One Soul, Many Lifetimes...

Conformity

I begin, as always, with the name of the Divine, great Spirit, the one who has a thousand names. Each soul whispers to the divine in secret, yet in full view of others, we place so many masks and block the connection.

Conformity is ruining my current incarnation. I didn't confirm in other incarnations, and suffered such wounds, I don't wish to repeat it all over again.

Unawakened and insecure people fear Light. They have been given the power to destroy. They don't listen, they ignore medicine women.

It is 2018. Things ata greatly different.

Yet, I still conform.

I still run after people, who are good, but don't want to be in my sphere. The energies shifted since last August. I have to really open up and let go of all of the relationships.

I just scrape by, and these are not complaints; these are simple observations about my experience.

Heart-cording

I somehow met someone, online, we got on well. I sensed he was a soulmate, but it ended very quickly - because he wasn't willing to open to the reality that all connections are divine. All he wanted to do was sexxualise me. I told him to sexualise a woman to the exclusion of love and honour, this degrades her, and the soul connection. It has no foundation, and is a fear-based act. Which is understandable.

He blocked me, with very little respect.

Who wants to love and to be loved, with intense vulnerability, paradox, and no labels - real stuff - when we can live in fantasy of fucking and pounding or having our way? Blocking the very real emotions and regrets on mucking up our lives and having to rebuild from scratch?

Who wants to be reminded that one needs courage to let go of that which has become harmful BEFORE we go for something that is in our best? Our destiny?

His words and ideas, just like the others before him, were stained with Imran's scent, except they were even more eloquent than mine (such a turn on).

This makes me understand that it's not them doing it on purpose, it is still that malignant masculine trauma seeping through all the males I come across.

We are so very connected. I may not feel connected, and I forget to connect on a soul level first, but we are.

words by nayyirah waheed

He blocked me on social media before I had a chance to apologise. Do I have anything to apologise for? Yes. I wanted to give him a safe space to express his shadow, but he wasn't able to reciprocate. So my ego kicked in, and I told him unfiltered truths. I blocked the sex chat because he was cheating on his wife, and I was enabling him. This staining my own soul, and blocking my own path of integrity.

A friend of mine told me that I had made a mistake talking about spiritual things. That men can't handle it, and they reject and run away. Which hurts more because they reject your core.

I am certain this is now an outdated thought-form. Very much so. Just because we are naive and unaware healers, and just because we attract those who are in masculine darkness, does not reflect the fact that the rest of the world is moving forward. Male musicians, artists, filmmakers, thinkers, writers... The "right sort". The connected lot. They all exist - they may all be hooked up and married, committed, but they do exist.

I just randomly saw a Hassan Minhaj fan and the artwork he does. I was blown away. Especially since he not only lives in London, but he also lives in my very own neighborhood, has a cat and is a practicing Muslim.

His art is stunning. Find him on Instagram under the handle "mastahgram". This is an aligned soul; fully aligned with purpose and faith, etc.

We traumatised souls, who have had it extra difficult to let go and expand, whether male or female...

But they also reject their own truth.

I can't be with people who are too wounded, who haven't even questioned their beliefs, who don't respect women for whatever reasons, who haven't given themselves the freedom to "be".

I will continue to love him (I had corded into him, from my heart, but only into his hand; I was an option, apparently) because my soul's lesson is to transmute into love. Plus, loving people heals them and it feels so good. I still have a heart wall, and so need to demolish it piece by piece.

I refuse to carry any more crap into future incarnations, which I will then be paying a healer weekly to remove.

Do we even realise how much of another's life we are living?

These lives we lead, unless we are experts at energy removal in the moment, are not even ours.

And this, this, this, is the reason I must become a kickass healer. Not for any fame or game. There's no prestige in being an energy cleaner. Clearing crap that should never have continued from the point of inception.

I mean, it causes so much mess.

Reconnection to Self and to Allah

This is key. Everything else has fallen away. I swear, it feels like every year I go through multiple deaths. This is because I forget who I am and where I am going.

Last year, I allowed my ego to take over when I was planning to go to my cousin's wedding. From the moment I left home, my ego was in charge. The arrogance of having money, travelling, the delusional aspects of my going to a Pakistani wedding, the illusions I had around families and my links with them... And the ignorance I had around exactly how many attachments and entities I had...

