muscle on Saturday night and was in agony, I couldn't get the ibruprofen until Sunday morning and then he kept telling me he needed me to be home, in case of an emergency. It was his own stubbornness and lack of exercise that caused this, and he knew I had a meditation and engagement to attend. Guilt and patriarchal expectations interfered with my desires, and I stayed at home. I was unhappy about this, deeply unhappy.

I have promised myself to not repeat this kind of behaviour ever again.

On my birthday in April, I was so sick I didn't leave my bed all day. It was also coincidentally Easter Sunday this year. My father spent all day in his room, watching TV or listening to the radio or napping. He didn't even come to ask me if I had eaten any food, and I had no energy to get up. He re-enacted the same behaviour on Monday, yet it seems I am expected to leak my energy out to him, and to all males and females, without any question when the roles are reversed.



This is a difficult incarnation. I have a friend who envies me my UK citizenship and the fact that I finally escaped Pakistan and have been living here for 7 years. What this friend somehow refuses to acknowledge is that she has had many good experiences whilst living in Pakistan that I may never get to experience in this life time. Tings which make life richer and more meaningful, such as getting married, being in a relationship with someone who loves you, doing a Masters degree, earning a good living according to your talents as a psychologist and workshop leader, travelling with people as compared to travelling all alone. Functional, she even knows how to drive a car. There are many good points, and I pray that she recognises them all, when she is also taking stock at all the suffering she has gone through in life.

She also, having all of a sudden switch to disbelieving certain esoterical occurrences, denies that my having entity attachments in my brain and heart and womb since birth have had any influence upon my life whatsoever. I couldn't get out of bed at one juncture. All the friends I had, left.

Even now, I hardly get much respect from the friends I do have. It is, as my counsellor reminds me, I just have high expectations about human behaviour and interactions. if someone doesn't reply to a message I spent a good hour typing and heaps of energy and love on, maybe it isn't the fact that they are fighting their own demons, as a saying of Imam Ali was suggesting to me. Maybe it isn't that they are being rude, or that I need to feel insulted. I can feel hurt, and and I can feel anger.

"Maybe, just maybe, he's just an a**hole and that's all there is to it. It is what it is."

I stared at my counsellor in surprise before bursting into a wry smile.

"Yeah, maybe he just is an a**hole. I didn't really think along those lines. Because if I do, I will need to forgive myself for 7 long wasted years of hoping for a functional friendship with this person."

"From what you've told me about him, it doesn't seem like you were compatible, and you didn't get any benefit from him."

And, just like that, the real nature of a twin flame connection was unravelled and smashed to the floor, yet also acknowledged.

Energy leaks. Weakened boundaries.

Why am I mentioning this ex person yet again? I had finally uncorded, forgotten him and forgiven him. Then he wrote me a message that he wrote in a selfish moment, only thinking of himself, his comfort, his ego that needed a furious stroking in troublesome, uncertain times.

Once again, the narcissism in him refused to allow that perhaps, this was something he needed to keep quiet about, and chin up and carry on. Make the most of decisions, and let the poor girl BE.

Not to write 5 lines that would most definitely bring up some heavy grief and other emotions inside of me, just to rehash the past: in essence, he resurrected an almost dead mule.

Yet, that is what he chose to do. I, in my good mood, chose to respond with kindness and light banter at the earliest moment, so that I was just being a decent person to someone who meant a lot to me at a more innocent, clueless time in life.

The message has most certainly been read, yet this ex has chosen to not respond in the last three weeks. I know he wasn't in Manchester on 22 May, and so, he just doesn't see me worthy of responding to. If he misunderstood anything I worte, or if I sounded as though I was criticising him, then we can always clarify things. But, only, and only if, the person doesn't have major blocks, fear or some sort of ego agenda blocking him from behaving with kindness. This is the behaviour I am used to, and so it is taken in my stride, in the same manner we expect a Conservative government to blast us with unpalatable rhetoric.

I say all of this with compassion and love as the foundation. People are pure as souls, their behaviour is their responsibility. I hope I never become the type of person who is fake and diplomatic for the sake of being diplomatic. If someone tells you the truth with kindness, they truly value and respect you.

