"...not really healing"

This quotation is summing up what I am experiencing now.

"I don't care how many mantras you recite and for how many hours or how many fire pujas you purge your sins into or how many jumping jack kriyas you do or how fast you can do Breath of Fire or how many sound healings you've been to or how often you pray or how much plant medicine you do or how many holy temples you've set foot in--if you are not doing inner work, you are spiritually bypassing. I have observed this in so many people over the years going in and out of yoga studios and healing centers--including myself. People who aren't dealing with their shadows and traumas thinking that the crystal wand will make it all disappear, are not really healing. They end up projecting their unconscious wounds on other people or blaming demons/spirits and giving their power away by constantly relying heavily on entities or gods or other healers."

~ Mayari Riversong

I don't feel the need to expand upon this further.

I'm dedicated to doing the work now.

So I shift from self destructive, disempowering realities to one that really helps me be myself and happy.

And that means sitting in the mess for quite a while until you've cleared it all up. And not ceased.

Fall down twice, get up thrice. Even if it's after a year, get up.

This time, I know that I will only be able to survive this life by God's grace. Everything before now has been total illusion, and frankly, a huge waste of time, effort, energy...

Well, perhaps not entirely. At least, I can sit in public without having panic attacks. This wasn't the case a few months ago.

Song of the Soul

I am neither ego nor reason, I am neither mind nor thought,
I cannot be hard nor cast into words, nor by smell nor sight ever caught:
In light and wind I am not found, nor yet in earth and sky -
Consciousness and joy incarnate, Bliss of the Blissful am I.

I have no name, I have no life, I breathe no vital air,
No elements have moulded me, no bodily sheath is my lair:
I have no speech, no hands and feet, nor means of evolution -
Consciousness and joy am I, and Bliss in dissolution.

I cast aside hatred and passion, I conquered delusion and greed;
No touch of pride caressed me, so envy never did breed:
Beyond all faiths, past reach of wealth, past freedom, past desire,
Consciousness and joy am I, and Bliss is my attire.

Virtue and vice, or pleasure and pain are not my heritage,
Nor sacred texts, nor offerings, nor prayer, nor pilgrimage:
I am neither food, nor eating, nor yet the eater am I -
Consciousness and joy incarnate, Bliss of the Blissful am I.

I have no misgiving of death, no chasms of race divide me,
No parent ever called me child, no bond of birth ever tied me:
I am neither disciple nor master, I have no kin, no friend -
Consciousness and joy am I, and merging in Bliss is my end.

Neither knowable, knowledge, nor knower am I, formless is my form,
I dwell within the senses but they are not my home:
Ever serenely balanced, I am neither free nor bound -
Consciousness and joy am I, and Bliss is where I am found.

Sung by Sankaracharya in his Atma Satkam.

in this there is inherent blessing

I developed an interesting theory today after having an interesting day: your gifts that are given to you, are then taken away from you, and in this there is inherent blessing. As you dig within to find your power and bring forth the embers from a zero point.

Yesterday, I woke up in the morning a bit more relaxed than I have been for quite some time. It is the result of doing the Lesser Banishment Ritual of The Pentagram by Aleister Crowley at night, and feeding my first and second munay-ki rite, because if I hadn't shifted some energy, I thought I would burst.

I settled into meditation and breathing, and almost immediately I felt the energy of my ex intuitively. Sometimes I hear his voice. For some reason, I keep thinking he, too, is going through some great tragedy and challenges as I am, only moreso because he is finally waking up for the first time (yes, I now see the seed of spiritual arrogance creeping in to beguile me, but it feels so real whilst we are in it. Who am I to have an opinion about anyone else's levels, when I drop so readily myself on daily basis?).

So, I asked myself, if you want to write to him, is that what your heart wants? The answer came yes. So, I did a really silly thing. I wrote to him. And I told him exactly why. It didn't feel silly at the time, because I could feel his auric field, and it was welcoming and soft. Loving, even. But in real life, this is the latest in a string of silly things I do when I read too many twin flame forecasts, which I had stopped doing, and then started again. They kept on banging on about how the portal was opening for reunion. I deluded myself into a sense of false hopes. Yet, I did what I had to do. I felt better for writing the email. I didn't check if he read it or responded.

And a few hours later, I asked myself, "why the HELL did you do that? You know how silly that was?" I gave myself a good talking to.

Yet, this story ends well. It is as though, having written to him, something very old, faded, torn, broken was released from me.