I was overly obsessed with form. Delusional regarding expectations and what I was doing. Lipstick, eyeshadow, chuuriyan, clothing, mehendi, etc. I didn't realise what a humbling experience my soul had chosen, whereas on that same playing ground, everyone else had fun, grew and thrived.

But we need to go through these trials, and they propel us towards ourselves.

It has taken me so long to do Emotion Code consistently, to book a session with a bona fide, humble light language healer, to do more shamanic soul retrieval.

And, had I done it before the wedding, or before Spain, I wouldn't have been in such situations that disrespected me, that showed me up as someone with an empty cup, and having nothing to offer.

Even my cousin has left my sphere, the one who came to me in 2016 when I was so lost, rudderless (once again, the online guy had a vocabulary even better than mine), and bereft of hope.

Disconnection. From a deep, soul level. From first point of incarnation and I just added to it.

What I Truly Desire

I desire to sing in that free voice that is emerging, I wish to dance unfettered, with others who are truly in sync with life.

I desire to create a centre that is so much blessed with God's love, and architecturally a miracle. Loads of windows and trees..

We could teach healing arts, and people can do yoga and meditation, and pray, and shift.

I want to somehow be able to shift things on a fundamental core level. War, famine, homelessness, ignorance, the manner we treat starseed children needs to change.

The truth is, none of us, none of us needs to go through karmic cycles any longer.

I don't need to be so disconnected.

I am so disconnected, I forget to drink enough water, take supplements, go outside for walks, I forget everything that's good for me, but I will fight for others.

I am slowly feeling energy in the cells. My hearing is sharper, my fingers and toes feel more electricity.

And I'm still playing small.

Shamanic Journeying

I finally was willing to journey this evening. Went into the Chamber of Wounds, and saw my core wound, with all the other wounds trailing off of it.

Clear the core, the others will crumble like in dominoes.

Went into the Chamber of Contracts and vows.

All my contracts are outdated now. Cancelled all of them. All of this has tired me out, and can't move now.

Oh well.

Thank you for reading. Hopefully, there will be a time I will write once more, without the desperate desire for fame and reknown.

My current concern is that with all contracts expired, I won't have any family and friends.

Again.

But, I do have Coke Studio and Nescafé Basement.

And it's not always about having people around. It's about being the best version of oneself, of being there in the darkness of others (protected from now on) and doing the healing work.

It's scary.

I don't have skills.

But that's the current trajectory...

May I find it through. Kind of like Hassan Minhaj (what an inspiration).

Sheru

If I could find the time to find the Tarot deck I have hiding somewhere in my room, I am sure that I would have pulled out the Tower card today.

My Beloved creator, what secrets do You hide and then reveal, smashing it all up?

I thought I was in a good place. But then I realise that this ego of mine ensures that I delay every single good, healing session or action, it blocks it. I forget, or I distract myself by writing to strangers on Twin Flame forums, trying to persuade them to let go of their misconceptions, or on LinkedIn, trying to find some positive networking opportunity that would bring me my abundance.

It's all a smoke screen. Living weekend to weekend, not having souls friendships on which to lean on for love and support, not even BEING that friend myself because I can't cope, and most people I meet, I see their souls and the light and love, but that doesn't mean that there is a real connection.

My routine was changed for me in December and January. Majorly crippling flu that made me go a bit nuts. But at least it allowed me to book all the healing sessions that I have been denying myself.

And, the revelations. This is the second weekend my body feels as though a truck slammed into it. So much old crap that is stuck in my body. I can't speak for anyone else because our experiences are so varied. But my own body, my heart, my mind, my soul...

I've also finally removed enough to get things going. Finally sourced some plant medicine, need to journal every day.

I can divorce myself from the emotions and still see things from the condor's perspective. From soul perspective. This really is just ONE of my incarnations. It feels like this is the "s**t clearing" incarnation. That's all I've been doing, a lot of hard graft and little fun. Leaking energy, healing others through my life and my body and my mind. Portals, and all that stuff that I don't even have a conscious awareness of, eight years after superficially waking up.