Rejection and non response has been a repeated behaviour over the last 7 years, which used to send such chills down my spine, make me cry nights and seek for forgiveness from God for past sins (which there are, of course.).

He corded back into me, and was constantly in my thoughts up until last Saturday. Up until I realised I needed to do something, because my entire week was wrecked as a result.

A friend called this classic textbook energy vampirism. And you know what the funny part is? I never, ever, ever recognised that this guy was sucking my energy for the last seven years.

I didn't feel he ever had a need to do it.

I felt that, as a soul mate, twin flame, there would never be any temptation to ruin me like this. He has absolutely everything going for him in the physical and material planes, including a wifey to take care of him. He has family, God and friends who are supportive, and his colleagues and maangers constantly rave about his professionalism at work on LinkedIn.

Yet, that is how it felt up until I did some powerful meditations to cut all cords and never allow anyone to do it to me again.

Becasue, trust me on this, I will fight this behaviour until they all leave me alone and stop cording into my energy circuits. All of them, every single one. I am also returning the favour tenfold.

In my utter naivete and not truly understanding the darkness of karmic relationships, I had attributed a lot to one person, yet didn't realise that the reason I feel so icky around the ex, and drained, and a bit doomed, is literally because he has been subconsciously draining me up until a year ago.

It is a very common human pattern. I have done the same, yet I will mention that had I known any better, I would never have drained another person's energy. But I didn't know anything, and so I owe many people my sincere apologies for doing so - I had very little energy inside of me due to massive soul loss. And this was the old way of doing things.

I expect that the ex still has substantial soul loss, and until he finds someone to help him recover them, a proper healer and shaman, or whichever method works for him, he won't know how to expand through this. Fortunately, it is not my duty or responsibility to provide any such services for anyone, until I have learned how to do it for myself. And even then, he is no longer my responsibility, because he gave up that privilege 7 years ago.

What's worse is that the entire Matrix feeds off of our light, too. There were phases in my life where I couldn't get George W Bush, Tony Blair or David Cameron's awful rhetoric about scroungers out of my mind, and it impacted on the huge delay on my applying for social welfare. So I was living in near poverty due to some posh Eton graduate voicing his extremely biased and false opinions about poor people. As well as not having any family or friend to help me fill in the form and take me to the JobCentre, when I was truly unable to cope with all of it.

Theresa May is doing something eerily similar, and it's taken a lot of courage and strength from within, plus looking to others who are more sane, to ensure that I don't fall for their false rhetoric and negative NLP and hypnosis techniques.

 _____________________________________________________________

We constantly allow others to dominate us, make us tame our responses, then we apologise when we don't meet their expectations, even though I am sure 90% of the time, I had no real desire to placate someone else's expectations.

It is a fact that hardly anyone meets my expectations, and so when they do it is a bonus. So why would I feel I needed to do the same, just because I am slightly more awakened than the other person, and have a little bit more healing ability than they? Everything else has been so variable, if I mentioned it more, it would turn into a proper whinging session!

All I've ever wanted to do since age 14 in high school in Karachi, sitting alone in the library at lunch time, is to excel in my skills, talents and abilities, to have the freedom to an active, good, intriguing life, to be free to travel and enjoy the blessings of this planet Earth, to help people who need support in the best way I can. I wanted to promote myself with confidence, to have some good friends who were reliable and relatively sane, and whereby the understanding was impeccable amongst us. I wanted to attend friends' weddings and celebrate the good stuff with them, their children.

I wanted a cat. I still haven't managed to even foster a cat!

There is so much that needs doing, I want to study for my Masters degree in this very life time, as well.

All those ambitions were made to collapse in 2010, when I fell in love with someone with profound soul loss, so I called him a phantom.

"You never trusted me. You never confided in me. You never respected me and you most certainly never loved me. What was there to marry?"

He may be an a**hole, and yet I am finally in a solid place to have so much compassion for him. He is not all there, and, as a result, his soul feels lost and doesn't know what his true reality is. Who he truly is, what is authentically him. There are not many people who know this, so he is definitely in good company. There are many challenges. Like my soul challenges, his soul challenges are stronger in energy than his talents, so it might or might not work out. Save for the grace of God.