"You silly, it doesn't matter. He's not in your life. Where is the reality in all of this? Where is the power? It's not even as though you WANT to be with him, is it? SO THEN? Why do you write to him?" (Uncontrollable impulse). And all of this was done before breakfast.

A treasured friend then helped me do a healing for myself to clear some emotions. My heart was blocked, and it was grief over how many times I have been rejected by men. A past life pattern of never getting the guy. Let it all go. Feel so much better now. And today, some cord released from my spine, similar to an implant, and all that I did yesterday seems like a far away dream, something I did when I was younger. Not yesterday.

Usually I would feel shame and anger at myself, and I did feel a little bit, but now I know there are other things to focus on. My friend is a very powerful healer.

This reminded me that, whilst I've been avoiding the issues and looking to reflexology and EFT tapping to help me feel better, I realise that doing a proper body release of the emotion will benefit me more. More than even meditation perhaps.

So that's just what I am going to do now, to clear the patterns.

After my cousin did such a powerful healing for me using Reiki, I'm going to revisit the symbols and start healing myself and my environment with them.

This is the blessing.... my ego made me believe I was beyond the methods, until all my wisdom, knowledge and awareness have been muted.

So you go back to basics. Real basics. And never overstep the boundaries or the journey.

I told my counsellor that I didn't mention to him the fact I had romantic feelings for my married cousin. The reason was shame, and the ridiculousness that again I fell for a married man. For it is therefore not meant to be. So he asked me, why did you feel you could tell me now?

And that was because I had told myself in affirmation that it is okay to love someone and them not love you back. It is about you being a loving and demonstrative person, and finding a connection with that person. You validate your feelings and yourself. The other person's response is their own issue.

Especially since nothing will ever happen. And we wouldn't be compatible, my ego would constantly compete with him to be more gifted a healer. And because I wouldn't be more gifted than he is, or wiser and more knowledgeable than he is, I would feel frustrated. Best he remain a mentor. And hopefully a friend/brother.

So I realised that the moment you OWN your feelings and your darkness and the "shameful" aspects of your thoughts and behaviour, the sting goes away. There is no good or bad. It is as it is. You feel bindaas, free... the old matrix collapses in front of your eyes, you breathe easier, and you start to dance to Daddy Yankee again.

After seven years, it still feels like a brand new concept.

Hopeful

I'm a huge stand up comedy fan. Huge. It is necessary, since my own personality is more phlegmatic and melancholic.

Until recently, I limited myself to a few old favourites, such as Eddie Izzard, Michael McIntyre, Trevor Noah, Omid Djalili, Dara O'Brien, Russell Peters, Imran Yusuf, Tez Ilyas, Mo Jobrani, etc.

And then, YouTube recommended Indian stand up comics called Varun Thakur, Daniel Fernandes, and Kenny Sebastian. And, now I've discovered an entire new universe of stand up comedy, which clicks even more with me because of the desi accents, and talking about lotas, bros, chapatis, rikshawalas and bhen****s.

In a way, it also distracts me from what feels like another dark night of my soul. And mind.

When the ego dissolves, it truly just dissolves.

So, what I wanted to write about was Omid Djalili. I was in the library on Saturday, pretending to be productive on my laptop and avoiding the hordes of electronic music lovers who suddenly SWARMED Morden for their annual music festival (unbeknownst to myself and most of the aging population in Morden). My auric field needs major work, I almost felt like I was suffocating as I tried to bypass them. Need to flex my auric muscles for the time I get to Glasto.
 
As I was leaving the library, my eyes glanced upon his autobiography. My first thought was, dude, seriously, you're not that old to be writing an autobiography. My second thought was, this will be funny, maybe I'll be able to read and actually finish this one. The words look easy and manageable. And then I saw some Farsi words, and some Rumi quotations and I was hooked.

Image from www.lifeonaPost-It.com

It's funny to me how, I call him Omid in the English accent and didn't even stop to ask myself what his name actually meant! Linguistically, it's pronounced "oh-Mid". Obviously, in Farsi and other Eastern languages, it's pronounce "uh-meed" or "oh-med", which translates as hope or hopeful.

Lord knows, I can do with some of that at the moment, hence my addiction to stand up comedy routines at this time. 

The best thing about Omid Djalili is his honesty and open heart. It comes across in his comedy shows, and it came across in his autobiography.

End of Chapter 2, to be precise.