I had a really awful panic attack at work on Friday, and that was a very humbling experience, because it was over a really silly mistake I made, and I judged myself and felt so much same. It was also in front of three colleagues of mine, which increased my shame.

I thought I was going to make a new friend, but the experience just showed me to have compassion for myself, the other person and circumstances, and to trust my radar.

These distractions are very valuable learning experiences, and luckily I don't even have to leave home and meet people whilst having them. This is such an introverted time for me, a time of massive self reflection and healing.

People are feeling the pushes and the discomfort, but most still distract and don't have an idea what's going on.

I heard about someone having just lost two young male friends to suicide over the Christmas period. The men are struggling a lot with the stuff, but so are the women.

It's no longer a gendered phenomenon, it's about who has the courage to heal and who doesn't.

I don't, I didn't, and then something awful or humiliating occurs, and I have to put my inner child back in focus. My self love in focus.

Sheru

Lion is a film. It is a divine film. It is a healing film. I began watching it on Wednesday, and cried and cried. It triggered something so raw inside of myself. Children are going through so much, as are the adults.

Now.

In 2019.

Now.

Then I had another Emotion Code session with my practitioner, and my inner child showed her a lot of things very traumatic past life that hadn't healed up until now.

Egypt, child, parents just dumped me in the street as a child and abandoned me. And I had to somehow survive. The police and adults tormented me, tortured me, harassed me, and I died of starvation. This is the second lifetime in Egypt, the first was with Imran - caused a lot of chaos, and died alone - again.

I'm crying as I write this.

It explains a lot about my fears. About being abandoned.

It explains why I used to be devastated every time someone left my life, friends, lovers.

Why I have closed my heart so much, I can't see beyond my pain.

Why I'm always scared of being poor and dying on the street.

Why I cry when I see that this stuff is being repeated daily in this insane planet.

Why I haven't felt safe anywhere on this planet, except in Najaf and Kerbala.

No child should still be going through this. No adult.

And now my life path has become much clearer.

I will work with the children, purely doing the healing work. Clear the emotions as I see them attach, so no one is living the life of a 34 year old but following traumas from birth onwards. Or past lives onwards.

There is now no need for it.

Anyway, what I must stress to the healers and the female twin flames, is please can we get over ourselves as far as the wound about being played a fool by a man or woman? Please can we?

There are bigger fish to fry.

All souls are one soul.

All of us are one soul.

All of us are from the same Creator and we need to do what we came here to do.

I would personally recommend Emotion Code as a good way to clear, and also Jane Ward as the healer. She's amazing, and very affordable compared to others equally good but expensive.

I now have to end, as the processing of this healing is continuing. I must sleep and heal.

I am grateful for this burden being taken away from me, my heart feels lighter, I am able to channel information a lot better, and I was able to do some shopping even though I did freak out towards the end.

Do the healing work until the time you are free. Commit to YOURSELF like no lover ever has or will do.

And be compassionate to all those who aren't on this same path, and those who will not choose to do this.

Because, it ain't easy. And I have noticed that souls have chosen easier and more flowing lives because they wanted a break to enjoy life. And sometimes be obnoxious as a result.

Such is the intricacy of existence.

Flood and Release

I have desired to put my words onto paper for a while.

However, Life has been experiencing turbulence, and I can hardly choke out words.

Daily, I witness with my soul the incomprehensible pain and suffering each human and animal is experiencing. This, of course, includes my current human incarnation.

I witness women who have not spoken for so long, and are now unable to keep silent.

People are still without homes, and yet, somehow, they are producing more children to be brought up in extremely challenging circumstances.

I've been under very difficult circumstances for the past three to four months. There has been no fun, no creativity, just a bunch of crap, to be very honest.

Misunderstandings like no other. Extreme energy loss, confusion. Loss of time and resources.

One positive thing is the ending of all these useless soul contracrs with people, specifically blood relatives. The love was always one sided. Now it is a peaceful distance we have, and energy will restore itself.

Being stuck in role upon role, circumstance after circumstance that are not feeding me; instead it feels as though I've returned to the ghost-like state I had come to London with in 2007.

Can a soul, a life, regress so much?