I just assumed because he was a Shia Muslim, he would have some sort of sanity and compassion, some sort of humility and masculinity inside of him, a fatherly energy, that there would be some similarity and point of connection.

But I must realise that when a boy grows up knowing his father wasn't a good husband or father, and the father leaves when he is 8 years old, there are some very dark samskaras there. Wounds. Unhealed, still.

And, so, I continue to pray for him and for his younger selves.

Now I realise that the religion was his only saving grace, and it was programming that brought us together in a warped mutual attraction/repulsion cycle. If he didn't know certain Arabic phrases, washed after using the toilet and prayed 5 times a day and fasted, I would never have gone near him after the first connections.

It certainly helps that he is very attractive as a man, yet I have met other men after him with very similar features. The most recent was a nurse in an NHS hospital, who was actually kind and radiating such a beautiful light, I could only stare and smile at him in love and awe. There are good, sane people around, once we open up our fields to welcome them in!

If there are misunderstandings through the typewritten word, all that a mature soul needs to do is pick a up a phone and have a direct conversation. But if you only seek to suck the life out of a fellow soul, a female, a creature of God, an earth angel (if you will indulge me on this one), a shamanic healer due to past lives following a similar trajectory, well, this is my time for proper redemption and those boundaries are now very protected.

Sometimes, we allow people get away with a lot and we don't understand why. And then we cause havoc with others who nurtured us when we were little, and are finding it difficult at losing a daughter and gaining an awakened soul.

This needs to be re-balanced to help everyone separate the codependency and vampirism, and move into real ownership and the willingness to be left isolated, abandoned so we can face all the false fears.

The only genuine fear is fear of the unknown, and fear of death - which end up being the same fear. All other fears, traumas, complexes stem from that one fear. Trust me, I am deeply intimate with most fears known to man. I think my soul had fun experiencing all of it, as though living in the heavens had made me forget what it was like to be so basic and so helpless.

I am beginning my journey into shamanism, and Serpent direction (South) is the one where we really address the past, especially if we haven't before then. I thought I had, but this last month has shown me there is a lot that wasn't addressed.

A lot of illusions are being shown to me. A lot of shackles that the family and culture and religion and even people from university are seeking to put back upon me, every time I take them off.

It is almost relentless.

New Age websites and books don't mention this sometime relentless undertaking of the same patterns and shifting the same patterns.

It is a very good exercise in humility, yet I promise you, I will hopefully overcome all of this really sickening density. It makes me sick to my stomach some days, and then I have to use sea salt to detox.

These are interesting times, I only wish I had made a better future for myself than the one I am experiencing at this time.

Although I no longer subscribe to the holy book, it does mention that we all will be tried by the things we desire or love.

To keep faith and hope in these trying times, individually, nationally, globally - that is the grit the Creator is developing within us. To create a pearl.

My aim in the last 11 days and nights of the holy month of Ramadhan is to clear and heal and ensure I have impeccable auric and etheric boundaries, as well as physical and everything else.

I deserve nothing less than the respect and love I desire, the abundance I desire.

And so, we unravel everything inside of me that needs unravelling and create a more synchronous life.

Beginning now.

the way the Serpent sheds her skin // All in one go

Every night is sacred

The holy nights revered in the Qur'an begin from tonight
The heavens open for changing the inner turmoil
Clearing the density
Healing the wounds
Opening up to truth
Switching to a better loving timeline for ALL of us

These nights are coinciding with the solstice
They are nights of power

I was asked if I was going to pray for everyone
Inside of a mosque

I am home
Seeking to make my entire being a masjid
A sacred place
Visited by the angels, guides and light beings tonight
And perhaps visiting sacred beings and places multidimensionally

If you feel the Void between you and Creator
Ask the Creator to fill it
Clear the obstacles to Union with self, God, divine and others

Clear the religious programming for it really doesn't serve my spirituality.
Only those who Know, are aware of the paradoxical nature of my request.

I had gone to a Sufi centre on Saturday, and even there, I did not find my answer.
I found tears, prayer, and acceptance that
the shamanic way can mean being alone and
I am becoming the path I sought through others.