"One day I ran up the stairs and knocked as usual, but was confused to find a strange older lady instead of Sarah's mother.
'I'm sorry, little chap, Sarah doesn't live here any more. She's gone away.'
I felt a sharp, sad feeling in my throat and a lurching sensation in my stomach. For a brief, deluded moment I chose to assume 'away' meant an actual place. I asked when he was coming back.
'She's not coming back. They've moved.'
Some important lessons were learned that day:

1) No one tells me anything
2) Girls could not be trusted
3) Life is unpredictable and full of unbearable shocks
4) A pink corduroy bean-bag is no substitute for a best friend
5) I'm going to have abandonment issues when I'm older "

From Hopeful, the autobiography by Omid Djalili

Omid was four or five years old at the time.

I just feel amazed that he was able to pinpoint his wounds (he sounds as though he's had some help from a counsellor to pinpoint the abandonment issues). Most of these issues resemble mine.

The fact I substituted "girls" with "boys", made me realise that actually, both can be equally trusted. Gender is not the issue here, our perceptions of reality are the issue. Our messed-upness, brokenness, perceived or valid, is the real issue. And once we know we can place our feet upon the earth and not feel scared, all is well.

But to get to that knowing, we each have a different path. Life happens, and unravels you sometimes back to square one. Especially in eclipse season.

Reading about someone else's innermost thoughts can be a huge relief, as it makes you understand you are not alone in feeling or thinking certain human things.

That's the same with counselling. I only have two sessions left. I still don't have the skills that it was meant to train mein , such as self reflection and asking me if things really are as bad as they seem, but it has been good in making me realise that it is okay to be a human and make mistakes. Even when I repeat them many times.

It is okay.

I have also made a realisation that I would make a rubbish counsellor or therapist, and so I let go of any expectations to become one. It is a huge relief.

Omid. Hope. Optimism.

Things can't remain this heavy for long. There's an entire universe to explore and experience.

Places like Colorado, and California and places in the UK that I still haven't been. Ireland.

Once I've somehow managed to heal myself and my heaviness, I'm doing all of it. Getting the funding and travelling.

Hope.

Let's just end this blog post in hope.

a subtle truth, or two

You really cannot force things, and this is what I will learn. You can't force family to be family. Friends to be friends. Lovers to be lovers. Jobs to be jobs. Opportunities to become opportunities. Understanding. Spiritual advancement.

You cannot force them. You can release them to the winds, the beautiful, gentle, wise winds... as everyone and everything is free.

None of this is needed when you truly accept the Creator as your support, the earth as your mother, the sky as your father, the stars as your siblings, the grasses as your carpet, the animals as your friends.

I have been stuck in this limbo for two months, not much use to myself nor to others. It pains my heart when I am useless to others. And yet, I keep ensuring that I am.

The rivers cleanse me and then I feel better.

This eclipse is solely to release the impurities that we accumulated, even if we really think they are good.

We can open up to our kheera, and I wish for myself at least that I understand that what is good for the soul will usually NOT be good for my ego and my ego will feel fear and panic and kick up a fuss like a trapped tiger.

When the people who used to respect you, stop respecting you in the name of their own peace of mind, it is time to ask yourself why you have stopped respecting yourself. Why you still feel as though you are worth less than what is your birthright.

Understand that people are very psychic and pick up on your limiting beliefs and energies and respond to them mostly, unless they are more powerful than you are in spiritual purity, and can sidestep it and bring in much love.

People think I don't know. I went through a divorce 7 years ago and have only now felt as though I am at peace and ready to move forward. And I only allowed myself crumbs of a romance... the dredges that could be begrudgingly bestowed upon me.

But who cares if I understand, when I make a mistake, it blows up and hurts me more than the other person, because I felt compelled to say something helpful. It wasn't helpful.

Even when your soul is so strong, you can still insist with God to make life easier. You can. We don't need to finish off all our karma in one hit. Life is a blessing, being on earth is a huge blessing, so let us enjoy it and allow ourselves to see beyond our limited viewpoint of what we WANT.

There have been things in the past I saw clearly but I doubted myself and butchered it all because the others didn't see it, or made me doubt myself. And this is why I am no longer seeking to become a teacher, or a counsellor. It is not for me.

I have always wished to sing professionally, play musical instruments and dance. And all of these things were kept away from me in the name of God, modesty and "no one will marry you".

I remember being so obedient, I threw away my recorder into a hedge when I was 9 years old, because I felt I would otherwise NOT be pure and acceptable to God.