I'm amping up the healing that I have delayed. This idea that healing takes time is a fallacy.

I made mistakes with a particular Pakistani origin healer from 2010-2016 and am still wracked with regret in 2019, and mistrustful of my intuition and discernment? Surely not?

Delaying our healing only ensures we are living the lies for longer.

Each of my trusted healers can only help me with a part of this mess, but because I have worked with each of them, and have felt the deep, pure love and integrity that comes from souls who went through hell only so as to heal others in that same hell, I can see.

I see that I backtracked in order to become dust upon the path.

Real dust, squeezed from the core of my soul, plucked from my essence.

The prerequisite for this is one humiliating experience, one frustration after another.

Emotion Code has become my saving grace after figuring out who was the right person to go to for healing.

My intention is to refine myself to such a heightened degree, I will actually be able to shift the energy of a fractured soul remotely, without ever meeting them, being beholden to one another, and if not realistic, without their knowledge.

For this is what I am now seeing in my reality. Beautiful, empowered, powerful healers who are NOT afraid of their abilities.

And yes, I was finally guided to them the moment I asked God to stop playing the karma cards with me.

But even when I ask, I'll get a burst of real awareness, and then it fades away.

Right now, I'm feeling very liquid, and high after receiving the 6th and 7th Nusta Karpay shamanic rites of the goddesses.

That then fades away but for now, I feel clean.

Which is why I am expressing whatever this is, on here.

Right now, there is no loneliness. Because we opened up the third eye and the crown, I am currently swimming in a golden river of connection with Allah.

May I fall in love with Thee all over again. You need to regain my trust in Thee. You promised me so much over the last 8 years, and it was all illusion.

No one wants to accuse God of that betrayal, but my human self can only see it as such.

The last so many months, I have been so disconnected from you, the humans and their issues wrecked me.

As did my own.

Let's see how it goes...

Oh, and I finally had the courage to accept that I lied to myself for 8 years.

Imran isn't my twin flame. He will not enter my life in this incarnation again.

He used to be my twin, but since I prayed for release two years ago, on my knees, writhing, the timeline changed.

I'm now okay with the fact I lied to myself, or didn't get the correct alignment with current timeline.

His email to me two years ago threw me off.

Now, in retrospect, I realise it was a "petra", a test, and although I have grown enough not to take his behaviour as an indicator of my worth, I now realise all the time he said he was getting sacred dreams of guidance, I didn't get any dreams or guidance.

In genuinely connected and blessed relationships, both partners dream of one another. They both are connected telepathically. And the boy actually loves the girl. And the girl loves the boy, which I don't any longer. Not in that pure, demented, unconditional manner.

What a waste of my life... Really.

Such a big learning.

At this rate, I think I have made it to remain unattached.

Oh well, the learning becomes less messy with the no one else's life to mess up, or time to waste.



It makes pragmatic and logical sense, but I pray my soul dissolves the loneliness that this brings up.

Love In Darkness | Curated Post

✝️✝️✝️ Love In Darkness

With each experience comes greater learning and growth, learning to love someone in their darkness is one of the greatest lessons of all, it’s a conflict not many of us know how to face.

If we are focused on their darkeness we are pulled out of our light and that’s when it can become draining, it also creates an environment where the other person uses you as their point of light and steps out of their own alignment. Without realizing we disempower them by the underlying desire to fix them, it’s who we are, naturally we will bring light and people will always gravitate to that but if we aren’t careful we will be pulled into their darkness and rather than guide them through their learning we try to absorb and live it for them.

We don’t see people as they are we see them for who we know they are underneath but what we have to remember is not everyone is ready to be seen. Accepting people in all their mess and allowing them the space to heal and resolve is the hardest thing to do, trusting yourself enough to stay in your own alignment no matter where the person goes in that darkness’s is the lesson, your light will always bring them back but should you waver then neither of you can find the commonality required to heal the space.

Ascended Vibrations LLC
30 December 2018 at 13:54 ·

self expression

I'm finding it a bit easier to express to people verbally how I feel.