The whirling occurs within my cells, and within my soul.

Take me tonight, Lord, in full surrender
and also in full empowerment, so that when I wake,
I am as you like and all the old useless patterns unravel fully.

As for those who suffer, those who have placed darkness upon their heads
and inside their eyes, when there used to be Light,
I acknowledge their paths.

As for those souls who are in perpetual chaos (and there are too many to mention),
bring peace, homes, security, understanding and grace.

May our hearts open so we feel when a child in Iraq
is screaming at the dead body of women and children,
to the background of fires ablaze.

May we feel we are one.

There are many prayers in the hearts tonight.
Some are very personal and aimed for one's avatar existence.
Some are for all.
Some are whispered by the multidimensionality of existence.

Bless us with insight and wisdom. Alignment back to our spiritual path, and our worldly paths.
Let us not underestimate each other and may we cease to see as only human,
but also through the eyes of the divine.

Let us forgive and shed the past, the way the Serpent sheds her skin.
All in one go.

كن فيكون
Some mistakes are made daily, some so serious, they rip the fragmented universe into more fragments.


انسان خطكار هي

Bless all the teachers and saints, and allow the old contracts to end in love and new ones made that are good.

We seek the best, or even better.

May those who seek to attack the Light, be confused and distracted by their own selves and lives.

It has gone on for far too long, and a lot of talent has been abused, misused and wasted.

Forgive us our mistakes by guiding us towards impeccable living and guidance...

Let those who see this place as a place of suffering, be shown otherwise.

It will certainly make my relationships easier!

Freedom comes in stages

The Tower

Today, the thoughts are clearer and swirling in my head.

But only after I went for a walk in nature.

And it seems I am finally being freed from the prison that has engulfed me my entire life.

I can see clearer, the colours are brighter.

I can sense that there are some shifts that are perhaps unwelcome to the un-whole parts of me that were used to a certain way of being.

I got the Tower card in my future for the Tarot reading. I will be free, but much will be destroyed and turned upside down before that. I always seem to go for the melodramatic, but there is hope it will be gentle.

My throat glands are swollen, first it was only the left, then both sides, and today it is the left side again. My left hand side is in pain. The womb is healing the pain.

I read an email I had sent in February, before the soul retrieval. It does not sound like who I am at all now.

Awesome. Always happy to hear you're keeping well. I'm leaving for Iraq very shortly. (Please don't comment like you did when I mentioned Turkey, it's not fair). Is there anything you'd like or need from either Najaf or Kerbala? Do not hesitate to say, you know that I consider you to be my friend (I obviously have a very loose and warped definition of the the term), even if you don't consider me to be so. If I am able to get it for you, then I will - but I can't promise as my health really fluctuates etc and I'm with a group this time around.

That soul was so lost, a mess as my teacher said to me last month. "You came in a mess!"

The height of disempowerment, yet I couldn't understand just how much, and how to get out of it all. I am sure I still have a lot of work to do, yet it is time that God came to me and helped me, as He does for all of His loved ones. If I lack the faith, You must come inside of me so there is no room for doubts.

Breaking away all of the chains

 


I have finally given myself permission to be free... without the arrogance of previous shifts.

I have completed the most difficult, challenging 33 years of my life and the Saturn Return has done what it wished with me.

Those of us who only have experienced a benevolent universe have other things to experience when the soul is mature enough. Trust me.

Yet, there is no more heaviness, no more delay, and no more knowledge.

I am being wiped clean of all of that which didn't serve me. The world around me literally feels like a video game, one I wish I could debug and re-write certain aspects, such as my continuing to live in London, but until that somehow becomes an easy task, I just ignore the uncomfortable aspects of the life I created.

What I need is for my soul and my heart to burn for the divine and surrender towards servitude.

There are a lot of tests or choices to distract me from this, and I have had my time and nothing has worked out.

All the friends are leaving again, I am shifting and they aren't meant to be in my next stage, and that is fine. I never would have said this last year. I was just so desperate, without realising my true worth. And still have a few questions about the events of the past year, and I am sure that the answers will come to me in my dreams or reality, because there is no reason to hold onto the past any longer.