Interesting how this occurs. When people ask me what I really want to do, I can't tell them this is what I REALLY wish to do, because of fear of being ridiculed, judged.. and also, I feel how on earth can I do this, and isn't it too late and x y z...

Well, see, we all have dreams and desires that do not occur. We set it up for ourselves to LEARN and if we don't learn, then we repeat it in a louder tone.

I remember that Imam Ali (a.s.) has said, "I do not know what to thank you more for: the blessing and desired outcome that You bestowed upon me, or the desired thing You insisted on keeping away from me. In both cases, You have deeply honoured me." I have taken artistic license to paraphrase the words, and keeping the essence intact.

Just FYI.

As I told my probable twin flame, a real Sufi welcomes the thorns with as much enthusiasm as she does the rose, because they both are destined and from God. Everything that comes from God must be good, everything that has happened up until now has been good.

We have the means to improve upon it, for sure, with awareness and with humility and gentle kindness.


But it takes a truly advanced and proper gangsta soul to REALLY feel this in the gut, and the heart, and the cells, and the eyes, and the ears, and the throat, and everywhere else.

I certainly am not that pure yet, so I must refrain from telling this to others.

Even though I can see, and I DO see.

Because this sight causes much pain to self, I chose to shut it down. It isn't pure, yet. there are many filters still there, blocking the truth of the truth. There will be a way forward for us all. I will regain my eyesight fully at some point, because it is very much needed for many different things!

I know, same as anyone, that you don't need to believe in or know anything in order for it to still impact you. I didn't know about Venus retrograde when I met my twin flame seven years ago, yet we met right smack in the middle of a Venus retrograde and that is why things unfolded as they did.

Utter ****.

We both tried so hard to love each other and to connect, to meet, and nothing worked. All we did was fight, and I would question myself afterwards, but I love him! So why would I just get so angry and fearful around him? Why does he keep not wanting me, running off, then coming back? And then there were secrets and lies and untruths, that I was not aware of. Until I got so tired, I just told him to go away. And then I couldn't let go, and my entire self collapsed. I didn't get a qualification I had worked so hard towards getting, and friends just bore my woes because I couldn't bear them alone.

The point is, whatever happened was helped along by the stars and planets, so both he and I could wake up and open our eyes a little bit, for a little while. To see we needed to heal ourselves. To get over ourselves.

Sometimes this knowledge allows us to not judge ourselves and our lives so harshly, that something is wrong with us or God has it out for us. As the twin flame told me a year ago, God is not a little kid with a magnifying glass out to get you, you have to TRUST him!

At the time, I said to him, yes, I trusted God and my intuition, that's why I wrote to you and confided in you. Well, look what happened. You just razed any last hopes of some sort of connection to the ground.

And now, I know that I will just match my core essence energy (not my current human state, which is not coping well) with the people I wish to surround myself with. It may mean moving somewhere where those people actually ARE. I have to be ready and prepared to go out adventuring and trusting that there will be the earth and the ground there to hold me. I would have seriously considered studying in Iraq or Iran in the hawza, after seeing the positive effects cloistoring oneself in a seminary has had on my three male cousins, but it is not the place for me.

It is not the ideal place for a woman who will not wear the veil because someone said it makes her more modest and pious (even if it does, which is not the case for me. For me, I feel suffocated).

They have shifted so much in a year, I can just see the luminous light emanate from them effortlessly. They don't even wish to hide it. They are confident and comfortable and have faith and ideas and articulate them with power. I may have reservations about Islamic governments, but if you find the correct hawza/seminary to learn REAL mysticism, magic occurs.

I will find my home, I am sure.

And sometimes, people such as myself, will use this mystical and practical knowledge and make a noose out of it, happily place it around their necks, and pull the trigger as well. It happens a lot in many online communities. Because we forget that we still need to find real life schools and places of meeting where we can commune with God.

In my personal case, a 16/7 karma doesn't have to remain so. Who said so? My mind said so. Well, my mind needs a beach holiday!

Peace

the luminosity of souls

Rumi says:  "Look carefully around you and recognize the luminosity of souls. Sit beside those who draw you to that."

Aşk : a verse

AŞK: Yükür ağırdır, emek ister,
çaba ister, sabır ister...
Mesela,bir ömür sürgün ister..
Taşımak için
iki yürekli insan ister

Translation:

LOVE: Its burden is heavy, it needs labour,
It needs effort, it needs patience...
For example, it needs an exile for a life time
In order to carry
it needs two great-hearted people.