And at the same time, I am finding some really unhappy people taking out their crap on me, the last was a new mother who came to my workplace and treated me like a servant. The funny thing is that she was from what is classed as an oppressed ethnic minority. I just tolerated her, as my energy has worn thin with humans at this time.

This year has shown to me all the places whereby my ego has been grabbing onto things and people and experiences that are not for me.

Creativity has been blocked entirely, and I am working on healing some stuff inside of me, to help me progress.

As usual, I am alone in this, and lonely.

As usual, ghosts from the past come to haunt me in the silent, darkness at night. I speak to them, I tell them how I feel, there is no answer, not even to my "salaam".

I have been distracting myself with Indian cinema and Bollywood interviews. Makes me happy to a least be associated with Indian lineage, even if my own particular family's lineage is mightily f*cked up.

I have made some firm decisions, that I am now awaiting my dear Allah to help me finalise and materialise.

This will change the fabric of this earth, and grant me some everlasting peace.

Jab insaan itna thaktha hai dunya se, logon sey, umeedein jab sab khojatein hain, phir focus karna parta hai towards something that works better.

Haar maanne koi buri baat nahi hai.

We go back to the drawing board and take a huge rest, and then pick lighter challenges and come back down again.

In other news, I just learned that Sikhism is only 500 years old, and was merged a little between Hinduism and Islam. So interesting.

I like the energy behind Sikhism, feels very pure - especially when I listen to Ik Onkar by Harshdeep Kaur.

These are just disjointed thoughts - I've had the flu and it's kicked my butt again.Bollywood is keeping me connected and grounded.

Issi bandi ko zyaada inkesaari ki zaroorat par rahi hai... kya karein?

This song is my latest love - I just discovered it:

Dance In Your Blood...

I wanted to make another video today. It just didn't happen, again.

I am in a low place emotionally, so all that was coming out was a lot of personal angst and complaints. Which is perfectly allowed by the Divine, just very poor entertainment value for viewers.

So I took a detox salt bath with rose essential oils and herbs, and feel like I am a bit more inside my skin.

There is a lot going on.

I am finally becoming selfish. The more selfish I become with my energy and time, the more I succeed in something else.

I amde the mistake of going to a dinner organised by work management. I wasn't going to go, as I prefer to go out by myself. But somehow, I got encouraged to go by a work colleague, who seemed very loving at the time.

On the day, we didn't even talk to each other, and as much as I tried to be a positive person, I was rundown with what feels like flu, and it became uncomfortable as I really can't do small talk with people I have nothing in common.

I have to write it up as experience and a huge lesson about following my own decisions through, and not giving up my 2.5 hours and some money because of someone who doesn't care when I am sick, and I wouldn't trust to save me if anything happened to me.

Sigh.

Basically, the spiritual master will dance when they are bleeding.

They will be honest, and tell the truth about what their limitations are.

I have lost all the friends I made over the last two years. My physical and emotional detox isn't progressing. I am forgetting things, and have consulted someone I trust as psychic and working on clearing emotions that have tormented generations of my family's lineage.

And there's a lot more going on. I fail every single day.

Can one blame me for wanting to isolate and hide?

People are showing themselves to be even more disconnected from soul and heart, they are NOT in their bodies.

Anyway....

we dance.

And make beautiful patterns with the blood on the dancefloor.


Dance, when you’re broken open. 
Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. 
Dance in the middle of the fighting. 
Dance in your blood. 
Dance when you’re perfectly free 
– Rumi


Even the gift of articulation is muted at this time. I can't write much else, although there is MUCH to say.

Deeper Than That

 

 