A friend of mine has said to me that she has fought such demons and survived them, she knows she has no fear now because she survived the worst.

I can understand that feeling now.

The worst is when you lose yourself, or you are told that you haven't been living in your body from birth onwards, that you made decisions based on programming and fears rather than yourself, and you go to someone for help, and they end up taking advantage of your trusting nature to do exactly what they said they were freeing you from.

And so, you crashed to zero every time.

As they say in Arabic, everything has been good up until now.

Abstinence

This is the sacred month, and this year it actually feels sacred to me, because I have less baggage forming a barrier between me and the divine.

I shall be going into spiritual retreat from today. For my soul has been craving this release and this expansion for ever so long, and everything has done it's best to belittle me and wear me down.

I created the challenges because they were needed.

Now they are not needed.

I have the challenge of having very programmed religious people telling me Islam is the only way forward, and that everything that is written in the books is real.

I have decided to let them be. I will not be Moses, telling the Shepherd how to worship God.

Whatever is right for a soul, is right for a soul.

Whatever brings you back to the purity of your soul, and the fervour that lights up your eyes and hearts, and makes you see and experience the unseen, do that.

I am unsure why I picked to be in such a religion that I do not understand, but there we are.

The more I unravel, the more is revealed.

With or without the person who was meant to be by my side for the last seven years.

I am sure that, in such extenuating circumstances, God will cut me some slack and allow me inside the next dimension regardless.

Until the next "for real" time

 

 

For every lack of human response

there is an angel whispering into your ear, 

or a flower beaming to you her light, 

or a cat meowing to you from your front garden

These days are days of INTENSE light and SHIFT. 

 

We are allowing it in.

Do not take human behaviour to heart, 

canim.

Look for the divine spark, 

and stay away from that which could harm you.

For the time for suffering is at an end, 

and the time for healing has truly commenced.

We all are experiencing our redemption, 

for years lost, and tears shed, and freedoms cut short.

The Light side always has the best cookies, 

it is just sometimes they taste like rice cakes!

For every human that does not respond to your love, pleas or wisdom, 

understand that there is a child there who wasn't cared for, 

and so he or she forgot how to grow up.

We will go through this until it stops.

It gets easier: 

have trust, 

do what needs to be done, 

experience the things you couldn't before, 

or that which you had to let go of due to constraints.

We must understand our true worth and, 

also, 

the worth of everyone else.

The craziness will end in divine order and timing

We snakes are shedding our skins for real this time. 

 

Until the next "for real" time.

 

 

29 May 2017

Twin Flame Forecast 29th May - 4th June "The Great Awakening" | Curated Post

http://www.twinflames1111.com/blog/weekly-energy-update/29th-may-4th-june/

Seems as though I'm not allowed to copy and paste the article here, sadly. So kindly click directly to the link to the article written by Cassady Cayne. It seems to resonate a lot with what's going on with a few people I have spoken to. Because it seems so amazing to see it happen in front of my eyes, I am posting the article here in case it resonates with other people.

We weren't crazy, the paradigm is shifting, the heart is opening.

Second wave, I don't think I met any of them, however I was one of them who went "online" last year, very late last year, December 2016.

Now it is time for a new wave of people to awaken.

Because you can see what state the world is in, and how many people need us to be awakening in order to be of any use. Now the poor fish in the ocean are swallowing plastic from microfibers, and being burned by the Fukushima nuclear waste.

It is a huge challenge, yet we each chose our challenges knowing we would succeed.

God is there, Love is there, eternal and unconditional.

For ourselves, first of all. For everyone, at some point. The heart has to become this generous to counteract all the separation that has been engineered for far too long, and I realise I was a bit gullible and fell for it all.

Never again!

I myself am going through a complete rewiring and deprogramming. I am dazed most of the time, and have fallen a bit unwell as a result. It has been so challenging in the last month, and also having so few people who would understand, or even empathise!

The past is being destroyed, and with that a lot of old relationships that were not good for me in any way. I leaked a lot of energy out, without realising it. It is a sign of growing up, finally.

The end is good, I am sure. Everything that has happened up until now, has also been good.

Peace out x