Twin Flame Love Journey

6 hrs ·

Deeper than Love at First sight.
THE SOUL CONNECTION IS DEEPER THAN THE EYES MAY SEE AND PERCEIVE. It is what is seen beyond the eyes that triggers our remembrance. This remembrance comes in different forms throughout lifetimes which we’ve experienced as soul on our soul’s journey. You see, it isn’t simply our bodies that are on this journey, it’s most certainly our soul’s initiation which prompted our formation and our willingness to take on human form in order to fulfill some mission we signed up for. While we may not remember the mission initially, our souls most certainly do. Which is why many times as we travel though life, we may not understand the meaning for certain occurrences, yet in retrospect we learn the meaning of the experience. So what we feel, and what we perceive are usually introductions for experiences which have yet to materialize and the meaning usually involves a much broader scope because it is heavenly. In this way there is no such thing as failure, only transcendence, only the implementation of butterfly affects which will most certainly have their way further than the eyes may see because they are steadily fueled through and by soul’s intent.
THE SOUL CONNECTION IS LOVE. What is Love? It is the very energy which ensured our safe entry on to this earth plane. It is the energy that we recognize through connection. It is consistent, patient and steadfast. It gives our minds the ability to dream and our souls the urge to travel. It brings true meaning to our lives. And so, as we walk in Love, there are doors which continuously open for the advancement of Divine mission. I’ve often heard that God will not put on us more than we can bare; it’s often resonated as truth. For as soul, we are resilient, we are open; we want to know and stay in the knowing of God through expansion as triggered through our ascension process.
THE TWIN FLAME CONNECTION IS DEEPER THAN THE EYES MAY SEE OR PERCEIVE. It is that of Love. It is a mission involving dualism. Where masculine and feminine are defined as one soul with counterbalancing present within each and every soul in human form. The duality aspect from a Twin Flame perspective is that I feel my masculine aspect was masterfully placed within the psyche as a trigger for soul remembrance. As the masculine human form makes entrance into the feminine’s sacred space, it’s merely a subtle reminder or final snippet in a puzzle which consists of mutuality. The same may be said for the feminine aspect. He recognizes the divine feminine counterpart through the counterbalancing feminine aspect within the strength of his own masculinity. And so this phenomenon is as real and as sacred as the sun rising each day, and is as natural as the sun set as well. You see, all of this is being recorded, this whole journey, and I’m beginning to learn that as we transform in this life, the opportunity to create and co-create the journey of our choice remains the same. What we decide to create will remain a conscious decision until the very day we leave this plane. And so, may all we do align with the soul’s mission, in understanding that we are more than this skin, this hair or these eyes. While I do feel that these eyes are most certainly the windows to the soul. I can literally hear what isn’t said through them at times…~ Shameika Pearson

Breaking down the breakdown

VENUS RETROGRADE IN SCORPIO - update

This has been a very difficult week and month.

The good thing is that all the crap is being cut through with a silver knife and swift motion.

Whoosh! Cut.

Boundaries are being realigned, and I am seeing how many gaps there are in my life. How all of this has been something I create with the same mundane routine and thoughts and feelings of helplessness and disappointments.

I have made some empowering decisions, that are different from how I've made decisions.

No going places I'm not wanted, or where I will not enjoy myself - based on old programming.

Facing my fears, and changing the way I think, behave.

Opening my heart, and I am doing my best to be a nicer person.

My main flaws are judgement, an armoured heart, deep anger, lack of self love, a muted personality, no friends, stinginess, unadventurousness. There are more, but these are the ones that need to be unravelled in order for me to become a nicer person.

I keep falling sick, and when my energy is misaligned, then I make heaps of mistakes.

All the people I know who are on a similar spiritual path have had both great blessings and great challenges being thrown at them in exactly the same moment. We are projecting greatly upon each other, and I am doing my best to not take it on - to understand what my truth is, whtat the authentic energy is. Old souls are not infallible, in fact they are slightly more complicated and bling-sighted than I imagined them to be.

The heavy veils upon my head, and the control that people at work had over me - no longer the case. I have to consciously remove energies from my body, mind and auric fields daily - but the reward is I am me. And I don't feel I have to apologise for it.

I have had to look deep within my heart, and see all the old creepy crawlies, the intensity that is Scorpio, and ask God to fizzle it all out.

I have spoken up and said what was in my heart (or texted it) and if it's love, and the other person can't reciprocate, they are just in another world that doesn't collide with mine.

I am very close to another breakdown.

I just don't know why my connection to God, to the people I used to be able to even hear their thoughts, and see their faces in front of mine - all of it has been swept away.

It is a bunch of miscellaneous, mundane human stuff.

There is a lot of confusion. For example, when I went for a massive purging healing on 22 August, it was made very clear to me, with compassion, that I am imagining love for my cousin that isn't there. Romantic love. And yet, my love and affection for him increases. He fascinates me, and I think that's okay, as long as I don't romanticise it. We may still be spiritual twins, and have something spiritual and worthy that we can bring about together, because our values and our temperaments are quite similarly aligned, but my romantic parner is still a mystery if there ever will be one.

And I have am on my way to fully surrendering to this, because God is more important to me. My connection to God will come first. I idolise everyone if I get them before I get myself, and surrender fully to God.

All being thrashed out, so that I could hopefully begin my travels into this big, bad world and make things slightly better than when I came.

I need to go travelling this coming weekend. I am deep need of healing.

Let's see if I make it happen.

---

Plus point is someone kindly gave me their Netflix details, so I have watched Dev D and now watching Bareilly Ki Barfi. I know I will finish off Raees one day - a bit slow.

It's all a mish-mash of the old mundane, superficial self, and the real self who is being purified.

 I can't say much else; I can't be more eloquent about it right now.

At least I'm still alive, and haven't done anything drastic as yet.

That hasn't been a worry for a long time, up until last week. Work stress and people at work just flipping colours on me, it gets too much of the old crap.

For they know that love is freedom

Eventually we find someone
Or maybe they find us...
Who has no desire to change us
For they love us exactly as we are
Who has no desire to control us
For they know that love is freedom
Who has no desire to belittle us
For they yearn to see us grow
Somebody who communicates
Only in the vibration of love
Somebody who creates a safe space
For us to knock down our walls
And somebody whose only desire for us
Is that we follow our bliss
In this sanctuary of love ...
There is no drama
No criticism
No jealousy
No manipulation
No attack
No neediness
Only love
Acceptance
And freedom
When we find this somebody...
Or maybe they find us
We finally understand....
Why we had to go through all the pain

~Written by Karen Star

Writing to the Void

Perhaps we each are the most beloved of God's creatures, and because we fail to see what the truth of our souls are, we do not understand what mevlana said when he said we are the honoured guests, why do we beg for pieces, crumbs of the al-faani world?

It takes a lot for the infantile soul to mature, to shed the securities it created and made into tiny gods, to turn into symbols of stability and a measure of success and belovedness.

VENUS RETROGRADE IN SCORPIO

I began this blog - or rather, my first blog from which this one is the more mature, spiritual off-spring - during another Venus Retrograde, the one that was destined to pull apart my heart into so many pieces, I never thought I would ever come back together as a whole person ever again.


..... but I did.

On many days, it does not seem like I am.

I have lost so many things along this path to my Beloved, this meandering path, which I never realised was leading to God. How many times have I run away from God, I literally would rather self destruct, and destroy everything good in my life, than to face Allah as how He truly is.

EGO DISCIPLINE

To be honest, the ego annihilation process never ends. We like to think it will end, and that is why all these fake forecasts on how the light is now entering, and how people are in 5D earth, it makes the most gullible of us believe in yet another fallacy - when they talk about deception, it is this that we must be wary of as well.

Right now, I am in deep mourning over how many hours and years of my life I have wasted, but to not waste even more of my life in the mourning.

For someone like me, I chose the loss to occur in my daily life, the small things, the large things, in daily regular life, to teach me the way to God. That is the soul path, signature. Obstacles crop up, and you overcome them somehow.

Nowadays, I overcome them by detachment, and not caring. Missing something, losing something, not experiencing something: it is all just a game. How many days and nights do we lose in the craving, for yet another veil to God?

.....If it isn't meant to be, then it isn't meant to be. God is the prize, God is the constant.

Sometime in the years gone by, I was so mature and wise. I had all of this time when going through severe depression to be in my SOUL, to BE my soul, to have these chats and these wise inklings, that somehow connected to other parts of my past, the books I had read at university, the books I had read as a child, the experiences I had that were painful, poignant, and somehow meaningful then.

And now, we are in another Venus Retrograde, and rather than take the more convenient route and speak of superficialities, I know that this is another opportunity to gain a closer connection to one's self and to God or Allah. No matter how we frame it, this is still the holy sacred month of Muharram, and it is sacred and every day is a good day to attempt to self-purify.

So what if all the tickets at SOAS were sold out, and I didn't get to meet Arundhati Roy? I'll live.

What's happened to my BECOMING my own version of energy that I'd crave my own company, and not hers? Or anyone I look up to. Someone just messaged me that she is traveling back from London after doing a live show with Braco, the healer. I missed out on that as well.


She did tell me in advance he was coming, and I said I would see.


That's where the real mastery lies. Owning all of our created upheavals and failures.

But, nowadays, I am crumbling so much, I can't look myself in the eyes in the mirror.

I am unsure why this is repeating itself - is it just that I really dislike winter - or is it that there is jsut a lot going on?

There is more to write, but at this precise moment, I am choking up with unshed tears. My throat hurts in the pain of suppressed wails.

So I must desist, and cry out, sob out all the grief and disappointment I feel about myself and the life I continue to create.

At age 34, this is not where I saw myself. I had greater expectations of myself.

....but God humbles those he humbles.

I had to ask my cousin to telephone me last night, because I needed someone on the other side of the phone. So that this Void wouldn't devour me.

So the reality of my once again not having friends wouldn't devour me alive.

It is very surprising how many people I know who don't know me at all, and don't care as they used to. What surprises me more is how I don't care for them, either.

I've kept them close because they have been kind to me, or they are light workers.

But all of them have spoken out of turn, spoken a lot about themselves, or about my lack and my faults, and I've felt heavy and awful afterwards.

So each day, I cut them energetically out of my life.

Yesterday, I cut out people from my phone-book and from Facebook - and I am left with hardly anyone on those lists! That triggered the sadness and meltdown.

This world will become a better place - 

sadly, not before I leave it - 
but hopefully before I am reborn into it.

making me humble

We begin writing with the pronoun "we". It is a long journey to integrating and being absorbed by Him, so that I becomes We. But if we start with that intention, then at least He knows of it.

Someone wise told me God knows how long ago: We are born alone, and we die alone. We face our Creator alone. So why then do you feel the earthly life wouldn't be interspersed with great bouts of aloneness, as well as loneliness?"

I am in deep healing, after spending a huge chunk of 2018 distracted and seduced by my ego, the blindness, and this world.

It is only after I spent time during the family wedding, and I went to the fancy reception, and ate the best red velevet cake, and was surrounded by silks, jewels, and women wearing tonnes of make up, suits, ties, shiny shoes, arrogant business people, and men who didn't know the first thing about how to be respectful to a woman walking or talking - it didn't hit me then, but only when I was back "home", in my own bed, and safe and comfortable with my own thoughts, books, little things that remind me of who I am.

An uncarpeted floor. It's been uncarpeted for a year and a half now due my own dysfunction.
 

And it is with these draw-backs, that we can find the nugget of humility, the groundedness that is required in order to gain a little more proximity to our Lord.

It has been a long while since I have felt the urge to write, and even though I have the urge, and there is light within me and around me, there's still not a lot to be said at this time.

My heart opens and shuts at will.

I fumble a lot.

I have created such a difficult learning ground, a city called London is where I currently reside.

A lot of falsity has been exposed within me and without. And I let go of everything fake within and without.

Whereas before, being alone would be an immense dark cavern inside of my heart, I have had another shamanic healing exactly a month ago, after Eid prayers (which I missed), and it filled me up with more light.

Now, I feel whole from within - not entirely, but enough to know that my own solitude is comfortable and even desired.

For soon, I will be absorbed and I will KNOW the sacred divine intimately.

He only comes when we are open
                                              humble
                                         and alone

P.S. I finally came across new music that would be sacred and would heal my personality. Isam B's energy is so lovely and divinely guided. He also reminds me of my cousin, a very similar energy. I'm in love with Isam's voice. It's very powerful, feminine, yet grounding and masculine - all in one.

At least, that's the best I can describe it for now.

I was devastated when I recently discovered that Outlandish disbanded an entire year ago. I had to grieve, especially since I never allowed myself to attend any of their live concerts. And now, they are as blessed as solo artists as they were together.

There is a lot that has occurred, and will occur.

I trust that the correct words will fall upon these pages in the correct manner, in the right time.

May our Creator free each of us from suffering, and align us with His will and with our Souls.